Love Yourself
by starlight1395
Summary: Everyone has something 'wrong' with them. Something to make them hate themselves. In this series of oneshots, Sans helps you realize that the things you hate so much, aren't so bad after all. He helps you learn to love yourself. Some subjects include self-harm, bullying, bulimia, anorexia, abuse in many forms, self hate and more.
1. Beach Day- body image

You've been dreading this day since you made it back to the surface. When the gang decided to settle down in a warmer climate, your heart dropped. You looked to the sky, praying for the clear blue sky to turn dark but the smiling sun continued to beat down on you. You hoped this day wouldn't come for a while. Actually, you hoped this day would never come ever. Oh well…

"Prepare yourself Human!" Papyrus' voice boomed through the house. You were sitting in your room. Once they made it to the surface, the skeletons built a house similar to the one back in Snowdin. Your room was where the painting was. You felt kind of bad when they were building it because it was obvious they missed home. "Today is the day we are heading to the 'beach' that is in all of those movies Alphys showed us!"

You pulled your bathing suit from the back of your drawer and sneered at it in disgust. You quickly changed into it, but even quicker covered yourself up with a large jacket. You hear Papyrus call up to you again.

"Human? I have prepared a delicious picnic for us to enjoy while sitting on the beach! Hurry down so we can get there as soon as possible!" You couldn't. You didn't want to hurt Papyrus' feelings, but you just couldn't. You poke your head out from your room and call down your response.

"Um… actually Pap…" He looked up the staircase at you, his smile slightly smaller. "I have a really bad h-headache… I think I'm going to sit this trip out. Sorry Pap."

Your excuse was half-assed, you knew it. You cringed, hoping Papyrus wouldn't see through your lies. His grin dropped into a very concerned frown.

"Oh no! Human, do you require The Great Papyrus to remain behind and nurse you back to full health?" You blanched. That was the last thing you wanted. Besides, he's been looking forward to this trip for days.

"No, no. You go enjoy the beach for me. I'll be right as rain after a nap."

"Not rain! That will ruin our beach day!"

"I-it's just an expression Pap." You could almost see a large drop on his forehead as he glanced away.

"I knew that…" He grabbed the basket and put his foot on the first step, uncertain.

"Just go and have fun Pap." He smiled at you brightly.

"Good bye Human! I will send you many pictures on your mobile device!" You wave lazily at him as he dashed out the door. Your smile faded as you felt tears sting your eyes. You hurried back to your room, closing the door with a slam and turning your music on as loud as it could go. You took off your jacket and went up to the full sized mirror on the back of your closet door.

A tear made its way down your cheek as you stared at your body.

* * *

Sans teleported in front of his house. He was planning on meeting Papyrus and everyone down at the beach, but had to grab something from his room first. Pap told him about how you had a headache and so you weren't going with them.

He was planning on sneaking in and out as quietly as possible, as not to make your headache worse, so opening the front door and being bombarded by muffled music tipped him off that something wasn't quite right. If you actually had a headache, you wouldn't have music blaring. Why would you lie to Pap?

He went up the steps, not bothering to do so quietly. You wouldn't have heard a train in the living room with how loud the music was. Sans stood in front of your door, trying to hear past the melodic singing. Faintly, he heard a soft heaving.

He rested his hand on the doorknob, afraid of intruding, but the worry overtook his fear of angering you and opened the door a crack. He peered in and felt his eyes widen. You were standing in front of the mirror, holding a knife in one hand. You must have been crying because he could see your shoulders moving up and down harshly. Over the music, Sans heard you yelling at your reflection.

"You're so ugly. You're so fat. Fat! Fat! I wish I could just cut it all off!" One hand gripped some stomach skin while the other held the knife to it. Sans did the only thing he could think to do at the time. He threw the door open and smacked the knife from your hand.

You spun around and made eye contact with the skeleton for a split second before snatching up your jacket and put it on, covering yourself us as quickly as physically possible. Suddenly, the music cut off. You glanced over and saw a blue wisp fading from the power button.

"What's up Kiddo?" His head was down, his eyes looked pure black. He was no longer smiling, his usual grin in a small frown. His hands were shoved in his pockets, but you could see them faintly shaking.

"Nothing." Your voice cracked, your throat sore from crying. It was obvious you weren't okay, but you weren't planning on talking about it. Your whole face felt tight with drying tears.

"You and I both know that's a load of bull kid. Come on, it's time to spill your guts." You shake your head and hold our jacket even tighter around yourself. You just couldn't make eye contact with your friend.

"Come on kid…." He didn't sound amused, but you kept a firm hold on your jacket and your eyes trained on the carpeting. You heard him give a frustrated sigh. He takes a step towards you and you take a step back. He took another step towards you and you bump into the mirror. You were now cornered.

All of a sudden, your hands were thrown from your jacket. You felt them pinned to the wall. Startled, you tried struggling, but your hands were trapped. You kept your head down. You were afraid of what Sans' expression was. You felt his fingers tuck your hair behind your ear. A finger trailed down your cheek, trying to coax you into looking at him, but you resisted. His fingers laced through your bangs and forced your head up. It wasn't painful, but you couldn't stop him from making you look at him. You stared over his shoulder.

"Kid." You stare over his shoulder.

"Kid…" You continue to stare over his shoulder.

"Look at me!" Your eyes snapped to his instinctively, and you found you couldn't look away. His eyes weren't angry, like you thought they would be. The light in his eyes filled more of the darkness than it usually did. He looked scared.

With your hands pinned to your sides, you couldn't stop him from pulling your jacket apart. He took a deep breath and really looked at you. Your bathing suit wasn't anything outrageous. It was a two piece, the top light blue with yellow and white ruffles at the top and a tie in the middle. The bottoms were the same blue, with the same yellow and white ruffles forming a kind of skirt. You felt hideous in it. His eyes roamed your stomach and thighs. You desperately wished he would stop, stop learning about your sins.

You felt your wrists let up, just to be spun around to face the mirror. You couldn't move. Sans stood behind you, looking at you in the mirror. His boney hands rested on your shoulders. With a quick jerk, he slipped the jacket off. Discarding it on your bed, he turned back to you.

You were staring at your reflection with such hatred he was a little surprised the glass wasn't shattered. His hands rested on your upper arms.

"What do you see?" His voice wasn't cold or harsh, but it lacked any real emotion.

"I see a monster. A disgusting, fat monster. I'm just a gross bag of jello. No one will ever be able to love me." Tears blurred your vision of the reflection, and you felt his hands tighten on your arms.

"Wrong. Try again."

"Try w-what again?" Your voice was shaking.

"What do you see?" You shook your head, but he kept staring at you in the mirror until you answered him.

"I'm disgusting." His fingers tighten again on your arms and he gives a shuddery sigh.

"What do I see?" He asked himself. You refused to make eye contact in the mirror, but an invisible hand forced your chin to look forward. He held your gaze through the glass. "I see a beautiful young woman. I see someone who's hurting. Someone who doesn't like themselves, though I can't imagine why."

"You really can't? Look at me." You tried to wriggle but were still firmly held in place. "I'm grotesque. My thighs, my stomach, my sides, my arms. Every inch of me is repulsive. And this dammed bathing suit makes everything look even worse."

"What's wrong with those things?" You give him a look that screamed _what the fuck do you mean 'what's wrong'._ "I've seen some of the art in the museums up here, and none of that even compares with the master piece I see in front of me. No statue can dim the light you shine."

"Sans…"

"You think you're fat? I adore your softness." A hand trailed down your stomach causing you to shiver. "Every inch of you is so beautiful. And it's not just your legs, and stomach, and sides, and arms. It's your smile, and how your cheeks and nose scrunch up. How your eyes twinkle in the right light. You try to find all that, and it hurts.

"You think you're unattractive, and that hurts because I can't _stand_ to see you hating something I love so much. I… I've noticed how you avoid wearing anything revealing. How you brush off compliments so casually. Why can't you see what I do?"

You felt the force holding you in place drop, and your knees buckled. Sans was right there to catch you, a gentle hand slipping around your waist. His fingers dug into your side gently, and you felt bile rising in the back of your throat. You could feel your fat oozing between your fingers and you wanted to throw up.

Sans helped you right yourself and you grabbed for your jacket again. Just as you were about to snag it, a blue wisp pulled it from your reach. It disappeared into thin air, and you knew if you turned around it would be in Sans' hand.

"You stop that."

"Give me my jacket Sans."

"Not until you talk to me about this. How long have you felt this way?"

"Sans please. Just give me my jacket."

"Who told you these things?"

"Sans _please!"_

"Do you really think you're unlovable?"

"For the love of god Sans give me my jacket!" You were screaming, but you weren't mad. You were scared and sick to your stomach. Sans was startled to say the least. He handed you the jacket and you wasted no time covering yourself, hiding your shame.

You felt your stomach heave, and you ran for the bathroom, not bothering to apologize as you pushed past him. You barely made it to the bathroom before throwing up what little food you ate for breakfast. The combination between actually eating, the stress and emotions from earlier and the feeling of your side squishing between Sans' fingers was too much on your stomach. You heaved until there was nothing left.

A cold hand held your hair back, the fingers grazing the back of your neck. Another hand was rubbing soothing circled into your back. You felt your breathing return to normal, or at least calmed down a little bit. Sans was humming something you couldn't quite place but was familiar none the less. He kept rubbing your back as you rested for forehead on the cool porcelain of the toilet, willing the sheen of sweat to go away.

You started crying, out of shame and self-hate. How could you ever face him again after what he's seen? He probably thinks you're disgusting too. He hates you now. He'll never touch you again. He'll never be able to look at you again…

"-o. Kiddo!" You slowed your sobs slightly. "Please breath. You're going to get sick again if you keep crying like that."

But you couldn't. You just kept crying. You let the last few months of piled up emotions spill out at once. Sans picked you up and carried you out of the bathroom, the light magically turned off behind him. His footsteps calmed you a little, but you realized what was happening.

"Put me down! Put me _down!_ I'm too heavy! I'll hurt you. Please put me down." You began wiggling as much as you could without actually hurting him. Your weight was probably hurting him enough as it is. But he kept a firm grasp on you.

"Nuh-uh. You're weightless to me. You're not hurting me at all." He opened the door without his hands and placed you on the edge of your bed. You crawled back so your back was against the wall and brought your legs up to your chest, hiding your stomach. You rested your chin on your knees and stared straight ahead.

"You're missing the beach day." Your voice was emotionless.

"Oh well. There will be plenty more. You're more important than any beach day." His came to sit next to you on the bed, his legs stretched out in front of him.

"Why did you say all those things?"

"Because they're true. I think you're beautiful, and I would bet you money that everyone else does too. They're just not as good at noticing things as I am."

"No they don't."

"I'll sit here all night if I have too. I'll just keep telling you how beautiful you are until you believe me." You don't say anything. You know you should tell him not too, but deep down you really need to hear something good.

He wrapped an arm around your shoulder and pulled you into his chest. His other hand found yours and he began speaking, his baritone voice rumbling deep in your chest.

"You're absolutely gorgeous. Every day I find myself captivated by you. All I want to do is make you smile, so I keep telling those awful puns. With all that's happened down in the underground, puns don't seem like they fit anymore, but I know you laugh at them. I tell them just to see your smile again and again.

"Remember that time we all went to that party, and you wore that beautiful dress? You were so self-conscious but I thought you were stunning. The way you moved on the dance floor made my soul beat faster." He moved slightly, so his head was resting on your chest. He closed how eyes and took a deep breath. "Even your heart beat is captivating…"

"Sans…" You really didn't want to cry again, but what he's saying was everything you wanted – needed – to hear for such a long time.

"You're the most beautiful human I've ever seen, and that includes since we got out. I've seen the movies, the sculptures, the paintings, the magazines. None of them can hold a candle to the light you give off. You're the light of my life. You're every sunset, every winter day, every rainfall and twinkling star in my world.

"You're the most perfect thing I've ever laid eyes on." The tears won over, and they dripped down your face again, plopping onto his jacket. He had pulled you into his chest again. You buried your face into his jacket and sobbed, but you were smiling.

"Thank you… thank you. Thank you." You sobbed into his chest, not even sure he could understand what you were saying. He just rubbed your arm and began humming once again. His hold on your tightened comfortably.

Your sobs slowed, and stopped all together, but you didn't move. His warmth was all you needed at that moment. You didn't want to break this frail reality.

Glancing out the window, you noticed the sun had set and your back was sore from sitting up against the wall. You sat up and stretched, your back cracking in several places. Sans made a strange noise and you glanced over at him. His face had a light blush over it, but he was already talking, trying to distract you.

"You must be starving. Here, I'll make you something."

"You can cook?"

"Yeah, it's just easier to go out to eat. But you're special." His grin softened and he offered you a hand up. You followed him downstairs and sat at the table as he and his magic made short work of the actual cooking. In no time, he had made baked chicken with mashed potatoes.

You had a small plate, feeling your stomach curl at the thought of eating, and he noticed. At first he just gave you a questioning look, but when you got up to throw out what was left on your plate, a hand on your arm stopped you.

"You can't be full already." You tried to pull away while giving some transparent excuse. His grip tightened and you found yourself back in your seat with the plate in front of you. You blinked, and realized he used his powers again.

"Look, I think I know what's going on here. But you have to start eating normally again. It's not healthy to avoid eating. It won't help you lose weight, if that's what you're trying to accomplish. Besides, why would you want to lose any weight? You're perfect right now. It would be a shame to destroy such a masterpiece." A small forkful of potatoes appeared before your mouth, but you refused to open our mouth. The glowing fork gently tapped against your lips, but you refused.

"Come on kid. You have to eat." You turned your head to the side like a child. "If not for you, do it for me"

You sigh. You couldn't deny _that._ You opened your mouth and eat the bite of potato with a scowl. You could already feel your stomach revolting. Sans used his actual hand this time to hold the next forkful of dinner to your mouth.

You couldn't finish the whole plate, and he respected that, but he was proud of you for eating as much as you did.

"I'm so proud of you kid." He ruffled your hair and cleaned up the kitchen with the snap of a finger, quite literally. Just as you were leaving the table, you heard voices from outside. The front door slammed open and everyone piled into the living room.

Papyrus somehow go sunburnt, the top of his skull a rosy pink. Undyne's hair was still dripping and Alphys was covered in sand. Even Mettaton was there, but he was pristine as usual, a floppy sun hat covering his hair.

"Human! How are you feeling? The beach was so much fun! I do wish you had come." Papyrus came over and gave you a crushing hug. "And Brother! You never came! What happened to you?"

"I heard the kid wasn't feeling too hot so I decided to chill at home."

"You missed out on a truly magnificent adventure!" Sans chuckled lightly.

"We had our own adventure here Pap."

"Hey! There's food in here!" Undyne called from the kitchen, and Papyrus bolted to her. Sans came up to you and took your hand in his.

"Listen. I'll be here to tell you all that and more everyday if I have to. You don't have to go through this alone." You hold his hand tighter and kiss him gently on the forehead.

"Thank you. For everything."

* * *

 **So if anyone read my other Undertale story, "Afterthought", then you know I like to write stories where Sans comforts the reader in ways I wish someone would comfort me in real life. I used to have** ** _major_** **issues with the way I looked, but lately it hasn't bothered me as much.**

 **I don't know how long this positive body image thing will last, but this chapter is what I needed in my lowest time. I don't know how many others can relate to this specifically, but this helps me cope with not so friendly thoughts.**

 **Thank you for reading! If you have any constructive criticism, please let me know. I'm always looking for something to help me improve.**

 **Until next time~**

 **-Starlight**


	2. Lunch Break- body image

"Maybe you should lay off those hotdogs hot stuff." You were picking up a few hotdogs at the closest lunch cart for yourself, Sans and Pap, only to be approached by a man who had a little too much to say about you. "I mean, I'd still stick it up your ass, but maybe you should think about skipping a meal or three."

You just glare at him and adjust your shirt as the cashier handed you your change. She glared at the man also.

"Hey jerk! Buy a dog or get out of the way!" The man flipped us the finger as he walked away grumbling and the girl behind the counter handed you the boat with the three hotdogs. "I'm sorry about that. People have been getting worse ever since the monsters came up."

"Yeah I can see why some people would be on edge, but that's no excuse to be an asshole." She gave you a sympathetic smile.

"Exactly. I mean, I personally love the monsters. They have such interesting stories when they come by for lunch. It's not fair how some treat them."

"Thank you for being so open minded. It means a lot to us." She raised one eyebrow.

"Us?" You blush, remembering not all humans recognize you like the monsters do.

"I'm the Ambassador for the monsters. I was the one who helped break the barrier, but not many civilians know who I am."

"Wait no way! That's amazing! I should be thanking you!" You give her a bright grin and continue talking for a few more minutes. You beat the lunch rush by a few minutes, so when you saw hoards of people coming towards the cart, you knew to make your exit. You turned back to wave to the girl before heading home.

* * *

You push the door open with your hip, your hands filled with mystery meat in hot buns. You put the dogs in the kitchen and went back to close the door.

"Pap! Sans! I'm back and I brought some lunch!" You learned early on that they don't technically need to eat like you do, but enjoy foods anyway. You hear scrambling from another room and suddenly Papyrus was in the doorway, panting slightly.

They also didn't need to breathe, but found themselves mimicking the motions without really thinking about it.

"Thank you dear Human! You always think of us!" A large comic tear clung to his left eye and you giggled at his over exaggeration. Just as he was to reach for the hot dog of his choice, a smaller set of bones snatched it away. "BROTHER! Why do you always take the food I want?"

"Because…" Sans took a large bite and chewed. Pap waited for an answer, and you felt more laughter bubble up as you realize what game the smaller skeleton was playing.

"Because why Brother?"

"Cuz. It's funny to watch you bust a nut over it."

"Bust a- Brother! That doesn't even make sense. I have no human genitalia to 'bust' as you do delicately say." Sans choked on his lunch.

"Wait who told you…" Now it was Pap's turn to look smug.

"I, the Great Papyrus, have been reading up on Humans! Their history! Their anatomy! Their slang terms! The Great Papyrus is MASTER OF THE ME-MES!" You spit out the bite of hot dog you had in your mouth in favor of laughing so hard tears come out of your eyes.

"Me-mes? Bro… you have so much to learn…" Sans just looked at his brother with disappointed mirth. You stop laughing abruptly. You were laughing so hard you felt the rolls of fat on our stomach jiggle, and it made you remember what that guy said.

"Human…?" Papyrus' voice snapped you from your thoughts.

"Huh?"

"You were spacing out there kiddo. Everything alright?" You shake your head and place the rest of your lunch back on the food boat. You barely ate half.

"Yeah! I just remembered there was something I had to write up really quick for the next meeting I have to attend. I'll be right back. It shouldn't take me more than ten minutes." The brothers watched you leave the kitchen, exchanging raised eyebrows and skeptical frowns.

* * *

Back in your room, you pulled your laptop out from under your bed. You kept it there when you were charging it so you didn't accidentally step on it. Opening up a blank word document, you began typing an intro for the speaker to use for you and Asgore at the next meeting.

 _"Our next speakers are visionaries in their goals to integrate monsters into the human way of life. They are pleased to be granted the opportunity to show everyone their dreams and goals. The first speaker will recount her adventures in the Underground, and explain in detail why it should be easy to begin the integration process if the humans are willing to cooperate. Then the king of the Monsters, Asgore, will speak on behalf of the monsters as a whole."_

You pause your typing to read over what you have and decided it was good enough. It was the fifth or sixth speech like this you'd given since coming to the surface, and you knew by now that the introduction really had no impact on the audience. It's all in the actual presentation.

Hitting save, you sent a quick email to the human in charge of the meeting and go to close your lap top. You glanced up and your reflection caught your eye. Since you were sitting on your bed, legs crossed, you were hunched over a little, a habit you knew you should correct but you just don't notice it until it was too late. You could see your stomach folding over the waist band of your pants, and you felt a twinge in your chest.

Opening the internet back up, you started searching things, like models and smaller waist lines and happy looking women who were easily a two in jeans, unlike yourself. You don't know how you got to this site, but all you saw were comments saying nasty things like _"Unless you're skinny, no one will love you."_ And _"If you can't starve yourself, you have no self-control."_ You didn't like the taste it left on your tongue, so you close the tabs and power down your computer. You were done working for the day. Slipping it back under your bed, you headed back downstairs.

Papyrus was telling Sans about what happened today when he went for his run with Undyne in the local park.

"The children thought we were super cool! Can you believe it Brother? I, the Great Papyrus, thought of as cool by an army of small human children!" You could practically see the stars shining in his eyes. As you descended the stairs, you felt Sans' eyes trained on you.

"Welcome back Kiddo. Have fun?" His eye sparkled with a mischievous glint. You stuck your tongue out at him, and he used his powers to summon his own tongue, just to stick it out right back at you.

"Oh you know it. Work really gets me off." It's a game the two of you play, or maybe a contest. You saw how long you could go, making innuendos at each other until Papyrus finally caught on. So far the record was almost two hours.

"Human! Mettaton texted me this strange encrypted message! Help me decode it quickly!"

 _"u,,, me,,, tonight? ;3"_ You could see why Pap found it confusing. Mettaton tended to be mostly proper with his texting, but you knew he was playing a game with your dear friend, and who were you to ruin his fun?

"Well Pap…" You handed the phone back and smiled sweetly at him. "It sounds like Mettaton has something very special planned for you this evening! I wouldn't leave him waiting."

Papyrus jumped into the air and raced up to his room, yelling something about being a good boyfriend and bringing some flowers to their special date. Sans stood next to you and chuckled. It was a relief to everyone when he moved past his protective stage. He finally accepted that Mettaton and Papyrus loved each other and the robot knew how to treat his dear brother.

Now the two of you can laugh along with Mettaton over Pap's inability to notice sexual innuendoes.

You felt his eyes on you again. You glanced at him from the corner of your eyes, and you were right. The lights in his eye sockets were trained on you. You blush a little, wondering why he was staring at you.

Maybe he's thinking the same thing that guy from the hotdog stand was thinking.

You tense at the though and adjusted your shirt again, suddenly a thousand times more self-conscious about the way the fabric was clinging to your sides.

"W-why don't we put on a movie or something?" Ever since coming to the surface, you were more than happy to show the brother's all your favorite movies, how much diversity in the entertainment world there was. No offense to Mettaton.

"Sure Kid. How about a scary movie?" You shudder and shoot him a look. He knew you despised horror movies. Even before you fell into the Underground you were squeamish about jump scares. After everything you went though, it was even worse. "Oh come on please? I know you don't dig them, but since Pap isn't going to be here I want to watch something spooky. I know you can handle it better than him."

"Are you kidding? Pap's able is to sit through scary things. I'm the baby here." He winks at you and moves to stand right next to you.

"Yeah he can sit though them, but you don't come to my room at three AM crying about faceless ladies and broken televisions for a week straight. Besides, I'll be here for you if you get scared. You can hold me all you want." He gave you another cheesy wink, and you caved. You couldn't resist his puppy dog eyes.

"Good bye dear Brother! Dear Human! I am off to my date with Mettaton. I do not know what time I'll be back tonight…"

"I don't think you'll be back anytime tonight bro." He gave a grin, the kind that says he's hiding something all for the sake of a joke, but Pap misses it.

"OH! Do you think he has a sleepover planned? What a wonderful boyfriend I have!" Sans snickers behind a hand and waves at his brother, who slams the door shut with enthusiasm. Thankfully he didn't break it.

"Come on Kid. I have the perfect one in mind." You groan internally, trying to prepare yourself for some bad times. You sit on your side of the couch, already clutching a blanket for dear life. You pulled your legs up onto the couch and got comfortable as Sans clanked around in the kitchen. He came out carrying a big bowl and had two cups floating behind him.

"Sans… that's a lot of popcorn don't you think?" He looked down at the bowl, surprised.

"This is how much I usually make for our movie nights. Besides, you really didn't eat lunch so I figured you'd be hungry." He settled on his half of the couch and placed the bowl in his lap, letting the cups float to the respective movie goer.

"I'm not really that hungry today." He gave you a strange look but didn't say anything. Pressing play, you prepared yourself for the worst.

Within the first five minutes, two people were brutally murdered. It wasn't the obviously fake blood that scared you. You saw plenty of real blood on your adventure. No, it was the villain appearing behind the victim at the last second before actually doing the killing.

It happened again. The teenage girl spun around but there was nothing there. When she turned back, there was suddenly a figure behind her. You couldn't hold back a scream, and you felt rather than heard Sans chuckling at your reaction.

"It's not _that_ scary."

"But there was nothing there! Then there was! What the hell kind of creature just appears out of nowhere?" You didn't see him flinch, but you did notice a tight chuckle.

"Yeah, those damn teleporters. Can't trust the lot of them."

"That's not what I meant! You can't trust humans, especially those that can appear out of nowhere." He hummed, in agreement or acknowledgement you had no clue, but he didn't say anything. You took that as your cue to focus once again on the movie, slowly bringing the blanket up to your face as if it would protect you.

You didn't feel it at first, you were too focused on trying not to scream every time something popped up on screen, but near the end, when the killer was caught, you felt eyes boring holes into your body. You turn to look at Sans, who doesn't look away.

A hand was placed on your upper thigh. Your first thought was he missed your knee because of the blanket. It made sense, of course he would want to comfort you when you were so worked up. But that didn't explain the light blue across his face.

It was obvious he hadn't been paying any attention to the movie, but why would he be looking at you? You raise one eyebrow at him, and his hand inches up your leg. You jump and squeak, not sure what to do.

"T-that's my thigh, not my knee." He grins at you, but not in a joking way.

"I know."

"T-then what are you…?" You didn't finish your sentence, because Sans moved until he was positioned over you. He brought his face close to yours and you were frozen in place. He pressed his face to yours in what you assumed was a kiss. He pulled away, but stayed hovering over you, hands on either side of your shoulders.

"I… uh…" He seemed just as flustered as you, but your mind was swimming so fast you really couldn't comprehend what just happened. He liked you? Or…? The second option sent ice down your spine. Of course he was pranking you. Of course…

"Why would you do that?" He pulled back at your icy tone.

"B-because… I thought…" You pulled your blanket tighter around yourself, trying to keep the bitter tears from messing up your makeup.

"You thought it would be funny?" He made a noise in the back of his throat. "Well it wasn't funny. I'm tired. I'm going to bed. Good night."

You tried to stand, but his hand caught your wrist as you were about to leave. You risked a glace back at him and was confused. He looked horrified, his eye sockets twice their usual size and his mouth in a twisted grimace.

"You think I'm tricking you?" He sounded broken, his voice cracking at the end.

"Why else would you do that? It's not like you could actually like me." He recoiled as if he had been slapped, and you became even more confused. He never acted like this when he was called out on a joke.

"I…"

"Look, if you're done, I really am tired. I have to start packing tomorrow." You made to leave again but he made another noise, this one a little different.

"No wait! Please wait. I… it wasn't a joke. I swear." You felt your heart beat speed up.

"Of course it was a joke." It frightened you a little, how dead you sounded.

"It wasn't!" He was getting hysterical. "I'm being serious. Why do you think I would joke about something like this?"

"Because. I'm not attractive in the slightest. Of course it's just a joke that you'd like me like that. No one in their right mind would find me pretty." You sounded so sure of what you were saying, and it broke his heart.

His fingers found the hem of your shirt and tugged it, making you take a step closer to him. He dropped his hand and let if find yours.

"That's… that's not a funny joke kid…" It was your turn to be confused. "Of course I think you're attractive! How could I not?"

"Just look at me! My… everything jiggles. I'm fat. Even that asshole today saw it. He was right." You began talking more to yourself than Sans. "Maybe I _should_ start skipping some meals. I mean, everyone else is getting married, getting into relationships. Maybe if I was thinner, I would be able to find someone too…"

Sans was horrified. Horrified that you thought that about yourself. He pulled you into his chest and held you tight, despite your efforts to escape. You didn't want to deal with this tonight.

"I think you're beautiful. You're like nothing the Underground has ever seen before. Nothing I've ever seen before. You say you're fat? I say you're soft, and I love it." His hand reached up the front of your shirt, gently stroking the skin around your belly button. The chill of his bones mixed with the feeling of the ghosting touch made you shiver.

"The way you fill out your clothes makes me want to keep you locked up, just to protect you from anyone who'd want to take advantage of you. Your curves drive me _insane._ " His fingers trailed along your side, letting them press into the softness gently. You let out a hiss of air, which he took as encouragement. "I adore everything about you. I adore the way your cheeks and nose scrunch, I adore the way you're toes turn in when you're standing."

He let his hands trail up both your sides, relishing in how your skin warmed his fingers, how it had a slight give unlike his rock hard bones. A shiver went down his spine as he stroked the back of your neck. You let out a light moan that doesn't get past him.

Sans looks you in the eye, and you knew without a doubt that he was telling the truth. You had never seen such raw adoration in someone's face before, save maybe Pap's when he was with Mettaton. He removed his hands from your shirt and you tried to hold back a whine. He caressed your face and gave you a gentle smile.

"Sans… do you want me to…?" You trail off, face turning bright red. You're unable to even continue the thought due to embarrassment. He raised one 'eyebrow' and gave you a look that implored you to continue. "Should… I take off my shirt?"

You quickly closed your eyes, too afraid to see his reaction. Would he be repulsed? Would he think you're disgusting? You were inexperienced with all of this. You were practically a child when you fell, and it had only been about two years since you finally escaped the Underground and broke the barrier. You weren't actually a child, that's for sure, but experience wise you might as well be.

Sans was silent, and you wanted to cry. Of course, you had to go and open your big mouth. He probably hates you now. You felt fingers on your face, urging you to open your eyes, but you refused. You were afraid. Something smooth pressed against your lips, and your eyes flew open instinctively. Sans kissed you again.

His face was as bright as the sun, a deep blush covering his whole face and a thousand watt grin aimed at you. You suddenly felt your insecurities take the back seat as he kissed you again.

"Only if you're comfortable with it." You could tell he wanted you too, if the fact he was almost vibrating didn't give it away, but you were beyond touched that he was willing to put your feelings before his own wants. You give him a shaky smile and pull the shirt up over your head.

You watched as his eyes soaked in the sight before him. You were still below him slightly, one of his knees in between your thighs, the other foot flat on the ground. His eyes grew even wider, if that was possible, and you were shocked. He was honestly in awe at the sight of you.

He gave you a look, asking for permission, and you nod at him. Without any more hesitation, his hands began exploring your stomach, your breasts, your sides. His hand ran up the length of your spine, feeling each vertebrae poking through your skin. His fingers brushed the hem of your pants, but he didn't try to take them off, something you were very grateful for.

"God you're beautiful." He breathed into your neck, his tongue licking the skin lightly. Goosebumps covered all your exposed skin, and the feeling of his hands, his tongue, caused you to shiver in anticipation.

His hand traveled back to your waist band and snapped the elastic, causing you to flinch. He saw and pulled back, looking worried.

"Are you okay?" You wanted to nod, wanted him to keep going, but you couldn't stop shaking. It wasn't in arousal anymore. You just couldn't stop shaking. You managed a small shake of the head, and he seemed okay with it. He pulled the blanket over your mostly bare torso and wrapped it around your shoulders. He pulled you close to him and you felt your shaking slow.

"It's okay. I'll stop. Don't worry. It's okay." He used his powers to put on another movie so he didn't have to move you. You didn't pay attention to what it was, you were too focused on how the light of the TV illuminated the lines of his skull, how the lights in his eyes would flick from the screen to your face and back again, something disappearing completely.

Your shaking had stopped completely, the comfort of having a warm arm around you the best reassurance you could ever have.

Your mind was swimming. He liked you. He thought you were beautiful. _And it wasn't a joke._

Smiling, you snuggled closer to him, feeling his arm tighten around you. He liked you.

And you liked him.

* * *

 **So I got a nice guest review saying I was their favorite Undertale writer, and they enjoyed comfort fics more than anything, so I decided to write more! This was supposed to be just for me, but when I saw that review I decided to change** ** _Love Yourself_** **from a one-shot to a series of individual chapters, all centering around comfort and accepting yourself.**

 **I have no clue how many chapters there will be, but there will be more than just these two. If anyone had any ideas for a comfort story, let me know and I'll gladly write it up.**

 **Until next time.**

 **~Starlight**


	3. Run Away- self harm

After your date with Papyrus, if you could even call it that, you were invited to stay the night. You were surprised to say the least. They hardly knew you, yet were comfortable inviting you into their home? You didn't want to question it, in case they decided to change their minds.

Papyrus was more than happy to let you use his bed for the night, but you felt guilty enough just staying there, you couldn't take his bed too.

"Oh Papyrus, thank you but the couch is more than fine! Besides, it's just one night for me, but you need all the rest you can get so you can make more of those amazing puzzles in the morning!" You knew it was a little dirty to play on his love of puzzles like that, but you didn't want to fight him on it. You were drained. You caught Sans' eye and smiled as he gave you a hidden thumbs-up.

"In that case dear Human, I, The Great Papyrus, will spare no expense to ensure your complete comfort and satisfaction!" He explained quite exuberantly. He rushed around the house, pulling out every spare pillow and blanket there was. He began piling them in your arms, but when you couldn't hold anymore, he began piling them on top of your head.

You just grinned at him and watched as he danced around like a puppy. By the time he was finished purging the house of all bedding materials, he was panting. You had enough blankets and pillows to make at least four beds, but you wouldn't tell him that.

A clock somewhere in the house struck the hour. You counted the chimes as you placed the bedding on the floor next to the couch. It was almost ten in the evening. It sure was a long day… at least you had somewhere to sleep for your first actual night in the Underground. You're first night with Toriel didn't really count.

You laid out a few blankets and pillows to make a comfortable bed, or nest as you liked to call it back home. You could hear Sans and Papyrus shuffling around upstairs, the latter more so. You snuggled into the makeshift bed and stared at the ceiling fan as it made lazy circles. Thinking back on your day, your head began to ache.

Was it really all one day? It felt like a lifetime since you had your standoff with Toriel. You felt the stress melting from your muscles, and tears began to prick at your eyes. You were so… content. You sigh, accepting the truth of the matter.

You couldn't stay, no matter how badly you wish you could. You couldn't stay with Toriel, and you can't stay with the brothers. You didn't belong here. You felt a familiar itching on your arm, but you tried to ignore it. You didn't need any further damage.

You thought about the life you left behind in the human world. No friends, an almost non-existent family, all the pressure to be strong when really you're breaking down with each and every passing second…

You wipe your cheeks, trying to sop up some of the wetness. You couldn't stay here… but you couldn't go back. You didn't belong anywhere…

The itching in your arm grew tenfold and you knew you needed to fix it before it drove you absolutely insane. You pulled the top layer of blankets aside and pulled out the little pocket knife you fell down with. You always kept it on you, at first for protection, then later for this exact purpose. You tightened your hold on the closed handle as you searched for the bathroom.

The light was still on, probably left by Sans so you'd be able to find it. He really is thoughtful. Maybe you should talk to Papyrus about going a little easier on his dear brother. Sans does a lot for him. But that isn't your place. You don't have a place.

Shutting the door as quietly as possible, you made sure it's locked nice and tight before pulling off your sweater. Your arm was a lattice of interlacing scars. Most were healed, but a few were still quite pink. Before you fell, you were abusing your thigh more than your arm, but down here no one cared. Down here, you could cut your arm as much as you liked without having to worry. The thought made your chest feel funny. Not quite relief but not quite anxiousness.

You unfold the little pocket knife and look in the mirror. Your hair was a mess from running around all day, and the bags under your eyes were big enough to land a plane on. You looked sickly, no way around it.

Sighing at your reflection, you turned your attention back to the knife in your hand. No longer do your hands shake when about to cut. No, your hands were as steady as your resolve. You made the first cut, hissing sharply as the pain hit your senses. The adrenaline hasn't kicked in yet, so each cut felt even more excruciating.

By the third cut, you felt the high finally set in. By the seventh cut, you didn't care about the blood dripping onto tile flooring. By the tenth cut, that wonderful black edge around your vision appeared. It wasn't enough blood loss to be dangerous to your health in any extreme way. You made sure of it. You made the final cut, twelve, and surveyed your handy work.

Twelve beautifully crimson cuts were lines up perfectly from your elbow to an inch above your wrist. You placed the knife on the sink, not wanting to accidentally drop the slick blade while trying to clean up.

Now your hands were shaking, and you realized maybe you went a little too far. It took almost an entire roll of toilet paper and three flushes to clean everything up. By this point your head was starting to swim in a not so enjoyable way. You also realized you don't have any kind of bandages on you. The closest ones were down by your stuff, and you didn't want to be fumbling around in the dark looking for them. You also didn't want to rummage through the medicine cabinet, just because that would be an awful thing to do as a guest.

You take what's left of the toilet paper roll and wrap it around your forearm like you would wrap a mummy. The white was instantly stained by the scarlet, but there was nothing more you could do. Your world was beginning to tilt and jolt.

Sliding your shirt back on, you turn off the light and make your way back to the couch, trying to make as little noise as possible as you ran into furniture and stairs in the dark. You find the couch and stumble, your knees suddenly giving out momentarily.

You crawled back into the blankets, and you were suddenly a thousand times more comfortable than you were before. You briefly thought about how too much blood loss could prevent you from waking up, but you were just too tired to care about that at the moment.

Besides… you've done worse before, and you woke up just fine. Nothing to be worried about.

If only you remembered the knife.

* * *

Sans woke up early the next morning for his first job at the hot dog stand. Papyrus calls him lazy, but he worked more than his fair share of jobs. He sleepily rubbed his eyes and glanced at the clock. He managed to beat his alarm by three minutes.

Clicking off the alarm, Sans made his way to the bathroom, dragging his feet along the carpeting of the hallway. He knew Papyrus wouldn't be up for at least another hour, and he didn't hear anything from the living room, so their house guest must still be asleep.

He lazily flicked the light on with his powers and stopped dead, no longer tired in the slightest. On the sink was a small pocket knife, the blade still open. The handle and blade were coated in a dark brownish color, and the sink had a few drops on it. He felt his bones go cold.

Though he didn't know you very well yet, he really did enjoy your company. He also knew something was wrong the second you started talking, but he couldn't tell what. Sans guessed that now he had his answer. With the flick of a wrist the sink was cleaned, the knife now hidden safely in his room. He trudged downstairs, making a mental note to come up with some excuse for missing work again today.

You were sleeping peacefully, the rise and fall of your chest barely visible. Sans crouched next to the couch and felt your forehead. His fingers met cold and clammy skin. He pulled back, startled. He hadn't had much experience with humans in general, but he at least knew that's _not_ what they're supposed to feel like.

He placed two fingers on the side of your neck, just where your chin meets your throat. There it was, your pulse. It was faint, but it was there. Now he knew without a doubt something was wrong. He cursed under this breath and wished for the first time he knew more about human anatomy.

He noticed dark splotches on the sleeve of your jacket, and pulled the sleeves back. The toilet paper wrapping your arm was soaked through. Instead of doing what he originally wanted to do, which was wake you up and shake you for being so stupid as to hurt yourself, he removed the soaked bandages and found some real bandaging. He carefully rewrapped your arm and pulled the fabric back down. He took a shuddery breath and stood. He placed a hand on your forehead again, hoping you felt a little healthier.

You stirred under his touch and he pulled away, afraid of waking you up. He heard another body moving around upstairs and knew his bro was awake. He felt a twinge in his chest as he pulled the blanket up around you and thought of a lie to tell his brother.

He trudged up the stairs, feeling the sweat start to bead on his forehead. He rapped two knuckles on Pap's bedroom door, taking a deep breath. The door creaked open and Sans made a note to fix the hinges. Pap stuck his head out and looked at his brother in confusion.

"Hey bro…" Sans scratched the back of his head. "Uhh I think the kid's is sick, so I need you to make sure she stays here and gets better and stuff. Maybe you could make her some soup? Read her a story?" Papyrus looked genuinely distressed at the news.

"Will the Human be alright?"  
"Yeah bro, as long as you take real good care of her."

"But why me brother? You were always the caretaker when I fell ill." Sans gave his brother a big smile.

"Don't worry bout that bro. I have something that needs to be taken care of. I'll be back as soon as possible to help." He turned to leave his brother, but thought of something important. "Oh, bro. If she tried to fight back or tell you she's fine, don't believe her. She thinks she's stronger than she really is. Make sure she stays here, okay?"

"I understand brother. Keep the human here, keep the human safe." Sans gave another big smile and zapped out of the house.

* * *

Sans knocked on the lab door, feeling nostalgia at being back at Alphys' lab. The heat of the land was starting to get to him, the jacket not helping the amount on sweat forming on his head. He counted to three, than five before hearing sounds behind the door. The door slid open and he was greeted by the small shaking scientist.

"O-oh hi Sans. What are you going in H-hotlands?" Sans gave her a reassuring smile.

"I just have a few questions, and I figured you would be the best person to talk to." She perked up and ushered Sans inside. She sat him down and implored him to continue. She was always willing to help a friend.

"S-so, um… what's up Sans?" The skeleton suddenly deflated a little, fidgeting in his chair.

"Um…" now that he was there, he didn't know how to ask his questions. "Why would someone… purposely injure themselves?"

"OH! Um…" Alphys started glancing around frantically. "Um… well sometimes when p-people feel u-useless or like they don't b-belong, they hurt themselves as p-punishment um… and sometimes to uh… make them feel like they're r-real?"

Sans sat back in his chair, covering his face with his hands. It made sense, that's for sure. Now the issue was how he was going to talk to the kid about this. Sans knew immediately that she would resist any kind of help he would want to give.

"Um… Sans? Is something wrong? Why are you a-asking these kind of questions?" Sans gave her a reassuring smile.

"Ah I was just curious doc. Don't get your scales in a twist. Hey, I gotta go. Got some jobs to take care of. Thanks for your help Alphys." He used the door like any normal being, but teleported back to the house as soon as the door separated himself from Alphys.

He landed right out front of his house, and was immediately tackled by a much larger person. His brother was clinging to him, tears pouring from his eyes. He was babbling incoherently, and Sans couldn't understand a single word was saying. Sans pulled his brother to his feet and tried to get him to calm down.

"T-the Human! S-she's G-GONE!" he erupted in another wave of sobs and Sans felt his whole body go cold.

"Bro what happened?"

"I went to take care of her and she seemed really upset that she was sick, so I tried to comfort her, telling her I'll make some special chicken spaghetti soup! She went quite for a second and said she was looking forward to it! So I went into the kitchen to make some soup, and I heard her go to the bathroom. I thought it was strange she was in there for so long so I went to check on her but your door was wide open! She must have gone through your window or something! I looked all over Snowdin, but no one saw her leaving!" Sans felt even colder as he bolted up the stairs.

His room was an even bigger mess than ever before. Each drawer over turned and all the papers pushed aside. Sans rushed to the drawer that hid her knife and knew before he even looked in that it would be empty. Something white caught his eye.

There was a piece of paper on his pillow, folded neatly in half. Sans opened the note with shaking fingers and read the neat handwriting.

 _Sans- I'm guessing you found out. I would ask you to forget about it, but I know you won't. What I will ask of you is to not tell anyone. I'm already a feared human. I don't need any more reason for people to hate me. I don't know when I'll be back, if I'll be back at all. Thank you for letting me stay. Apologize to Papyrus for me. I shouldn't have run away from him._

Your name was signed at the bottom, and Sans sat down on his bed, feeling defeated. There was nothing he could do for you now.

* * *

You woke up with a start. After leaving the skeleton's home, you continues your adventure. You managed to stay alive for most of it, but it was the darn dog guard that did it in for you. He wasn't even trying to hurt you, he just got too excited. You woke up, feeling the phantom ache of where the injuries were.

Thankfully you SAVED fairly soon before the battle, so you didn't lose too much of your life. It's hard to mess with the timelines like that. No one else really seemed to notice it too much, but it was obvious to you. You sat up and rubbed your head, hoping to make the pain subside a little.

You missed the skeletons. You missed Toriel. You missed being around people, but it was better this way. You couldn't burden anyone this way. It had been at least a week, if not more, since you last really talked to anyone. You pushed your hand into your pocket and felt the warm metal of the knife. You felt a little guilty going through Sans' room, but you needed this knife. It was the only thing you really needed to have with you.

You can't believe you were dumb enough to leave it sitting out that night… you knew as soon as you saw the wrappings on your arm that Sans was the one who did them. Mostly because you weren't woken up by an extremely loud, extremely scared skeleton.

Hanging your head, you remind sitting on the ground. You guilt filled every fiber of your being. It took a while, but you managed to stand and continue on your journey. You heard that very specific laugh in the distance a few times since leaving, but you tried your hardest to avoid it.

You walked until you made it to the Hotlands. There was a booth, but no one around. Looking in all directions to make sure no one was going to jump out at you and fight you, you made your way to the booth and sat behind it, your back against the wood.

Taking a deep breath, you took some time to think about your adventure so far. More importantly, you took the time to think about all the things you've done wrong so far since falling down. Your arm began to itch again, the wounds from the house healed since the last time you reset. You flicked the knife open with practice ease and pressed the blade against the ground, watching the silver start to turn red with heat.

With grin satisfaction, you pressed the blade against your arm, not breaking the skin just yet. The searing pain sent a spike of clarity though your mind. It was getting hard to think again, and the pain was your favorite way to clear the fog.

You tilted the blade so the sharped part was pressing against your taunt skin. You pressed down just enough to see the skin pull against the knife. Just as you were about to put pressure of the tip of the knife to break the skin, a hand on your shoulder stopped you.

You jumped, surprised. In your surprise, you let the knife push into your arm. It wasn't the nice pretty cut you wanted, but it drew blood and caused you pain. That's all you needed. A breath of relief flew past your lips before you managed to look behind you and see who interrupted you.

A blue aura surrounded your knife and ripped it from your hand and threw it across the way. Sans looked down at you, a forlorn look in his dark eyes. His grin was twisted into a sad little frown. He shook his head slightly and sat next to you.

"That's what I thought…"

"I'm not going to stop."

"I wasn't going to ask that." You shook your head. As if.

"What were you going to ask?"

"Why do you do it?"

"I…" You all of a sudden didn't know how to explain it. "I don't belong here. I don't belong anywhere. I do this because… because it reminds me of who I am. Of what I am. Keeps me from thinking I'm something better than I really am. Plus, it helps me think. When my head gets all jumbled, it helped me think clearly."

You didn't look at him. You were sure he didn't know what you meant. You barely knew what it meant. It was hard to explain.

"That… makes sense I think." You whipped your head around to look at him. He was staring straight ahead, his eye sockets blank.

"Do you hate me now?" His whole body jerked in surprise.

"What? N-no! Of course not- how the hell could I hate you?" You look at your hands and clench them tightly together. You take a few breaths before answering.

"Back home… in the Aboveground. They found out and thought I was weak. A failure. They called me a freak… a monster. They hated me because I hurt myself… which made me hate myself even more. I… I wanted to end it all the day I went up the mountain." You were shaking again, your breath picking up. You didn't look as Sans, but you felt his hand wrap around yours in a comforting way. "I figured, those who went up the mountain never returned. They talked about monsters, but I didn't believe those stories.

"It took me a while to find the hole. I thought I would die just on the way up, but no. I found the hole. And I threw myself down it. I thought the impact would kill me instantly, but I was wrong. I was so wrong… Now here I am. I don't belong up there, and I certainly don't belong down here. The only place someone like me belongs is six feet under the ground." Your voice was so bitter, so filled with hatred, Sans found himself being filled with fear.

"You can't really think that, can you?" A chipped, bitter laugh dripped from your mouth.

"You can't really think I'm not all of those things. I knew you were lazy, but I didn't know you were an idiot too." He signed and shook his head, pushing himself off the ground. He stood in front of you and held out a boney hand.

"Come on kid. There's always a place on our couch for you. Pap will be ecstatic if you came back, and we could eat dinner together. You belong with us." You start crying again, despite your best efforts to stop the tears.

"You'll get tired of me. You'll realize what a burden I really am… You'll learn to hate me just like everyone else did."

"I could never hate you Kiddo. It would be like hating Pap. Just not possible." You still refused to give him your hand.

"I don't deserve this."

"Don't say that kid. You're amazing. I mean, look at you! You came here to kill yourself, but you're still alive and kicking. If that's not strength, I don't know what is. You made it all the way to the Hotlands, and never once did you give up. That's pretty admirable if you ask me. Maybe these monsters should take a page out of your book. Might teach them a thing or two about what it means to truly be alive."

You take his hand and nearly tackle him, burying your face in his shoulder. You sobbed, soaking the fabric, but it felt so good. These weren't bitter tears, wet with hatred and pain. These were happy tears, pulling all the negativity out of your soul. It was wonderful.

In a flash, you were back in Snowdin, the chilly air a welcome feeling from the sweltering place you just were. The door flew open as soon as you made a single step to the house. Papyrus was standing there, grinning from ear to ear, eyes wide with tears. Happy tears of course.

He scooped you up into a tight hug, squeezing the life out of you. The hug pulled at your arm and the slight cut you made when Sans scared you, but you were too busy being amazed to care much at all.

"Why are you so happy to see me?"

"Why? Dear Human I have missed your company greatly! It was so dull at home with just my lazy bag of bones brother to keep me company. Besides…" his hug tightened a little more. "I was so afraid you were gone forever. I don't know what happens to humans when they pass away, but I was afraid I would walk out the door and see a pile of human ash on the ground."

"Don't strangle the poor thing bro. She's had a rough day." Papyrus suddenly realized that he was indeed slowly strangling you, and practically dropped you.

"I am truly sorry dear Human! I did not realize my immense strength was causing you harm!"

"Don't worry about it Papyrus. I… I've missed you too buddy."

"BUDDY? SANS THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE! I HAVE A BUDDY!" You chuckle at his enthusiasm and turn to Sans. His smile was softer, like a mother watching their child playing after a long day.

"Glad to have you back kid…"

"Glad to be back Sans."

* * *

 **I can't believe the feedback I've gotten for this! Thank you guys so much for reading and supporting me with this. I have a few ideas, and some lovely reviews have given me some more. I'm not sure how much time I'll have to write, nor can I even estimate how many chapters there will be in the end.**

 **I can guarantee at least three or four more, minimum. There's been a few requests, plus variations of the self harm issue and the body image issues.**

 **For anyone going through problems like these, I truly am sorry. No one should go through this, ever. Especially not alone.** **If anyone, and I mean ANYONE, feels like they are alone in their problems, please talk to me, or anyone.**

 **I know what happens when someone offers support like this. They usually get ignored, but I know first hand what it's like to have no one to talk to and have all those awful thoughts swirling though your head. So please, if you want to talk to rant of whatever, send me a message. I will respond ASAP and try to help you through it. I've been through most things, so I can help with just about anything.**

 **Thank you everyone for giving me such amazing support and love. It's really helped me stay on track with my recovery hoopla. You're all so amazing.**

 **Until next time**

 **~Starlight**


	4. Better than Me- self worth

"Congratulations Papyrus!" It was a sunny Saturday afternoon, a few months after the barrier was broken. Thankfully, Papyrus decided to take actual cooking lessons. Turns out, he was an amazing cook at everything _but_ spaghetti.

He had entered some kind of French desert into a baking contest at the nearby church – the monsters still didn't have a very strong concept of Gods or any higher being, but enjoyed the activities the church provided. He had won first place, beating out a ten year old and their carrot cake. He was beaming like crazy as the judge placed the blue ribbon next to his dish.

"Did you hear that, Human?" He rushed straight over to you, so excited he was practically vibrating. "I won! I, the Great Papyrus, is now even greater than before!"

You return his hug with just as much excitement. You were so happy for your friend, but felt a slight twinge in your chest. Last time he tried to teach you how to cook, you ended up burning the food to an unappetizing crisp. And you burnt a hand towel…

Just because you were no good at cooking didn't mean you could dampen your friend's accomplishment. You congratulated him heartily and offered to read him his favorite story that night. Though he says he grew out of needing a bedtime story, the large skeleton still greatly enjoys the activity. You give him another smile and turn towards the table to foods, furrowing your brow a little at your incompetence in the kitchen.

* * *

A few days later was Undyne's wrestling match. As soon as she heard of the sport, she jumped right on it. Within days she became the best wrestler in not only the town, but the whole county. If she won this match, the team would be heading across the country for the championships.

Everyone sat in the stands. You and Sans, Papyrus next to Mettaton with Alphys awkwardly next to them, and Toriel with Asgore. A few other monsters were scattered throughout the stands, but your cheering was no doubt the loudest.

As soon as Undyne stepped out into the mat, you began cheering so loudly she heard you and turned to wave. She was amazing on the mat, not even breaking a sweat as the best wrestler from the other team grunted and cursed in frustration.

Finally, she had enough playing with the human and did her finishing move. The human frantically tapped out, and the ref declared Undyne the victor. As soon as the match was over, the team tried to surround Undyne, but you made it there first. You scooped her up in a big congratulations hug. You were so proud of her.

"Hey there Human!" Since coming to the surface, 'Human' was practically your name now. "I'm glad you could make it! We're going to the championships and we're going to CRUSH the other teams!"

She gave an exuberant laugh, with her hands on her hips and her head thrown back. Alphys took this opportunity to greet her girlfriend, not noticing the look on your face.

Undyne was amazingly strong and fast. You tried training with her one day, but you couldn't even keep up with the laps. You ended up collapsed on the ground, panting hard. Undyne doubled back to you and patted you on the head.

"Don't let it get to you Human. No one can keep up with me." She tried to comfort you, but deep down you took something else to heart. You would never be as physically fit as Undyne. You would never be able to run like her or win medals like her.

You were no good at cooking. You were no good at physical movement.

* * *

Sans walked you to your house – well apartment really. You were working up to buy a house though. You declined the Skeleton's offer to stay with them, not wanting to be a burden. You spend most of your free time there anyway.

You had new jokes to tell him, it took you all day to come up with them, and you were really proud. Last night, the elementary school in town had a community night. One of the activities was taping the principle to the wall for $1 apiece. Some of your friends told you about it, and you remembered the principle was completely bald.

"So I told them, 'sounds like a ball-d" I grinned at Sans, waiting for him to laugh, but he just gave a pity chuckle. "Get it? Because the principle is bald?"

He chuckled again and ruffled your hair.

"I got it Kid, but it was kind of a lame joke… It really crashed and _boned."_ His eyes scrunched up in amusement at his own joke but you scowled.

"Bones doesn't sound anything like burned." You grumbled under your breath.

"Hey Kid, want some sugar?" You looked at him, beyond confused.

"Why would I want-?"

"Because you're sounding pretty _bitter_ over there." You let out a frustrated growl and ran ahead, hoping to beat him to the house. Of course, he was standing on the porch before you even got there.

"PAPYRUS!" You called for the other brother to come defend you honor.

"What can The Great Papyrus do for my favorite Human?" He must have been cooking because he was still stirring something. You told him your joke, and how Sans made fun of you. You expected his usual groan whenever he hears a joke, but he just stared blankly at you, his stirring slowing.

"I do not understand your joke Human, so I cannot defend you." He left with his bowl, a faint humming getting fainter.

"See Kid? I'm the best a jokes, Above and Underground. You don't stand a chance." You give him a playful scowl, and he puts you in a headlock, messing your hair up playfully. You laughed, but part of you wanted to cry.

Of course he was the best. You never stood a chance at making him laugh with your dumb jokes. You're no funny. No one would ever find your jokes funny, especially not when Sans was around. He's so much better than you at humor. You sucked.

You were no good at cooking. You were no good at physical movement. You were no good at jokes.

* * *

Mettaton offered to take you out on a platonic date. He noticed you were looking a little down lately and what better way to cheer up a friend than…

"A date with the most wonderful robot in the whole wide world?" He gave you a suggestive grin, but you knew he was just playing.

"Sure Mettaton, just as long as Pap doesn't find out and get jealous again. The last time you and the robot went on a platonic date, his boyfriend found out and it got messy. Papyrus didn't get mad, no. He bawled hysterically for hours while you and Mettaton tried to convince him no, he wasn't being dumped. Yes, he and Mettaton are still dating. No, you weren't trying to steal his boyfriend. Yes, you were all still friends. It was a mess all around.

"Of course not Darling! He's off at some class or something. My dear Papy is so devoted to his cooking. I couldn't be prouder of my Bonejangles." He had a far away look on his face. He really did love Papyrus, and you had to admit, you were a little jealous. Not of Papyrus and Mettaton specifically, but of what they had.

He took you to a nice little restaurant. It wasn't anything big or fancy, more of a family run diner than a restaurant but it was nice nonetheless. As soon as you entered the building, he was bombarded with monsters and humans alike, all wanting attention from the star.

"Oh my lovelies! I adore your adoration, I really do, but I'm here with my dearest friend right now!" He shoved you forward a little, an invitation to introduce yourself, but you were frozen. He was able to talk to strangers as if it were nothing, but you just couldn't.

After one of his shows, Mettaton brought you backstage to meet some people, important people, but you froze then too. You weren't even able to say your name, let alone hold an intelligent conversation. Right now was no different.

"U-um... hi…" You finally manage to say your name, but could do nothing to salvage the red bush taking over your whole face. You see the crowed look at each other, their faces saying more than words ever could.

 _Who's this?_

 _What's wrong with them?  
Are they okay?_

 _Why are they with Mettaton?_

You felt humiliated, but thankfully the waitress came back to show you a table. You practically ran to the open booth in the back of the building. Hiding your face behind the menu, you heard Mettaton chuckle at your expense.

"Darling, you really have to work on your people skills." You huff at him.

"Easy for you to say. You're a celebrity. Wooing people is all you know how to do!" He gave an indignant scoff and pulled your menu down.

"I can do many things, thank you very much. Being beautiful and sociable are just two. Another thing I can do is tell when a friend is troubled. So Darling, what's been bugging my dear Human?" You rose one eyebrow with practiced ease and you fidgeted in your seat.

"I-it's nothing big. Just some work problems. Everyone gets stressed…" You felt bad for lying, but he was so popular, so busy. He didn't have time for your obnoxious whining. No one did. Besides, he probably didn't _actually_ care. It was his programing to be open and friendly.

"That sounds like a lie Darling." You shook your head and stared down at your menu.

"Really Mettaton. Besides, you have more important things to worry about." He sighed, knowing it was no use. Once you made your mind up, it was rare anyone was able to sway you.

Your mental dialogue berated you for making Mettaton worry. He didn't deserve this kind of friendship. He was so much better than you. You didn't deserve someone so cool and nice, even if he's only your friend because you're Papyrus' friend.

You just didn't match up. He was loud and outgoing and personable. You were... not that. You were nervous and awkward around strangers. You could never be as extroverted as Mettaton if your life depended on it. You wished you could be more like him…

You were no good at cooking. You were no good at physical movement. You were no good at jokes. You were no good with strangers.

* * *

Alphys had called you up earlier that day to ask if you wanted to help with some experiment. Science fascinated you, so you gladly accepted. You made your way to Hotlands, trying to push your own thoughts back and focus on the task at hand, putting one foot in front of the other.

By the time you reached her lab, you were beginning to become uncomfortable warm. Thankfully she kept the lab a little cooler. You let yourself in, having been there enough times for her movie marathons. A voice called from the other room.

"U-um I'm over h-here!" You followed her halted words and found her hunched over a work table, her scalely claws working quickly with the machinery. She handed you the box she was working on and asked you to sit on the table.

"So what's this experiment about Doc?" She chuckled at your nickname and explained as she fiddled with some knobs on a bigger machine.

"I'm uh… testing how e-electricity flows through the p-physical being of a human. It's so f-fundamentally different from how it flows through the magic of monsters. I r-ran the tests on myself to get the um… d-data.

"What's going to h-happen is I'm going to send small jolts of m-magic electricity up your arms to your um… s-soul. It won't hurt! I erm p-promise. It's just a test to see how the c-components of magic melds with the atoms in the e-electricity…."

You zoned out. You really did try to follow along, but as soon as she started going on about the mix of magic and electricity, you just couldn't keep up. Although science fascinated you, you really didn't have the mind for it. Or for most academic subjects for that matter.

Alphys kept talking about the experiment, and you felt light surges move from your fingers to the center of your chest, but it didn't hurt at all. It tickled more than anything. You let your mind wander as she read the numbers on the screen.

You were never any good in school back before falling into the Underground. You weren't failing, but you weren't a star student. Most of the time you barely passed the class, but not from lack of trying. You studied as much if not more than the average student, yet you still lagged behind. You almost were held back a grade due to your math scores.

You watched the joy on Alphys' face as she read the numbers and scribbled notes down. Her eyes growing wide whenever she made a connection or a new discovery. You wished you could join in, be able to feel the same joy and satisfaction at these discoveries, but they went way over your head. You had no clue what was happening.

You've tried everything to get smarter. Youtube help videos, special study books. You even asked Alphys to help you, but that just ended with both of you frustrated. She began mumbling about something and you tried once again to understand, but you should have known it would be useless. You just weren't smart enough.

You have no future because you're so dumb. You'll never be able to graduate any college, or get any kind of good job. You're an idiot. How can an idiot survive in this world?

You were no good at cooking. You were no good at physical movement. You were no good at jokes. You were no good with strangers. You weren't smart. You were no good.

* * *

You were sitting on your room, in your small apartment. All the lights were off and the door was locked. You felt… drained. Week after week your friends showed how spectacular they are at everything.

Everything you can't do.

You were a failure. You couldn't cook, you weren't fast or strong, you weren't sociable, you weren't smart. You were useless.

Hot, fat tears began rolling down your cheeks. You really were useless.

You have no redeeming qualities. There was nothing special about you. You were a waste of space.

A sob ripped it's was from your throat, and you let it. Might as well me good at something.

And if you were good at one thing alone, it was hating yourself. You hated the blackness you found yourself. You wanted the darkness to end.

You sat up with a slight scream. You hadn't had those thoughts in a long time, and their sudden reappearance scared you. Without really thinking you pulled out your phone and called the first person in your messages.

"Hey kiddo what's up? It's been a few days since anyone's seen ya. Everything alright?" His voice was laid back as usual, but was tight with concern.

"S-sans…." You broke, hard sobs preventing you from actually saying words.

"H-hey there! Hey are you okay?"

"Oh god Sans…"

"Kid where are you?"

"Home…"  
"Don't move. I'll be right there." He paused, and you finally managed to take a breath. "Everything is going to be okay."

The line went dead and you collapsed into sobs again. You curled up under the covers of your bed, regretting the call. You shouldn't have bothered him. He was probably at work. He's so diligent when he works despite everyone calling him lazy. He takes the insults like a champ, while you cry like a baby if someone even mentions they don't like your hair.

You were pathetic, getting someone else involved. How dare you worry someone else? You don't deserve their help. You don't deserve their help. You don't deserve their love. You pulled at your hair, trying to get your mind to stop _screaming at you._

The voices didn't stop, but the pain felt good. It was something to focus on. You bit your knuckle, trying to calm yourself down. You could feel yourself fast approaching hyperventilating. You were useless. You were pathetic. You couldn't do anything right

You were a burden on your friends.

A jiggling knob knocked you from your self-hate spiral. You glanced up and wondered if you didn't open it, if he'd go away.

You decided to give it a shot. You buried your head deep under the covers, trying to block out the calls of your name and the banging on the door. You saw a faint blue glow through the fabric of the blanket and you mentally slapped yourself. Of course he'd be able to get into your room…

Hands grasped your shoulder, shaking you gently. You ignored them. Hand tried to pull the blanket away. You pulled back. Hands found your face, wiping tears away. You leaned into them. Hands held you close, and you needed the contact.

"What happened Kid?" You were all cried out. You were a husk of a human.

"I'm no good." His grip on you tightened in shock.

"What do you mean you're 'no good'?"

"I'm no good. At anything. I can't cook like Pap. I'm not athletic like Undyne. I'm no good with people like Mettaton. I'm not funny like you. I'm not smart like Alphys. I have no redeeming qualities. I'm worthless. I'm a burden." Your eyes began burning again.

"Kid… who told you those things?"  
"No one. I just know it's true."

"No."

"What?" He made you turn to look at him.

"It's not true. Sure you burnt the dumb cookies or whatever, but you make the best iced tea I've ever had. Plus, it's always more fun to cook with you, just for the experience. You might not be able to run as fast as Undyne but let's face it. Literally no one can. But I've seen the way you dance, and that fishy lady has nothing on you in that category.

"You say you're not good with people, but how did you make friend with me? With Pap? With everyone in the whole Underground? Because you're a genuine person. I respect Mettaton because he's dating my brother, but he's kind of fake. He's not as real as you

"You're hilarious, to me anyway. Your puns aren't the greatest, but that's what makes them funny! Besides, you've gotten so much better since falling. You wouldn't have known a joke if it punched you in the face, but look at you now. You've almost caught up with me.

"Anyone who tells you that you're stupid doesn't know what they're talking about. Just because you have trouble in math doesn't mean anything. You were smart enough to save us all. You were smart enough to know exactly what to do for each and every one of us monsters.

"So I don't know what you mean. Useless? A burden? I think you're the one supporting all of us. We're more of a burden on you than you are on us. Now, no more crying. You're stronger than that, you have too much determination."

"Sans… "

"And no matter what happens, you'll always be our friend."

"But I don't have any talents. Everyone is so much better than me." His smooshed his finger against your mouth to make you stop talking and hopefully make you smile, even a little bit. It worked, slightly.

"No talents? Are you sure we're talking about the same person here? No one can be so genuine all the time. You honestly love helping everyone with everything. I don't think I know anyone else who can say they _honestly_ like helping people. You go to everyone's things, even if you really don't want to, because you know how much it means to them for you to be there. You're the biggest treasure we could ever have."

"I…"  
"Nope. You're not allowed to talk for the rest of the night. You're only allowed to listen." You pout, but internally you grin. A sudden thought hit you like a train, and you really wanted – no needed - to tell him. Only him.

"Actually Sans-"

"Ah what did I say?" His humorous smile faded when he saw how serious you looked. He blinked and motioned with his hands for you to continue.

"The reason I called you… was because I was thinking bad thoughts. Worse than what I already told you." His face went from confused to concerned to flat out scared. "I um… used to have these thoughts all the time, but after I met everyone they stopped. They came back, and it scared me so much that I called you."

"What were you thinking about Kiddo?" You could hear the faint tremor in his voice. He was doing a good job keeping it hidden, but not good enough.

"I thought about… just ending it all. Making the rest of the thoughts stop. It would really be too easy…" Two chilled hands squished your cheeks, effectively cutting you off. Sans pressed his palms stronger against your face.

"That's enough of that. You shouldn't think that ever. _Ever._ If you did… that, oh man. Everyone would be completely destroyed. You're the reason we made it out. The reason we're all still together. You're our _world_ kid. I don't know what we would do without you. So don't ever leave us. Please promise me you won't leave us. Won't leave me."  
You snuggled your face into the fabric of his jacket, letting your pent up emotions flow out all at once. He wrapped his arms around you in a show of silent support. You never knew how much you meant to everyone. How much they all cared.

You couldn't believe how much they cared.

Why would they care?

Why?

His arms tighten around you and you remember. You remember the late night walks to Grilby's. The movie nights with Alphys. The fashion shows with Mettaton. The bedtime stories with Papyrus. All the good times you've spent with these people.

"You do care…" Your words were garbled by your sobs and muffled by his jacket, but he managed to understand. "You do care. You actually care. You love me. I'm loved. Oh my god… people love me…"

"Better believe it Kiddo. We all love you. Shhhhh…. Shhhhh its okay. Let it out." He rubbed your back as you wore yourself out. By the time you were all cried out, it was way past midnight. He carried you out to the living room and curled up on the couch with you.

He knew you actually found the couch comfier than your old mattress anyway. You clung to his jacket, afraid that if you let go it'll have all been a dream and you'll wake back up. If it was a dream… you didn't want it to end.

"Hey. How about in the morning we go spend some time with Paps. He's been kind of lonely without you around." You nod your head. Yeah, that was a good idea. "Alright cool. I'll let him know in a little bit. You know how he gets if he doesn't have time to prepare something ahead of time."

You chuckle weakly. Yeah, you knew exactly how he got. As you drifted off to sleep, you held Sans' jacket tighter. You could feel each muscle relaxing in his hold. You honestly don't know where you would be without him.

* * *

 **Alright first off thank you all again for being so supportive. It means more than you can possibly imagine.**

 **I said in the last chapter my projected number of chapters, and as of now it'll stay close to that. Maybe a few more because I've gotten more ideas since the last update.**

 **I said it before and I'll say it again. If you need someone to talk to, PM me. I'll gladly talk to you. In fact, it would be an honor if you'd trust me with helping you. Not to sound cheesy or anything.**

 **So I don't know when the next update will be, but I'm about to start the next chapter because I won't have wifi to update for a few more hours and I have some spare time before my show goes on.**

 **Until next time!  
~Starlight **


	5. Flippancy- suicide

"Careful Kid! You'll fall off the edge if you keep that up!" You were walking along the edge of the walkway in Hotlands, balancing dangerously over the hot lava. You were pretending you were walking on a tight rope, arms outstretched.

"You say that as if it's a bad thing!" You laugh without looking back at him. His face twisted in confusion.

"It would be a bad thing." You hop away from the edge and turn to face him. You begin walking backwards in front of your friend.

"If you say so." You were supposed to follow him to work to make sure he stays awake and focused, but you both knew it would be an even less productive day than usual.

There was already a few people waiting around the booth. They saw you coming and perked up, ready to get some of Sans' infamous hotdogs. Despite watching closely every time you followed him, you never saw his make any hotdogs. They just… appear whenever someone orders one. You asked him once, and he just gave you a grin and a wink.

You never had an appetite for hotdogs after that.

"Hey Kiddo, seems like we're done for the day. Wanna head home?" You glanced at the clock on your phone and give him a raised eyebrow.

"Sans it's only three pm. There might be more customers. Plus, you're supposed to be doing your sentry duty, not selling hotdogs." He just shrugged and started walking away, knowing you'd follow him anyway.

"You might want to follow me kid. You don't want to be killed on your way home cuz you weren't around big strong Sansy." You roll your eyes but fall back a step.

"In that case you go on ahead." You said it flippantly, but Sans stopped walking all together.

"That was a joke kid…" You furrow your eyebrows a little, not thinking anything wrong with what you just said.

"Yeah, yeah whatever."

"No, not whatever. Kid, you shouldn't say things like that. People might think you're serious about it." You shrug again, not letting the twinge in your chest show on your face.

"You're the jokester, not me." He shot you a single raised eyebrow, not sure what to make of your comment. Did you really…?

"Come on Kid… let's go home okay?" You followed him silently, not wanting to make him think you were actually suicidal.

Not that you weren't.

But you wouldn't tell him that.

* * *

"Human, why do you keep doing that?" You gave Papyrus a questioning look as you placed the knife back down on the counter. You decided to help make dinner because you were beyond bored. You were tossing the knife into the air and trying to get it to spin once or twice before catching its handle. You managed three good catches before missing, barely stepping out of the way before it impaled the floor. It sank a centimeter into tiles. You just laughed and made a comment about what a shame it was you moved.

"Do what Pap?"

"Make comments like that. You shouldn't throw away your safety like that. More importantly, what would have happened if you _hadn't_ moved?"

"Who knows?" He gave you an accusatory stare and you felt yourself shrink a little.

"I know Human. You would have a knife sticking out of your foot and there would be human blood all over the floor." You glance away, not able to make eye contact with the tallest skeleton. You felt bad for worrying him.

"Sorry Pap…"

"Do be more careful Human! We care about you, and it would be awful if anything were to happen to you." You watched him back to work, but you thought about the knife again. About throwing the knife in the air, about it falling… about it hitting you.

Sans entered the kitchen and paused, warily watching you stare into space. He exchanged a look with his brother and knew something was wrong. He went over to Papyrus and stood close, letting his brother whisper to him.

"Another one of _those_ comments. I'm getting worried brother."

"Me too bro…" You snapped out of your daydream and noticed the addition to the kitchen.

"Oh hey Sans. When did you get here?" He gave you an easy going smile.

"Just got off of work. Anything interesting happen today?" You shrug and smile back at him, positive he won't find out about the knife incident.

"Nah. Just been messing around here and there." He hummed and turned away, murmuring something to Papyrus. Your heart beat increased, but you shook it off.

There's no way he's onto you…

Is there?

* * *

You were wedged between Sans and Mettaton on the couch. Papyrus next to Mettaton and Undyne sitting next to Alphys on the floor with their backs against the couch. You were watching a movie about human Samurai. You hadn't been paying much attention. Too many long winded speeches for your liking. A single line stuck out to you though.

"I cannot live on with such dishonor on my name." The samurai on the screen raised his sword and plunged it into his chest, mumbling about honor.

"What is this?" Undyne was the most outraged. "What kind of idiot loser goes and kills themselves?"

You felt your shoulders tense at her words. She continues her rant, and with each word you found yourself getting angrier and angrier. You couldn't take it.

"I mean, not only is it selfish, but it's just dumb-"

"IT'S NOT DUMB!" everyone turned to you in shock. "It's not pathetic! Or cowardly! You never know what someone's going through! You never know that going on in their heads! You have no right to call someone an idiot for wanting to end the HELL they're living in!" Tears were streaming down your face at this point. Sans placed a comforting hand on your arm but you brushed it away.

"You never know why someone would want to kill themselves, so calling me and idiot is the worst thing you could do!" You didn't catch your slip until it was too late. Tears streaming down your face, you ran from the room, slamming the door behind you.

You immediately felt bad for storming out, but your heart was beating so fast and your hands were shaking so much. You couldn't stay there any longer. You never meant for anyone to find out. You trudged through the snow, letting the cold numb you.

You hadn't always thought this way. Once, years and years ago, you were happy. Bu now… you kick a rock that was hidden under the snow and let out a stream of curses. You let the tears fall more freely, and you found yourself in a tornado of self-hate.

You're the real monster here… making everyone worry. Making them bother over you. You heard a stick break behind you, but you didn't move. You knew who it was. He always broke a stick, or rustled some leaves or splashed some water so you knew he was there.

"Hey there Kiddo. You left in such a rush, no one knew where you went."

"Obviously you knew."

"Well yeah. I know you best after all."

"…"

"Well, not as well as I thought apparently." You finally turned to look at him, and regretted it instantly. His smile was gone and his eyes looked so pained. You caused him this pain.

"What do you mean?" he sighed deeply and took a step towards you.

"How was I so stupid?" He was almost yelling, and it scared you.

"Sans…"

"This whole time… you were serious, weren't you? All those comments you made all the time." You didn't bother responding. He already knew the answer. He sighed again, covering his face with one hand. "I should have seen it. I'm so sorry…"

"Why are you apologizing?" Now you were scared and confused.

"Why?" He gave a sad chuckle. "This whole time, you honestly wanted to die, but I didn't notice. I didn't help. I failed you."

"Sans stop…" You took a step towards him. You were afraid. He's never acted like this before.

"What if I never found out? What if you actually did it? Huh? What if you left me?" He fell to his knees, voice catching. You stared in horror as he began to cry. You knelt next to him and wrapped an arm around him. "I don't know what I would do if you left us…"

"I'm sorry." It was a whisper, but it was loud enough for him to hear you.

"I should have been there for you. I should have been able to save you." He buried his face into your chest and sobbed. He was mumbling something, but you couldn't make it out.

"Hey Sans." He finally looked at you. He was a mess, face blotchy blue and tears dripping heavily. "I won't leave you. Not yet."

"But…"

"It won't be easy… These thoughts… these urges. They might not ever go away."

"I'll be here for you. I'll make it up to you." He hugs you tighter, as if afraid to let go. That if he let's go, you'll disappear completely.

"A-are… are the others mad at me?" He jerked back as if hit.

"Mad? Oh god no! Everyone's terrified! They thought you… you were going to…" He cut himself off and took a shuddery breath. "Undyne was so broken up that she hurt you like that… she had no idea. None of us did…"

"Is she okay?" He chuckled again.

"Look at you. You run out in tears and ask if Undyne is alight."

"But is she?" He ran a hand through your hair, smoothing it over.

"Yeah, a little shaken but more worried about you. Speaking of which…" he stood and pulled you up with him. He wrapped his arms around you and whispered in your ear. "We have some explaining to do."

Before you could protest, he zapped out of the clearing and into the middle of the living room. Everyone jumped up and rushed at you, all talking at once.

"Human are you okay?"

"I'm so sorry Human! I had no idea!"  
"Don't worry Darling we're here for you."

"U-um… are you alight?" Sans clapped to get everyone's attention. You tried to hide behind him, but he refused to let you avoid this.

"Good news, I found the kid in time. Everything's okay for now. Bad news…" he pushed you forward a little. "Go on kid. I think we'd all like to hear what's up."

"All those comments, all those things I did… they weren't jokes. Most of the time at least. I… sometimes I feel like everyone would be happier without me, and that sometimes I think if I were to go through with it, I would be happier…"

"Are you not happy here, with all of us?" Papyrus was the first to speak, looking distraught.

"I am! It's just… sometimes I feel super sad all of a sudden, and I just want it to stop… It's not because of any of you."

"D-did you feel like this b-before you fell down here?" You felt all the blood rush to your head, your heart beat loud in your ears.

"Y-yeah. That's…" You trailed off, watching every eye being trained on you. "That's kind of the reason I'm here to begin with. I, um… I was dumped that day, and they told me I wasn't good enough for them, and that no one could ever really love me so I wanted to…"

"Oh Kid…" Sans placed a shaking hand on your arm and placed a kiss on the side of your head. His support filled you with the determination to continue.

"I wanted to end it. I honestly thought they were right. That I was unlovable… but after meeting everyone I guess I started to think a little differently. I still feel like a burden some days, but other days I wake up happy. I haven't woken up happy in a long time, even if it was just for a day or two."

"So, you enjoy being our friends?" You smile at Pap and take his hand.

"Nothing has made me happier."

* * *

 **I really dislike how this came out, but I already rewrote it about four times and I really wanted to put something up. This was particularly hard for me to write, because this was literally what I did for almost a year but no one noticed.**

 **Also, I have an idea for a chapter, but I don't know how comfortable y'all would be with it. It would be the reader and Sans, but you're afraid to tell him to stop and when he finds out you went through with it because you were too scared to tell him to stop, he's horrified. It would be about being afraid to talk to your significant other and learning to trust them again. Would anyone be super uncomfortable with that?**

 **I won't say their name, but I received a message from someone talking about how they want to help their friends but don't know how. It really meant so much to me that they trusted me. If anyone else needs someone to talk to, don't hesitate to message me.**

 **Everyone keeps telling me how good my writing is, and I kind of don't believe them all that much. I'm not the best at it, but the thought that people actually like my writing makes me feel way better about how badly I suck at everything else haha**

 **Thank you everyone for reading! Hopefully the next update won't be as shitty. Hopefully. If anyone has any preferences for what comes next, some of my ideas are the reader being caught in the middle of cutting/ trying to kill themselves, the reader bruising and or burning themselves rather than cutting, the reader being talked down from an anxiety attack, the reader getting a job and getting super stressed about messing up and the reader being a boy who dislikes being a boy but Sans tells them they aren't unnatural or wrong. I also got another request, but they're getting a chapter all for themselves.**

 **ALSO! Would anyone be interested in a Papyrus comfort chapter? It seems Sans is a unanimous favorite for the most part, but I love Pap to, and I feel like he sort of gets brushed out of the way sometimes. Review or message me what you want to see!**

 **Until next time!**

 **~Starlight**


	6. Love Me- consent

**Mature rating for this chapter… don't get butt hurt over the "adult content"**

* * *

"Oh god I've waited so long for this." You laid on your back, your hair spread over his pillow and your shirt discarded somewhere on the floor. You and Sans had been… more than friends, for a few months, but tonight you were going one step further.

"I'm not really sure what to do…" He just smiled at you and caressed your face.

"Let me handle it babe. I'll make sure you're comfortable." You return his smile, a little less nervous. He trailed his hands down your sides, taking in how you shudder under his fingers.

He gently unhooked your bra and let it slip off, flinging it onto the floor to join your shirt. His breath ghosted over your breast and you inhaled deeply. You had been looking forward to this for a while, but it almost seemed unreal that it was happening.

From the very beginning he would make flirty comments and lewd jokes, just to see you blush, but now you were about to go into a whole separate level of your relationship.

Cold fingertips gently brushed you through your underwear and you jolted slightly. He continues his ministrations and you let a small whimper escape your lips. He grinned and let his eye glow blue. It was silent for a moment before the glow traveled to his lower jaw. A glowing tongue slipped from his teeth. He knew what you liked.

His tongue licked your bottom lip and you opened your mouth to let him in. He hummed as he kissed you the best he could. His fingers slipped into your underwear and dipped into your warmth. You jolted and moan into his mouth.

"S-sans…" Hearing you moan his name made his hips jerk forward.

"C-can I…?" You saw the lust in his eyes, and nodded. You felt something nudge your thigh and you closed your eyes. You never understood how he managed to make his magic dick, but you never questioned it. As he began to push in, you got a jolt of fear.

You didn't want to do this anymore. You opened your mouth to say so, but you saw the love and adoration in his face and stopped. He really wanted this. You couldn't take this away from him. He pushed in little by little, moaning your name like a prayer to a god. A tear worked its way from your eye, partially from the pain and partially from your reluctance.

"Oh god… I love you so much." He growled into your ear as he slid all the way into you. You cried out, not trusting yourself to speak. He took your cry as something lustful and carefully began moving. He pulled out slowly and pushed back in just as slow.

You mind screamed at you to make him stop. To make this stop, but your body betrayed your thoughts. You could feel yourself getting wetter as he started to move faster and faster. Moans and yelps worked their way from your mouth despite the tears running down your face.

"You're so beautiful. I love you so much. You're so perfect. I l-love you." Sans mutterings became less and less understandable as his thrusts became more and more erratic. You felt the pressure building and knew you couldn't last much longer. He hit a particular place inside of you and you broke, clenching hard around him and screaming his name. Sans couldn't handle it, and came inside of you, crying out loudly. He collapsed on top of you, placing soft kisses on your forehead and whispering praises into your ears.

Like always, the cum disappeared with his magic and the room was left in darkness. He quickly fell asleep, but you were wide awake. You felt yourself shaking and knew you had to get to a bathroom, fast.

You slipped out from under his warm weight and rushed to the bathroom, retching into the toilet barely able to close the door before spewing up your dinner. It wasn't just your hands that were shaking anymore. Your whole body was trembling violently.

You turned on the shower and turned it to the hottest setting before stepping in. You let the scalding water burn your back as you let the tears fall. You sobbed into your hands and found you couldn't stop.

The hot water washed away all physical evidence of what happened, but the pain in your hips and your head proved it was more than real. You bit your knuckle hard enough to draw blood, trying to muffle the pained sobs. You were such an awful person.

Why did you suddenly want to stop like that? He loved you, and you loved him. So why weren't you able to enjoy your first time with him? Another wave of sobs hit you and you fell to your knees. The hot water scalded your scalp but the pain didn't distract you.

You could feel every more, every face Sans made burned behind your eyelids. You felt… _filthy._

The hot water finally ran out, so you decided you had been in the shower long enough. Your fingers and toes were beyond shriveled and the steam was so thick it was a little heard to breath. You wrapped the towel around yourself and slipped into Sans' room.

He was sleeping peacefully, a soft smile on his face and a faint blush on his cheeks. He was muttering something, and you took a step closer to hear what he was saying.

"…love you so much…" You felt another stab of guilt, but refused to cry again. You gathered up your clothes and changed as quick as possible. You had to get out of here.

Leaning over your sleeping lover, you went to kiss his forehead. Just as your lips were about to touch his skull, you flinched away. Afraid of your reaction, you stepped back and ran from the room, not bothering to leave a note.

You had to get out, and you knew exactly where to go. You pocketed your phone and left the house.

* * *

"W-what are you doing here so late?" Undyne rubbed her one good eye sleepily. You didn't realize just how late it had gotten, but you didn't know what else to do. You went to explain yourself, but the only thing that comes out of your mouth is a choked sob. She immediately wakes up and ushers you inside. She sits you down at the table and began brewing your favorite tea.

"Now spill human. Why are you at my house at three in the morning, crying hysterically?" Though her words were a little harsh, she really was worried for you. You shakily explained what happened.

"S-sans wanted to… go all the way tonight." Her eyes widened a fraction but didn't say anything. "It was going good at first, but as he was about to…. Do it…. I didn't want to do it anymore. B-but he wanted it s-so badly and I d-didn't want to t-tell him n-no… I feel so f-filthy!"

You sobbed into your hands, feeling your sins crawling along your back. She sat in silence for a few seconds, just listening to you cry as she absorbed the information.

"H-hey… there's no need to cry, you hear me? It's okay. Everything is fine…" She didn't know what to do. She's never face this before. She sent a quick text to Alphys, hoping the scientist would be able to help more than she could.

Undyne knelt next to the chair you were sitting in and wrapped her arms around you. You burry your face into her shoulder and cry more.

"H-how am I ever g-going to f-face him again? I just l-left afterwards. No n-note, no n-nothing. He's g-going to h-hate me now!" You were inconsolable. A light knock was the first thing you really processed since you told Undyne the whole story.

She stood and answered the door, letting in the knocker. You were all cried out, staring at the wall and sniffling sadly every few seconds.

"Um… h-hey there. Undyne called me over. Is s-something wrong?" You turned your head slightly to see Alphys and Mettaton standing by the table, almost as of afraid to get any closer. You numbly shake your head. You couldn't explain again.

Undyne pulled them aside and spent a few minutes whispering to them. You closed your eyes, wanting to block out everything that's happened tonight. Suddenly, a pair of arms wrapped around you and pulled you up into their chests.

"Oh Darling… no one should ever have to go through that." Mettaton seemed the most broken up about what had happened. He held you, his arms trembling with emotion. "Sex should be something enjoyed by both sides. It's beyond traumatizing when something like this happens."

"Mettaton… maybe you should um… give her some space?" His arms loosened slightly.

"She needs support now more than ever dear Alphys." You let your arms wrap around the robot's waist.

"Come one human. Let's move to my bedroom. It's more comfortable than this dumb kitchen." You were picked up and carried across the small house. You had only been in Undyne's room once before.

You were placed on the bed, and you just wanted to go to sleep. Wanted to forget about all of this for a little while. The three of them sat on the bed with you, talking about random things in hopes to get your mind off of what happened.

After a few hours, Alphys began drifting off. It was almost five in the morning, and everyone was yawning and rubbing their eyes. Finally, Mettaton wrapped his arms around you and pulled you into a cuddle. Undyne and Alphys ended up next to each other. Everyone finally drifting off to sleep and not waking up until late that morning.

* * *

"Where is she?" Sans was frantic, running around the house like a madman.

"Brother please calm down. She probably just stepped out for a moment."

"No bro. The bed was cold and the towel was almost dry. She must have left a while ago and she hasn't come back yet!" Tears were making their way down his cheeks. Where were you? Why did you leave him?

"I'll call Undyne. Maybe she's seen the Human." Papyrus pulled out his phone and dialed the first contact. "Hey Undyne! Oh… did I wake you? But Undyne it's almost noon… anyway I was wondering if you've seen the Human. Sans has been absolutely frantic looking for her-" He cut off and stared at Sans with shock. "Um… Undyne I don't think I… alright…. Okay…. Yes I believe I can do that…"

He hung up the phone with a click and hung his head. Sans was watching with apprehension, jumping when the call ended.

"Well?" Papyrus cleared his throat.

"It seems the Human is well. She is over at Undyne's." As expected, Sans was already shrugging on his jacket and heading towards the door. "W-wait Brother!"

"What is it Papyrus? I have to go get her now!" Papyrus placed a hand on his brother's shoulder.

"Actually Brother… Undyne asked me to keep you away from her house for a while." Sans face contorted in betrayal and confusion.

"B-but I have to…"

"I would follow Miss Undyne's advice and stay here, at least for today." Sans' shoulders slumped in defeat and he threw himself onto the couch. He scratched at his skull, frantically trying to think of what was wrong.

Of why you didn't want to see him.

* * *

"U-undyne! I could have talked to him!" You were shocked at how brash the woman was on the phone.

"Yeah, the way you started shaking when I said his name really proved to me you would have been able to handle talking to the runt." You couldn't argue. You did start shaking a little when she said Sans' name.

"I have to face him eventually." You really just wanted to leave. While you were so grateful for your friends trying to comfort you, they were becoming a little too much. You felt smothered. You decided after lunch you would go back to Snowdin.

Lunch went by smoothly, Mettaton leaving as soon as he finished eating and Alphys following soon behind. Apparently he had been at her lab for a checkup and they both rushed right over when she got Undyne's call.

"Thanks Undyne. For everything. But I have to go face the mess I made."  
"You sure Human? I don't mind you takin up space in my house for a few more days." You give her a big smile and a hug.

"Thank you, but this is something I need to face head on."

"Good luck girlie. Call me if anything goes wrong." You smile at her again and nod.

"I promise I'll call if anything goes wrong." Her grin faded a little and she hugged you one last time.

"Stay safe, or I'll kick your butt!"

"Bye Undyne. I'll see you around." The walk through Waterfall was very calming. It gave you time to rehearse what you were going to say.

"Hey Sans. Sorry I ran out. I um… needed some air… I had some errands to run?" You shook your head. You had no excuse for what you did. Unfortunately you found yourself back in Snowdin sooner rather than later. Your hand reached out to take the knob, but you hesitated. What if he was angry at you?

Before you had much time to dwell on that thought, the door flung open and strong arms pulled you inside. You head him before you saw him, Sans crying into your shoulder. You manage to pry him off of you and were finally able to understand what he was saying.

"Oh god I was so worried are you alright did anything happen why did you leave oh god I was so worried." He was crying, and you felt a thousand times worse. He reached a hand out to touch your face and you flinched away without meaning to. He also flinched, but because he was shocked by your reaction.

"W-what's wrong?"  
"It's nothing S-sans." You mentally curse at yourself for stuttering.

"Come on. Something's wrong. Please tell me."

"…" You look away, not able to hold eye contact for more than a few seconds.

"Was it about last night?" You clenched your eyes tight and refuse to answer. "Oh god… it is isn't it…" His hands began shaking.

"If… if I had said no, would you have stopped?"

" _Of course!"_ He practically spit the answer. "I would never do anything you weren't willing to do…"

His eyes widened, as if your refusal to look at him and your flinching away from contact was enough to explain the whole situation. He fell back, his knees giving out. He fell and barely caught himself on the arm of the couch. He clenched his shirt and stared wide eyed at you, tears leaking from his sockets.

"Please… please don't tell me… _please_ don't tell me…" Your silence was all he needed. "Oh god… I'm so sorry. I'm so s-sorry. I had no idea…"

"Sans…"

"I would never do anything to hurt you. I would never, ever try to hurt you. Do you believe me?" You nod your head, but refuse to look at him. You knew he would never purposely try to hurt you.

"It's fine…"

"It's NOT fine! If you had told me…. I'm so sorry…" You wrapped an arm around him and let him cry into your shoulder. Part of you found it slightly amusing that not five hours ago you were in this same position.

"If we ever do that again, tell me if you don't want to continue." The uncertainty in his voice startled you.

"If?"

"I won't do anything unless you're comfortable with it, and after last night I don't know if you'll ever be comfortable with me again…" You wanted to deny that, wanted to promise him you'll be right as rain in a few days, but you didn't want to lie. Just him sitting this close to you on the couch made you anxious, and you hated it.

"Just… give me some time." He nodded sadly and sat in silence for a second, collecting his thoughts.

"W-what… what happened? Were you against it from the beginning? Or…?" You took a deep breath and gripped your pants in your fists.

"I was f-fine at first… but when you were about to actually do it…" Your cheeks burned with shame and embarrassment. "I was scared. I wanted to stop, but you looked so… you're face had so much love in it, I didn't want to make you stop. I know how much it meant to you, and how much you were waiting for it…"

He took a sharp breath and tensed up.

"That early into it… you didn't tell me to stop because… because of me?" Even his voice was shaking. You felt awful, you made him feel guilty.

"N-not like that…" He placed his head in his hands and shook for a little bit.

"This is all my fault."

"No! It's my fault for wanting to back out halfway through…" His head shot up and he looked at you with absolute horror.

"This is no way your fault. I should have stopped. Would… could you ever forgive me?" You take his hand in yours and place a light kiss on his knuckles.

"I could never blame you." He moved to hug you, but you moved away again. He froze and moved back to the farthest part of the couch.

"I love you… and I'm so sorry. I don't think I can ever express how sorry I am."

"I love you too… please. Just give me some time." He kissed his fingertips and placed them on the back of your hand.

"As much as you need."

* * *

 **Alright. I apologize… this** **is the third chapter I started writing but the first one I actually finished. I started writing one about starving and another about work related stress and anxiety. Neither are turning out the way I want them too.**

 **I feel like it got kind of wishy wash at the end, because my own experience wasn't quite like this. Unfortunately, my (Ex) boyfriend would try to push me farther and farther, then act guilty and upset when I finally backed down. Similar to a point, but not enough for the actual emotions to come though.**

 **Do you guys think I'm expressing the emotions well enough in these chapters? I kind of feel like I'm skirting around certain things. If you have any suggestions on how to get those emotions across stronger, please let me know!**

 **A huge, gigantic, heartfelt thanks to everyone who reviewed, favorited and followed. I see all the reviews of people thanking me for writing these, but really guys. Thank you for reading and supporting me…**

 **With how my motivation is slowly dwindling, I don't know how soon I'll be able to post something that isn't complete crap…**

 **So until next time**

 **~Starlight**


	7. Finally Pretty- eating disorder

"Come on Kid. You have to eat more than that." Sans was trying to coax you into finishing more of your dinner, but you couldn't. Just because your stomach was growling didn't mean you could eat. You push your plate away a little and make a pained face.

"My stomach is really starting to hurt. I think I'm just going to lie down for a little while." You were living with the Skeletons, but they decided that sleeping on the couch was unacceptable for "The best friend of the Great Papyrus!" So they converted the shed into a little apartment area, with a small hallway connecting the main house. There wasn't a kitchen, so it was really just a room with a small bathroom, but it was perfect.

Sans made a scoffing noise in the back of his throat and continued to eat his dinner, dipping the chicken in obscene amounts of ketchup. You made your way to your room and closed the door with a sigh. Clicking the lock in place, you crouched and pulled something out from under your bed.

The scale was the first thing you purchased after settling down in the small snowy town. It was an electronic glass scale, and you used it religiously. You could feel the few bites of chicken rolling around in your stomach and braced yourself for the number.

You felt tears drip down your chin as you stare in horror at the weight. How is that possible? You gained .6 pounds in one day? You scribbled down the number with a shaking hand and tossed the notebook onto the bed and slid the scale back under.

You sat on the mattress and felt your stomach growl again. You had been trying so hard to skip as many meals as possible, but today you slipped up big time. Papyrus made Danishes for breakfast, your favorite, and Sans took you to Grillby's for lunch. You ate way too much.

You hooked your feet under the frame of your bed and did your daily set of sit ups. You've only started this 'diet' four days ago, but you could already feel the definite burn from this particular exercise. After that, you did a set of jumping jacks and finished with a core workout. Anything to get your stomach flatter.

You opened your bedside drawer and pulled out a soft measuring tape. You measured around your waist, your ribs, your hips and your thigh. No change yet, but you were determined. You felt the room shift a little, and you fall onto the bed.

Closing your eyes, you only meant to rest for a few minutes. Next thing you know there's a knock at your door.

"Kiddo? It's almost noon! You feeling okay?" You shot up, the notebook falling to the ground with a dull thud.

"Y-yeah just forgot to set an alarm I guess."

"Why is your door locked?" He asked with concern. You pretended not to hear him as you threw on a clean shirt and ran a brush through your hair. You opened the door, expecting some sort of lecture, but he just looked you up and down and took a step back, gesturing for you to go first.

"Human! There you are! You missed a wonderful breakfast prepared by yours truly!"

"Sorry Papyrus. I guess I forgot to set my alarm last night."

"Speaking of which, how are you? You said last night you were having stomach problems."

"I'm going great bud. Thanks for asking."

"Here kid. I made up a plate for you." Sans handed you a small plate of scrambled eggs and toast, and it took all your will power not to flinch.

"T-thanks Sans. I'll go take a shower and eat it after okay?" He hummed and waved nonchalantly, heading out the front door. You smiled at Papyrus and headed back to your room. Your stomach growled loudly but you resisted. You were strong.

You tipped the food into the trashcan in your room and placed the empty plate on your bedside table. You grabbed a clean outfit and headed to your bathroom. When you say it's small, you mean _small._ It was maybe five steps from door to wall, the shower against the left wall., the sink directly across from it and the toilet tucked behind a little wall.

Throwing your old clothes into one pile and the new outfit into another, you turned the hot water on, waiting for the steam to work up. As soon as the mirror began fogging up, you turned the shower on and stepped in.

The hot water did wonders for you, your muscles instantly relaxing. You wash yourself and you feel more human. You take a deep breath and spend a few more moments in the heat before turning the knob all the other way. Ice cold water spat at you, causing your jaw to chatter within moments. But it was good for you.

The cold water burned calories. It'll help you. You stood in the frigid water for as long as you could stand before you lost all feeling in your fingers, your nail beds starting to turn blue. You turn off the water and wrap yourself in your towel, quickly drying off and changing.

Papyrus was still in the kitchen, humming a cheery tune. He was sitting at the table, doing something on his phone. He looked up as you entered and his brow bones scrunched.

"Human your lips are blue! That cannot be good for your health!" He stood and rushed to you, placing a hand on your cheek, the heat from his bones caused you to flinch.

"Nah I'm oaky Pap. Don't worry." You gently bat his hand away, but it wasn't quick enough. He felt how icy your own hand was and gathered it in his own, rubbing your fingers between his palms to warm them.

"Here Human, come sit and I'll make you something warm to drink." You couldn't say no, so you sat down and prayed you wouldn't really have to drink it. The mug warmed your fingers instantly, and you made a show of blowing on the piqued to cool it.

You talked about random subjects until Papyrus had to leave, something about helping Mettaton with his next show. You managed to talk through the whole morning, not once taking a sip of your drink. When you were sure Papyrus had left, you placed the now cold mug on the counter and poured yourself a glass of ice water.

* * *

"Hey Kiddo! I brought home some dogs for us! Papyrus won't be home for dinner so I only got enough for us two." Sans called to the house, knowing you would hear him even if you were in your room.

"Oh thanks Sans… actually I'm not very hungry. I made a pretty big dinner for myself already but thanks for the thought." It was a lie of course. The last thing you ate was dinner two nights ago, but you would never tell him that. You were doing so well with your diet. You had lost two pounds already, between not eating and your exercising.

"You sure? You're looking a bit thin over there." He commented airily. You felt your face flush with pride. He could already tell?

"Aw thanks, but I'm okay really. I'm going to take a shower. I'll catch up with you soon though." You exited, planning on taking another cold shower after completing your sit ups and such. Sans watched you go with confusion.

He shrugged and went into the kitchen, placing the hot dogs on the table. He dig in the fridge looking for some ketchup, but stopped. Something was wrong here. He had stocked the fridge a few days ago, so he knew what was in there, and there was nothing missing from the last time he checked. Something about that made Sans' stomach uneasy.

If the kid didn't eat, he thought to himself, why would she lie about it? He looked around, hoping to be prove wrong, but everything was where it was when he left, not a crumb out of place. The only difference was a mug on the counter. Under closer investigation, he realized it was still full.

Something was definitely wrong, but he had to make sure before he went around accusing you of anything outrageous.

* * *

It had been two weeks into your 'diet' and no one seems to have noticed anything. You were outside with Papyrus and some of the local children. It was the morning after a fresh snowfall, and everyone was in a playful mood.

You and Papyrus made a fort in front of your house, the other kids making their fort closer to Grillby's. The following snowball fight was one that would go down in the history book. For an hour straight the two teams exchanged fire.

More than once you got a snowball directly to the face, but you just laughed it off. Your vision suddenly went out for a second and you stumbled directly into Papyrus, who was about to launch the next wave. He automatically dropped the snow in order to right you so you didn't fall.

"Human, are you alright?" You nod, but that made your head swim even more. He knelt next to you and you felt his hands flutter over your forehead. The other kids must have sensed something was wrong because they crowded around you.

You made to stand, but faltered, falling to one knee. You cursed under your breath. You had been making sure to eat something every two days so you wouldn't pass out, but you forgot today with the snowball fight taking precedence in your head. You were carefully picked up and carried into the warm house.

The skeletons fussed over you for almost two days, thinking you had a cold from being in the snow for so long. They never once guess it was because you hadn't been eating…

* * *

You couldn't be happier. In less than a month, you were down ten pounds. You read somewhere that at first you'd lose weight like crazy, then it would even out to an average. But you couldn't be happier. You've been noticing some appearance changes, but those were easy enough to cover up. Because you weren't eating, your hair had become flat and dull, easy enough to fix with some special conditioner. Your nails had begun to turn a sickly yellow color, but you painted them so it wouldn't show though.

The hardest thing to hide was the shallowness in your cheeks, but with some well-placed strokes of makeup, you managed to make it look intentional. You looked amazing, or better than you did a month ago. You were still fat though.

You stared at your reflection, noting how your ribs had started to poke through your skin, but you were still too wide. The gap between your legs was a little wider, but your thighs still touched. It was an improvement, but it wasn't good enough. A knock came from your door and you threw a baggy shirt on before answering.

"Hey Kid. Alphys invited everyone over for this big pot luck dinner thing. Pap made some fancy noodle dish for our contribution. And no, you can't get out of this. Alphys requested you came especially." You suppressed a groan. There was no way you were getting out of this.

"Yeah okay sounds fun. Let me get changed okay?" Sans smile and nodded, leaving you to your own devices. Little did you know, his grin turned a little more mischievous as his back turned to you. You closed the door and sighed, hoping no one would notice you not eating. Then again, you could always try…

You shake your head. You promised yourself it would never come to that. You changed into a nice sweater and pulled your hair back into a high pony tail. It took you twice as long to do your make up so you didn't look sickly, but Sans and Papyrus weren't upset about having to wait.

The walk over was fun, Papyrus leading the way and Sans throwing snowballs at the back of his head. You found yourself getting caught up in their good vibes until you got closer to Alphys' lab. You could already smell the food, and you felt bile rise in the back of your throat.

"Knock, knock Alphys! It is I, the Great Papyrus, along with Sans and the human! We bring a gift of noodles and good moods!" The door slid open and the short yellow monster greeted you with a huge smile.

"Um… h-hey guys! You can put the food on the t-table. We're still arguing about what movie to p-put on." You were swept into the lab, the smell of food hitting you even stronger. Your gag reflex instinctually triggered, but you kept a straight face.

As you entered the room where everyone was, something was shoved into your hands. It was a plate piled high with a little of everything on it. Though your mouth watered and your stomach growled, you also felt the burning in the back of your throat and the sudden urge to run away.

"Come on kid! It would be rude to not try a little of everything. Everyone worked so hard to make it." Sans had an innocent grin, but you knew it was anything but innocent.

"A-actually Sans, I'm not feeling too well. I'll just sit out from the food if that's okay."

"Actually, that's not okay. See, a few of us noticed you were rapidly losing weight, and got concerned." He took a step towards you, and you were suddenly afraid. "So we decided to throw this little shindig to make sure everything was alright."

"O-of course everything is alright." You couldn't meet his eye, but you took a forkful of the first thing on the plate and shoved it in your mouth. The taste covered your tongue, and you finally realized just how _hungry_ you were. Without any restraint, you shoveled the food into your mouth as fast as you could, barely bothering to chew.

Before you knew it, your plate was empty and your stomach was painfully full. Sans had been watching you with a careful eye and nodded once he was sure you actually ate the whole plate.

"Okay good. Help yourself to more if you're still hungry." He turned and left, but you were anything but hungry now. You were sick to your stomach. Between having your stomach shrink in the past month, and eating so much in such a small amount of time really took its toll.

You ran to the nearest bathroom and locked the door. You kneeled over the toilet and retched once, twice, but nothing came out. You realized you were going to have to do what you were dreading. You pushed your sleeves up and pulled your hair back. Leaning back over the toilet, you stuck your pointer and middle fingers down your throat.

At first you just gagged, but the more you plunged your fingers down your throat, the more you could feel the food moving up towards freedom. Finally, after maybe the fifth time of gagging and spitting out saliva, you did it.

A small mouthful of bile spewed from your mouth and splashed in the water. Instantly, you felt so much better. So you did it again, and again, and again, until there was nothing else to throw up. You went over to the sink and drank come water from the faucet to rinse your mouth and col your burning throat, and leaned over the toilet again, retching up the water too, just for extra measure. Make sure everything was rinsed out.

You went back to the sink and final looked at yourself. You looked beyond sick, your face yellowish and sweaty. You rinsed your mouth again, trying to erase the bitter taste on the back of your tongue. You splashed some water on your face, not caring about messing up your makeup. You could easily make up some excuse. You just ate too fast and it made you sick.

Flushing the toilet, you took one last look in the mirror and opened the door.

"Sounds like you aren't quite okay…" Sans was leaning against the wall, arms crossed and a faint blue glow softly illuminating his cheekbones.

"I just a-ate too fast. Made my stomach upset."

"It didn't sound like it was because you ate too fast when you were gagging on your own fingers." Your heart _stopped_. How did he know?

"What are you talking about?" You couldn't hide the shaking in your voice.

"I heard you kid. I heard you gag and throw up. There's _no way_ that was natural. I've been there when you threw up for real. This was too precise. You did it yourself didn't you?"

"Of course not." You made to walk past him but he grabbed your wrist and pinned you against the wall, the hand you used pinned above your head.

"Then how do you explain this?" He positioned your hand so your fingers were showing. Right at the knuckle were bite marks, red and slightly bloody from where your front teeth nicked the skin. You were busted.

"I accidentally brushed against the bricks on the wall outside too hard. It's normal." It was a half-assed excuse, you knew it the second it left your mouth.

"Bull shit." His grip on your wrists tightened and you whimpered. You could feel your eyes burning, but you refused to cry in front of him. Time for plan B.

"So what? It's my body, why does it matter to you what I do with it?" His eyes grew impossibly wide, and he almost let go of you. Almost.

"Why does it matter? Because I care about you dammit! I was worried half to death when you almost passed out a few weeks ago, and you've only been getting worse! Have you looked in a mirror recently? You look like death!" You tried to escape his grip, his fingers tightening with each word. You whimpered again, but this time because you were afraid of the anger in his voice.

"Sans stop…"  
"NO! I won't stop! Why are you trying to kill yourself? What made you think starving yourself was a good idea?"

"I'm not starving myself…" You mumble, knowing it was a lie.

"No more bullshit. I know you haven't been eating. I've been keeping track of what's in the fridge. And besides Pap, no one takes anything from there. I've been watching you, how you push the food around and squish it down before throwing it all out." He was trembling, from fear or anger you didn't know.

"It's none of your business." You still had a little fight left in you. His eyes suddenly blazed bright.

"It became my business the second you came to live with us, and it most certainly would be my business if I walked into your room and found a corpse in your bed." He was growling, the words like broken rocks. You flinched away. "It's my business because I care about you, because Papyrus cared about you. Why else would be throw this stupid party? Because we were all worried about you! Everyone noticed something was wrong, and now we know the truth."

"Everybody…" You were horrified to think everyone knew something was wrong. You tried so hard to hide it, but you weren't good enough apparently.

"How could we not notice? You dropped weight so fast we thought you were going to snap in half. You look so sick I'm afraid if you're out of my sight for more than ten minutes you're going to keel over dead. You all of a sudden became a hermit, not talking or handing out with anyone. It was obvious to everyone…" You finally let your tears fall.

"But…but now I'm beautiful, right?" His shocked breath tipped you off that he didn't know _why_ you were doing this.

"What are you talking about?"

"Now I'm pretty, right? Now that I'm skinnier?"

"Kid…" You clenched your eyes and let the tears squeeze out.

"Because… now that I'm pretty, you'll like me, right?" He dropped your arms and took a step back.

"What are you talking about kid?"

"Now I'm more desirable, right?" you sounded desperate, but you couldn't find it in you to care.

"Y-you're scaring me kid…"

"I was never good enough for you before, but now I am, right?" You could see the light in his eyes dim as he finally connected the dots.

"Oh kid…. Is that what this was all about?" You sniffled, but otherwise didn't respond. "You… god kid… you were never _not_ desirable."

"Of course I was. That's why you never looked at me." He ran a frustrated hand over his bare skull and sighed.

"I never looked at you because at first you really were just a kid to me." You looked up at him, but he was looking over your shoulder.

"At first?" Sans gave a humorless chuckle.

"Well yeah When you first fell you really were a kid… I guess it never dawned on me that you would grow up, that you would become a young woman before my very eyes." You were trembling, afraid you were jumping to conclusions with what he was saying, but he continued. "I thought of you as just a kid until maybe a month ago, when I noticed something was wrong."

"Sans…"

"I started thinking about you, in a not so brotherly way, and it freaked me out, because hey. You were just a kid, right? You were like a sibling, but apparently not." A nervous chuckle and another head rub. "I dunno, I guess the thought of losing you made me realize how much I cared about you. If I had known _I_ was the reason you were doing this to yourself…"

His hand shot out and punched the wall above your right shoulder, leaving a good sized dent in the drywall. He left his fist in the wall while he tried to get his shaking breath under control.

"Sans it's not your fault." You didn't like seeing him this way.

"You have to start eating normally again." That was not what you were expecting, and your chest clenched at the thought.

"But I've made so much progress…"

"You look _sick._ You need to eat like a normal person or you'll _die._ "

"I'm fine though." He dropped his hands to his sides for a second before pulling you into the bathroom. He held you in front of the mirror and locked eyes through the reflection.

"Look at yourself. Does that look like someone who's 'fine'?" You looked at yourself again, for real this time. Your skin was yellow and transparent. You're eyes bloodshot, hair limp, cheeks shallow, hands shaking. You really were a mess.

You try to speak, but nothing comes out. You managed to mouth a single word.

 _"No."_

"Yeah, that's the opposite of someone who's fine. Now, the next problem is how are we going to fix this?" You shook your head, not wanting to go back to the way you were before, all fat and flub and gross jiggles.

"I don't want to go back to that."

"Kid… I miss the old you." Your wide eyes locked with his again. "I miss being able to hug you and not be afraid of breaking you. You've gotten so frail…"

You look at the reflection again, finally seeing just how thin your upper arms were, just how pronounces your collar bones actually were, just how far your cheek bones jutted from your face. You felt sick again, this time because of what you've become.

"I don't think I can do it…"

"I'll be there for you. I'll help you." You shake your head, wrapping your arms around yourself.

"I won't be able to stop. I've gotten so used to being hungry, eating anything makes me sick. I've fallen so far… I can't escape this anymore." A shudder wracked your body.

"That's not true. You can overcome anything if you really try. And remember, I believe in you kid. You can do anything." You offer his a weak smile, something blooming in your chest. Sans led you from the bathroom back to the main room. He said he would handle explaining the situation. Everyone wanted to help you get better. The feeling grew stronger.

As everyone crowded around you to give you a hug, you felt yourself filled with not only determination, but the love you so desperately needed.

* * *

 **Thank you for actually liking my story! Again, my personal experiences aren't this intense at this, but I really do hope my emotions play though correctly.**

 **I said it a few chapters ago, but I just wanted to restate this. I am open to anything you want to talk about. If you want to talk about a friend that going through something, or if you're gotten past whatever you were going through. Do not hesitate to message me!**

 **So this was one of the two half chapters I mentioned in the last update. The other one is slightly more along, but nowhere near finished. I'm really proud with his regularly I'm updating. I just really hope I can keep it up.**

 **On another note, I got my first car! It's old, and a little beat up, but it's cute and red and I love it so much :3**

 **Anyway, as always, if you have any ideas you want to see, tell me! I already have a list on my phone of reader suggestions and I love how it keeps growing!**

 **Until next time!  
~Starlight **


	8. Tiger Stripes- self acceptance

"AAGHH!" Your frustrated scream carried through the house. You were standing in front of your mirror in your undergarments, staring at your thighs.

There were more of them.

You squished the fat of your leg, watching the stretch marks move with distaste. You thought when you lost weight they would go away, but now they were white rather than red. You hated them because they marked up your skin.

"Hey kid? Everything alight? Sounded like you were being attacked or something." Sans knocked on your door, his voice lilting with airy humor.

"No! I'm not okay!" You weren't really _upset,_ you were more frustrated.

"Can I come in?" Instead of answering, you gave a slight screech, which he took as a yes. The door opened with a light creak and he closed it behind him. He froze for a split second when he realized you were practically naked before coming over to you.

You had to give it to him, he hid his shock fairly well. His eyes widened for only a fraction of a second before his casual grin settled back into place. He came to stand next to you, the casual grin morphing into a more amused grin as he took in your frazzled expression.

"So where the fire kid?"

"Here! Look at this! What the hell is this?" You gestured frantically at the lines marring your thighs and stomach. He squinted and shrugged.

"I don't see anything there." You practically slap your forehead.

"The stretch marks! There are more of them! How am I ever going to get them to go away?" You weren't frantic yet, but you were certainly worked up.

"Stretch marks?" He leaned in closer, but still couldn't see why you were so upset. "I really don't see anything to be upset about."

"Don't you get it? I'm going to have these marks forever! I don't think there's any way to make them go away! I'm going to have these ugly marks for the rest of my life!" Your eyes started to burn a little at the thought.

"I don't get it."

"What's not to get Sans! I'm covered in gross, disgusting marks that will never go away and will only get worse and will make people think I'm fat and gross!" Why couldn't he understand why you were so upset? It was so obvious!

"Wha- No! You're beautiful! Always have been always will be."  
"But look at them! It's gross!" He didn't say anything, just let a finger lightly run over the marks, the barely there touch making your arms get goosebumps.

"They remind me of something. I can't remember what they're called though. Some kind of animal you have Aboveground. They're pretty big, with four legs and a long tail. They're orange with bark brown strips I think…" He tried to remember the name of the animal, but it passed right out of his head.

"You mean a tiger?" He closed his eyes and hummed.

"Yeah tiger. That sounds right. A tiger is strong and fierce and mysterious, just like you." You scoff and move away from his touch.

"I'm none of those things." Sans pulled you back to him and kissed the side of your head.

"You're _all_ of those things and more. Those marks just prove how strong you are. Besides…" He ran a finger down your side again. "You know how much I adore your body. Every mark and scar and freckle is so amazing to me. Skeletons don't have anything like that, and it just amazes me how supple humans are, how your bodies can tell the story of your life. Each adventure you go on, each year you live is like a brushstroke on the most perfect canvas."

He fan his fingers across your stomach, brushing each freckle softly, touching the stretch marks with so much love you felt your face heat up. Another shudder passed through your body and he smiled widely.

"So stop worrying about something like these stretch marks, cuz I love them as much as I love you." He kissed your forehead and took off his jacket. Handing it to you, he found a pair of sweatpants hanging over the back of a chair and tossed them at you. Smiling ruefully, you pulled on the sweats and zipped up his jacket. You went to him and gave him a huge hug, trying to convey how much you love him in the single motion.

"Come on kid, Papyrus wants us to watch Mettaton's show with him." You smile and bump him with your shoulder. He took the challenge and bumped you back. Before you went into the living room, Sans pulled you aside. He wrapped his arms tightly around your waist and pulled you close. His grin ghosted against your forehead.

"Don't forget. You're a tiger. You're strong, you're fierce. You're a work of art." He nuzzled your hair and you kiss his jaw.

"Thank you Sans. I'm proud to be your tiger." He pulled back and grinned blowing a raspberry and rushing into the living room.

"Yeah well… you're a tiger who won't have a seat on the couch!" You give a shocked – yet amused – gasp and rushed after him. You soon forgot about the anxiety you had earlier thanks to the love and affection of your friends.

* * *

 **Alrighty… I know this is like three times shorter than every other chapter I've written, but this was a request from the lovely KLR1997! Their request really stuck home for me. I really hope I wrote this right!**

 **Also, crappy ending, but I didn't know how to cut it off… I'm sorry for that**

 **Until next time!  
~Starlight**


	9. Grey- depression

"Human! Is everything alright?" Papyrus was staring intently at you, gauging your expressions. "You seem a bit distant this morning."

"Yeah Pap. Just tired." You were sitting at the kitchen table, dipping your spoon into your cereal bowl but not bringing any of the food up to your mouth. You were tired, and not just physically. You were physically tired too, no doubt about that. The bags under your eyes would have given you away in a heartbeat.

No, you were emotionally drained, just getting the motivation to answer your friend seemed like too much effort for the moment. You push your bowl away and plop your head down on the table. You groan as the wood grain digs into your forehead.

"Human?" You groan again, letting him know you heard him. You hear him take your bowl away and take a deep breath, mustering up the energy to pick your head back up. Something was placed by your head and sheer curiosity gave you the strength.

Looking up, you saw your favorite mug filled with ice cream. Despite the cold outside, you always had a weakness for icy treats. You lifted a heavy hand and took the spoon, bringing it up to your lips. You only took one bite before your energy drained again. You place the spoon next to the mug and place your head back down.

Papyrus made a light choking sound and left the kitchen, but you didn't care. You couldn't care about much of anything anymore. You're favorite show? What was the point? You're favorite foods? They all tasted like ash. The jokes that used to make you laugh? They just made the hole in your chest pang painfully. Everything around you was numb, grey.

Your thoughts felt muffled, like you were thinking in monotone. The world around you seems fuzzy. Your emotions were stuffy, like you were only feeling a portion of them. Your world was… dead, and you didn't know why.

You've had episodes like this before, where you couldn't get out of bed for the life of you, but those only lasted a single day at a time. It's been almost three days and you haven't been able to shake this veil that's been covering you.

Papyrus had been gone for five minutes, maybe ten. Maybe an hour… you had no clue. You didn't move, not when the condensation from your mug began to collect on the table and run under your palm. Not when you heard the front door open and close.

A hand rested on your shoulder, but you didn't jump. You were too grey for that.

Everyone had a color to you. Their personalities, their emotions and souls all had certain shades when they were around you. You used to have a color too, once. But now you were grey. Grey and numb. Numb and tired. Tired and dead.

The hand shook your shoulder a little, and you gathered the energy to turn your head to the side, just enough to see who it was. It was Sans, his grin down turned into a concerned frown. His one hand was on your shoulder, the other in his pocket.

"You okay Kiddo?" You couldn't answer. You couldn't shake your head. You couldn't move, but he was waiting for some kind of response. You took a deep breath and closed your eyes.

"No…" It was slurred a little, you didn't open your mouth all the way. You just couldn't. You hear him take a deep breath and his arm slipped under yours. You were hoisted onto the shorter's back. You barely managed to wrap your legs around his waist as he walked up the stairs. His footsteps lulled you into a half sleep.

Sleep was good. Sleep was black. It was something other than this thick grey that's been covering you so closely. Sleep was good. But you couldn't sleep because he placed you on the bed, jostling you awake.

He sat down next to you and wrapped an arm around your shoulder, his thumb bone rubbing calming circles into your upper arm. You sat there, staring straight ahead, concentrating on your breathing, making sure breathing doesn't become too much of a burden either.

"Kid, can you tell me what's wrong?" You wanted to talk but… it was too much. You stayed silent, and you could tell he was about to say something else by the way his shoulders lifted, but you had finally conjured the energy to start.

"The world… is so grey." His thumb kept its motions going, and he pulled you a little closer.

"What do you mean?" You struggle to find the words. Another weight pulls the bed down as Papyrus sits on your other side, his larger hand finding yours and pulling it onto his lap. The feelings of Sans' thumb and Pap's hand gave you something solid to focus on. It helped you center, helped you solidify your thoughts.

"Everything has color… but now the world is grey. No white, no black. No nothing. I'm grey."

"How is the world grey?" You're silent for a few moments, anchoring yourself to the feeling of both of them being there next to you.

"My head… feels fuzzy. My emotions are… not all there. I can't… feel?" You couldn't make the words form correctly. You knew what you meant, but it wasn't translating over to the others very clearly.

"What can we do to help?" You close your eyes and breathe as deeply as possible.

"… Listen?" it was the only thing you could think of.

"We are here for you Human. We will listen to anything you wish to tell us without any hesitation." Pap's words were exactly what you wanted to hear.

"I feel… fake. Transparent. I wake up… and feel like if I left… no one would care much." Just that small sentence tired you out.

"I would notice. I would notice immediately Human! How could I not notice someone so important to me not being there?" He seemed aghast at the thought.

"Don't worry about stuff like that Kiddo. We'll always be here for you, no matter what." Sans' voice rumbled deep within your chest, and it was enough to spark something in your chest. In your heart. You saw something – no. You felt something.

Next to you was… blue. It was a faint blue, more of a grey with blue tinges, but blue nonetheless. Papyrus' hand squeezed yours and you felt something else.

A glow. A dim glow, but a glow. It was a muddy yellow, but it was there. You felt tears in your eyes. Then you realized something else. Tears? Your eyes widened as the tears fall over the edge. Tears are clear, and clear is not grey.

Blue is not grey.

Muddy yellow is not grey.

You turn your head from side to side and looked at both of them, the fog in your head leaving the slightest bit.

Suddenly, your emotions were sharper, more in focus.

"Guys…" You choke out a sob, the sudden clarity causing your head to throb. You couldn't pin point what caused the grey to descend.

And you couldn't really pin point what made it go away.

You breathed again, your lungs clear of the cotton that before made it so hard to get air in and out. Your tears began to fall freely, the dust that was clogging your eyes gone. You were free from the deadness that was shackling you.

"Kid, what did you mean by colors?" You shook your head, finding the action still used up more energy than it should have. You take another moment and gathered your thoughts. It was easier this time.

"I don't see them. It's more like a feeling. The feeling of a color when I'm near someone. When the person's emotions change. I honestly can't explain it without sounding crazy."

"Well, why not give us some examples? Help us understand better?"

"Please Human! I am quite interested in this phenomenon." You looked at both of them again, feeling your cheeks heat up.

"Well… Pap, you're orange, but when you get excited about a puzzle it's more yellow. Sans, when you're just sitting on the couch with me, you're a soft blue, but when we're at Grillby's making jokes you're a deep purple." You trail off, afraid you really lost them this time.

"That makes sense, in a way. Maybe Alphys would be better able to understand." Sans was the first to respond. "But… what is the world now?"

"I'm not sure. When I'm fine, the world as a whole doesn't have a color. It's like a muffled kaleidoscope. It's only when something is intense am I able to distinguish it. Right now, it's still kind of grey. It's… still hard to think about all of this clearly, but it's a light grey."

"Thanks guys." They turned to you, confused.

"Why are you thanking us, Human?"

"For listening. For breaking this fog."

"That's what we're here for kiddo. We're here to help you in these funks."

"They happen often."

"I'll have to keep an eye out then. Make sure you don't get into any more trouble." Sans give you an exaggerated wink and you can't help but smile back. It was a weak smile, but it was something… You felt tears in your eyes once again, and chocked back a sob.

Or was it a laugh?

You didn't know, but you let them keep coming. You buried your face into Sans' jacket, letting the grey seep from your world. Your chest clenched painfully and you let out a garbled whimper. You felt hands rubbing your back.

What would you have done without them?

The sobs subsided, and you felt completely drained, but you were feeling something. Sans tried to help you stand, but a quite objection for Papyrus made him pause. A moment later, you were tilted into the bed completely. You were laid between Sans and Papyrus, in a slightly boney but full of love sandwich.

You let one last tear make its way down your cheek as you smile into Sans' chest. You felt two pairs of arms tighten around you and for the first time in days, you felt color again.

* * *

 **So I have four unfinished chapters in my folder, and each one is turning out worse than the last. I just don't know what's up with that. I wrote this chapter before I even started** ** _Love Yourself,_** **and I didn't want to post it because I wasn't sure if anyone would understand where I'm coming from.**

 **I go through this myself, and I barely understand it. I wasn't going to post this at all, but between the other chapters being awful and feeling pretty grey myself right now, I figured it might not hurt to upload this.**

 **I don't know why I'm so grey all of a sudden, and I don't know if anyone knows what I mean when I say grey. It's like… my mind is in a fog. Like all my thoughts are wrapped in wool or something. It's only happened three times, and in those three times I couldn't even turn over in bed. I just laid in the bed, staring at the same spot on the wall for eight, ten, fifteen hours in a row. The only break I got was when I managed to fall asleep or I was crying :/**

 **Either way it's super awful and one of the scariest things I've ever experienced next to a full on panic attack, which is the absolute opposite of the spectrum. Absolutely nothing and way too much.**

 **I'm sorry to say I'm not sure when I'll be able to update again. I've tried many times to write something that isn't crap or super cliché, but no matter what I wrote, it was bad.**

 **And I refuse to post something that's crap.**

 **So, until next time~**

 **~Starlight**


	10. Drinking Troubles- Alcohol abuse-suicide

It hurt him. It hurt him so badly, but there was nothing he could do.

You had reset again. It wasn't your fault, he knew that, but it didn't stop him from cursing this power of yours. It had been going so well, your relationship turning out exactly how it was supposed to. Usually it did, but there were those timelines where they didn't pick him, and those were the hardest for him to deal with.

Some of the worst timelines were the ones where you picked Papyrus, or Mettaton, or even Undyne once, over the short skeleton. But he never said anything about it. He never showed how badly it bothered him.

But he was done this time. He rushed to his room before the timeline completely reset and threw a small black box into his box. It was something very special that he needed to keep no matter what. Just as the world began to tilt, he closed the lid and leaned up against his bed, waiting for the end to come again.

* * *

He woke up in his bed, the clock blinking its obnoxious red numbers. He rubbed his face and swing his legs over the edge of the mattress. Which time was it? Which timeline was he thrown into this time? They all swirled together, these memories.

Were you on a rampage? Were you happy? Did you choose him? Did you choose to leave?

He pulled the box out and dug through the various objects and papers the other Sans' decided was important. There was something new this time. Sans took out the small box and flicked it open, only to drop it back in with a shaking hand.

Sans dropped the whole box on the bed and left the room, not bothering to close it. He numbly slipped on his jacket and walked downstairs. Papyrus was whistling his battle tune, and Sans found a bitter smile growing on his face. His brother's battle tune was too cheerful, just like his dear brother. You looked at the clock and saw it was half past ten.

You would be leaving the ruins in about twenty minutes.

A painful twinge wracked his chest and he found himself frozen in his spot.

"Brother! I have a good feeling about today!" Sans could have finished his sentence for him, but he didn't move.

"Y-yeah bro. A good feeling." Sans left the house and headed in the direction of the ruins. He prepared his whoopee cushion before he stopped dead. He couldn't do it again… he couldn't handle this again, but he had to.

Taking a short cut, he made it just in time for the ruin doors to open and for a small human to slip out. They looked thoroughly shaken up, and slightly roughed up, but otherwise fine. They held a stick in one shaking hand, not a knife. Sans let out a sign, glad it wasn't going to be one of _those_ runs this time.

He took a deep breath and followed you, purposely breaking the stick, as usual. He used his powers to freeze you at the bridge, as usual. His lines tasted like dust in his mouth, and the pranks barely brought a smirk to his face. It took everything not to teleport away.

You flinched away from him, and he couldn't keep his mask up. His grin dropped like a rock and you took another step back. He took a shuddery breath.

"M-my brother is up ahead. He's a really softie who just wants some friends, so if he tried to capture you, its cuz he's lonely. Go and make friends." You smile tentatively at him and run across the bridge, leaving Sans alone in the snow.

He let the tears fall. His chest felt like it was blown apart. It had never hurt this badly before. He was always able to tell what kind of run through it would be by the look in your eye. If your eyes were sharp, he would end you right there. If they were wide and watery, it would be a platonic run. If they were sparkling with laughter, it was his favorite one.

And today, your eyes were wide and watery. A sob made its way from his throat and he honestly thought he was going to break. He had a terrifying thought. Using his power, he brought his own soul out and let out a humorless laugh.

The blue heart had faint, hairlines cracks running through it. He let out another bitter chuckle and let his soul disappear. Teleporting straight to his bar stool in Grillby's, not knowing what he was going to do.

He landed heavily on the stool and placed his elbows on the bar, hiding his face in his hands. Not caring if anyone saw him, he let himself cry. He cried silently, so the only indication anything was wrong was the erratic shaking of his shoulders.

Something was placed in front of him, startling him out of his stupor. Grillby had placed a bottle of ketchup and a small thing of fries in front of him, his usual order. Sans gave a weak smile and squirted a little of the red onto the fries. He took one bite before putting the fry back on the plate.

On a whim, he took the lid off the bottle and squirted the ketchup directly into his mouth. Grillby just stared at him, worried, but Sans didn't care. He immediately felt a little better, a little warmer inside. He gestured for his friend to come over.

"Hey Grillby? Do you have anything to make the pain go away?" He gave a small crackling sound and reached under the bar. Sans didn't know what he was given, but he downed it. And another, and another. Until Grillby refused to refill his glass anymore.

But Sans didn't care. His head was so light and floating. What was he so upset about? He giggled and stumbled out of the building. Someone caught his arm, steadying him. It was one of the dog guards, but in his haze he really couldn't tell which one it was.

"Are you okay Sans?" The skeleton's head spun and he giggled again, waving off the dog's concern.

"Imma fine. Donchu worry 'bout meh." He heard himself slurring and giggled again. Sans pulled away from the monster and waddled out the door, only banging into one table on his way out. It took him a few minutes to actually make it to his house, the time spent stumbling through the snow causing him to be late for dinner.

"Brother! Where have you been?" Papyrus' voice cut though Sans' drunken fog, but just barely.

"Over at Grillbyz gettin a drink…" He hiccupped and laughed again.

"Brother, are you drunk?" Sans looked shocked at the accusation.

"Me? Drank? I dun know what you're talkin 'bout bro." He stumbled in, catching himself on the wall.

"You missed my date with the Human! I wanted to introduce you!" His pleasant buzz was gone, but he was still dizzy.

"Date? With th' human? Was that today?" He felt tears drip out of his sockets and down his cheeks. Papyrus started and rushed over to his brother.

"Sans are you alright?"

"W-what did I do wrong bro?" Sans was sobbing, too inhibited to know what not to say. "What did I do to deserve this? I always did the right thing, always helped them out, kept them safe, but in the end I'm always the one who's gettin screwed over. Why is that?"

Part of him knew he was babbling, but Sans couldn't stop it from pouring out. Papyrus just held his brother as he sobbed and hiccupped and babbled on. Sans fell asleep in his brother's arms. With a heavy heart, Papyrus picked him up and carried him to his room.

He covered his brother with a blanket and went to get some painkillers and water. Though it hasn't happened often, it _has_ happened before. Papyrus opened the door quietly and felt his own eyes fill with tears.

Sans was curled up under the covers, quietly keening. Papyrus felt his own heart break at the sound. What pushed his dear brother so far over the edge? Sans let out a sob, then a sniffle, them went silent, his breathing sounding wet.

Papyrus placed the cup and the pills next to the bed and tucked the blanket around Sans a little tighter. Before closing the door, he turned around and looked at the still form of his brother again before sighing and leaving.

* * *

Sans woke up with the worst headache he had ever had in his life. Rolling over, he felt the pain slosh around in his skull. His eyes fell on the cup and the pills and smiled. Papyrus was too good to him. He swallowed the pills and turned back over, waiting for them to kick in.

Now that he was sober again, the pain was back full force. All he wanted to do was make the pain go away. He thought back to one of the timelines, a long time ago. It was one of the very first ones… was is?

No, it was one of the very first humans. The second or third human to fall down. They had a lattice of lines running up both arms. They told him it was because it made them feel better, made them forget about the pain in their minds.

Sans let the lights in his eyes dim, and not for the first time he wished for skin, just so he could forget about his trouble like they did. He breathed heavily and wiped the sleep from his eyes. Today he was supposed to meet up with you, help you through the puzzles, but he didn't want to get out of bed. He was in so much pain.

Sans managed to muster the courage to leave his room around three in the afternoon. Papyrus was already gone, but there was a plate of food on the counter with his name on it. He took a few bites before he felt it coming back up. He rushed to the bathroom and threw up the food as well as some of whatever Grillby gave him last night.

He rinsed his mouth out and shrugged on his jacket. He headed right to Grillby's and sat on the bar stool. The bar was empty, save someone in a corner booth. Sans waved his fiery friend over, who gave him an odd look.

"Hey Grillby. Got any more of that stuff from last night?" Grillby shook his head, too worried about his friend's health. Sans reached into his pocket and threw a handful of golden coins onto the bar. This wasn't going on his tab. Grillby still shook his head. "Either you give it to me, or I'll find something else to make it all stop."

Grillby's flames burnt a little higher in fear for his friend, so he reluctantly poured Sans a glass of the clear liquid. Usually monsters can't get any human alcohol, but recently Grillby found a large crate of glass bottles, all filled with a pungent clear liquid. Sans was the only one who's had any, but he went through a bottle and a half in one night.

Sans smiled and held the glass in his hands like it was a miracle. He took a small sip and shuddered at the taste, but quickly down the rest in one go. His headache dulled a little, and he poured himself another glass. He knocked that back in a single go. He reached to fill his glass a third time, but realized with would be so much easier to drink from the bottle.

He took five straight gulps before the burn got too much. Sans slammed the bottle on the bar and wiped his mouth. His vision was already blurring a little, and _damn_ did it feel good. There was something he had to do but…

Sans downed the rest of the bottle and noticed the flame man had gone through the door into the kitchens. In a moment of half clarity, he thought it was a good idea to lean over the bar and grab a full bottle from underneath. He threw another handful of gold on the bar and left.

He walked, not trusting himself to teleport, all the way to Waterfall. He couldn't remember where he was supposed to be next, but he wanted to hear the music box statue. He vaguely heard concerned voices, but he was too happy to care.

He stumbled and something in his hand clinked. Looking down, he was pleasantly surprised to see a full bottle locked between his fingers. With a giggle, he twisted off the cap and took a hearty swig, letting his eyes roll back as he felt the cold liquid fill his mouth.

He saw his telescope and sat down next to it, enjoying the sweet burn with every sip. A small part of his mind rang in alarm, but he was too far gone to care. Suddenly, he was ten minutes back in time. That means…

Sans re-opened the bottle and took the first sip for a second time, but this time he kept chugging. He knew what the jump meant. You were killed somewhere, by someone. The thought made the cracks on his soul grow. He loved you, but you won't love him. Not this time.

He chugs a little more, not bothering to wipe away the little that spilt down his jaw. Through his drunken haze, the memories attacked him. You holding his hand, you giggling at his jokes, you running your fingers along his ribs, you holding him when he woke up with nightmares. Your smile, your laugh, your touch.

You.

He didn't hear footsteps approaching, he just downed the last of the bottle, but it wasn't enough. He was still in so much pain. Tears, thick and hot, dripped down his face, mixing with the alcohol already soaked into the hem of his jacket. He suddenly wished he was home, but he couldn't remember where he was.

The footsteps got closer, and he finally noticed. He lifted his head in time to see you approach, a horrified look on your face. He faintly realized how awful he must look, but the sight of you pushed him over the edge.

"Oh god… I'm so sorry kid. I'm so sorry I wasn't able to protect ya… ya died b'cause I wasn't there for ya." The tears fell faster and faster. "It's all my fault th't ya got hurt. It's all my fault ya don't remember me… poor, little Sansy, all alone cuz he couldn't stop th' damn timelines." He was laughing and crying, not making any sense.

"Sans…"

"What did I ev'r do to deserve this hell? Why me? Why can't I just be happy for once?" He lifted the bottle to his mouth, but felt a flare of rage when he realized it was empty. He chucked the bottle across the way and watched it shatter against the rocky wall. He chuckled darkly as the violence and remembered you were standing there.

"Oh hey there kid… wanna try my tele… telescope?" He hiccupped and giggled, not noticing the tears falling from your eyes. How had he fallen so far? He was always so strong in your eyes, but looking at this broken shell of a monster shattered your heart.

"Come on Sans… let's go home." You hoisted him to his feet, helping his stay steady when he stumbled. You wrap his arm around your shoulder and half carry him back to Snowdin. You had to stop twice while he doubled over and threw up.

It took what felt like hours to get back to the house. You knocked on the door once and it flew open. It was obvious Papyrus had been waiting for his brother. His worried eyes landed on the giggling form of his brother and the concern changed to dead acceptance.

"T-thank you Human… I can take care of him from here."

"Papyrus, has he always been like this?" The taller skeleton flinched as he picked up his brother.

"No, Human. He used to have everything in order. He used to be so responsible. I wish I knew what caused him to do this to himself…"

"Hey Pap… want me to stay with you tonight?" His face lit up with joy.

"The Great Papyrus would be most grateful if you stayed… I don't want to be alone again." Papyrus brought his brother to his room, just like last night. He unzipped the jacket and put it in the pile of dirty laundry.

He did the same as last night, putting the water and the pills by this bedside. Papyrus' breath stopped when he heard the low mournful cries. His brother was always the strong one, the brave one. And now…

He's the broken one.

* * *

"Papyrus?" You were sitting with him at the table, both nursing a mug of hot tea, courtesy of Undyne. "Sans said something to me that I don't really understand."

"What did he tell you?" He said it in such a way that you realized he must have said something to Papyrus as well.

"He asked what he did to deserve 'this', and that it was his fault… something about timelines, and he asked why he could never be happy." Papyrus' fingers tightened around his mug and he took a deep breath.

"He said something similar to me as well. He asked why he was the one 'always getting screwed over'." He scowled at his brother's choice of wording.

"He's in so much pain…" You sniffled, hating the fact your friend was hurting but refused to talk to anyone.

"I am at a loss of what to do, Human. This is one puzzle that the Great Papyrus cannot solve…" He placed his forehead in one hand and clenched the other into a fist on the tabletop. You reached out and covered his hand with yours. He looked up and smiled at you. "Thank you Human. Your support is priceless to me."

You open your mouth to say something when a thump from upstairs stopped you. The thump was followed by a series of several thumps leading to the bathroom. The thumps were followed by the sound of painful retching. You flinch and feel your eyes burn again. The retching stopped, and slower thumps lead back to the end room. A door closed. Your heard muffled crying.

You and Papyrus exchange a look, and you hatched a plan to save Sans.

* * *

Sans was wrong. _This_ was the worst headache he'd ever had. He tried to remember what happened as the pills kicked in. He went to Grillby's, then to Waterfall… The timeline jumped back and he drank the entire bottle…

Were you there? He couldn't remember. There was glass, he remembered that. Glass shattered on the ground. He threw up a few times. The bitter taste in his mouth reminded him of that. You were there…

You carried him home? He remembered saying something, but he didn't know what.

Finally, the sharp pain dulled into a numb ache. Deciding he should probably get up, he swung his legs around and tried to stand. His legs gave out and he found himself laying on the ground. He saw something under his bed and pulled it out.

It was the box, the one that saved things through the time jumps. At one time he knew the science behind it, but today he'd be lucky to even remember his own name. He lifted the lid and saw a small velvet box. With careful fingers, he opened the lid.

Nestled in the velvet was a small ring. It had a shiny golden band and a small blue gem in the middle. Surrounding the blue gem were smaller white gems. A little note was tucked in the upper part of the lid. With shaking fingers, Sans unfolded the note.

 _I've never been one for being serious, but I never really had a reason to be serious before. Papyrus was always strong enough to be on his own. But you, you made me realize I couldn't live without you. I would make a pun here, but I just can't. All I can say is, Will you marry me?_

Tears blotted the page, and Sans realized they were from him. He wiped the tears away with the back of his hand and folded the note back up. He knew why the other Sans decided to keep this. It was very special. He was going to propose to you… you were going to be his partner. Everything was going to be perfect.

Then everything went wrong.

He slid the bigger box back under the bed, keeping the ring box with him. Shakily, he stood and went to his closet to find a clean jacket. Slipping his arms into it, he found his favorite slippers, put the ring box in his pocket and teleported away. He didn't want anyone to know where he was going.

He landed right in the water, the dirty liquid already up to his ankles. He looked around the piles of trash, looking for a crate or something, something like the thing Grillby described. He remembered when his bartender friend found the crate. It was a while ago, but the bottles were still fresh. No one knew what it really was, so no one bothered opening them.

Sans rummaged through the trash, getting more and more frantic as his search continued. He was just about to give up when he was something. It was six cylindrical cans, tied together with plastic rings. He read the label and saw that it was indeed what he had been looking for.

Grinning without any mirth, he ripped one of the cans out of the rings. Popping the tab, he was surprised to hear a fizz. Taking a tentative sip, he found it was slightly more palatable than the clear stuff from Grillby's. He downed it, crushing the can when it was empty.

Five cans later, he was happily buzzed, but it wasn't enough. He needed more. With sluggish movements, he trudged through the dump in search for more goodies. Another ten minutes and he finally found it.

A medium sized wooden crate with the words "Expired" across the lid. Just like the other one. Without hesitation, he used his powers to rip off the lid and throw it somewhere behind him. It landed on the old bike, the bell ringing pitifully.

Sans twisted off the cap of the first bottle and paused with the bottle at his mouth. He thought of _why_ he was in so much pain. After all, when you reset again it could be better. It was all a game of chance with the resets. When you reset again, all of this would also go away, so it couldn't be a bad thing, could it?

He didn't care anymore. Throwing his head back, Sans let the liquid run straight down his throat. One bottle was all he needed at this point. He threw the empty bottle away, not caring if it shattered under the water. He slid two more bottles in his jacket to take back with him, and stashed the crate behind the broken fridge, so no one else would take what was his.

Sans made his way back to the house, slowly. He ended up walking in the exact opposite way. He found himself in Hotlands. He stood, looking at the lava ebb and flow. The heat rose and hit him in the face. He found himself smiling.

The only thing bouncing around in his drunken haze of a mind was if anything were to happen to him, it would all resent anyway. It wouldn't matter what happened to him. He took a step closer to the edge of the road. Sweat began beading on his forehead.

You weren't going to pick him this time, so why did it matter what happened to him? He grinned sadly and cracked the seal on one of the two bottles he took with him. Sans took a large swig and sighed as the blurry feeling grew. Another sip, and another, and another.

He couldn't think straight, but that was good. If he couldn't think, he couldn't remember, and if he couldn't remember, he couldn't hurt. He finished off the second bottle and threw it into the lava. It melted instantly, giving Sans some hope for a quick end.

He opened the other bottle, not wanting to waste anything. He drank as much as he could before even he realized he had hit his limit. There was still half a bottle yet, so he poured a little over the edge. His crossed eyes found the fire that erupted where the alcohol hit the lava and giggled a little. He poured more, watching the liquid ignite. When the bottle was empty he threw that into the lava as well. Two empty bottles, into the fire.

One empty skeleton, into the fire.

"SANS NO!" You screamed at him, desperately praying you weren't too late. He turned to you, but he was too far gone. The alcohol messed with his head too much to listen to reason.

"Sansy yes…" His words were so slurred you could barely understand them. "It doesn't matter an'way. You'll jus' reset an'way an it'll all go back t' normal. It doesn' matter what happens ta me…" He swayed in place, letting tears drip down his face.

"Sans please… please come with me." He flinched, but you didn't know why.

"Hehehe…. Why couldn't ya like me this run? I dun know why is alwa's changes on me like th's. It's not f-fair." He shoved a shaking hand into his pocket and pulled out a little black box. Despite being beyond drunk, he managed to toss it to you. "I dun know how much ya know 'bout th' timelines, but it doesn't matter… it'll all be back t' normal soon an'way…"

With shaking fingers, you opened the box. With a strangled cry, you almost dropped the box. You looked at Sans and felt your knees give out. He was about to step over the edge and was too far away for you to save him. You needed to say something to save him.

"SANS!" He turned to look at you, his face dead. "I… I DO!" His face went from dead to confused. His stumbled and as he tipped over, he realized what you said.

"I love you…" And he fell…

It all happened in slow motion, from him losing his balance, to his decent and that final moment when he hit the lava and turned to dust, his jacket burning instantly.

"N-no…" You were crying, but you couldn't feel anything. "No…No…NO! NO! SANS PLEASE NO! SANS OH GOD NO…NO PLEASE…please…" Hands were on your arms, your face. Voices filtered through the roaring in your ears.

"-an.. Human please!" Papyrus was shaking your shoulder frantically. He forced your hands from your face. Your nails were red from the scratches you made on your cheeks. He was gone…

Gone…

Gone.

You ripped yourself from Papyrus' grip and ran to the edge. He was right. It would all be back to normal soon.

You didn't have a very strong grasp on your powers, but you knew if you died, you'd come back at the last sparkle you were at. The last sparkle was right before you found Sans. Right before he…

Looking at the lava, you knew how to save him.

"HUMAN NO!" You ignore him and jump over the edge. A beast like howl followed you over the edge and diminished as you fell farther and farther away.

The pain was like nothing you had ever felt before, and then it was gone.

* * *

You woke up at the save. You had exactly fifteen minutes until Sans falls into the lava. You ran as fast as you could, your tears blurring your vision.

There he was, swaying slightly and pouring something into the death trap below. Without thinking you ran at him, tackling him away from the edge. He smells awful, like a shady bar. He hadn't realized what was happening until you were kneeling over him, touching his face, his arms, his chest. You needed to make sure he was okay.

Your tears dripped into his cheeks and he looked up at you numbly. Finally, it clicked and he looked confused.

"K-kid? What're you doin here?" You just sob harder and pound your fists on his chest. He flinched slightly in pain, but you knew the alcohol dimmed it.

"Sans you IDIOT!" You cried harder. "I almost l-lost you…" His eyes widened a fraction.

"Did you…"

"Of course I did you idiot! I had to save you…"

"How did you reset?" It wasn't clicking in his head.

"I… threw myself in after you. I knew it would take me back to right before it all happened. I couldn't let anything happen to you… If I had known the reason you were doing this…" He lifted a hand and wiped your tears away. You leaned in and placed a kiss to his teeth. It was frantic, and salty, and desperate, but it was what you needed this whole time.

His eyes widened completely, the adrenaline causing him to sober up. He tried to sit up but you refused to move. You dug in his pocket and pulled out the little box. He made a strangled noise as you opened it. You noticed a note this time. Reading it quickly, you felt tears well up in your eyes again. You took the ring and slipped it onto your right hand. A promise for something more.

"B-but…" His voice was shaking.

"Why Sans? Why didn't you come to me and Papyrus? Why do that to yourself?"

"It wasn't supposed to happen this way. Not this time."

"Sans what do you mean?"

"The resets kid. Whenever you reset completely, you forget. But I don't. And it's never the same, always different, always changing. I couldn't take it anymore… You would just reset again. It didn't matter what I did because it would all be set back to the beginning again anyway!"

You lean over and wrap your arms around his neck just as Papyrus ran into the area.

"Human! Brother! Are you alright?" He ran over to you and Sans, almost crying himself.

"Yeah Pap…" Sans' voice was weak. "It's… alright. Everything is alright… everything is a-alright." He broke down into tears again. Both you and Papyrus held him close, letting him sob into their chests. You just held him. This was all you needed.

"Sans… don't cry anymore. I'm here for you now. I should have been here from the beginning… I'm so sorry Sans."

But it didn't matter what you said, because he loved you, and now that you were his everything was going to be alright.

* * *

 **So this isn't so much of hurt/comfort chapter like all the others, but it definitely shows the hurt Sans went though. As many of you know, I had a really shitty night, which is where this abomination came from.**

 **Thank you everyone who messaged me and reviewed with your support. I didn't expect any kind of response from that, it was just supposed to be a heads up about the update rate, but you guys flooded my inbox with love.**

 **You honestly saved me last night. Thank you all so much. I'm hoping to get another chapter done within the week because I have a few days off from classes, but it depends on how the chapters turn out.**

 **If anyone has any subjects they want me to write about, don't be afraid to tell me. This story is as much for you as it is for me, so if there's something I can write about that could help, I would be more than willing to write it. Helping others is my main goal in life.**

 **Also fun fact, this is the longest chapter. It has about 5k words. It's 11 full pages. I really, really like this one. But I'm also an awful person who needs my favorite characters to be angsty and in pain. There wasn't enough of poor Sansy drinking his problems away so I had to fix that.**

 **Until next time**

 **` ~Starlight**


	11. Dissapointment- bullying

"Oh look. It's the monster slut." You were used to their comments, but a small part of you still recoiled from their hate.

When you broke the barrier, everything seemed to be perfect. The monsters were free, and the two cultures could finally mix. You went back to public school, now with the monster children added to the classes, even though there weren't many of them. Unfortunately, the kids your age weren't the most accepting of the monsters, probably because their parents were prejudice against your friends and family.

There was one group that was particularly harsh. There were four of them, three boys and one of their girlfriends, but she tended to stay out of it. It started with petty name calling, but escalated to pushing in the hallways and threatening notes in your backpack when you weren't looking.

Today was no different. Jeremy, the ring leader of the little clan, was in a bad mood without a doubt. You ignored his usual comments, the insults no longer creative. His mood seemed to worsen when he realized he wasn't getting to you.

"Don't ignore me you furry fucker." He thought he was oh so clever didn't he?

"Leave me alone Jeremy. I'm not in the mood." He roughly grabbed your arm and slammed you against the lockers.

"Sorry, I don't speak freak." You deadpan, refusing to give him the satisfaction.

"How creative Jeremey." His grip tightened and you tried not to flinch.

"Sorry, what was that? For a second I thought you, a dirty monster fucker, was talking back to me." You resist the urge to spit in his face.

"Leave. Me. Alone." The hand that wasn't gripping your arm swung around and clipped your jaw, causing your vision to double for a second. Your resolve broke and you spit directly into his eye. You had a split second of satisfaction before he hit you again.

You fell to the ground and he kicked you once for good measure before storming away, muttering under his breath darkly. You breathed deeply before standing, biting back a yelp. Thankfully you could drive, so you could take your sweet old time getting home.

You were living with Toriel in a little cottage-like house on the outskirts of the city, maybe a ten minute drive from the school. Most of the monsters either stayed in the Underground and came out when they chose, or settled down within sight of the mountain. Maybe two or three actually went off somewhere else.

Sans and Papyrus decided to move into the house a street down, so they were within walking distance. Either they were over your place or you were over theirs, so it really didn't matter than the four of you lived in separate houses. Once, you joked about buying a huge house and having everyone move into it, but had to shoot down your own idea when they started looking up mansions for sale in the area.

You struggle to your car, dreading what was going to happen when you made it home. The bruising on your ribs would be easy enough to hide, but you could already feel your bottom lip swelling. Toriel would pitch a fit. You pulled your hoodie on and flipped up the hood, hiding your chin – and therefore your swollen lip – within the fabric.

The walk to the front door was agonizing. You just wanted some Advil and a hot bath and a nap. The second Toriel heard the door open, she was at the end of the hall, waiting for you, and by the furrow in her brow, it wasn't good.

"I received a call from your teacher again. You failed your last test. Again. I understand math isn't your best subject, but you promised you would try harder this time. I'm very disappointed in you." You wanted to scream at her, because you _did_ study. You _did_ try harder, but you just weren't any good at math. You wanted to make some sarcastic comment, or just ignore her, but you knew her too well. There was no way you could do that.

"I'm sorry mom. I did try though…" She pursed her lips and crossed her arms.

"Not hard enough apparently." You clenched your fists and felt your lower lip throb under the fabric of your hoodie.

"I'll try harder next time." What else could you do to satisfy her?

"You most certainly will, because you're grounded until you get a good test grade." She seemed hesitant to punish you, but you saw red. Taking a deep breath before you do something you regret, you manage to lessen your rage.

"Yes mom." She seemed taken aback by your obedience, but was pleased she didn't have to pull the bad cop act into this. You went to your room, letting a little of your anger out by slamming the door slightly behind you.

You threw your backpack into the floor and laid face down on your bed. Taking a deep breath, you screamed into your pillow for as long and as loud as you could. When the scream faded, you were a little lightheaded, but it was okay.

You were okay.

* * *

"Come one. It's not that hard!" Undyne was helping you get into shape for summer, but it really wasn't going well at all. Her idea of an "easy" work out made you want to throw up after ten minutes. After running a mile in under five minutes, you actually did throw up.

The only reason you made it in under five minutes is because Undyne literally chased after you with her spears. She actually nicked your leg when you were going too slowly for her taste. You could feel the blood dripping lazily down your leg and the sweat dripping down every inch of your body.

"Undyne I'm dying."

"Stop being dramatic! If you want to get into shape you need to actually do something every now and again." She wasn't intentionally being rude, but her comments speared you more than her actual spear.

"I do things! I'm just not some kind of freaky fast monster." You didn't mean to be rude, but your side was still cramping so badly you were curled into a ball on the ground.

"If that's the way you feel, maybe you should do it all on your own!" Now you did it. You went and upset Undyne. You heard her stomp away, but your lungs were still so sore and your eyes were a little blurry from exertion.

You wanted to call after her, apologize and beg for forgiveness, but all you could do way lie there and cry. It took five more minutes until your breathing was level enough to get up. You wiped your eyes and set your stony expression back in place.

Over the past year or so, you've gotten better as seeming disinterested and uncaring about everything, and this was no different.

After your grounding, it only took four days until you were ready for your math retake. It was four days of nonstop practicing, but it was worth it to see the joy in Toriel's face. Your lip didn't stay swollen so that was no problem. She pulled you into a hug, but your face was as deadpanned as when you were having the shit beat out of you.

* * *

You sat at your desk, staring at the pile of books in front of you. Your teachers decided to pack on the work before break, so you were swamped. Two essays, a play to read and analyze, math problems, book work and definitions to write.

To top it all off, Toriel was going away for the weekend for a teacher's convention, leaving you with a list of chores to finish. The amount of stress was seriously starting to get to you, so you slipped on your shoes and dialed your favorite monster's number.

"Hey there Kiddo, what's the dealio?" You rolled your eyes at him and started walking.

"I have too much work to do, so I'm ditching my responsibilities and am about three minutes from your house."

"Again?" You could hear the disappointment in his voice, but you couldn't care less. This was probably the fourth time you've done this. You made it to his house and knocked on the door. He opened it before the second knock with a slight frown.

"Hey there Sans."

"Seriously kid. You can't keep ditching your responsibilities like this." You scowl at him.

"You're one to talk."

"I know my place in this world. You're place is way above me, but if you keep slacking off you'll never get there."

"You know, I didn't come here for a lecture." Sans shrugged, not looking sorry.

"Well maybe you need one." You felt your anger bubble up, but you shoved it back down. You put on your neutral face and turned around.

"Whatever. I should have known this was a bad idea. You're just like everyone else Sans." You heard him huff but didn't turn around.

* * *

"I'm very disappointed in you. This was your last chance to pass my class but you blew it off again." Your teacher had pulled you aside after class. He had given you a project to do in order to bring your grade up, but the thought of doing it made you beyond anxious, and you just didn't do it. Now it was too late to pass.

"I'm really sorry sir."

"Obviously not sorry enough. I'm going to have to call home to your mother and explain to her why you're going to have to retake my class again next year."

You felt your stomach drop, but there was nothing you could do. You brought this upon yourself…

You left the classroom in tears. You had enough, but life decided you could take a little more before you broke for real. Just as you were about to reach your car, a hand grabbed your shoulder. They spun you around and you realized it was that asshole Jeremy.

"What do you want?" Your voice broke, and his eyes widened.

"Wait are you crying?" You hastily wiped your face but it was too late.

"No. Leave me alone." He furrowed his eyebrows. Was he actually… concerned?"

"Are you going to like… off yourself or something?" Your chest dropped painfully and you wanted to cry more.

"T-that's a sick joke, even for you." He took a step back and held his hands up.

"I don't mean to be rude." You raise one eyebrow and he notices. "Oh whatever. I was just going to hassle you for your notes, but it seems like you're failing too."

"I'm leaving." He didn't try to stop you, but you felt as though he had something else to say. You slammed the car door as you got in and peeled away, not caring if you leave skid marks on the pavement. You didn't go home. You couldn't face Toriel.

You drove to your favorite beach, one hidden behind a row of trees. A few fishermen knew of it, but they kept to themselves most of the time. You took your jacket off and placed it on the sand, watching the sun reflect off the water. You finally let yourself cry, after everything that's happened in the past few weeks, you finally let yourself cry.

It started off slow, a few tears trailing down your face. Thankfully the beach was empty today, because you would have been very embarrassed if anyone saw you. You began to sob, the heaviness in your chest growing.

You're sobs turned into strangles screams as you tore at your hair. You had never cried this hard before, but it felt good. Your chest was hurting from your hyperventilating and your head hurt from all the crying.

Eventually you were all cried out. It must have been at least an hour later, and you were completely drained. You sat and watched the water some more, your eyes following the fish as they breached the water. Your mind began drifting to what a mess you left back home.

Not only did you disappoint Toriel by failing your class, you never came home. She's probably worried sick about you, and that just made your chest hurt even more. You couldn't face her after everything you did, and every second you waste on the beach made the whole situation a thousand times worse. A stick cracked behind you but you didn't move.

"How long have you been standing there?"

"Maybe twenty minutes." At least Sans was being partially honest with how long he had been watching you.

"Why?"

"Tori's freaking out cuz you never came home. She figured you'd avoid her after the phone call she got, but after an hour she got really worried. Now why would you go and do something like that to her? All she ever did was care about you."

That was the last straw. Despite being drained from crying, you still managed to throw yourself at him, your fist swinging around to clock his jaw. At the last second he teleported an inch to the left. You screamed in frustration and swung again, just for him to dodge again.

"Go." Swing. "Away." Swing. "Sans." Swing. He caught your wrist and you flinched violently. He was startled by your reaction and pulled your sleeve up to show the healing lines on your arm. You rip your wrist from his grasp, not caring if it reopened some of the cuts.

"I never asked you to come and find me! I never asked for you to act like some kind of dad! You were supposed to be there for me and be my friend but instead you chose Toriel's side! I needed you Sans, but you didn't care about that! You just cared about how _Mom_ saw you!"

"Kid that's not true!"  
"Like hell it's not true! I couldn't trust you with anything because I knew you'd go right to Toriel and tattle on me! I can't tell you anything!"  
` "Did something happen?"

"EVERYTHING HAPPENED! I've been bullied for months, but did you notice? _NO!"_ You charged at him, wanting to land at least one hit. "I've been failing my classes because the work makes me so anxious I actually _throw up_ just thinking about it!"

"Why didn't you-"

"Why didn't I come to you? Because YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ME! YOU ONLY CARE ABOUT TORIEL! YOU DECIDED ALL OF A SUDDEN TO BE AN ADULT AND STOPPED CARING ABOUT ME!" How were you crying again? You were supposed to all cried out.

You swung t him again, your fist flying haphazardly. He caught your arm again and pulled you into his chest. You frantically tried to escape, wriggling and punching and biting. Anything to get away. His arms tightened around you and you fell limp. You let him hold you as you cried into his jacket, soaking the fabric.

"Kid… I never stopped caring about you. The reason I became an adult is because I cared about you. I had to make sure you were going to grow up alright. I didn't want you to become a failure like me. You have so much potential…" You froze in his arms. "If you had told me you were being bullied…"

He pulled you out from his chest enough to see his face. His eye was glowing bright blue and he had a feral smile across his face.

"If you had told me I would have ripped that sick son of a bitch to pieces." The light faded from his eye and he looked sad again. "Why did you run away?"

"I didn't want to disappoint Toriel anymore."

"Disappoint her anymore?" You clenched your eyes tight.

"That's all I've done. Disappoint her." He nuzzled your hair and mumbled into your head.

"No… no, no, no. She's not disappointed in you. She wants you to be the best you can be. She loved you kid. Just like I do. Just like we all do."

"Sans…"

"Sure we seem tough sometimes, but that's because we care about you and we _know_ you're going to do great things. We have complete confidence in you, but you can't be failing class or running away. We do love you. We love you and that's why we push you…"

"She's going to hate me for running away and lying." You sobbed again, the thought of Toriel hating you stabbing you right in the heart.

"She could never, _ever_ hate you. Now…" His eye glowed blue again. "Tell me about this fucker that was bullying my kid."

* * *

 **This chapter had almost three pages deleted because I just... didn't like the way the plot was going. It started out that Flowey would take over the other monsters to be mean and hateful towards you to make you feel like crap, but the writing was crap so I ditched that.**

 **I've gotten over half a dozen requests for a verbal abuse chapter, and I've tried three different chapters, including this one. Obviously this turned out different from verbal abuse, but the other ones just didn't come together right. If anyone has any ideas for specific plots I could use, please tell me because I really want to write it, but I want to make sure I write it right.**

 **Also! I'm writing another Undertale story! It's an Underfell AU and I really, really like how smooth it's coming out. Everything is fitting together so nicely! Everyone who reviews on this story always leaves me suggestions on how to improve and what they liked best, but most of the reviews I've gotten were just "Good chapter." Or "Nice job." I don't want to sound inconsiderate, but I want to improve as much as possible, and I don't know how to improve without your reviews. SO if anyone would like to read it, it's called** ** _Purify the Timelines._**

 **Until next time!**

 **~Starlight**


	12. Painless- self harm

You run the blade over your thigh. You want to cut deep, but at the last second you let up the pressure. Darn your body's want to protect you. You made another cut and make a noise under your breath. You couldn't feel anything. You could see the cuts, you could see the blood, but there was no pain. No relief.

You had been clean for so long. Months even, but the stress had gotten to you. It's been a few years since you made it back to the surface, and you were pursing higher education. Your classes were piling work on you, and your anxiety made you push it off. You had so much work, just thinking about it caused your breathing to become shallow.

You had also just found out you couldn't afford to visit your friend. She had gone to a school several hours from you, and you were planning on taking the train up. Unfortunately, the train was three times the amount you could spend.

You make another slice, hoping the adrenaline would make the pain in your chest recede. Unfortunately, there was no adrenaline, so there was no relief. You hissed with frustration and mopped up the blood with some toilet paper.

You taped up the cuts, putting extra pressure on it to make it hurt. There was still no pain. Pulling up your sweatpants, you flushed the red down the toilet and looked at yourself in the mirror. You should look different, you think. You should look sad or broken or something, but you look exactly the same.

You leave the bathroom and head to the table, where your books were waiting for you to come back and finish all the work you had been putting off. A single tear works its way from your eye but you brush it away before it reaches your chin. You steel yourself and get back to work.

* * *

You had worked for five hours straight, and your head was pounding. Tossing back three painkillers, you decided a hot shower would be very helpful. You tossed your pencil onto the table and headed to the bathroom. Stripping down, you made sure to be extra careful around your thigh. Peeling the bandage off, you cringe as the dried blood ripped at the cuts.

Finally, you felt something, but it wasn't want you wanted. You made the water steamy and careful stepped in, hissing as the scalding water instantly turned your skin red. You cupped some of the water in your hands and let it gently wash over the cuts, washing away the blood beading up again. The stinging caused your eyes to tear up.

Turning the water off, you carefully dried yourself to avoid getting bloodstains on the towel. The last thing you needed was to have to explain why the red dotted the fabric. You taped the cuts back up, smearing some healing cream on them to avoid infection. You may hurt yourself, but you take care of the cuts after. Infections were something you didn't want to deal with again.

Pulling your pants back on again, the waistline catches on the bandaging, jostling the cuts and causing a dull ache to shoot up your thigh. The weight of your actions made your chest hurt, but you didn't want to bother anyone with this.

* * *

Sans opened the door to see you sitting at the dinner table, books and papers stacked everywhere. Your eyebrows were furrowed in concentration and he knew he would be able to sneak up on you, no problem. He inched forward, preparing to scare you, when you suddenly sat up straight and scrubbed your face with your hands.

You made a sound, as if you were trying not to cry, and Sans felt bad for thinking about tricking you. He let his bones crack a little, letting you know he was there without actually making it seems like he was doing it on purpose.

You flinch and place the pencil on the table. Turning in your chair, you gave him a smile.

"Oh hey there Sans. Ditched work early again?" Sans smiled and ruffled your hair.

"Yeah you know me…" He peered over your shoulder at the paper on the table, covered in scribbles and crossed off math problems. There were a few crumpled paper balls on the table as well, and Sans sighed. "Looks like you've been working for a while, huh kid?"

"Yeah, but I still have a lot to do." You picked up your pencil again and began writing down the same problem again, hoping that writing it for the fifth time you would be able to understand it better. A boney hand plucked the pencil from your hand. You turned to look at him as his other hand took the paper. He scanned the paper and grinned again.

"Looks like your head's all burned out Kiddo. Why not take a break?"

"I just took a break a little while ago. I took a shower and everything."

"Kid, your hair is bone dry. You must have taken this break of yours a long while ago." You just shrug and try to take the paper from him. You had twelve more problem to do before you moved onto your English paper.

"I'll take a break in a bit Sans."

"Ah, ah, ah." He slipped his hands under your armpits and picked you up as if you weighed nothing. "It's skele-kiddo bonding time."

"Saaaaaaans…" You had work to do.

"Kiiiiiiiiiiiiid…" He mocked you, causing you to pout as he carried you to the couch. He tossed you over the back of the couch. You bounced twice as he rounded the arm and sat next to you. He flicked a finger and the tv turned on with a click. A moive started playing but you were too focused on the work you still had to finish.

To get your attention, Sans swung his legs into yours, his heel clipping the cuts on your thigh. You stifled a gasp but he had turned his head again and was watching the movie.

You wanted to talk to him, but you didn't know how to bring it up. How would you bring up something like this? Especially in such a casual setting. The movie credits rolled and you still hadn't said anything about what you did earlier.

Sans was snoring gently next to you. You carefully nudged his feet from your leg. You were trying not to wake him up, but his even breathing snorted and he lazily looked around.

"Oh hey kid. Didn't mean to fall asleep on you… Hey you look like you're about to blow a fuse." You were trying to string together a sentence to tell him, but the words still evaded you. You didn't realize your struggle showed on your face.

"Sans… I um..." You felt what little courage you had disappear. "Never mind… just ignore it."

He looked at you with concerned eyes but didn't push it. He knew to respect your boundaries. He reached a hand out to stop you from going back into the kitchen but let it drop silently.

* * *

You finally finished the essay. The clock chimed three in the morning and your eyes were burning. You needed to go to sleep hours ago, but you know you never would have been able to sleep with all this stress hanging over your head.

You packed up the books and piled them a little more neatly so you could start again later. Flicking off the lights in the kitchen, you had the urge to go to Sans. Usually you only went to him when you had nightmares, but you needed comfort more than sleep now.

Your cuts were throbbing more and more, but since there was none of the adrenaline, they just hurt. It didn't feel good anymore. You crept up the stairs and tested the doorknob. Since coming to the surface, Sans kept his door unlocked, just for you.

Slowly opening the door, you saw a small bundle in the middle of the bed in the faint moonlight streaming through the window. The blankets moved up and down rhythmically with his faux breathing. You snuffled towards him and knelt on the mattress, cringing a little as the springs wheezed. Sans stirred as you wormed your way next to him. A sleep heavy hand wrapped about your waist.

"Hey there kid… what time is it?"

"Three in the morning." He yawned loudly.

"Did you have another nightmare?" You shook your head.

"No. Just needed some help falling asleep."

"Is something bothering you kid?" You opened your mouth but hesitated.

"Sans… can I tell you something? And have you promise not to tell anyone else, no matter what?" Sans was more awake now, the serious tone in your voice startling him.

"Yeah kid. You can trust me with anything." You take a deep breath and clench his t-shirt fabric in your hands.

"I did something dumb today." His hand rubbed comforting circled on your shoulder.

"What happened?"

"I was so stressed… and I felt so overwhelmed. It usually helped, but I didn't feel anything so I kept going and going and going but I didn't feel anything…" You let the tears fall, just talking about it made the weight in your chest let up some.

"Did what?" You opened your mouth again to say _I cut myself_ but the words caught painfully in your throat.

"It'll be easier to show you actually…" Sans sat up, letting his magic light up the room faintly. You sat up and crawled off the bed. Standing in the middle of the room, you fidgeted with the waist line of your pants. He gave you a scared look, afraid of what you were going to show him.

Steeling your nerves, you dropped your pants. If it were any other situation, you would have laughed at the look on his face, but not tonight. His eyes immediately went to the bandage on your thigh, his jaw dropping a little.

"H-hey kid… what's that on your leg there?" Carefully, you peeled the bandage off, cursing a little as the dried blood stuck to the pad. It had stopped bleeding but still looked painfully swollen and raised.

You took a step closer to him as he swung his legs over the edge of the bed. He reached out with a shaking hand and let a finger ghost over the lines. There were so many of them, two condensed rows of raised lines.

"Kid… you did this?" His voice cracked at the end, glowing blue tears threatening to fall.

"Y-yeah." He took a deep breath and let his thumb trace the skin around the cuts, the cold of his bones feeling good against the fevered pain.

"Because you were stressed?"

"It helps me clear my head sometimes."

"How long have you been doing this?"

"Years? I really can't remember any more. This is the first time in a few months though." He summoned a ball of blue magic in the palm of his hand. Placing it flush against the cuts and you sucked in a breath. The magic was warm, and it caused the throbbing to calm.

He pulled his hand away. The cuts weren't healed completely, but the swelling was gone and it wasn't painful to the touch any more.

"How did you...?"

"Tori's been teaching me some basic healing magic. Thanks for being my guinea pig, Kid."

"T-thanks Sans." You sniffled and pulled your pants back on. You gave him a tight hug, sitting in his lap.

"Why didn't you come to me earlier?"

"I was scared…" He pushed you away gently to look you in the eyes.

"Scared? Of what, me?" You shrug.

"Of how you would react. I thought you would be mad at me…" He pulled you back into his chest and held you tight.

"I could never be mad at you…" He muttered into your hair. His warmth seeped through your clothes, making you feel comfortable and safe. "What did you mean you didn't feel anything?"

"I kept cutting, but I didn't feel any pain. It was scary, because there was _no pain._ "

"That's odd… I'm not a psychologist, but I do know a bit about anatomy. I learned a lot when I worked with Alphys… But that's very odd."

"I dunno…" His arms tightened around you again.

"You have to come to me if you feel like doing this again."

"I can try." He pulled you onto the bed and covered you with the blanket.

"You have to, Kid… I can't let you keep doing this to yourself." You yawned and buried your face in the pillow. You could hear him sigh and adjust himself to be under the blanket as well. "We'll talk about this more tomorrow. You need to sleep now."

He nuzzled your head and you smile. The weight on your chest was almost gone, and you felt so relieved. You wished you could have talked to him sooner, to have him know sooner, but at least I happened in the end.

You dreaded what was to happen in the morning, but for now you let yourself relax. He cared about you, and he wasn't mad….

* * *

 **So this isn't the best, but I really needed to write something. I've been told "you" seem unrealistic in some of the chapters, but it's pretty much me and how I react to things. The beginning of this chapter is literally what happened to me yesterday.**

 **Thank you for everyone's support and feedback. I've gotten a few new suggestions, and I do hope to write them. Updating might be a little slower that before. I know many of you tell me "Take your time" but I still feel bad when I go long periods of times without updating.**

 **If anyone has any suggestions or comments or complaints, shoot me a message! I love hearing your opinions and thoughts.**

 **Until next time!**

 **~Starlight**


	13. Sick Day- comfort

You heard a sniffle coming from the other room. You put aside the dish you were washing and turned off the tap. Grabbing a towel, you dried your hands as you walked into the living room. Sans was sitting on the couch, the television on but no one was paying it any attention.

"You good Sans?" He sniffled again and gave a thumbs up over the edge of the couch. You frown and go to stand in front of him. His face had a light blue tint and was a little sweaty. "Sans you look like crap. Are you okay?"

"Yeah kid I'm just tired…" He waved off your concern but you refused to let it go.

"Um sorry but that sounds fake…" You moved to feel his forehead, but before your hand made contact, the clock in the hall chimed three. Sans teleported to the door, stumbling a little as his slippered feet hit carpeting. He grabbed his jacket from the coat rack and called over his shoulder.

"That'll be the start of my next shift! I'll catch ya later kid." And he quickly closed the door behind him. You frown and go back into the kitchen to finish the dishes.

* * *

"Hey Papyrus?" The lanky skeleton was spread out on the couch, watching his favorite cooking show. He came home shortly after Sans left, and the later had yet to return home.

"What is the matter Human? You sound worried about something?" You give a little chuckle and sit in the open corner of the couch.

"Do skeletons get sick?" He gave you a puzzled look.

"Yes, not as often as other monsters." You hum and think about your other roommate.

"Can skeletons get like… a cold?" Papyrus shrugs his shoulders.

"In theory yes, but I have always been very careful about my health and have not fallen ill in many, many years." Just as you were about to say something, the door clicked open. Instead of his usual greeting, Sans just waved a hand and went straight to his room.

You gave Papyrus a look, and he got the message. Although he was innocent, he wasn't blind. Sans must have had duty in Snowdin because he somehow looked even sicker than before. You and Papyrus both went up to his door and knocked.

"Hey Sans? You feelin alright?" You hear a muffled groan and sniffle before the door creaked open an inch. He peeked from the crack and gave a weak smile. His blue flush had grown and the lights in his eyes looked dim.

"Y-yeah. Just tired. Had a long shift today…" He closed the door and you hear shuffling behind it. You sigh, knowing he would never come right out and say he's sick. Papyrus stood behind you, a worried look on his face.

"I do not think I can ever remember my Brother falling ill. He was always taking care of me when I was a baby bones…"

"Well, we'll just have to make sure he gets better." You give the tall skeleton a reassuring pat on the back before heading back downstairs.

* * *

You ran downstairs. You had forgot to set an alarm last night and ended up being late. You had planned on making Sans some soup or better yet, making Sans stay home, but by the time you got to the bottom of the staircase, it was obvious he was already gone.

Sighing, you slump down on the couch. You were really starting to get worried about your friend. Although being sick usually messes up your appetite, you figured maybe something from Grillby's would perk Sans up enough to sit down and let you fuss over him.

Bundling up, you made the short trip to your favorite eating establishment. Opening the door, you were greeted by several of the regular patrons. You moved to talk to the dog playing poker and offered to play a game with him. Over the past few months you managed to improve his card skills quite a bit. Now he was even a challenge for you.

While you were shuffling the deck, there was a squeak over at the bar. Glancing over, you saw Sans in his usual stool. You hadn't heard the door open, but you assumed he took a short cut again. If possible, he looked even worse than before. His whole body slumped onto the bar as he coughed pitifully.

Grillby came over and placed a glass of water in front of him, surprising because he was made of fire. He must really be worried about the skeleton. He leaned over said something to Sans, his crackling fire speak too quiet to hear from your table. Sans lifted his head and waved off the bartender's concern.

"Don worry 'bout me. I'll be better soon. Besides, who's gonna take care of Pap and the Kid if I'm out of commission?" Grillby crackled something else at Sans, who just chuckled and took a sip of the glass in front of him.

Papyrus' words came back to you. _I do not think I can remember my Brother falling Ill. He was always taking care of me when I was a baby bones…_ It made sense to you now, and it made your stomach hurt a little with the guilt.

He was going to work, pushing himself even though he was sick, because he thought he had to take care of you. You were suddenly filled with determination to make sure your friend got better soon. You stayed with the dog, playing a few absent minded rounds of poker before watching Sans teleport out of the building.

You rushed home and prepared for his return.

* * *

Sans stumbled in a few hours later, his face flushed with an obvious fever and his nose running. As soon as he opened the door, you tackled him. Gently, of course.

"H-hey kid? Whacha doing?" You pulled him over to the couch, making him sit down. You could see the fatigue in his eyes, and weren't surprised when he didn't protest. You pulled over the blanket you prepared and wrapped it around his shoulders.

"What's all this about?" You shoosh him as you rest the back of your hand on his forehead. Quickly pulling your hand away, you gave him an incredulous look. He was burning up, quite literally. The back of your hand was bright red from the sudden burn.

"Stay here." You weren't playing games, especially with your friend's health. You sent a quick text to Papyrus, who was getting Toriel to make some soup, and scurried around in the kitchen. You remember your own mother caring for you when you were sick. You grabbed a bowl and filled it halfway with water, throwing a handful of ice into it. You also grabbed a clean wash cloth and headed back out to Sans.

You could hear his wheezing breath from across the room. A particularly violent sneeze caused him to almost fall off the couch. You wrapped the blanket around him more snuggly and dipped the cloth in the ice water.

Wringing out the extra water, you folded the cloth in half and placed it on his head. The effect was immediate. His eyes closed and he let out a blissful sigh. The cloth became hot within seconds, so you dipped it back into the water and repeated your actions.

By the time Papyrus came back, the water had become as warm as bath water, but thankfully Sans' fever seemed to have gone down a little. Sans tried to give a weak wave when his brother entered, but ended up coughing and almost doubling over.

"Let's get sick bones some soup, huh?" You smiled at Sans and went into the kitchen with his brother. Pouring the hot water out and replacing it with fresh ice water, you turned to see Papyrus preparing a bog bowl of some kind of broth soup. "Do you think he'll be able to eat all that?"

Papyrus looked down and realized just how big the bowl was. With a chastised look, he poured some of it into a smaller bowl and the rest back into the thermos Toriel sent it over in. You made your way back to Sans, who was pitifully staring at the wall with unfocused eyes.

The touch of the cold washcloth brought his attention back to you. He smiled at you, a little stronger than the poor excuse of a grin he gave you earlier. You and Papyrus took turns, when you went to cool off the cloth he would spoon some soup into Sans' mouth.

After the second bowl of water was thoroughly heated and the bowl of soup was gone, you let Sans lean back on the couch. Just as he was about to drift off to sleep, the clock on the wall chimed. Sans jerked upright and tried to untangle himself from the blanket, only to trip and fall back into the couch.

"I gotta get to work…"

"I don't think so bub. You're staying right here until your fever is broken, and maybe even after that." Sans looked to his brother for support, but Papyrus just shook his head.

"The human is correct, Brother. You look dreadful, and there's no doubt you feel even worse. I, the Great Papyrus, would not be able to sleep at night knowing I let my dearest brother out in such a condition."

"Guys seriously… I'm fine." His statement was accented by a coughing fit that brought tears to his eyes. You gently pushed him back into the couch and tucked him in. You felt his forehead and was relieved to feel that it was mostly cooled off.

"No way. What kind of friend would I be if I didn't take care of you?"

"B-but…"

"Besides, would you let me walk out of this house with a cold?" He looked away, his silence all the answer you needed. "Would you let Papyrus leave the house if he were sick?" You heard an indignant huff come from the kitchen, where he was putting the bowl in the sink. Sans looked away again and pouted.

"Of course not…"

"Then why shouldn't we do the same for you?" He buried himself deeper into the blanket and shivered.

"I'm the oldest. I hafta take care of you…" Papyrus came back out with a cup of tea for Sans, catching that last sentence.

"Brother, that's what you said when we were both Baby Bones. We're both grown monsters now. You don't have to keep putting us before you." Sans took the mug and held it under his nose, letting the steam clear his head a little.

"Sorry guys…" His voice was drowsy.

"Finish your tea and take a nap. You're under house arrest until you're better again." You hugged him, careful not to spill the tea. He just chuckled and took a small sip.

"Thanks guys…" You smiled at him, and Papyrus placed a pillow behind his brother's back.

"Just get soon, okay?"

"As if I would want to stay sick." He grinned again, with a little more energy this time, and took another sip of his tea.

* * *

 **Not as long as the others, but still fairly long. My wifi cut out so I couldn't do my math homework and decided to write this adorable suggestion by a lovely reader!  
Someone reviewed saying I follow the same structure in all the chapters: The reader has an issue, Sans comforts them, everything is good. Although I did start this story as a hurt/comfort thing, I am intrigued about how I could write something different.**

 **If you have any ideas that would stray from the usual structure, let me know!**

 **Until next time!**

 **~Starlight**


	14. Fake ID- alcohol abuse

You grin as you let your finger trace the corners of the little plastic card. You thought it would be so much harder to get it, but a week after your 18th birthday you found the right guy. For $100 and the promise of a favor, you were able to walk out with your prize.

A shiny fake ID felt like a ticket to freedom in your hand. You try to make your face look neutral before going into the liquor store. This particular establishment was known for not caring about the age of its customers, but you wanted to wait until you had your ID just in case.

A bell rang overhead as you opened the door. The air conditioning hit you like a brick, but you could still feel sweat forming in the palm of your hands. You had always had someone else to do this part for you, and you were a little bit nervous.

You made your way to the back and found a bottle of upper shelf vodka. You check the price and cringe a little. You glance one shelf lower and find a familiar label. You grab one of the smaller bottles and head to the front of the store.

The guy behind the counter reminded you of Burgerpants. He literally looked like he would rather be run over by a truck than be working here. You gave him a sympathetic smile and placed the bottle on the counter. He looked at you for a second before scanning the bottle and reading the price in a monotone voice.

You hand over exact change, and place a five in the tip jar next to the register. He looked back up at you, surprised. You just smile again and tuck your wallet away. You sit in the driver's seat of your car and let out the breath you didn't know you were holding. You clutch the paper bag to your chest and giggle happily.

It was going to be a fun night. And hopefully you wouldn't remember it.

* * *

You giggled and downed another shot. Sans had gotten the shot glass for you as a gag. A little ghost was painted on the glass, with a word bubble that said "I'm only here for the boos." The two of you had laughed about it, and at the time you never thought you would actually use it.

 _Sans…_

You grimace and take another shot. The first few had been painful but soon it all tasted like water to you. You always promised Toriel you would never do anything bad from a young age. She would sit you down and make you promise to avoid drugs and alcohol and violence, and being the kid of you were, you willingly promised.

Back then, it made obvious sense. Why would you want to do something dumb like drink or smoke when you could hang out with your monster pals?

You sigh and take another shot. You wished you could go back to when you were a kid. Things were so much easier back then. You could go talk to Sans when you were upset back then, but now you know better.

He didn't trust you. You never noticed as a kid, because he was your friend. Right? You saved everyone, right? But then the flashbacks started happening. They started as quick daydreams, but quickly followed you into the night.

After that, you saw the way his eyes followed you. You noticed how he made excused to prevent you spending any alone time with Papyrus. It was never extremely obvious, at least not at first. You could even say that maybe he started trusting you more as you grew older, but you knew that was as much of a lie as him saying you were his best friend.

You didn't deserve friends.

You started doing this a few months back, when you passed out and had your most realistic flashback ever. You were in your bedroom, going through your closet. The room spun and your vision went black. You tried blocking out what you remembered, but you couldn't forget the feeling in your chest when your knife slash through skin and bones.

When you came too, there was dried blood on your face from where you slammed your head on the edge of your dresser and the sickly feeling of dust still covering your hands.

Clenching your eyes shut tight, you shake your head, trying to get those thoughts out of your head. They have been haunting you ever since. It was so realistic…

You wake up almost every morning holding your breath, hoping against the odds that Toriel was still alive and well. You only let yourself take a breath of relief after hearing shuffling and humming coming from downstairs.

A sob rips though you, causing you to drop the empty shot glass into the carpeting of your bedroom. You hear footsteps coming up the steps and stop in front of your door.

"Are you alright, my child?" You hiccup and scoop up the glass.

"Y-yes mom! Just tripped over my own feet a little." You hoped your voice wasn't slurring too much. You hear her pause and sigh.

"If you are sure…"

"Don't worry mom." You smile as you hear her sigh again and walk away. You try to pour another shot but your hand was shaking so badly you ended up spilling half of what was let in the bottle all over the desk. It dripped off the desk and soaked into the carpeting.

You let a few tears drip down your face, mostly because you wasted some of your drink, partly because you were a disgusting human being that deserves to be murdered in your sleep. You chug the last of it and tossed the empty bottle in your open closet. You slipped on your boots and grabbed your jacket.

Reaching for the door knob, your drunken mind was so muddled you saw three of the little golden orbs. You swiped at them until your fingers grasped something solid. You burp and scowl at the taste in the back of your mouth.

You stop at the top of the stairs, listening. Not hearing anything, you try to walk quietly down the stairs. In reality you were probably making a racket, but no one came out to stop you. You made it to the front door and had to fight to find the real door knob again.

The warm summer evening wrapped around you. You missed this when you were in the Underground. It was either frozen, wet, or boiling. The breeze blew a lock of hair out from behind your ear, but you just brushed it out of your face and headed towards your second favorite place to be, the first being in the abandoned Underground. It was calming to be in a familiar setting without anyone there to disrupt your thinking, if that's what you could call it.

You saw the familiar sign ahead of you. The fire monster brought the original sign from his bar up to the Aboveground for when he started his business back up again. Grillby was nothing without his bar it seems.

You opened the door and heard a chorus of greetings. It was fairly empty tonight – or rather – this morning. It was almost onr in the morning according to the clock above the pool table. You walked up to the bar in a mostly straight line but when you tried to hoist yourself onto the bar stool your foot slipped and you just barely caught yourself on the bar.

Grillby crackled disapprovingly at you, but you couldn't bring yourself to care very much. You finally managed to sit yourself on the stool and look dazedly around the building. It had the same basic set up, but was much larger. There were booths along both walls, half a dozen tables in the center of the room. There was a Juke box to the left of the bar and a pool table in front of it. It had become very popular with monsters and humans alike in the past months.

"Heeeeey Grillbz." You slurred at the fire monster with a silly smile. "Got any of that-" you hiccup. "That fruity stuff?"

He stared at you in that way he normally does, but even in your haze you could tell if he had facial features he would be raising one eyebrow in a ' _you must be joking'_ kind of way. You sigh and realize he won't give you anymore. He leaned across the bar so he was at the same level as you.

You found the first time you got black out drunk that the best person to talk to about your problems is someone who can't talk. You rest your head on your arms and sigh, trying to think about what you're going to worry about today.

He was so used to the schedule by now that he knew what was coming next. You always did this when you came into the bar stumbling and giggling. It broke his heart to see you so torn apart, especially since he saw you grow up, but there was nothing he could really do other than listen.

"I miss Sansy…" A fiery eyebrow rose slightly, telling you to continue. "I m-miss being around Sans, but not… not _this_ Sans."

Grillby held one slender finger up to tell you to pause before pouring a glass of ice water. He knew your feeling towards room temperature water, and knew if you didn't get any water in you, waking up would be hell. You smile at him and take a sip. It made the taste in your mouth go away a little bit, which was nice. Your mouth tasted like shit.

"I miss the Sans that would h-hold me when I had nightmares… a-and make me laugh when I'm d-depressed. But that Sans never really existed, did he?" Tears began rolling down your face. Grillby handed you a napkin silently. You accepted it with a trembling smile and wiped your face. He waved his hand in a ' _please continue'_ kind of gesture.

"Sans never really liked me… for years I thought he was my f-friend but now I know he just stuck around to keep an eye on me. All those n-nights… he just wanted to make sure I wouldn't do a-anything…" You began sobbing harder, the thoughts a thousand times more potent in your current state of mind.

Grillby tilted his head to the side, to show he was confused. Little pictures formed in the flames dancing around his head. A child shape, a skull and a question mark. You chuckle darkly and shake your head.

"Nah… if he had the choice, I'd be _burning in hell_." You spit the words out and Grillby flinched at the tone in your voice. He glanced up and flinched again. He quickly picked up a glass and a cloth, habitually cleaning it.

"Kid…" Spinning around, you came face to skull with the exact monster you didn't want to see. Sans had his hands shoved in his pockets and his eyes were pitch black. You felt fear spiking through the alcohol haze.

* * *

Sans didn't know what to expect from the day, but he woke up with a weird feeling in his chest. He made his normal morning cup of coffee, but the feeling stayed. He went through his normal routine, but something seemed off. Around midnight he received a call from his favorite goat monster.

Toriel was frantic. Apparently you did it again. He sighed and started walking over to your house. Since breaking the barrier and coming above ground, Sans found out it's harder to access his magic on the surface world, and decided it's better to be physically tired then soul-tired.

This wasn't the first time you've done this. The past month or so have been hell for everyone. You coming home drunk, drinking in your room with the door locked. Toriel tries not to interfere, but it scares the crap out of her. To be honest, it scares the crap out of Sans too.

He was about halfway to the house when he got a second phone call. Toriel as even more frantic. Apparently you stumbled out the door into the night. Again. Last time she tried to confront you herself, you locked the bedroom door for three days. Toriel since realized you were more receptive to the grinning skeleton than a mother figure.

Sans took the news with a heavy heart and used his magic to teleport to where he almost definitely knew you would be. He was willing to deal with the drain of his power later. He teleported right in the middle of the bar, noticing immediately that you were seated over by Grillby. He could hear the slurring in your voice and smell the vodka from where he was standing.

He took a silent step closer to hear what you were saying and felt his soul contract painfully.

"I miss Sansy…" You sounded too broken, so done with life, so… close to how he sounded when he had given up himself. And that scared him most of all. Neither you nor Grillby noticed him standing there, so he took the opportunity to finally figure out what's been bothering you lately. You used to come to him all the time with nightmares and problems, but lately you've been flat out avoiding him, and he needed to know why.

Sans felt his eye sockets widen and the little lights shrink as he listened to your drunken blabbering. He felt his skull whiten as he realized what was really happening.

You were remembering. Not only that, but you believed it was our fault… and believed he hated you…

Back when the barrier was broken, yes. He was a little skeptical of you. He hadn't forgotten what had happened before, with another version of you, but he learned quickly that there was nothing to be worried about. He was only trying to look after you, but it seems he was the one to drive you away in the end.

"…I'd be _burning in hell."_ Sans felt the world stop. The lights in his eyes extinguished and he had to take a deep breath before saying anything.

"Kid…" You spun around to face him, and the horror in your face would definitely be making an appearance in Sans' next nightmare. Grillby was nonchalantly cleaning his glass as if he weren't interested in what was happening, but Sans knew better. He knew the bartender better than anyone in Snowdin. The whole Underground even.

"S-sans!" You almost fall out of your bar stool as you try to make yourself less disheveled looking. He was looking right though you, and you felt a shiver go down your spine. No one said anything, no one wanting to be the first to talk. Finally Sans caved.

"I-" he ran a hand over his skull. "Is that really what you think of me Kid?" You refused to respond. You were afraid to respond.

"Why are you here?" You were sobering up much sooner than you wanted to, but with the blood pumping through your body so fast, you weren't surprised.

"I was worried about you." Sans still hadn't brought the lights back in his eyes. He was lying to you, the alcohol whispered.

"No, really. Why are you here?" Your voice was cold, but the faint slur made it all the more pathetic.

"Because you're scaring the living fuck outta Tori and me."

"…"

"Kid, you can't really think that stuff about me, can you?"

"How much did you hear Sans?" Your voice was trembling with unshed tears. Sans grimaced a little, remembering how seven year old you would call him "Uncle Sansy". Those times were long past it seemed.

"Just about all of it I think." Sans' voice was as cold as the ice melting in your cup. You let a few tears escape and turn back to the bar. Grillby handed you another napkin and you blew your nose. You didn't turn back around.

"Then you know what I think… I need to be alone now I think." You take another sip of your water and thank Grillby. He never charged you for these sessions. You stood and turned, wobbling slightly as you brushed past Sans. He tried to grab your sleeve, but you managed to stumble out of the way at the last second.

* * *

You managed to make it all the way back to the Underground, despite being drunk. You walked the silent path to the place you felt the most comfortable in silence. You went through Asgore's castle, down the elevator, down to the River Person. They were one of the few that remained. They said they liked their river just where it was, thank you.

You took the well-worn path through Waterfall, pausing to listen to the music coming from the statue. It never failed to fill you with a sense of awe, even when you were at your worst. You continued walking, ignoring the growing pain in the back of your head and the dryness of the back of your throat. You made it back to Snowdin.

Snowdin was one of your favorite places for many reasons. All sounds were muffled by the snow for one. Two, it was the only area where every single monster left. It was a ghost town now, and that made your chest hurt a little.

You stopped in at the inn, and the shop, and Grillby's to reminisce before heading to your number one destination nine out of ten times. The other one time you just sit with the music statue and listen to it for hours before leaving.

You open the door to the Skeleton's old home. It was almost exactly the same as when the two monsters moved to the surface, except now it was cold and the air smelt stale. You closed the door behind you and walked over to the couch. Curling up under the blanket – the blanket you would always use whenever you slept over their house – you stared at the blank TV. They had cut power down in this area because no one ever came through anymore.

You felt yourself drifting off as the blanket began to warm you. The initial drunkenness was wearing off, leaving you very sleepy. Closing your eyes, you were able to pretend you were back years in the past where everything was still okay.

* * *

You woke up to the sound of breathing. You took a deep breath, inhaling the familiar scents of home. You smiled, wondering what Papyrus was going to cook this morning. You tried to turn, but the pounding in your head reminded you of what really happened.

Instead of seeing soft lighting and Sans sleeping on the couch with you after a movie, you saw the dust particles dancing in the light coming in from the window and the coldness of the abandoned house.

You hear a snort next to you. Startled, you get ready to scream when you notice who was there. Sans was sitting on his usual half of the couch, his legs up on the table and his hands crossed over his stomach. His mouth hung open a smidge as he snored gently in his sleep.

Immediately on edge, you jump up. Well you try you try to jump up. You really end up falling over and almost slamming your head on the table. The only thing that stopped you from adding a concision to your hangover was a layer of glowing blue magic surrounding you.

Sans hadn't moved, but the lights in his eyes had become lazy pinpricks, his left eye slightly bluer than the other. He lifts your wordlessly and sits you back on the couch. You move over so you're as far away from his as possible. What the hell _happened_ last night?"

You remember getting drunk in your room, and you vaguely remembered going to Grillby's… then something happened and you came here? You shook your head and tried to think harder, just causing your headache to worsen.

"What's up Kiddo?" His voice was low and gravely from sleep. You stare at your hands and don't respond. He tried to reach out to you but stopped when he saw you flinch away.

"Nothing." You mumbled.

"Obviously not nothing if I found you passed out in the abandoned Underground."

"Why did you follow me?" Now your special place was gone. You could never come here alone again because he'll know where you are.

"Because Kid… you said and did some very worrying things last night, and I had to make sure you were okay."

"…'m fine."

"Kid, something is way wrong, and I'd prefer if you told me yourself." Sans watched as you tense up and place a stone mask over your face.

"And if I don't tell you?"

"I'll just ask my good old friend Grillbz for the details. There are definite perks to being one of the only monsters who can understand him." He smirked, but let the smile fade when he saw your face. You finally decided to look at him, your eyes wide and wet, your skin paler then what should probably be healthy, and utter betrayal written on every inch of your face. Sans put his hands up in a surrendering motion and patted the couch next to him. "Fine, fine. I won't ask him… as long as you tell me."

"I don't wanna…" You may be three seconds from violently vomiting, but you were stubborn.

"Is it because you don't trust me anymore? What happened to those nights you would come to me when you had a bad dream? Or when the kids would pick on you in school and we would go get nice cream and complain about things together?"

"They were never real." You looked away again. Sans knew this was coming, but was hoping you would try to be a little less cryptic for once.

"I thought they were pretty real." He said quietly. You barely heard him, but it made you turn to look at him curiously.

"How could you think that? You and I both know what was happening those nights."

"Do we? I think you might have to explain it to me then, because I really don't know what you're talking about."

"You never cared about _me!_ It was always the fate of your friends! And… I can understand that. But it still hurts, you know? I thought we were best friends, but really you were just keeping me away from your brother, your friends. I thought you always watched me because you wanted to keep me safe. I realized that no, you watched me because you needed to make sure I didn't snap and destroy everything we've worked for! I can't believe I was dumb enough to think that you were my friend for all those years…" You were crying, unable to stop the tears. You were still on the far end of the couch, but when you finished speaking his magic yanked you to him.

Though you struggled, his arm wrapped around you. If you weren't hungover and an emotional wreck, you would have felt him trembling slightly.

"Oh Kid… oh no Kid that couldn't be farther from the truth." You look at him in confusion but quickly look away. You didn't want to see the tears gathering in his eyes. You didn't want to believe the lies he would tell you this time. "Alright, maybe at the beginning… it was so new. The outside, the sun, the air. It was all so amazing and new and dangerously delicate.

"I could remember _that_ timeline distinctly at that point, and I didn't want to have to do to it all over again. So yes, I did watch you at the very beginning… but months, even weeks after, I realized there was nothing to worry about. Everyone was free and everyone was safe. You showed no signs of reverting back. I relaxed, and became your best friend for real.

"It was a real honor, you know, to be called your best friend and your Uncle Sansy. And I wish I had your powers, so I could go back and be able to stop this downward spiral you got yourself in… but those powers are what caused this I'm guessing." You nod silently, absorbing what Sans told you.

"I started having flashbacks. They got more and more realistic until I woke up honestly thinking everyone was dead. I don't know what happened after that. I couldn't breathe, my vision turned grey, I couldn't stop crying, my heartbeat was all over the place. I honestly thought I was going to die… and then it just stopped. That's when I heard Toriel downstairs and I knew it was just another flashback." You clench your hands into fists as you remember that day. Sans took his arm from around you in order to run small, comforting circle on your back.

"Sounds like you had a panic attack Kiddo. I wish I could have been there for you… I know how scary those can be, especially when you go through them alone." He let you cry into his shoulder, smiling softly at you.

It wasn't how he wanted things to happen, but you were starting to trust him a little more, and that made his soul pulse with joy. When you were all cried out, Sans let you sit up on your own and wrapped the blanket around your shoulders.

"So tell me. Why Snowdin?"

"It… it reminds me of home. I never really had a family before I fell. My dad would yell at me for everything, and my mom would leave claw marks on my cheek when she slapped me with her expensive nails on. I ran away and fell into the Underground. Everyone took me in immediately. It was such a simpler time back then… Back when everyone was together and close and…" You felt tears stinging your eyes again. "But now everyone went off in their own ways. I haven't seen Undyne or Alphys in months. Mettaton missed my last three birthdays because of concerts. Everyone lives so far away from each other, it's like you purposely wanted to get away from me."

You hadn't meant to say that last part, but he caught it anyway and took your hand in his. It had surprised you as a child to feel the warmth coming from his bones, but now it just brought a painful wave of nostalgia crashing down on you.

"We would never… that's not what happened at all. Undyne and Alphys are doing important medial science for the human world, and Mettaton always comes to visit as soon as his tour is over. No one is purposely trying to avoid you Kiddo. Everyone loves you to the moon and back. That's why everyone is so worried about you. Drinking, isolating yourself, skipping school – yes Toriel knows about you ditching class all the time."

"Sans…"

"Listen to me Kid. Never think we don't care about you. Never think the only reason I stay around is to watch you. The reason I stay around is because my best friend is in trouble and I'm the only one who can rescue them."

"Sans…!"

"No, I'm not done. Those flashbacks, those weren't you. Those were of some demon that possessed your body a billion timelines ago. What they did has zero meaning to who you are as a person today. You can't blame yourself for what happened, because look around. It never really happened did it? Everyone is safe and happy and living on the surface."

" _Sans!"_

"Almost finished Kid, I promise. As for what you said to Grillby, I was always there for you, and always will be there for you. Me watching you has nothing to do with keeping Papyrus or anyone safe, because I know you love them as much as I do. I watch you because you've grown into such an amazing person. How could not be proud of everything you've accomplished since breaking that damned barrier?"

You try to listen to his speech, but the bile has been rising higher and higher in the back of your throat. You tried getting his attention, but he was too focused. Abandoning the idea of getting his attention, you just stood and ran to the kitchen, leaning over the trash can and letting your stomach empty its contents.

"Oh… so that's what you were trying to say." Sans sounded sheepish behind you, but since your head was in a trashcan, you couldn't see him. A hand held your hair to the side for you and another rubbed your back comfortingly. Once your stomach was empty, Sans went to see if the faucet still worked. Apparently the water supply was not electric.

He handed you a cup of water, and you slowly sipped it as to not upset your stomach anymore. You sat on your edge of the couch, and he sat on his, but in a much more relaxed manner. Closer to how it was back when you lived here.

He tried clicking the television on but sighed when the screen stayed blank. You finished the last sip of water and placed the cup on the table. You wiggled yourself until you were right next to him. He looked at you, slightly surprised for a second before pulling you into a hug. You rested your head on his chest and let his fake breathing lull you to sleep.

You last thought before drifting off was something along the lines of _'this is how it should be.'_

* * *

 **Nice long chapter to make up for avoiding writing other chapters! I literally have four chapters started with maybe three sentences for each. It's not that I'm abandoning this story or anything, it's just that nothing feels right yet. I can also tell this chapter doesn't have the same feel as the others, but I want to try to get some variety if possible.  
**

 **We finally reached over 100 reviews, and I have to say WOW. I never expected this much feedback for any story I ever wrote, never mind a few individual chapters mashed together haphazardly.**

 **Also, I have a 'last chapter' in mind for when I decide to officially close this story. It'll be short, and it'll be sad, but it'll connect parts of all the chapters. I may never actually write it, but I have an idea for it.**

 **If anyone has requested something and I haven't written it yet, do not fret! I have a whole list of them in my phone and I've been writing the ones I have inspiration for at the time. I am hoping to get through all of them before the story is done, but there are just so many good ideas I don't know how long it'll take me!**

 **If anyone has any question, concerns, ideas, etc. please feel free to send me a PM or a review! I like to think I'm fairly good at responding to questions and comments!**

 **Until next time!**

 **~Starlight**


	15. Nightmares- PTSD

_Sans was running, from or towards, he wasn't sure. All he knew was he had to run. He came across a clearing and fell to his knees. There, right in front of him, was his brother. Sans felt tears falling down his skull. That's what he had been running towards._

 _He took another step forward, reaching out for his brother. Papyrus must have heard Sans approaching, for he turned around ever so slowly._

 _Sans stopped dead. His brother's face was streaked with tears. The tinted tears stained the scarf around his neck. He was holding something in his arms. Sans recognized the form. It was the Kid… but you weren't moving._

 _"Pap…"_

 _"Brother, it seems my friendship was not enough for the Human…"_

 _"Papyrus what happened?" Sans moved forward, but he never got any closer to his brother and the motionless human._

 _"She… she will not wake up…" A sob shook the taller skeleton's frame. Sans felt his chest constrict. He tried running faster, but it was almost like Papyrus was actually moving farther and farther away._

 _"Bro she'll be fine…"_

 _"This is all my fault… I was not a good enough friend for the human. I am the reasons he will not wake up." Papyrus was no longer holding the human, but a glowing bone._

 _"Papyrus please…" Sans felt tears pouring down his face. Not him too._

 _"This is all my fault." With a strangled cry, Papyrus shoved the bone through his chest and collapsed, turning to dust before his knees even hit the snow._

 _"PAPYRUS NO!"_

* * *

Sans woke up screaming. His breathing was so ragged his vision started going black around the edges. Tears were dripping down his face and into his open mouth, choking him slightly. He shot up from his bed, getting tangled in the sheets and falling on his face.

Curling up on his side, he ignored the pounding in his chest and the image of Papyrus branded in his skull. The carpeting scratched his exposed bones and he sobbed painfully.

His nightmares had been getting worse and worse. You decided to take a break your adventure, turning around right before getting to the throne room and coming back to Snowdin. You tried staying at the inn, but when Papyrus heard you had spent every piece of gold you had on a room, he insisted you stay with them.

Sans contemplated which nightmare he would rather have, this one or the one where he walks in to find the world turned to ash. There were a few others, but those were the two main ones that haunted him.

As his sobs slowed, he tried to recall the last time he was able to sleep through the night. It was way before the human came to stay with them. Maybe a few months since he got a solid night's sleep. His brother always got on his case, but Sans couldn't help it.

He was falling asleep more and more during the day, but not for long. Each nap ended with tears and a cry. Sans purposely made sure to sleep away from his brother and the human. He didn't want to worry either of them.

Sans was finally able to peel himself from his bedroom floor and toss his blanket back into the bed. He slipped on his hoodie and slippers, taking one last shuddering breath before opening his door and heading downstairs.

Papyrus had left already, always the early bird. Sans used to try to keep up with his brother, back when they were still little skeletons, but quickly gave up. Sans glanced over and saw the blanket on the couch was neatly folded. The Kid must have gone with Papyrus today.

You had been staying with the Skeleton Brothers for about two weeks now. You didn't show any signs of leaving anytime soon, and everyone in Snowdin was more than okay with that. Sans, on the other hand, kind of wanted to just get this whole resetting thing over with.

Running a boney hand over his fatigued face, Sans walking into the kitchen. It was meticulous, as usual. The human seemed to have a knack for cleaning, and put your talents to good use around the house. You even cleaned up the sock Sans had left in the living room.

Opening up the fridge, Sans saw a small container with his name on it. Leftovers from last night's dinner, which he wasn't in the mood to eat. There were various ingredients and containers from previous meals, along with some pitchers of drinks.

He reached into the fridge and went to grab the pitcher or iced tea, but something caught his eye. Last time the human went shopping, you restocked the ketchup supply. Sans had found out ages ago though drunken confusion that the red liquid worked just as well as any human alcohol to keep the dreams at bay.

Sans had been sitting at Grillby's, as usual. The bartender was about thirty seconds from cutting the skeleton off when he realized Sans had grabbed the ketchup from his fries instead of the bottle of human beer. Sans didn't seem to notice the difference at first, seeing how as long as it made him drunk he didn't care what it was.

Since then, Sans liked to drink the ketchup during the day, partially for the comedy factor, partially because it was cheaper than actual booze, and partially because Papyrus wouldn't think he was drinking during the day even if he was.

He snagged a bottle of the red gold and popped the lid off with practiced ease. Taking a large sip, Sans retreated to the living room. He had about an hour before he was supposed to be by his telescope, so he decided to try forget about his dream in the safety of his own home.

Clicking on the television, Sans passed by three different Mettaton shows before coming across some human channel. Sometimes the human channels can be picked up down in the Underground, and the skeleton would have rather watched some human trash than monster trash.

His bottle of ketchup was empty too soon, and the clocked chimed noon. Sans peeled himself off of the couch and threw the bottle in the trash, not bothering to clean up the splatter of red that specked the floor when it hit the rim of the can.

Sans contemplated changing into sneakers, but decided it was too much work and teleported right to his telescope.

Waterfall was one of Sans' favorite places to be. The sound of the music box statue floated through the caves, lulling him into a comfortable relaxed state. Almost nothing got him to relax after a nightmare.

Sans settled down next to the telescope, leaning up against the cave wall with his legs spread out in front of him. He let the lights in his eyes fade as he listened to the dripping water and echoing tune. Without meaning to, Sans felt his consciousness slipping away.

 _The human approached again, your knife clenched tightly in your hand. All of your wounds had closed after resetting for the umpteenth time, and Sans prepared to fight again. He could see from the look in your eye that you wasn't the real human._

 _It was something else, using the body to kill everyone. Sans summoned his magic and let the Gaster Blasters form behind him. He shot a beam of magic at the human, and you dodged it easily. You fell to one knee and tried to stand again, but the second beam nicked your shoulder._

 _You stumbled back, clutching your arm in pain, the knife discarded a few feet away. A third beam shot at you, but you dodged again. You stayed down, calling to Sans._

 _"Please… please spare me… I don't want to fight anymore." Your eyes were back to normal, and Sans felt a stab of pity go through him._

 _"Oh Kid…" Sans reached a hand out to help you up. With a rapid movement, Sans used his magic to stop the knife about to slam into his chest. You had grabbed it back when you dodged the last time, and tried to betray him. "You think you can trick me?"_

 _Sans let his magic surround the human, ignoring your cries of pain and fear._

 _"You sick little bitch. You killed my brother, you killed all my friends, you tried to kill me… you even killed the real human." Your eyes widened with shock. "Oh you thought you could trick me? Nah, I'm too smart for that. I know you aren't the same human that fell down here. You took over somehow and used her to kill everyone."_

 _"Sans please… let me explain!"_

 _"Explain this, freak." Sans dunked you hard, your soft body cracking the decorated tiling of the hall._

 _"S-sans!"_

 _"Be quiet you awful creature!"_

"Sans!" the skeleton woke up with a jolt. He sucked in a breath and tried to steady his rapid soul beat. He was on the edge of hyperventilating. Tears streaked down his face, and by the wetness in the collar of his jacket, Sans would say he had been crying for some time before he woke up. Looking around dazedly, Sans saw who called his name.

You were standing there, eyebrows furrowed in concern and a hand placed on a reddening cheek. With a sinking feeling, Sans realized he must have lashed out in his sleep and struck your face. He gave a trembling chuckle and stood, his knees giving out a little. He grabbed the wall for support, straightening his legs fully

"Hehe sorry Kid. Didn't mean to fall asleep on you. Wanna try my telescope-"

"Sans why didn't you tell me you were having nightmares?" You were hurt that he didn't trust you with his nightmares, but understood why he did it. Sans rubbed a boney hand over his face, scrubbing away the tear streaks and the sleep from his eye sockets.

"Eh, it's nothing too bad. Don't get your panties in a twist over it, kay kid?"

"Sans, this is no time for underwear related humor."

"Every time is a good time for underwear humor." Sans gave a tight chuckle.

"I'm serious!"

"Hey Serious. I'm Sans." Sans gave a more genuine chuckle as he saw the frustration in your face grow.

"SANS!" You yell at him, your patience all gone. "You _hit_ me just now! You haven't been sleeping, you haven't been eating. Something is obviously wrong here, and you keep pushing everyone away!"

Sans was shocked to say the least. You had never blown up at anyone before, not even when you and Alphys got into a fight over which character in Kissy Kissy Mew Mew was the most well-developed.

"Wow kid… didn't know you had it in you to yell..."

"Seriously Sans…" Sans could tell by the look in your eyes that you were past jokes. He signed and slumped to the ground again, not caring if the rocks jutting from the walls dug into his ribcage.

"Well, you got me." You sat next to him, watching his reactions as he spoke. "They've been getting worse, Kid. They started out not super bad. Just a few scares here and there. But they started getting worse a few months ago. By now it's almost every night. The only time I can sleep through the night is if I'm drunk."

"What are your nightmares about?" You voice was soft and supportive, and the tone reached Sans down to is core.

"Sometimes its memories of our battle," Sans didn't miss how you flinched. "But lately I've been having one that's even worse than that… I walk into a clearing and I see Papyrus holding something. When I see what he's holding, I realize it's you, but you're not moving and Papyrus is crying. I try to get closer but I can't get any closer.

"P-pap starts saying stuff like how his friendship wasn't enough to keep you with us, and how you won't wake up and how it's his fault you won't wake up because he was a bad friend. He brings his special attack out and when I try to run at him I seem to get farther and farther away. And then you're gone but Papyrus still has the attack out and he stabs h-himself and he turns to d-dust but there's n-nothing I can do to stop it!" Sans was sobbing by the end, and you didn't know what to do with what he just told you.

Sans knew you sometimes thought about killing yourself. The two of you had a heart to heart a few weeks ago, when you first started staying with the skeletons.

 _"Sans… sometimes I don't want to be around anymore." You were sitting on the roof of the house, watching the snow fall from the dark sky. You long gave up trying to figure out Underground weather. Sans was leaning on the roof next to you. The two of you were sharing a large blanket._

 _"What do you mean Kid?" He looks over at you, eye lights bright in the darkness._

 _"I mean, sometimes it all seems like too much for me… like this whole thing is too big for someone like me. Like I was thrown into this huge puzzle but I was never meant to be the one to solve it. Sometimes I just want to… give up. Just give up and not wake up anymore."_

 _"I know what you mean…" Sans sighed and looked across the town. You felt a twinge in your chest when you realized what he meant by that._

 _"What do you mean?" A breeze blew across the town, causing you to shiver and snuggle closer to Sans, who was warmer than any blanket. He chuckled hollowly and pulled the blanket tighter around your shoulders._

 _"These timeline resets have been happening long before you fell. The other humans would reset, but their powers were not as strong as yours. They could go back a SAVE or two, but that was it. It was so disorienting to be sent back ten minutes in time every minute._

 _"Bad things would happen all the time, and no matter how many times it was reset, I was never able to save them… Asgore always got to them in the end… By the fifth child, I had just given up. I couldn't be bothered trying to save them. After I heard that the fifth human had been killed, I went to Hotlands and stood on the edge of the walk way._

 _"I was so tired… so tired of everything. I had given up. I almost threw myself into the lava right then and there, but I knew it would be reset as soon as the next human fell down. I decided it would have destroyed me mentally to finally die only to be brought back, and I stepped away from the edge."_

 _You had tears running down your face. You never would have guessed Sans, Sans who always smiled and told jokes and was there to make you feel better, almost killed himself. You felt a heaviness in your chest as you buried your face in his jacket under the blanket._

 _"I'm so sorry you went through that…" You didn't know what to say, but part of you was thankful that you had someone that understood what you were going through._

 _"I'm so sorry you're going through this now."_

 _"Thanks you Sans."_

 _"Anytime Kiddo."_

"Sans, I'm not going anywhere and neither is Papyrus."

"Yeah… I know Kiddo. It's just… the fear never really goes away, you know?" Sans scratched the back of his head awkwardly. He never wanted you to find out. He figured that if he hid it long enough, you would just move on with your adventure.

"Yeah, I know what you mean… Sometimes I still have those thoughts, but I've met so many people down here. I couldn't bear to leave them. Yeah, thoughts like that almost never go away, and nightmares never really go away, but being able to talk about them is the best way to handle them and be able to move on."

"When did you grow up?" Sans' voice was soft.

"When you were pushing everyone away."

"I didn't realize it was that obvious…" Sans chuckled sadly.

"Wasn't obvious that my best friend decided not to be my best friend anymore?"

"Well when you put it that way." Sans smiled again, more genuine this time. You smiled too, happy that you were finally getting your best friend back.

* * *

 _Sans was standing on the roof of the house. Snow was falling softly, but he wasn't alone. You were there too, standing on the edge of the roof, looking over to the ground. Sans felt a twinge in his chest but he couldn't speak. He tried calling after you, but nothing came out._

 _"I can't believe I was such an idiot! Of course no one would care…" You wobble on the edge of the roof. Your voice was trembling. Sans tried calling out again, but he had no voice._

 _"Idiot… idiot… idiot…" You were screaming across the town. Sans tried to reach out to you, but he was frozen in place. He watched in horror as you tipped over the edge, falling down off the roof. He was finally unfrozen, but when he ran to the side, there was no body on the ground._

 _"Sans…" He spun around and came face to face with you, but you were different. Your eyes were completely black and your sin was white as the snow surrounding you. "Why did you let me fall Sans?"_

 _"I-I didn't!"_

 _"You left me… you forgot about me." You took a step towards him._

 _"I would never leave you Kid…"_

 _"You did though. You left me alone for weeks…"_

 _"I'm so sorry Kiddo. I'll be here for you now." Sans was getting desperate.  
"It's too late Sans. I'm already __**dead."**_

Sans woke up with a start. Sweat was covering his pillow, either sweat or tears. Maybe a combination of the two. He gasped for breath, sobbing as the remnants of the dream caused his skull to pound.

"Sans!" You had heard his cries and ran to his room. The door was locked, as usual, but you learned quite a few things during your time on the Aboveground. Opening the door, you rushed over to his side.

He was sitting up in the bed, his sheets tangled up in his legs and tears glowing in the dark room. His breathing was the only sound in the room.

"K-kiddo?" His voice was trembling. You rushed to his side and wrapped him in a hug.

"I'm here Sans. I'm here for you." He wrapped his arms around you tightly, sobbing into your shoulder.

"Oh god you're okay… You're o-okay."

"Sans you have to talk to me okay? What was your dream about?" You rubbed his back, trying to get his breathing to regulate just a little.

"W-we were on the r-roof, but I couldn't move! A-and you _jumped"_ His sobbing increased. "B-but you weren't on the ground. Y-you were behind me, but your eyes were all black… you said it was m-my fault you j-jumped… my fault, because I wasn't t-there for you…"

You were shocked. You never would have guessed that was what he was dreaming about.

"S-sans… Sans I'm not going anywhere. And there's nothing to blame yourself for. You're my best friend." You held him closer, letting him cry himself out.

"W-why are you awake so early?" Sans sniffled, finally calmed down.

"I…" You looked away sheepishly. "I had my own nightmare actually."

"What?" Sans shot a concerned look at you. His face was still stained with tears, but his skull wasn't snow white anymore. You nodded sadly and he patted the bed next to him. You stood and sat next to him, snuggling up under the blanket

"I was in Asgore's throne room, but Asgore wasn't there. There was just a giant pile of ash in the middle of the room. When I tried leaving, the door slammed shut behind me. _She_ was there Sans… Chara slammed the door shut, locking me in the room with the ashes… She cornered me and tied me to the throne. She used her knife to cut designs into my arms…" You shudder. You refused to cry, but remembering it made your stomach heave.

"Oh Kiddo… I'll protect you." His arm wrapped around you tighter and you fell into the embrace. This was what you missed. This was what you needed the most.

"Thanks Sans."

"For what kid?"

"For being my best friend again." You smiled and rested your head on his shoulder.

"I never stopped Kiddo."

* * *

 **I've had a few requests for Nightmares Sans, but I wasn't initially sure how I wanted to portray it. I've read a few myself where Sans has nightmares about Papyrus being killed, but I wanted to shake it up a little bit.**

 **I'd like to thank everyone for your support. I know I say it every chapter, but it really does mean a lot to me! The fact that everyone is so supportive of not only my writing, but also me as a person.**

 **I kind of want to do a chapter based off this headcannon I saw on Tumblr a few days ago. It was about the whole thing with Papyrus' call to you after the date in the Dump. I don't know it word for word but I can paraphrase it.**

 **So the call from Papyrus seemed really forced and awkward, which wasn't normal for Papyrus. They went on to talk about how it's speculated hos Alphys kills herself in some of the neutral endings, which makes sense because of some of the comments she makes during the game. SO the point of this was maybe when Papyrus and Alphys were on their run, she made some comments that made Papyrus worry so he sent her home and called you, maybe to make sure she doesn't do anything bad.**

 **But how would Papyrus know the signs that Alphys was showing? Well maybe it's because Papyrus lived with someone who showed the same symptoms as Alphys…**

 **Anyway, it wouldn't be hurt/comfort with the reader, but with Papyrus and Alphys. If anyone knows that headcannon thing, or would be interested in seeing this as a chapter, please let me know! I might type it up for fun, but if people are interested I'll try really hard!**

 **If anyone has any questions, comments, requests… send a message or a review!**

 **Until next time**

 **~Starlight**


	16. Break Up- self harm

You felt your heart shatter. He said it wasn't your fault. He said it was a because of some personal issues. He said it all over text.

You stare at your phone, shocked that your boyfriend – ex boyfriend – broke up with you over text. You didn't want to cry. You knew this was coming for weeks but refused to be the first to bring it up. He had been acting distant, texting less, seeming less interested in you.

But it still hurt, even if you were ready for it.

The tears came fast and heavy. You had always been a noisy crier, sobbing and sniffling, but for the first time the tears fell silently. You sat in your bathroom, staring at the tile ceiling, letting the tears flow by themselves.

This wasn't like when you were killed down in the Underground. That was a sharp pain and then comfortable darkness. This was… excruciating. You tried to wipe away the tears, but the instant your cheeks were dried, they were soaked again.

A silent sob was the only break in our pain. Your shirt was soaked and your hands were trembling. You reread the conversation over and over again, trying to figure out what went wrong. What you did wrong.

A knock came from the door and you whimpered, trying to clear your throat and hide the fact you had been crying for an hour… for hours you realize after checking your phone.

"Y-yeah? I'll be o-out in a second…"

"You okay Kid? You sound like you've been crying." _Shit it was Sans._

"I'm fine Sans… just feeling a little sick. That's all." You lie through your teeth, and even though you know you've never been able to lie to him, you pray that maybe this time he would be gullible enough to believe you.

"That sounds like a load of crap." The door handle rattled. "Why's the door locked kid?"

"It's nothing. I'll be out in a second." You quickly wipe the tears from your face and check the mirror. Your face was bright red and your eyes were puffed out so obviously that there was no way you could hide this. Splashing some cold water on your face, you start thinking of excuses.

You breathe deeply and prepare yourself for the worst. You unlock the door with a click and open it to see Sans standing right there, a concerned look on his usually cheery face. He lifted his torso as if about to say something but you waved him off.

"It's nothing Sans. I'm really fine." He was a little put off at the interruption, but refused to let you walk away in such a state.

"Come on Kiddo, I'm not buying into that. Just tell me what's buggin you sweetheart." Sans wrapped an arm around your shoulders and teleported you to his room. He had been doing this since you entered high school, taking you to a safe place so you would feel the most comfortable about talking about your problems.

He sat you down on the bed, which was surprisingly cleaner than his room in the Underground. This one even had sheets and a blanket. He sat next to you and wrapped his arm around your shoulder again, his warmth calming you down a little.

"He broke up with me…" Saying it out loud cut through your chest even more. The gravity of the situation finally fell onto you. You started sobbing again, burying your face in his jacket. His arm tightened around you as you soaked the fabric. He mumbled into your ear, soft comforts that barely registered to you.

"I'm so sorry kid… I know how much he meant to you…"

"He s-said it was cuz the distance but…" You cut off, suddenly finding yourself in dangerous waters. You hoped he didn't catch your slip. He was far too perspective for his own good though, and noticed in a heartbeat.

"But…" He urged you on, but you really didn't want to say _that_ out loud.

"But I think it was because I…I wouldn't have sex with him…" You whispered, your voice rough from your crying. You felt his tense up next to him, his grip on you slackening momentarily before coming back even stronger.

"That…" His eye glowed blue. "That _asshole!_ I swear if I ever see him again I'm going to rip him a new-"

"Sans no!" That was the last thing you wanted to happen. "It's not his fault… I _was_ really reluctant to have sex with him. It's no wonder he got tired of waiting." You sounded so resigned. You knew deep down that you were right, and that made the pain of the rejection hurt that much more. You didn't want to feel this way anymore.

"Kid you better shut the _fuck_ up because there is no possible way this is your fault." Sans took your shoulders in both of his hands and shook you roughly. You refused to look him in the eye.

"Look at me." You continue to ignore him. "Kid, please?" he sounded so sad, and the slight tremor in his voice made you shoot your head up in worry. He had a faint glow in his eyes, almost like tears…

"S-seriously Sans… I know how to take responsibility." You glance away, the feeling of guilt growing even stronger. His arms dropped from yours and he sat back, adjusting his weight so he wasn't touching you.

"If you say so kid… I just worry about ya."

"I know Sans, and I really appreciate it, but I think I just need to be alone right now." You stood up, the bed creaking from the loss of the extra weight. He made a noise as if he wanted to say something but he ended up staying silent. A moment passed as you walked to the door.

"Don't do anything dumb kid. Promise me?" He didn't move from his stop on his bed. You paused at the door, not turning around or looking at him.

"You know how I feel about promises Sans." You felt the same way his did. You didn't wait for him to respond before walking out and closing the door behind you with a soft click.

* * *

You wince as the bandage pulls at the cuts on your hip. You fell so far down this path of destruction in the past week. The pain of being dumped needed to be forgotten about somehow, and in your experience this was the most efficient way.

It had never been this bad before. Maybe one a week or so, but for the past seven or eight days – it was all becoming a blur at this point – you needed to do it two, maybe three times a day just to be able to interact with anyone.

You had skipped school the last three days, simply unable to leave the house. Sighing, you adjusted your pants so the bandage wasn't being pulled anymore and slipped on a jacket. You were going to sit outside for a little, than go back inside and sleep for a few more hours.

As you headed up to the roof, you relived the nightmares that have been plaguing you. They were all about _him._ He would be kissing you, touching you, loving you, then all of a sudden start saying these things that just broke your heart…

 _"You were never good enough for me."_

 _"You dumb virgin, why would anyone want to fuck you?"_

 _"I never loved you."_

 _ **"I never loved you."**_

Bitter tears stung your cheeks as you opened the door. You couldn't stop crying lately. At a drop of a hat they would start dripping from your face without you even meaning too. That last one always cut you deepest.

You sat on the ledge overlooking the street below, picking at a scab on your arm and letting the cold air fill your lungs. It was late fall in the town everyone ended up settling down in. One of the first buildings constructed was a row of apartment like buildings for the more solitary creatures. The only ones that really got their own homes were the skeletons, Toriel, Alphys and Undyne, and the two biggest businesses in town, Grillby's II and Muffet's Bakery.

You were allowed to pick your apartment first, and chose a medium sized one on the top floor. Toriel seemed a little disappointed that you didn't pick the largest one, but you really didn't think you could ever use that much room.

Dangling a foot over the edge, you signed, letting the tears fall down the five floors into the pavement. Usually Sans found you immediately when you were on the roof like this, but lately you had been pushing him away. Pushing everyone away actually.

The amount of excuses you've given in the past week could have filled a book. I'm just tired. I have homework. I'm not feeling well. I don't like that anymore…

Everyone seemed to buy into it, except for Sans. He never seemed to take the hint that you wanted to be left alone. You let a hand dangle over the edge as well, your weight starting to shift slightly. If a breeze came through, you would be flattened.

Just as your weight began to fall even more, you jumped off the ledge back into the roof, swaying a little at the sudden, jarring impact. You felt it creeping back onto you and quickly rushed inside, not wanting to be caught by anyone in such a state.

You made it to your apartment and slammed the doors just as the tears really started pouring. The sobs pushed you back into the bathroom, like the poor, pathetic addict you were.

Pulling out your handy dandy razor blade, you calmed yourself down the only way you cared to know anymore. Your whole leg was a mess of lines, from the knee to the hip. Straight, vertical, crossing others. Some shallow, some probably should have gotten a stitch or two but you didn't care. What you did care about was you were running out of room on your leg. You slashed up the last few clear areas and smiled as you felt your breathing regulate and the tears slow.

Toilet paper in hand, you went about cleaning up the crime scene – for that's what it looked like. Blood everywhere, even splattered on the mirror when you sneezed. Dripping down the side of the tub, seeping into the towel that was left on the ground. Good thing no one came to visit anymore, because it would be hard to explain the bloodstains on almost all of your towels.

You patched yourself up, slightly lightheaded but feeling slightly better than you +did an hour ago. You went back to your room and threw yourself onto the bed, not caring to take your shoes off first. Just as you were about to drift off to sleep, your phone dinged. No one had messaged you in three days. Who could that be?

 _There's a huge party tonight. Don't worry, Tori and company won't be there, but you will be. I'll be there at seven to pick you up and if you aren't ready you'll be going as is. –Sans_

A few seconds later there was a second ding.

 _Forgot to mention there'll be drinking at this party so hope you're ready to get fucked up! – Sans_

Sometimes you forgot what a teen Sans was. His enthusiasm made you smile a little, but the thought of leaving the apartment to go to a party turned you right off.

Well… he said Toriel and the others wouldn't be there to harass you. You glance at the clock and see you have about two hours to get ready. Sighing heavily you decide, why not? You climb out of bed and look through your wardrobe.

You didn't have much in the way of fancy clothing. Most of it was geared towards school and casual life. You had a nice red dress, but it would showcase all your cuts and you wanted to _forget_ for the night, not be fussed over.

In the left side of the closet, between a hoodie and a sweater, there was a dress that had fallen off one half of the hanger and was dangling by one shoulder. It was casual, but also cute. Mid- thigh skirt, maroon lace and half sleeves. It was nice enough for a party, you guessed.

Trying on the dress, you realized this one also showed your cuts, but a pair of black tights would easily cover them and really look nice with this particular dress. You went over to our desk and pulled out your makeup, not having the will power to do too much. Just a little eyeliner, making the wings sharp to prove how fancy you were. Mascara and lipstick and you were just about ready to go. You lazily brushed out your hair and pull it into a half up pony tail.

The clock said 6:07 so you decided to eat something before getting drunk. Last time you drank on an empty stomach you had a seriously bad time the next morning. You just made some toast, seeing how you hadn't gone shopping in eight days… and because you really did want to get drunk as fast as possible.

You flicked on the television, scrolling through the channels until you found some reruns of a show you used to watch as a kid. The dumb kid's joke made you smile a little, but the adult joke that had flown right over your head when you first saw the episode actually made you giggle out loud. First time you've kinda laughed in a week.

At the stroke of seven, the couch sunk down with added weight. You glance over and see Sans, but stop momentarily. He wasn't wearing his normal shorts and jacket. Looked like even Sansy dressed up for this party. He wore jean shorts with a black t-shirt and a flannel. You had to admit, it was a good look on him.

"Ready to go Kiddo?" He wasted no time.

"Why is it the only time you're actually on time is when I don't want to go?"

"It seems like you want to go to me." He looked you over and grinned cheekily at you with a huge wink. You smile a little at his tone. Not much has been very lighthearted in your life lately.

"I figured it would be best to try and forget. Besides, I don't want to be thrown into a room full of people in my pajamas." You give him a semi playful smile. He at least had the decency to look a little sheepish, but he knew you were right. He really would have teleported you no matter what you were wearing.

"Welp let's get going then!" He grabbed your arm and teleported right from your living room.

* * *

The party was already in full swing when your feet hit the ground outside of the house. You recognized the neighborhood, so at least you sort of knew where you were. He took your hand and brought you inside, directly to the kitchen. With skilled movements, he poured you a drink and shoved it in your hands.

"Drink up Kiddo! I refuse to let you leave without having a good time!" He shouted over the music. You could barely understand him, but you understood what he wanted you to do. You took a sip and found yourself pleasantly surprised at the taste. You expected something extremely heavy tasting, but it was actually quite good.

He grinned wider as you handed him your empty cup for a refill. He obliged and as soon as the cup was in your hands he dragged you away from the nicely lit kitchen to the dance floor that used to be a back patio.

It wasn't a huge party, like the kind you see in the movies, but there was still a decent amount of party goers. You made sure to stick close to Sans, not wanting to be separated from the shorter skeleton. There were mostly humans, but there were a handful of monsters that were vaguely familiar to you as well.

You finished your second drink, the alcohol making your limbs feel warm. You grin widely and pull Sans over to you. The two of you dance to the music, not able to talk over the noise but simply enjoyed being around one another. It felt like years since you last spent any time with your best friend.

He spin you around and dipped you and bounced along with the music like it was choreographed. Just another thing about Sans that made you smile.

As the night wore on, Sans made you more and more of those drinks, but eventually they started tasting more and more watery. You guessed he was just trying to wean you off of how much alcohol you were consuming.

You sat on the couch, waiting for Sans to come back from the bathroom – someone spilt their drink on him and he went to wash up. The party was still going strong, even though it was nearing one in the morning. You were extremely drunk, and you knew it, but you felt better than ever so you weren't about to complain.

"Hey there hot stuff." Some human sat next to you on the couch. You could smell the weed on him, and the smell mixed with the alcohol in your stomach made you feel a little queasy.

"H-hey."  
"You all alone? It's not safe for such a pretty little thing to be alone." He moved closer to you. "Why don't I… keep you company?" His hand slid up your good thigh and you suck in a breath. You've never had this happen to you before, and had no clue how to make him stop.

"I-I'm not alone actually…" You slur out, the feeling of his hand sliding farther up your skirt making you stutter a little. He grinned wickedly at you and tried to move in for a kiss when a blue aura surrounded him.

He suddenly found himself across the room, confused and slightly horny. Sans was standing next to you, a predatory look on his face.

"Hey there bub. Whatcha think you're doing with my friend here?" Somehow his voice carried over the music. People milling around stopped and turned to look at the skeleton, some a little scared, others a little entertained.

"N-nothin man!"

"Nothin's right. Now I'm going to take my friend here and go someplace quiet. You better keep your distance pal." Sans smiled at the guy, but it wasn't a friendly smile. The guy nodded frantically and left the room.

Sans grabbed your wrist and took you outside. He asked you something, but you didn't really process it. He sighed and teleported you back to his room. The sudden silence after being at such a loud party for hours was a little disorienting.

You went to sit on his bed, but ended up stumbling and falling. You braced for impact, but yourself caught up in his arms. He gave you a strange look and helped you up. You laid on his bed, not caring if your skirt rode up a little. You were wearing tights. He sat on the edge by your feet and looked over at you, frowning slightly.

"How ya feelin Kid?" He spoke quietly, which you appreciated. You could already feel a headache forming.

"I'm feelin… drunk." You giggle a little at your own joke, even though it really wasn't a joke. He frowned a little more and moved closer to the middle of the bed.

"I bet you are. That was quite a bit you had to drink tonight." He smirked a little, but if you had been sober you would have noticed the concerned look his eye. "How are you feeling, emotionally?"

"I feel…" This was harder to answer. "I'm very _bone_ -ly." You giggle at the awful pun. Sans had used it for years, so it wasn't even original, but in your state it was the funniest thing ever. He smiled too, but finally comprehended what you said.

"Yeah, I've been feeling a little _bone_ -ly without you around too." He places a hand on your upper arm and rubs it comfortingly.

"I don't miss _him,_ but I miss… I miss the contact I guess…" You had no clue what you were saying. It was all such a blur to you.

"He was so bad for you kid."

"Yeah… I know…" You fell silent and found his eyes with your own. At first he had four of them, but they eventually settled into two. He looked… confused? Hungry? Maybe you should go out to Grillby's if he's hungry. You suddenly craved the feeling of contact, and since you were in no position to make rational decisions you just said the first thing that popped into your head. "Sans… kiss me?"

He looked beyond startled. He actually pulled back from you. The pinpricks in his eyes seemed to shrink in shock. He chuckled nervously and tugged at the collar of his shirt.

"I- now that probably isn't a very good idea kid. You're drunk and just got dumped and I'm not the kind of guy to take advantage of you like that…"

"Sans I want you to kiss me… please? Please kiss me Sans." He refused to make eye contact with you, but you were determined. You wanted this so badly. You sat up and watched the room swirl around you as you moved in. You sat in his lap, trying to get him to look at you.

"Seriously Kid… this is one hell of a bad idea…"

"You're the one who got me drunk."

"Y-yeah but, uh… I'm not going to take advantage-"

"Sans if you don't do it I'm going to walk back to that damn party and find someone who will." You needed this. More than anything. He caved and let you lean in. You happily leaned in and placed a messy kiss on his teeth.

He gave a soft moan and leaned into you as well. The increase of pressure made your heart beat speed up. You wrapped your arms around his neck and placed your knees on either side of his hips so you were straddling him.

Sans tried to say something, but you kissed him again. You didn't want words, you wanted actions. Your hands messed with the collar of his flannel and eagerly worked it off his shoulders. You tossed it up by the pillows and pushed him back so he was leaning on his elbows.

Your vision doubled again, but two blushing skeleton's beneath you was better than one in your book. You kissed him again, letting your hips grind into his a little. He jumped and placed a hand on your shoulder, as if to pushed you off, but ended up wrapped his hand around your neck and pulling you in closer.

"S-sans… bite my neck." You were breathless, but this… this was the best way to forget. You threw your head back as his teeth nipped at your neck. You felt yourself getting wet, and you started getting antsy.

You tugged at his t-shirt and he eagerly lifted it above his head. Tracing the lines of his ribcage, the sounds he made caused you to shiver. His mouth found your neck again, and he moved down lower. He teased the fabric of your dress and you got the hint.

Slipping the dress off over your head was easy, trying not to fall over was the hard part. He caught you with no problem and held you close to him. His fingers trailed over your sides and chest, taking time to gently touch every inch of you. You moaned out loud, despite your 'best' efforts to stay quite.

A sudden, wet appearance made you glance down at him. A glowing tongue poked from his wide grin, the light in his eyes nothing more than aroused pinpricks. You swallowed thickly at the sight and cried out when he went back to praising your body with his mouth. You guided his hands to your chest and let him unhook your bra. You hoped that if you had to pick one thing to remember in the morning, it would be the sound he made when he saw you naked for the first time.

He left nothing untouched, making sure every last inch was covered in love bites. You wanted more, and told him so by grinding your hips into his, the stockings catching on the curve of his bones. He groan into your breast and you felt the vibrations deep in your core.

This felt good. This was _fun._ Maybe if you had gotten drunk with your ex, he would have stayed-

You stopped moving. The sudden stillness told Sans something was wrong and he looked up at you. The tears were back again, causing your makeup to run down your cheeks like black rivers. The pain was back too, shattering every bone in your chest.

You sobbed into his bare shoulder, the mood totally gone. His shaking hands pulled you from his lap and placed you next to him.

"Hey! Hey listen! You have to calm down. Listen to me, okay? You need to breathe." He talked you through some breathing exercises until your breathing was as close to normal as it could be. He looked at you with concern and a little bit of apprehension.

"S-sans…"

"What happened Kiddo? Was it something I did?" His voice was shaking, from being cut off in such a situation or because of the way you were currently acting, you weren't sure.

"I-if I w-was d-drunk with _him…_ m-maybe he would have l-loved me!" You burst into sobs again, your mind not processing the train of thought very well.

"Oh Kid no, no, no. Don't think like that! If you were drunk with him, he would have just taken advantage of you and left. He was no good, and would have hurt you so badly if you stayed with him. Do you understand?"

"It's all my fault. I wasn't g-good enough for him…" You were inconsolable, your mind a mess of bad thoughts and memories of lingering touches.

"Is that anyway to talk about yourself? Why don't you…" He pulled you close to him again, but not on his lap. Right up next to him so you could lean on him. He handed you his flannel, and you gratefully slipped it on, covering yourself comfortably. "That's better, don't you think?"

"Y-yeah…" You sniffle, all cried out for now.

"Now I need you to listen to me. It's really, really important that you listen to everything I tell you, okay?" He waited for you to respond, so you just nod a fraction and stare straight ahead. "You are _not_ to blame for this. In my opinion, he really fucked up. He's the one who lost an amazing girl, and you're the one who finally managed to knock away all that dead weight.

"You never saw it, but I certainly did, especially when you would come to me after your dates. He was abusing you, Kid." You looked up, startled. There was no way… you would have realized and left if he was abusing you. "You know when he would make you feel guilty when you stopped before he wanted you to? That's emotional abuse.

"The way he made _you_ feel bad for making him stop was completely fucked up, and the first time you told me about it I got really scared for you. That's some serious red flag material Kiddo."

"It wasn't like that though! It really was my fault. He always backed off when I stopped so it's my fault we never went all the way."

"That's some twisted up thinking you got goin on…"

"…"

"Come on Kid, you're going to feel like crap in the morning, so we might as well keep you comfortable now. Here," He hopped off the bed and went over to the closet. He pulled out a pair of sweatpants and tossed them at you. Being drunk and emotional, they hit you right in the face, but it make you smile. "Take those tights off and get comfy."

You stand, less sure footed than Sans, and began pulling off the tights. At this point, what did it matter if you changed in front of him? He already saw you half naked.

It didn't occur to you to you that there would be repercussions for that.

"H-hey Kiddo… what the _ever loving fuck_ happened to your leg?" His eyes had gone dark, his tone dead. It took a good three or four seconds to process what he said. When you finally figured it out, you glanced down and saw the massacre that was your thigh.

"Oh…" You had nothing else to say. One of the bandages had bled through and was stained a sickly crimson.

"Oh? _Oh?_ Is that all you really have to say?" He sounded tired and angry, and you felt tired and sad.

"What do you want me to say Sans?"

"Tell me what happened to your damn leg!"

"It calmed me down alright!" You were starting to get mad. You wanted to go back to the kissing and touching and the not talking about this. Your buzz was packing its bags and leaving you.

"What do you mean?" Sans had gone quite.

"When… when my emotions got out of control. When I felt like there was nothing left for me… it gave me something to focus on… something to punish myself with." He was beside you in an instant. Probably teleported the three feet so as not to waste time.

"Kid no, no, no, no. Stop that now. There's nothing to punish yourself for… how long have you been doing this?" He tried to get you to look at him, but you were so focused on putting the pants on, you didn't look up.

"A few years I guess… Started back in high school and never really stopped. Never used to be this bad though." You sit on the bed with your back against the wall, pulling your legs up to your chest. "Maybe once a week, sometimes more and sometimes less. I've gone months without doing anything… and now you've seen me at my worst."

"Do you ever think about…" Sans almost didn't want to know the answer. "About, um… you know… k-killing yourself?"

"Do you really want to know?" You tried to keep your voice neutral, but the trembling gave you away instantly.

"I don't want to, no. But I have to know kid."

"Yeah… a lot lately. It's been a constant _what if_ going through my head. What if I take a handful of pills? What if I jump from the roof of the apartments? What if I cut a vein?" You pause to collect your thoughts. "How would people react? Would they care? Would _he_ blame himself, or move on as if nothing ever happened between us?"

"Oh kid…" He wrapped his arms around you tightly, refusing to let go. You tried struggling for a few seconds, but you needed this contact. You let him hold you, and let him cry into your shoulder. You waited until he was calm before pulling away gently.

"I'm sorry I made you kiss me…" Now that your head was clearer, you realized what an awful idea that was.

"Don't apologize Kid. You needed some healthy affection, and I wasn't about to let you run off to some stranger when I'm right here for you."

"Do you… regret it?"

"Kissing you? Gods no! I never liked that guy, but I thought it was just my jealously at first. Then I realized he really was a fuckboy and felt better about hating him."

"… Did you just say Fuckboy?" You couldn't keep the amusement from your voice. He chuckled, the action rumbling deep in your chest.

"Yeah I guess I did. You're rubbing off on me kid."

"Not the only thing I can rub." You gave him a large, suggestive wink, which caused him to burst out laughing. He fell back a little bit and wiped a tear from his eye.

"You're something else, that's for sure."

"Sans?"

"What's up Kid?"

"…Kiss me again?"

"Erm… I'm not sure if that's the best idea right now-"

"Please Sans? I don't want anything more than that. Just… kiss me?" You looked up at him with big eyes, the need for affection stronger than the need for a nap. He took one look into your eyes and caved, leaning in and giving you one of the gentlest kisses you've ever had in your life. Pulling away, he whispered against your lips.

"You won't regret this in the morning, will you?"

"Absolutely not." You whisper back and lean in again. You would never regret kissing Sans.

* * *

 **Why is it whenever I try to write a short two or three page chapter to say 'hey I'm still here don't worry I'm working on an update!" it ends up being one of the longest chapter in the whole story?**

 **This was also based on my personal experiences. The week (Read as months) after my first break up was the worst thing I've ever experiences. My cutting got worse, my depression got worse, and I didn't have anyone to take me to some random party and make out with me to help me realize what an asshole he was. He emotionally abused me, and I didn't realize it until a few months later when my best friend pointed it out to me.**

 **Thank you everyone who reviewed and sent in suggestions! I'm really sorry if I haven't gotten to your suggestion yet, but I'm working on going through all the reviews and messages to make a nice neat list so I can keep track of everything. I'm not a very organized person, as you can tell.**

 **I have half a dozen chapters half written, so this fic ain't over yet!**

 **If anyone has any questions, suggestions, etc. holla at me yo**

 **Until next time!**

 **~Starlight**


	17. Chipped Bones-self harm- depression

"Aren't you warm in that jacket?" You looked at Sans curiously. You had followed him to the hotdog stand in Hotlands, and it was somehow even more hot than usual. You had discarded your sweater as soon as you made it to the stand, not self-conscious about just wearing a tank top, like you would have been Aboveground. He stopped staring into space long enough to glance at you.

"Nah. Skeletons don't feel heat or cold. I thought you knew that by now." He sounded guarded. But you had zero idea why he would be guarded against you. You grimace, knowing he was right. Your maternal side just got the best of you.

"Right I knew that…" That earned a chuckle from the skeleton, who turned back to face the customers that had already started lining up. You watched Sans work, and something struck you as odd, but you couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was.

When the day finally ended, you still hadn't figured out what about him was bothering you so much. Grumbling internally, you followed Sans though a shortcut back to their house in Snowdin. You immediately slipped your sweater back on, the change in temperature too extreme for you.

Opening the door, Papyrus called to you from the kitchen. You go to greet him, only to be stopped by the sight in front of you. Mettaton was wearing a pink apron, with matching pink chef's cap. Papyrus was standing next to him, with an expression of complete adoration.

It seemed like Mettaton was teaching Papyrus how to cook something, which was a shock to you because last time _you_ tried teaching him, Papyrus tried to make his own version of the meal, which ended in the kitchen on fire.

It seemed Sans had the same though process as you, because he inched around the pair with a suspicious look on his face. He slipped into the fridge and pulled out two bottles of his favorite ketchup. You asked him one day why he drank so much ketchup, and he easily responded with "Why do you drink so much tea?" You let the subject drop after that.

"Hehe I'm just going to, um, head to my room. Got some stuff I have to _bake_ care of." He nodded to whatever was baking in the oven before fizzing out of the room. You heard the door on the second floor close a second later. Papyrus didn't even have time to groan at the pun before his brother teleported from the room. You, Papyrus and Mettaton were silent.

"Um… so anyway Dear, you just…" Mettaton picked up right where he started, wanting to break the suddenly awkward silence. Papyrus jumped right back in, briefly offering to let you join in the fun. You politely decline, your worry for Sans too much.

He preferred walking most places, and when you mentioned it he said it was because teleporting was too much work. The fact that he teleported just upstairs was a red flag in your head. You go up to his door and knock, noting how the usual dancing flames were no longer dancing behind the door. With a sharp knock, you called out to Sans.

"Hey Sansy. You hungry?" You were hoping he would go with you to get something, like the old days. A muffled noise came from the door before an answer did. If you didn't know any better, you would say it sounded like a sob.

"Nah Kiddo. I'm… I'll get something later, okay?" He doesn't say anything after, signaling that he was done talking. You heard another sound, a suspiciously sobbing like sound, before sighing and turning away.

* * *

You had finished your errands in record time, mostly because there wasn't much to do. Papyrus asked for you to pick up some things from the shop, and you had to return some books to the library. You found yourself following your nose to the only real restaurant in town. Mettaton and Papyrus' meal wasn't finished when you stopped back in the drop off the groceries, so you haven't had the chance to eat anything today.

The door opened with a ring as the bell overhead announced your arrival. Although you weren't as much of a regular as Sans, most of the customers recognized you enough to greet you. It was fairly empty today, maybe half a dozen customers mulling about at the tables and booths. Most nursed warm drink, trying to stave off the biting cold of the impending storm, but that was usual around this part of the Underground. There was always a storm about to hit.

You saw your favorite bar stool was open, as was the one next to it. It occurred to you that maybe the other monsters left them open on purpose in case you came in. You pull yourself up onto the stool and smile at Grillby. The fire on his lower face jumped, his version of a smile.

"Is Sans not with you?" His voice was soft, like a wood fire on a chilly winter evening. Your smile fades away and you bite your lip with a shake of the head. Grillby seemed to deflate a little, the flames coming from the top of his head calming s little.

""When was the last time Sans actually came in?" You just realized you couldn't really remember the last time the skeleton visited the bar. Grillby looked at the door, thinking back. It must have been a long while because he was silent for almost half a minute.

"Two… maybe three weeks?" He has never been away for that ling since he moved to Snowdin. I am really starting worry." He handed you a glass of soda and you gratefully take a sip of the caffeine. Grillby's was one of the only places in the Underground to get real, caffeinated soda. You had to admit to yourself and Sans a few months back that you had a serious caffeine addiction. He had made a pun that there were worse things to be addicted to, and gave a tight smile.

"You and me both Grillbz…" You sigh, missing the warmth of the skeleton that _usually_ sat next to you. Grillby brought you your unspoken order. Your mouth began watering at the sight of the burger. Again, Grillby's is one of the only places in the Underground where you could get non-sweet related foods. You could only eat so many cinnamon bunnies before the smell of icing made you want to throw up.

You were halfway through your burger when you had an idea. You waved the fire monster over again and asked for a second burger with fries, to go. He raised a burning eyebrow at you, amusement alive in his features.

"Make sure he eats it alright? I doubt he's been getting anything edible since he hasn't been coming here." He hands you a to-go box, heavy with a full burger and a double helping of fries. You had asked a few weeks after you settled down why the flame monster let Sans keep such a large tab without making him pay. Grillby had sighed and said Sans was too good natured to turn down his brother's cooking, and too lazy to cook for himself. He felt it was partially his responsibility to keep Sans fed because of something Sans did for him back during the war against humans. You never pried farther than that.

"I'll try my best Grillby… Thanks for the meal." You tried placing some coins on the bar but his hand covered you. You look up and see him shake his head.

"Consider it one the house." Grillby could not be swayed when it came to payment. You smile ruefully and scoop the coins back into your pocket. Grabbing the box, you wave goodbye to the remaining customers and headed home.

The warmth of the box made your fingers tingle, and you could actually see the steam coming from it. You had to shuffle things around a bit to open the door, and then you did you were bombarded with the scent of something that wasn't burnt spaghetti, to your surprise.

"Human! The Great Papyrus and his fabulous assistant," Mettaton coughed from behind him. "I mean, my lovely co-chef Mettaton, have prepared something never before created in the Underground!"

You were suddenly very afraid. He ushered you into the kitchen, being careful not to make you drop your box. On the counter was a large pan of what looked like hotdogs or sausages in gravy with peppers or onions or something with a plate of biscuits next to it. That must have been what was baking earlier. He was right, you've seen nothing like it before, but it actually smelt pretty good. You took a tentative taste and smiled widely.

"Wow guys this is really good! But there's way too much for just us. Did Sans eat any?" Papyrus' proud grin faded into a concerned grimace

"I tried to get my brother to come and try some, but he would not leave his room. His door was locked and he would not respond to me. I am very concerned for him." Papyrus sounded close to tears, and you felt your heart contract. Mettaton came over and placed a metallic hand on Papyrus' upper arm, comfortingly muttering something to him. Instantly, the skeleton's face lit up.

"Ah, good idea Mettaton! Though The Great Papyrus would have thought of it if he had been given more time!" He turned to you. "That is Grillby's, is it not? Maybe that can get my lazy brother to open his door!"

"That might actually work. I'll see what I can do." You really hoped Papyrus was right, but part of you was dubious anything could get Sans to open up anymore. You knocked on his door again, but only the sound or rustling sheets responded.

"Hey Bone Boy!" You used his nickname, hoping to get a reaction, but sadly there none came. "Sans I got some dinner from Grillby's for you. Can you let me in?"

You hear a faint click and you tested the handle. He had unlocked the door, but when you opened the door he was still curled up in his bed. You tiptoed over the crumpled up papers and socks, making your way to the bed. Sitting on the edge of the bed, you caused his body to roll slightly towards you, your weight making the whole bed dip to one spot.

He lazily lit his eyesockets, not really focusing on anything. You caught faint blue tracks on his face but don't comment on it.

"Here bud. Still steaming. And Grillbz said it was on the house. Free food always tastes better than food you had to pay for." You grinned, seeing the corners of his mouth turn up a little. That's what he always said. He buried his head back into his pillow.

"…not hungry."

"We both know that's a lie Sansy. You haven't eaten in days."

"…'m fine."

"Sans please sit up."

"…"

"For me?" You pulled _that_ card, and you didn't feel bad about it at all. He groaned and rolled over, knowing he couldn't deny that. You sat up, the bones in his back cracking at the movement. He looked at you lifelessly, his jacket hanging off one shoulder pitifully.

You popped open the lib of the box and watched his eyes light up brighter when the smell hit him fully. You handed him the box and watched, hopeful, as he took a small bite of the burg. You watched, concerned, as he ate a fry or two.

You stared, scared, as he closed the lid and put it on the ground.

"Thanks kid. That really hit the spot." He grinned at you, but it looked so tired.

"Sans you hardly ate anything…"

"I'm not all that hungry right now." He laid back down, covering himself with the sheet. You felt tears prick at the corners of your eyes, but you didn't know what to do.

"Sans…" You placed a hand on his upper arm, but quickly pull away when he violently flinched.

"I-I'm really tired… we'll catch up later, okay?" He turned away from your fully, pulling the sheet over his head. You knew a dismissal when you saw one, and stood reluctantly.

"I'll put the food in the fridge for you, okay?" You picked up the box as you heard a soft grunt come from the lump on the bed. You left, closing the door softly. A click came as soon as the door shut. With a sinking feeling in your chest, you walked away from his door.

* * *

Sans listened to your footsteps leave and sighed. He rolled over, staring at the celling. A tear worked its way from his eye. He had no clue what caused this funk this time. They had been really frequent when he was younger, but he thought he was getting better.

But something caused it to happen again, and he was powerless to stop it. Getting out of bed was hard, talking to anyone was hard. Living was getting hard.

He blinked violently, clearing the tears. Not that thought again… He sat up and pulled something out from under the bed. A small box was sitting next to his black box. The small box held the key to him being able to cope.

He lifted the lid and was greeted by the sickly sweet scent of the cinnamon bunnies. He pulled a chunk off and placed it in his mouth without chewing, yet. He wiped the icing off his hand and slipped his jacket off, exposing his arms.

Sans had been doing such a good job hiding his sins, hiding the chips and scratches that covered his arms. He took the knife from the box, the knife he used when he would work as a scientist, sharp enough to cut though skin and bone without dulling or rusting.

He found a smooth section of bone and angled the blade just so. As he brought the blade down, he bite down on the cinnamon bun. A chip of bone flies across the room and his 1 hp drops, but just for a second. The cinnamon bunny healed him instantly, keeping him from losing all of his health.

Sans found that the cinnamon buns healed health, while other monster foods healed other injuries ranging from bruising to deep wounds. Plus cinnamon bunnies tended to be fairly cheap, seeing how he couldn't have a tab at the shop.

He repeated this action a few more times, letting the glowing blue magic leak from the chips. He finished the second cinnamon bunny and decided it was enough for one night. He let some of the smaller scratches heal, just to make room for tomorrow. He cleaned everything up and placed the box back under the bed.

Shrugging his jacket back on, he was finally able to leave his room. He glanced in the mirror and plastered his grin on his face. It looked fake, even to him, but anything was an improvement to the grimace he was wearing lately.

* * *

You were running, running, running. Undyne wanted to help you get stringer for when you met Asgore, but that entailed her chasing after you with her spear two inches from your spine. You splashed through Waterfall, honest to god afraid of being stabbed if you stumbled.

Hotland was fast approaching, but when you tried to warn Undyne she just shouted at you to keep running. The tip of her spear poked your back, barely piercing the skin. With a yelp, you somehow managed to pick up speed.

She chased you up the steps leading to the upper levels. You wished vaguely that you had known about these before getting lost with the elevators so many times, but the burning in your side made it hard to think about much of anything.

You passed Sans' stand, and you wanted to cry out. Seeing his standing behind the building with his usual grin was such a welcoming sight, despite being about to pass out. He smiled and waved as you ran past. He tried to say something to you, but you were there and gone before you could catch anything.

Running up to the next level, you glanced down to see Sans looking up at you, the levels of Hotland as crazy and physics defying as always. As you glanced over the edge, your head began to swim from the exercise. You flung your arms out, trying to catch your balance before falling, but it was too late.

You felt yourself falling, your chest feeling weightless. You screamed out in fear, not knowing what you were going to land on. Maybe hard rock, maybe boiling lava. What you didn't expect was to be caught midair by warm arms.

Cracking an eye open, you saw Sans' arm outstretched. A blue aura surrounded his hand as well as your body. Since his arm was up, his sleeve slipped down, reveling something that made your heart stop. His arm…

You fell into his arms, knocking his off balance. You both fell back onto the hot ground, his arm wrapped around your waist protectively. You sat up, helping him sit up as well. You quickly grabbed his arm and slipped it up.

In an instant, you were ten feet away from him. San' face was whiter than the snow back home, and you could actually see him trembling from where you stood. He was grabbing his arm as if his life depended on it. You faintly heard Undyne calling from the upper level, but you ignored her. Taking careful steps forward, you called to Sans.

"Hey there bub… Looks like you had a little accident." He flinched away, uncharacteristically quiet and scared looking. You managed to take another two steps towards him before he managed to retreat two steps of his own.

You knew what you could do, but it was kind of a dirty move. You tried reaching out to him, but seeing the way he eyes you distrustfully made you realize it was probably the only thing you could do at this point.

Dropping to your knee, you clutched your stomach as if in agony. You let out a fake cry and he rushed to your side, like you knew he would. He wrapped his arms around your shoulders, trying to see what was wrong.

Sitting up suddenly, he fell back a little. You grabbed his face between your hands and made him look at you.

"Sans…"

"L-listen kid… I d-don't wanna-"

"Talk to me. Now." You left no room for arguments. He let his eyes dim almost completely, and pulled away. Taking out his phone, he sent a quick message to someone before grabbing your wrist and teleporting.

The sudden cold of his room felt amazing on your sweaty skin. You were thankful he left the window open, but quickly tuned your attention to Sans, who was sitting on the edge of the bed. He rested his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands, as if waiting to be yelled at.

You went over to him and sat down next to him, letting your shoulder touch his. You reach over and take his arm, Sans not trying to stop you in the slightest. You pulled his arm closer to you and lifted the fabric from his sleeve.

The chips stood out the most to you, the missing chunks beyond obvious against the whiteness of his bones. The cracks ran deep, and you were surprised his arm hadn't shattered under the stress. You ran a finger along the wounds, feeling tears building.

"It's not what you think…" His voice cracked, causing you to look up quickly. His face was wet with his tinted tears and he was staring straight ahead. He wouldn't look at you.

"What do you mean Sansy?"

"I..." You could tell he was trying to come up with an excuse. When he found nothing, he looked pitifully at his lap. You make him look at you, but he ended up staring over your shoulder. You purse your lips slightly and stand. The sudden shift of the mattress sent Sans off balance a little. You were glad you were wearing running shorts already, because this would have been so much more awkward of you had to take off your pants.

"Sans, I know what you're going though." You gestured to your leg, the long healed scars barely faint lines. His eyes widened as he saw the while lines decorating your skin. A shuttering breath left his mouth as he leaned closer. "I know what it feels like. You don't need to hide anything from me."

"I don't know why I feel this way…" Tears overflowed from his eyes.

"How do you feel?" You knew which questions to ask.

"I feel… dead, kinda. I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to talk to anyone… sometimes I don't want to wake up anymore. The pain helps me focus and get my motivation up…"

"Oh Sans…" You said it more to yourself than for him. You take his hand and hold it tight. "Let me see your arm again."

He lets you pull the sleeve up again, not as shocked the second time. You pulled a snack bar from your short pockets and open it. Holding it next to his mouth, you urged him to eat it. It was a special food item, for healing deep wounds specifically. He looked away, trying to refuse it, but you were determined to help him.

Finally he caves, taking a small bite. Instantly, the gaps in the bone started to fill in. You finally let yourself relax a little, knowing it was working at least a little bit. You coaxed him into eating the rest of it, and by the end his arm was almost completely healed. The small cracks and scratches were still there, but the most worrying wounds were healed.

Sans started at the bone with a mix of distaste and exhaustion. He flexed his fingers, seeming surprised that there was no pain.

"Thank you…" He whispered, barely audible. You smiled and hugged him tight.

"Of course Sans. I would do anything for you. If you ever feel this way again, come and find me, okay? Find me and talk to me." You muttered to him. You felt him shake a little, and held him tighter.

"Alright Kiddo… I'll look for you."

* * *

You woke up to frantic knocking at your door. You shuffled over and opened it, rubbing your eye sleepily. Sans was standing in the hallway, fidgeting and gripping his arm. You immediately woke up, ushering him inside.

"Oh man, oh man. I c-can't… I can't breathe…" You sat him on your bed, letting him pull his knees up to his chest. You knew better than to hug him at this point, and settled on rubbing his spine though his jacket.

"Breathe with me, alright? I'm right here for you Sans. I'm here. Breathe with me." You made a big deal of breathing in and out to get him to copy. His hyperventilation smoothed into a more calm breathing pattern. His tears had stopped, but you could see the wetness shining in the light coming in through your window.

"How are you buddy?" He groaned and buried his head in his hands.

"I'm good now." His voice was muffled by his hands, but to your relief he sounded for embarrassed than broken.

"You wanna stay here tonight?" You offer, not really trusting him to be alone right now. He hesitated, then nodded. You let out a breath of relief as he agreed, because you didn't know what you would have done to convince him.

The two of you curled up on the bed, facing each other. As the lights in his eyes dimmed, you grabbed his hand and held it, letting him know he wasn't alone. His grin grew a little wider as he drifted off completely. You watched him sleep peacefully for a few minutes before letting yourself fall asleep too, his hand in yours.

* * *

 **I'm not sure this turned out well at all. Maybe like a 3/10 maybe.**

 **Thanks for all the support I've gotten! I couldn't believe how many people are following and favoriting and simply reading it!**

 **As of now I have 34 suggestions for chapters, and I'm really working to get them all written, but please be patience with little old me. Even though the list is long I'm still taking suggestions because there can never be enough ways to comfort something.**

 **A fun little thing, the part where you fall into Sans' arms was based off the scene in** ** _Castle in the sky_** **where she floats into his arms mixed with the scene a few minutes later where they both crash to the ground… I'm a total nerd when it comes to Ghibi movies…**

 **I really don't have anything else to say for this chapter, other than sorry if it seems a little weird. I had a weird day yesterday. Now that the semester is over, I should be able to get a chapter out every other day or so, if everything goes as planned.**

 **Until next time!**

 **~Starlight**


	18. Perfect Match- relationship insecurities

Your hand tightens around Sans. You had been so happy when he finally asked you out, your months down in the Underground filled with flirting and coy glances. A year after the barrier broke, he finally got the guts to ask you, after you confessed of course.

Walking through the park had always been one of your favorite things to do with your best friend turned boyfriend, but now you were more conscious of the people around you. You had always noticed the glares from the humans, mostly the older ones, but you were able to ignore them.

It was the other looks that made your hands tense up. The sidelong glances, the fluttering eyelashes whenever he talked to anyone. Your heart began to hurt as you saw how the girl selling the sandwiches was twirling her finger in her long curly hair. Her eyelashes looked fake, but amazingly attractive nonetheless.

She was skinny and beautiful, and you felt like trash next to her. You glance at Sans from the corner of your eye and quickly looked away when you saw he was looking back at you.

"What kind of sandwich are you hungry for babe?" He stopped calling you 'kiddo' before the barrier even broke. You glanced guiltily at the menu and ordered something simple. Your stomach wasn't feeling up to anything special.

Sans gave you a strange smile and ordered his own sandwich, handing the girl some bills and taking the receipt. You noticed something written on the bottom of the receipt and felt your chest clench. Sans noticed your look and saw the numbers written in curly hand writing. He grimaced and made a huge show of tossing the paper into the trash.

"Don't worry about her sweetheart. I've never been a fan of the plastic looking kind." He tried giving you a reassuring smile but the feeling of dread stayed.

The same girl came over to deliver the sandwiches and you could feel her glare as she approached. Sans – bless his soul – noticed the tension and reached across to tuck a piece of your hair behind your ear, letting his fingers lightly brush your cheek as he pulled away.

"Oh look! Our foods here babe." He pulled away from you just in time to give the sandwich girl a shit-eating grin. She let her flirty smirk melt into a scowl as he dropped the plates unceremoniously on the table. "What's got her panties in a twist?"

You snort a little, his more raunchy humor always your favorite. That was actually what got you two so close in the beginning. He had made a dick joke under his breath, but you heard it and laughed so hard you started crying. You became thick as thieves after that.

"Thanks for lunch Sans." You smile into your meal. He chuckled and waved your compliment off.

"You covered my last shift because I just didn't want to go. I owe you at least four. Besides…" He leaned across the table and placed his forehead on yours. "I just like spoiling my babe."

You couldn't keep the blush from your face, so you shoved a huge bite into your mouth to avoid saying anything embarrassing. Sans chuckled and went back to eating his lunch. You could still feel the girl's eyes boring holes into the back of your head, but you were too happy to care right now.

* * *

You wanted to go home. Sans had asked you to go to a party with him and, even though you didn't like being around people, you couldn't stand the thought of making Sans stay home when he really wanted to go. He said it was no big deal, that he would stay with you instead, but you knew how badly he wanted to go.

The look on his face when you agreed made up for it, at the time. He was so happy…

You sigh at the memory as you look around the party, not really recognizing anyone. Sans told you to wait there, he would be right back with something to drink. You hoped it was something alcoholic because there was no way you would be able to relax in the slightest without something.

You saw the short skeleton through the crowd and took a step towards him. Then you stopped. You saw a girl talking to him, a girl whose skirt was shorter than your shirt, whose heels were higher than her GPA and whose breasts were so far out of her shirt you were afraid they might actually burst. And the most concerning part was how Sans was reacting.

He was talking to her, but he had a light blush across his face, his eye lights looking anywhere but her boobs. You felt tears in your eyes.

 _Of course he would be nervous around her. She's so much prettier than me. I could never look like that. I guess that's the kind of girl Sans really wants… why would he ever look at me? Why would he ever want me when it was so obvious he could have anyone he wanted? I'm not good enough for him… I'm not-_

"Babe? What's wrong?" Sans was in front of you, a red cup in both hands. He looked so concerned, you were taken aback. You felt something drip onto your neck and place a hand to your cheek. You were crying? Sans placed the cups on a nearby surface and wiped your cheeks, his fingers smearing some of the black eyeliner.

"I-it's nothing Sansy." You gave a weak smile, but he frowned more.

"Obviously not. What happened? Did someone say something to you? Tell me who and I'll teach them a lesson." His eye started to glow a tad and you quickly reassured him that no one said anything to you to make you cry.

"I'll tell you later okay? Let's just enjoy the party." He hesitated, obviously wanting to know right that minute, but you gave him a slightly stronger smile and peck him on the cheek. "Say, what did you bring me?"

"Um… just some sprite and cherry vodka. I figured it was fruity enough for you." He smirked and you took a sip from the cup. He was right. Not too girly, but plenty fruity for you to down without a problem.

"You know me so well Sansy." You finish your cup and place it back on the surface – it was a bookshelf with all the book piled up onto one area to leave room for cups – before taking his boney hand. "Let's dance."

* * *

You had forgotten how much fun it was to dance with Sans, especially after getting a few drinks into you. His hands slid down your hips as you twisted to and fro, arms above your head. You let out a laugh as he pinched your ass playfully and wrapped your arms around his neck. At the song change, you realized just how badly you had to pee.

Excusing yourself, you asked some more sober looking girls if they knew where the bathroom was. Thanking them and complimenting their dresses, you headed upstairs to the bathroom that shouldn't have used condoms in the tub, according to the girls.

The bathroom upstairs was surprisingly intact, just a few empty red cups tossed in the small trashcan next to the sink. You quickly relieve yourself and wash your hands before looking into the mirror.

Your makeup was a little smudged, probably from your slight breakdown at the beginning of the party, but also from sweating while dancing. You wiped away most of the smudging, trying to leave what little eyeliner there was left in one piece. Your cheeks were flushed from dancing, so you just pat your cheeks with cold hands and smile at the mirror.

From downstairs you hear a loud crash and laughter. A sudden bad feeling nestled itself in the pit of your stomach. Making sure you still had your phone in your pocket, you ran a hand through your hair before turning off the lights and heading back downstairs.

When you got to the bottom of the staircase, you saw what the crash was. The girl from earlier had been dancing on the table by the looks of things. She was standing on the table at least, and it broke, causing her to fall forward…

Directly onto Sans.

She was curled up in his lap, arms thrown around his neck, laughing hysterically. He was laughing just as hard, his hands still around her waist from when he caught her. You watched as her hands stroked the back of his skull and grind her hips into his a little.

You were frozen in the spot. You knew he had nothing to do with it, but it didn't seem like he was doing anything to stop the situation. The sound of someone whistling at the two of them snapped you out of your stupor. Sans lazily looked around to see who whistled, but ended up making eye contact with you instead.

His look of drunken amusement vanished instantly, replaced with concern mixed with horror. He tried to get up, but the girl refused to move. You managed to move yourself, however, and walked right out of the house. You didn't run or scream. You just walked away.

The cold night air clears your head enough to notice your surroundings. You were in a rich neighborhood about ten minutes from your house. Blinking back tears, you start walking in the direction of your own neighborhood, your thoughts taking over again.

 _He liked that. He liked having her on his lap. She probably didn't crush him like you do. He would rather have a girl like that on his lap than someone like you. He brought you to this party to show you what kind of girl he would rather have. You were never good enough for him. He never really liked you. It was all a game to him. A joke._

 _He could never love someone like you. Maybe if you were pretty and skinny like that girl. Maybe then he would love you, but he could never love you the way you are now. He could never love you. He would never love you. He never loved you._

A sob ripped through your chest, making you stumble. Something caught you, but you didn't care to look. You struggled, trying to escape whoever was holding you. You couldn't make out what they were saying at first, too concerned about getting away to care.

"- babe please! Look at me! Babe you need to breathe!" Sans was holding your arms down, keeping you from throwing your hands out and hitting him or yourself.

"S-sans?" You gasped through your tears. His face showed instant relief that you managed to recognize him.

"Yeah hun. It's me. You ran out pretty fast back there… Are you okay?"

"…" You started crying again, your thoughts bombarding your heart again. "Of c-course you'd… I was n-never good enough… not like her- not like any of those g-girls… I'm no match. You c-could never l-love someone like m-me!"

He looked at you incredulously before pulling you close to his chest and taking a short cut right to his house. He unlocked the door with a wave of a hand and carried you upstairs. You could hear Papyrus snoring softly from the other room and burry your face into Sans' shoulder even more. You didn't deserve someone like Sans…

"Alright dear. Can you look at me?" He brushed your hair from your face, tucking the pieces stuck to your face with tears behind your ear gently. You glance up and feel tears well up again at the sight of the adoration and concern in his face.

"I'm sorry." You mumble, feeling awful for making him leave the party early. "You can go back if you want…"

"I wouldn't want to be anywhere but here." He smiled softly and you chuckle humorlessly.

"Why?"

"Why what babe?" He furrowed his eyebrow bones in confusion.

"Why do you put up with me? Why pick me?" even you could tell how hollow your voice sounded.

"Why pick you? Because you're my best friend. Because you saved my life. You made me realize that caring isn't bad. I chose you because I love you." He took your hand his, holding it reassuringly.

"B-but… you- I'm not pretty or skinny or anything like those girls at the party… even the girl at the sandwich place was better than me… so why me?"

"Those girls have _nothing_ on you. I would pick you over a thousand of them any day."

"B-b-but… I'm fat! I-I'm… I'm n-not good enough-" You felt your breathing pick up and that only helped to freak you out more. His hand reached around and rubbed your back.

""Not good enough? Babe… _I'm_ the one that's not good enough for you." His voice cracked a little, and the hurt in his tone make your chest burn.

"What? N-no… You're a magic skeleton monster! I'm just… I'm just a boring human. I have zero redeeming qualities." You try to say what you want, but the thoughts and words weren't working together very well. Sans chuckled a little at the reference to your adventure but quickly sombered, knowing this was a serious conversation.

"Are you kidding me? I'm just a lazy bag of bones… you're kind, and beautiful and talented. I've done nothing to deserve you." He took both of your hands in his, leaning his forehead on yours. "I would do anything for you. I would walk to the ends of the Earth and back again."

"But that's so far…" You let a small smile grace your lips. He chuckles a little.

"I would walk to the moon and back for you, screw being a lazy bones." He dropped one of your hands to cup your cheek.

"Sans…"

"Nope. It's my turn to talk." He sat up and pulled you onto his lap, letting his hands rest around your waist. You put your head on his shoulder and let him continue. "When you fell into the Underground, you were so scared. You barely said anything when we first met. You were afraid of literally everything, but as you went along and befriended everyone, you opened up.

"I watched you become a shy little kid to a beautiful young woman in just a few months. I don't know when I fell in love with you." You gasped quietly but he kept talking, his only reaction was tightening his arms around your waist. "But I know when I confronted you in the judgment hall… all I wanted to do was scoop you up and hide you away. The thought of you fighting Asgore made me want to throw up… all the resets after you entered that damned throne room…" His expression darkened. "I wanted to destroy the king myself for hurting you.

"After we came to the surface, everyone was so busy settling down and fighting to get the monsters rights, there was no time to talk about dumb things like feelings and emotions. When you started coming to me when you had nightmares, I thought it was a blessing in disguise. I hated to see you in pain, but being able to hold you, to comfort you, it was a dream come true for me. Then you started having boy troubles a school, and that burning feeling returned. I wanted to destroy those boys the same way I wanted to destroy Asgore.

"But you were always so strong. You never let those assholes keep you down for long, and I was so proud of you. I figured, if you could do it, so could I. I brushed off the feelings of betrayal when Pap moved out, I brushed off the pain I felt whenever you talked about some human that wasn't worth your time.

"Do you remember the day you told me you liked me? We were all at Undyne and Alphys' new house for some kind of holiday. It was the first time since breaking the barrier everyone was together, and you looked so happy to see everyone. I remember seeing your eyes light up like stars, and I knew I would never love anyone else.

"You came up to me about halfway through the party, after everyone went outside to play some game. You were blushing and stuttering and it was the cutest damn thing I've ever seen in my whole life. I didn't realize what you said at first, and you started crying because I took so long to answer. You turned to leave, and I grabbed your wrist and I pulled you into a kiss.

"That day was the first happiest day of my existence, but every day with you after that topped it as the best day ever. I never would have guessed from just being friends how careful you are with your partner, how meticulous you are about making sure I feel good. I never would have known your heart beat slows when you fall into deep sleep. I never would have known these little things that made me love you a thousand times more.

"I know you go through rough spots, but the fact that you trust me to help you through them makes me feel something I've never felt before. You actually took over my shift because I just _didn't feel like it._ You have done nothing but care for me and love me from the second we met, and what have I done for you? That's why I don't deserve you…" He hesitates and finally falls silent. You look up and see tears running down his face. You always spilled your guts to him, but this is the first time he really opened up to you.

"Oh Sans… I love you so much." You finally manage to whisper. He started and looked at you with wide eye sockets.

"I-I love you too. I love you so much it hurts." He buried his face in your neck and let out a shaky laugh. You never realized you never actually told him you loved him. You showed it plenty, covering his shifts and making him meals and tucking him in when he collapses on the couch after a long day.

"Sans… I'm a little tired. Can we go to bed now?" You kissed him on the forehead and smiled as he sat up to look at you. His smile was wider than it has been in a long time. He scooped you up and pulled you onto the bed next to him.

You were in your favorite place, in Sans' arms. He fell asleep almost instantly, his soft snores filling you with love. You realize just how much you loved him, and the thought that he would choose anyone else made you tear up. Blinking away the tears, you kissed him on the corner of the mouth and snuggled into his chest.

He moved a little in his sleep and mumbled something before settling down again.

"…love ya babe…"

"I love you to Sansy." You smile and drift off to sleep yourself.

* * *

 **I think this is the first time in a long while I actually really, really adored a chapter I put out. I mean, I like the others. Otherwise I wouldn't post them, but this one… I dunno man. I just really, really love this.**

 **I really don't have any other notes for this chapter, other than thank you all!**

 **Also, everyone deserves love. Everyone deserves a second chance. No one is worthless, or pathetic, or useless. Everyone is important in their own way. If people are trying to convince you that you're bad or worthless or something, ignore them. Cut them from your life, because no one deserves those kind of people. Just remember that you're loved, and someone out there cares for you.**

 **Until next time!**

 **~Starlight**


	19. Grounded- self harm

You adjusted your sleeves, making sure the bandaging was covered completely. School had been getting more and more stressful, and you finally snapped. It wasn't too bad, just three or four cuts this time. You've had worse, from yourself and from your adventures Underground.

Sans knocked on the bathroom door, reminding you to eat breakfast before you leave. You were staying with Sans and his brother because as much as you loved Toriel, you couldn't stand being coddled and smothered.

You open the door and flick off the lights, adjusting your sleeves again out of habit. Sans was starting to walk away, but saw you fidget with your shirt. The lights in his eyes narrowed a fraction before he continues on his way.

Papyrus had made a simple breakfast this morning, no one really had time to eat anything fancy due to their schedules. You ate your eggs happily, the warmth welcome with the approaching winter. The brothers haven't quite understood the idea of using the central heating because they couldn't really feel the cold themselves.

Slinging your bag over your shoulder, you flinch a little as the strap catches on your arm. Sans made a noise but you rushed out the door before he could say anything. Maybe it was a mistake to live with Sans. You forgot how close attention he pays to everything.

School passed by in a blur, as it had been the past few weeks. Your lunch, so carefully prepared by Paps, tasted plain. Your mind drifting off in class more than ever. You were sure the teacher was going to scold you for day dreaming, but maybe they saw the look on your face and thought better of it. Either way, you were beyond happy when the final bell rang.

The walk home was awful, your exhaustion making you swerve on the sidewalk a little. By the time you threw the door open, your eyes were drifting shut. You tossed your bag by the door and called a faint hey to Papyrus before grabbing a blanket and curling up on the couch.

Even though the television was on, you fell asleep almost instantly. You didn't know why you were so tired lately, you had been going to bed at the same time and eating the same kind of food, but for some reason you were exhausted after coming home from school. You must have slept for a good two hours before the front door closing woke you up.

Sans gave you a guilty smile as you sat up to look at him, you rubbing your tired eyes with the back of your hand. He waved and picked up your bag with a smirk. He teleported it to your room, knowing both of you were too lazy to walk it up right then.

"Sorry to wake you up Kiddo." He came over and pushed your legs aside to make room on the couch for him to sit. You pick your legs up for the sole purpose of putting your feet on his lap after he sat down. He chuckled and pulled some of the blanket over his lap.

"How was work?" You were a little more awake now, arching your back and stretching. Your back popped loudly, making Sans cringe.

"Boring, as usual. I would ask how school was but…"

"It was boring, as usual." You said at the same time, smiling at each other. You settled back down into the couch and watched the TV in comfortable silence.

"Hey Kid… you'd tell me if something was bothering you, right?" Sans was looking straight ahead, at the TV, not at you, but his voice sounded like he was talking to a dangerous animal.

"Yeah, of course I would." You didn't let your guilt over lying seep into your tone.

"Like… if anything at all is botherin you… I'm always here for you. You can trust me with anything."

"I know Sans." You smile and bump his shoulder with your own, hoping to get him off this topic. He seemed to accept your answer and hummed quietly, settling back onto the couch. You were glad the conversation was over, but you had a sinking feeling he wasn't done with the topic completely.

* * *

"Why are you home so early, Human?" Papyrus – who still thought Human was a nickname for you – questioned as you walked thought the front door an hour after you left for the day. Your face was sticky with tears, and he instantly rushed to your side. "Oh my goodness! Please, tell the Great Papyrus what is bothering you so!"

"We h-had an assembly this morning… Alex k-killed himself last night…" Saying it out loud made your tears renew. You were never super close to Alex, but you did sit together at lunch when no one else would and he came over for dinner once or twice when you were paired together for a project last year.

Papyrus' face dropped from concerned to despondent. He opened his jaw as if to say something but closed it with a click. Instead, he just pulled you into his arms and let you cry into his shirt. It amused you at first, seeing the skeletons in such casual clothing, but now it was normal for you.

You cried into him shoulder for what felt like hours, muttering random things.

"If I was a better friend, if I had bothered getting to know him more… maybe I could have saved him… but I didn't and now he's gone forever… It's my fault he's gone… I should have been a better friend…" You were rambling, you knew that, but it felt good to get it out of your system.

"It is not your fault, dear one. There was no way you could have known what Alex was going to do. You cannot blame yourself for this." Papyrus comforted you, rubbing your back as your breathing finally returned to normal. "Go sit on the couch. I will make you something hot to drink."

You do as he says, numb. You sit on the couch, not really feeling the cold biting into your toes. Your last conversation with Alex played through your head.

 _"You can't keep doing this to yourself."_

 _"I know Alex… but it helps…"_

 _"I know it does but… there are people who care about you." He put extra emphasis on 'you'._

 _"People care about you too Alex."_

 _"Hehe I suppose…." He hugged you tight, gently holding your wrist so you knew he wasn't mad at you._

Two days later, Alex was dead. If he had waited one more week, one more day even, you might have gotten close enough to him to save him…

Papyrus handed you a hot mug, snapping you from your flashback. His face was still somber, but he tried to smile for your sake.

"I have called Sans, for I know how much he comforts you." He did what he thought was best, but Sans was the last person - or monster - you wanted to deal with right now. You placed your mug aside and ran up to your room, slamming and locking the door.

You didn't want to cut, but the urge was just too strong. You managed to make two whole cuts before a strong hand gripped your wrist painfully. You turn frantically and come face to face with two dark eye sockets and a terrifying grin.

"Don't worry Sans… everything is fine Sans… I trust you Sans…" He ground out the words in a sick impersonation of you.

"S-sans…" Your voice was as watery as your eyes.

"You think _this_ is nothing?" He lifted your wrist to your face, his own boney fingers covered in crimson.

"I… I-"

"I can't believe you! I can't believe you didn't trust m-me!" A tear dripped down his cheek but he angrily wiped it away with his free hand. "I THOUGHT YOU TRUSTED ME! I TRUSTED YOU!"

"S-sans you're hurting me…" You whimpered, genuinely afraid. He let go with a jerk and stood up. With the flick of a wrist, your blade was gone. Looking up, you realized your door was gone too. You went from sad, to afraid, to angry.

"This is for your own good, Kiddo." He stood on the other side of the door, out in the hallway, his left eye glowing blue. You tried reaching out to him only to have your hand meet an invisible door. You stared at him incredulously. "You're under house arrest Kiddo. No leaving your rom unless to go to the bathroom. We'll bring you meals."

"S-sans I'm sorry." You tried to reason with him, but the barrier didn't budge, and neither did the skeleton. His eyes were dark as the night and his grin anything but lighthearted.

"I'll bring you some lunch and bandage your arms. Don't try to escape." He turned on his heel and walked away, not listening to your blubbering. How had this day gone so wrong… first Alex and now Sans…

A sob ripped its way from your throat. Rushing to your bed, you curled up under the covers, not caring if the blood smeared on your sheets. You thought you had cried yourself out after finding out about Alex, but you were wrong.

You heard voices from downstairs, and you strained your ears to hear them.

"I am worried brother… did you now hear what happened today?" That was Papyrus, no doubt. You couldn't hear Sans' response, but you heard dished clinking together. "Her friend Alex, the one that came for dinner that one time? He had killed himself. That is why she came home upset…"

"What?" You could hear Sans' response now.

"I cannot understand why she would hurt herself, but I can understand why she would be in great emotional distress." More mumbling from Sans, then footsteps. You buried your head under your pillow and hoped Sans would leave you alone.

A soft blue glowing filled the room as the force field was taken down. A weight sat on the bed, jostling you.

"Sit up Kid." Sans' voice was softer now. You sat up, not wanting to upset him anymore. He took your arm and wiped it down with a wet cloth before wrapping some gauze around the wounds. When he was finished, he handed you a plate with a grilled cheese and cucumber slices. "Eat up. Papyrus made you your favorite."

"Am I still grounded?" Your voice was weak from crying. You didn't want him to know you were afraid of him.

"Yeah. At least until we know you're not a threat to yourself…"

"Please… I want to go to school…"

"The school called about an hour ago. The counselor said you had a week grace due to the tragedy. I figured you wouldn't want to talk to a human, so I called Alphys over. She'll stop by tomorrow after breakfast, and you're going to talk to her about all this." You could hear the bitterness in his voice.

"I don't wanna talk to Alphys…" You muttered though a bite of grilled cheese.

"Well you obviously don't want to talk to _me_ so I don't know what to tell you." His voice hardened and you felt a thousand times guiltier.

"I'm sorry…" You whimper, tears threatening to spill over again. He sighs next to you and slumps his shoulders.

"So am I kid… so am I." He took your empty plate and stood, his knees popping with the motion. Sans walked out of the room, letting his eye flare blue as a sheen covered the empty doorframe again. He finally looked at you, making a choking noise in the back of his throat. "I'm doing this because I love you. You understand that right?"

You hesitate, which causes Sans' shoulders to slump even more, before nodding slightly. He nodded back, showing he saw you and turned away.

* * *

You woke up the next morning to a knock on the front door. It was amazing how much you could hear without your door there blocking the noises out. A stuttering hello told you Alphys was here. Dread pooled in your stomach, and you hoped burying your face in the sheets would make them think you were still asleep and leave you alone.

Someone knocked on the doorframe and the blue glow told you the wall was gone from the doorframe. Someone sat on the edge of the bed, but you ignored them. You could tell it wasn't Sans or Papyrus, and that left one person.

"L-look I, um… I know this isn't the e-easiest thing to t-t-talk about but… y-you really have to every o-once in a while… and um… I, um, k-kinda know what y-you're f-f-feeling so…"

"I don't want to talk." Your voice was muffled by the sheets. Alphys sighed and placed a hand on your arm.

"Y-yeah… I figured you w-wouldn't but, um, you kinda h-have too."

"What's there to talk about? My friend killed himself and I could have prevented it. I cut myself and Sans found out, now I'm grounded. There, can I go back to sleep?"

"Um… t-that's a good start? But it's n-not enough to r-r-really um… help you. Let's s-start with your f-friend?" Man, she was good at this, wasn't she?

"My friend Alex? He killed himself… and if I had been a better friend I would have been able to save him, but I wasn't a good enough friend. He never told me anything was wrong… he had just found out about my cuts and then he went and left me…"

"S-so you feel betrayed?"

"Yeah… If he had just given me one more week… I might have been able to talk him out of it. I might have been able to help him, but now it's too late. He shot himself in the head and left me alone…"

"D-do you um… really feel a-alone?"

"I don't have any friends at school. I'm not very good at talking to strangers, so I never made any friends. I only knew Alex because we sat together at lunch when all the tables were full."

"Is this w-what sparked you to h-h-hurt yourself?"

"Yeah, I suppose. It just… helped me think clearer." You sat up more, leaning up against the wall. You looked at Alphys for the first time and saw she didn't look nervous like she normally did. She was in her element now.

"N-now, why did you p-p-push Sans, um… Sans away?"

"I didn't want to disappoint him… He always treated me with respect. He didn't treat me like a child, like Toriel did. I love Toriel, I really do, but Sans treated me like a peer, not a kid. But I ruined that, didn't I? Now he'll never respect me. He'll never trust me again…"

"Maybe you should… erm… try t-talking to him? I, um… it took a l-long time for me to open up t-t-to Undyne, b-but after I felt so m-much better… about m-myself."

"He hates me now…" You finally let the tears flow again. You honestly thought he hated you now, and the thought made your chest hurt.

"W-what? No! N-no he doesn't h-h-ate you! The opposite r-really. He, um… he's d-doing this because you s-scared him… he t-thought, um… thought you were g-going to k-k-kill yourself too…"

You never knew Sans felt that way… You suddenly felt awful for making him so afraid. You pulled your knees up to your chest and buried your face in your knees.

"How can I make it up to him?"

"Well, you can promise me you won't do that to yourself anymore." Sans was leaning against the doorframe, the lights in his eyes soft and his grin almost guilty.

"I…" You didn't think you could make a promise like that, and he must have picked up on your internal conflict.

"How about this kid, promise to come talk to me whenever you feel like doing that again."

"O-okay. I promise." You figured you would be able to keep that promise.

"See? That w-w-wasn't so bad, w-was it?" Alphys was smiling warmly at you, and you couldn't help but smile back.

She said her farewells a little while later and left, the silence slightly deafening. You were left sitting on your bed, the barrier on the door down.

"Don't ever scare me like that again…" Sans was sitting next to you on your bed.

"I'm sorry…"

"So am I. I overreacted but… I don't know what I would have done if anything happened to you." He let out a shaky sigh and you wrapped your arms around him in an awkward but loving hug.

"I'm sorry Sans."

"I love you Kiddo. You can't leave me like that."

"I won't Sans. I love you too." You smiled at him and kissed his forehead. He grinned back and tickled your side a little, letting you know everything was okay between you two again.

* * *

 **I feel good about this one too! I also feel good about update twice already tis break! I'm keeping up with the every other day thing. I'm starting to chip off some of the requests, but it's still taking a long time. Thanks everyone for the support!**

 **I know I keep writing the reader as a girl, but since I am too a girl, I relate best with a girl reader. I have some chapters where the reader will be a boy, and more where the reader will have no gender, but I implore you be patient with me and don't get too upset that I keep making the reader a girl.**

 **It also seems like the feedback is starting to wane a little. If there is anything I can change, let me know. I'm always looking for ways to improve my writing!**

 **Until next time!**

 **~Starlight**


	20. Mirrored Emotions- suicide

You were sitting in Waterfall, your feet in the pool of water. You splashed a little, watching the ripples distort your reflection.

You hated this feeling of heaviness in your chest.

You splashes again, letting your mind wonder for a moment. You heard footsteps behind you and you sigh, knowing your alone time was over for now. Sans came over and sat next to you, setting his slippers to the side and dipping his bones into the water.

"You were looking a like _bone-_ ly sitting over here all alone, so I thought I would spend some time with my favorite human."

"Sans you've used that pun at least a thousand times already…"

"But you still smile every time I use it." Sans' voice was laughing, even if his face was the same as always. You grin ruefully. He caught you.

"Yeah, I do…"

"So Kiddo, what seems to have you down in the dumps today?" He tried sounding casual, but still had a slight "dad" tone in his voice. You cringed a little, realizing that you worried him with your behavior again.

"Nothing really. Just needed some me-time." You say it lightly, hoping he won't press you for details.

"You've seemed pretty down lately. Just wanted to make sure everything was okay with you." He smiled and ruffled your hair. You can't hold back a small giggle.

"What could be wrong? Everything is literally perfect. I have a loving family, friends that care about me, food and shelter. I even have a job at Grillby's if I ever feel the need to work. I have all the education I could want at the fingertips. I have everything a girl could as for…" Why were you crying? Why wouldn't the tears _stop_?

"But something's still missing, am I right?" Sans just pulled a napkin from his hoodie pocket and handed it to you, as if bursting into tears was a normal thing.

"But I don't know what. I feel like there's a hole in my chest, but I don't know why!"

"Let me go out on a limb here, kid. Sometimes your chest hurts, but sometimes it's really numb, right? And when someone makes certain offhand comments, you want to throw up?" His eye sockets had gone dark, and you were afraid. You were afraid because he was exactly right, and that meant he knew exactly what was going on with you.

"Sans…" You didn't want him to feel this way.

"But hey! I'm just guessing. I could be way off." His grin was back to normal, his eye lights as bright as ever. He started kicking his feet with what seemed to be forced happiness.

"Erm… kinda." His eye sockets narrowed so marginally, you weren't sure if you just imagined it all together.

"Hmm that sounds like quite the predicament Kiddo." He stood, his knees cracking. He chuckled at the sounds and grabbed his slippers. "I'm getting' too old for this."

"You don't age Sans." You didn't stand. You kept gently splashing in the water.

"Oh yeah. Forgot about that." He chuckled again and started walking away. "Don't be late for dinner Kid. Pap'll burst a brain vessel if we miss another 'family dinner'…"

"Don't worry. I'll head home soon." You heard him whistle as he walked away, the tune getting softer and more out of tune the farther away he got.

You sighed, the feeling in your chest growing more painful. You didn't want to admit it, but part of you wanted to end this. You deserved it, anyway. You were ungrateful. And lazy. And sloppy. And stupid. And worthless and pathetic and unlovable and a waste of space and-

You cut off your train of thought, not wanting to revisit that bad place again. You stood and scooped up your sneakers, not wanting to put the shoes on while your feet were still wet. Not caring if you cut the bottom of your feet, you made your way back to Snowdin.

* * *

Papyrus had tried something new today. He knew how much you and Sans adored the burgers at Grilby's, but couldn't stand the taste of them himself, so he decided to compromise. He found a human cookbook a few weeks ago in the dump and decided to improve his cooking skills to surprise Undyne. At this rate, you expect the fish soldier to be coming over to take lessons from Papyrus in no time at all.

He had tried making his own versions of hamburgers, but with special meat. You took a bite and would have put your money on turkey, but you had no idea where he would have gotten turkey meat from, and honestly didn't want to find out.

Dinner was a silent affair, Papyrus the only one trying to make any conversation. Sans was the first to excuse himself, placing his half-eaten burger on the counter and grabbing a water bottle from the fridge before going up to his room.

Papyrus tried starting another conversation, but your heart just wasn't in it. He gave up with a sigh and placed his empty plate in the sink.

"If you ever need a friend to listen to you, dear Human. Please. My door is always open to you." He left the house, slightly more dejected than usual. You felt the guilt drive a stake through your heart as you stared at your plate. There was no way you could eat anymore right now.

Following Sans' suit, you placed your plate on the counter and went to the room they added onto the house when you decided to stay in Snowdin,

It wasn't anything big or extravagant. It was a simple bed, pushed up against the wall, a desk and a closet with a mirror bolted to the door. You lay on your bed, not sure why you were so tired and _sad_ all of a sudden.

You let a few tears escape before you burry your head in your pillow and sob. You found yourself crying into your pillow most nights, just letting the emotions out in the least harmful way possible.

Why were you feeling this way? You gave a frustrated scream and punch the mattress.

"You okay in there kid?" Sans knocked on your door gently. You wanted to scream at him to leave you alone, or tell him everything is fine, but all you can do is let out a choked sob. He took it as a cue to come in and looked at you with a sad expression. "Oh Kiddo…"

Sans walked over to the bed and wrapped his arms around you. He held you close to his chest, letting you cry into his jacket. You were so thankful that he didn't push you to talk about what was wrong, because you weren't sure what you would have told him.

You found yourself drifting off, and you really hoped you would be able to sleep through the night for once. Just as you fell asleep, you barely caught what Sans said.

"Don't leave me…"

* * *

When you woke up, the bed was empty. The blankets were cold, making it clear Sans had left long, long ago. His unusual warmth usually kept the blankets warm for hours.

Stretching and groaning a little, you swung your legs over the edge of the mattress. The floor was cold, making you scramble for your socks. You slipped on a sweatshirt and rubbed your eyes sleepily.

Heading to the kitchen, you saw Undyne snoozing on the couch. You raised a questioning eyebrow and looked at Papyrus, who was sitting at the kitchen table.

"Good morning dear Human. Oh, Undyne?" He chuckled tiredly. "She, erm, burnt her house down again and asked to 'crash' on the couch for the night."

"Did you get any sleep last night Pap?" You were concerned for your friend's health. Somehow, it seemed like he had dark shadows on the bone under his eye sockets.

"Erm… a little bit? But someone a great as I does not sleep!" He tried to pick up his chipper tone, but it was obvious he was exhausted.

"Papyrus, is something wrong?" You sat across from him, whispering so as not to wake your house guest.

"I… I am worried for my brother, Human. He… used to act like this long ago, back when he worked in the labs with Alphys. He-" Papyrus started tearing up. It scared you to see the usually outgoing skeleton cry. "He was not good to himself, back then.

"He would sleep all day, or cry. He wouldn't eat anything or leave the house. He wouldn't respond to the puns I made, not even a smile. One day… he just left the house and walked to Hotlands. I followed him, ever vigilant and caring.

"He… oh goodness Human." Big, hot tears plopped onto the wooden table. "M-my brother tried to throw himself into the lava… I just barely made it in time to save h-him…"

Papyrus was quietly crying, the thought of what might have happened too much for the poor skeleton. You were staring at him in fear. Sans tried to…?

"Hey punk. Stop crying… you saved him and now everything's okay." Undyne had woken up and moved to comfort her friend.

"I know Undyne but… he's starting to act like that again and I'm so afraid… I do not know what I would do if my brother left me…" Papyrus wiped his tears away and sighed heavily. What he said reminded you of what Sans said to you right as you fell asleep. _Don't leave me…_

"We'll keep an eye on him, won't we punk?" Undyne was addressing you this time. You nodded solemnly, afraid for your best friend.

"Papyrus… did he ever say what made him feel that way?" You dreaded the answer.

"He said there was no reason, that he just felt sad all the time." That's what you were afraid of… that means he went through what you're going through.

He's going through what you're going through.

You needed to find him, but how would you talk to him about it?

* * *

Sans was walking through Waterfall, watching the bridge flowers float through the currents. He let his eye lights fade and let out a sigh.

The fact the human was feeling these things… the thought made his chest ache. No one should feel this way. His thoughts drifted back to when Papyrus found out he was suicidal… He flinched at the word, _suicidal._ It took him months to admit he had a problem.

 _"Brother! Please! Oh god Sans please step away from the edge!" Papyrus ran at his brother at full force, but he was still afraid he wouldn't make it in time. Sans turned around to face his brother with the deadest expression Papyrus had ever seen._

 _"Go away Pap… Let me do this." Sans' voice was hollow. A blue tear dripped onto the ground and fizzled as it struck the hot ground._

 _"There is no way I'm going to let you do this! You cannot leave me brother! You're all I have left…" Papyrus' voice dwindled, his fear closing his throat._

 _"I'm sorry Pap…" Sans turned back towards the edge of the walkway. He took a step and let himself fall, only to be caught by dark blue magic._

 _Papyrus had one arm outstretched, his own magic surrounding his hand. Sans went limp, knowing it was too late. There was no way Papyrus would let him die…_

 _Let him kill himself._

 _Papyrus lifted his brother back onto the platform and gently dropped him onto the ground. Sans was sobbing, trying to crawl back over to the edge of the walkway. Papyrus trapped his brother in place with his magic._

 _"Bro… bro please…. Papyrus… I need this. I can't do this anymore… p-please let me go…" Sans was inconsolable, sobbing and mumbling incoherently._

 _"Oh brother… I will never let you go." Papyrus knelt next to Sans and wrapped his long arms around his brother, holding him close to his chest. "You are all I have left…"_

 _Sans cried himself out then, falling asleep in his brother's arms. When he woke up again, he was in Pap's racecar bed, wrapped up tight in the blankets. Papyrus didn't let the shorter skeleton out of his sight for even a second for several weeks, and even after that Sans was constantly surrounded by people. He wasn't allowed to be alone for months._

Sans shook his head like a dog, trying to clear the thoughts rattling around in his skull. Maybe he should just sit you down and start talking.

He sighed again. He wasn't meant for this kind of thing. Sans looked over the edge of the water and saw the waterfall, wondering how painful it would be to get swept away in the currents and be slammed into the rocks below.

Sans pulled away and wiped his face with the back of his hand. No… no more of that. He teleported back home to see you, Papyrus and Undyne sitting at the kitchen table, looking grim. He pasted a smile to his face and walked over to the group.

"Why the long faces?" He said with practiced ease.

"Sans…" Papyrus sounded as if he was talking to some poisonous animal.

"That's my name, don't wear it out." He made a _ba-dum tiss_ with his mouth as he rummaged through the fridge.

"Are you going to try to kill yourself again?" Everyone froze. Sans' hand was out, reaching for a can of soda. You, staring at Sans intensely. Undyne, looking anywhere but the shorter skeleton. Papyrus, eyes tearing up again.

"Pap…"

"Please brother, do not coddle me about this. I am worried about your safety." The kitchen went silent. Sans held the can so tight, the metal caved under his fingers. He gave a shuddering laugh and looked at you, his eye sockets dark.

"Why don't you ask our dear friend here." He used his powers to pull you close.

 _"Are you gonna off yourself kid?"_ The silence was painful.

"Human…"

"Punk…" Papyrus and Undyne looked at you, both with looks of absolute betrayal. You couldn't look anyone in the eye without wanting to throw up.

"Sans that's ridiculous." If only your voice was as strong as your alibi. He looked slightly shocked that he threw you under the bus like that. With an apologetic smile, he teleported away, leaving you in the kitchen with two worried monsters.

"Human, what did Sans mean by that?" Papyrus sounded like a child begging for the existence of Santa to be confirmed.

"Erm…" You fidgeted with the sleeves of your shirt, giggling hysterically. "N-nothing Pap…"

"Human. If you are having thought of ending your own life, you must tell me right now." Papyrus had never sounded so serious in the entire time you had known him.

"I…" You didn't know what to say. "I would never act on the thoughts, if that counts for anything." You couldn't face them, they were sure to be disappointed in you.

"Oh human…" Papyrus sounded close to tears. He pulled you into a hug and cried into your shoulder. You managed to keep your composure until a scaly arm wrapped around you too, extra salty tears dripping into your hair.

You lost it. You began to sob. The weight in your chest felt like it was on fire but you felt something else. You felt… relieved.

"I'm sorry guys…" You mutter.

"Don't be punk. Just as long as you stay here with all of us."

* * *

Sans was sitting in his room, door locked tight. He was sitting on the bed, knees pulled up to his chest, rocking back and forward trying to keep his composure.

"That can't happen again… not again…" He was whispering to the empty room. He couldn't do it.

It wasn't as bad as before, that much was certain. He wasn't about to throw himself into the lava just yet, but this was definitely on the right track. He shuttered at the thought and let more tears leak down his face.

He never wanted to feel this way again. He was getting better… he was BETTER! But not enough apparently… his head was throbbing but he couldn't leave his room to get painkillers because he would be cornered again.

He could hear a conversation from downstairs. They must have cornered you and made you talk, just like they did with him.

Sans shook his head, pitying everyone right now. No one was in a good position.

"Sans?" A knock came from the door. Sans looked over at the door and saw your toes peeking through the bottom of the door. He made sure the door was locked and hid his face under his pillow.

"Go away Kiddo." His voice was muffled.

"Please open the door… I really need to talk to someone…"

"Find Papyrus."

"I need to talk to you." You were persistent, he would give you that. Determined, to say the least.

"…Fine." He unlocked the door with a hesitant wave of a hand. You heard the click and opened the door. You saw him curled up on the bed, hiding under his pillow. You made your way over to the bed and sat on the edge of the mattress before moving to lay next to him.

Sans moved a little, and seemed surprised to see you next to him.

"How long did you know?" You asked, knowing he would understand.

"A while, I guess… as soon as you started acting off I knew something was wrong."

"Why didn't you say anything before?"

"I would have had to admit I went through the same thing."

You were silent for a moment, just listening to the sounds of you and Sans' breathing. It was nice, the bed was warm and you were just comfortable next to him, but you had to push on.

"Do you regret it?"

"Regret trying to do it? Or regret not succeeding?"

"Both?" You weren't sure which answer you were more afraid to hear.

"Part of me regrets ever putting Pap through that, but the other part of me wishes he had been a minute later…"

"What triggered it?" You were afraid of pushing the boundaries, but you couldn't keep the words in.

"I guess it just was all piled on me… Pap calling me lazy all the time when I honestly couldn't get the motivation to move. Grillby kept trying to make me talk, and even though they were trying to be helpful, everyone kept smothering me… I just snapped one day. I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to make it all stop, so I picked the quickest way to go. Lava. Without Pap, I wouldn't be here right now… I would have killed myself years ago without him…"

"Would they be upset if I died?" Your voice was so soft, you could barely hear it yourself. He sat up quickly and looked at you incredulously.

"Upset? Kid they would be devastated!" He looked at you until you had to look away. "Papyrus, Alphys, Toriel… me. Where would we be without you? I don't…"

"Sans are you-?" You saw tears running down his face.

"I don't know if I would be able to keep my promise to Pap if you went and offed yourself. I don't think I could manage someone I loved killing themselves…"

You wrap your arms around him and let him cry into your shoulder.

"Man… we're all just a bunch of crybabies tonight." You say with a watery chuckle. He laughed too, sniffling more than laughing but the idea was there.

"What's with it with us wanting to off ourselves?"

"We're all kinds of messed up." You smile at Sans and watch his small smile fade away.

"Yeah… we are, aren't we...?"

"What are we going to do now?" You didn't know what was going to happen.

"I guess we just… live. We learn cope and keep going…" Sans sighed and lied down on his back, staring at the ceiling.

"Keep living… That sound tough." You wanted to cry again. His hand found yours and gave it a light squeeze.

"Yeah well… we have each other, and Pap, and everyone else I guess. We're not alone."

"Not alone…" You said, more to yourself than to Sans.

"Yep." He smiled at you, this time more genuine. "We're not alone anymore."

* * *

 **So this'll be the last update before Christmas. It's not as good at the last two updates, but the idea that Sans is suicidal really struck a chord with me for some reason.**

 **Being suicidal is beyond scary. It's in my top five scariest things to experience, a full out panic attack at number one. If someone you know makes offhand comments about ending their lives, maybe you should listen a little harder. You never know who's hiding hurt behind jokes.**

 **Merry Christmas, happy Yule, happy holidays! I hope you have a wonderful holiday break, get to spend some quality time with your family and get that thing you've always wanted.**

 **Until next time!**

 **~Starlight**


	21. Late Night- panic attack

"Sans?" You knock on his door gently, so as not to wake Papyrus in the other room. You heard rustling behind the door and waited for it to open. You had woken him up, that much was clear. He was wearing boxers with pink and blue hearts on them and a wrinkly white t-shirt. He yawned widely and rubbed his eye.

"Kid? What's up?" His voice had that cute, sleepy puppy tone to it, but you couldn't focus on that now.

"It's getting bad again…" You felt the tears threatening to spill again. You had spent the last ten minutes crying on their couch, desperately trying to pull yourself together. His eye sockets widened and opened the door wider for you to come in.

He pulled you over to his bed and sat you down, wrapping his blanket around your shoulders like he knew you liked it.

"Come on kid, spill. What triggered it?" He spoke in a soft voice, trying to calm you down. You shook your head violently.

"I don't- I don't now I- I- I just started feeling this way and- and- I don't know!" You were babbling, your words coming out faster than your brain could process them. Sans pulled you into his chest, letting you bury your face in his shirt as he rubbed your back.

You could feel your breathing pick up. You knew where this was going. Your head started feeling fuzzy and the tears just kept coming. You vaguely realized you were shaking, but the screaming in your head was more obvious.

Sans was talking to you, but you really couldn't make out what he was saying. You were choking, your lungs had stopped working. Your limited vision was starting to blur around the edges. Your ears were filled with cotton. It felt like you were underwater, not able to think or breathe or-

"Come on kiddo. You have to breathe…" Sans' voice filtered through your haze.

You felt pressure in your skull, like an overfilled balloon, like it could pop off and float away. You were babbling again, but you couldn't breathe. His hand found yours and the feeling of bones on skin drew your attention from the heartbeat that seemed to be drowning out all other sounds, to the calming sound of Sans' deep, rumbling voice.

"Breathe… in and out… that's right Kid. Come one just keep breathing. I'm here for you. Keep breathing… not too fast. Long breaths kid. Focus on my voice… that's right. You're doing so well. In and out…" His hand never stopped rubbing your back, and you could feel your breathing calm down. The pressure in your head faded and you were able to see a little more clearly.

"I'm fine now… thanks." You pull away, and he lets you sit a few inches from him on the mattress. You wiped your tears on your shirt and gave yourself a few seconds to collect your thoughts, which was difficult at that time.

"Have they always been this bad?" Sans asked with a sad chuckle. He had talked you through dozens of panic attacks, but they seemed to be getting worse…

"I dunno… I don't think so." You sounded tired.

"Jeez kid…" He trailed off, yawning again. "You're feeling that way again, huh?"

"Yeah…" He was the only one who knew about your depression. He saw you through your toughest times. Through the days where you couldn't leave your bed, through a suicide attempt, through most of your panic attacks, through your recovery. "I don't know why. I've been doing so well for so long, but all of a sudden my chest feels tight all the time and I start staring into space, not thinking or feeling anything…"

"Anymore of… those thoughts?" He was never very suave when it came to this matter. You didn't want to answer, but you couldn't lie to him. He would see right through you the second the lie left your lips.

"A little." You were timid, afraid he was going to be disappointed in you. He sighed sadly and pulled you close to him again. You welcomed the friendly warmth.

"You're gonna have to explain with a little more detail Kiddo."

"They're not active thoughts… not like before." You looked at your hands, clenched together in your lap. "More like… I wonder what it would be like not to exist anymore. I feel numb… and wonder what it would be like to just stop… being."

"You know I'm going to search through your things again, right." He sounded resigned, but then again so did you.

"Yeah I know. There's nothing there though."

"I trust you kid, but it'll put my soul at ease." He smiled at you, and you felt the tension melt from you.

"Sans…" You felt the tears build up again. "I don't want to go through this again."

"Shhhh don't worry kid. I'm here for you. I'll always be here for you. We'll get through this together, just like last time, right kid?" He pulled you into another hug, this one more calm. You hesitated before nodding gently.

"I'm scared." Your words were barely a whisper, but they seemed to echo through the dark room. You heard Papyrus snort in his sleep, but heard nothing from the skeleton sitting right next to you. You glance over at him, afraid of his reaction. The lights were gone in his eyes, and he looked down at his carpet forlornly.

"Me too kid. Me too, but… I have you to keep my head on straight." He finally looked at him, the soft lights back. You smiled back, just as soft.

"Yeah… you got me."

* * *

 **I know it isn't much. This is literally one of the shortest chapters I've ever written for any of my stories, but I needed to get some feelings and crud out. I don't know why, but for some reason I feel myself slipping back into that dark place again… so I made Frisk deal with my problems.**

 **I've also gotten a few requests for Sans helping you through a panic attack, so I tried to make it at close to how it was for me. I'm not sure it that's what it likes for everyone, or if I actually got it right in any way, but I tried.**

 **I'm working on the final chapter of** **Purify the Timelines** **, which is my other Undertale story, and I'm hoping to write a final chapter for** **Hidden Angel** **, which is a Rev!Kevedd story. (For anyone who doesn't know what that means, it's Double D and Kevin from Ed, Edd and Eddy, but reversed… so like Edd is the cool guy and Kevin is the nerd.)**

 **I'm sorry for the crappy update, but hopefully as soon as I shake this funk I'll be able to write something not awful.**

 **Until next time!**

 **~Starlight**


	22. Pappy's Mask- depression

"The Great Papyrus would never let such a thing put him in a foul mood!" Papyrus said into his phone, his voice a little louder than usual to mask his disappointment. Mettaton had to cancel their date. Again.

"I'm so sorry Pappy. You know I hate doing this, but there was an issue at the Glamburger stand that I have to sort out before my awful employee finally gets the guts to quit. As much as he bothers me, training another would be even more bothersome."

"I understand, dear Mettaton. I do hope everything works out with Burgerpants! Call me when you are free, okay?"

"But of course darling! I wouldn't want to call anyone else!" Mettaton made a kissy noise into the phone and hung up, leaving Papyrus alone in his room, dressed in his best date clothes and no place to go. He sighed and sat on his racecar bed, trying to keep the tears from overflowing.

It had been getting harder and harder to keep his happy persona up. He only let it down around Mettaton and Sans. Papyrus tried to stay positive for everyone, especially the human, who frequently seemed on the edge of tears.

Papyrus decided sitting around in his date clothes, waiting for Mettaton to be free was a bad idea, so he went into his closet to find something more comfortable. He skipped over his battle body, because why would he dress up if he wasn't going to leave the house?

He looked through various shirts and jackets and pants, when something grabbed his attention. He hadn't worn this sweatshirt in years, and Papyrus vaguely remembered how comfortable it was. He slipped the orange hoodie from the hanger and changed, leaving his date clothes on the bed. It was instant, the comfort he felt after slipping the jacket on.

Papyrus felt something in his pocket and reached in, curious and slightly confused. He knew it had been a while, but he didn't remember leaving anything in the pocket. He pulled out a small rectangular box. Papyrus grimaced before grinning fondly at the cigarettes.

"Papyrus!" You just got home, and you really hoped you made it back before he left for his date. You had a story to tell him from school that day. Toriel made sure to educate you for several years after breaking the barrier, but insisted on sending you to public high school. She said you needed to interact with your own kind. It was finally your senior year, finally done with public school.

Papyrus quickly shoved the box back into his pocket and smiled wide before opening his door and running down the stairs to meet you. He scooped you up and spun you around.

"Welcome home dearest Human! How was school today?" He hugged you tight, not acknowledging that you were fully grown and no longer the size or weight of a child. He was surprisingly strong for being literal bones.

"You'll never guess what happened!" You were finally put down and you pulled him into the kitchen. He laughed at your enthusiasm and followed, sitting on the counter while you sat on the table. That was one of the only things you did that actually annoyed Sans.

"Do not leave me hanging! What happened?"

"So do you remember Susan?" You started. Papyrus nodded, remembering the girl from the last party you held at the house. "Well, Susan's had a crush on Brad for _months_ , but she was always too shy to ask him out! So we were in the lunch room, and Susan usually sits by the window with Taylor but today she walked right over to Brad and his friends! _Charlotte_ was sitting with him again – she never got the hint that Brad didn't like her – but Brad completely ignored her when Susan walked up.

"Anyway, Susan went over to Brad and said 'I challenge you to a puzzle!' and handed him a piece of paper. By that point, the whole lunch room was watching them. Poor girl was shaking, but she looked so determined. She gave him a _junior jumble_ that she made herself! It was so amazing! After he solved it, like, it was the kind of thing where certain letters are circled and after you solve it you put the circle letter on the line.

"The sentence at the end was 'will you go out with me' and… BRAD SAID YES!" You squeal with joy. This had been the talk of the school. Half of everyone knew Susan liked Brad, and the other half of everybody knew Brad like Susan.

"NYEH HEH HEH of course the Junior Jumble was the best course of action!" Papyrus' smile wasn't quite as forced as before. He had been following Susan's crush for months now, and really was happy that everything had worked out.

"Anyway, I'm going over Susan's house to help her pick out an outfit. Ever since Mettaton started giving me fashion advice, everyone wants help for their dates! Oh, speaking of dates… I thought you had one today?" You finally noticed his outfit. Papyrus gave a faint chuckle.

"Yes, but dear Mettaton had to… reschedule for another day, so I am spending the day relaxing!"

"About time! You never seen to take a break!" You hop off the table and hug Papyrus. "But be careful! You don't want to end up like Sans."

You both laugh at the comparison, because even though Sans does have a job, when he has time off he literally does not move from the couch. You waved goodbye and jogged out the door. As the door clicked shut behind you, Papyrus felt his smile slip again. He had managed to put the cancelled date out of his head for a little while, but he suddenly felt it a thousand times worse.

He tried not to be a clingy skeleton. He tried to be forgiving and kind, but sometimes it was just too much. Holding a smile and making sure everyone else came first… it really took its toll on the poor monster. He gave a singular sad chuckle and hopped off the counter.

Checking the clock, he saw that his brother wouldn't be home for about an hour and a half. Papyrus rummaged through the fridge and found one of the bottles Undyne stashed in the back after a game night a week or two ago.

Now, while monsters cannot get drunk the way humans can, the ethanol certainly gives them a nice buzz. It always amused the group how particular their tastes were at the beginning, but as soon as they got going it didn't matter what they drank. Sans was always for shots, but Undyne – surprisingly –preferred the fruity wine coolers over anything hard.

Papyrus smiled at the strawberry whatever in his hand and popped the cap off. Moving to the living room, Papyrus plopped down on the couch and flicked on the television. He would normally watch Mettaton's show, but as soon as he saw the robot, he felt a twinge in his chest. He was never a bitter monster, but he was always a lonely monster.

He changed the channel until he found some cheesy comedy to watch. He sipped the cold drink and instantly felt a little better. The clock chimed, marking the hour. Sans would be back in half an hour, which was plenty of time to finish this and hide it so his brother didn't worry about him.

After ten minutes Papyrus remembered why he didn't drink often. It made him very sleepy and if he drank enough it made him boarder line depressed. He sipped the last few drops of the sweet drink and sighed, his eyes drooping.

Next thing he knew, the front door was opening and closing with a sight slam. Papyrus opened his eyes and blinked wearily. Sans was standing in front of him, looking concerned. He realized he was still in his lazy sweatshirt, with the empty bottle in his hand.

"Feelin that way again, huh Bro…" It wasn't a question. Papyrus nodded and Sans sat down next to him. The brothers sat in silence for a few minutes, both trying to gather their thoughts.

"I am sorry brother. I will go make you some lunch. I am sure you are quite hungry." Papyrus stood and went into the kitchen. He tossed the empty bottle into the trash can and rummaged through the fridge again, puling out some things to make a late lunch for the two of them. Sans entered the kitchen and sat at the table, yawning slightly.

"Was it Mettaton?" Sans really didn't need an answer, he knew already, but Papyrus nodded anyway. "You know bro, I'm here for you now. I'm not going to be locked in a lab anymore…"

"Brother, you and I both know Alphys practically begged you to join her in her studies as soon as we made it to the surface. And we both know you want to take her offer, but won't. Why you won't, though… that's what I don't know." Papyrus got to work, making something both of the skeletons could enjoy.

"Eh, it really wasn't too appealing to me."

"And working at a gas station does appeal to you?"

"Ah you've seen right through me Pap. You're so smart."

"You were always the smarter one, that's why I'm confused. Why did you not become a scientist again?" Papyrus just wanted his brother to be happy.

"Don't you remember last time I worked in a lab?" Sans stood and cracked his back, stretching before heading to the fridge and getting a water bottle. "You were left alone for weeks on end… the dangerous experiments. And besides… I'm too lazy to care about science anymore."

"You are avoiding what you love because of me?" Papyrus was horrified, but didn't let it show.

"...well when you put it that way it makes me sound like the bad guy." Sans gave a deep chuckle.

"Brother…" Papyrus placed a plate in front of Sans, his frown even deeper.

"Ya know, a frown really doesn't suit you bro." Sans picked up his fork and started eating, but still watched Papyrus out of the corner of his eye. The taller skeleton gave a weak smile and sat down with his own plate and began to eat as well.

* * *

"Brother, you should go to sleep." The skeletons sat on the couch together, watching some cartoon. The shorter was yawning bigger and bigger through the program.

"Hehe you're always looking out for me bro. How am I supposed to be the older one if you're the responsible one?" Sans laughed and stood, stretching again and headed upstairs. As he reached the top of the stairs, you answered his question.

"I've learned from the best." Papyrus' grin was a little more natural. Sans gave him a strange smile back and headed to his room. As soon the door closed, Papyrus sighed and leaned back on the couch.

Usually when he felt this way, it only lasted a little while. In his experience, it was easy to relax when he was alone. He could leave his optimism at the door and recharge, but sometimes it all gets too much for the poor monster, and he goes into a slump.

He knew the saying "Fake it till you make it", so he plastered his favorite smile on his face and tried to keep it in place. After a minute, the smile faded and he sighed. Just one won't hurt, he thought to himself.

Standing, he walked outside and stood between the house and the shed. Papyrus pulled the box from his pocket and slipped a stick from its packaging. Using his own magic, he lit the tip and took a long drag. Despite not having real, corporeal lungs, the smoke made him feel a little better.

Before he knew it, he went through half the box. He flicked the one between his fingers to knock the embers from the top and took another drag. All of a sudden, the cigarette was gone.

Mettaton was standing next to him, finishing it off. Papyrus was shocked and intrigued as the smoke floated up over his bangs.

"You know, this wasn't what I expected when I came to surprise you darling." Mettaton flicked the butt into the snow along with all the others.

"O-oh Mettaton! I am so sorry! I did not know you were going to come visit! Oh dear, if I had known I would have put on something a little nicer." Papyrus picked at the hem of his sweatshirt and blushed, but Mettaton didn't laugh like expected. He made a scoffing sound and made the skeleton look at him.

"Darling… why didn't you tell me you were feeling this way again?"

"It is fine. I just needed some time to get these feelings under control." Papyrus smiled wide at Mettaton, but the robot wasn't convinced. Mettaton pulled Papyrus in close and held him tight.

"I know dear… but I could have helped you. You only ever smoke when it gets bad. Does… does the human know?"

"No, they are at a friend's house helping them prepare for a d-date." Papyrus' words jumped on the last word, betraying his real feelings. Mettaton's face dropped.

"Oh darling… is this because of me?" His voice jittered out with worry. Papyrus looked at his boyfriend with shame and embarrassment.

"W-what? Of course not! As if the Great Papyrus is not one to be swayed by something as simple as a rescheduling of a date!" He was getting nervous. Mettaton smiled sadly and placed a metallic hand on Papyrus' cheek.

"I'm so sorry darling. I'll make it up to you, I promise."

"You do not have to make anything up, dearest Mettaton. Just you being here now is enough for the Great Papyrus." Papyrus grinned, the smile not at all fake.

"I'm glad to see you're feeling a little better… is there anything else that could make you happy?" Mettaton moved to hold both of Papyrus' hands. The skeleton thought for a second and placed a kiss on Mettaton's cheek.

"Why don't we just go inside? We can make something for the human when they get back from their friend's house." It was the perfect plan. Papyrus could already feel his mood picking up again. He held Mettaton's hand tightly as they walked into the house. As he got the ingredients ready, he began babbling. "You'll never guess what happened between Susan and Brad today…"

Mettaton smiled as he watched his boyfriend chatted adamantly. He felt awful about ditching, and felt even worse when he realized he was the reason for Papyrus' mood, but seeing the skeleton so happy again washed away all those feelings.

He walked over to Papyrus and wrapped his arms around his waist. Papyrus almost threw the bowl in the air in shock but smiled when he realized what was happening.

"M-mettaton what is wrong?"

"Papyrus, if you ever feel bad again, I beg you to come to me. I know I may not be the most available but I really do care about you."

"Dearest Mettaton, I care about you greatly as well." Papyrus turned around and hugged Mettaton back.

"Just don't pull the _hood_ over my eyes." Mettaton's hand reached up and tugged on the hood of Papyrus' sweatshirt. Papyrus was silent for a moment before groaning loudly.

"Mettaton! That wasn't even funny! The Great Papyrus only laughs at the highest quality jokes!" He continued to rant, but Mettaton was smiling the whole time.

* * *

 **Not like my normal chapters, but I needed to show some love to Papyrus as well. Someone suggested a chapter like this, because they were right. When you act happy all the time, it's hard to keep it up sometimes.**

 **Yes, I mixed in Underswap because I love that AU so much… oh well. I'm sorry if it seems a little rushed or choppy, but that's just how it all worked out.**

 **I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm afraid requests are closed, at least for a little while. I have 46 suggestions lines up already and it's a little more than overwhelming, but I do adore the love everyone's showing this story!**

 **Until next time!**

 **~Starlight**


	23. Stars and Curves- bulimia

**Warnings- pretty detailed depictions of bulimia and body dismorphia.**

* * *

Sans liked to think he was very knowledgeable. He liked to think he knew what was happening around his house. He liked to think, but watching you bend over the toilet, sobbing hysterically and trying to pull away from his grasp made him realize just how little he really knew.

How had he missed this? Sans stared in horror as you fell back and slammed your head on the counter. This was all wrong, he thought. He knew what was going on. Everyone was fine. Everyone was safe. So had had he not seen this?

You were crying harder, shaking and trying to cover yourself, but you couldn't cover the bruises and the scratches and the ribs about to rip through your skin. Sans felt tears in his eyes and took a fearful step back.

* * *

You looked in the mirror and frowned. Sans' actions bounced through your head. You had been watching a new movie and the main actress was absolutely perfect. As soon as she came on the screen, Sans sat up a little straighter.

His eye lights were glued to the screen for the rest of the movie, watching how her body moved and twisted during the action scenes. You looked away and glanced down at yourself. You were nothing like the woman in the movie. Your thighs touched and your stomach hung over the top of your pajama bottoms.

Suddenly, the spaghetti was sitting in your stomach like a rock. You weren't sure if you would be able to keep in down. The next scene in the movie was a beach scene, and when the actress took off her dress to show off her bathing suit, Sans whistled and you could have sworn he was drooling a little.

That did it.

You quickly excused yourself and rushed to the bathroom. You made sure to lock the door and turn on the faucet before leaning over the toilet. You learned last time you had a stomach bug to mask the sound of the retching, or the skeleton brother's would literally break down the door. The wall still had marks from the last time.

You retched two, three times, but nothing came out, and the feeling of nausea grew stronger. Thinking maybe water would help your stomach, you gulped some tap water from the cup you usually use after you brush your teeth. The burning feeling in your throat calmed, but the churning in your stomach increased.

Rushing back to the toilet, you retched over and over, spitting up warm water mixed with red specks that smelled heavily of stomach acid and Italian spices. As a last resort, you grabbed your toothbrush and shoved the handle down your throat to hopefully trigger some relief.

After two false starts, you felt the bile rise up and spill into the toilet. Instantly, you felt a million times better. You wanted to laugh, but at the same time you wanted to get rid of the rest. Two more strokes of the handle emptied your stomach completely.

You wipe the tears from your cheeks and laugh bitterly. You knew what you did was wrong, but you felt so much better. You weren't sure what you would have done with the lava boiling in your stomach had you not gotten rid of it.

It took three flushes to get all the vomit to go down, and another minute to brush your teeth and rinse your mouth out with mouthwash. Although it made your stomach feel better, your mouth felt disgusting. You looked in the mirror and made a face at how gaunt you looked.

As you left the bathroom, you realized the living room was dark. The movie must have ended while you were… taking care of business. Sans' door was closed, and the usual lights from under the door were gone. You sighed and creeped up the stairs to the addition that serves as your room. Just as you were about to open your door, there was a cough behind you.

Spinning around, you saw Papyrus standing in his door frame, half in his room and half in the hallway. He had changed into his usual pajamas, fuzzy patterned pants and a white t-shirt. His smile was wilted, and his brow bones slightly creased.

"Are you… ill, friend?" Papyrus whispered, not wanting to wake Sans. You felt your heart skip a beat at maybe being discovered, but you smiled and played it off.

"Yeah Pap." You whispered back. "I was having… cramps." You cringed at the lame excuse, but Papyrus' reaction told you it worked. His face turned a deep blue and he covered his face with a bare hand.

"O-of course friend! Do feel better!" He quickly slipped into his room and closed the door. You smiled gently at the memory of the brothers finding out about human things, such as menstrual cycles and the miracle of birth. Surprisingly enough, Sans was the most interested in the way humans worked, wanting to know everything from atoms to birth to how hair grows.

You slipped into your own room and closed the door silently. You quickly brushed your hair and laid on your bed, staring up at the ceiling. Your heart was still racing, and you were sure you weren't going to fall asleep anytime soon.

You felt the tears gather in the corner of your eyes as you thought of how Sans stared at that dumb perfect actress in the movie. A week ago you wouldn't admit you liked the shorter skeleton, not in the slightest, you would have said.

But four days ago, you had been messing around in Hotlands, as a curious girl such as yourself would do, and tripped. Your arms windmilled as you tipped back into the dangerous lava below. At the last second, a hand reached out and grabbed the back of your shirt, hauling you to safety.

Sans held you close, both of you shaking. He started talking to you, trying to calm you down. He scolded you for worrying him, thanking some higher force that you were alright. Listening to him talk about losing you, listening to the worry in his voice made your face heat up. You realized that maybe, just maybe, had a thing for him when you realized you didn't want him to let go of you.

Since then, you had been more and more conscious of the things you did around him. You noticed how warm his leg was when it was pressed up against your own while sitting on the couch and the way you look in your clothing.

You sighed and covered your face with your pillow. Letting out a cry, you wished things were simple, like back when you were fighting for your life on a daily basis.

* * *

The next day, you found your stomach was still pretty sensitive from the night before. You tried getting around eating breakfast, but both Sans and Papyrus made a fuss over your lack of appetite. You caved and ate every crumb.

You felt the food rolling in your stomach as Sans tied his shoes and headed out for his first job of the day. You waved and cringed when he turned his back at the grumbling from your abdomen.

"Are you feeling alright, Human? Do you require medication for your m-menstrual cramping?" Papyrus blushed at the last part, still not completely comfortable with the whole thing, and to be honest hearing him say it like that made you blush too.

"Um no thanks Pap. It should go away in an hour or so. Don't worry about me."

"Dear friend, you know I, the Great Papyrus, will always worry about those I love!" Papyrus smiled brightly and hugged you, the squeezing causing the bile to rise in your throat again. Thankfully, he quickly let go and rushed out the door, yelling something about patrols and puzzles over his shoulder as he went.

You smiled and quickly rushed back to the bathroom. Remembering last night, you reached for the toothbrush again. This time, however, it didn't work. Your stomach rolled again and you just wanted to _get it out._ Remembering something else, you managed to gulp down two glasses of cold water before leaning over the toilet again.

This time it worked. Ten minutes later you were wonderfully empty and extremely exhausted. You looked in the mirror and cringed. You never noticed just how fat you were. You felt a tear roll down your face as you spit into the toilet again.

"God… He'll never love me… I'm hideous…" Another sob rang though the bathroom. It took you a minute to gather yourself.

You brushed your teeth and flushed the toilet before heading downstairs. You were planning on watching some TV before getting some chores done, but as soon as you curled up in the blanket, you were asleep.

* * *

Papyrus was frozen outside his house. Not from the cold, of course, for skeletons cannot feel the cold. No, he was frozen from the sounds he heard from inside the house. He looked up to the bathroom window which was on the front of the house, which was left open. Papyrus heard everything you just did.

All the gagging and cursing and retching… Papyrus felt tears build in his eye sockets. At first, he was going to rush back inside and make you soup to help you get over your illness, but then he heard what you said.

"Damnit, not enough… I just want it _out!_ " followed by sobs and retching. Papyrus' hand stopped an inch from the door knob. What he heard next made his soul hurt. "He'll never love me… I'm hideous…"

Papyrus turned towards his post, then towards Waterfall, torn on what to do. On one hand, he had a job to do and if he skipped out, he would never make it into the Royal Guard, but on the other hand, you were his dear friend and if he could find someone to help, he should.

With a frustrtated groan he made up his mind and ran in the right direction.

* * *

Papyrus banged on the door to the one house he knew better than his own, save maybe Undyne's. He waited at the pink door, listening to the footsteps casually move around the house. Papyrus begun to tap his foot impatiently. As soon the door opened, Papyrus pushed his way in and pulled Mettaton along with him.

"Darling, as much as I love your spontaneous visits, it is polite to wait until the front door is completely open before bursting in-"

"Mettaton I'm afraid there is something very wrong with the Human." Papyrus' tears finally slipped over his eye sockets into his scarf. Mettaton's eyes widened and he ushered the skeleton into the sitting room. This really was serious.

"Tell Mettaton what's wrong Darling." He wrapped an arm around the crying monster.

"Well…"

* * *

You woke up to the chime of the clock. You were still home alone, which you were grateful for. Your throat was sore from throwing up and your head hurt, probably for the same reason. Groaning, you sat up and clicked on the TV.

The same movie was still on, paused during the credits. Disregarding common sense, you started it from the beginning. This time, however, you could only focus on one thing.

The actress' waist line.

As the movie went one, you felt worse and worse about yourself. How could you ever, _ever_ compete with her? Tears started flowing down your cheeks as the mental comparison went on and on. You found yourself laughing at how foolish you were.

Foolish for thinking anyone, especially Sans, would love you. Truly a laughable thought.

You clicked off the movie halfway through and ran to your room, still laughing and crying. You were such an idiot…

You stared at yourself in the mirror that hung on the back of your door. Seeing how fat you were, you got mad. Really mad. You started throwing thing, screaming, crying. You wanted to lie down and never wake up, but you knew that wasn't going to happen.

You threw one last thing, but it caught on your arm as it went past, cutting your arm. It wasn't deep, but it was bleeding pretty badly. The pain brought you back to your senses. Looking around the room, you felt ashamed that you had lost control like that.

You needed control in your life. Ignoring the cut for a second, you stared at your reflection again. You were filled with determination to become the kind of person Sans couldn't help but fall madly in love with.

Grinning at your determination, you rushed to the bathroom and washed your arm before going back to the room and cleaning the mess you made. It was late afternoon, and you were well rested from your nap, so despite your freak out you had plenty of energy.

Deciding to get a jump on the chores, mostly so Sans and Papyrus didn't suspect anything, you tied your hair up and got to work.

* * *

"Oh my, that does not sound good at all…" Mettaton stared at his lap, trying to process the information. He had his own issues with eating and such, but he had no clue how that kind of behavior could affect a human body. He knew personally it was really dangerous, but that was for a monster…

"I, for once, am stumped… I am very afraid for my friend." Papyrus rubbed the top of his skull sadly.

"I think it would be best to call Alphys… she would know about humans more than any of us regular monsters."

"Is the good Doctor available?" Papyrus perked up, excited at the prospect of helping his friend. Mettaton thought for a second before deflating.

"I do not think so Darling. She is with the King right now. Told me only to come to her for an extreme emergency… She said losing limbs doesn't could either." Mettaton gave Papyrus an apologetic look before standing and walking over to the window. Papyrus deflated and placed his head in his hands. "Don't you think you should tell dear Sansy about this?"

"Absolutely not. My brother would not take such news well…" Papyrus grimaced at the thought of what Sans would do. Yelling, fighting, magic being thrown around. Mettaton frowned and nodded his head.

"Isn't that the truth… I remember well what he did when he thought I was trying to take advantage of you." Mettaton and Papyrus both smiled at the memory and sighed. Papyrus stood from the couch and thanked Mettaton.

"Thank you, dear Mettaton. I do feel a little better after talking to you. Please contact me when Alphys is back in the area."

"Of course Darling. And call me if anything happens with the human."

"Of course." Papyrus gave Mettaton another smile and saw himself out, leaving Mettaton to reflect on what he just learned. He was worried, not just for the human, but for the skeletons as well. They were all so close, Sans and Papyrus would be hurt even worse if what he thought was happening really was happening.

Mettaton sighed again and went to his room. He needed some time to think about things.

* * *

You felt better than ever. Well, you were more tired lately, and it was harder to move around as much, but your stomach was definitely flatter, and the gap between your legs was getting a little wider. You open your phone and look at the picture of the actress from the movie you saved.

She was still skinner though. You notice your boobs have also shrunk, which was not part of the plan. How could you ever look like the woman in the movie if you went back to the size you were five years ago?

You sigh and lock the phone again. Today you were supposed to meet Sans at Grillby's. It was the third Saturday of the month. You made a deal back seven – or was it eight? – years ago, to take a break from your busy schedule and have lunch together. Sometimes it was at Grillby's, sometimes at Mettaton's restaurant, and on rare occasions Sans would cook something for you to eat at home, which was always your favorite.

You adjusted the bracelet that matched your sweater, but decided to just take it off. Your wrist had shrunk enough that it was a pain to wear. Plus your sleeves were so long it wouldn't be seen anyway. You couldn't wear short sleeves anymore, which is one reason you were grateful to be staying in Snowdin most of the time.

You weren't sure exactly why, but you bruised so easily now. A simple bump on a counter corner left you black and blue for days. That, and you seemed to be getting clumsier and clumsier. Your arms and legs were covered in random scratches and bruises and cuts and burns. Most you could hide with makeup, but you didn't want to waste it when you were able to go without. Human makeup was hard to come by in the Underground.

You turned to the mirror and made sure everything was in place before slipping on your shoes and heading out. The cold air bit at your nose as you rushed those frigid ten feet to the bar. Quickly ducking into the building, you shook the snow that managed to collect on your shoulders and head off before walking right to the bar.

"Hey there Kiddo. I was worried you were gonna stand me up." Sans winked at you as you propped yourself up onto the bar stool. You give him a grin that was only slightly bitter and give Grillby a silent thanks for handing you a drink with a lid on it. Since he hired someone else in the kitchens, he's able to sell drinks – as long as they have lids that is.

"Who me? How could I pass up such a hot date?" It had been normal for you, almost natural, to flirt with Sans, but now it seemed… forced. Sans didn't seem to think anything was off, because his grin just widened and winked.

"I wouldn't want to pass up a date with me either." He waited for your reaction, but you just smiled and shook your head. Sipping your drink, you realized this was the first meal you wouldn't be able to get rid of right after.

Dread pooled in your stomach as Sans handed you a menu. You gave another tight smile and took the menu reluctantly. You scanned the options, noting that nothing has changed in at least four years. You picked the thing that would be least dangerous for your weak stomach.

"Um, I'll have the salad." You tell Grillby with a smile, who just nodded and took your menu. When you turned your attention to your drink, the fire monster shot a look to Sans. The shorter skeleton only looked confused. Grillby shook his head and headed to the kitchen.

"A salad huh? Trying to watch your figure or something? Man, I remember when we would come here and you would eat two burgs, plus fries!" He chuckled at past you, but you just grimace. Of course he would remember you as a glutton.

"Yeah… I figured I've gotten a little pudgy lately." You said lightly, realizing at the last second that it could be taken the wrong way. You meant it was a flippant comment, but by the way his eye light dimmed, you knew he took it the wrong way.

"Someone picking on you? Someone calling you fat? Cuz you're not. You know that right?" He seemed distressed at the thought of someone teasing you, and hearing him compliment you made your heart flutter.

"No! No one's picking on me." _Except yourself,_ you thought behind a smile. "I just… want to look good."

"You trying to impress someone kid?" His distressed face was replaced with a mischievous one. He grinned at you, one eye brow raised. You couldn't keep the blush from your face, especially when he looked at you like that.

"N-no! Of course not!" _Nice cover…_ you thought to yourself. Sans nodded one and turned to the fire exit, where Grillby was walking through with both your meals. You thank him and take your bowl from his heavily laden arms. Grillby had a habit of carrying up to half a dozen plates at once, two on each arm and one in each hand. It was an amazing and equally as nerve wracking sight to behold.

You managed to play with your food more than eat it, filling in the time with jokes and stories. You were lucky, Sans didn't notice anything. He was usually so attentive, but somehow you managed to sneak this past him.

After an hour, you had to part. He had another job, and you were starting to feel sick. Waving goodbye, you headed back to the house and right into the bathroom. By now, you really didn't need a toothbrush, especially when you were already feeling sick to your stomach.

After flushing the green slush down the toilet, you rinsed your mouth out and looked in the mirror. Your cheekbones were more prominent, just like the actress'. But your cheeks themselves were still too squishy.

You glare at the mirror, as if daring it to add on more pounds, before clicking off the light and heading to your room. You threw yourself onto the bed and stared at the celling again. It was becoming quite the habit, just staring at things.

Sans said you weren't fat. The memory of how defensive he got made your face heat up. He really cared about you!

The warm feeling faded just as quick. Of course he cared about you. Cared about you like he cared about Papyrus. Like a sibling. If he found out you had these kinds of feelings for him…

You felt your determination faltering. You wanted desperately to be good enough for him, but you were nowhere near close to being good enough. You closed your eyes and imagined that moment. That… perfect moment.

 _"How could I have been so blind?" He would ask._

 _"You're so beautiful." He would say._

 _"I love you." He would whisper._

You started to cry as you drifted off to sleep, imaginary Sans whispering to you gently.

* * *

Sans was just doing his usual thing, slacking off at work. Instead of selling hot dogs, he decided to talk to his two favorite Royal Guard members, 01 and 02, who were still guarding the elevator despite not needing to anymore. They had told him they liked standing there. It looked like they were doing work when in reality they were just talking to each other.

Sans saw something red out of the corner of his eye and teleported away just in time for Papyrus to walk past 01 and 02, who greeted him. His brother, instead of giving his usual greeting, simply waved and kept walking with a purpose.

The shorter skeleton could not remember the last time his brother looked so serious, so he followed him. Sans' feeling of dread only grew when his brother made a bee line to Alphys' lab. Papyrus had never gone there by himself, only ever with Mettaton for a checkup.

Sans was grateful he knew his way about the lab already. He teleported straight into the hole in the wall Mettaton made all those years ago. Instead of fixing it, Alphys made it into some sort of pantry. There was still just enough room for the small skeleton to stand without being seen from the main room.

"H-hey Papyrus. M-mettaton told me you w-w-wanted to talk?" Alphys' stutter didn't improve much over the years, but it was a little bit better, thanks to Undyne.

"Yes. I am afraid there is something wrong with the Human." Papyrus sounded so uncharacteristically somber. Sans heard Alphys take in a quick breath.

"Um, c-can you explain a little m-more? I need more to g-go off of."

"She… Doctor Alphys, is it normal for humans to make themselves throw up?" He sounded so innocent, so tired. Sans felt his soul seize up. No… she couldn't possibly be… right? Sans desperately hoped Papyrus was wrong.

"WHAT? N-n-no! T-that's s-so b-bad! Oh my gosh… oh my gosh… A-alright… okay… um, let's s-see. I h-have a book s-somewhere." Sans hear Alphys walk over to the escalator up to her lab space, her claws clicking on the tiles. There was some muttering above and coughing as dust from old books flew in the air. Alphys came back down the other side carrying a rather large book.

"O-okay. I found t-this in the dump y-y-years ago. It's obviously o-outdated, but it might help." She began flipping through pages. "Alright, c-can you tell me her symptoms?" Her doctor mode was kicking in. This was something Alphys knew how to do.

"Alright. Lately she has been rushing to the bathroom after meals, and although she turned the faucet on, I can still hear her retching. She's been losing weight at an alarming speed, and it seems she is having trouble sleeping. A few nights ago I woke up in the middle of the night and I could still hear her in her room, crying and talking to herself."

"O-oh dear… W-what was she saying? C-could you hear?" The sinking feeling in the doctor's stomach was growing. Papyrus made a whining sound before clearing his throat.

"Just… oh dear. She says she was ugly and fat… and how 'he' will never love her. I am not sure whom she was talking about, but I wish to meet him so I can give him a piece of my mind! The Great Papyrus would never let some faceless monster break the heart of one of my dearest friends!" Pap's voice grew in volume until he was almost shouting.

"T-this is b-bad. I-I'm n-not completely s-re I'm right, but it s-seems like she has b-bulimia and…" She flipped another page. "B-body dismorphia. B-but I c-can't be sure… I d-don't want to make a w-wrong diagnosis…"

"Is it fatal?" Papyrus' voice was almost silent.

"It c-can be, if it g-goes on long enough, b-but there are other l-long term dangers. Ulcers in the stomach l-lining, tooth decay… o-oh jeez there are a l-lot of bad things…"

"What are we to do?" Papyrus was getting frantic. With everything Alphys read from the book, he became more and more convinced you were going to die.

"Well… it s-says that this is m-more than just physical. If w-we j-just address it straight out, she might t-try to push us away…" Alphys closed the book and placed it on the already messy desk. Sans couldn't listen anymore. He teleported right to the house.

He heard sounds from the bathroom and finally knew what was going on with you. He rushed to the bathroom and saw the door wide open.

* * *

You caved. You finally caved and ate the entire thing. Since Papyrus can't eat a lot of grease before feeling sick, and since you didn't eat much anymore, Sans left half a pizza in the fridge. You hadn't meant to, but next thing you knew, it was all gone and your stomach was bulging.

You could feel the bitterness rising in the back of your throat. You bolted for the bathroom, not bothering to close the door. You didn't make it in time, and ended up throwing up on your sweater. The second wave made it into the toilet, but it was too late.

After emptying your stomach, you shakily stripped and threw the soiled sweater into the tub. It landed with a wet thud, making your stomach churn again. You were over the toilet again, retching up bile and spit.

You didn't notice a presence at the door until a hand grabbed your wrist tightly. You couldn't help the scream that ripped from your throat. You looked over at whoever was there in fear. That fear only grew when you realized it as Sans.

Using all your strength, which wasn't much at this point - The weeks without nutrition really destroyed your muscle mass – you tried to pull away. Sans' grip was iron on your wrist, and you could feel bruises forming on the skin under his boney fingers.

You began sobbing, your primal instincts kicking in. You just needed to get away. You used your other hand to try to pry his fingers off your wrist, but it was no use. You pulled and pulled, but here was no give.

"S-sans… l-let go!" You screamed at him, finally finding your voice through the tears. The sudden shout made his let go a little in shock. You slipped back and slammed your head on the counter of the sink. Your yelp brought him back to the moment.

Rushing to your side, he fell to his knees. His fingers danced around your head, afraid to touch you but afraid to leave you be. Finally, he managed to bunch up some toilet paper and place in on the gash on your head. You try to flinch away, but you're too tired to move.

"Sans… why are you here?" You couldn't look him in the eye. You were too ashamed.

"It's a long story Kid…" He sounded weary. "Let's get you cleaned up… some of these cuts look infected." Now that the initial shock was gone, Sans felt almost numb as he tended your wounds. He handed you a piece of monster candy, which you ate immediately. The head wound closed and the larger scrapes healed.

"Are you mad at me?" You were terrified. Sans must hate you now. He hadn't said anything in almost ten minutes, and his eye lights were completely dark. He must hate you now. You ruined any chance you had.

"No… I could never be mad at you. I'm just confused. And scared… Why are you doing this to yourself?"

"…" You looked away. You couldn't tell him the truth.

"Come on kid. Please…"

"I just wanted you to look at me like you looked at her…" It was a mere whisper, but Sans heard it clear as day. His soul dimmed as he absorbed what you meant.

"Hehe w-what are you saying?" He laughed out of habit, but nothing about this situation was funny.

"In the movie… she was so beautiful. I just wanted to look like her so…"

"So I would look at you?" Sans whispered, his usual grin gone from sight. He sat back and leaned up against the tub, leaving you sitting on the toilet. He covered his face with a skeleton hand and sighed heavily.

"I'm sorry…" You were crying again. Why were you so weak all of a sudden?

"No, I'm sorry… this is all my fault. I should have realized something was wrong. I should have been able to help you!" He angrily slammed his fist on the tiles. "How long have you felt this way?"

"I've liked you since you saved me in Hotlands, and I've been doing… this… since we watched the movie." You sounded dead, no emotions at all. You just wanted to go to sleep.

You sat in silence, neither of you knowing what to say. Neither of you wanting to be the first to speak. Neither of you really wanting to be there at the moment. The front door slammed open, causing both of you to jump hand a foot in the air.

"Brother? Human? I believe there is something we need to discuss." Papyrus called from downstairs. You and Sans made eye contact for the first time since he found you. He was the first to stand, slipping off his jacket and tossing it to you. You remembered you were sitting there in just a bra and pants. Flushing, you pulled the jacket on and zipped it up.

He held a hand out to help you up, and you accept it. Your knees almost gave out after sitting for so long, but Sans caught you and helped you stand again. Instead of helping you walk down the stairs, he just teleported the two of you right into the living room.

"Human, although I was advised not to proceed this way, the Great Papyrus cannot simply sit back and watch his dearest friend wither away. I have something very serious I need to discuss with you, and I have an idea that might make it a little easier." He looked towards the kitchen as someone else walked out.

Mettaton was carrying a mug with something steaming inside. You were shocked to see the robot, but not as shocked as when he handed you the mug and sat you down. Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Papyrus and Sans move to the kitchen to have their own conversation.

"Alright Darling, I'm not going to sugar coat anything, or tip toe around this. Back when I first got this body, I was able to taste for the first time, and I took advantage of it. I ate everything I could get my hands on. At first, it didn't bother me. I actually got compliments on how curvy I was. But all that can come crashing down with just one comment.

"I cannot even remember who it was, but someone called it out during a show of mine. 'Hey fatass! Get off the stage!'…" Mettaton made his voice deep to mock whoever said it, but his face became somber. "I couldn't finish the show. I just… walked off.

"I tried dieting, exercising, but I couldn't stop eating. I felt sick all the time, and one day I couldn't take it. I needed to get it all out, so I found the button to empty my stomach. It was out there in case I ate something dangerous… Alphy dear never thought I would use it for this. I would eat until I couldn't eat another bite, then emptied everything out.

"I did this for months, and it gave me results, so why should I have worried? The smaller I got, the larger my fan base grew. The people seemed to love me even more, so I did it more and more. My life was perfect, or so I thought. It was about six months after I started. I collapsed on stage right in the middle of my show. The hotel manager rushed me right to Alphys' lab. Her tests showed since I wasn't eating in this form, my battery life was draining more and more. At that point, I could barely last ten minutes away from my charger.

"The overuse of the button also had its consequences. Since I had to move around wires to get to it, the wiring started to fray. I soon lost my voice, and the vision in my right eye. It took weeks for Alphys to fix the wiring. During that whole time, I had fans sending me letters, asking if I was okay, telling me how wonderful I am.

"It took me almost six months to realize my fans loved me the way I was. It took another six months to get out of the habit of gorging and getting rid of it. I finally got my curves back, my hair got its bounce back. I was able to sing and smile again. Getting help was the best decision I ever had. Alphys told me I would not have survive if I had kept going. She said my wiring would have been too damaged to fix. She would have had to replace everything, and even then she couldn't promise the body would be the same.

"I didn't think it was bad, at first. I tried leaving the metal body, only to realize my ghost form had become so ingrained in the robot body, I couldn't leave. That made me come to my senses. This was the only body I had. If this body was damaged beyond repair, I would have been damaged beyond repair. I would never be the same me again, which really scared me.

"Don't you see Darling? This is your only body as well. If anything were to happen to you, everyone would be devastated. You can't get a new body, or get a redo. This is what you're stuck with, and you have to make the best of it. Now, I hear you felt you weren't good enough for someone. I'm here to tell you that is absolutely ridiculous Darling. You are an absolute catch, and anyone who doesn't agree is an absolute idiot."

"It's Sans…" You whisper, feeling ashamed. Mettaton sat back a little, eyes widening.

"In that case, I say you should run to him. Run to him and wrap your arms around him and tell him how you feel."

"What if he doesn't like me? I don't look like that actress yet."

"What actress?"

"The one from the movie we watched. He started drooling! I can't match that…" You picked at the hem of his Sans' jacket, embarrassed.

"I can guarantee you he won't reject you dear. I see that skeptical look, Darling, but I was there when our dear Sansy got shit-faced many months ago. He couldn't stop babbling on and on about how he felt about you. It was adorable to watch. If only he acted on his promises of asking you out all those weeks ago, none of this would have happened…" Mettaton took the empty mug from your hands and gave you a pointed look.

You didn't let yourself think. You stood and ran to the kitchen. You saw Papyrus, wiping tears from his cheek bones, and Sans, looking weary. You hesitated for only a second before rushing to Sans and wrapping your arms around him.

"I'm so sorry…" You whispered into his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around you and held you tight.

"This is all my fault…" He chuckled sadly. You pulled away and looked at him in shock.

"W-what? No!"

"If only I told you… I'm so sorry. Let me help you get better, then I can make it up to you."

"Sans… I want to get better…" You were hesitant, not sure if you were actually able to get past this. The feeling of his arms around you, and the supportive warmth from all around you filled you with a different type of determination.

"I'm here for you." Sans pulled you close again.

"We're all here for you." Two more sets of arms surrounded you.

You knew you could get through this.

* * *

 **First off, the book Alphys found was the DSM. For anyone who doesn't know, it's pretty much the ultimate mental illness guide. It has classifications and symptoms for thousands of illnesses, and is constantly being updated with the progress in the medical field. Fun fact, in the early 1900's, the DSM classified homosexuality as a mental disorder, but it was removed when scientists realized that was ridiculous. I'm showing off here because I just learned about this last semester.**

 **I started naming the chapters, mostly for my own use. I started getting confused on which chapters I posted already and which ones I only started but never finished. It was also suggested that I put warnings at the tops o the chapters, so starting now you'll be seeing those. I might go back and put the warnings on the others, but I don't have much motivation right now.**

 **Another note, one I say quite often. I'm sorry. Whatever is making me feel bad just got worse for some reason. I haven't been able to get out of bed or eat or sleep or anything the past few days. The last week was nothing but this chapter and the final chapter for my other story.**

 **I can't promise any chapters in the upcoming week. I can't promise any chapters in the next few weeks. I have no idea how long this is going to last, but I don't want to leave everyone waiting without an explanation.**

 **Until next time**

 **~Starlight**


	24. I'm Just Clumsy- cigarette burns

**Warnings- purposeful injuries, cigarette burning**

* * *

You look at the bruises covering your legs with a faint smile. When you got home earlier that evening, Sans freaked out. You rarely saw the shorter skeleton get worked up, but boy was he upset. He threatened to vaporize anyone that was messing with you, and you quickly had to assure him you weren't being beaten up, that it was an accident.

It was an accident, this time. You were walking through Waterfall, listening to Shyren sing a little ways off. She was still nervous around company, but you loved to hear her sing, so you did it from a distance. Your footing slipped on the damp rocks and you skidded into a shallow pool of water. It hurt, but there was no blood, so you figured you were fine.

By the time you made it back to Snowdin, your legs were a masterpiece of blue and purple and green. Sans honed in immediately and began his big brother rant. You smile a little more at the memory. If felt nice, you realize. Having someone worry and care about you. It felt like nothing you knew. Maybe…

You shook your head, trying to rid yourself of the thought. You couldn't… but at the same time. You shook your head again and laid back on your bed. It was late, almost three in the morning. You decided this was all from lack of sleep. That would make sense, right?

Flicking off the light, you close your eyes, fall asleep and dream of bruised legs and worried voices.

* * *

You were standing in Hotlands, wandering around. You had gotten bored and didn't want to make yourself food, so you figured you would pay Sans a visit at his hotdog stand and get some lunch. You could see his stand up ahead, but a small river of lava dripping down the stone wall caught your eye. Without really thinking, you reached out and let a drip of the red hot rock splash onto the back of your hand.

With a cry, you pull your hand back to your chest, scolding yourself for doing something so stupid. Sans heard your cry and teleported over to where you were, leaving several confused customers muttering behind him.

"Are you alright?" He asked, his voice tight with worry. You felt a strange but vaguely familiar sensation blossom in your chest. You let his examine your hand, the feeling growing as he made a horrified face at the welt forming on the back of your hand.

"I-I guess I was walking too close to the wall, and it splashed be. It hurts really bad." You let your bottom lip tremble, partially for effect but also partly because it did hurt quite a bit. Sans gasped and moved closer, holding you away from the dripping lava.

With his arms still around you, he walked you over to the stand. Nudging monsters aside, he brought you back behind the stand and made you a hotdog, on the house. As he apologized and served the customers, you took a bite of the apostrophe dog.

Instantly, you felt the burning on your hand fade. Halfway through the 'dog there was only a faint red pucker. After you finished your lunch, there was still a faint white scar, but that's how it always worked. You were covered head to toe in faint white, almost silvery, scars, from battles and accidents over the past few months.

You sat behind the stand and watched as Sans worked, the warm feeling in your chest slowly fading. You ached for it to come back, but you knew it was too risky to do anything right then.

After the last customer left, you perched on the stand's counter like a bird on a branch. You watched Sans slowly clean things up, and by clean things up, he just kind of shuffled some things from one area to another.

"Ready to go Kiddo?" He asked, turning to you. With a smile and a nod, you hop off the counter, purposefully landing bad. Your ankle twisted under you and you fell to one knee. The pain wasn't too bad, but it was worth it to play it up a little worse than it really was.

"Oh man…" You whimpered, clutching at your ankle. Sans rushed over to you again, looking worried. He only ever rushed when it came to your safety, you thought. The king of Lazy himself rushing over to you. The feeling blossomed again.

"Whoah there Kid. You gotta be more careful. Can you stand?" He helps you up, catching your weight as you began to tilt to on side. You shake your head slightly. Sans scoops you up in his arms and teleports straight to the house. He gently placed you on the couch and went into the kitchen to get ice for your ankle.

"Human! You are injured?" Papyrus came out of the kitchen, tears in his eye sockets.

"I-I'm fine Pap. Just landed badly." You felt bad, making them worry like this. But at the same time, your chest felt warm. You weren't used to others caring so much about you.

Sans came back with a plastic bag filled with ice. He wrapped a towel around it and told you to swing your leg up on the couch. Obeying his instructions, you put your leg up and he placed the ice pack on your swelling ankle. The cold felt nice, but their worry felt better.

"Sans, do you have any more shifts today?" You ask, wanting more attention.

"Nah, that was my last one." He smiled warmly at you.

"Wanna watch some television with me?" You suggested, lifting your foot a little. He took the bait and sat next to you, letting your ankle rest on his lap. He readjusted the icepack and clicked on the screen. You were instantly bombarded with Mettaton's loud voice. Papyrus heard the show and came to sit on your other side.

Your ankle was feeling almost good as new by the time the show ended, but when Sans asked how you were feeling, you told him it still hurt pretty badly. You felt a little bad about lying, but you wanted him to carry you again.

And carry you he did. He scooped you up as if you weighted nothing and walked you up the steps. His movements were very soothing, and soon you could barely keep your eyes open. He opened your door with a magic nod of the head and placed you on your bed. You flinched a little as the movement jostled your ankle, and he grimaced.

"What are we going to do with you kid?" He asked, gently pulling the covers over your shoulders.

* * *

Weeks have passed since that first incident, and you've only gotten worse. Accidental slips in the kitchen, which left Papyrus frantically trying to bandage your bleeding finger. Accidental slips in training, which had Undyne apologizing as her spears slipped through layers of skin. "Accidental" spills while running, "accidental" burns while cooking.

No one thought these incidents were anything but accidents, but their worry soon faded. Soon, a knick while chopping vegetables had Papyrus simply offering you a bandage. Slipping and falling led to a smile and a shake of a head from Sans as he patched up your knees.

Soon, the warm feeling in your chest was replaced with something cold and heavy. Why didn't they care about you anymore? Why did they stop?

You weren't supposed to find them, that much was obvious. Sans had hidden them quite well, but you were curious. The small, rectangular box was almost full when you pulled it from an old sweatshirt Sans was going to donate.

Both the skeletons were purging their closets, getting rid of old clothing and donating them to Alphys, who had a special shop set up for the monster children. It was a really nice idea, you thought as you folded the clothing to get them ready for donation.

Some of the clothing couldn't be donated, due to sauce stains or random holes, but a majority of it was fine. The box felt heavy in your hands, and left a heavy feeling in your chest. You carefully knocked one of the cigarettes out of the container. It didn't seem like something that was dangerous, you thought as you twirled the stick between your fingers. Everyone Above taught you how dangerous they were, but it looked so simple.

You tucked the box away and finished your job of packing up the clothes. After everything was finished, Papyrus set off with the boxes of donations and Sans decided to take a nap. The house was silent when you snuck behind the house.

Lighting the first cigarette with the kitchen lighter, you couldn't even take a full inhale before choking. It was disgusting, to say the least. Your eyes watered painfully and you felt your throat contracting.

Out of habit, you placed the red hot end of the cigarette to your arm, hissing as the pain shot up your arm. Realizing what you did, you dropped the cigarette into the snow. You couldn't show this to anyone. They wouldn't worry, they would just get mad.

You looked down at the bright red circle forming on your arm and furrow your eye brows. If it was so wrong, why did it take away the heavy feeling in your chest? You pick the cigarette up out of the snow and see the tip is still glowing faintly.

You made two more circles on your arm, not nearly as bad as the first but still pretty painful. You pull your sleeve down and slink back inside, almost giddy over your new little secret.

* * *

It was hard, getting more cigarettes without anyone suspecting anything. At first you used the excuse you were picking them up for Sans, but the shopkeeper was suspicious as she handed over the carton.

"Sans hasn't smoked in years. Why would he suddenly start up again?" She had asked, causing your stomach to drop. You just shrugged and handed over the gold coins.

"I don't know." Was your brilliant response.

You didn't smoke them. You had tried again a few days later with the same results. Stinging eyes, burning throat and a cough that kept you awake that night. No, you used them to make more circles.

No more on your arm. Too obvious, you realized. You put them on your stomach, on your legs. Soon, it became a habit that was harder to break than purposely hurting yourself.

You tried again. You had been walking with Sans somewhere, you couldn't even remember where. You tripped over an obvious rock and scraped up your knee pretty badly. Sans had just sighed and helped you up, offering you a monster candy to heal the cut.

Accepting it with a muttered thanks, you knew it was over. They didn't care if you got hurt anymore. You were no longer injured. You were just clumsy. No one worried if a clumsy person slipped or fell or cut their finger. It was normal for them.

For you.

Back to the present, you hissed as the cigarette burned another circle into your skin. You, having an "artistic mind", had to make sure the circles were in an even line, going all the way down. It was oddly satisfying, you thought as you saw the lines fit perfectly with one another.

"W-what are you doing?" A soft voice asked at your door. You quickly dropped the cigarette and pulled your shirt down to cover the evidence.

"Sans haven't you ever heard of knocking?" Your voice trembled. He caught you. He was going to be mad…

"I smelt smoke and thought something was wrong… turns out I was right about something being wrong." He steps into the room, closing the door behind him. You try to cover yourself more, but the heat of the blanket and the pressure from your hand caused the burns to throb in pain.

"N-nothing's wrong." You tried to convince him, but it was obvious it wasn't working. Strong hands, stronger than bones should be, pulled your own arms away from your chest. With slow movements, Sans lifted the hem of your shirt to survey the damage.

He gasped and let out a slight whine of pain, as if he had the burns on him instead of you. You tried to pull away, but you couldn't find it in you to do so. The look on his face, the gentles of his touch. It was just like before.

You realized he did still care, but little scrapes and bruises weren't going to cut in anymore. You needed big injuries. Broken bones, burns, gashes…

Your thoughts trailed off as he wrapped his arms around you. You could feel him trembling, and you realized, finally, what you were doing.

You realized that even though you felt good when they cared about you, you were scaring them. Every time you showed up with a new cut, a new burn, a new bruise, you were scaring them. Because they were realizing how fragile you really were.

"I'm s-sorry." You whisper into his shoulder. He just holds you tighter.

"Why do you keep doing this to yourself kid?" He asks, his voice tight.

"I…" You weren't sure if he would understand. "I wanted to feel cared about."

"What do you mean cared about? Of course you're cared about!" He pulled away. Looking at you like you had just told him you weren't really a human, but an eight armed alien from Pluto.

"Everyone seemed to care so much when I got hurt, so I kept getting hurt. I wanted you to keep caring." Your voice sounded hollow, even to you.

"Oh kid, we could never stop caring about you. You scared the crap out of us a few times, with this stupid plot of yours. What if something went wrong? What if you were hurt so badly we couldn't fix it, huh?"

"I didn't think…"

"Didn't think that we cared?" He asked, his voice softening.

"Yeah…" You whispered, trying not to cry.

"Of course we cared. We'll always care about you." He held you close, letting you cry into his chest. After a few minutes, you calmed down enough to keep talking.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay kid, but what's not okay is what I walked in on. How long have you been doing that?"

"A few weeks… I thought you stopped caring about my little accidents, and I found some old cigarettes in the pocket of one of the jackets you were getting rid of… I don't know why I did it, it just kind of happened. Then, I guess I just couldn't stop."

"We're going to have to talk to someone about this. It was bad enough you were getting hurt on purpose, but this? This is another story all together."

"I know." You felt tears stinging your eyes again. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen… but you were so glad it did.

"Oh kid…" It sounded like he was talking more to himself than to you. "What are we going to do with you? What would we do without you?" He pulled you in tight and hugged you until you realized he did care.

"Thank you Sans. I really needed this." You sniffled, pulling away. He just smiled at you and wiped your damp cheek with a warm bone thumb.

"Of course Kiddo. I care about you no matter what. That's a promise. Now, let's get you some Cinnamon bunnies to heal your stomach, okay?"

* * *

 **I did it! I promised one before the end of the week, and I did it!**

 **I'm sorry that I combines two of the requests, but again, the list was starting to get extremely long and I wanted to get to everything.**

 **I've gotten the list down to 36 prompts, but I'm going to be combining a few so everyone gets their request written in some way. I'm thinking I'll be opening the suggestions back up in a few chapters.**

 **Thank you everyone, not only for supporting my story, but for supporting me as well. I said I wasn't quite feeling myself, and while I am starting to feel better, I'm a ways off from being 100% again. It's always scary to relapse, but that's just a step in the road to recovery.**

 **If you've reviewed and I haven't responded, I'm so sorry. I really do mean to respond, but between the PMs and the writing and everything else, I simply forget. I'm so sorry about that. I do read each and every review.**

 **If you've reviewed and I haven't responded, just shoot me a PM and I'll definitely get back to you!**

 **Until next time!**

 **~Starlight**


	25. Owe it to Him - parental abuse

**Warning- Parental abuse and Stockholm's syndrome (Kind of)**

* * *

Sans' hand was outstretched still, hovering on the air where your shoulder was not a second ago. His eye sockets were wide with shock at your sudden movement, the lights mere pinpricks. Everyone in the room was frozen, every set of eyes planted directly on you.

"I-I gotta go." You choked out, grabbing your jacket and rushing to the door. Before anyone could call after you, you slammed the door.

It had been a few months since the barrier was broken. Everyone was just starting to settle down. You had been invited to Sans and Papyrus' house warming party. They were the last ones to officially leave the Underground, lagging behind to help the other monsters make their way to the surface.

The skelebros found a nice house in the town about ten minutes from Mt. Ebott, and within twenty minutes of all of your friends. It was a dream come true, or at least it should be. You could never hide this if everyone lived so close…

As you walked home, you felt tears prick your eyes. You had made a joke, and Sans has moved to pat you on the back. Instead, you flinched away so violently you knocked over the glasses on the side table. Everyone stared at you, not sure why you seemed to be afraid of Sans of all people.

You felt awful that you ditched out of the party without any warning, but you had already given away too much. You had told Toriel that, as much as you loved her, you had to go back to your human family.

The tears in her eyes almost made you reconsider instantly, but you were determined. You didn't know why you wanted to go back. You still don't know why…

Your train of the thought was cut off as your house came into view. No one from the outside would have been able to guess what happened behind the light blue walls and brown shingled roof. What was hidden behind the trimmed lawn and the light shining on the front porch.

Your first night back had been the worst in many years. Your father - god how you hated calling him that – was furious that you had run away for so long. You had been gone for almost two months. Do you know how hard it was to keep the police away? The school system? He has spit at you as you stood trembling in the kitchen.

How, you asked yourself that first night back, did you manage to push _this_ out of your mind for those two months Underground? You came back because you owed your Father. He raised you, kept you healthy and fed and warm in the winter, even though he had to work extra to take care of you. You owed it to him to be a good child, even if you were almost an adult yourself.

The driveway was empty and the light was still on, so you knew he wasn't home yet. He almost never made it home until after ten in the evening anyway. Maybe he's staying at work later to get away from you?

You slipped inside and went to the kitchen. Despite eating at Sans' party, you were still hungry. The party had mostly appetizers, while you haven't eaten a full meal in a few days. To keep your father from getting upset, you only ate a little at a time.

Grabbing your sandwich and a drink, you slipped upstairs. Your feet landing exactly where you knew wouldn't make any noise. You locked the door behind you and sit cross legged on your bed. Your room was simple. You knew it could be worse. Your Father drilled it into your head at a young age that you were much better off than most people.

You had a simple twin bed in one corner, a plain blue comforter covering it. Your Father didn't care about the color of the blanket, as long as it was the cheapest. You has a plain brown dressed in another corner. A matching bedside table held a lamp with a clean white shade. You had a desk against the far wall, with another small lamp and some notebooks. The closet wasn't empty, but it wasn't full either. You had enough clothing to last one week, then you did your own wash.

The walls were a soft pink, left over from the little girl that lived there before you. The carpeting was white, but was now almost cream from years of shoes and sleepovers. Not yours of course. Your Father never let you wear your shoes in the house.

And you knew better than to bring friends home.

You managed to get a little nap before a car door slamming out front woke you. Jumping up, you felt your heart racing. You forgot to make dinner, you realized with a shot of fear. You raced downstairs and into the kitchen. You pulled out some tupper wear containers from the fridge and started making something quick.

The front door opened with a click and your father walked in. He was tall, as tall as Papyrus, with black hair speckled with grey. His eyes were dark and emotionless, the only sign he ever made any facial expressions were the lines by his eyes and mouth.

"I see dinner is not ready yet." He said in his gravely monotone voice. You let out a breath of relief. It was when his voice held emotion that you knew you were going to have a bad time. But you weren't out of the shark infested waters yet.

"I'm sorry Dad. I accidentally fell asleep when I got home. It'll be done soon though." You say, looking at his shoes. He taught you to speak clearly, but never look him in the eyes.

"You're lucky that you're so privileged." His voice hitched a little and your heart skipped a beat. Instead of teaching you just how privileged you really were, he turned on his heel and stalked out of the kitchen to the stairs.

You sighed in relief as you started chopping up the leftover chicken. Within ten minutes, you had a plate filled with hot chicken and gravy, a healthy serving of mashed potatoes and steamed carrots. Your Father insisted on having at least one meat and one vegetable with every meal.

With weak knees, you made your way up to his office, the ominous door at the end of the upstairs hallway. You knocked twice, like you had been taught when you were a child. His voice called from the other side of the door, muffled by the thick wood. You opened the door and poked your head in a fraction.

"I have your dinner dad." You say softly.

"Speak up." He barked at you, not looking up from the papers on his desk.

"I have your dinner dad." You repeat, much louder. He finally looked up and saw the full plate in your hands. He motioned for you to bring the plate over but didn't actually say anything else to you. On your way over, you were so focused on making sure you didn't look him in the eyes, you tripped on the edge of the carpet.

You sprawl out, feeling the rug burn on your cheek as you skid over the carpet. The plate flew from you, splattering the rug and the front of the desk with potato and chicken. You let a strangled moan from your lips as you tried to prop yourself up, but something held you down.

Looking up, you saw your father standing over you, his foot on the small of your back. His emotionless eyes almost glowed red with his fury. You felt the blood drain from your face. You knew what was coming next.

"Stand, child." He ground his heel into your back before letting you up. You felt a drop of blood leak from the rug burn on your cheek. You must have worn away several layers of skin during your fall. It burned really bad.

"I-I'm sorry F-father." Your voice was loud, but trembling. It just made him angrier. Trembling and stuttering were just signs as weakness.

"Look what you have done, you ungrateful rat. You could be living in an orphanage. You could be living in rags. You could be starving and alone. But no, I took care of you. Gave you food and clothing and a room all to yourself. All I asked from you is to behave. To keep the house clean and make dinner every once in a while." He took a step back and a clenched a shaking hand into a fist before relaxing the fist again. "It seems you can't even do that."

He brought his right arm across his chest and let it fly, the back of his hand hitting your cheek, right on the rug burn. His ring caught the skin and you could feel the cut on your cheek grow.

"I'm embarrassed to be your father. From now on, call me 'sir' and nothing else. Understand?" He growled out, his voice gravely with rage. You nod your head frantically, hoping to avoid any more pain. " _I asked if you understood."_ He grabbed the front of your shirt and threw you into the bookshelf. The impact jarred dozens of books to fall onto your limp form, the corners digging into your exposed side.

"Yes sir! I understand sir! I am very grateful for everything you've given me sir!" You burst into tears, the pain getting to be too much. The blood from your cheek started soaking into the nearest book. He roared when he saw his white pages being stained red. Rushing at you, he pulled you up by the front of your shirt again, picking you up so your feet dangled off the ground by several inches. You let out a quiet whimper. You still weren't able to look the man in the eyes.

With a growl, he threw you across the room, your back slamming into the desk. You could feel the hot potatoes and gravy smush into your shirt. You could feel your heart beat throughout your body, but the blood rushing through your ears prevented you from hearing anything well.

"Get out. Clean yourself up. Don't let me see you for at least three days. I better not have any reason to look for either." He growled out at you. Picking yourself up off the rug, you sprinted from the office to your room.

Since only the two of you lived in the large house, your room had its own bathroom, and you have never been more grateful. You locked the door again, the half-digested sandwich rolling in your stomach. You stripped the shirt off your torso and threw it into the corner of the room.

Going into the bathroom, you flicked on the light and felt tears well up as you look at yourself in the mirror above the sink. Your cheek was bleeding pretty bad, the skin shiny and red where it wasn't bleeding. You had scraped off several layers of skin. With a jolt you realized it would leave some sort of mark for years to come.

Your torso was already starting to color, your left side more tender than the right. You were afraid you might have broken a rib, but with some poking and yelps, you realized it was just bruised. With a solid hand, you wipe away the drying blood on your cheek.

Tomorrow you had planned on hanging with Sans. You were supposed to be looking for a birthday present for Alphys, who was having a party on Saturday. You could probably skip shopping tomorrow, but that only left a week for your cheek to heal enough to cover it with makeup. You couldn't skip Alphys' birthday party.

You dug in your medicine cabinet and pulled out the first aid kit. Some medical cream, gauze pads and medical tape later, your cheek was bandaged up nice and tight. You realized there was no point in wrapping your ribs, so you just clicked off the lights and went to your dresser.

Pulling out an oversized sweater, you gingerly slipped it on. Your body was already starting to seize up, but you managed to crawl into bed and grab your phone. You hadn't told your father about the phone from Toriel, because he would have taken it from you.

Hey Sans. I can't go shopping tomorrow. I'll see you on Saturday. You sent the text before you would chicken out. His response was almost instant.

What's wrong? You left pretty quick earlier. Everything okay kid? He sent a second message a second later. Should I come over?

No. You sent the first message quickly, knowing if he came over it would all be over. Everything's fine. I'm not feeling well and don't want to go out tomorrow.

You sure? I can be over in a literal second.

Please don't come over. I'll see you Saturday. You click the screen off and put it under your mattress before curling up under the blankets. As you tried to fall asleep, you could feel the phone buzzing over and over again.

But nobody came to answer.

* * *

You managed to avoid everyone for the whole week. After you came back, your father told you he had pulled you from school. He told the school system he would teach you from home, but that was just so no one came to house looking for you. He never taught you anything.

The three das came and went, you dashing from a room as soon as you heard his footsteps, making dinner and cleaning the house like a ghost. You ordered something online and paid extra for the rushed shipping in order to get it by Saturday. You were really thankful your father didn't noticed small purchases on his credit card. He always made large purchases, so fifteen or twenty dollars here and there never caught his eye.

You had ordered a special DVD set of an anime you though Aphys and Undyne might like to watch together. It was violent, but also funny and points. It was the entire first season on only two discs, a great package.

It had taken you a while, but the nightmares kept you up, giving you plenty of time to make a special card for your favorite lizard monster. The party was in only a few hours, and you still wore the bandage on your face.

You had been trying to keep it covered so it would heal as much as possible. The main cut was healed, but the shiny skin and bruises stood out on your sickly skin. With light touches you dabbed on concealer until it was as covered as you could get it.

Half a bottle of makeup later, there was still a faint shadow over your cheek bone. If anyone looked close enough, it would be obvious you were wearing half a pound of makeup. You put on one of your better outfits, the one that was reserved for dinner parties and such, so you didn't embarrass your father.

Despite the scars left from your adventures Underground, the bruises from the falling books stood out bright and obvious. You also grabbed your jacket, to cover your arms. As long as you didn't take it off, no one should suspect a thing.

You pulled out phone out from under the mattress, checking it one last time. The morning you were supposed to go out with Sans, your phone had blown up with worried texts and calls from him. Thankfully, the monster battery never goes down at all. You had managed to convince him things were alright, but he still seemed off.

You father had left at dawn, leaving the house dark and cold. He never left the heat up, even if you were home all day. He said some people were living on the streets, and that even if the house was chilly it was better than what some had.

Sans had insisted on taking you to the party. You didn't have a car, and Alphys' house was the farthest away, almost twenty minutes by car. It would have taken you an hour and a half to walk, and Sans didn't want you walking alone to the other side of town.

You grabbed the wrapped present and your phone, going to the living room to wait. You weren't allowed to watch the television at home, which was why you catch up with Mettaton's shows at everyone else's house.

The house was silent as you waited, the only sounds were the clock ticking in the kitchen and your own breathing. Suddenly, there was more weight on the couch next to you. The sudden appearance of another body made you jump a foot out of your seat and fall to your knees.

"I-I'm sorry sir!" You hadn't meant to say anything, but it just slipped out. You knelt, wide eyes, staring at the sneakers connected to bone legs. Sans stared down at you, shocked and slightly frightened, his grin fading.

"As much as I get off being called 'sir'," He stared, his tone light but obviously forced. "I don't think that's what this is about."

He held a hand out to help you up, but seeing you flinch away made him curl his fingers back in surprise.

"K-kid-"

"We should head out now. Don't want to be late to the first birthday party up on the surface." You plaster a bright smile on, not letting it show how much it hurt your cheek to smile. You got to your feet and grab your present before heading to the door. Sans shuffled behind you, looking around the house before following.

It struck him odd that the heat was down, and that there were no pictures of you anywhere. It was like you didn't exist.

* * *

You walked a few blocks to the nearest shortcut. You figured out near the beginning that Sans' teleporting powers and his shortcut powers were two completely different things. Teleporting took about three time the amount of magical energy as using a shortcut, so since he teleported into your house, he needed to take a shortcut so as not to pass out.

You walked in relative silence, neither of you making conversation for long. After about ten minutes of awkward three sentence conversations, you made it to the ally that held the shortcut. He took your hand and puled you through the almost invisible crack in the shadows.

It took a disorienting second before you made it to Alphys', or close to Alphys'. The shortcut let out at the bus station about a block from the scientist's lab/home. You stepped through the shadows after Sans, who was there to steady you.

"You wanna talk about that bruise on your face before we make it inside?" Sans asked without looking at you, He was standing under the awning of the bus stop, looking left and right down the street. You felt your stomach drop and your palms start to sweat.

"I d-don't know what you're talking about. There's no bruise." You weakly shot back, not prepared to lie.

"Listen kid, I'm lazy. Not stupid. I know a bruise when I see one, even if it's covered in makeup." He finally looked over his shoulder a fraction.

"I fell down the stairs, and didn't want anyone to worry." You said flatly.

"Let me guess. The stairs make you flinch away from any fast movement too?" He didn't say it with malice or sarcasm. He was never sarcastic, at least not that you could tell.

"W-what? Sans you're getting old." You try to make a joke out of it as you hurry across the street. You could hear Sans' heavy footsteps following close behind, but he didn't say anything about the old joke. Usually he gave a light "Oh hardy har har yes laugh at the skeleton." But no, nothing from the monster.

They walked in silence the last block to the house with the large shed out back. At first, it amused you that the shed was almost the size of the actual house, but you were used to it by now. You knocked on the door, plastering another smile on your face as you heard footsteps approaching.

The door was thrown open by a very loud, very happy fish monster. Undyne puled you in, her talons bruising your shoulder a little. You would never tell her – or anyone – that a good 90% of your scars were from her.

"Hey there punk! When I heard you were coming with this sack of bones I figured you would be late!" She threw her head back and laughed at her own joke, but the only reaction was a tight chuckle rom the skeleton in question. He muttered a greeting and shouldered past her.

Undyne stared after Sans with confusion before turning back to you. She gave a half smile and tilted her head slightly to the right.

"What's biting his bones?" She asked, but you just give her an uncomfortable smile and shrugged. "He's been acting weird since his house warming party. Speaking of which, why did you run out so fast?" She crossed her arms and looked at you oddly.

"Erm, I had to get home. My d-dad needed help with something." You shot her another smile and ducked under her elbow into the kitchen. The party was already in full swing, monsters and humans of all shapes and sizes filled the rooms.

Alphys had joined a team of local scientists when she moved in. Turns out, she really loved plants, so the local botanical researchers were more than happy to have an expert on monster fauna on their team, so you weren't surprised to see humans here.

The monster of the hour was in the living room, sitting in her favorite arm chair. She was chatting adamantly with a monster who had vines instead of hair. When she saw you, she hopped from her chair and rushed over. You had to fight back to urge to take a step back when she came in for a hug. She didn't seem to notice anything as you hugged her and wished her a happy birthday, but something told you there was another pair of eyes was glued to you.

* * *

"… Happy birthday to you!" Everyone sang, some of the younger monsters and Undyne purposely singing the last note in the wrong key. Alphys smiled huge and blew out her candles. Toriel made her a special cake in the shape of her favorite anime character's weapon.

"Aren't you going to have some cake?" Sans asked, suddenly appearing behind you. You nearly jumped out of your skin, your eyes instinctively tearing up in fear.

"I-I'm not hungry." You whisper, staring straight ahead, spine ridged and painfully still.

"You sure? I haven't seen you eat much than a few crackers." He rested a boney hand on your shoulder, causing you to flinch away again. This time, however, he didn't pull away in shock. He expected this to happen. "Why don't you come with me for a little bit?"

You wanted to run, to go to the bathroom and collect your thoughts, but he didn't let up the pressure on your shoulder. Not seeing much of a way to escape this, you followed your friend out the sliding back doors.

The backyard had a few party goers. There were half a dozen in the pool, and another ten or so on the patio milling about. Sans walked right past them, not even acknowledging them. He walked right through the grass directly to the shed. He typed something into a key pad next to the door, which opened with a faint hiss.

"Come on kid. I want to see something." The underlying tone of his voice made you freeze up, and you followed him without question. It was so much like when your father gave you instructions. You could feel the dread pooling in your stomach.

You followed him into the lab, the lights clicking on automatically as the sensors picked up your movement. He didn't look back at you, but you could see his fingers fidgeting as if he was fighting with something internally.

"Step behind the scanner please." He nodded towards a large screen in the corner of the room. You hesitate, not feeling completely comfortable being in Alphys' lab without her.

"Are we allowed in here?" You ask, trying to buy time.

"Other than Alphys, I'm the only on with 24 hour access to this lab. Just like in Hotlands. Now stand behind the scanner please." He was looking at the panel to the left of the scanner, not at you. You heard the command in his tone. You hurried to stand behind the scanner, some primal part of you afraid of what would happen if you disobeyed.

As soon as you were behind the screen, it hummed to life. There was a light buzzing and a light that went from the left to the right of the screen. You stood completely still, nervous what would happen if you moved. You had no idea what this scanner did.

After a minute of buzzing, the scanner quieted down and the light faded. Sans made a noise, but you couldn't see his face from where you were behind the screen.

"Come on out Kiddo. I gotta show you something." His voice gave away nothing, and again you were faced with a dilemma. You didn't really want to know what the scanner scanned, but on the other hand you were afraid of what would happen. You stepped out from behind the screen and walked over to where Sans stood.

He was holding a little screen in his hands, looking at some small writing scrolling from top to bottom. When he sensed you next to him, he turned so the screen was in your view. You didn't know what to expect, but seeing your soul on the little screen was not it.

It had been months since you last saw your soul. You haven't had any encounters since the barrier was broken, so there was no reason for it to be brought out. Seeing it filled you with a sense of nostalgia.

But it was different. Instead of it being bright cherry red, it was… smudged. The edges looked almost bruised, a darker brownish red seeping into the bright, healthy red. The surface of the heart was dented as well, knicks and dings decorating the small soul. You stared at it, not sure what this meant. Even in your months Underground, even with all the battled and injuries, your soul had never sustained any actual injuries.

"You see, although monster souls and human souls are very different, they do share several qualities. One of them, the most important in this case, is their ability to heal and bounce back. If a monster is hurt, it is quite easy for them to heal, same with humans." Sans explained, looking at the screen with uncharacteristic seriousness. "However, if something happens to them emotionally, the soul takes on physical damage. It's been a fond enigma for scientists for hundreds of years. Why does physical injury not affect the soul's appearance, but emotional hurt change it so drastically?"

Sans didn't sound like himself at all. You would have put money on this being how he sounded before he quit his job as a scientist, or rather left. Or kicked out. You never really knew why Sans stopped being a Scientist, only that is was something really scarring for him. He continued his science lesson.

"This has been seen mostly in abuse victims." You felt a sinking feeling in your stomach as he swiped through a collection of pictures. All showed various sized and colored souls, all with similar bruising and denting. "A soul, especially a child's, thrives off affection, trust and similar things. When a soul is denied these emotions, or are betrayed in a sense, they start to deteriorate. Most monster children in this kind of situation die from their soul just giving out before their abuser kills them outright."

He finally turned and looked at you, his eye sockets wide and his smile turned down at the corners. He placed the tablet on the table off to the side and turned to you fully. He put his hands out in an almost pleading gesture.

"What is your pops doing to you kid? And there's no point lying. I have the data that proves you have soul damage and physical damage." He looked at you with pleading eyes, and you wanted to lie, wanted to tell him everything was fine. "I see the way you flinch away when someone tries to touch you. When something moves too fast at you..."

"He doesn't do anything bad. I owe him my life. He keeps me warm, and fed. Gives me a room all to myself and clothing. He just has rules. It's my own fault that I upset him." You say quickly, wanting to clear the air.

"What does he do to you?" Sans sounded dangerous.

"He just reminds me how lucky I am." You say in a quiet voice.

" _What?"_ He almost hisses out. He lifts a hand and brushed a gentle tough to your cheek. The cold bones felt nice against the bruise, but you flinched away out of habit.

"I dropped his dinner… He was reminding me that I could be living in the streets. He just wants me to stay humble. He says pride will be humanity's downfall."

 _"What. Did. He. Do."_ Sans ground out, no longer looking anything like the smiling skeleton you befriended.

"Back handed me and threw me into a bookshelf. It wasn't anything too bad. I had worse in the Underground." You say, slightly afraid of Sans now.

"How didn't we notice?" He asked, more to himself than to you. "Months… _months…_ You've been living with that _ass_ for months and no one noticed you were being abused." He slammed his hands on the table, causing the piles of papers to tremble and scatter.

"I'm not being a-abused." The lie caught in your throat.

"Bullshit kid. You and I both know that's a dirty lie." He wasn't growling anymore, but the pent up rage was obvious in his voice.

"You can't tell anyone."

"Why the hell not, huh?" He whipped his head around to look at you, blue fire crackling in his left eye socket.

"I need him. He takes care of me." You repeated the words that had been drilled into your head since your mother ran off.

"I need you. I can take care of you." Sans threw back at you. "What about Tori? Pap? Hell, even Grillby would be more than happy to take you in! We all care about you so much. I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing I let you go back to that house, with that man."

"There's nothing I can do." You admit, feeling guilty. "There's no way he would let me leave."

"What time does he get back from work?" He asked, his tone almost dead. He was looking down at his own phone, as if debating whether or not to call someone.

"Usually not until after ten." You respond, not sure why Sans wanted to know.

"Perfect. Come on kid. We have something important to do." He grabbed the tablet and almost ran out the door. You had to sprint to keep up.

"What about Alphys' party? We can't just leave!" You were out if ideas on how to make him stop.

"We've all guessed this is what was happening. We talked about it quite a bit after you ran off last weekend. Everyone's behind you kid." He grinned at you, and you felt your jaw drop.

"W-wait Sans!" You ran after him, trying to get him to stop. Sans was walking straight towards Undyne, who was standing behind Alphys. He nodded once, and her face went from a wide grin to a somber straight face. She nodded back once, and looked at you briefly.

Sans was suddenly next to you, grabbing your hand with his. Before you could ask what he was doing, you were back in your house. The lights were still off, the heat still down. Your father wasn't supposed to be home for at least four more hours.

The skeleton walked right up the stairs, and you automatically followed. He only spoke to ask you which room was yours. You pointed out the second door on the right, and he made a beeline for it. He threw the door open and his face went from determined to blank as he saw the bareness of the room.

He went to the closet and started digging around, but you didn't bother trying to stop him. They always said monsters couldn't hold determination in them, but Sans could be pretty damned determined when he wanted to be.

He grunted and pulled something out of the back of the closet. It was your old duffle bag. You only ever used it when your father had to bring you on trips. Since he refused to let you of the hotel room for the days of the trips, it was big enough for you to fill with plenty of things to distract yourself with.

Not bothering to ask you, he started tearing clothing off hangers and messily folding them before throwing them into the bag. Everything in your closet barely filled half of the large bag. He went over to the dresser and opened the top drawer.

He didn't seem the least bit fazed as he tossed your undergarments into the bag, along with your socks and shirts and pants. It seemed like you were frozen as he moved around the room with an eerie grace. He was like a cat that knew he had to seek and destroy.

Sans went over to the desk and began going through the drawers. He gathered the notebooks, the paper, the pens and the pencils, the CDs and knick knacks you had hidden from your father over the years. They were all placed in the bag.

"Go gather your stuff from the bathroom." He said simply as he moved to fold up the comforter. You were finally released from whatever was holding you down. You moved to the bathroom, gathering up your shampoo, conditioner, shaving cream, razor, hair brush tooth brush, and pretty much everything else in the room. There wasn't anything extra, just what you needed. The first aid kid, the toothpaste, your makeup for your wounds.

By the time you got everything together, he had the blanket and sheets folded nice and neat with the pillow on top. The room looked somehow barer now that everything was gone, other than the furniture and a few hangers.

Sans took the bathroom stuff from your arms and started loading the pockets on the front of the bag. When everything was packed away, he turned to you.

"Anything else you want to take with you?" He asked pointedly. You remembered something in his bedroom, which he never let you see. You rushed to his room and opened the door nervously. As if you expected him to be sitting on the bed, waiting for you.

You rushed to the dresser and dug through the jewelry box until you found it. A slender silver ring with a clear stone in the middle. Your mother's wedding ring. She left if when she left. Your father tried making her out to be the bad guy, but you were old enough to know why she really left. The ring was already strung on a chain, so you slipped it over your head and went back to your room.

Sans was standing by the desk, looking down at a piece of paper. He had written a note for your father. He had the bag slung over one shoulder. You went and grabbed the blankets. Carrying them under one arm. Sans grabbed your free hand. You got a quick look at it before he teleported you away. You only caught one line.

 _If you come looking, we'll go to the police about what you did._

* * *

He teleported you into a dark room. You saw a bare bed and an empty closet. Sans sagged onto the bed, the drain on his powers starting to get to him. He dropped the bag on the hardwood floors and chuckled quietly.

"Sans are you…" You wanted to comfort him somehow.

"Hehe just unpack kiddo. If we hurry, we can make it back to the party." He stood, swaying a little on his feet.

"Sans, where are we?"

"It's my spare room. You're stayin with me and Pap from now on." He walked to the door and flicked the light on. You blinked at the sudden light.

"Why are you doing this?" You ask, looking at your feet.

"Because kid. Anyone who messes with my family is going to have a bad time." He left the room, leaving you with a warm feeling in your chest. It didn't take you long to unpack, but then again you didn't really unpack much. You threw some of your things into the dresser, but you didn't hang anything up. You tossed the still half full bag into a corner before heading out the door Sans left through.

The house was instantly familiar, having helped set most of it up a few weeks prior. You could hear Sans in the kitchen, talking rapidly to someone. You couldn't make out what he was saying, but you could hear emotions in his voice.

"All set kiddo?" He asked. You didn't realize he noticed your entrance. You just nod, still trying to wrap your head around everything that's happened in the past… you checked the clock. The past forty five minutes. He teleported for a third time, landing you directly in the middle of Alphys' kitchen. As soon as the little yellow monster caught sight of the two of you, she ushered everyone out of the room.

"W-what happened S-sans?" Alphys asked, but her face showed she knew already.

"I finally got a confession. We moved everything to the spare room in my house. Hopefully nothing like this will happen to the kid again."

"Jeez punk. Why didn't you tell us?" Undyne leaned up against the counter and crossed her arms. You just shrugged and looked away.

"Well, we are here for you now, human. No need to worry ever again!" Papyrus came over and scooped you into a huge hug. It was one of the first hugs you've gotten in a long time.

"You know what Pap? I think you're right." You smiled, and for the first time in a while, it was completely real.

* * *

 **I've kind of been putting off the parental abuse chapters because I didn't think I would be able to write it well, but I tried. The next chapter is going to be a different type of parental abuse, but it won't be out for a few more days.**

 **Thank you everyone for supporting me and my writing! I don't remember if I mentioned it in my last update, but I'm definitely getting better, mentally and all. Tomorrow starts my Spring semester and I'm really anxious.**

 **Just the thought of starting classes makes my stomach queasy, so I wrote this out. I may just write the next chapter directly after I post this instead of eating dinner because I'm freaking out a little.**

 **Until next time!**

 **~Starlight**


	26. Through a Child's Eyes- parental neglect

**Warnings- parental abuse in the form of neglecting, mentions of self-harm and suicide from a child's perspective. Also reader is a child, maybe five or six.**

* * *

You follow after Sans, confused but excited. You watched as he walked in the opposite direction of Grillby's.

"Um, Sans…?" You ask, not sure how to tell him he was going the wrong way.

"I know a short cut Kiddo. Come on, it's break time." He grinned. He had just made a joke about two jobs meaning twice the amount of legally required breaks. You had giggled, and his grin grew even wider.

You grab his hand, your small fingers wrapping around his larger bone ones. Despite being bone, his hand was warm. Despite being small, you never felt belittled by the monsters. You took three steps to the right and suddenly you were in the doorway of the bar.

You stared in amazement at the skeleton, who blushed a little under your wide stare. The monsters seated in the building waved at Sans, and smiled at you, seeing how you had just met them less than an hour ago.

Sans walked you up to the bar, where two empty stools stood as if they were waiting for you and your lunch date. You struggled to climb up on the stool, your tiny head barely reaching the cushion. Sans chuckled and picked you up, placing you on the seat gently.

"Whatcha in the mood for kid? Grillbz got the best fries and burgers in all the Underground." He grinned even wider as the flame being came over to greet them. Grillby nodded to you, and you smiled back. You liked Grillby.

"Um, could I have a burger?" You realized you hadn't eaten anything filling since you fell down, and your tummy growled at the thought of a burger. Sans nodded and held up two fingers.

"Two orders of burg please." Sans said to Grillby, who nodded and left through the fire exit. Sans winked at you and grabbed a bottle of ketchup, pulling it over to him. With a practiced flick of the thumb, he opened the bottle and squirted the red liquid directly into his mouth. It disappeared down his throat and he shuddered as it went down his throat.

You stare at him with furrowed brows. Suddenly, there wasn't a skeleton sitting next to you, but a woman. A woman with long brown hair and tired eyes and scratches on her wrist. She drank from the green bottle and shuddered just like Sans did. You were snapped from your memory when Sans placed a hand on your head.

"You okay kid? You look like your head it a thousand miles away."

"Are you sad, Sans?" You ask, your child's mind not realizing how odd of a question it was, especially in a bar. Sans sat back in his stool, eyes wide and bones slightly whiter.

"W-what do you mean Kiddo?" the lights in his eyes looked away, towards the fire door maybe.

"Mommy drank like that when she was sad… So she always drank like that. Is ketchup like the happy juice mommy drank?" You asked, not realizing you were never supposed to see that side of 'mommy'.

"Erm, that's a little dark, doncha think kiddo?" Sans chuckled awkwardly, not sure what to say.

"Dark? But it's daytime…" You glance out the window, seeing the light glistening off the snow brightly.

"Hehe never mind kiddo. Look, there's Grillbz with our lunch!" As Sans spoke, the fire door was pushed open and Grillby walked out carrying two plates of burgers. The fire being seemed to sense the tension in Sans' shoulders and raised a single fiery eye brow as he placed the plates down. Sans shook his head and gave him a pointed look that went right over your head.

Sans was about to offer you some ketchup, but remember what you told him and thought better of it. You dug in happily, not noticing the strange look Sans was giving you.

"Say kiddo… what made you think I was sad?" Sans asked casually, wanting to know a little more about your past without seeming like he was prying.

"Oh that's easy! Mommy started crying all the time after Daddy stopped coming home. She got special happy juice, but it just made her cry more. I don't know why she kept drinking it, but it made her smell bad and throw up all the time. She stopped dressing up and going to work. She worked at a biiiig office building. She was always sleeping too, sleeping and scratching at her arm. I told her to go to the doctor if her arm itched so much, but she just started crying again." You put the burger down, suddenly sad yourself. "She stopped playing with me…" You sniffled, tears stinging your eyes. "I… I don't know what I did to make her stop loving me." You burst into tears, sobbing and trying to wipe your nose with your sweater. Sans jumped and rushed to put his arms around you.

"Hey now Kiddo. No need to cry." He rubbed your back like he used to with Papyrus when he was a baby. You turned your face into his jacket, crying into the fabric. "Shhh, shh. It's fine. I'm sure your mom loved you plenty."

"I told her it was too many. She always told me I was a smart kid, but she didn't listen." You mumbled into his jacket. Sans froze as he realized what you said. He started shaking a little, afraid he was right about what you said.

"T-too many what kid?" Sans asked, looking at Grillby for help. Grillby looked at the skeleton with a worried expression, not sure what to say. He went back through the fire exit just as you spoke again.

"Too many of the sleepy candies. She would take two, but she accidentally took them all." You sniffed, wiping your eyes again. Your face was flushed red and your eyes were swollen from crying. Grillby came back through the fore door with a small bowl. He placed it down in front of you and you managed a small smile.

He placed a small bowl of ice cream in front of you, with a smile made of chocolate sauce and a cherry on top. You giggle at the face and take a big bite, the sweet cold making you feel a little better already. Sans still stood directly next to you.

When you finished your ice cream, you felt much better. You almost forgot completely about what you were talking about earlier. You offered Sans a bite, who smiled weakly and ate it, eating all the treat off the spoon. You giggle as he chomped on the spoon, and your giggles made his smile relax a little more.

"Hey kid, why don't you go pet Greater Dog for a sec? I gotta talk to Grillbz." He smiled and ruffled your hair. You just smile back and hop off the stool, but since it was so high you almost tumble off completely. A blue magic surrounded you and gently lowered you to the ground. You look up at Sans, whose hand was outstretched. A little blue flame was lit in his eye.

You laughed again and rushed over to the Greater Dog, excited for more petting. Sans turned to Grillby, letting his smile fall.

"What am I going to do Grillbz?" He sighed, resting his elbow on the bar and placing his head in his hand. "This kid is all kinds of messed up, and I don't know what to do!" He was beyond exasperated and his limited options.

"What about keeping them with you?" Grillby crackled out, gathering the plates from your meal.

"I can't care for a kid!" Sans whisper yelled, looking at his friend incredulously.

"You raised Papyrus, didn't you?" He crackled back.

"I can't take care of a-" Sans stopped himself from telling Grillby you were a human. He picked up a paper napkin and shredding it nervously. "But I can't let them go off on their own… it's obvious their mom- and well they'll be all alone. And the Underground is dangerous for a grown monster… a kid their size wouldn't last ten minutes." He was babbling at this point, but he didn't know what to do. A sudden, loud giggle caught his attention.

Looking to the side, he saw you being licked by Greater Dog, your face covered in slobber and a huge grin on your little face. He felt his soul thrum a little at the sight. It had been so long since Papyrus needed him…

"Hey Kiddo." He walked over to you, who was trying to wipe the slobber off your cheek. "It looks like it's starting to get dark out. How about you come to stay with my bro and me. You can take a warm bath and sleep in a bed."

You look up at Sans and nod frantically. It had been days since you last had a bath, and even though you were just a kid, you knew you needed to get clean. And the prospect of a real bed made you tear up a little. Last night you had made a little igloo in the snow and slept against a rock.

"Yes please!" You said, grinning. Sans realized you were missing a front tooth, the gapped grin reminding him of his brother. He smiled and rubbed the back of his head with his hand.

"Alrighty. Let's head home then." He held out a hand, and you look it happily, glad to have some guidance in your life. You followed him close behind, going over to the two story house about twenty feet from the bar. It struck you how small the town was.

"Pap? I'm home." Sans called to the house. Suddenly there was a loud crash from the kitchen. Papyrus came running out, his long limbs causing him to trip. He caught sight of you and grinned widely.

"Welcome Human! I knew you would not be able to stay away from the Great Papyrus for long!" He laughed his signature laugh. You giggle and put your arms out for a hug. The taller skeleton smiled wide and scooped you up happily.

He spun you around, laughing and smiling. You felt so happy, like before Mommy went to sleep and left you alone. Your mood dropped as you remember how you felt after Mommy fell asleep, alone and cold. Papyrus sensed your mood change and put you down.

"Are you okay, tiny human?" He asked, his naturally loud voice quiet with worry. You just nod your head and give him a half smile. You didn't like seeing his smile go away. Sans caught the mood and stepped in, an uneasy smile on his skull.

"Hey kid. You wanted a bath, right?" He asked, holding his hand out to you. You nod more vigorously and picked at the crusty hem of your sweater. He smiled a little more naturally and led you upstairs, to a bathroom at the end of the hallway.

It was a nice little bathroom, with white and blue tiling, blue rugs and towels and a vase of fake blue flowers on the white sink. He looked over at you and furrowed his brow bones.

"Oh hey I never asked if you'd want a bath or a shower. What have you kid?" He asked, pulling the shower curtain aside.

"What's a shower?" You ask, unfamiliar with the word. He pulled his hand back from the curtain in surprise.

"Erm, the water falls from that spout, like rain kinda. It's pretty ncie, if I say so myself." He explained. You looked at the shower distrustfully and realize you did know what it was. You felt tears building as the tightness in your chest made it hard to breath.

"I know what that is… it shoots blood at you." You say, your voice quivering with fear. Sans' eyes widened in shock, not sure what to do with a crying child.

"W-what makes you think it… shoots… blood at you?" He asked, confused.

"M-mommy would go into the bathroom and I would hear water running like rain, and when I went in after there was red all over the tub and the curtains. It hurt her…" You explain, your tiny hands shaking at the memory. San' skull whitened as he connected the dots.

"W-well Kiddo, that's… well that's not what usually happens… I think your Mommy was just… sick? Here look." He turned the water on, turning the knob so the water ran through the shower head. You looked at the stream of water curiously. Why was there no red? You asked yourself. You reached a hand out and touched the warm water.

"I wanna bath please…" You mutter, not comfortable with the clear shower. He just nodded and turned the shower off. Plugging the drain, he let the tub fill up as he twisted the shower curtain and tossed it over the top so it was out of the way.

"Why doncha get out of those nasty clothes? I can dig up something clean and patch you up. Looks like you got beat good." He pulled out a towel from the closet and placed it on the edge of the sink before digging around under the sink and pulling out a little white box.

You tried to take off your sweater, but the fabric was stuck to your shoulder by some dried blood. You let out a yelp as the scab was pulled at. Sans' gentle fingers worked the fabric free and pulled the sweater over your head. He got a look at your wounds for the first time and you thought he looked a little green.

Your pants were a little easier to take off, the large holes and cuts in the fabric making it easy to strip off and go directly into the trash can. Sans lifted you into the warm water, smiling faintly as you giggled when your feet touched the bubbles.

He patiently wiped you down, rinsing the blood soaked wash cloth every few minutes. He silently rinsed the dried blood from your hair as you giggled, splashing and playing with the bubbles. He sighed sadly as you flinched when the soap got into the deeper wounds.

"So many wounds…" He muttered under his breath as he rinsed your hair once again, the water still running faintly pink. The whole tub was almost as red as pomegranates. "Here kiddo, step out of the tub. I'm going to get some fresh water in the tub and let you play for a little bit while I round up some clothes, okay?"

You nod, already feeling better. The dried blood had been making your skin itchy and tight. Now you felt clean and warm. The idea of having more time to play with the bubbles made you smile, so you let Sans lift you out of the tub and wrap the towel around you. He pulled the plug, and you watched the red water swirl down the drain. Within minutes he had filled it back up with warm water and even more bubbles. Sans took the towel from you and draped it on the towel holder next to the tub and carefully placed you back in the bubbles.

You immediately went back to playing with the bubbles as Sans gathered your soiled clothes and leaving the bathroom, keeping the door open a crack.

Sans walked over to his own room first, leaving the rags in a pile by the door frame. He dug through his dresser, not finding anything that would really fit you. He grabbed an old t-shirt from when he was a younger monster. He figured there was still some of Papyrus' baby clothes in the shed, and there might be some clothes to fit you.

Leaving his room, he tossed the clean shirt over to the bathroom and snagged the pile. Teleporting to the shed, he stopped outside of the door, throwing the old clothing away in the trash cans between the house and the shed.

"Alright, come on lady luck give me some clothes." Sans muttered under his breath, his words fogging up in the cold air. He unlocked the door and let himself in. Despite being out of the wind, it was still freezing in the small room. He smiled faintly at the makeshift cage, reminiscent of Papyrus' human capturing stunts.

There were boxes piled in the far corner, almost so far out of the way that it was easy to overlook them. He looked at the labeling on some of them, going through boxes of books and blankets and board games. Finally he found the keepsake box.

Sans, being the kind of monster he is, saved a lot of the things from Papyrus' childhood. Clothing, games, toys, puzzles. It was like a memory box of his baby brother. He shuffled through the layers until he found a pair of purple shorts that looked to be about your size. He also found a smallish sweater with pink and purple stripes. He smiled fondly, remembering the day he gave Pap the sweater, back before they moved to Snowidn. Back before Gaster… He shook his head and gathered the clothes. With a flick of the wrist, he closed the boxes and teleported back to the hallway, not bothering to lock the shed behind him. He knew no one would want to steal their books. Grabbing the t-shirt, he pushed the door open.

"Hey kiddo, found some stuff for you to wear-" He cut himself off, staring at the tub in horror. You were floating, upside down, not moving. Dropping the clothes, Sans ran to the side of the tub, his hands shaking as he flipped you around.

He felt the tears building for the split second that you didn't move, but you suddenly spit out water directly into his face. You looked at him confused, not sure why he looked like he was about to cry.

"What's wrong?" You asked, wiping some bubbles from your face.

"I thought… I'm just glad you're okay kiddo." His voice shook as he wiped some of the bubbles away from your eyes. You looked at him confused. You wondered why he was so worked up just because you were holding your breath.

You liked holding your breath under water. It made you feel safe, having the sounds muffled and the light all bending. It made you feel better.

"I think I want to get out now…" You said, wanting Sans to stop looking at you like you were going to disappear. Your words snapped him from his stare, blinking and grabbing your towel again. You used his magic to gently lift you from the cooling water and wrapped the towel around you snuggly. He dried you off carefully, as if you were breakable.

"Here kiddo. Found some clothes that should fit you. I'll step out of the room so you can get dressed, alright? The t-shirt is for sleeping, and the sweater is for the morning, alright?" He smiled at you and stepped out of the bathroom.

You found the pile of clothing he left on the floor, digging through it. You smiled at the purple shorts, noticing the little smiling skull decal on the pocket. They were a little bit big, but then again you were a very small child.

The shirt was about ten times bigger than the shorts, the hem falling down to your knees and the 'short sleeves' hanging past your elbows, but it smelled like comfort and you really liked it. After you were dressed, you looked at the sweater, liking the stripes on it. It reminded you of one of your favorite sweaters back home.

You grabbed the sweater and left the bathroom. Sans was waiting right outside the door, something in his hand. Smiling at you, he waved the object at you.

"Come on kiddo. I'll brush your hair out. Paps should be watching Mettaton right about now." He put his free hand out. You took his hand and followed him down the stairs into the living room. As expected, Papyrus was sitting on the couch. He was wearing loose sweatpants and a hoodie. You thought he looked really comfy.

Sans sat on the far end of the couch, leaving a space in the middle for you. He turned to the side, facing in, and began brushing your hair gently. You tried to keep your eyes open, but the feeling of the brush moving through your hair and the warmth from the monsters on either side lulled you to sleep within minutes.

Sans watched as your eyes slipped shut, sighing and putting the brush to the side. Papyrus was being unusually quiet. Usually he commented all through the program, but tonight he was silent. Papyrus glanced over at you with a strange look on his face.

"What's wrong Pap? You look sick." Sans asked his brother. Papyrus looked away and sighed.

"They are so small… and yet look at them. Cut, bruised… they do not deserve this kind of treatment from us." Papyrus said quietly, looking at the credits of Mettaton's show. Every credit said 'Mettaton'.

"They didn't know. They were just doing what they thought were right. How could they have known the kid was so young?"

"I do not like it. I am supposed to report any human activity to Undyne, but…" He trailed off, not having to finish his sentence for Sans to understand what he meant.

"You know, you don't have to tell her. They could stay with us… they'll look like a normal monster kid with your old sweater and maybe a hat." Sans suggested, knowing the idea would never really work.

"Brother…" Papyrus trailed off again. Sans just chuckled deeply.

"Yeah, it was a dumb idea… I'm just worried."

"About the human?" Papyrus asked.

"Yeah, and not just with the fighting thing. This kid…. This kid's been through some serious shit bro. I don't think they know what really happened though. They're too young to realize…"

"Sans what are you talking about?"

"Well, they talked about how their mom drank 'happy juice' when she was sad, how there were scratches on her arm, how the shower rained red instead of water… this kid doesn't know what depression is, I'm guessing. They didn't realize that their mom killed herself… or at least tried to." Sans ran his fingers through your drying hair, but you were deeply asleep and didn't stir.

"Oh dear…" Papyrus furrowed his brow bones and stared at the commercials. He opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again. He tried again. "Kind of like you."

Sans felt his soul drop, that feeling in your chest when someone says something that really hits home. He stared at your sleeping form, not really seeing you. His hands were shaking a little

"Papyrus look-"

"Sans, there is no need to hide this from me anymore. I know what you went through. I talked to Dr. Alphys about it. I can understand why you didn't tell me, back when I was younger, but I was really hoping you would trust me when I grew up."

"It's not that I don't trust you Paps… It's just hard to talk about. Especially with someone who you care about." Sans whispered, eyes going dark.

"What are we going to do with the human?" Papyrus asked, letting the topic drop. He would talk to his brother about his depression later, when there wasn't a possibly scarred child in their presence. Papyrus looked over at the small smile on your face as you took a particularly deep breath in your sleep and snuggle into Sans' lap more.

"We can't let them go out alone. They're trying to get to Asgore, but they'll die as soon as they leave Snowdin."

"We should keep them here." Papyrus said, finality in his voice. "No one in Snowdin is going to ask about a new small monster child, and if Undyne asks we can say they are our family from the Capital." Papyrus suggested. It struck Sans odd how eager he was to go against Undyne, but it made him proud also.

Papyrus was growing up, making his own decisions. It struck Sans that Papyrus wasn't a baby bones anymore. It was obvious, seeing how the younger was easily two feet taller than the older, but it never really stuck in his head that Papyrus really was an adult.

"That's a good plan Paps. I knew you'd be able to come up with something." Sans smiled gently at his brother. "We should get the kid into a real bed. Don't think they've had a real night's sleep in a while."

"They can sleep in my bed!" Papyrus perked up. "They would be much more comfortable in my cool racecar bed rather than that hovel you call a room."

"Hehe you're right again bro. Why don't you go tuck them in? I have something to take care of." Sans hopped off the couch as Papyrus picked you up. Your small frame looked even smaller in his long bone arms.

Sans left the house, but only went down the street. Grillby's sign glowed bright in the darkness, the snowflakes dancing in front of the red and orange lights. He pushed the door open with practiced ease. The bar was almost empty, seeing how it was almost 10 in the evening. Grillby looked up and furrowed his eyes brows. Sans never came in this late, not anymore at least.

"Sans." Grillby said, his voice soft. "Are you falling back into bad habits again?"

Sans just chuckled without much humor. Oh the irony of it all.

"Ya know, that's the second time that's been brought up today." He reached for a ketchup bottle. "But no, I'm not. It's about the kid that was with me earlier. They're… not in a good place." He sipped the red liquid and rubbed the top of his head.

"What is wrong with them?" Grillby asked, wiping down some crumbs off the bar.

"Their mom left them all alone. Kid said something about taking too many 'sleepy candies'…" Sans sighed heavily. "Kid's mom offed herself, and they don't know anything's wrong."

"Sounds very serious."

"You don't know the half of it Grillbz. Can I tell ya something? Can ya promise not to tell anyone else?" Sans asked, a key of desperation leaking into his tone. Grillby's face turned somber as he nodded. As a bartender, it was his job to listen without telling. "The Kid's a human." Sans whispered to his oldest friend. Grillby bristled, his flames growing and spitting.

"Sans what are you thinking?" Grillby rose his voice, something that rarely happened. The few straggles in the bar flinched at the sound and looked at the fire monster with a mix of shock and concern. The only time the bartender ever raised his voice was when someone was causing trouble in the business.

"I can't just off 'em Grillbz! You should have seen them… they don't know what's happening. They don't know why everyone's attacking them, why their mom abandoned them. I'm going to try to get the full story when they wake up. And don't try to call the Royal Guard on us. Papyrus and I will protect the kid with all our strength." Sans let the threat hang in the air for a second.

"If Undyne or King Asgore find out… you will be in a lot of trouble. You're practically harboring a fugitive."

"They're just a _kid_ Grillby! A _child._ Paps' baby clothes were too big on them. Even if they could find a way to hurt us, they're so small someone could accidentally step on them and end it all."

"Is this because of what happened with Papyrus?" Grillby asked after a long pause. Sans flinched so violently he almost fell out of his seat. He was suddenly brought back to that day, so many years ago.

 _Papyrus was on the ground, clutching his eye. Gaster stood over his, his usually professional face twisted in fear. Sans ran forward, the sleeves of his lab coat reaching past his palm. He knelt next to his brother, who was writhing in pain._

 _"What did you do to him?" Sans screamed, never taking his horrified eyes off the red tears leaking from his brother's eyes._

 _"It was an accident. This was not an expected outcome of the experiment-" Gaster tried to explain. Sans whirled around and cut him off._

 _"_ _ **Experiment?**_ _You promised me you would never lay a finger on my brother, you lying bastard!" Sans tried to throw himself at the scientist, but found himself surrounded by a navy blue magic. Gaster had one hand out, his magic surrounding the smaller skeleton._

 _"He came to me, Sans." He said calmly, not letting Sans down. "It was just supposed to be a checkup, but something sparked this. I never meant to hurt your brother."_

 _"He came to you?" Sans asked, so shocked he felt numb._

 _"He said he wanted to help you. Wanted to protect you." Gaster said calmly. Sans felt tears leak from his eyes as Papyrus cried out and fell silent._

 _"_ _ **Papyrus!"**_ _Sans screamed. His own magic overpowered Gaster's, as the older monster knew it would. Sans fell to the ground and ran over to his brother. He gathered Papyrus up in his arms, his pink and purple sweater stained with glowing tears._

 _"Sans…"_

 _"I'm leaving, Gaster. You crossed the one line I can't ignore. If you ever come near me or my brother again, I'll make you regret it." He ground out, picking his brother up in his arms. Gaster didn't say anything as the shorter skeleton left the lab, not looking back._

 _Sans didn't know that would be the last time he saw Gaster._

"Sans, you can't let this… _human_ child send you back to that place." Grillby said. It was after Sans brought Papyrus back from that fateful day in the lab, his emotional health went downhill. Papyrus was too young at that point, and just recovered himself. He never noticed his brother's depression, but the other townsfolk did.

"I can't fail the kid too." Sans whispered, his fists clenching on the bar top.

"Sans you didn't fail Papyrus." Grillby was brought back to the dozens of time he said the same thing to the skeleton back when he drunk himself into a stupor several nights a week to escape his own guilt.

"Hehe, oh Grillby… If only we could all be so optimistic." Sans sighed again, desperation dripping from his words.

"Sans, if this child means so much to you, I will help in any way I can." Grillby placed his warm hand over Sans' fist. The skeleton smiled at the familiar warmth, his fist relaxing some.

"I don't know how to deal with an emotionally messed up kid. I didn't exactly deal with Papyrus the right way…" He chuckled sadly again. "I really messed up…"

"Sans, you were a great role model for Papyrus. Even though you were so tired all the time, you still cooked with him, helped him train. He looks up to you, even to this day." Grillby tried to appease his friend's grief, but there was no getting through to the skeleton.

"I should be getting home. I'll tell you if I need anything, alright?" Sans stood, his back creaking with the motion.

"Take care of yourself Sans." Was the only farewell the fire monster gave his dear friend. He watched his friend leave the bar, a heavy feeling in his chest. Grillby had been the one to find Sans in a very compromising position, kneeling in his kitchen with a large knife aimed at his soul.

Grillby shuttered at the memory and prayed to a higher power to keep Sans safe.

* * *

"Can you tell me where your Mommy went?" Sans asked you. You were sitting at the kitchen, happily eating the pile of toast in front of you. Papyrus had asked what you want you wanted for breakfast, and you kept chanting 'Toast! Toast!' until he made a plate of it. You put the crust on your plate and wiped your mouth on the back of your hand.

"I told you. She took her sleepy candies." You were confused. Why did Sans look so sad?

"Yeah, but what happened after that?" He pushed.

"She kept sleeping. I tried waking her up, but she must have been really sleepy. After two days, I went to look for Daddy. I thought maybe he could wake Mommy up. He always talked about hiking on the mountain. He took me on a pic-i-nick there on my birthday before he left. I tripped over those vines and woke up down here." You said with your usual childlike tone. Totally factual, like you were telling him what happened in school that day.

"Oh god…" Papyrus muttered under his breath. Sans could only stare at his hands. You had no home to go back to. A father that left and a mother that…

"Hey kiddo." Sans got your attention back from the jelly you were spreading on your toast. "What would you say if we wanted you to live here? With us."

"I would love to! But I have to get home to Mommy. She'll be sad if she wakes up all alone." You smile innocently at him, not understanding why he made a choking sound.

"I think your Mommy went to find your Daddy. It'll be best if you stay with Papyrus and me for a while." Sans said softly, afraid of scaring you off. You scrunched your little nose and looked at the plate of crusts in front of you.

"But… won't I be attacked?" You ask, not realizing your statement was way too profound for someone your age. Sans just flinched away.

"We'll keep you safe." Papyrus spoke up.

"Yeah kiddo. Me, and Paps, and Grillbz, and all our friends. We'll make sure nothing ever hurts you again." Sans said, more serious than you had ever heard him before. You sit in silence for a second before saying something that brought tears to both the skeleton's eyes.

"My Mommy isn't waking up, is she?" You say, not entirely sad but not entirely lively. You almost said it like a statement, but it sound twisted being said in such a high, young voice.

"We'll always take care of you kid." Sans didn't have to agree or disagree. Tears built up in your eyes. You suddenly didn't want your toast anymore.

"Do you think she's happy now?" You ask, sniffling slightly.

"Yeah kiddo. I think she's happy now. Especially because you're safe." Sans replied, placing a gently hand on your cheek. Your small hands came up to rest on his large bone one, snuggling your face into his hand.

"I miss my mommy." You started crying into his hand. Sans sniffed a little himself and moved to kneel next to you. He wrapped his arms around you.

"I know kiddo. It's hard, but you've got us now. We'll be like one big happy family. You, me and Pap, the best family in the whole Underground." He poked your stomach gently, causing you to giggle through your tears.

"A family… that sounds nice." You smile through your tears, sniffling and wiping your eyes on the sweater sleeve.

"We'll make all the other families jealous over how awesome of a family we are. We'll strike envy in the hearts of every family ever, because we're such a perfect family." Sans said, poking your stomach every time he said 'family'. Soon, you were a giggling mess, tears falling down your face from laughing so hard.

You finally managed to stand upright. You threw yourself at Sans, who was still kneeling at your height. You wrapped your arms around his neck and hugged him as if you were afraid he would vanish into thin air.

"Thank you…" You whisper into his shoulder. You felt another pair of arms wrap around both you and Sans. Papyrus had knelt next to you, hugging you both at the same time.

"Everything will be fine now, small human. I, the Great Papyrus promise you! And I never go back on a promise!" He exclaimed loudly, causing your ear to ring, but that was oaky.

Because you were home.

* * *

 **Alright a little different than the usual hurt/comfort chapter format. For the first time in a few weeks, I actually have solid ideas for some of the upcoming chapters.**

 **I'm kinda excited to sake it up a little. It'll be different POVs and characters and such, like the reader going through a normal day, not realizing Sans' is depressed or has PTSD until you're woken by his nightmare, and things like Mettaton dealing with the pressure to keep up his looks for fans or getting into drugs because of the pressures of fame.**

 **I know I do this at the end of every chapter, but thank you everyone for being so supportive. I keep getting offers to talk, and it honestly makes me cry because I'm so used to being brushed aside by my family and stuff, so thank you so much everyone.**

 **Anyone catch the lowkey Sansby? Cuz I love that ship. That and Papyon are my OTPs for Undertale. I think maybe NicePants is third on that list. Man I just love the idea of cranky old Burgerpants with the Nice Cream guy. Ah warms my cold, dead heart.**

 **ALSO! If anyone follows me on Tumblr (itsalwaysagoodtimetoeatcake) send me a message! I want to know how many of my followers are also reading this story! It doesn't even have to be a real message. Just send me a joke or a pun. Actually, that's even better. If you follow me on Tumblr, send me a pun! Warning though, there is a great possibility I'll stalk your blog an end up following you, just a heads up.**

 **Until next time!**

 **~Starlight**


	27. 2 plus 1 equals 3- pregnancy conflict

**Warnings- talk of abortion, but only briefly**

* * *

You crouched over the toilet again, throwing up what little breakfast you were able to get down. This was the third time this week, and you had been nauseous the whole time. You weren't sick, not that you could tell. No fever, no other symptoms. Just getting sick at all times of the day.

Sans rubbed your back, not sure how to help. He handed you a glass of water after you straightened up.

"This is the third time this week. We should go see Alphys." He suggested, worried for your health.

"She's a scientist, not a doctor." You said, trying to rid your mouth of the sour taste.

"Her name is Dr. Alphys." He pointed out. You tried to hold back a groan.

"Yeah, but she's not a medical doctor."

"She's the closest thing the Underground has." He already had his phone out. You heard ringing coming from the other line. A faint voice picked up. "Hey Alphy…. I'm good. Look-" He stopped talking and listened. "Actually, she's not doing too great. She's been throwing up left and right." You scoff at his exaggeration but didn't say anything. "Yeah okay. That sounds good. Thanks doc."

Sans clicked the phone off and slipping it into his pocket. He helped you walk into the kitchen and sat you at the table, refilling your water glass.

"So she's free any time after 2, so we can try to get some lunch in you before heading over." He said soothingly, thinking of something simple to make you. You sigh but don't argue, knowing Sans was right yet again. "How about some soup?"

"Yeah that sounds good. Want some tea dear?" You ask, moving to the stove to turn on the kettle.

"That would _tea_ great babe." He chuckled and you smirked. You had always liked his puns, but that was just bad.

"You're slipping Sans." You giggled a little and started the water.

"Aw you love me." He came up behind you and hugged you. You just smiled and laughed.

"Yeah, yeah. I love you skeleboy." You turned and kissed him on the head. His skull lit up light blue. He chuckled and looked away. How he was still flustered around you, you would never understand. While most monsters didn't get officially married, in all sense of the term you and Sans were together.

Lunch was a quite event. Most things were quiet after Papyrus moved in with Mettaton. You had never been a very outgoing person, and Sans had never been the most exuberant monster, so you worked well together.

After lunch, there was still about an hour before Alphys would be free, so the two of you sat on the old couch and dozed off. Your stomach felt oddly full, the lower part of your torso. Your nausea spiked but it wasn't bad enough to make you dash for the bathroom. Sans checked his phone, only opening one eye.

"Come on babe, let's head over. I wanna make sure you can be cured as soon as possible. I hate seeing you sick like this." He kissed you on the forehead, causing your chest to warm.

"Alright. Are we walking or can you find one of your shortcuts for me?" You joke, nudging him playfully. He rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

"Hmm well I suppose I can look for _something…._ but it might be hard…. I dunno..." He glanced at you, his straight face cracking into a grin. "Yeah of course babe. Come on." He held a hand out for you. You took it and he helped you stand, the room spinning when you were upright. His arms caught you when you swayed, making sure you didn't fall.

Sans shot you a concerned look but you waved him off with a smile and a "Just stood up too fast." He accepted it and wrapped his arms around you. Whenever you teleported with him, he held on you tight, so you weren't separated in the void.

Next thing you know, you were standing outside Alphys' lab, the heat from the environment making your shirt stick to you. He didn't bother knocking, just tapped a key on the key pad, opening the electronic door. A wave of cold air rushed over you as you walked in.

"I-I'm here!" Alphys called to you from her upstairs lab area. You stepped on the moving walkway and were swept right to her. She had cleared an area on her work table, supposedly for you to sit. Your hunch was right, for the little reptile monster asked you to sit on the bench.

"S-so can you t-tell me what's been b-b-bothering you?" She asked, looking down at her clipboard instead of at you.

"Erm, I've been feeling sick a lot lately. It's been tough keeping food down for the last week or so. And my stomach feels funny. It doesn't hurt or anything, it just feels weird." You explain. She writes something on her clipboard and blinked.

"W-well let's run some t-tests before we j-j-jump to any conclusions." She muttered the last part under her breath, but you still heard. You didn't press her for what she meant by jumping to conclusions.

She sent Sans from the lab and ran a series of tests. She took a blood sample, a urine sample, put sensors on your temple and took the readings. She also asked a lot of questions.

"D-does your family have any h-history of illnesses?"

"Not that I can think of."

"Any family m-members give b-birth to premature b-babies?"

"Nope."

"Any i-infertility issues in your family?"

"Not that I know of. All the births I can think of have been healthy, but then again I fell down here when I was pretty young. It's been a while since I've seen my human family."

"Alright… M-maybe we should call S-sans in after this l-last question." She nervously write something on her clipboard.

"Okay?" You weren't sure why she seemed so uncomfortable.

"Have you and Sans… She awkwardly trailed off. She adjusted her glasses and took a shuttering sigh. "H-have you g-guys… you know… had s-sex lately?" Both your faces were bright red. You thought back to the last time you and Sans slept together.

"About a week ago, I think." You say with an awkward smile, looking at your feet. She made a sound in the back of her throat.

"O-okay… we should r-really call Sans in-"

"I'm right here." Sans said from behind her. Alphys squeaked and jumped, spinning around to see the grinning skeleton.

"A-alright… I got the b-blood tests, but this isn't s-s-something I'm familiar with completely… but, um… congratulations?" she gave a hesitant smile. You and Sans both looked at her, more than confused.

"Congratulations on what doc?" Sans asked, an edge to his voice. Alphys adjusted her glasses again.

"All the t-tests point to the same t-thing. I'm n-n-not sure how it, um, works for h-humans but…"

"Come on Alphys, what's wrong with me?"

"You're pregnant!"

* * *

You were staring at the blank television, your hand resting on your stomach. Sans had taken you home hours ago, the end of the conversation all but a blur.

Alphys said something about… just thinking about it made your heart clench.

"I know y-y-you're still really y-young, so if you d-don't think you're r-r-ready there are p-procedures to r-remove the z-zygote."

You had tuned out after that. Your ears were ringing. You felt lightheaded. You felt sick.

While Sans and Alphys discusses monster/human child bearing, you rushed to the nearest trashcan and threw up. The soup had mostly digested, so it was all stomach acid. You felt tears running down your face as you heaved into the can. He took you home soon after.

You heard Sans moving around in the kitchen. He let you rest on the couch when you got home and went to make some calls.

You felt tears drip down your face again. You weren't ready for a child…

 _A child…_

You couldn't be a mother. You were barely an adult yourself… but…

A child! A small mix of you and Sans… someone small to take care of and watch grow. You had always wanted a family, and you had never loved anyone more than you loved Sans.

The conflict in your mind made your head ache. You wanted a family, but you were so young, but you didn't think you could get an abortion, but…

"Hey Babe." Sans said gently, sitting on the couch next to you. He handed you a mug of your favorite tea and wiped your cheek.

"Hey Sans." Your smile was watery but he took it as a good sign. "Sans…"

"Don't think too hard about it right now babe. It's a lot to take in all at once."

"I'm so scared." You whisper. He wraps his arm around your shoulders and pulled you in close to him.

"I know babe. I'm scared too, but we have each other."

"I don't know if I can… get rid of it." Your voice was even softer.

"Whatever you chose, I'll support you."

"But I don't think I can raise a child…" You placed the mug on the small table and buried your face into your hands.

"Alphys said you can wait for about six weeks before it's too late. Maybe we can talk to others for their advice."

"What do you want me to do?" You ask, almost afraid to know his answer.

"I… I don't actually know myself." He chuckled deeply. "I'm not the daddy kind of monster, but at the same time… me, a dad…" He smiled and placed a hand on your stomach briefly before removing it and frowning. "But I'm not going to try to change your mind. This decision isn't mine to make."

"Thanks Sans… I wouldn't be able to do this without you." You took his hand and gave it a squeeze. "Who should we tell first?"

"Maybe Papyrus, but he would be heartbroken if we told him and decided not to keep it." He had a point. Papyrus would be ecstatic about having a little niece or nephew, and wouldn't understand what happened to them.

"Not Undyne, unless Alphys already blabbed. She would freak out and half the Underground would know in ten minutes."

"Maybe…" Sans trailed off. While you were going through your own list of friends, he had been going through his own. You knew his closest friend was Grillby.

"Maybe Grillby?" You suggested, knowing he wouldn't suggest it himself. Sans broke out into a huge grin and nodded.

"He would be perfect. Plus he usually gives the best advice." He chuckled, knowing he's gone to the fire monster on many occasions for a level headed opinion.

"Let's go tell Uncle Grillbz the good new then." You grinned and kissed his cheek.

* * *

"Well, I should have seen this coming." Grillby's face was impassive, but his tone was excited. You started the visit normal enough, ordering your meals and joking with the bar patrons. He rose his eyebrow when you ordered a second plate of fries, then you told him you were eating for two. He stopped cleaning the bar for a second.

"But we need some advice." Sans said grimly.

"That does not sound good."

"I don't know if I can keep it." You whisper in your food. You felt tears pricking your eyes.

"Oh…" Grillby replied, not sure what to say.

"We need your advice Grillbz. You've always managed to stay level headed." Sans said, a pleading tone dripping into his voice.

"What do you want advice on, exactly?" The fire monster asked.

"Should I keep it?" You ask quietly. No one spoke for a few moments, and it was like time stood still, just for a minute or two.

"You should do what your heart tells you." Grillby finally spoke, his voice low and cautious.

"That's the problem. I want to have a family, but I don't know if I'll be able to raise them right. I don't want to be the one blamed for screwing this kid over…" You remembered your own upbringing. A mom that always said the same thing when she thought you were out of earshot… _I just wasn't ready for the responsibility…_

"I don't think you could screw a child up even if you tried." Grillby said gently. You smiled at him and sighed. He caught your hesitation. "You'll have the whole Underground supporting you. Dozens of babysitters at a moment's notice, all the supplies and help you could ever need. At least know you have my support." Grillby placed a warm hand over yours.

"Thank you Grillbz." You couldn't keep the smile off your face.

"Who should we tell next?" Sans asked, after Grillby went to take another order. You had finished your meals in relative silence, mulling over what Grillby said.

"I was thinking Toriel. She's my mom after all. Then Papyrus."

"I thought we weren't going to tell Pap until you made a decision." Sans asked, slightly confused. You couldn't help but smile at him. You shot him a coy look and placed a hand on your stomach. He finally caught on Sans' eyes widened almost comically.

"Babe..." He breathed, as if afraid to break the magic. You just smile wider and laugh, tears brimming your eyes.

"I'm still not one hundred percent certain, because it is a huge responsibility, but…" You let out a watery chuckle. "But I want to have a family with you Sans."

Sans didn't say anything. He just wrapped his arms around you and hugged you tight, laughing and crying into your shoulder. You just laughed, and cried, and held him tight.

"A family…" He whispered. "A family! Hey everyone! I'm going to be a Father!" He shouted joyfully. The look of pure elation on his face made your heart swell.

"Congratulations!"

"That's amazing!"

"Congrats guys!"

The bar erupted into congrats and cheers. You were amazed at how amazing you felt. You hugged Sans, who lifted you into the air and spun you around. He took you out of the bar and teleported you straight to Toriel's.

She had opened the ruin doors after you decided to stay in the Underground. She heard your shouts and rushed out. She looked scared out of her mind until she saw the grins on your face. Confused, she put a hand out for you.

"What is the matter, my child? Why have you come screaming to the ruins?"

"Mom… I'm pregnant." You grin wide, only grinning wider when her eyes glazed over.

"Oh my…" Toriel wiped her eyes and pulled you into a hug. If you had known all it took to get hugs from everyone was to get pregnant…

"Who else knows, my child?" Toriel asked, her voice as soft as always.

"Sans, Alphys, Grillby and you." You said, smiling.

"Oh my! You are going to have quite the adventure telling everyone!" She giggled. You just hugged her again.

* * *

You never thought they would leave. From ten that morning until… you check the clock. Almost eleven at night, people had been in and out of your house. You were exhausted, but exuberant. It was like a baby shower, but also like a night at the bar. For everyone but you that is.

It was amazing. So many monsters came with presents. Striped sweaters and baby food in little jars and a stroller. Anything and everything you could ever need, all right there for you.

You sat on the couch, eyes closed. You wanted to go to bed so badly, but you had to go clean up the kitchen. You felt the couch sink in more on your left. Opening one eye, you saw Sans sitting next to you, his head thrown back in exhaustion.

"Hey there." You whisper, smiling faintly at him. He opened one eye and grinned back. His hand flopped over and covered your own. His warm bones filled you with love and determination.

"Hey babe." He leaned over and placed a kiss on your cheek. You let out a big yawn and rested your head on his shoulder. He hummed contently as you laced your fingers together.

"You ready for our biggest adventure yet?" You ask, joy coloring your tone. He placed his free hand on your stomach and kissed you deeply on the mouth.

"So ready."

* * *

 **I got this request kind of last minute, but I just loved the idea. Plus, it was certainly different from anything I've written before.**

 **For anyone who doesn't know, I made a tumblr for this story. It's "loveyourselfstory". I've already gotten some amazing art submissions, so if you want to see the awesome art, come check out the blog!**

 **I'll officially start taking requests again! But if you could, please check the suggestion list up on the tumblr blog. It's really tough to keep everything straight when I get the same thing over and over. If you can't check though it's totally fine. I can understand!**

 **Also, I'm pro-choice, and even though I wanted to expand on the conflict a little more, I figured it would drag on too much so I left it the way it was. Abortion is a scary thing, and a very difficult choice to make. It's not something people go around doing willy nilly, like changing the color of your nail polish.**

 **Not to get all deep and stuff. I just know some people (Aka my grandmother, who posts anti-abortion things all the time) who aren't very open or caring about what these mothers have to go through…**

 **I might to a sequel to this, where the reader has a miscarriage, but it wouldn't be in the same timeline as this one. Chronologically I mean. It would be an entirely separate thing, with this as inspiration. Eh, I dunno. I'll have to see where my muse takes me.**

 **Until next time!**

 **~Starlight**


	28. Poppin Pills - suicide

**Warning: Graphic depictions of suicide, suicidal thoughts, detailed images of medication overdose and unsettling description of other things.**

* * *

What was the point?

You wondered why you were still here, in this house with the people who didn't deserve the burden of taking care of you.

You wished you could remove that burden from them, but you knew you were too much of a coward to do anything.

You stared at the items you gathered in front of you. The noose, fashioned out of the belt Mettaton bought you for your last birthday. You told him you didn't want anything, but he insisted. When you found out how much it cost, you felt awful. He spent so much on someone who means nothing, has no purpose.

You could never hang yourself. Too showy, too slow if done wrong, and the possibility of messing up too high.

You look at the knife. Undyne had given it to you when you told her you didn't know how to defend yourself. She spent weeks teaching you how to fight in close quarters, how to throw the knife with accuracy, even how to do things to survive with it.

You could never bleed out. It was too messy, leaving too much to the skeleton's to clean up afterwards. Plus you would be more likely to wuss out from the pain.

You eyed the bottle of sleeping pills. Papyrus had insisted you got some from Alphys, when your insomnia left you awake until sunrise every night. You were really grateful that he cared, but soon decided you'd rather stay away than depend on drugs.

You could never…

You eyed the pills again.

You could do it. Just a handful or two. That's all it would take, for someone like you.

You had a few hours before anyone was supposed to be home. Papyrus was meeting with Asgore, discussing something. He thought it was about finally joining the royal guard, but you didn't have the heart to tell his it was probably something to do with the King's flowers.

Sans was at Grillby's, lending a helping hand to the bar tender since business started picking up. Sans really was charismatic when he wanted to be. The customers loved him, but he ended up entertaining more than serving.

The clocked chimed noon.

You hadn't eaten anything since the day before, so the pills would kick in sooner.

You dumped the little white pills onto your bed. There were easily thirty of them. Enough to last a month, at the least. Stalling for time, you started sorting them into little piles so you could take them at intervals.

Looking at your piles, you realized you should leave a note or something, to give everyone some kind of closure. Give them a reason not to hate you.

Pulling out your notepad, you began to write.

 _Dear everyone-_

 _I wish I could say I'm sorry, but the only thing I'm really sorry or is leaving you a mess to clean up. I know this was one of the easiest ways, but I know it'll leave a mess._

 _This wasn't anyone's fault, I swear. I am the only one to blame in this situation. I am the burden on all of your lives._

 _I guess 'was' would fit better, at this point._

 _There are going to be things that I miss, like dinner with Papyrus, nap time with Sans, movie night at Alphys', singing with Mettaton and training with Alphys. Cooking with mom, gardening with dad. I'm going to miss everyone, but this really is for the best._

 _Though you don't know it now, maybe some of you actually noticed. I am the biggest burden down here. I'm worthless. I can't fight, not really. I can't do anything that would make anyone's life better. I am worthless._

 _I've always been bad at goodbyes. It's always been 'until next time" but now… I don't know where I'll go, and I don't know where monsters go after they die, but I doubt it'll be the same place. All I can do is hope you remember me as something… not complexly awful._

 _Never doubt that I loved each and every one of you._

You shakily signed your name at the bottom. You realized you would need something to choke the pills down with. Since it was your last day, you might as well treat yourself a little. You smiled faintly at the thought.

Going to your bed, you pulled out the little pouch from under your mattress. You had saved up a decent amount of gold from various odd jobs. There was at least 200g there. Pocketing the gold, you made your way to Grillby's.

Muffet expanded, selling her products at businesses across the Underground. Grillby was known for serving hot spider cider, something you had become quite fond of.

Grillby waved at you as the bell above the door dinged. You found yourself smiling automatically, but it felt fake on your face.

"Are you okay?" He asked you, cocking his head slightly to the left in concern. You waved him off with a slightly less fake smile.

"Just tired Grillbz. Gonna grab some cider and… take a nap." Your smile turns bitter, but as soon as if comes it's gone. Hopefully he didn't notice.

But someone else did.

Grillby nodded and called over to Sans, asking to get you some cider. He still doesn't mess with liquids, but since Sans started working he was able to sell them.

"Oh hey there kiddo. You look a bit down in the dumps." Sans grinned lazily as he slid a glass of cider to you. You caught the sliding glass in one hand and take a small sip. The warmth filled you, clearing your head a little.

"Just tired Sans. I might be coming down with some kind of monster cold." You joked. Sans chuckled, but it sounded off somehow. You didn't push it.

You sat in relative silence, taking in the warmth of the building and the buzz from the patrons of the bar. You had to enjoy it, you told yourself. This was the last time you would see any of them. The thought made your chest ache, but you knew it was for the best.

"Could I get a cider to go? I have some… work to do at home and I could use some to keep me going." You tripped up a little, but covered it easy enough. Sans glanced at you from the corner of his eye socket and nodded.

"Alright kid. Hold on a sec." He said. If you didn't know any better, you'd say his voice was hollow sounding. You brushed off the thought. It was just Sans being Sans after all. He came back soon enough, a large hot cup filled with steaming cider. He had put a plastic lid on the cup to keep it from spilling.

"Thanks Sans." You took the cup and dug in your pocket for your coins.

"I'll see you at home, okay?" He said, caution coloring his tone. You froze, your knees locking.

"Good bye Sans." You whisper, giving your final farewells to one of your closet friends. He pulled back as if you had cursed him out but didn't say anything. You tossed three times the amount of owed gold onto the bar and walked out.

The walk back to the house was a long one. You were taking your sweet old time getting back, taking in the sights one last time.

Feeling the snow melt on your cheeks one last time.

Feeling the wind rustle your hair one last time.

See the lights on the tree twinkle through the falling flakes one last time.

You made it to the front door far too soon. Opening it, the empty house greeted you fondly. You recalled all the good times you had in this house with all your friends…

You shook your head. It was too late for you. You needed to do this.

Needed to spare them from you.

You trudged upstairs, both hands around the hot cup. Your bedroom door was still open, the piles of pills neatly heaped on your bedspread.

You remembered picking this bedspread out. You reminisced as you sat down and smoothed some of the wrinkles. You and Papyrus had gone on a shopping spree shortly after you came to live with them. The King had provided you plenty of gold, but after that initial shopping trip you refused to accept any more free gold from the monster.

The purple, blue and green pattern reminded you of a painting you made when you were younger, the haphazard squares forming a fun pattern. Papyrus wanted you to get the one with the racecar on the top, but you convinced him to make it for himself.

You smiled at the memory, your stomach dropping painfully.

You frowned and took the first pile of pills into your hand. Taking a deep breath, you found yourself surprisingly calm. You thought you would be shaking, or crying, or something, but no. You were completely calm as you lifted those little white pills to your mouth.

The first swallow was the hardest. The pills caught in the back of your throat, making you gag a little. You took a few big gulps of cider to clear your esophagus. After that it was a little easier. You had six piles to start, five in each.

By pile three, you were feeling full but you knew you had to keep pushing. You thought of something and tried to quickly walk over to your desk. The pills hadn't quite taken effect yet, but you were quickly starting to feel tired and dizzy.

You stumbled, catching your thigh on the edge of your desk. You let out a surprised yelp, covering your mouth soon after. You didn't want to attract attention from anyone outside. You didn't need someone trying to do something stupid, like try to save you.

You grabbed the note and folded it neatly in half. Using the last of your mental clarity, you went downstairs and left it on the kitchen table, right where it would be seen the instant someone walked in the door.

Back at your bed, you took your fourth pile in your hand. Mentally, you tallied how many you already took. Five per pile, three piles… your head was spinning faster. You could feel acid rising at the back of your throat, making you want to throw up.

Fifteen pills so far.

Five more tossed back and choked down.

Your vision was starting to blur a little. You wouldn't have been able to read your note if you tried.

Your trembling had reached out to pick up pile number five when it was suddenly smacked to the side. Looking up lethargically, you saw two large black circles on a white background. There was another shape, but it was upside down.

"What the fuck are you-" Sans started yelling, but he could tell it didn't matter. You started convulsing, spit gathering at the corners of your mouth. He tried shaking you, but your eyes just started to roll back into your head. His voice was just a faint echo, getting more and more desperate.

You felt something forced between your lips and down your throat. Something cold and hard, was all you could distinguish. Your revolting stomach was more than willing to empty itself when whatever went into your mouth shoved far down your throat.

Sitting upright, your threw up on the bed, mostly intact pills, slimy from the partial digestion and stomach acid, mixed with acidic cider soaking into the blanket.

The things pulled from your mouth, only to be replaced again a second later. They went farther down your throat, making you throw up again. They did it again and again, until you were only heaving. There was nothing left in you.

Blearily looking over, you finally connected the shapes. It was Sans, your best friend, staring at you with a mix of desperation and heart break. He held his pointer and middle fingers out away from his body, the digits slimy and coated in something thick.

"S-sans…" You groaned, your throat burning painfully. He just blinked at you and moved close. Looking at your ruined bedcover, he wiped his fingers off and picked you up with ease. His left arm behind your back, his right under your knees.

Instantly, you were down the hall in his own room. He placed you on his bed and took a step back. He took a deep breath before exploding.

"What the _fuck did you think you were doing?_ I knew something was off when you came into Grillby's but never in a million years would I have thought I would come home to see you choking back pills! What the hell?" Tears were streaming down his face. "When I saw that note I didn't know what to expect but as soon as I read it I thought I was going to be too late."

You just watched him rant through half lidded eyes.

"And I almost was too late! I almost _lost you. You almost_ _ **killed yourself.**_ How could you do this to us? How could you leave me like this? What the-" He couldn't even keep talking. He gave a frustrated scream and kicked the wall, smashing a hole in the drywall.

"I'm sorry." You mumble, your eyes feeling heavy. He was at your side in an instant. Suddenly, you were more awake, clutching your stinging cheek.

Sans' hand was still in the air, your head looking over from when he slapped you. You stared at the mattress in shock as you felt your skin warm up under your fingers. Sans seemed to snap out of his freeze and took a step back.

"Sorry, but you can't go to sleep. Not until I'm sure you're not going to die." He said, his voice shaking slightly.

"Why did you stop me?" You asked, your throat burning unbearable with each syllable.

"Why did I-?" It was if you slapped him. "Because I fuckin love you! You're my best friend in the whole Underground, next to Papyrus. How could even think, for one second, that it wouldn't tear me apart to lose you?" He asked, getting hysterical again.

"Sans-"

"No! You're not allowed to talk! Why… why didn't you tell me you were feeling this way? Did you not trust me? Kid… I had no clue you felt this bad…" He was practically clawing at his face from the fear clenching his soul. "You're always smiling and laughing and helping others. Never in a millions years would I have guessed…" He was talking more to himself than to you. You felt tears run down your face. You never realized he would take it this badly.

"I'm sorry…" You hiccupped.

"You better be!" He practically screamed, tears splashing off his cheek bones onto your arms. He hastily wiped his face and turned away. "I-I'm sorry for yelling Kiddo… you just. Oh god I've never been so scared in my life…" He shuttered and took another step away from you.

"…"

"I thought I was going to lose you. I didn't think I would be able to get you to throw up those pills in time… I've never actually seen a human die before, and the thought that you'd be the first makes me want to barf." He finally turned back to you. "Do you get it? I – no, everyone down here, would be nothing without you. You've brought us all together, Undyne and Alphys, Tori and Asgore. Hell, even Paps and I have become closer since you came to stay with us…" He dropped his hands to his sides, almost like in defeat.

"I didn't think…" You trailed off, not sure what to say anymore.

"What? Didn't think we would care if you left? Didn't think we wouldn't go crazy without you?" He spit the questions at you. You flinched away from the venom in his tone, and he noticed. His face visibly softened as he came to sit next to you on the bed. "God… I'm so sorry kiddo. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, that I didn't notice this sooner… I could have prevented all of this if I had just paid attention…" He berated himself, shaking his head and letting another tear slip out of his darkening eye sockets.

"I did a pretty good job hiding it." You said, a hint of a smile on your face. He looked at up your almost joking tone and scowled.

"But why did you hide it? I could have been there for you, could have helped you through this. Instead you just…" He trailed off, not needing to recount what just happened.

"I was scared…" You managed to admit, after five minutes of silence. You heard him suck in a breath and mused the thought that he didn't have lungs before your inner ramblings were cut off by his words.

"So was I." He whispered, his voice betraying how broken he really was.

"I thought you would think I was pathetic…" You whispered, even quieter. He huffed and shuffled. Glancing over, you saw him pull a piece of paper from his hoodie pocket. With a jolt, you realized it was your suicide note.

"A burden, worthless… all this bullshit. You really believe this?" He asked, his tone hiding how he really felt. Betrayed, hurt, scared, confused…

"I guess." You've never sounded so insecure, not around Sans at least.

"You guess?"

"Yeah… I've never really been able to contribute anything to the Underground. I just kinda… hang around. Like a kid sibling that's only allowed around because mom would get mad if you excluded. I never really fit in down here. That's been made clear since minute three. I never belonged up there, with the other humans, and I never belonged down here, with the monsters." You finally cut off your rant. Your voice had been inching up louder and louder with every word. You were practically screaming now. Any passerby could have heard.

"First of all, bullshit. You've contributed to the Underground plenty. Even if it wasn't physically, like building shit or anything. You've contributed joy and companionship and love – the good kind – to literally everything down here. Even that dumb old statue in Waterfall. Ya gave it an umbrella so it could play again. No one thought to do that but you." He wiped a tear from your cheek.

"Secondly, our lives have never been the same since you got down here. You are the sun in our caves kiddo. You may not have belonged with humans, but you fit right in down here. I've never seen someone flourish so much in such a short amount of time. I remember when I first saw you, shaking and crying and bruised. You looked so small. But look at you now. You've gotten so big, so grown up. When did that happen?" He chuckled weakly before continuing. "What I'm trying to say is, you belong here more than half the monsters already down here."

"That doesn't sound quite right." You gave a watery chuckle and shook your head to clear your head.

"You don't sound quite right." He nudged you with his shoulder, causing you to laugh a little louder, a little more genuinely. "That sounds better. You have such a great laugh."

"Sans… I really messed up didn't I?" You instantly sombered, realizing you just made a thousand more problems for yourself and our friends.

"Yeah, but I'm here to help you clean up the pieces." His grinned at you, genuine support and love clear on his face.

Though the pain in your stomach and throat haven't gone away, you felt something else.

Determination to live.

"Come on kid. I'm not going to let you fall asleep yet. The drugs could still be in your system and it's harder to take care of you when you're in a coma." Though his tone was light, his message was dark. You felt a shiver go down your spine but stood anyway.

"Where are we going?"

"Well, first we have to get rid of your comforter. Made a huge mess all over it." He shot you a pointed look, and you glanced away. "Then maybe we could go talk to Grillby. He may not be a real doctor, but he's a thousand times better than any of the therapists I've been to." Sans suddenly zapped away. A spit second later, he was back smelling of cold and snow. He took your hand and led you downstairs.

"Took care of that blanket… didn't want to bother trying to clean it so I'll just buy you a new one tomorrow."

"Thank you Sans." You said, barely audible.

"Hmm?" He turned back to you, an eyebrow bone raised.

"I said thanks… you know. For finding me… for stopping me."

"I would do anything for you kid. Anyone of us would." He smiled again before turning back around and continued on his way.

Maybe you really did belong down here…

* * *

 **This isn't my best, I know. I also know it's a bit graphic, but I'm sick of people glorifying suicide, especially overdosing. It's actually really scary. Most people that try overdosing on painkillers or sleep medication are found in puddles of their own vomit or spit. It's terrifying, not romantic, not tragically beautiful.**

 **Also, I know it may seen unrealistic to be able to take five pills at once, but personally I can take up to six advil at once (yeah I know, not good for me) and the sleeping pills were ones I had a while ago that were little white pills, about the size of my pinky nail. So with that in mind, five pills doesn't seem that much.**

 **I want to say thank you, for the usual reasons – favoriting, following, reviewing and supporting – but also for the art that's been coming in! I've gotten some amazing art submitted, and I'm honestly floored. I never thought anything I made would create something like art or a community. I still can't believe it! If you want to see the art, go on "loveyourselfstory" on tumblr. If you can, please support the artists that have been so amazing to make this for the story!**

 **Until next time!**

 **~Starlight**


	29. Is it Really Murder? - Rape and abortion

**Warning! Graphic rape, anti-abortion views, abortion**

* * *

You couldn't move. His hands were tight on your upper arm. You could already tell that if you tried to fight back, he would easily break your arm. He was whispering in your ear, but you couldn't understand a single word he said. It was in a language you didn't understand, a language with lots of guttural sounds and growls.

A shiver went down your spine as he bit your earlobe. His grubby hands moved from your arms to your hips, his fingers gripping you so tightly you could feel the bruises forming under your skirt. He said something and chuckled deeply. He started biting your neck, and you couldn't take it anymore. You tried struggling, whipping your head forward to break his grip some.

Surprised, he man took a step back and held a hand up to his cheek, where your chin slammed into his face. His grip on your loosened and you managed to break away. You managed to get a few running steps away before his hand grabbed your wrist tight enough to hear the bone crack a little. You let out a scream of pain.

"Please! Please someone help me! He's going to hurt me! P-please help me!" You were sobbing, screaming, hoping someone would come to your aid.

But no one came.

He ripped your skirt in two as if the fabric was paper. With at twinge you realized he destroyed your favorite skirt, but then you felt him.

He had his fingers between your legs, touching you in the vilest way. Your sobbing increased tenfold, your whole body shaking violently. He slipped his fingers in you, growling into your ear again. You thought you were going to be sick, but you couldn't seem to move any part of your body. He said something that sounded like a command, bur you didn't understand.

Suddenly, you were spun around. Your hands automatically braced your weight against the brick wall of the dingy ally you were dragged into. You felt your blouse tear under his grip as something hard and fat was pushed into you. You cried out, feeling like you were being ripped in two. You felt something rip, and saw something red drip down the inside of your leg as you let your head hang down. The man thrust into again, causing the bile in your stomach to bubble.

Soon, he started thrusting faster and faster, the blood and your own juices making it easier and easier to violate you. He shifted you up a little, and his dick hit something in you that caused you to clench tightly around him. He laughed loudly and started thrusting even harder.

The bile finally came up, splattering the wall and dribbling down your chin. The tears mixed with the bile on your face. Your knees gave up, but instead of falling to the ground, the man gripped your hips tightly, thrusting into you at a new angle.

You went limp, unable to hold yourself up anymore. You felt like you were watching from far away, or like you had gone to another place in your head. You completely shut down, let the man do what he would with your body.

It felt like hours before he finally finished, cumming in you violently. He dropped you almost instantly after, letting you slam to the ground. Your head slammed against the cement, opening up a gash on your forehead and causing your vision to blur.

You watched him pick up the scrap of fabric that was your skirt and wipe himself off before saying something with a laugh and walked away.

You didn't know how long you stayed there on the ground of that ally. You faintly saw white dripping out from between your legs, white and pink, probably from the blood mixed in with it. You could feel your bile soaking into what little fabric of your shirt was left, but there was nothing left in your stomach to throw up this time.

Looking to the left, you saw your phone on the cement, shattered and probably broken beyond use. As a last ditch effort, you held down the home button and prayed. When you heard those two electronic beeps, you started crying again.

"Call Sans…" You said, your throat raw from screaming and throwing up.

 _"Calling…_ Sans." The phone said back to you. Since the screen was shattered, you couldn't put it to speaker, which you probably wouldn't have been able to do even if the screen was fine. Thankfully, the sound was up loud enough that you could hear a faint ringing. After five rings, you thought he wasn't going to pick up. You thought he would leave you.

"…'ello?" A deep voice came from the broken device. You gasped and tried to pull yourself closer to the phone.

"S-sans?" You couldn't hide the tremor in your voice.

"Kid?" He was instantly concerned. "You never call. What's wrong?"

"I…" You didn't know how to explain it right then. "By… deli…" You choked back a sob as he sucked in a breath.

"By the deli? What happened? I'm on my way. Stay on the phone with me. Come on kid stay with me." He was talking fast, a habit he only seemed to have when he was scared or stressed. You didn't know what to say, but you knew he could still hear your sobs.

After what felt like an hour – but was probably closer to five minutes - of listening to him ramble into the phone, you heard footsteps running in your direction. You instantly knew it was Sans, because no human could rattle when they ran.

"K-kid…?" Sans' voice filled the ally. You couldn't speak. You just grunted. He rushed to your side, falling to his knees as soon as he was next to you.

His hands ghosted over you, afraid of touching the bruises that were blooming across every inch of your skin. He took his jacket off and placed over you, it being so large it covered you almost completely. He reached around to try to pick you up, but you flinched away from his touch. You didn't see Sans, you saw a foreign man with string hands and bruising fingers.

Sans made a sound that you couldn't quite pin point. You felt yourself surrounded by a warm sensation before you were lifted into the air. Blinking a weary eye, you saw Sans had picked you up with his magic and was helping you float over to a rip in the shadows.

That's how he traveled so fast, you realized back when you were still Underground. He found rips in the shadows and walked through them like doorways. He floated you through the door straight to a very familiar room.

Even though she was one of the first to the surface, Alphys' lab was almost identical to the one Underground, even down to the heat of the place. It was like she couldn't let go to the past, but it gave a slight comfort seeing something so familiar.

"S-sans?" Alphys squeaked and fell out of her chair. You saw out of the corner of your eye that she was watching something on the large screen.

"H-hey Doc." Sans left his grin in place, but it was strained to the cracking point. His hands were shaking so badly, you could feel your body shaking from his magic. "Seems the k-kid ran into a spot of trouble."

Alphys knew it was more than a little trouble. She had never seen the skeleton so worked up. His voice was cracking, hands were shaking, sweat beading up on his forehead. She came closer to you, and Sans moved you so you were right by her.

She did an overview diagnosis and felt tears building behind her eyes. It was obvious there was excessive force, from the bruising around the hips and thighs. It was evident it was rape from the white between your legs, but she had to do an official examination before declaring that.

"Sans bring her upstairs. Lay her on the table." In doctor mode, her stutter disappeared. She wasn't nervous, or scared. She was in the control. Sans didn't waste a second taking you up and gently laying you on the work table. He released the magic and let you slump into the surface. While waiting for Alphys, he gently stroked your hair, his shaking fingers getting caught in your tangles.

Alphys nudged him out of the way with a warning that he might not want to be there while the examination was going on. He took the hint and teleported away, but she could hear his slippered feet pacing on the lower level.

Alphys began by giving you a small shot to the arm, something to help you fall asleep so you would resist the examination. She waited the five minutes with one hand on your wrist, feeling your pulse slow to sleep tempo before continuing.

She removed Sans' jacket completely and her jaw hardened. Putting on sterile gloves, she began. She carefully pulled your legs apart and began dabbing you, not only cleaning away the semen and blood, but getting a good look at just how ripped it was. It took her several minutes to sew your entrance to as close to normal as possible. You would need reconstruction surgery after all this cleared up, but for now those stitches should keep infection away and start the healing process.

Putting the samples in tubes, Alphys placed them to the side and continued. There was bruising along your wrist, and with a simple twist she could tell the bone had a hairline fracture. Mumbling under her breath, she wrapped it up as best she could. She didn't have any cast materials, seeing how monster forms didn't really break enough to need a cast.

After she had cleaned and bandaged you, she laid you out on the table, naked as the day you were born. She mused momentarily how embarrassed you would have been if you were awake. She placed thin fabric over your chest and just between your legs, leaving your hips, thighs and wrist uncovered.

Using her camera, she took pictures of the bruising. She realized she should have taken pictures of the damage before cleaning it up, but the court would have to take her word because she was a doctor. A monster with a doctorate was just as legit as a human with one. Finding some clothes in her closet – left over from Undyne at some point – she redressed you.

Alphys took a step back, feeling more exhausted then she ever thought possible. The medicine she put in your arm only lasted around an hour, which meant you would be waking up any minute now. Deciding now was the best time, she took the escalator down to Sans.

He saw her coming and rushed to the bottom of the moving steps. In another situation, Alphys could have laughed at the thought of the short skeleton rushing to do anything.

"It was most definitely rape." She began. "I took samples of the semen for evidence, as well as pictures of the bruising. Sans… it was pretty b-bad. Her v-vaginal walls were r-r-ripped in four d-different places. T-thankfully I was able to sew the most m-major rips to s-s-start the h-healing process, but I don't know h-how well they'll h-hold up." Her stutter came back, now that the medical emergency had passed. Sans just stared at her with blank eye sockets.

"Will she be okay?" He asked finally, voice taunt with fear and worry.

"She's s-sleeping right now. Physically, she should recover in a few w-weeks. M-m-mentally… I'm not so sure. P-plus there's the r-risk of pregnancy from the a-attack."

"Pregnancy?" Sans' voice sounded hollow.

"E-enough of the… t-there's a chance that there m-might be a baby because of t-this…" Alphys' voice dropped to a whisper when she heard movement from the upper layer.

"Alphys… what are we going to do?" Sans asked, quietly.

"There's n-nothing we really can do but s-support her." She was just as quiet.

"Sans?" A voice called from the upper layer. Instantly, Sans was by your side. You woke up with a splitting headache and a stabbing pain between your legs. There were voices downstairs, but you couldn't make out what they were saying.

"Hey there kiddo." Sans smiled softly at you. You were instantly more comfortable with the skeleton next to you.

"I…" You remembered what put you here and felt sick, but refused to throw up. You could see the strain behind his smile, despite him obviously trying to be the one to comfort you. You forced a shaking smile on your face. "I guess you know what happened then."

"Yeah… I, um, I…" He was at a loss for words, something you've never seen him do before. You laughed a little and turned to Alphys.

"What's the damage, doc?" You ask. The corners of her lips quirk up in amusement at your wording but somber quickly.

"H-hairline fracture in your wrist, tears in y-your…" She trailed off, blushing and looking away. Judging by the pain you were feeling, you could only assume it was from the tears. "Physically, you should be f-fine in a few weeks. I have evidence if you want to go to the p-p-police about this."

"I…" You knew the police wouldn't do anything, especially for someone with so many connections to the monsters. "It doesn't matter. He was foreign. Probably leaving the country soon. There's no way they'd track some guy down across the world." You tried to keep your voice light, but there was a certain heaviness that nothing could get rid of.

"I'm gonna take you to a human hospital as soon as I can. They can make sure there's nothing wrong… inside you." Sans gestured weakly to your lower half. You would have blushed if you weren't thinking about what happened.

That was your first time. That man took your virginity in an ally way against your will. You were filthy. You could still feel him moving in and out of you, causing your stomach to heave violently. Before you could get a word out, Sans shoved some kind of bowl in your hands. You threw up, but only stomach acid came up.

"M-maybe it'll be best to take her n-now…" Alphys said quietly as she handed you a glass of water. She took the bowl and held it at a slight distance as Sans helped you stand. Your knees gave out as soon as your feet hit the ground, but thankfully he was there to catch you.

"Hold on tight kiddo. I'll keep you safe."

* * *

The hospital trip didn't take long at all. Since Alphys had already fixed a good amount of the damage, the doctors just gave you an examination and a report on the incident. You gave them Alphys' information so they could contact her about the samples.

The worst part was the stitches. While Alphys did a good job, she missed a large tear closer to the cervix. The stitches needed to be removed and replaced, which hurt so much you blacked out for about five minutes.

You were in and out in under five hours, surprising for a human ER. Your knees had gotten their strength back, so you could easily walk on your own, but Sans refused. As soon as you came through the doors, he swooped in and picked you up.

"Sans I can walk just fine." You say with a slight smile, wincing as your sore lady parts were jostled. You expected some sort of objection, or pun, but he was silent. Sans just looked ahead, eyes black and face blank. "Sans…?" You placed a hand on his cheek, shocking him into looking at you.

"What's up kiddo?" His voice was hoarse, as if he hadn't talked in years.

"Are you okay?" You asked, worried for your friend.

"Am I okay?" he chuckled, sounding so tired you felt your heart break a little. "You just got… and you're asking if _I'm_ okay? You're a piece of work, you know that?"

"I've been told." You replied, remembering all the times Sans told you that himself. He realized it too, and managed a small smile.

"Let's head back to my place. I'm not okay with leaving you alone right now, and it'll be easier for me to take care of you if you're five feet away from me at all times."

"You don't have to take care of me." You say, almost out of obligation. You wanted Sans to take care of you, but you didn't want to be a burden.

"Yeah, I do." His voice was hard, but you could tell it wasn't pointed at you. He walked part of the way to his apartment before finding a shadow rip and entered the apartment from the shadow behind the couch.

Placing you on the couch, he laid a blanket over your lap and promised to be back in a few minutes with some food.

You looked around the apartment, taking in the familiar rooms. Sans had found his own place after coming to the surface. He worked as a scientist, but not in the traditional sense. He did most of his findings in a side room in the apartment, seeing how he was usually too tired to go to the actual lab downtown. No one complained though, because Sans brought in some of the most elaborate experiments and explanations the humans have ever seen.

You felt your eyes start to drift shut, even the sounds of Sans banging around in the kitchen didn't bother you. You quickly fell asleep.

 _Hands, everywhere. Touching, touching._ _ **GET YOUR HANDS OUT OF THERE!**_ _Dropping, thrown to the ground, growling coming from every direction. Hands, on your hips. Hands, on your chest. Hands, inside of you. Hands, everywhere…_

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" You woke up with a high pitch scream, one that was pure terror. Sans can running out, thinking you were being stabbed to death by the tone of your wails. He tried to get you to calm down, but the feel of his hands on your shoulders made you struggle even more.

You couldn't see anything, your tears and fear clouding your sight almost completely. In your struggle to get away from the hands, you fell over the back of the couch, almost slamming your head on the hardwood floor.

Something warm surrounded you, and you felt a sudden jolt of weightlessness before being brought back onto the couch. You calmed down, being surrounded by the familiar warmth. Suddenly, the hands on you weren't thick and grimy and too hot. They were slender and hard and chilly. You looked Sans in the eyes and burst into sobs.

He wrapped your arms around you, letting you cry into his shoulder. Before, he was getting nervous. You had taken the news so well. Too well to be honest. He thought you were in shock, or maybe something even worse. Although he hated seeing you like this, he was relieved this was a normal reaction for your situation.

"Shhhh, it's okay kiddo. I'm here. Sansy's here for you." He rocked you, letting you cry yourself out. After what felt like an eternity, you just laid against his chest, hiccupping and sniffling. He propped you up and wrapped the blanket around your shoulders.

"It hurts…" You cried quietly. He sat next to you and pulled you close again, letting his arm keep the blanket snuggly around you.

"What does kid?" He asked, equally as quiet.

"Everything." Somehow, another tear worked its way from your eye. He wiped it away with his free hand and held you tighter.

"I know kid… I know…"

* * *

Things seemed to be going well after that night. You stayed with Sans most nights, and the nights you weren't at his apartment, he was at your house. A little rented building, with three room and a fireplace.

It had been a little over a month since that night. Sans had insisted on getting you a new phone, and wouldn't let you leave the house without him or someone he trusted by your side. You tried to keep it a secret at first, but of course Alphys told Undyne, who proceeded to find the man and teach him a lesson, leaving him under a bridge for dead with an " _I like to rape women_ " sigh tied around his neck. He didn't remember enough to file a report.

After that, everyone knew – well, all the monsters knew. They came to visit on a daily basis, bringing treats and movies and positive vibes. You were starting to feel like your old self again, finally, after so many weeks of being a shell.

You were sitting with Toriel and Asgore. They invited you for tea that morning, and you were more than willing to get away from Sans' hovering. After the barrier broke, Toriel decided to allow Asgore one more chance to prove himself, and it seemed so far the monster king had been doing a good job.

"What is wrong, my child? You have not touched your sandwiches at all!" Toriel explained, worried for your health like any mother would be, if they were a goat monster who had a human child that didn't eat much.

"I've been feeling kind of nauseous today… I don't know why though. I'm not sick or anything." You replied, picking at the crust of your chicken salad sandwich. Toriel stood with all the grace of a queen and made her way over to you.

"May I, my child? I have been told I have quite the knack for healing spells." She asked sweetly. You stand and nod, letting her place her large paws on your shoulders. Toriel closed her eyes and you could feel the room go up a few degrees.

You could feel the magic going from her paws through your body, like an electrical current going through each one of your veins. You must have stood like that for ten minutes before she pulled away wish a gasp. She shakily took a step back.

"My child…" Her eyes looked haunted, which scared you because you have only ever seen love in her gaze. Asgore rushed from his seat to her side, letting her rest her weight on him. "How long ago was that… incident?" All three of you flinch at the thought of what happened. It only took you a moment to think back.

"Almost six weeks. What's wrong? Mom?" You're voice gained a hint of desperation.

"There is a second soul within your body. It is small, barely big enough to be noticed, even by me, but I could tell…" She said like a doctor telling the family the diagnosis.

"M-mom… what are you saying?"

"You are pregnant, my child…" Her tone was filled with horror, but it was like she was trying to break it to you gently. You felt your knees give out as your hand flew to your stomach. You could smell the flowers being crushed under your knees, but you couldn't move.

"Child? Oh dear… I shall call Sans for you, alright?" Toriel was speaking softly, but you were frozen in place, unable to look away from the crushed blooms.

You heard voices, but they seemed far, far away. _A child… because of that man…_ You thought, feeling even sicker than ever before. The child of a beast. The offspring of a demon, growing in your uterus. You started shaking as if you collapsed in Snowdin, wearing nothing but a thin sundress. Your vision began swimming, and it was almost like the flowers were mocking you.

"…kid?" Sans' voice was the first thing to break through the ringing. You looked over at him, and noticed how pale he looked.

"S-sans." You reached for him, but collapsed before you made it to his arms. He caught you easily, holding you close to his chest.

"W-what am I g-going to do?" You couldn't cry. You were too numb.

"We'll figure this out together." He said, the faith in his tone shocking you.

"How…" You sounded broken, like you had given up hope.

"There's… there's a Planned Parenthood office outside the city. I can call, make an appointment. You can get that thing out of you before it grows into a baby." The thought of an abortion made you tear up, but the thought of letting this rape child grow in you made you sob.

"Do it." You said as gravely as you could with a trembling voice. Sans nodded and teleported to your house. The instant you were safely on the couch, he pulled out his phone.

* * *

It had taken three days to get an appointment.

You were so nervous your hands were shaking uncontrollably. Sans took your hand and held it tight, letting you know he was there to support you.

He had taken a short cut just around the corner of the office. He tried to find one closer, but the shadow ports changed and moved on a daily basis, and that day it was the closest one. The closer you got to the office, the louder the buzz grew.

Turning the corner, you saw a large group of people with signs outside of the Planned Parenthood office. They were screaming and chanting, yelling at people walking past on the sidewalk, throwing things at the women walking in and out of the office doors.

One of them caught sight of you and started yelling at you.

"Hey! You're not going into the murder hospital, are you?" He said with so much venom you felt your whole body tense up.

"Hey buddy, why don't you back the hell off?" Sans stepped forward, his eyes going completely black. The man with the sign didn't back off though. He started getting the attention of those around him. For the first time, you could read some of the signs.

 _Abortion kills lives._

 _Pro-life or pro-Satan._

 _You're all going to_ _ **HELL.**_

You thought you were going to throw up. The crowed turned their attention on you, throwing things at you. Catching one, Sans opened the paper ball and saw it had "facts" about how abortion kills, along with some graphic pictures that looked faked. With a sneer, he threw it back into the crowed with enough force to make someone yelp.

He wrapped his arm around you, to shield you from a majority of the attacks, both from the wadded up paper and from the verbal assaults.

"How could you?" One woman screamed at me. "How could you _murder_ an innocent child?"

"You're disgusting! Wasting life like this!" Another man yelled. The worst part were the children, obviously dragged here by their parents. The younger ones just looked around scared, wondering why their parents were yelling so loudly. The older ones were joining in, letting their upbringing run their tongue rather than morality.

By the time you got into the office, you had cried off all your makeup and your scalp was stinging from where one of the protesters pulled your hair. The woman at the receptionist desk gave you a sad smile.

"I'm so sorry for that. We tried to get the police to get them to leave, but apparently they have the constitutional right to harass anyone they please." She said with considerable venom. She handed you a tissue while Sans checked you in.

There were very few women in the waiting room. One girl looked younger than you, thirteen at the most. Her mother was with her, and both looked grim. Another woman had a man with her, but it didn't look like they were together. Everyone else was alone.

You only had to wait for about twenty minutes before being called back to the office room. The doctor that greeted you seemed friendly enough. She saw the streaks of eyeliner on your cheeks and realized what happened. She gave you a supporting smile and asked for you to sit up on the table. Sans moved to stand next to you.

"What brings you to Planned Parenthood?" She asked, clicking her pen.

"I…" It was still hard to say. "About six months ago I was raped by a man in an ally, and I just found out I'm pregnant because of it." You said quietly. The doctor wrote something down and looked back at you.

"Are you certain it was from the rape?" She didn't say it like she was accusing you, but like she wanted to make sure.

"Quite certain. It was my first time." You said quietly. You didn't miss Sans' gasp of shock. He never knew that part.

"Has anyone talked to you about the option of adoption?" She asked. You shook your head. "Would you like to hear about the adoption options available?"

"I can't keep this baby… I can't keep this constant reminder that I was violated." You said, maybe a little more venomous than you should have. The doctor just nodded and wrote something else on her clipboard.

"Okay, here are your options…"

* * *

By the time you got out of the clinic, the mob was disappeared. The actual procedure didn't take too long, but the doctor spent a long while talking about the risks and what to expect afterwards. Sans held your hand and talked you through it, despite the doctor saying it might be best for him to leave. You barely realized anything was happening because you were trying so hard to block it out.

She warmed you that the next two or so weeks would be a little rocky. It would be like being on your period, cramping and spotting for around two weeks and emotional distress for months after. She seemed almost comforted for you that Sans was by your side the whole time.

He brought you back to his apartment, laying you on his bed gently. Your pelvis was sore, but not nearly as bad as when the attack first happened.

"Wanna talk about it kid? Sans asked gently, laying down next to you. You shook your head and buried your face in his chest. "Wanna sleep for a while?"

"Yeah…"

"You heard the doctor. You need to talk to a psychologist or something… You can't keep this to yourself."

"I know… I'm just tired right now."

"You know I'm always here for you, right?" He nuzzled him face in your hair, and his closeness making you feel even more comfortable.

"Am I really a murderer?" You ask, tears burning behind your scrunched eyelids.

"What? No! You had to do it. Besides, you heard the doc. At six weeks, it's just a bundle of cells. It wasn't a kid yet. No different from some skin cells." He tried reassuring you.

"She never said that last part." You said, not amused.

"Yeah, but I'm tryin over here." You felt him smile against your hair.

"What if those protesters were right? What if that kid could have been the person who cured cancer? And I just killed them…" Your tears finally overflowed, soaking into Sans' shirt.

"They were just saying that to make you feel guilty. What if the kid was the next Hitler, huh? You can never know. What we do know, is that you would have been miserable if you had kept that kid. While we were waiting I read a pamphlet and like 13 percent of rape victims end up killing themselves, and I know that a lot of mothers get depression after birth… those statistics don't work out in our favor kiddo…"

"I don't think I want to kill myself." You said, not very convinced.

"Well, I'm here for you. If you start having those thoughts, you gotta come to me, okay?"

"Alright Sans." You said, your words slurring with exhaustion.

"Good. Go to sleep kiddo. You've had a rough couple of weeks. I'll protect you. Always."

* * *

 **A little longer of a chapter to make up for taking such a long time to update! This was a recent suggestion, given to me by a lovely tumblr user.**

 **This is definitely one of my deepest chapters yet. It covered two really, really intense subjects. Something I want to say is that I'm not bashing all pro-life believers. I know a lot of people who are super chill and believe all life deserves a chance.**

 **Also, I know many pro-life believers that have told me personally that because I support abortion I support murder and if it were in their power, they would arrest me for murder.**

 **I've read many articles where mobs wait outside PP and attacks the people trying to go in and out, so although it seems a little outrageous, it does happen. It happens quite often unfortunately.**

 **On a lighter note, check out the tumlr blog for this story, "loveyourselfstory" and check out the hashtag "loveyourselfstory" to see some of the awesome artwork created by our friends!**

 **Until next time!**

 **~Starlight**


	30. Goodbye Dear Friend- character death

**Warning- character death, mourning, self-hate, mild suicidal thoughts**

* * *

You fidget with the hem of your sleeve. You were in a nightmare. That's what this had to be. You glanced over to Sans, who hadn't said a word in almost three days.

Asgore's voice droned over the gathered crowed, but no one seemed to be paying attention. A few scattered sobs sounded over the king.

You look down at your hands, clenching your fingers into the fabric of your black skirt to try to stop the trembling, but it seemed like your hands had been trembling for almost seventy two hours. Somehow, you still had tears, as you felt something drip down your face.

Nope, you really were all cried out. The sky had started crying, spotting the ground with its own tears. It wasn't what he would have wanted, you thought.

Papyrus would have wanted sun. He loves the way the sun feels on his-

You correct yourself. He _loved_ the way the sun _felt_ on his bones.

Your chest constrict painfully. Your hand found Sans' and gave it a squeeze, supporting him or yourself, you weren't sure.

You were most concerned about Sans. He hadn't spoken, hadn't eaten, hadn't slept in three days. He just sat on the couch staring at the blank television, or worse, curled up in Papyrus' racecar bed, sobbing hysterically.

His hand felt dead in yours, showing no sign he recognized your touch. After a few seconds, his fingers gently squeezed your own. A sad smile made its way to your mouth. At least he was showing some signs of life.

"I was approached by the human council." Asgore was saying. "They told me I had every right to declare war on them, for they had slaughtered an innocent." The crowed gave a collective gasp of horror, but Asgore silenced them with a large paw. "But I refused. We monsters have finally found ourselves in a time of peace, and out of all of us, young Papyrus would have been most against the idea of going to war."

A loud, barking sob cut Asgore off. You knew that cry. Though she tried, even Undyne couldn't keep her emotions completely hidden.

She had been with Sans when they found Papyrus, half dust and silently crying. That's the kind of thing no one can ever forget.

When Papyrus completely turned to dust, Sans closed him mouth and refused to open it again.

Asgore finished the ceremony, not able to make it through the whole speech without a pained sob at the end.

No one moved for a few minutes, just sat in silence as the King stepped off the stage and moved towards Toriel and you.

"Come on Sans." You said gently into his ear. He seemed like a robot these last few days, not able to do anything without prompting. "We need to go back to the house. We're going to have some guests stop by, okay?"

He didn't say anything, didn't even acknowledge you had spoken. After a slight pause, he stood, his knee joints cracking. He didn't make a sound. He held your hand a little tighter as you led him to the car. He hadn't been able to teleport or use his magic at all.

You lead Sans to the car, opening the door for him. His blank eye sockets stared at the car for a moment and climbed in, not bothering to buckle up. You climb in after him, placing a hand on his knee, covered in an expensive suit.

He was forced to get one after coming to the surface for meetings and such. It had taken you an hour of convincing and another half hour to help him change from his three day old clothes, covered in tear stains and dust, into the suit before the ceremony. The only thing he insisted on was wearing a familiar red scarf over the suit jacket. No one told him no.

The ride home was silent. Undyne was driving, Alphys in the front seat. Toriel and Asgore had their own car, so it was just you and Sans in the back.

"Sans, do you want to stop and get something to eat before we get home?" You ask softly, hoping to get some sort of reaction from him. He stared straight ahead before shaking his head once. You sighed and sat back.

"Hey punk. You hungry?" Undyne heard you trying to get Sans to respond, and realized no one had eaten that day.

Not that anyone was really hungry.

"Not really, but I probably should eat something. It's been a while since lunch yesterday," You give a half smile and Undyne returned it with her own half smile. She appreciated you trying to keep things as normal as possible.

You pondered what you could possibly be able to stomach, and realized you really couldn't eat anything right now.

"Actually, I think I'll be sick if I eat anything right now." You say in a quieter voice. Undyne made a noise of acknowledgment and kept driving in the direction of the house.

* * *

"Come on Sans. We're home." You say, placing a hand on his shoulder. For the first time, he flinched a little at the touch. He actually turned his head to look at you – another first. He didn't say anything, and there were still no lights in his eyes, but it was a start.

He followed you out of the car, taking slow steps to the front door. Undyne held the door open for you, tossing a concerned look towards Sans, but you just shook your head.

"Hey Sans, you want some tea?" You ask, watching him shuffle to the couch and flop down, slamming his elbow on the arm of the couch painfully. He didn't flinch. He didn't respond, so you took initiative and went into the kitchen.

You put a little extra sugar in his tea, hoping it might perk him up a little. You took his hand in your empty one and wrapped it around the mug. The skeleton just stared at the mug, not drinking it. You could see his bones tighten and loosen a fraction, so you were glad he was moving even a little at this point.

You managed to coax three sips out of him before the doorbell went off. Alphys went to answer the door, letting your friends in.

* * *

You loved your friends, you really did. But by the time the last one left, you were exhausted. You knew they were just doing what they though was best, but you were so _sick and tired_ of everyone telling you they're sorry.

Sorry Papyrus was gone. Sorry for your loss. Sorry, sorry, sorry….

You waited until the last guest left, including Alphys and Undyne. You waited until the house was cleaned. You waited until Sans was sleeping peacefully before giving in.

You sobbed, great, chest heaving sobs that cracked your head open and made you worry about breaking a rib. You didn't want to wake Sans, so you bit your knuckle. It wasn't enough, so you bit down even harder. Tasting metal in your mouth, you pulled your knuckle from your mouth and screaming into the pillow from the couch.

Your whole world was crumbling around you. You could barely breathe, and your vision was almost completely black, little dots dancing in what little view you had left.

Suddenly, there was something touching you, rubbing your back, brushing your hair out of your face. Looking up quickly, you were shocked to see Sans sitting next to you on the couch. His eye sockets were wide with worry, the most expression he's had since Pap died.

"Kid…" His voice was a little hoarse, probably from three days of screaming and silence.

"I'm so sorry Sans…" You whimpered, tears silently flowing down your cheeks. He pulled back, barely an inch, before blinking owlishly.

"Whatcha have to be sorry for kid?" While his tone was more monotone than anything you had heard, rockier and more gravely than ever, but just hearing his voice again made you feel a little better.

Then you remembered what you had been keeping bottled up for three days.

"It's all my f-fault. If I had just g-gone to that fuckin store myself like I was s-supposed to… None of this would have happened." You burst into tears again, blubbering 'sorry' and 'all my fault' in between painful hiccups.

"Slow down kiddo. What are you talking about?" His voice had a little more emotion, his concern for your mental health slowly dripping into his tone.

"It was my turn to do the grocery shopping." You sniffed, closing your eyes as if it could prevent the onslaught of memories. "B-but I wasn't feeling good. I had cramps, so I asked P-pap if he c-could go do the shopping this week…."

"It's not your fault…" Sans whispered, fearful of what you were going to say next. While he didn't want to blame you, a primal part of him was screaming _"YOU'RE RIGHT! MY BROTHER SHOULD STILL BE WITH ME!"_ But seeing you like this, broken down and practically snapping right in his arms, he couldn't find it in himself to blame you.

"I should have been there when the robber came in. I might have survived the shot… there's no way a monster body could live through a bullet wound but I might have survived… it would have been better if I had died… I should have died that day… _I should be dead!"_ You were screaming, unable to control yourself.

Seventy two hours of pure guilt keeping you up at night. You tried to hide it, but you had gotten maybe three or four hours of sleep since the incident. Sans wrapped his arms around you tight, as if trying to hold your pieces together.

"Don't say that! I can't lose you too…"

"You don't get it Sans… this is all my fault. If I had just gotten my crap together… if I didn't push my responsibilities on him… I should have died and Papyrus should be comforting you. I cheated death and this is my punishment…"

"How were you supposed to know that would happen? How could you have predicted my brother trying to talk to the robbers? There was nothing any of us could have done."

The store had been evacuated, but no one touched the dying monster on the ground. Sans and Undyne heard the commotion on their walk home from visiting Toriel and Asgore. They rushed to the store, worried. Sans knew it was your day to get the groceries.

Nothing could have prepared him for what he saw.

Papyrus, half dust on the tiled floor. Bone fragments surrounding him, where the bullet shattered his rib cage. A human was on a cage made of bone not twenty feet from him, shaking in fear and horror.

Papyrus was dead within twenty minutes.

A slow and painful death for one of the sweetest monsters in the Underground.

For one of the sweetest soul in the world.

You buried your face in his shoulder, finally letting your emotions out. You had tried so hard to be the strong one for your friends. You had only known Papyrus for a little over two years now. They knew him his whole life. You were just an outsider.

"I can't lose you too." Sans muttered into your hair.

"I-I can't live like this anymore…" You whispered into his shirt. He had taken off his suit and changed into a ratty old t shirt and sweatpants on his own. "I can't see his face, accusing me, every time I close my eyes…"

"Don't talk like that." His voice was sharp and scathing. He didn't mean to be harsh, but the thought of losing you so soon after losing his brother… he didn't know how much more his soul could take before cracking right in half.

"This is all my fault. It's my fault Papyrus is… dead." You hiccupped and buried your face deeper into his shirt. He knew it was hopeless to try to talk to you like this, so he just ran his boney fingers up and down over your spine, whispering quietly in your ear.

You had no clue how long the two of you sat on the couch, you sobbing and him whispering to you, but eventually you were all cried out, too tired to even move away from him.

"All this time…" He said, his fingers winding through your hair. "All this time you were taking care of me, and you were breaking down too."

"I didn't want to worry anyone… I didn't know him as long as you guys and it was my fault…" You rambled in a whisper, not really sure what you were even saying anymore. Sans chuckled deeply and pulled you closer.

"Those are dumb reasons." Though his words were playful, they held a tone of seriousness.

"He died for a dumb reason." You growled, mad at yourself.

"Shuddup." He wrapped his arms around you completely, pulling you into his chest. Suddenly, you felt your stomach drop.

You found yourself in your room, your window open and the curtains blowing gently in the night. He placed you on your bed and wrapped himself around you, as if to protect you from all the hardships in the world.

"Come on kid. Smile for me." Sans nudged you with his jaw. You turned your face away and couldn't bring yourself to smile, depression weighing you down. "Papyrus wouldn't want you to be depressed because of this."

The mention of his name made you tear up again, sniffling slightly.

"No need to be so _blue_ " He used his blue magic to pull the blanket over the two of you, the glow casting a ghostly glow over the furniture.

You couldn't help yourself. The feeling of Sans' magic fizzling over you mixed with the pun made you smile, just barely. It wasn't even a smile, but rather a slight upturn of the left side of your mouth, but it was enough for him.

"There it is." He poked your cheek with a boney finger, causing the upturned corner to turn up a little bit more.

"I'm scared Sans." You finally managed to spit out, the words catching in your throat enough to choke you.

"Scared about what?" He asked, equally as quiet and calm.

"What if I'm alone… and this guilt breaks me and I… do something dumb?" The thought made your blood turn to ice. It wasn't the first time you had thought about joining Papyrus, as punishment for killing him, but you pushed those thoughts back in order to take care of Sans.

"Have you thought about this a lot?" His voice trembled, ever so slightly.

"Yeah…"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"You weren't really… available." You said, almost guilty for blaming him. You felt his bones tense up as he realized what you said.

"I'm sorry kid…"

"It's not your fault. You had every right to clock out for a little bit." You sounded dead, but you couldn't bring yourself to add any color to your words.

"No, I was wrong to do that. I should have been there for you, for everyone. It was selfish of me to do that to you."

You went silent for a few minutes, just soaking in the warmth from his bones, the faint rhythm of his mock breathing, the ticking of the clock from the wall.

"I'm just glad you're back." You could barely hear your own voice, so you were sure he couldn't hear you either, especially because he didn't respond for a few moments.

"I thought it was a dream at first, the crying. When I realized it was coming from downstairs, I realized you must have been alone. I guess it… shocked me into waking up. When I realized I left you alone these past few days, I wanted to punch myself."

"What's important is that you're here now." You said, your voice a little more alive.

"Now you got me, from here on out." He gave you a quick squeeze.

"We're going to have to go through Pap's stuff soon…" You said, ruining the mood. Though Sans' hold on you didn't loosen, you could feel the change in the air.

"Yeah… but for now let's just stay like this."

You nuzzled your face into his chest, feeling his warmth filling you.

You realized life threw tragedies at you, some so bad it might be impossible to bounce back from, but sometimes, life sends you a little light.

Looking at Sans' sleeping face, you decided he was your little bit of light.

* * *

 **I feel like the end was a little cheesy, but I just couldn't have them go through Pap's stuff… what I already wrote drained me emotionally!**

 **It was between the death of a human friend, or Papyrus. I decided on Papyrus because I could show different forms of coping, like Sans' shutting down and the reader's pushing everything down. I might do another chapter at some point with the human friend that passes away to show more ways of dealing with this situation.**

 **I'm sorry my last chapter caused so much controversy, but it was something I felt needed to be covered. I already did one where the reader decided to keep the baby, so I needed to cover the other option.**

 **It was obvious from chapter one that I was going to be writing about some deep stuff, so for the sake of everyone – especially those who need the chapter to cope or get over something – let bygones be bygones. If you don't agree, that's okay. Please don't make others feel bad for agreeing though.**

 **This is a family, this community here. We support and help each other**

 **In other news, the tumblr blog is alive and well! We've gotten some more amazing art, and the ask box is officially open! If you have any questions about past chapters (If you want me to clear something up or elaborate on a topic), if you have any suggestions, or if you need advice on something, send me an ask! I'm more than happy to help you! The blog is loveyourselfstory.**

 **Until next time!**

 **~Starlight**


	31. Flashbacks - PTSD

**Warning: PTSD, brief character death**

* * *

"Sans?" You glanced over at your friend, brows furrowed. The skeleton was clenching the blanket so tightly the threads were coming undone under his fingers. His eye sockets were so wide they covered almost his entire skull, the lights almost nonexistent. There was sweat beading his forehead, and his trembling was obvious.

His eyes were glued to the television, where the fight scene was playing. It wasn't even a good fight scene, in your opinion. The blood was bright red and watery, and the knife was almost a foot from the protagonist yet it still injured him.

Despite its awful quality, Sans seemed to be getting whiter and whiter. The antagonist dodged the attack, goading on the hero.

"What, did you think I would just sit there and take it?" He asked, a cocky grin on his face. The protagonist just spit at him and attacked again. The two of them went at it for about ten more minutes before the protagonist finally managed to connect the killing hit.

Sans' hand flew to his chest and he let out a choked whimper. You paused the movie, turning your whole body to face him. You had never seen the lazy skeleton so torn apart. He was violently trembling, unshed tears lighting up his eye sockets. His hand gripped at his shirt, right over his soul, so tightly the fabric was starting to rip under his fingers. The other hand reached and was resting on the top of his head, as if to protect himself from something.

You reached a hand out towards him, but before you could make contact, you found yourself thrown against the wall. The back of your head slammed onto the wall, leaving a dent and a throbbing pain in your skull.

Your body was yanked by an invisible force and thrown into the kitchen, your back bending around the sink. You managed a yelp but Sans was too out of it to notice.

His hand was outstretched, blue surrounding it. His usual grin was turned down into a pained grimace, his eyes black as the night. He lifted his hand, and you found yourself being lifted along with it. You were thrown into the ceiling, some of the material cracking and raining down onto the floor.

Suddenly, you were in an encounter. The feeling of your soul being forced out of your chest has never been comfortable, but it had been so long since the last battle, it was a shock to feel the icy magic ripping the heart from your chest.

You were thrown right into it, jumping and dodging and getting hit. You tried to think back to your last save. You hadn't been saving a lot since coming to the surface, once every few months maybe. The last one was a week ago, right after the family dinner on Saturday night.

You tried pleading with Sans, to get him to realize what he was doing, but there was no life in his eyes. It was like he was a puppet being controlled by some outer force. He was rambling on and on, muttering something about anomalies and not caring.

He kept jerking out of the way, as if to avoid an attack, but you weren't fighting back. You realized he was stuck in a flashback. You had heard of PTSD, and how extreme cases could render the person stuck in the flashback

"S-sans! Please! It's me!" You tried pleading, blood trickling down your chin. He flinched a little as the red drops splattered on the ground, but didn't stop. He attacked again and again, and you managed to dodge most of them.

Your soul cracked in two. It was a dumb mistake, a step in the wrong direction. You stared at him with wide eyes, but he was still just standing there, arm outstretched and staring over your shoulder at something that wasn't there.

He blinked and took a step towards you as your vision blurred. For a second, you thought you saw life in his eyes again.

Then everything went dark.

* * *

You blinked, feeling the cold concrete under your hands and backside. Your stomach was full, and the smells of desert were drifting from the house. You were sitting on the steps outside of Toriel's new home. She couldn't see it, but you were happy to see the little golden star flicking in the bushes. You hopped off the steps and walked over to the save, placing a hand on it.

The star read the date, which was one week from the last memory you had. You sat back down and stared at your hands, remembering what happened. You had gone over Sans' house, watched a movie… and something happened to make him snap.

He attacked you, flinging you around until your health was gone and you died on the kitchen floor. You could still feel the phantom ache from your body, from your head that slammed against the wall and your chest that had coughed up blood.

You wiped away the few tears that had escaped your eyes, trying to hold back the rest of the tears that were sure to follow if you didn't get your emotions in check.

You heard the door open and close, but didn't hear any footsteps. You were suddenly unable to move. A shadow appeared in front of you, seemingly out of nowhere. You saw Sans' slippers in your peripherals, unable to move your head.

"Why'd ya do it?" He asked, voice dark. You tried to respond, but you were frozen. He seemed to realize this and released you.

"What happened to you Sans?" Was all you said, continuing to stare at your hands - despite being free from his powers.

"That's my line kid. Why'd you reset. You promised me no more resets…" His skeletal hand gripped your shoulder and you flinched from the pain.

"We were watching a movie." You started quietly, remembering what happened – it seemed – just ten minutes ago. "There was a fight scene. I thought it was dumb, but you started freaking out. The bad guy said something and you just… snapped. When I tried to ask you what was wrong, you threw me against a w-wall." It was getting harder to talk about.

"What?" He didn't want to think where this was going.

"You threw me into the kitchen, and I slammed my back on the sink. I felt something crack in me. You threw me into the ceiling and the wall and the floor… I tried to talk to you but I just kept coughing up blood… I don't know what I did wrong," You started crying outright, the emotions too much for you.

Sans stood frozen in front of you. His anger disappeared almost instantly as he realized what happened. He had killed you…

"W-what movie was it?" He asked, wondering if what he was thinking really was what triggered his flashback.

"Some dumb movie with awful acting. We got it from Alphys…"

"What did the guy say?" He was looking at his shoes.

"What?" You finally looked up.

"You said the bad guy said something. What was it?"

"Um…" You tried to think back. "Something like, 'did you think I would just stand there for you to hit me' or something,"

Sans' face paled noticeably He came over and slammed down on the steps next to you, placing his elbows on his knees.

"Sans what the hell was that all about?" You asked, your own anger starting to simmer a little. He killed you, and now he's just sitting there.

"You know what happened with the kid before you?" He asked gravely. You shook your head and he sighed. "They… weren't so nice. They went through and slaughtered everything that moved. We fought, and I lost, but it took dozens of battles before I failed. I… said something kinda similar to the kid over and over, like a script. When I woke up again, you came through. That's something no one could understand, at least those of us that remembered the timelines.

"With each complete reset, a new human falls down. We never could figure out why that happened, why the same human didn't keep falling down over and over… but in that run it was better that the little demon never came back." Sans practically spit the last sentence out.

You could only imagine how awful that must have been for him. Losing all his friends, trying to fight an eventually dying himself, only to wake up later, not sure if it'll be the same kind of run again. You rested your head on his shoulder, not saying anything.

"I'm so sorry kid…" He whispered, his breath causing the air to fog up.

"Why?" You asked, genuinely confused.

"I must have had a flashback and took it out on you. I'm so sorry… fuckin hell." He cursed, jerking a little. "I can't believe I lost control like that." He seemed angry, but it was obvious the anger was at himself.

"Don't apologize. You couldn't help it. This is not your fault." Part of you still wanted to blame him for killing you, but seeing him like this, you just couldn't find it in yourself. "Let's go back inside. Mom made some new pies for the dinner tonight. I know for certain the strawberry-rhubarb one is pretty good."

He smiled at you and stood, offering you his hand. Taking his hand, he helped you to your feet. Walking into the house, everything seemed fine for the moment, but you decided to do something in case this happened again.

* * *

 _Dear Sans. It happened again, but you probably don't remember it. That's okay though. I'm sorry that you had to go through that, but I'm here for you, just like I was after that first time at Toriel's. I know it's not your fault, so you shouldn't blame yourself._

 _If you don't remember what happened, you had another flashback and attacked me, or someone else. Most likely, you killed me, causing me to reset. I know I promised I wouldn't, but this was an emergency, and I'm sorry._

 _Whatever you do, don't think this is your fault. Don't think you're broken, because you're not. You just need support and love, and that's why I'm here._

 _I love you Sans. You're my best friend and I could never let you go through this alone. Even if you don't completely remember, I'll always be here for you._

You tucked the note in your phone case, between the plastic and the actual device. You needed to keep this with you where ever you went, just in case.

You hoped you would never have to use it, but you should have known better. The next time you used the note was almost a month later.

* * *

You had been very diligent with saving after that first incident. Sans seemed okay after that, keeping himself calm and collected.

It was almost a month after that first time when it happened again. You and the skeleton had been walking through the park when something caught his eye. A child was running across the meadow, their green and yellow striped shirt almost blending in with the grass. Their brown hair was the only thing that stood out against the nature.

Sans froze, as if he had been stabbed in the back suddenly. You had a feeling you knew where this was going, so you quickly pulled him behind some trees so no one would see and get upset. You just let him do it, knowing the last save was just that morning, before he came to your house to take you to the park.

It didn't hurt as badly this time, because you weren't fighting it You just let him kill you.

* * *

You woke back up next to the star that was for some reason inside your closet. You never knew why some of the saves were in such strange places.

A buzz at your front door told you Sans was ten minutes earlier than he was supposed to be. You slipped your phone in your pocket and went to answer the door. Before his scowl could say anything, you took your phone out and thrust the paper in his face.

He warily read it, the light in his eyes following the lines of writing. He handed the paper back with a numb hand, his eyes searching yours, almost pleading for it to be a joke.

"I'm sorry…" You said, taking the paper back and replacing it in your case. He reached a hand out to you, but seeing your slight flinch, let it drop to his side.

"Hehe, maybe going out today isn't such a good idea." He said with a sad chuckle.

"Let's just hang out today." You suggested. "Maybe take a nap." Sans just gave you a tired smile and ran a hand over his face.

"Yeah… that sounds good kiddo."

* * *

 **This is a pretty short chapter, but I had some time and was able to write this up. I know I didn't explain the PTSD in detail, but that was to show that the reader didn't really understand it themselves, but still wanted to help their friend.**

 **Short chapter, short A/N! I don't really have anything else to say but thanks for the support and care you've been giving me! I love you all so much!**

 **Until next time!**

 **~Starlight**


	32. Day of Love - romance

"Babe…." Sans groaned into your ear. You groaned back and turned away. "Babe wake up."

"You're not even awake yourself bone boy." You say with a sleepy smile. You felt his arms wrap around your waist and pull you in tighter to him.

"Yeah… but I have plans for today." He sounded like he was about to pass out again. You shimmy around until you were facing him. You look at his sleepy skull with a smile before leaning in and placing a kiss on his cheek bone.

Sans opened one eye lazily and grinned at you. His arms snaked around you, one arm going around your waist and the other tangling in your hair.

"Aw come on babe. I worked hard on these plans." He whined, his voice deeper and slower with exhaustion.

"You look like you're going to pass out." You giggle and nuzzle his chin.

"I'd do anything to make our first Valentine's Day together as special as possible." He began stroking your hair lazily.

"I just wanna stay like this forever." You mutter, resting your head on his chest. You listened to his soul thrum in contentment and smiled.

"We do this almost every weekend." He sounded slightly upset, but when you glanced up his face was as soft and content as always.

"Yeah but I love it." You whined, pulling the blanket up over you. Sans chuckled deeply and yawned wide.

"Here, you go back to sleep, but let me go get your day started." He said. You could never get over the love in his voice.

"But Saaaaaaans." You complained, holding him down with the weight of your body on his chest. Your whole torso moved as he talked again.

"Look babe, go back to sleep, and after we have the most amazing day ever, we can spend more time in bed, alright?"

"…Alright." You roll off his chest and cuddle up under the still warm blankets. You felt the mattress shift as the skeleton stood. You heard his back cracking as he stretched and giggled a little. He heard you, and shoved you gently.

You never thought you would be here, sleeping in Sans' bed, waiting for him to get his Valentine's Day plans together for you. Just a few months ago, you were a scared teenager. Now, you were dating your best friend.

You sighed in pure bliss and took a deep breath, breathing in everything around you. You felt your heart flutter in joy before drifting back off to sleep.

* * *

"… Wake up. Babe, come on." Sans' voice drifted into your dreams. You scowled and hid under the blanket. You heard a deep chuckle and the blanket was suddenly gone. You sit up, in shock at the sudden cold.

"Sans!" You exclaimed, shooting your boyfriend a betrayed look. Sans just laughed and wrapped something around your shoulders. Looking down, you saw a fluffy pink blanket with red and dark pink hearts on it. You look back up at Sans in shock and awe. He just grins wider and puts out a hand to help you stand.

"Did you go out and buy me a new blanket?" This was one of the best presents you had ever received on Valentine's Day. He just placed a kiss on your cheek and led you downstairs. "Thank you so much."

"Don't thank me yet babe. There's a whole day ahead of you." He grinned lazily. Grinning back, you followed him into the kitchen. Your jaw dropped at the sight before you.

The table had a white table cloth, complete with red roses in a crystal vase and a plate of pink pancakes, vaguely in the shape of hearts. You felt tears stinging your eyes. You turn to Sans and see his nervous smile.

"Do… do you like it?" He asked, his voice mild and scared. You threw your arms around his neck and bury your face in his neck.

"It's amazing Sans." You honestly thought you were going to cry, but you stayed strong. He moved back from your hug and pulled the chair out for you. You honestly thought you were still dreaming as you took your seat.

Looking at the center piece, you saw something tucked between the blossoms. Pulling the note from the vase, you did cry – just a little.

 _Dear, you light up my life. I know sometimes we can be a_ **thorn** _in each other's side, but at the end of the day I couldn't see myself loving anyone else. –Sans_

You wiped the tear away quickly before smiling at Sans. He knew they were tears of joy, but it still worried him to see you cry.

"Here, let me." He placed some of the butt-heart pancakes onto your plate. Papyrus was the best cook in the Underground, but Sans was a close second. They were fluffy and tasted like vanilla, and you ate five hearts before feeling like exploding.

"My ideas for today weren't this amazing…" You felt guilty. All you were planning on doing was… well let's just say you bought some special underwear for today specifically. You felt your ears burn at the thought.

"You don't need to do anything today. Just let me take care of you." Sans said as he took your plate from the table. You had never seen the skeleton so eager to help around the house, but you weren't about to complain.

"I want to do something for you though."

"Just enjoy the day. That's the best present you could give me." He offered a hand, and you took it. "Ready?" He asked. You nodded and he teleported away.

* * *

You reappeared in Waterfall. You could hear the music box playing in the near distance, the soft melody filling you with a sense of nostalgia. Sans guided you behind one of the waterfalls to show a blanket set up.

"Sans…" You were speechless. There were pillows and candles stuck on all the surfaces, the flames giving off a soft glow against the sharp edged of the rocks. He led you to the largest pillow and had you sit. Before you sat down, you saw another note folded neatly on the cushion.

 _You are my muse, my music, my reason to love each day._

You placed the note in your pocket, next to the first one from breakfast.

Moving to sit across from you, he pulled out a basket hidden behind one of the rocks. Sans winked at you before pulling out two glasses and a bottle.

"I know you're not a fan of alcohol, so I got some sparkling spider cider." He said, his voice hard to hear over the roar of the water. He handed you the flute and you accepted it with a soft smile. Taking a sip, you were surprised to taste so much carbonation.

"This is delicious!" You said, taking another sip. Sans just grinned at you like you were the most precious thing in the world. Moving again, he pulled something else from behind the rock. Swinging his legs around, he rested the guitar on his lap. Strumming it once or twice, he made eye contact with you before starting to sing.

 _All of me,_

 _Loves all of you._

 _All your curves and all your edges,_

 _All your perfect imperfections._

His deep voice resonated though the cave. By the second verse, his eyes were closed in concentration, his voice growing more and more emotional. You listened to the lyrics and felt the tears building again. You took another sip of your cider to try to keep yourself calm, but by the time he opened his eyes again, you had tears streaming down your face.

Sans placed the guitar off to the side and opened his arms for you. Placing your glass to the side, you threw yourself at him again, knocking him back. You laughed and cried into his shoulder, blubbering something over and over.

"I love you too babe." He said warmly, holding you close. "But the day isn't over yet."

You pulled back, eyes wide with shock. Wiping your face, you tried to tell him he didn't need anything else. Today had already been the best day of your life, but he wasn't taking any of it. Packing up the blanket in a single snap, he held his hand out for you again.

* * *

"Why are we at Grillby's?" You asked, not that you were upset about being at your favorite restaurant. Sans held up a finger, telling you 'you'll see'. You followed him up to the bar and saw an ice cream Sunday and two jars filled with what looked like pieces of papers.

"It seems like the day has been working out quite well." Grillby said with a faint smile. You grinned wide and smiled.

"Absolutely amazing." You smiled at Sans, who linked his fingers with yours.

"How about we share some ice-mazing treats?" Sans asked with a cheesy wink. You shook your head with a grin and slid into your usual seat. The bar was more empty than usual, but those who were there were trying to discretely watch your date. Halfway through your treat, you asked what the jars were for.

"The one on the left was something I had been working on for a few months. It was a coincidence that I finished it in time for Valentine's Day. The one on the right is something I made especially for today." He slid the one from the left over to you. Curiously, you unscrew the lid and take a piece of paper from the jar.

 _She always smiles at me when we see each other in town, and she always compliments my pet brother._

It was a note from the rabbit lady in Snowdin. You pulled out another. It was another thing someone from town liked about you. You realized that's what all the notes were, little notes telling you why everyone like you.

"You used to have real self-esteem issues, so I started getting this together before we even started dating. There's one from every monster in the whole Underground, in case you ever need a pick me up." He slid the second jar to you.

The first piece of paper said ' _eyes_ ' in familiar handwriting. The next simply said _'smile'_.

"What's this all about?" You asked, not sure what was happening.

"Now, this one was all me. Every time I found something new that I loved about you, I would write it on a piece of paper and put them in this jar." He said as you pulled more papers from the jar. _'laugh', 'goofy face', 'movie commentary', sleepy voice'._

The tears were coming again. With each one you read, the tears flowed faster and faster down your cheeks.

"S-sans…" You looked up at him, hands shaking with all the emotions building up in you.

"And every day I find more things to add to the jar." He wiped your cheek and took your hand. "I've never had anyone to spend Valentine's Day with before, so I wanted to make it as memorable as possible."

"I don't think I could ever forget today." You gave his hand a squeeze. "I have something planned for you too, but it's not this amazing."

"Anything you planned is going to be perfect, because it's coming from you." He leaned in and rested his forehead against yours.

"You'll just have to wait until tonight then." You pulled back and gave him a flirty wink. His skull flushed blue when he realize what you said and called Grillby over to order lunch. You hadn't realized how late it had gotten since you left the house after breakfast.

* * *

You and Sans sat in the bar for a few hours, talking and laughing and simply having a good time. Grillby never tried to kick you out. In fact, he put the tab on the house, for the special day.

You made your way back to the house, hand in hand and heart filled to the seams with love. Opening the door, you both fell inside, trying to get away from the cold as quickly as possible. You were ready for your part of the plan.

"Why don't you go wait in your room." You said seductively. Well, you tried to say it seductively but you probably ended up sounding nervous. Either way, you had never seen Sans so eager or anxious about anything before.

He teleported to his room, and you pulled the bag from its special hiding place. Going to the bathroom, you changed into the fancy underwear you picked out specifically for today. You felt your nerves failing with every second you struggled with the straps, but you refused to give up. After everything Sans did for you, this was the least you could do.

You put Sans' favorite jacket on over the lingerie, zipping the blue hoodie up almost all the way before heading to his door.

Knocking twice, you opened it slowly. Sans was sitting on his bed, anxiously bouncing his foot against the floor. As soon as the door opened his eyes shot to you, his blush burning even brighter when he saw you weren't wearing pants.

You sauntered over to him and made a show of slowly unzipping the jacket. With a flourish, you drop the jacket to the ground.

The look on his face was something you would never forget.

* * *

The sun shined through the window, waking you up gently. You were wrapped in Sans' arms, your bare chest warm against his naked bones. Your hips were sore, but in a good way. You stretched, feeling your back pop back into place after sleeping in such an odd position.

"Sans…" You whispered, trying to wake him up. After saying his name three more times, the skeleton finally opened an eye and gave you a lazily grin.

"Morning babe." He blinked slowly. "What's with that look?"

You didn't realize you were making a face. Gathering the blanket around your naked body you snuggled in closer to his body.

"Nothing. I just love you" You said and yawned. Sans chuckled and placed a kiss on the top of your head.

"Love you too babe."

* * *

 **I wanted to write something special for Valentine's Day. I know I haven't been focusing on this story as much as I should, but I'm finally starting to get back into reading actual books again. I can write and do other things at the same time, but when I read I'm completely absorbed by the story. I cannot multitask when I'm reading.**

 **Updates are going to slow, but are not going to stop, not for a very long time!**

 **Suggestions are open again! I don't know if I said it on the last chapter, but I opened them up first on the tumbr and got some pretty good ones. So now the suggestion list is opened again here as well!**

 **I know Valentine's Day is super dumb, especially when you don't have a partner, but it doesn't have to be romantic love. Send some love to your family. Send some chocolates to your best friend. You never know how much a $1 box of chocolate can light up someone's day!**

 **Until next time!**

 **~Starlight**


	33. Best Friends - self harm

**Warnings: Self-harm, mentions of depression. Human Sans (Based off Toddnet's design on Tumblr.)**

* * *

You swore under your breath. Your hip caught on the edge of the table, pulling at the bandaging.

"You okay kid?" Sans asked, not getting up from the couch. He was lazing in your apartment again, as per usual. Your apartment was small but cozy, the kitchen and living room the same room only separated by a counter. The couch was facing away from the kitchen, the television attached to the wall facing the kitchen. Your room was off to the side, and the bathroom was attached to the bedroom. Sans usually slept on the couch, but that was because he was usually too lazy to move. The few times he was able to get up, you snuggled in bed – totally platonic snuggling, as you told Undyne time and time again. She didn't believe you.

"Yeah just slammed my hip into the table." You responded, gingerly touching your sore hip, hoping the blood wouldn't soak through the bandaging.

"I'm hungryyyyyyy." He whined, his deep voice moaning from the other area.

"Well, what do you want to eat?" You ask, hoping to shut the guy up. You could see his tanned arm lazily wave above the edge of the couch in a vague 'you decide' kind of gesture. Before flopping back down.

"You want some spaghetti?" You asked, knowing it would rile him up. Sans popped his head up over the edge of the couch, glaring at you. His hair was starting to grow out, the shaved sides were about half an inch long and the rest flopped in his face.

His right eye was a warm chocolate brown, just like his brother's, but the left was icy blue, thanks to his heterochromia – apparently his great grandmother had the same thing. When he scrunched his eyebrows like that, you could see the hole where his piercing used to be. He took it out after graduating high school, but you still thought he looked good with it in.

"Alright! Fine! No spaghetti. How about tacos?" You suggest, rummaging through the small fridge. He grunted in approval and slunk back on the couch. "Hey, is your ass imprint ever going to leave my couch?" You called over your shoulder as you pulled out some ground beef.

"Nope. This couch and me, we're in a long term relationship. Ain't nothing gonna take my couch away from me." He said. You could hear the grin in his voice and rolled your eyes.

"It's _my_ couch." You reminded him. He just clicked his tongue.

"Yeah, but I helped you pick it out."

"Yeah, from the thrift shop, you goof ball." You responded over the sizzling meat.

"So I have just as much claim over our couch child as you do."

"Fine, but you gotta start paying child support." You joked. Sans just groaned and flopped down on the couch.

You had moved into town when you were in the second grade. Everyone already knew each other, so you had a hard time making friends at first. One day, you saw the older kids picking on one of the kindergarteners. You made sure to give them a piece of your mind, and shared your lunch with the kid. You found out his name was Papyrus, and that he had a brother that was also in the second grade. After that, you never had troubles making friends.

You and Sans had been thick as thieves after that. Eating lunch together, causing trouble and doing school projects together. You even took each other to prom because neither of you had a significant other at the time.

After graduation, Sans was supposed to join the army – to make his dad happy – but he found an internship at the science museum. It was tough on his parents, when he told them he wasn't going into the army. So hard, in fact, his father kicked him out.

He's been couch hopping for the past two months. Mostly at your place, which you found and moved into before graduating. Your parents wanted to downsize their house and move, but you wanted to finish high school and go to college there, so they helped you with rent. Sans sometimes spent time at Undyne's, and managed some nights at home when his dad wasn't around.

You were lost in thought, your best friend's predicament at the forefront of your mind. You felt something touch your sides and you jerked so violently, you sliced your finger. You had been chopping lettuce, and now you had to throw it out because it was glistening red.

"Oh crap! I'm so sorry." Sans started freaking out, grabbing a paper towel from above the sink and wrapping it around your finger.

"It's fine." You said, shooing his away. Putting the bloody knife in the sink, you tossed the lettuce and went into the bathroom. Pulling out your first aid kit, you pulled out some bandaging and tape. With a few expert movements, you wrapped your finger. You heard a low whistle from the door.

"You have half the drug store here." He said, scanning the extensive first aid kit with an impressed look.

"You know how clumsy I am." You said, hoping he wouldn't notice the tightness of your smile. He hesitated, but grinned and stepped aside.

"That you are." He chuckled, his dimples showing themselves. You stuck your tongue out at him before smelling something burning.

"Oh shit!" You raced to the kitchen in time for the smoke alarm to go off. The beef was fried, literally. Blackened lumps of meat stuck to the pan was all that was left of your home cooked meal. As you wrestled with the fire alarm, Sans was tossing the burnt meat in the trash along with the bloody lettuce.

"Maybe we should order pizza." He said, his voice shaking from trying to hold back laughter. With a sigh, you went to your 'take out' jar. As you reached in to count out the bills, Sans took the jar from your hands and placed it to the side. "I got this. It was my fault tacos were ruined in the first place."

"You sure?" You didn't like it when someone spent money on you. You always felt like a burden when someone had to do something for you.

"Very sure. Besides, how many meals have you made me the past few weeks? How many times have you let me hog all the covers at night? I owe you at least three pizzas." He grinned, his whole face lighting up. Sans always had the best smile, even when you were kids.

"We should invite Undyne and Alphys over." You suggested. Undyne graduated with you, but her girlfriend Alphys was five years older, and was one of the head scientists at the museum Sans had the internship at. They both lived at Alphys' house.

"But then we'll have to buy a whole 'nother pizza." He groaned. You just chuckled and tossed some bills at him from the jar and picked up your phone. Shooting a quick text to your friends, you let Sans deal with ordering the pizza. He was always better at talking to strangers than you. You made him order for you whenever you went out together.

"Pizza will take forty-five minutes to get here."

"You got delivery? I could have just picked it up." You said, but he just shrugged and sat on the couch, patting the seat next to him. "And the others will be here in about an hour. Wanna text Pap?"

"Sure. He loves get togethers." Sans took out his phone and sent a quick text before turning to you. "Alright. Sharing hour has now begun."

Sharing hour was a game you played, starting back in the fifth grade, when some boy stuck gum in your hair because it was too long for a boys haircut and too short for a girls. He found you crying in the tube slide and made you talk to him. Since then it had been a ritual for the two of you; intimate sharing hour and get everything off your chest in complete confidence.

Despite the name, these times lasted between two and six hours at a time.

"Have something you want to get off your chest?" You ask, not sure why he was calling a sharing hour now.

"Yeah. I have this… friend, see? We've been really close for a while now, and I thought we told each other everything. But lately my… friend has seem really distant. Not having real talk as much, covering up injuries and frowns and stuff. I don't know what to do, cuz I can't help if they won't open up, you know?" He said, bouncing his foot and looking at the crack in the living room table intently. You raised scrunched your eyebrows.

"Why do you think this friend is blocking you out?" You ask, worried about his friend.

"I dunno. Everything seemed to be going good, but about two or three months before graduation, they just… closed off. I've tried getting them to talk but it all seems to go right over their head."

"I think you should just confront them." You suggest. "It's best to be open and honest."

Sans looked at you with piercing eyes, as if trying to tell you something without using words, but the meaning was lost on you. Sans blinked and sighed as he ran a hand through his bangs.

"Maybe I will. Anything you want to talk about?" He asked pointedly. You fidget but don't let him see how uncomfortable you were.

"Nothing new. Just freaked out about starting college. You know how I stress out and over exaggerate everything in my head." You say light heartedly, looking right above his right shoulder, but not at his face. You could see him scowl from your peripherals.

"You've been losing weight." He said suddenly, startling you a little. Instinctually, you look down at your stomach. You guessed it looked a little flatter, but you weren't really trying.

"I guess I've just been really stressed lately." You said, but you were remembering all the days you were stuck in bed, too tired and emotionally dead to move. Two, three days in a row you could barely move, let alone eat.

You realized you only really ever ate when Sans was over.

"Well, maybe I should stick around a little more to make sure you actually eat." He said and bumped your shoulder with a knowing grin.

"My door is always open to you, you know that." You smiled warmly at him. His expression seemed to melt a little, but before you could think about it too much, his shot you a shit-eating grin and pulled you into a head lock. Messing up your hair, he growled at you jokingly.

"S-sans! Stooooop!" You laughed and tried to fight, but secretly you liked this kind of contact. It wasn't sexual but it was nice, the warmth of it.

"Fine." He said, pinning you to the couch with an arm thrown across your chest. You tried struggling, but he was much heavier than you. Sans started fake snoring, and you groaned in defeat. You weren't getting up anytime soon.

Accepting your defeat, you let your arm dangle over the edge of the couch and started to drift off. Just as you were about to fall asleep, the caller rang. Shoving Sans' sleeping form off of your own, you went over to the caller and pressed the button.

"Hello?"

"Um, delivery for Sans?" A male voice said from the other end.

"Come on up." You hit the buzzer and let the delivery boy up. Two minutes later, there was a knock at your door.

"The total is $25.50 please." The boy said, handing over the two pizza boxes and a bottle of soda. You tried balancing it as you reached for the money but the boxes were skillfully taken from your hands as Sans handed the boy the money.

"Thanks kid. Keep the change." Sans said, his voice even deeper from sleep. You shot him a look but he just shrugged and smiled. "Don't look at me like that."

"Should we wait for everyone or…?" You ask, your stomach growling. Sans just chuckled deeply and pulled a piece from the box, handing it to you.

"They're not going to get mad. It's their fault for not being here sooner."

There was a single knock on the door before it was thrown open. Undyne practically ran in, followed by Alphys and Papyrus. Undyne had somehow grown even more since graduation, standing at almost 6 feet and solid muscle. She gained more muscle mass since joining the police academy, but she had always been strong. Her red bangs fell over her eye, but that didn't stop her from seeing what felt like absolutely everything.

Alphys was much shorter, only coming to her girlfriend's shoulder. Her blonde hair was pulled back in a small pony tail and her glasses made her eyes look huge. Papyrus was as tall as Undyne, despite being three years younger. Tan skin and dark brown hair, just like Sans, but his face was longer than his brother's.

"Damn! Look like we missed first slice dibs!" Undyne explained loudly as she moved to the kitchen.

"T-thank you for inviting us over." Alphys smiled at you. You just smiled back.

"No problem. I missed hanging out with you guys. You've been so busy lately." You said, and the shorter girl just giggled quietly.

"Sup Alph. How's the science going?" Sans asked, talking with half chewed pizza in his mouth.

"Sans! How many times must I tell you to finish chewing before talking?" Papyrus exclaimed, stating at the half dissolved crust and cheese with mild horror. Sans smiled sheepishly and swallowed his bite.

"I-it's going good! Y-you really should c-come by the labs a-at some point. Otherwise your i-internship will g-go to someone else." She said, adjusting her glasses. You looked at Sans with shock.

"You haven't been going to the museum?" You asked, your mom side coming out. He smiled, but it was more of a grimace.

"Haven't had the time. I'll go back starting Monday, alright?" He said with a shrug, helping himself to a third slice of pizza.

"A-alright. I'll make sure they know y-you're coming." Alphys gave a shy smile and nibbled on her girlfriend's crust. They were the perfect couple in that aspect, Undyne liked the cheesy part but hated the crust. Alphys was lactose intolerant but loved the crust.

"Hey, who wants to watch a movie?" Undyne asked, already digging through your movie collection.

With a unanimous, mumbled agreement, everyone settled down to watch whatever movie Undyne picked out.

* * *

"She is quite like you, brother." Papyrus said, talking about the main character. She was always tired and found it hard to do things most of the time. You had seen the movie, so you already knew the main character was going to be diagnosed with depression later on. The compassion between your best friend and the protagonist shocked you.

He was right. You berated yourself for not noticing it before. Sans lazed around, found it hard to motivate himself to do anything… and you were positive you had woken up to sobbing at some point this summer. Sans gave a deep chuckle, but you heard the tightness in it.

"Nah bro. I'm just lazy." He grinned, but you were staring at him intently. He caught your eye and waved you off, making some off handed pun to diffuse the situation.

The movie when on, the main character learning that she didn't need to change herself to make friends and find love. It was cheesy, sure, but it was entertaining to make fun of. At one point, the antagonist made a snarky comment.

At this point in the movie, the protagonist was able to brush it off, but it really stuck with you. _Why don't you go cut your wrists or something?"_

The protagonist just laughed it off and went with her friends, leaving the bully with her shocked friends. You stared at the screen with a blank expression, hearing your heart beat in your ears. You felt Sans' hand on your wrist, trying to get your attention. You finally glancing over to him, locking eyes. He asked you what was wrong with his eyes and eyebrows.

You just smile tightly and shake your head. He raised one eyebrow and gave me an unamused look. You pulled out your phone and sent him a quick text so as not to draw any attention to you. _'sharing hour tonight?'_ You saw him take out his phone and raise both eye brows at the message. He typed a quick response and pocketed his phone.

 _'I'll hold you to that'._ He caught your eye again and smiled. You smiled back, less sure of yourself. As the movie wrapped up, you rubbed your thigh over your pants, trying to get the tingling sensation to go away.

* * *

Everyone stood and stretched, flicking on the lights and gathering scattered shoes and jackets. There was only two extra pieces of pizza, and you convinced Papyrus to take them home with him. With his dad deployed and his mom always working, it was hard on the kid to have to cook for himself every night.

You could tell Sans wanted to protest, wanted you to eat them, but you'd rather Papyrus eat over yourself.

Alphys and Undyne left first, wanting to beat the rush hour traffic home. Papyrus only stayed long enough to help clean up before giving you a strong goodbye hug and whispering something to Sans. You didn't want to pry, because the brothers certainly had a lot of talk about when they got together, which seemed to be rare.

By the time the two of you were alone, it was late and you were exhausted.

"Sans, are you going to crash on the bed?" You asked, yawning and going into the bedroom to change. You slipped on some sleep short and kicked your jeans off to the side. You'd pick them up in the morning… maybe.

"Yeah, give me a second." His voice came from the living room. A minute later, he sauntered into the room and went over to your dresser. After the first week of him staying with you, you just gave him a drawer for his clothing. It made it easier for you both.

He pulled his shirt off over his head, and your eyes were instantly drawn to the large scar on his chest. You remember when the accident happened. You were both nine years old. Someone tried to hassle Papyrus and pulled out a knife. Sans threw himself in front of the blade and spent three weeks in the hospital because it wouldn't heal right.

You had visited him every single day during those three weeks.

"See something you like?" Sans asked, a cocky grin matching his raised eyebrows. Your face turned bright red and you spluttered, trying to explain that you weren't staring. He just chuckled and pulled an oversized t-shirt on.

He wasn't fat, not in the slightest. He wasn't a lanky guy either, but he was small enough that his extra-large sleep shirt was so baggy it made him look like a toddler wearing his father's shirt. You thought it was adorable.

"Come on you weirdo. Get under the covers." He said, pulling the comforter back so you could slip in next to him.

"Did you hear what you just said?" You asked, laughing. You got in the bed and pulled the blankets up over your lap. "You're the weirdo here."

"Eh you caught me." Sans responded, his leg brushing yours as he got under the covers as well. "So, what's been eatin ya? You've been real quiet lately."

"… I don't know where to start." You admit, feeling weird about being honest, even if it was just about something as small as not knowing where to begin.

"Alright, start with what happened during the movie?" He suggested, taking your stuffed penguin and hugged it, resting his chin on its head like a pillow. He had gotten you that penguin when his family took you to the aquarium when you were eight. The penguin had been your nighttime companion every night since then.

"Something the bully character said bothered me." You said, wrapping your blankets around your shoulders like it could protect you from this sharing hour.

"What did she say?" He gently asked.

"Something about… going and cutting her wrists… or something." You tried covering it up, but Sans knew exactly what you meant.

"Are you okay?" He asked, and you knew he didn't just mean physically. It was a loaded question. You fought with yourself for several minutes, trying to figure out if you really wanted to open up to him or keep your secrete for another three years.

"No." You whispered, shocking yourself with the confession.

"What's wrong?" He asked, knowing if he didn't push you a little you would close yourself off and never explain what you meant.

"Everything." You retreated into your blanket cocoon farther, as if you could escape this. Sans ran a hand through his bangs, making the hair stick up in every direction.

"Care to explain?" Sans said, handing you the penguin to hug.

"I don't think I can handle college Sans. The semester starts in less than a month and I'm not ready at all. I'm going to fail out… I'm not smart enough for college." You were shaking, staring off into space and trying to keep yourself from crying.

"You're plenty smart! You were in the top 40% of the whole grade when we graduated." Sans tried to console you.

"Yeah? You made top ten and you didn't even try!" You shot back, wanting to get your emotions out somehow without crying.

"But you're not me, and I'm not you. You're a star musician. I couldn't carry a tune even if it had handles and specific instructions."

"You got an internship at a science museum. I'm enrolled at a community college. I'm not going anywhere with my life! And you… your future is it literally the brightest thing in the world. You can do anything you want…" You felt a single tear roll down your face. You quickly wiped it away with the back of your hand and sniffled.

"Are you kidding me? I got this internship to piss my dad off. There's no way I'm going to get a science degree or whatever. You, on the other hand, can do some serious good in this world. You just gotta work towards it."

"Papyrus was right, wasn't he?" You asked, wiping your eyes again.

"What?" Sans was thrown off by the change of conversation.

"During the movie. Papyrus said you were like the girl. He was right, wasn't he?" Your voice was neutral, but you were worried about him. Sans sighed and leaned his back against the headboard of the bed.

"Yeah. I just didn't want him to worry about me." He gave a humorless chuckle. "I've known for a while that I have depression. I mean, I never went to the doctors about it but I'm pretty sure." He looked over at you and his grin faded from his face.

You were looking at him with wide eyes. You could feel them filling with tears and you honestly felt awful. You should have been there for your best friend. You threw yourself at him, wrapping your arms around his neck.

"Hey, hey, hey! Why are you crying?" He asked, surprise coloring his tone.

"I-I'm so sorry Sans! I should have n-noticed or something b-but I didn't! You m-must have had to g-go through all that alone!" You cried into his shoulder. You felt his arms wrap around your waist and pull you into a hug.

"Don't beat yourself up over it. I tried to hide it from everyone… I didn't want anyone to worry about me."

You straightened up, using your sleeves to wipe your cheeks. Your nose was running, and Sans handed you a tissue from the bedside table. You blew your nose and tossed it towards the trashcan but missed. Sans watched you calm down with a fond smile.

"The only person that ever cried over me was Pap, when I got kicked out of the house…" He chuckled again, placing his hand on top of your head.

"I don't want to lose you Sans." You mutter, wiping your face again. He sat back, blinking owlishly.

"You think…?" He narrowed his eyes in confusion. "Why would I leave you?"

"I'm going to be stuck in this dead end town for the rest of my life, but you're so smart you could be working for NASA someday. You'd be better off if you went off to find your destiny. And I don't have one of those…"

"Destiny?" He chuckled again. "That's just fairytale trash. My 'destiny' is whatever I want it to be, and right now its here with you."

"I'm just paranoid." You said in a defeated tone. Sans reached over and took your hand, tracing your knuckles with his thumb.

"Why did that line from the movie mess you up so much?" He asked quietly, soothingly rubbing the back of your hand.

"Sans… we've told each other everything, right? Everything since second grade, right?" You asked, your nerves starting to give out.

"Of course. Well, I've told you everything." He said. You shot him a look, and his face turned sheepish. "Alright, I hid one thing, but that was for your own good."

"If I tell you something, do you promise not to tell anyone? Promise not to tell _anyone."_ You made him agree before taking a deep breath. You sat up and crossed your legs. Sans sat up as well, copying your position, facing you. He took both your shaking hands and held them tight. His hands were always so strong and warm.

"I promise I won't tell anyone." His eyes were so intense, you knew there was no chance he would tell another soul.

"I…" Your hands started shaking even more. Sans picked up on it and held your hands tighter. It was just Sans, you told yourself. He's your best friend. He's going to help you… "I've been c-cutting. Since sophomore year."

Sans gasped sharply. His hands tensed over yours. You might have been imagining it, but it seemed like his own hands were shaking as well.

"T-that long?" He asked, voice trembling. His voice went up at the end, slightly hinting hysteria.

"That long…." You whisper.

"And you never told me? After all out late night talks? After everything we've been through together?" He asked, sounding shaken and hurt. It reminded me of when he first got attacked, shakily telling you to call the cops.

"I've never told _anyone._ I've never even hinted to someone that I was… mutilating myself." You cringed at the term, but you needed to be blunt or you would chicken out.

"Where? Show me." He whispered.

"I d-don't think you want to see…" You say, startled that he would want to see your scars.

"Show me." He said with more command in his voice. He let go of your hands so you could move freely.

You kicked off the covers and stood. Your fingers played with the waistband on your sleep shorts before glancing up at Sans again.

"Are you sure you're sure?" You ask again. He just nods. "They're on my leg, so I'll have to take my pants off…"

"We bathed together when we were kids. Just show me." He had a point. You realized your defeat and took a deep breath. You pulled off your sleep shorts, vaguely glad you decided to wear you're not stained and or ripped underwear.

You watched his eyes widen as he took in the scars and cuts on your thigh. He crawled forward on the bed, almost in a trance. You stepped out of your pants and went to sit on the edge of the mattress. Sans' fingers traced some of the thicker scars.

His finger caught on one of the most raised and flinched. He pulled back, afraid that he hurt you. You smiled weakly at him and took his hand away from your leg. His eye caught the bandage currently secured to your hip, mostly hidden by the waistband of your panties. His face went slack with shock. Without asking for permission, he gently pulled the bandage back. The gauze had stuck to the drying blood and you flinched when it pulled free. His fingers were even lighter on the cuts, their presence barely brushing the injuries.

With a heavy sigh, he replaced the bandage and made sure your waistband would keep the gauze in place. Staring at your thigh, it was obvious he wasn't really seeing anything.

"All this… and I never noticed?" He asked, shaking his head.

"I was very good at hiding it." You said, paraphrasing him from earlier.

"You never went swimming after freshman year." He realized.

"I always had cramps, didn't I?" You mused.

"And you stopped wearing short before senior year."

"I felt more comfortable in leggings and skirts."

"And you always flinched when someone touched your legs or stomach." Sans could feel his stomach sinking. His whole world was turning upside down.

"Maybe I should have told you back in high school." You said half-heartedly.

"You fuckin' think?" Sans said, sounding tired.

"I'm sorry…" You didn't know what else to say. Sans stayed silent for a second before sighing and pulling you onto his lap. You tried protesting, seeing how you were in just a shirt and your underwear. He wasn't having any of that, and used the slightest bit of force to make you stay still and rest your head on his chest.

"Don't apologize. I'm just glad you felt comfortable enough to tell me now." He said, his chest rumbling from his voice. You sighed and rested your cheek against the fabric of his shirt, taking in his comfortable scent and warmth.

"I just feel so lost sometimes. I was afraid to tell anyone. What if they thought I was a freak? What if they didn't want to deal with my bullshit anymore? What if they left me?" You sob once and felt his arms tighten around you. "What if you left me?" It was nothing more than a whisper, but he heard anyway. He brought you in close and rested his mouth on your hairline.

"I'll never leave you. Nothing you could ever do would scare me away." He muttered into your hair, almost like he was praying. His constant mutterings and the slight rocking clamed you down greatly. You grabbed his shirt in your fists and refused to let go.

You felt his hand trail down to your leg again, his thumb gently rubbing the scars. You just sat there, letting him hold you for a while. It had been a long time since the two of you just sat together, silently taking in each other's presence.

"Can we go to bed now?" You ask sleepily. That was definitely one of your deepest sharing hours. Sans yawned and nodded.

"Yeah, it's been a long day for us both." He let you sit up and moved over to his side of the bed. Settling under the blankets, you rested your head back on his chest. Within minutes, you were asleep and smiling for real, for the first time in months.

* * *

The sun greeted you the next morning. Sans was still passed out, his bangs sticking up and his mouth open. He was drooling a little and softly snoring. Somehow, during the night, his shirt had ridden up, exposing his stomach.

With a light touch, you traced the scar that cut from his left shoulder to his right hip. It had faded a lot in the past few years. You remember it being paper white against his tanned skin. You could still faintly see where the stitches were as well, but the whole thing was starting to mellow out and match his skin tone a little more.

His stirred a little under your touch, blinking sleepily and smiling at you.

"Mornin." He grimaced and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. He saw the look on your face and dropped the grimace. "Somethin wrong?"

"I'm just thinking." You say, your finger still tracing his scar.

"Dangerous business, thinking. Penny for your thoughts?" He grinned and sat up. His shirt fell back into place, so you pulled back and sat up yourself.

"We've changed so much since we first met." You mused.

"Isn't that what happens when you grow up?" He asked, amused.

"Why does life think we're indestructible?" You ask. You see his confused face and elaborate. "It throws us the most unrealistic things and expects us to be fine after. Your attack, my cutting. We can't win…"

"Of course we can. Look at me. The doctors said I would never recover from the attack." He said with an easy grin. You sucked in a shocked breath. You never knew that. "They said even if I didn't bleed out, the infection would make me too weak to survive. I took great pleasure in metaphorically flipping them off when I was discharged."

"I never knew that…" You said in horror. Sans just chuckled in that Sans way and ruffled our bedhead.

"And look at you. You held all that in for how many years? Look at how many scars are on your skin and realize that you fought through that. Think of how many people gave in, and realize how strong you are. You're here, with me, today. Both of us could be dead. One of us should most likely be dead, but we're here. Yeah, life threw some crap at us, but we threw crap right back at it" He grinned wide and rested his forehead on yours.

"You always did know exactly what to say, even when we were kids." You smiled back at him. You hadn't felt this light in years.

"You're not going to tell anyone, right?" Your grin dropped.

"Not unless it's completely necessary." He said firmly.

"Sans!" You were shocked that he would even consider telling someone. He saw the betrayal in your face and hastily explained.

"If something were to happen to you, I would tell someone if it meant saving your life. But I'm not going around blabbin to everyone. I promised, did I?" He grinned at you, and you felt right at home. His smile was one consistent in your life.

 _Sans_ was the one consistent in your life.

"You did promise." You smiled and punched him lightly on the shoulder.

"Owwwww, you bully!" He pouted, but couldn't keep the pout for long before bursting into laughter. You felt your smile naturally come to your face, and it shocked you a little bit. It had been so long since you had been able to smile so easily.

"Hey…" He got your attention. Turning your head towards him, his hand caught your cheek, gently cradling your face in his palm. "Don't ever think you're alone, okay? Cuz I'll be with you every step of the way."

"And I'll be there for you Sans." You said, resting your cheek on his palm more. It felt nice, his warmth on your face.

"That's what best friends are for." He grinned and dropped your face just to rest his forehead on your again. His bangs brushed your nose, making you want to sneeze. Something dawned on you.

"Was I the friend you were talking about? When we were talking yesterday?"

"You're not as oblivious as some think you are." Sans said with a half smirk before dropping it and adopting a more serious expression. "Yeah. You've been worrying me for a while, but I thought it was just stress or something. If I knew what _really_ was going on… well, let's just say I wouldn't have been so passive about it."

"I'm sorry." You say again, adverting your eyes.

"What for?" He asked, confused. It was still early, you had to admit to yourself.

"For keeping this from you. I should have told you the first time I cut. Maybe it wouldn't have gotten this bad…" You admitted, feeling weak. Sans pulled back and squished your face between his hands, making you look at him.

"Do not apologize. Yeah, you should have told me, but that's in the past. All the matters now is that we're going to open and honest with each other from here on out. Right?" He asked, intently staring into your eyes. Not able to talk, you tried to nod, the movement muffled by his hands. With a rueful smile, Sans let go of your face and plopped down on the bed. "Alright, good. Now we go back to bed."

He rolled over so his back was to you and pulled the blanket over his shoulders. Glancing at your clock, you saw it was only six in the morning. You hadn't gone to bed until at least after three. To show your agreement, you flopped down next to him, batting his shoulder to tell him to roll back over.

Sans chuckled and flipped around to face you. Lying next to him, you snuggled into his chest and sighed.

You couldn't help but smile as you fell back to sleep.

* * *

 **I dunno why, but this is my absolute favorite chapter so far. I guess it's because I've always wanted a close guy friend or a brother or whatever. I've always had girl friends, but I've never been real close to any guys, and I feel a guy best friend is a different kind of friendship compare to a girl best friend. Not that girl best friends aren't perfect!**

 **I also lowkey wanted to make this romantic, but I took out my loneliness and craving for affection/ shameless romance in the last chapter, so I had to keep it platonic.**

 **I said there would be a gap between updates because I knew this next one was going to be a long chapter. I seemed to have upset some by announcing the delay after the last chapter? While I don't understand why that's any reason to get upset, I apologize. Life and school get in the way sometimes, but that doesn't mean this story is dead. I'll still be updating… Just not as often.**

 **This was a mix of suggestions. Someone asked about a chapter where Sans and the reader stay in bed all day, which I also touched on in the last chapter. I also adore Toddnet's human Sans, so I figured I would mix things up a little.**

 **If anyone has any questions about the chapters or anything, message me here or submit them to the tumblr blog! I know sometimes I leave out important things or leave other plot points hanging. If you want clarification or explanation, I'm more than willing to clear things up!**

 **Until next time**

 **~Starlight**


	34. Ignore Him - self hate

**Warning- mentions of past self-harm and self-deprecation. Another human AU- design still belongs to Toddnet**

* * *

You sit on the low wall outside of the school. You could feel your hands shaking and your breathing was coming in short bursts.

You could feel your hair sagging and your lipstick smudging. It was dumb, trying to make yourself look pretty for such a pathetic reason. You felt a sob rise up in your throat and felt a sad smile perk up your lips.

You weren't sure what you were expecting. You told him you weren't going to bother him anymore. Weren't going to be in his life anymore. Why did you think he would try to reach out to you after that? You were an idiot.

You were absolutely pathetic.

You felt a tear drip down your face and chuckle sadly. Wiping your face with the back of your hand, you felt your stomach heave.

"Are you alright?" A deep voice asked. You jumped and looked over, wiping your face even more frantically as you took in the guy next to you. He was short, with messy brown hair and shaved sides and soft brown eyes. He gave you a lazy grin, but it melted as he took in your eyeliner streaked face and red eyes.

"Yeah. 'm fine." You wave him off and checked your phone. You didn't want to drive home in this state, so you were going to wait as long as possible before heading out. The guy gave you a disbelieving look and sat down on the wall next to you.

"That sounds fake." He said with humor in his tone, but you could tell it was calculated humor. He was definitely the type that used humor to help other people on a daily basis.

"R-really." Damn, you couldn't keep the tremor from your voice. A light breeze blew over you, causing a shiver to run down your spine. The guy saw the shiver and shrugged off his jacket, draping it over your shoulders.

"Did you enjoy the show?" He asked, trying to start a conversation. You were at your old high school, after their spring musical. You went every year so see your friends, but this year was a bit of a disaster.

"It was good for this school." You said with a watery chuckle. Your school was notorious for bad shows. He chuckled deeply and ran a hand through his hair.

"Ain't that the truth." His grin seemed more natural. He dug through his pocket and pulled out a crumpled napkin from the local fast food place. He handed it to me with an almost shy smile. "It's clean, I swear. I always keep a few napkins in my pocket. My bro tends to make a mess whenever we go out." He said with a fond grin.

"Oh, was he in the show?" You asked, dabbing the last of your eyeliner with the napkin.

"Yeah! He was in the chorus, but he was the loudest singer." His voice was full of pride, which warmed your heart. "His name is Papyrus."

"Oh!" The name was familiar to you. "I remember Pap. He was a freshman when I was a senior."

"Same here, guess we were in the same grade and never knew it." He said. You remembered him now. His head wasn't shaved back in high school, so you didn't recognize him. Sans, you remembered his name was.

"Thanks." You say, sniffling a little. You go to give him back the jacket, but he puts a hand out to stop you.

"It doesn't look like you're in any condition to drive right now. How 'bout you and I go get some fries and talk?" He stood and stretched goofily, smiling at you. He held out a hand and you looked at it warily. You had a midnight curfew and it was already ten. His smile softened and he nodded.

You decided that at this point in the night, you'd be safer with this guy you barely knew than home alone with your thoughts. You took his hand and gave him a reluctant smile. '

"I can drop you off back here to get your car, if that's alright." Sans said with a gently voice. You just gave a tight lipped smile and nodded.

"Sounds good to me. I… I think some greasy food might settle my stomach." You say with only a little sarcasm. He looked at you, a little shocked, before grinning wide.

He walked you to his car, which was funnily enough parked a few spots from your own. Throwing your program in the front seat of your own car, you moved to sit in the passenger of Sans'. It wasn't a new car, but it was nice. A dark blue with only a small dent or two.

"So you never told me your name." He said pulling out of the parking lot. He kept his face towards the road, but you saw him glance at you from the corner of his eye. You just smirked a little and introduced yourself, and had the faint feeling that he already knew.

The McDonald's was only five minutes from the school. Pulling into the parking lot filled you with an intense sense of nostalgia. You spent many hours here with your friends, joking and making a general nuisance of yourself.

"After you." He smiled as he held the door open for you. You shot him an amused smile and walked in. There was almost no one there, just a group of teenagers and an old man on the corner. Sans walked right up to the counter. You followed behind him, smiling to yourself at how at ease he was at the restaurant. "You want something to drink?"

"Um, I'll save a small fountain drink…" You say, feeling awkward now that you're there. He just smiled and ordered two large fries, a large drink and a small. When you tried handing him some money, he just waved you away.

"I invited you here. It's only right that I pay for your fries." His voice was deep and soothing. It made the ache in your chest lessen a little.

You found a booth seat and waited for the fries to be done. Since it was late, it took five or so minutes for them to be made. Sans made a comment that they'll be fresh and chuckled. You realized he does that a lot - chuckles, smiles, grins. You got the impression that maybe he was hiding something, but you weren't going to push it.

When your order was called, you jumped at the opportunity to do something helpful. Grabbing the cups, you left the fries and asked what he wanted to drink.

"I'll have some Dr. Pepper, if you could." He teased. Taking the first fry and testing it. He jerked it away from his mouth with an adorable grimace. He fanned his tongue and dipped the fry in some ketchup. You nodded and took the cups over to the soda fountain.

You had been avoiding dark colas – trying to watch our weight some – but it was late and your heart felt shattered, so you filled your cup with cola. Making your way back to the table, you saw Sans was in his phone, tapping away at almost inhumane speed. When he heard you approach, you slipped his phone back in his pocket and smiled.

You sat and handed him the drink. The two of you sat there in silence for a few minutes, enjoying the hot, greasy, salty bandage to your shattered heart. Halfway through the second fry container, he wipe his fingers and smacked his lips.

"So, why were you crying in front of the school?" He asked nonchalantly. You froze, your hand halfway to your mouth. You placed the fry down and wiped your own fingers, feeling queasy.

"It's was dumb." You say, taking a sip from your cup. He rose one eyebrow and stared right into your eyes. You could feel your resolve cracking. "I… I'm just dumb, that's all. I got what I wanted and still wasn't happy with it… I'm pathetic aren't I?" You laugh into your straw, feeling tears stinging your eyes again.

"You're not pathetic." He said with more seriousness than you've heard from him all night. "What happened?"

"I… I wanted to make someone jealous, but I already told him I wasn't going to talk to him again. I don't know why I even bothered… he made it quite clear he was avoiding me too." You couldn't keep the bitterness from seeping into your voice. Sans' eyebrows furrowed as he listened. "I just miss what we used to have, ya know?"

"Yeah… I know what you mean." He said with a sad smile. You figured he had someone he lost as well.

"We tried dating and it didn't work out, but I didn't blame him. He became my best friend… I told him everything. Then we started drifting apart… he got a new girlfriend and couldn't spare me another second." Your eyes were blurring so badly you missed your mouth with your straw, poking yourself in the lip. One tear fell and dropped into the napkin. You felt another sob building up, but you held it down with a sniffle.

"Guys are the worst, aren't we?" Sans asked, offering you a warm smile. He was just trying to make you smile, but his words made your tears build up more. Sans instantly saw the change and widened his eyes in shock. You didn't want to make him feel bad, so you laughed as you wiped your eyes and sniffled.

"Yeah…" You said quietly.

"Hey." He said, just as quietly. He reached across and took your hand, which had started shaking a little. "Don't stress over assholes who can't be bothered to give you a second glance. To be honest he, um, really dropped the ball here. I mean, look at you. If you were trying to make him jealous he'd have to be blind to not be." He grinned at you. You could feel your cheek lighting up and you glanced away, not able to keep eye contact.

"I just… should have seen this coming." You didn't know why you kept talking to him, someone you didn't even know. The words just kept coming out. Your chest hurt more are you talked, but it also felt lighter, like when you have a really bad splinter. It's excruciating to get it out, but in the end it's for the best. "I was too much work for him."

"What do you mean, too much work?" He asked, sounding slightly angry.

"He's… he's the kind of guy that could get a girl for the night without any trouble. He doesn't want to bother with someone who actually takes time. Besides, I could never give him what he wanted without making him mad or upset at me…"

"I kind of want to ask what you mean by 'what he wanted' but I'm going to address that last part there. Why would he be mad at you?" Sans seemed genuine, but it was odd having someone care about you, especially someone who doesn't know you that well.

"I… I told him everything. When I was feeling bad and… wanted to hurt myself, I would text him and he would help me through it. Sometimes he couldn't help me, and got upset when he found out. Since he started ignoring me, I've kept doing… that. If he saw my scars he would be so disappointed in me." Another tear plopped onto the napkin. You pulled your hand from his and blew your nose in a napkin. You could feel the mucus in your throat from crying so you tried washing it down.

Sans just watched you with a sad expression, but didn't say anything until you were ready. He offered to refill your cup for you, and you accepted. You were out already. Maybe you shouldn't have gotten a small…

As Sans gets up, you heard the door open and glanced over. A huge group was filing in, all kids from the show. You recognized a few of the guys who graduated with you, and a few kids from the cast – recognizable by the almost obscene amounts of makeup and hair gel they were wearing.

One of them recognized you and came over, slapping you on the back with a friendly smile. As soon as he saw your face, however, his smile dropped.

"Hey, are you okay?" He asked, motioning for another person to come over. Both of these guys had been in your grade. You were friends, but you were never close. Both of them went to the same college for the performing arts.

"Yeah, I'm fine." You give them your most convincing smile. For a second, you thought they were going to push you, but just then Sans came back and slid into the booth, shooting them a look. They smiled at you and said goodbye, going to order.

Most of the crowed had ordered at that point, so they moved to find some seats. Because the group was so big, they were taking up the whole center area. Just as Sans was going to ask who they were, you heard a familiar laugh.

All the color must have drained from your face, because Sans went from curious to concerned in about half a second. He tried to get you to take a sip of your drink, but you were staring at the tray, completely frozen.

You could feel your hands start to shake and could hear your heart beat in your ears. You didn't realize your breathing was shallow until you hear Sans telling you to breath, to calm down or else you would pass out.

You managed to look him in the eyes, and the warm compassion on his face calmed you down a little bit.

"What's wrong?" He asked, not wanting to draw attention to you. You barely shook your head, feeling the room spin.

"I-it's him." You whispered, choking on the words. Sans instantly shot his head up, scanning the room.

"Which one?" He asked, sitting back and taking a sip of his soda. His eyes were trained on the tray, but you could tell he was just being sneaky.

"Green jacket, by the trashcan." You whisper, letting your hair cover your face. You saw him glance over your shoulder and saw his gaze harden.

"I know that kid." He said, eyes narrowing and his mouth forming an almost scary grimace. He had the thought to stop glaring at the boy and look at you, who was shaking and barely breathing. Making the decision himself, Sans threw the trash out and stood by your side.

"Come on, let's get outta here. I'm not digging the company anymore." He helped you up, you not really seeing anything. You thought enough to grab your cup, but that was more out of habit than you thinking about it.

As Sans walked with you out of the restaurant you watched _him,_ trying to get him to look at you. Just get him to make eye contact… once… but he was too into his conversation with some skinny brunette. It felt as though someone took your heart and shot it through with a bullet.

Sans had to pull you away, his warm hand the only thing you could focus on.

When you finally managed to pay attention to things again, you were sitting in his car again. Your cup was still in your hands, but you weren't buckled up. San was sitting in the driver's seat messing with his phone, but he was watching you from the corner of his eye.

"You feelin better?" He asked, locking his phone and placing it on the dashboard. You blinked and realized that you did feel better. Your 'spells' usually hit fast and strong, but left just as abruptly. You sighed and took a sip of your drink.

"Yeah, actually… thanks for getting me out of there." You said, not looking him in the eye. You heard him sigh and start the car, but he didn't start driving.

"Look. I know that kid. He's complete asshole. Sleeping around, going through girls left and right. Fucking up the hearts of people who don't deserve it…" He gripped the steering wheel tightly, his knuckles turning white.

"I know… I really do know. He took my friend's first kiss then told her that he had plans to hook up with two other girls in the same weekend." You felt your anger bubbling up. "He ignored me and out of the blue asked me to send him nudes… told me not to talk to him anymore then said he'd… he'd _fuck_ me!" Bitter tears flowed down your face.

You felt your rage attacking the walls you built up. All the times you cried over him, hurt yourself over him, lost sleep because of him – all that anger rushing through you.

"I _hate him!_ He fucked me over and over and over again and I kept running back to his nonexistent ass because I thought he loved me! I thought he was good for me! I can't believe I let him worm his way into my head like this! I _hate him!"_ Tears were pouring down your face, and you didn't even bother trying to wipe them away or hide them. You were screaming at this point, but you felt so much better because of it.

"That's good. Let it all out." Sans didn't yell, or try to stop you. He just let you rant until your heart was free from those emotions.

"I thought I had found someone who would always be there for me but I should have known it was too good to be true when he told me he loved me… I knew it was fake. I should have known I was unlovable." The silent tears turned into heartfelt sobs. You doubled over in the seat, pulling your knees up and crying into them.

"You can't really believe that, can you?" Sans asked, sounding incredulous.

"Of course!" You practically yell back. "There was no way he could ever love me because loving me is too much work for anyone to deal with. No one wants to deal with me! Of course he would ignore me… I'm pathetic… pining after someone who obviously couldn't care less about me… I made him hate me because I'm an unlovable person." You couldn't even talk anymore, you were inconsolable. Sans reached over and rubbed your back.

"First off, you're in no way unlovable. He's just an ass who can't see what's in front of him. If he said he loved you because he wanted to get in your pants, that makes him a disgusting pig. It's not your fault you feel something for him. Anyone who creates a bond with someone else will have a bond with them for a long, long time, even if they don't want to.

"The fact that his bad decisions are eating at you is the most disastrous part of this whole thing. He had someone amazing to love him and take care of him and he threw them away so he could sleep around and fuck with people. His bad choices should be things to laugh at, not cry about." Sans pulled back and handed you the drink. You gratefully took it and rinsed your mouth from the dry crying taste on your tongue.

"I'm sorry." You manage to say after a few minutes. He just hummed a little and turned the heater on. "No seriously… you shouldn't have to listen to me bitch about my ex." Your voice was completely monotone. Your intonation as dead as the way you felt inside.

"Look, I saw you outside of the school and… I couldn't just walk away. I know we never really talked in high school, and looking back I really regret that because I always admired you." Sans said, swirling the ice in his own cup. You look at him with wide, watery eyes. He saw your look and chuckled. "You always seemed so happy, so confident around your friends. It took me a while to find my group, so I always looked up to how easily you seemed to make friends." He chuckled and ran a hand through his bangs.

"That was all a lie." You say softly. He looked at you, confused. "I was never really confident. It was all pretend. I pretended to be confident."

"Then I should have looked up to you even more." He grinned at you. "Pretending to be confident is a thousand times harder than having full time confidence."

"That sounds fake." You said with a faint smile, echoing his words from earlier that night. He caught what you were doing and chuckled deeply. Just as you were about to make a joke, your phone went off. Your mom was asking when you'd be home. "Oh, I need to get home."

"Alright. Let's get you back to the school then." The two of you drove in a comfortable silence. You were all cried out, and although your chest was numb, you also felt light.

"Thanks for this Sans… for everything." You said, not sure how to say goodbye.

"It was no problem." He grinned lazily and winked, causing you to blush a little. As you started your car, you heard a knock at your window. Rolling it down, Sans handed you something. It was a McDonald's napkin with something written on it.

"Hey, text me sometime? We can get some fries again." He said, a faint red tint to his cheeks. You giggled at how flustered he got all of a sudden and sent him a message right then and there so he would have your number as well.

"Goodnight Sans." You said.

"Night." He returned your smile.

* * *

As you drove home, you reflected on the last time you drove home after an encounter with _him,_ sobbing and almost crashing. Now, you were blushing and smiling at the road. It was amazing how one person could change your views.

You knew you wouldn't be able to forget about _him_ anytime soon, but you hoped that maybe this new friendship with Sans would help you get over it, at least a little.

* * *

 **I know, another human AU… I'm planning on doing other AU's starting next chapter! I'm definitely going to do Underfell and Underswap, but I'll try to do some more if I'm comfortable enough with them.**

 **I know this chapter sucks, but I needed to get this off my chest. At least the reader had someone to talk them down from their panic attack…**

 **ANYWAY yeah boys suck, love doesn't exist and there's no point pretending otherwise.**

 **Thank you for all the suggestions that have been sent in! I feel bad that I haven't been able to get through them, especially the ones I've had for a while now. My goal is still to write all the suggestions, but I don't know how reasonable of a goal that is at this point. We're thirty something chapters in, and I have another thirty something suggestions I haven't even touched yet…**

 **Anyway, thank you for reading!**

 **Until next chapter**

 **~Starlight**


	35. Brotherly Miscommunication - abuse

**Warnings- abuse, PTSD, Underfell AU, foul language and crude humor**

* * *

You couldn't stop shaking. Your run in with the Queen of the Ruins left you with more than just a scratch or two. The blood was freezing to your sweater, making the usually soft fabric hard and stiff. You stumbled on a rock and felt the frozen blood crack with the jostled movement.

Kneeling in the snow, you let a sob rip through your chest. The tears instantly froze to your face, so you tried to wipe your face dry before even more tears froze. You heard a gasp from a little ways ahead and looked up, scared.

"Who's there?" A deep, gravelly voice called over to you. You could feel your heart stutter, and your shaking was more than just the cold. Falling back into old habits, you started quoting things to cover your fear.

"Nobody." You responded shakily, thinking back to the man that managed to trick the Cyclops.

"Nobody my ass. Show yourself before I blast you to hell and back." The growling voice dropped two octaves.

"I c-can't" You squeaked out. Your legs were frozen, and even if they weren't your injuries would have prevented you from moving.

"Can't? That sounds like bullshit." The voice said, sounding closer. Someone came out from behind a snow covered bush. He instantly made you want to run.

He was a skeleton. A living skeleton. His black eye sockets had crimson lights blazing in them, making the blackness surrounding them even darker. His mouth was crowded with sharp fangs, one of them golden and reflecting the light off the snow. His mouth was turned up into an uneasy smile, but that didn't comfort you in the slightest. His jacket was black, with white fur along the hood and was wearing black short with sneakers.

It struck you that he was very sensible to wear something comfortable like sneakers. His voice cut through your thoughts again.

"What the fuck? You're a…" He swore a few more times under his breath, sweat beading up on his skull. You were taken back at the colorful language spewing from his mouth, but you couldn't feel your fingers anymore, so that took up more of your thoughts at this point.

The skeleton looked around frantically, as if he were afraid of being found. He quickly rushed over to you and yanked you to your feet. His boney hands were scalding hot in comparison to the icy numbness of your arm.

"What are you doing down here?" He growled quietly into your ear. Your teeth had started chattering, so it was hard to respond.

"T-t-tripped." Was all you managed to ground out. The skeleton monster saw your predicament and let go of your arm. He unzipped his jacket and tossed it at you, your frozen fingers unable to work the zipper.

He growled and angrily zipped the jacket, mumbling under his breath the whole time. It struck you that this skeleton monster had a bad temper.

"Damn fuckin humans, screwing with my routes… now I have to report to him… I was hoping to avoid that fuckass…" He grumbled, grabbing hold of the hood of the jacket and using it to drag you across a small wooden bridge.

The next clearing had a small wooden booth and a shattered lamp. You could see a figure looming in the distance, and the closer you got the more the fog cleared to show the figure in more detail. You felt your soul shudder at the sight of the new monster.

He was tall, the first skeleton barely coming to the underside of his breastplate. His shoulder pads ended in dangerous looking spikes, his midriff bare showing off his spine. A grimacing skull buckle rested on his pants, shining brightly. His skull was the most intimidating part of the whole ensemble. Sharp fangs, pointed eyes with glowing red pupils and a large crack covering the left eye.

"H-hey boss. Look what I caught for ya." The short skeleton said in a shaking voice. The taller skeleton glared down at the shorter first before turning his attention to you. You could feel his gaze burning through the jacket right to your soul.

"Why is it wearing your jacket, you imbecile?" He said, his loud voice commanding and terrifying. He crossed his arm, tucking his red gloves under his arms. You saw that his gloves were pointed at the end, most likely for claws. You gulped.

"It was frozen to the ground. A human ain't any good to us if it's dead." The shorter skeleton said with a tight chuckle. The tall skeleton glared back at you, somehow raising an eyebrow at you. He uncrossed his arms and took a step forward. The small skeleton took a small step back.

"I'll take it from here." He said, tightly grabbing your upper arm, causing you to cry out. He started walking away before turning back for a second. "Good job Sans." He said it so softy, you weren't even sure if he did.

The short skeleton, Sans, gulped and stared shaking even harder.

"N-no problem Bro." He replied.

"Do not call me your brother, you pathetic piece of bone. It was a mistake to compliment something like you." The taller skeleton spit at him, a red bone materializing and attacking Sans. He barely dodged in time and scrambled away, not responding.

"W-why did you attack him?" You found the courage to say. The tall skeleton turned his glare back to you. His grip on your arm tightened and you could feel his claws cutting through your skin, through the jacket and your sweater.

"You are not allowed to speak, human. You are to listen, and not make a single sound. You will do what I say." He spat at you, dragging you through the snow. You tried to keep your footing, but you tripped. He didn't slow, and simply dragged you behind him.

The tall skeleton dragged you to a small town. All the buildings were boarded up, but you could see light filtering from the cracks of the boards. There was faint whispering as you were dragged, but you never actually saw another living thing.

He pulled you to your feet in time to throw you into a cage in what looked to be a shed next to the only house in the town that wasn't boarded up and falling apart. Locking the cage, the tall skeleton glanced back at you and almost smiled.

"Nyeh heh heh." He laughed cruelly. "Now, I have a bartering chip against that pansy ass king. You, stay put and don't make a single sound." His eyes glowed blood red and you felt something wrap around your throat. " _Or else."_

He left you with that threat, cold, hungry and scared.

* * *

The next morning – you knew it was morning because there was light coming through the crack under the door- you wished you were dead, or at least sleeping to avoid the pain of the cold. Overnight the water in your hair had frozen, leaving your head a heavy mass of frost. You stopped shivering a few hours ago.

You knew that was really bad for your health, but you were starting to think that maybe getting so cold you fell asleep and never wake up might be better than whatever these damn skeletons had planned for you.

The door opened, but you couldn't find it in you to raise your head to check who it was. You felt hot hands touching your cheek, and you managed to flinch a little. It was like pure fire was touching our skin.

You heard swearing from above you, but you weren't able to connect the voice with a face. Warm arms picked you up and suddenly it was like you disappeared. Everything went numb, and suddenly you were warm.

Too warm, actually. You felt the front in your hair melting quickly, soaking your sweater and making you damp. The heat of wherever you were made sweat bead up on your face. The hands were fluttering on your cheek, your forehead, your shoulders.

"Oh fuck… shit! Boss'll kill me if you die…" The voice said. You were warming up enough to think a little bit clearer.

"S-sans?" You croaked, wincing at the pain in your throat. He sucked in a breath and crouched in front of you again.

"Oh fuck… at least you can still talk. Here, you gotta eat this." Something warm was shoved into your hands. Focusing your eyes, you saw an iced bun. A shaking hand lifted your hand to your mouth, prompting you to take a bite.

Instantly, all your aches and pains were gone. Your fingers were no longer stinging, your nose warm and your breathing easier. Sans handed you a towel to wipe off the icing as he checked the door again. He seemed really scared of something

"T-thank you." You said, the words not hurting as you thought they would.

"Don't thank me yet kid. You're in a world of trouble…" He started sweating and checked again. "Boss'll be back soon… I gotta come up with some excuse…" He started shaking, making you feel like reaching out and giving him a hug.

"It'll be okay." You said, trying to console him, even a little.

"N-no it won't. Boss is a raging lunatic. He's violent and vicious. He'd kill his own f-father…" his skull whitened even more.

"You got this." You encouraged him. You could tell you were starting to get through to the short skeleton. It filled you with determination. "I believe in you!"

"You b-believe in… me?" He seemed horrified at the thought. His shaking increased and you could hear his bones rattling. "N-nooooo… no I'm worthless. I'm pathetic… I'm a lazy piece of shit… I always have been and I always will be." He sounded so small, so beaten. You felt your chest swell with the need to destroy whatever hurt him.

"Don't say that." You whispered, horrified he could think that of himself. "You're not worthless or pathetic. You're amazing Sans." You smiled warmly. You felt a twinge, knowing you were over exaggerating a little bit.

"A-amazing?" He looked up at you, eye sockets wide and scared. Just as you were about to say it again, there was a slam from downstairs. Sans let a single horrified yelp escape before he shoved you on the bed. "Don't make a fuckin sound." He commanded before suddenly disappearing completely from the room.

In your shock, you finally looked around. It was obviously a bedroom, but it didn't look that lived in. A simple bed, dresser and lamp. No decorations, no pictures or clothing lying about or any sign that someone had been in here in years.

You heard voices from downstairs and felt fear grip at your soul. The voices got louder, and something crashed. Footsteps – more like stomping – come up the stairs. You realized you had mere seconds to hide, to move, to do something. All you managed to do was throw yourself behind the bed and cover your eyes.

You were almost completely sure your head was sticking over the edge, but even being slightly hidden made you feel safer. The door to the room slammed open, crashing into the wall. It sounded like the knob hit the wall so hard it made a hole.

" ** _Where is it?"_** A menacing voice growled. You felt your mouth dry up almost instantly. A moment of silence passed before something roughly grabbed your hair and yanked you up. It was the tall skeleton, his eyes glowing red and casting an eerie light on everything. **_"You thought you could hide from the Terrible Papyrus? You pathetic scum…"_** He growled at you, throwing you towards the door. You slammed into something, stopping you from flying out the door.

Sans stood by the door with what looked like a bruise on his cheekbone. You weren't sure how a skeleton could bruise, but you guessed a magical skeleton monster could be different. His eyes held none of the vulnerability they did mere minutes ago. Instead, his eyes were as cold and hateful as the tall skeleton's, as Papyrus'.

You noticed his one hand was shoved in the pocket of his jacket, but the other hung listlessly at his side. You thought the fingers looked twisted, but you couldn't be sure at that angle. Papyrus grabbed you by the collar of your sweater again and pulled you up to his face.

"My good for nothing brother told me you were dying… I see his pathetic ass was lying, yet again. He shall be punished, no doubt about that." He growled out, not looking behind him. You could see Sans flinch violently.

"N-no! He was right! I was freezing and I couldn't breathe and my hair was frozen and-" You rambled on, hoping that maybe you could save Sans from whatever Papyrus was going to do to him. Papyrus pulled back a little, eyes narrowing.

"You are lucky, Sans. It seems your story checks out. Though, I am quite livid that you decided to go behind my back and move the human." He whipped his head around to glare at Sans, who coward under his gaze.

"L-leave him alone!" You found the strength in your voice again. He froze and slowly turned his head to you again.

"What did you say?" He asked, each word filled with anger. You shrunk back a little, but refused to back down.

"I said, leave him alone! He saved me. Don't be so mean to him!" You were all fired up. He stared at you for a moment before cackling loudly.

"It has been a while since anyone has had the guts to stand up to me. That takes real moxie." Papyrus turned to Sans and threw you at him. "Care for this. It is our biggest bargaining chip against that shit 'king' of ours. If anything happens to it, **_you're dead."_** He growled out the threat and left the room with a flourish, his red cape fluttering behind him.

Sans stood there, silent, as Papyrus left the room. He stayed silent as the door slammed. You went over to him and placed a hand on his arm, making him flinch and finally look at you. The hardness in his eyes faded as soon as they met with yours. He let out a shuttering breath and placed a shuddering hand to his forehead.

"O-oh my god…" He moved to the bed and sat down, covering his face with both hands. "Oh my goooood…." He moaned.

"Are you alright Sans?" You asked, worried about him.

"He just… left." He mumbled into his hands. "Boss said he was gonna teach me a lesson, but he just… left. You got him to leave." His head shot up, looking at you with a mix of confusion and awe. "He's never gone back on a threat before."

"I can't believe he said those things to you." You said angrily. Sans glanced at you again, uneasy.

"He has every right. I'm just a fuck up. He's the one who keeps those shit heads away from us… Besides… It's all my fault he's like this in the first place." His voice dropped down to a whisper, and you felt your heart go out to the monster.

"What do you mean?" You asked, moving to sit next to him on the bed. You wanted to help him as best as you could.

"It may not seem it, but I'm the older brother. I raised him from a fuckin baby bones. One day, I just… lost my temper. I'd had a long day, ya know? The littlest thing could've made me snap. Unfortunately, what tipped me over that metaphorical line was Pap. I don't even remember what he did." Sans said, running a hand over his forehead. "But whatever it was… I just snapped. I fuckin snapped. Threw the kid against a rock. A fuckin _rock._ It cracked his skull and made him hate me…" A few red tears trickled from his eyes.

You wrapped an arm around his shoulder, trying to comfort him. He flinched away a little, but let you hold him as he continued his story.

"Soon after that he started training for that damned royal guard. He was told he would never make it in because he was too soft, so instead of looking for a new profession, he decided to toughen himself up. I found him going around, killing froggits to get stronger. When I tried to yell at him for it, he threw me against the wall. He showed me who's the alpha." He chuckled sadly. "He sure made it in to the guard after that. He got stronger and stronger and stronger. He became my boss, and he took charge. I tried pulling the big brother card maybe twice. Both times he slammed me around so much I couldn't move, then he made me go to work anyway."

"He sounds awful." You finally said, feeling hatred for Papyrus grow.

"It's my fault he's like this. Now I gotta pay the ultimate price. I want him to succeed, of course I do. But at the same time, what kind of brother is _afraid_ of his sibling?" he asked, almost rhetorically. You didn't have an answer, so you just rubbed his arm in a comforting manner.

You realized his hand was will messed up. With a silent question, you take his mangled hand in your own and gently – or as gently as one could – put the bones back into place. He flinched at a few of the louder cracks, but overall stayed quiet. Sans brought his hand up and wiggle his fingers, almost in shock that it didn't hurt.

"Thanks…" He muttered and leaned against you slightly. You just smiled and rested your head on his shoulder. After a second, he started crying a little again. Not heavy sobs, like before. Rather, slight hiccups and thin trails of tears silently streaming down his skull.

The two of you stayed like that for a while, you comforting Sans, and Sans crying gently, muttering things like "all my fault" and "I deserve it" under his breath.

* * *

The next morning, you were alone. Sans must have snuck away after you fell asleep. You rubbed your eyes sleepily, cringing at your stomach gurgling. It had been almost two days since you ate anything. You stood and crept over to the door, creaking it open an inch.

You listened, hoping to hear silence. Instead of silence, you heard a faint snoring coming from down stairs. It was a deep snoring, and you seriously doubted that Papyrus' shrill, threatening voice could change into such a deep snore.

Creeping down the stairs, you saw you were right. Sans was sitting on the couch, head lolling to one side. A thin trail of reddish drool dripping from his fanged mouth. You thought he looked so young when he was asleep. You realized that the bruise on his cheek was completely gone. It should surprise you, but you guessed in a world of magic, making a simple bruise heal was no big deal. Especially to a magical skeleton.

Just as you were about to wake him, Sans jumped, the lights in his eyes lighting up bright. He lifted a hand and surrounded you with a red aura, lifting you off the ground.

"S-sans?" You yelped. Your voice made Sans snap to attention and drop you not so gently onto the ground. You landed flat on your butt with an _oomph_.

"Oh, um… sorry kid." He said a little shakily. "Nothing good ever comes after being woken up, in my experience." He held out a hand to help you up, which you were grateful for. You could tell he was letting down his walls, at least a little.

"Do you want some breakfast?" You asked, hoping to put the short skeleton at ease, at least a little bit. He hesitated before nodding and following you into the kitchen. You made a simple breakfast, mostly because there was barely any food in the fridge.

While you scarfed your food down, Sans just picked at his plate, not really eating anything. You didn't mention his lack of appetite, which he seemed grateful for. You took his plate after a long, silent meal and turned to placed it on the counter.

When you turned back around, you saw that Sans was fast asleep again, snoring gently with his head resting on the table. You thought that it was odd, that he would just fall asleep like that. Before you could wake him, however, Sans jumped awake, flailing his arms around.

"Are you okay?" You asked, concerned for your… you hesitated to call him your friend at the time.

"Y-yeah…" He said with a sideways grin, the sweat beading up on his forehead.

"What's wrong?" You said softly, hoping to get him to open up.

"I… Pap- Boss doesn't believe me when I say I can't help it, but I really can't help it." He said standing from the table and moved to the couch again. You followed after him and sat next to him, placing a reassuring hand on his arm. "I just… fall asleep! I don't want to, but I can't help it. I just fall asleep sometimes. And when Boss finds me sleeping at my post he gets real mad."

"Sounds like narcolepsy. You're right, you can't help it. You're not doing that on purpose to upset Papyrus." You tried to console him. Sans just chuckled sadly and shook his head.

"If fuckin only… but nah. Boss likes to take his anger out on me and finding me asleep is his favorite pastime. He just loves beating the shit out of me." Another chuckle, this one more bitter than the last.

"Sans, do you understand that your brother shouldn't beat you?" You asked, afraid that he honestly thought he deserved this kind of treatment.

"Of course. It's my fault he cracked his skull. He's just keeping us safe… besides, I'm the one who always disappoints him. I'm such a disappointment. I'm the failure. I'm pathetic… worthless, worthless Sans." He started scratching at his arm during his little tirade. He curled in on himself, as if trying to make himself seem smaller… as if he was preparing himself to be hit. The thought that Sans was so used to this behavior made your blood boil.

"No." You said with more authority than you ever had before. He looked at you, shocked at the strength in your voice. "You're none of those things. You have to believe me. You're brother has been beating you up and destroying you mentally. He has been abusing you for who know how long, and you're just letting him!" You ranted, wanting nothing more than to help him. He just looked at you with wide, vulnerable eyes.

"Hehe if only kid… nah I know what I am. I know what I deserve…" He trailed off sadly. You were about two seconds away from ripping Papyrus' head off next time you saw him.

"He's wrong Sans." You tried again, practically pleading. He just waved you off and the red lights in his eyes dimmed. Just as you were about to say something again, he fell asleep again, his head drooping forward onto his chest.

His faint snoring followed you out the door as you snuck away. You didn't care what was going to happen to you, you just had to make sure Sans was never hurt again. Part of you knew it was strange to care so much about a captor, but you _knew_ he was in so much pain. No one deserves that kind of life, not even a skeleton monster.

* * *

You found yourself in the middle of pool, the warm water actually pretty soothing on your tired feet. In the maybe three hours since you snuck away from Sans, you had been attacked close to a dozen times, and it took maybe half a dozen to realize that you could reason with them.

It was disorienting to die, that's for certain. You had to sit for a good fifteen minutes before the cave stopped spinning enough to move on. You were about to turn the corner when you felt a cold breeze. Sneaking forward, you realized you had somehow doubled back to the area between the snow town and the waterfall section.

Shivering, you tried to hide again, not wanting to draw any attention to yourself. As you were about to duck behind a rock, you heard a shout.

" ** _Sans you fuckin piece of good for nothing trash."_** The voice screamed. You felt ice run down your spine. You knew that voice. You heard a second voice respond, but couldn't make out what it was saying. The first voice spoke again.

" ** _You had one fucking job, but no… Your lazy ass fell asleep and let it escape! The king was supposed to come tomorrow for the negotiations. Now…_** ** _you're_** ** _going to be the one to explain to him why where_** ** _is no human."_**

You ran towards the voices, knowing in the pit of your stomach something was about to go horribly wrong. Sans and Papyrus were standing in a clearing just outside of the town, the taller skeleton towering over the shorter, who was visably trembling. You could hear what Sans was saying at this distance.

"I-I didn't m-mean to-" He was saying, barely able to speak. "I… I j-just, I couldn't h-help it B-boss. I can't help f-falling asleep-" Sans was cut off by Papyrus backhanding him violently, causing him to fly into a nearby snow poff.

"Enough of your bullshit. I knew I should have fed you to the dog guards years ago…" Papyrus growled, his red magic flaring and curling over his skull. He raised his hand threateningly, his magic wrapping around his clawed fingers.

Just as he was about to strike Sans again, you threw yourself between the brothers. Suddenly, the entire side of your face was on fire. Literally. Papyrus' red fire that was aimed for Sans and was instead covering your cheek.

It took a few seconds for Papyrus to realize what had happened, and in that time you had sustained some very painful burns. His magic fire disappeared with a snap of his fingers. In an instant, a pair of arms were around you

"What the actual, ever-loving fuck did you do that for?" Sans asked. Through the ringing in your ears, you thought you heard tears in his voice.

"I couldn't let him hurt you." You managed to say, the movement of your jaw cracking the burnt skin on your cheek. Without meaning to, a few tears spilled down your face.

"Shit! I cannot be the one responsible for damaging the goods." Papyrus said angrily, pacing in the snow.

"Here kid. You gotta eat some of this." Sans pulled out a piece of candy from his jacket pocket. It was old, and a little fuzzy, but it tasted non-licoricely, and honestly wasn't too bad. Immediately, you felt the pain in your cheek lessen. It was still there, but it was no longer beyond excruciating.

"This is all your fault, you worthless bag of bones." Papyrus growled out. Sans flinched but didn't turn to face his brother. "If you had just done your goddamned job, like you were supposed to, it wouldn't have gotten injured."

"Stop callin 'em "it". They ain't a thing, ya freak. They're a person." Sans growled back. Both you and Papyrus froze, you out of fear and Papyrus out of shock.

"I'm sorry… _what_ did you say?" The taller skeleton said, his tone a threat in itself.

"I said…" Sans stood and turned to face his brother. "Stop being such an ass, _boss."_

The skeletons stared each other down, Papyrus staring at Sans with side eye sockets; Sans staring at Papyrus with a hard expression and trembling fists at his side. The silence was broken by a deep chuckle.

"Took you long enough." Was all Papyrus said. Sans visibly fell back, his face dropping all emotion. Papyrus just crossed his arms.

"What the fuck-?" Sans managed to say.

"You always were spineless, brother. Never standing up for yourself. Letting everyone walk all over you. Pathetic." Papyrus said, looking bored at the conversation already.

"Why are you doing this?" You explained, holding some snow to your cheek. Papyrus turned his red eye to you, almost as if he had forgotten you were there.

"Doing what, human?" He asked, sounding like a parent talking to a small child. He really pissed you off.

"Treat Sans like shit all the time?" You asked, feeling your anger bubbling over. Somehow, Papyrus raised an eyebrow at you.

"I don't think you quite understand the situation, human. In this world, it's kill or be killed. Someone like my brother would be taken out in an instant." He said so in a factual manner, as if he was talking about the weather.

"Pap…" Sans practically whispered, his words almost lost completely in the wind.

"Do not speak to me Sans." Papyrus snapped, but he seemed almost uncomfortable. "I did what I had to do. You cannot dwell on past mistakes."

"What the _fuck Papyrus?"_ Sans screamed, his voice carrying in the wind. His magic started going crazy, crackling out of his eye socket and over his head. "I know I messed up. I get it. But you… you did this for how many years? You treated me like shit got how many years? And I put up with it?"

"Sans calm the fuck down. You are too stupid to understand why I did what I did." His brother spat at him. Sans flinched away out of habit but didn't move back.

"Then go ahead, Papyrus. Explain it to me." Sans said. You were proud of him to standing up for himself, but you were afraid for his bodily health.

"Down here, any bit of kindness, of weakness, is destroyed. When we were children, it was not so rough, but times have changed. After joining the Royal Guard, the threat grew exponentially. I had to make sure no one targeted us. Particularly you. You were good to me as a child, and that would have been a big, glowing target for those monsters out there. I needed to train you, make you stronger so you would survive until I found the bargaining chip."

"Hehe, this really shouldn't come as a surprise… I always knew you thought I was weak." Sans had ducked his head down. His shoulders were shaking. "But I'm not. I never was, bro. You beat me up and destroyed me mentally to make me stronger, but _I was never weak._ "

A large monster appeared in the air, above Sans' shoulder. It looked almost like a giant dog skull, with fangs erupting from its mouth and spines sticking out behind it. Its eyes were blood red, just like its owner.

Sans was nothing like the skeleton that had cried on your shoulder the night before. He was feral, his fangs glistening and his eyes burning. The thing by his head shot a beam of magic right at Papyrus, who barely jumped out of the way in time to avoid being incinerated.

"Sans, what the fuck are you doing?" Papyrus screamed angrily. "You almost killed me, you pathetic waste of space!"

"Waste of space my ass!" Sans screamed back, firing again. You watched in horror as the brothers fought. You wanted to help, to stop this, to do something, but you were frozen in place. Literally. There was a red glow surrounding your legs, keeping you from being able to move even an inch.

"I knew I could never explain this to you. You could never comprehend the reasoning behind my plan." Papyrus said as he dodged another blast. He threw a magic bone at Sans, or rather at the thing that was firing at him. You realized that Papyrus wasn't aiming for Sans at all. He was just trying to hit the skull monster.

"Sans stop!" You screamed as loud as you could. The effort caused the burnt skin on your cheek to pull and rip, but you didn't care. You needed to stop this. Sans heard you, dropping his guard for half a second to glance over at you.

That half second was all Papyrus needed. He threw a bone right at the bone monster, hitting it right in the middle of the forehead. The bone monster looked momentarily surprised before shattering into shards and disappearing.

"You sick bastard-" Sans screamed and went to throw himself at Papyrus. Thankfully, he was also wrapped in a dark red glow, causing him to crash into the snow. He began wriggling and cursing, but he was as stuck as you.

As soon as he hit the ground, the force holding you down disappeared. You jumped to your feet and rushed to Sans, who was starting to slow his wriggling.

"Sans are you alright?" You asked, crouching in the snow next to hm. He just glared up at you, but his face softened at the concern you were showing.

"…'m fine…" He mumbled, looking away from you.

"Sans…" Papyrus said softly, or as softly as he could. Sans begrudgingly looked up at his brother, his glare coming back. "I am… sorry. I was never very good at… being in charge of you in particular." Papyrus seemed very uncomfortable.

"No fuckin shit." Sans spat out. Papyrus actually flinched a little.

"Sans, hush. Let him talk." You said, placing a gently hand on his forehead. The small skeleton quieted under your touch.

"I realize I should never have pushed you quite so hard, but it was necessary. You must understand that. Do you remember the day of my swearing into the guard?" Papyrus asked, looking his brother in the eye.

* * *

 _Sans sat on the couch, waiting to hear back from his brother. He was terrified, because Papyrus would either get in, or get executed. That was the stipulation for applying. If you weren't up to standards, you were taken out of the gene pool._

 _The front door quietly creaked open. Sans jumped to his feet and spun towards the door, hoping to see his brother, not a member of the guard carrying a ceremonial urn._

 _But there was no one there. The door was still open a crack, but Sans couldn't see anyone. He poked his head out the door and looked around, but didn't see any footprints in the snow. He assumed it was the wind and shut the door again._

 _"Damnit Papyrus. You better fuckin come home…" Sans muttered and went into the kitchen. He started making something to eat, knowing he probably wasn't going to eat much of it. There was a sound behind him, but he just ignored it. The house was known for its creaking and moaning, especially in a storm. He turned around to put something back in the fridge when something in the corner of his eye caught his attention._

" _Sans!" Papyrus screamed from the living room. Suddenly, a bone was sticking out of the wall, dust gathering on the kitchen tiles. Sans turned a fraction to the bone, but was too relieved to see his brother alive and well. He rushed to Papyrus, letting the shadow leave his mind._

* * *

"He was trying to assassinate you, when your guard was down. Because everyone knew you were too soft." Papyrus said, his tone grave.

"What…" Sans was shocked. He had managed to get to his feet, only to double over as if he was punched in the stomach.

"See, I knew you wouldn't be able to understand. What, did you honestly think I enjoyed doing that all these years? Did you never realize it was I that healed you in the night… so you wouldn't be in so much pain…?" Papyrus trailed off almost uncertainly. "Do you really think so little of me?" he asked, him flippant attitude back. Sans pulled his head back a fraction.

"Well, yeah!" He said. It was Papyrus' turn to look shocked.

"Are you really as stupid as everyone believes you to be?"

"Are you that much of an abusive asshole?" Sans asked with the same condescending tone.  
Don't you two see?" You said, trying to get them to stop fighting. "All this happened because you never talked to each other. Sans just proved he was strong, so why do you keep hurting him?" You asked Papyrus, tears in your eyes.

"I…." Papyrus was, for the first time, speechless. Even Sans seemed surprised at his brother's tongue tied-ness. Papyrus growled and threw his arms in the air. "I am done with you fuckers!" He said before stalking away. You and Sans watched Papyrus as he walked away, both a little numb. Eventually, Sans dropped to his knees and started shaking again.

"Holy fuck…. That was the scariest thing I've ever done… holy shit…" He was muttering. You went over to him and placed a hand on his shoulder. "I honestly thought he was going to kill me. I never knew about the assassin… He saved me…" His shaking lessened as he stood.

"Maybe there's still hope." You said, hoping to convince him maybe it was true.

"Maybe." He repeated, staring after his brother. You took his hand and pulled him towards the town. He followed behind like a tired child following a parent's guidance.

* * *

It was late, that was all you could tell. After you had taken Sans back to the house, the two of you crashed on the couch. There was a soft light coming in from the window, and under any other circumstances you would have said it was the moon.

What woke you were low voices coming from the kitchen. The light wasn't on, but there was a soft glow coming from the door frame. You inched off the couch to the doorframe to try to listen to the conversation.

"I will… try harder from now on. We are a team as of now." That was Papyrus. You would recognize that terribly frightening voice anywhere.

"A team, huh?" That was Sans, sounding equal parts dubious and hopeful.

"Look, I understand I was unfair to you, but you have proven yourself this afternoon. If we work together, we are sure to be able to overthrow the king. We won't have to worry about-" He cut off abruptly, the glow all but disappearing - leaving you in almost pitch blackness.

Suddenly, a glowing bone was pinning you to the wall by your shirt. A surprised yelp was all the managed to slip past your lips before the room lit up. Papyrus was standing a few feet from you, hand outstretched. Sans was over by the light switch, hand still on the flicker.

"Human?" Papyrus' non-cracked eye widen in shock. If your shoulder wasn't throbbing, you would have laughed at his expression.

"S-sorry…" You said, sorry for being caught. Not sorry for getting them to talk out their issues.

"No, I am the one that is… sorry." Papyrus seemed uncomfortable apologizing, but he glanced at Sans, who gave him a discrete thumbs up. The shorter skeleton came over and rested an elbow on your head.

"We should be thanking you kid. Would ya believe it? The fuckin human was right!" He chuckled deeply. "And better yet, we don't hafta use you as bait anymore. Ain't that great?"

You felt your face whiten a little at the thought of being bait, but neither monster seemed to notice. Or, they noticed, but didn't seem to care.

You watched Sans and Papyrus interact. Papyrus still seemed reluctant to speak directly to Sans, or touch him, and Sans seemed nervous, and still flinched a little when Papyrus moved too fast, but it was a start. A start of what they should have been from the beginning.

Brothers.

* * *

 **I really feel like I'm a broken record with these ANs. First thing, I'm sorry for such a long gap. Almost two weeks is really unacceptable, but with school work out of the way for now, I should have a little more time.**

 **Secondly, I don't know how good this actually is. I know it doesn't follow the usual format, but I really wanted to show this aspect of the AU. Everyone romanticizes Sans and Pap's relationship, but honestly I don't see it as anything but abusive in 90% of the things I see about it. I still love the AU though, as you may have gathered from Afterthought. I just love New Yorker Sans I guess. Whaddya gonna do about it, huh?**

 **As for suggestions, if you could send in ones that are AU specific, that would be very helpful. I have about one idea for each AU, but I could always use more fuel for my AU addiction.**

 **On a more serious note, EVERYONE PLEASE READ THIS! I'm not going to use any names, but about two days ago I got a message. One of our fellow readers was going to kill themselves that night. That message was supposed to be a final farewell. It scared the hell out of me, and I honestly thought I was going to be too late. I honestly thought that this was going to be an 'in loving memory' message.**

 **Thankfully, it's not. We talked, and they said they would hold off, which isn't ideal but it's much better than losing a friend.**

 **If anyone is feeling like they can't handle like, that they can't go one even one more day, just know that you're loved. You have pets and friends and family members that love you and care about you and would be devastated without you. If you ever need to talk, please talk to me. I know it can be scary to talk to a stranger, but I promise I would never judge you.**

 **Holding in these kinds of feelings are literally the worst thing you can do. They'll breed and ferment and bubble over until you pop. Please, find help before that popping zone.**

 **Stay DETERMINED everyone!**

 **Imma end this here. I have more to say, but it wouldn't work well after this.**

 **Until next time!  
~Starlight **


	36. Who Cares About Me? - self-deprecation

**Warnings- mentions of depression, self deprecation and past suicidal thoughts**

* * *

"Brother!" Papyrus called for Sans, who was relaxing on the couch. The tall skeleton rushed into the living room holding a sketchbook and some pencils. "The human took me to this wonderful place called an 'art store'! We picked out new paints for the queen and some clay for the human, and they bought me this book of sketching!"

"That's pretty cool bro. Whacha gonna draw first?" Sans asked lazily. Papyrus bounced over to his brother and opened to the first page.

"I am going to draw you brother!" Papyrus said excitedly, throwing himself on the couch next to Sans. The older brother looked up at the younger with an uneasy smile.

"Um, alright Paps. Go for it." He went back to watching TV, glancing at Paps out of the corner of his eye.

It took him a better part of an hour, but eventually Papyrus excitedly threw his pencil at the wall, causing it to stick point first in the wallpaper. Sans stared at the wall in faint horror as Papyrus hummed in extreme excitement, waiting for his brother to look at his sketch.

It was actually really good, in Sans' opinion. It was a sketch of his watching TV, his profile and upper body. He had a faint smile on his skull and the lights in his eyes looked unfocused. It was amazing for a first time sketch. It was amazing for a skilled artist actually.

"Damn Pap, that's amazing." Sans said, standing and stretching. "Better than the real thing." He said flippantly and chuckled deeply before going into the kitchen. His brother paused before following him into the other room.

"Brother, why do you do that?" He asked quietly. Sans paused as he reached into the fridge. He glanced back at his brother, confused.

"Whacha mean Paps?" He asked lightly.

"You always put yourself down like that. It's quite concerning actually." Papyrus replied, glancing to the side.

"I dunno what you're talking about bro." He said, closing the fridge and heading past his brother.

"Sans…" Papyrus said sadly, but left it. Papyrus left the kitchen, leaving the sketchbook on the table. Sans glanced at it for half a second before teleporting away to the only place he really felt he was never judged.

* * *

"Sans, you really should watch how much you drink." Grillby said to his friend. Sans was sitting in his usual bar stool, drinking his third bottle.

"Eh, it's fine. Nothing can mess me up any more than I am when I'm sober anyway." Sans said with a sloppy grin. Grillby just looked at him with a sad expression but stayed silent. Sans glanced away, almost guiltily, before finishing his bottle and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

"You worry too much Grillbz." Sans finally said, after a long silence.

"Maybe I don't worry enough…" The fire monster said, more to himself than to the skeleton, who was starting to doze off at the bar. With a light sigh, Grillby went to the phone on the wall and dialed one of the few numbers he memorized.

"Hello! Who is calling the Great Papyrus?" The chipper voice said.

"Hello Papyrus. It's me. Sans is… well, Sans is Sans on every Friday evening." Grillby said with a hushed tone, so as not to alert the skeleton in question. Papyrus sighed on the other line and spoke much more quietly.

"I will be there momentarily. Thank you for watching over my brother Grillby." The line went dead and he hung up the receiver. Turning back to Sans, Grillby saw his favorite customer resting his head in his arms, snoring lightly.

Grillby shook his head slightly and moved to clean up the bottles piling up around the small skeleton. Sans gave a little sob in his sleep, and Grillby felt his soul crack at the sound. All he wants to do is care for his friend, but Sans just keep pushing everyone away.

The front door opened, letting a cold gust of wind into the restaurant. Papyrus pushed the door open and walked in, his shoulders pulled up as if trying to make himself look smaller. He walked right up to the bar without looking at any of the other patrons.

"Brother? Come along, it is late." Papyrus shook Sans' shoulder, but the smaller just grunted and buried his face in his arms more. Papyrus sighed again and lifted him like a parent would a sleeping child. He turned to Grillby and gave him a sad smile. "Thank you Grillby. I will be back some time tomorrow to cover my brother's bill."

"Papyrus… don't worry about it this time." Grillby said, eyebrows scrunched. Papyrus was always so good about paying for Sans when he passed out like this. When he comes in for lunch, Sans pays up nine out of ten times. But when he's passed out, he can't really pay.

"… thank you again Grillby. I don't know what kind of trouble my brother would get into without you." Papyrus said sadly before walking out into the storm.

* * *

You were standing outside of Undyne's house, getting ready for an extreme game of monster hunt. You had explained the games man hunt and cops-and-robbers, and Undyne was more than willing to adapt it for your friends. By adapt, you meant she morphed the two together and changed the name. Now, practically everyone was gathered in front of the fish shaped house – recently renovated and repainted.

"Alright punks! This is a human game, reinvented and reworked by yours truly to be the most epic, most intense game in the whole Underground. Now, the kid and I are going to be the team captains, so you better listen up cuz I ain't repeating my choices. Now, because the human came up with the original, lame version of the game, they can pick first." Undyne addressed the small crowd. She gestured at you to step forward.

You scan the crowed, thinking about who would be the best to be on your team. Papyrus is energetic – good for chasing – but very noticeable. Doggo was good at finding people – but probably wouldn't be the best at hiding himself. You saw someone at the edge of the crowed.

Sans would be perfect. Quiet, small, can appear behind someone before they run away. Perfect. You smile and point.

"I want Sans on my team." You said, still smiling. Sans seemed beyond shocked that you picked him, which made you realize maybe – just maybe – something could be wrong. He tried to duck out of the crowed, but he was pushed to the front.

"Hey kid. I, um, don't know why you'd want a bag of bones like me." He rubbed the back of his head. "I'll just weigh ya down."

"Because you're my friend and I know you'll be good at it?" You replied, a little sarcastically.

"Ehhh…" He said, wiggling his hand side to side but went to stand behind you. You shot him a strange look but didn't say anything.

Undyne went and picked the first person on her team – Alphys, no surprise there. The game went as you expected. It was fun, but a total mess. Most of the players didn't quite understand the rules, so there was a lot of down time where you had to explain and clear up the confusion.

In the end, you gave up before either team reached five wins. You and Undyne shook hands in front of the teams and you went your separate ways. As everyone left, you caught up to Sans.

"Hey there bone boy." You said, snagging his jacket sleeve.

"Sup kid? Have fun?" He asked, grinning lazily.

"Yeah, actually. I thought it was going to be a lot harder with everyone playing." You said with a smile and laugh. Sans chuckled back and kept walking.

"You know those guys. You tell them they can't do something, so they try even harder to do it." He said, shoving his hands in his pockets as he approached Snowdin.

"Sans…" You started, unsure what to say. "Are you okay?"

Sans stopped walking abruptly, and you bumped into his back at the sudden stop. He turned and looked at you warily but didn't drop his grin.

"Of course I'm okay kid. Why wouldn't I be?" He asked, his grin tightening. You frowned and looked at him with concern.

"Sans-"

"Look, I really am okay kid. You gotta trust me." Sans said, cutting you off. You just frown more, but let the topic drop.

* * *

"Sans…" You said, waking the skeleton up. He was napping in his room, but you could see the faint damp splotches on his pillow. You felt the slight guilt in your chest ease at the sight. This was for his own good, you told yourself.

"What's up kiddo?" Sans asked sleepily, rubbing an eye socket with the back of his hand.

"I need you to come downstairs. There's something I want you to see." You said, your tone somber and serious. He furrowed his eyebrow bones at your voice and swung his legs over the edge of the bed.

"A-alright kid… No need to sound like someone just got killed." He stood and stretched, his back cracking several times. You nodded once and led him downstairs. You could see his confusion and apprehension grow as he saw what was waiting down the stairs, or rather _who_ was waiting for him in the living room.

Most of your group was there, along with some other monsters. Undyne and Alphys, Toriel and Asgore, Papyrus, Mettaton, Grillby and a few of the bar patrons. His confusion was only out spoken by the concern radiating off of every monster crowded in the small house.

"H-hey guys? What, um, are you all doing here?" Sans asked, starting to sweat a little. No one knew what to say, so they all glanced at each other until someone spoke up.

"We- we are worried for you, dear." Toriel was the first to speak. Sans chuckled awkwardly and moved to the kitchen, which was hard seeing how you could barely more a foot before bumping into someone.

"Why would you be worried about a pathetic sack of bones like me?" Sans said it as a joke, but the tension in the air somehow grew even thicker.

"Brother, we are concerned about some of the things you say… like what you just said…" Papyrus said. It was obvious it hurt him to talk about his brother like this.

"I don't say anything bad bro. You're getting worked up over nothin'…" Sans said, clearly getting nervous.

"We're all worried about you Sansy. You haven't been yourself in a long time." You said, trying to get through to him. He inhaled sharply and turned to you.

"You don't know me! You don't know whether or not I have or haven't been acting like myself!" He snapped before he could stop and realize what he was doing. His skull whitened as he took in your shocked and slightly betrayed face. He took a step back, bumping right into Papyrus' chest. Sans spun around, looking more and more like a scared animal trapped in a cage. "I-I-I didn't mean to snap at the kid! I swear…"

"Sans, we believe you." You said, laying a calm hand on his arm. He turned to you and his shaking calmed a little. "Please, just talk to us. We're here for you."

"There's nothing to talk about…" He said gruffly, visibly closing in on himself.

"How about you talk about why you always diss yourself?" Undyne suggested, her tone strangely calm.

"I don't 'diss' myself. I just… tell the truth?" His voice went up at the end, as if he was unsure of what his was saying.

"You r-really think t-those things about y-y-yourself?" Alphys asked, shocked.

"Yeah?" Sans replied, sounding even more unsure of himself. He was glancing around nervously, the lights in his eye sockets darting around the room without actually looking anyone in the eye. Everyone shifted a little.

"Sans, do you realize how much you mean to us?" Asgore asked, his deep voice rumbling through the room.

"I mean… I guess I'm there, right?" Sans said, his words sounding forced.

"You're more than just there. You've been there for everyone, whenever they needed you." You said, putting as much love and support as possible behind the words.

"You were my first customer." Grillby said, his crackling flames keeping the room slightly above a comfortable temperature. "And you've been my best friend for longer than either of us would like to admit. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have my restaurant in the first place. "

"Oh Grillbz… I didn't do anything special. I just gave you some encouragement. That's nothing to gush about…" Sans said, almost as if he was pouting. The idea of Sans pouting made you smile a little before urging the next person to speak.

"Back before my child convinced me to open the Ruin doors, I was so very lonely." Toriel started. Asgore made a sound of distress, but she pointedly ignored him. "When you started talking to me, I was absolutely thrilled. Not only were your puns funny, but you made me feel that… maybe there was something about this old lady that was still likable."

"Tori… you shouldn't say those things about yourself. Everyone knows how amazing you are. Your pies and your jokes and everything you do for the kid." Sans was quick to jump to her defense, but when he saw the raised eyebrow pointed in his direction, he looked down at his slippers, blushing a little.

"Brother, you have always been here for me. Me and everyone here. You raised me into the amazing skeleton I am today! Remember the day I came home after being picked on?" Papyrus asked. Sans nodded mutely. "I felt so poorly, I wasn't sure what to do. You gave me advice and guidance. You gave me a purpose and a reason to reach m goal. And for that, I thank you dear brother. All I can ask of you now is to listen to our words."

"Y-yeah Sans. A-after you s-s-stopped working in the l-labs, I got r-real scared cuz… ya know." Alphys trailed off, but Sans nodded as if he knew what she was going to say. You kind of wished she would elaborated, because you knew you weren't the only one left in the dark about this. Undyne placed a hand on her girlfriend's shoulder and gave it a soft squeeze. "W-w-without you a-and, um, your c-calls… I dunno if I w-would still b-b-be here… anymore."

You sucked in a breath, realizing what she meant. You knew Sans was important to you at least, and you knew he was important to many. You never knew he saved Alphys' life. Who else did he save, you wondered.

"You see Sans?" You said, prompting the skeleton to look at you. "Everyone cares about you, which is why we're so worried about you. The things you've been saying, those aren't the kinds of things someone who's happy with themselves would say. We just want to help you, but you have to let us in first."

"I… I want to let you guys help…" Sans started slowly, as if trying to translate something from a forgotten language. "But, I don't know what you can do."

"You can talk to us." Toriel said warmly.

"About what?" He asked, warily.

"About what you're feeling. About why you make comments like that." Papyrus said, hopping in right where Toriel left off.

"Hehe guys… I think you're making this out to be more of a problem that it really is." Sans said, trying to deflect the attention from him as a last ditch effort.

"I don't think so Sansy." Undyne said loudly, her usual gusto back.

"Seriously guys…" It sounded like Sans was losing the battle with himself.

"Seriously Sans." You said. He just sighed and sat on the couch.

"Fine, but I don't know if I can spill to everyone in the Underground." He gave the collective crowed a pointed look. The monsters started shuffling in understanding and one by one they started leaving. Only a few were left, including yourself, Papyrus, Grillby and Alphys. Undyne went with the King and Queen back to the castle, ever the attentive body guard.

"Alright Sans. Now, can you tell us what's wrong?" You asked, sitting next to him on the couch.

"It's a long story, and a lot of it doesn't make sense to me, so it definitely wouldn't make sense to you guys." He started hesitantly. "I don't remember when it all started. To save you the confusion, I'll just say something happened that I couldn't stop. And it happened over, and over and over and over again. I was powerless to stop it. Still am, if I'm being honest. Eventually, I just gave up trying to stop it… the guilt ate away at me.

"I always thought, maybe if I had tried, just maybe I could have changed it that time, but since I didn't do anything it was my fault. These thoughts would get more and more extreme until I just accepted those too. There was no point in fighting anything anymore… not the events, not the thoughts. I just… couldn't seem to care anymore." Sans trailed off, staring at his hands.

You knew what he was talking about, and it send an arrow through your heart. He blamed himself for the resets, for everything that happened in past timelines. A small part of you knew it wasn't your fault either. You had found out about Flowey- or rather Asriel – and his power to reset before you fell and took it. You knew it was those resets that haunted him, not your own, but you still felt guilty. It was your power that was causing your friend so much pain.

"Are you referring to the time jumps Brother?" Papyrus asked innocently. Sans' head shot up so fast you thought his skull would detach from his spine.

"Y-you… Pap what-"

"Did you believe you were the only one to notice the jumps? I've always been able to tell when you were trying to prank me through space-time, so I just assumed you were the one at fault for the jumps… had I known they were causing you so much distress…" He trailed off, uncertain he said the right thing. Sans looked horrified, probably at the thought that Papyrus remembered anything that Flowey did to him.

"Oh my god… Paps, do you remember anything… odd?" Sans asked, sounding scared.

"Nothing!" Papyrus said cheerfully. "Just that time was wibbly wobbly!" Sans practically deflated in relief, but there was still tension in his shoulders.

"Sans, you know that's not going to happen again, right?" You asked, quietly, afraid of saying the wrong thing.

"I… I can't let my guard down kid." Was all Sans said.

"Seriously. It's not going to happen again." You repeated, with more strength. Sans glanced at you, a knowing look in his eyes.

"Alright kid…" He was reluctant but gave in anyway.

"I know it's hard, letting others in." Papyrus said. "But we care about you, and care about your wellbeing. You have to let us care for you."

"Alright bro. Just… just give me some time." Sans said, almost as if he was defeated. You felt a little guilty, pushing him to open up like that, but you knew it was for the best.

"We love you Sansy." You said softly. He chuckled deeply and wrapped a lazy arm around your shoulders.

"Love ya too kiddo."

* * *

 **Alright, another change in the normal format. This was based off a tumblr text post. I tried looking for it so I could reference and** credit it and such, but **I was three hours into my blog and** **nowhere near where it would have been so…**

 **Thank you everyone for the overwhelming feedback from everything. Between the support to the reader from the other day, and support when I rant, you guys really are the reason I can keep doing this. It's really hard sometimes, but knowing you guys care about me and my writing, knowing you'll have my back and pick me up when I'm feeling down… it really gives me a boost. It really means a lot to me, something y'all are probably tired of hearing.**

 **I always have so much to say, but when it comes to actually writing it, I can't think of anything to say! I just… you guys blow me away…**

 **Also! I got a huuuuge list of the different AUs for this fandom, but I don't have any ideas for them! I have an Underswap-depression chapter planned, but past that I don't really know any of these AUs well enough to come up with something on my own! If anyone has any specific ideas for their favorite timeline, let me know.**

 **Until next time!**

 **~Starlight**


	37. Rubber Bands - coping

**Warnings- mentions of past self-harm and depression**

* * *

"Why do you keep doing that?" Sans asked casually. You were walking through the local park, enjoying the first warm day of the year. He had caught you snapping what looked to be a regular old rubber band against your wrist. If he was being honest, he noticed you doing that long ago, back when you first fell down to his world.

It wasn't until everyone made it to the surface that Papyrus brought it to his attention.

 _"Brother, why does the human keep doing that thing with their wrist?" He asked. Sans honestly didn't have an answer, so he told his brother that he would ask next time he noticed you doing it. That was three weeks ago._

"Doing what Sans?" You asked, letting your hand dangle at your sides.

"That thing with the rubber band." He said, lazily gesturing towards your hand. You felt your face pale a little but decided you were healthy enough – mentally – to explain. At least to Sans, who was one of your closest friends.

"I used to… do bad things to myself. I would scratch my arms and cut my legs and purposely bruise myself. I would do this because sometimes I felt like I deserved it, and sometimes I did it because my chest felt tight, and hurting myself made the pressure go away." You continued walking down the path, heading towards an open bench.

"I was… found out, sent to the hospital for a while. They taught me different coping methods. Told me to use ice, markers, rubber bands. None of them really worked for me. A week after I got out of the hospital I relapsed, the guilt of making my parents pay the hospital bill made me think that maybe… I should just go away.

"I felt even worse after, but I didn't tell anyone. Instead, I started using the rubber band thing. When I snap it, it snaps me out of whatever I'm thinking. So if I start thinking bad things, I just snap the band and it'll distract me so I don't actually do anything bad." You finally finished, feeling your heart beat in your ears from talking about something you kept hidden for months.

Sans didn't say anything at first, and you thought you had scared him. You were worried he was going to just walk away and never talk to you again… never want to be around you anymore… never want to be your friend-

You snapped the rubber band again. The rubber stung your skin, the already red and irritated flesh burning even more under the strike. The sudden pain reminded you to breathe, reminded you to think logically.

Sans would never leave you. _Snap._ Sans could never hate you. _Snap._ Maybe this isn't the healthiest coping method.

"Kid… Why didn't you tell me before?" Sans asked. He didn't sound mad, like you were afraid of. He sounded… tired.

"I was afraid of what you would think. That's why I haven't told anyone other than my parents and the doctors." You responded quietly.

"Well... Would it make you feel better if I told you one of my secrets?" He asked.

"Only if you're comfortable telling me." You said. In reality, you desperately wanted him to tell you something, something that would make you feel more normal.

"Back in the Underground, minor depression was more common than sleep deprivation. It was easier to find a human than a monster without some form of mental illness. This day will literally be burned into the backs of my nonexistent eyelids for the rest of my life.

"I heard this weird hissing noise when I was walking through Waterfall. Now, I walked through Waterfall every day and I never heard a noise like this before." Sans had sat down on the bench, his grin sad instead of lazy. You sat down next to him, not saying anything yet. "I followed the noise and I saw a figure standing near one of the big water falls.

"It didn't look like they were going to jump, which was my first fear. Then I noticed the smoke that was surrounding them. That's when I realized who it was. It was Grillby. He was standing there, letting the drops from the waterfall hit his bare chest.

"He was almost completely out by the time I found him. His whole body looked like day old coals, black with red glowing underneath. It was terrifying… Better believe I tackled him away from that damned waterfall. Teleported right to his house, practically threw him into the fireplace.

"When he got back to his normal self, he explained why he was doing that. He was feeling guilty about what had happened in the war. Grillby was one of the monster generals, and after was given the medal of bravery. The guilt of killing all those humans weighed on his conscious… so much so that it ruined his marriage. His wife had taken their young daughter and moved to Hotlands. He was broken. If I hadn't walked through Waterfall that day, Grillby would have been dead…

"I know this isn't the same as what you're going through, but I do know how much pain someone has to be in to even consider suicide. Even the thought of you going through that makes my soul break." Sans finished, sighing heavily.

"Thank you…" Was all you could think to say. Sans looked over at you, slightly confused.

"For what?" He asked.

"For understanding… and for not thinking any differently of me." You said, your voice trembling a little. He saw you on the edge of a breakdown and reached over to your wrist, snapping the rubber band for you.

The sudden pain – not nearly as painful as when you did it yourself – you snapped out of your thoughts. You glanced up at him and smile weakly.

"Listen kid. If you ever need to talk again. I'm here for you. I have years' worth of stories to tell you." He smiled warmly, standing and holding a hand out for you.

You took it, returning his smile. His grip irritated the redness around your wrist, making you flinch. He frowned slightly but didn't completely frown.

"And that's going to be the first thing we work on, alright?"

* * *

 **Here's a really short chapter. I'm still working on the really long one that I mentioned on the tumblr. It's starting to… drag on a little? I'll see if it's good enough to post when it's all written out. I just needed a change of scenery.**

 **Until next time!**

 **~Starlight**


	38. Poker Face - cheating, self harm

**Warnings- emotional abuse, physical abuse, self-harm, alcohol abuse, suicide attempt. Human AU based on Toddnet's design. (I know… 'ugh another human AU' but this chapter really wouldn't work as well with them as monsters so I'm sorry)**

* * *

You sat at the bar, feeling the room spin. You had always had a high alcohol tolerance, but you were planning on testing it tonight. You put down the fifth shot and sighed. A single tear worked its way down your cheek but you ignored it. You waved the bartender over again, asking for another shot. He gave you a concerned look but filled your glass again.

"Thanks Charlie." You hiccuped, downing the vodka like water.

"I don't think you should drink anymore…" He said, putting the bottle back on the shelf.

"I don't think you can tell me what to do." You said, more than a little drunkenly. You saw someone new at the bar, a man that looked about your age. He looked to be about the same height as you, with brown hair that was shaved on the sides and a large blue hoodie. You hopped off the bar stool and stumbled a little, catching the bar to regain your balance.

"Hey there stranger." You slurred, gaining the attention of the man. He turned to you and grinned lazily at your greeting. He had two different colored eyes, something that perked your interest, even drunk as you were.

"Hey there beautiful." He didn't sound drunk, but he had an empty shot glass and half a bottle of scotch next to him.

"You seem like a strong fella. How about a drinking contest?" You were never this forward usually, but you were drunk and wanted to get drunker. "I win, you pay the bill. You win, I pay the bill. Sound fair?" The man checked his wallet and grinned at you.

"You're on. Mostly because it already looks like you've had a bit to drink." He said, his voice deep and rumbling. His voice mixed with the vodka made you forget about what you learned today. Almost.

You waved Charlie over and told him about the contest. He seemed very uneasy, but it was his job to serve you and the man. You filled your glass and stared the man down. He seemed at ease with the whole thing, like he didn't expect to lose at all.

You grinned and downed the shot before he could lift the glass to his mouth. He grinned back and took his shot with ease.

"The names Sans." The man said as he filled both your glasses again. You slurred out your name and waited until he was ready before drinking it down. It wasn't vodka, thankfully, but was still strong enough to make your eyes water. "What happened to you today?" He asked, slurring a little himself.

"Whadda mean?" You asked, spilling a little on the table.

"Red eyes, obvious makeup runs, getting shitfaced with a stranger. That's not something someone who's fine does. What happened?" He asked again. Had you been sober, you never would have opened up, but since you were in fact drunk off your ass, you spilled your issues at the drop of a hat. You sniffled a little before taking another shot.

"My fiancé cheated on me." You said with a hiccup. Sans grimaced and poured you another shot. It seemed the contest was forgotten at this point.

"How'd you find out?" He asked. You wiped your nose on the back of your hand and signed, fighting back tears.

"I came home from work early. I work as a secretary and I finished my paperwork so my boss said I could head back. I decided to surprise him, cuz our three year anniversary is tomorrow- _was going to be tomorrow."_ The words caught in your throat but the drunken haze told you to keep talking. It made you feel better. "I had a key to his apartment, so I let myself in, planning on surprising him. I heard sounds from his room and got worried. He has nightmares sometimes, and I thought he was having a nightmare, so I rushed over and threw the door open.

"Imagine my surprise when I saw another girl in his b-bed." Tears started steadily running down your face. Sans handed you a large glass, not a shot glass. You took a sip and was pleasantly surprised to taste ice cold water. You nod at him and continue. "I didn't know what to do… I just kind of… stood there. I couldn't move at all. He jumped up and tried to explain but I just burst into tears and ran out. I just lost it. He tried calling and texting and even came to my apartment, but I just couldn't face him… I knew it was too good to be true…"

"What do you mean?" Sans asked, handing Charlie some cash.

"I should have known no one would want to marry me… I knew he would find someone better… I'm such an idiot!" You burst into tears, the loud, messy kind. Sans just handed you a napkin.

"You're not alone… that's why I'm here too. Found out my girl had been seeing someone else while we were trying to work out our own relationship. Guess she wasn't too keen on getting back together with me." He chuckled sadly. You felt bad, crying about your problems when Sans had problems of his own, but you were too tired to think too much about it.

"I'm sorry…" You slurred, sniffling again.

"You look tired. Let's get you home, alright? What's your address?" Sans asked, helping you stand. You leaned heavily on him as he brought you to the curb and hailed a cab. You mumbled out your address, and he in turn told the cabbie driver. The driver gave you a dirty look – he probably had a bad history with drunk couples getting in the back of his car. When he saw your tear streaked face, his own face softened.

The ride home was silent, save a few soft sobs from you. You rested your head on his chest, his steady heartbeat calming you down. When you pulled up in front of your apartment complex, Sans paid the driver and helped you out of the car.

He helped you up to your apartment, you leaning on him the whole way. You handed him the keys after several unsuccessful attempts to open the front door.

"Which ways your room?" He asked, flicking on the light. You started walking towards your room, only to be caught before you ran into the corner of the table. Sans helped you to your room and into bed.

You pulled him onto you and giggled as you felt his weight shift. He tried to stand, but you held him down. You kissed him, awkwardly and sloppily, but it was just what you needed. He kissed you back, a little hesitantly, but kissed you back all the same.

Sans shifted his weight again, so he was straddling you on the bed. You smiled into the kiss and wrapped your arms around his neck. This was just what you needed.

Sans moaned a name, a name that was not yours. A name that had been haunting you for the past six hours. It was the name your fiancé – your _ex_ fiancé said when you found him. You pulled back, tears already falling.

"Oh shit- I…I'm sorry." He said frantically. You sat there numbly.

"It's her…" You said faintly. He furrowed his brows in confusion. "She's the one… the one he chose over me…"

"You mean your ex cheated on you with my ex?" He said, partially amused and partially heart broken. The mood was completely shot. Sans fell off of you and stood, turning away from you.

"Well, night." He said awkwardly, and turned to leave. You caught his sleeve, making him pause. You felt your vision blurring again, and your better judgment was thrown out the window.

"P-please stay?" You asked, your words slurring from the alcohol and your exhaustion. He hesitated before sighing and kicking off his shoes. Sans crawled into bed next to you, making sure the blankets were covering you. Out of instinct, you curled into his chest and almost instantly fell asleep.

Sans looked down at your sleeping form, apprehension and pity building in his chest. You sobbed slightly in your sleep, and his resolve melted. He wrapped an arm around you – a completely wasted stranger – and fell asleep himself.

* * *

Sans woke up early. Checking his phone, it was only three hours since he went to sleep. He looked around groggily before remembering why he wasn't in his own bed. There was a note next to his pillow, with a water bottle and four little pills in a medicine cup.

 _Sans- I'm sorry I made you stay last night. I really wasn't thinking straight. If you'd like, I can make it up to you through breakfast? Here are some advil, because I figured you would have a headache after last night._

It was a short note, but it made him grin slightly. He threw back the pills and flung his legs over the edge of the mattress. He wondered what woke him up so early when he heard a noise coming from behind the door. Going over to the door, he saw light and tiling from underneath – the bathroom, he assumed.

The noise came again. It sounded like a sob, and was followed by a strangled sounding gasp and something metal hitting the ground. He hesitated, fist hovering over the door. There was another loud thump, like a body hitting the ground.

Sans didn't even bother knocking. He just opened the door. He was a little surprised to find the door unlocked, but if you lived alone, there was no reason for you to lock the door.

That thought was cut short when he saw the source of the thump.

You were laying in a pool of red, your face pale and under your eyes was purple. You were in just your bra and panties, your clothing folded neatly on the toilet. He could see the veins standing out bright against your skin. A bloody razor blade was a few inches from your hand, the silver almost completely covered in red. Your arms were the worst, gashes with blood gushing from them, making you look more and more dead by the second.

Sans jumped to action, snagging the damp towel from the rack and wrapped it around your arm. As soon as he did that, he realized there was blood coming from your thighs as well. Cursing under his breath, he tried to stop the bleeding as best as possible.

Throwing aside all house guest manners, he dug under the sink, desperately hoping to find some kind of first aid kit. He didn't spare a thought as he pulled out a large box filled to the gills with gauze and wraps and even medical stitches.

Grabbing another towel from the floor, he kept mopping at your arms to stem the bleeding. Eventually, he stopped it enough to bandage. It took him a while to clean your skin off enough to tape up, and by the time he was done, you had passed out completely.

He slipped off his jacket, showing a plain white t-shirt underneath and helped you into it. After zipping it up, the jacket was large enough on you to cover all the important parts.

Weighed down by exhaustion, he wiped off the floor as best as he could and brought you back to the bed. You took a deep breath in your sleep, and Sans felt his chest constrict painfully. He got back into bed next to you and fell back asleep almost instantly.

* * *

When you woke up, your head was pounding and your arms were burning. You couldn't remember what happened that night…

You felt a stab of guilt when you remembered making Sans stay. You remembered having a nightmare and waking up, writing the note for your guest, going into the bathroom…

You felt a scream build in your throat as you realized what really happened. You looked at your arms and saw expert wrapping, with faint red lined seeping through the white. You felt your stomach drop and looked around frantically. No shoes, no sign Sans was ever there.

With a heavy heart, you stumbled out of bed and looked down. You were wearing an unfamiliar yet somewhat familiar jacket. It took you a second to remember where you had seen it before. You felt even more guilt as you realized it was in fact Sans' jacket.

Yet another thing you messed up.

Making your way to the kitchen, you tried to think of a reason to eat something… a reason to even get out of bed.

You stopped abruptly when the scent of coffee hit you hard. You blinked and instinctually felt your heart drop. Someone was in your apartment…

"Good morning. Or should I say afternoon." A deep voice drew your attention to the breakfast bar that served as your dinner table. Sans was sitting there, his brown hair a mess and large bags under his eyes. He was wearing a ruffled white t-shirt and was sipping coffee from a gigantic mug.

"You're still here?" You asked bluntly. You saw his raised eyebrow and flushed. "I mean, I thought you would have left after…" you trailed off, gesturing to your arm faintly. His lazy grin faded some as he stood and went over to the coffee maker.

"I couldn't just leave you like that. How do you like your coffee?" He asked, sounding completely sincere, which frightened you a little.

"Um, extra cream and sugar." You said softly, not sure how to feel. It was hard to believe your world came crashing down around your ears less than twelve house ago.

"Your phone has been going off like crazy." He said nonchalantly. With a sinking feeling you unlocked it and saw the messaged.

Twelve missed calls, two missed facetimes, and forty seven unread messages, all from your fiancé – your ex fiancé.

You immediately erased the voice messages, not wanting to hear his voice. The texts were all the same.

 _I'm sorry._

 _Can we talk?_

 _I didn't mean it._

 _I'm sorry._

You read about ten of them before going through and deleting the rest. You didn't want to see his pathetic messages. Sans saw you expression and frowned. He handed you the mug silently and rested a hand on your shoulder.

"Are you okay?" He asked, unsure what to do. You took a sip of your coffee and couldn't help a small smile. It was perfect. You registered his question and shook your head a fraction.

"But I'll cope." Was your response. He hummed but didn't respond. The two of you sat in a comfortable silence for a while, contently sipping your coffee and slowly waking up. After a good twenty minutes, his phone dinged loudly.

Sans checked his phone and scowled. He tapped an angry response and practically threw the device on the counter.

"Something wrong?" You asked, wanting to do something to repay him, even if it was just listening to his problems.

"That was my ex… we shared an apartment, but now she's saying I have a week to get my shit out and leave." He ran a hand through his bangs and growled in frustration. You felt awful. Even though you were cheated on too, at least you had your own place. You did the only think you could think of at the time.

"You can- you can stay here… if you want." You finished lamely. He looked up at you quickly, his expression shocked and hopeful.

"Are you serious?" he asked, awed. You flushed a little at the intensity of his stare.

"I mean, it's the least I can do, after all you did for me last night." You sipped the last of your coffee to avoid looking at him. Suddenly, there were arms around you, hugging you tightly. If there had been any coffee left in your mug, it would have spilled everywhere.

"Thank you!" He said happily. The motions hurt your arms, but you liked the sound of his voice when he was happy.

"We can go and get your stuff this afternoon if you want." You suggest, wanting to make him as comfortable as possible.

"You would do that?" He asked incredulously. You nodded and gave a warm smile. He grinned back, his whole face lighting up.

He went to put the mugs in the sink and left you to think about what just happened. Nothing like this happened in real life… so what's going on here? You didn't have any more time to think about just how perfectly timed everything was.

Maybe a little too perfectly timed…?

* * *

It took about a week to get everything settled in your apartment again. Sans didn't have much of his own. You hung some of his paintings on the walls, and rearranged the living room to fit a recliner in. Half of your closet was cleared for him and your cabinets now had twice as many cups and bowls. It was… nice, having another person in the apartment with you.

You still had bandaged on your arms, mostly to keep infection out. Same with your thigh, but those were healing quicker. Sans made sure you changed them every morning and every night. He never let you skip out on caring for your injuries.

At first, he insisted on sleeping on the couch, but after three days you convinced him to share the bed with you. Your reasoning? You had practically had sex already once, and he had found you mostly naked, dying on your bathroom floor. If that doesn't qualify as close enough to share a bed, you weren't sure what would.

It was Saturday again, a week and a day after you met. You were sitting on your bed, going through some old papers. A lot of them were notes and letters your ex wrote to you back when you were still dating. With a sneer, you moved to rip them, but hesitated.

Hopping off the bed, you stuck the papers in the medium sized box by the bedroom door. During your apartment shenanigans, you found all your ex's things and tossed them in a box to give back to him eventually.

"Hey! I got the pizza." Sans called from the living room area.

"I'll be right out!" You picked up the box and carelessly tossed it behind the couch. The smell of hot cheese filled the small room, causing your stomach to rumble.

"Man, you should have seen the line. They're packed today!" Sans said, pulling out two plates from the cabinet.

"They're always busy on Saturdays. That's their 'no body actually wants to cook for themselves day'." You said with a smile. In just the few days Sans had stayed with you, you managed to become best friends. I guess that's what a crap ton of emotional distress from both sides can result in.

You remembered how the first night he officially stayed with you, he woke up crying. It took almost two hours to calm him down enough to fall back asleep. You can't have those kinds of moments with someone and not become close.

You went over and grabbed the plate from his hands. He protested faintly before giving up and getting himself another plate. Instead of sitting at the breakfast bar like usual, the two of you sat on the couch. Your legs were thrown over his lap and the two of you just joked around.

He took your empty plate and placed it on the ground before gently touching your sides. Being as ticklish as you were, the light touch sent you cracking up and twisting around trying to get away. You could feel tears building from how hard you were laughing.

Sans' deep, baritone laugh joined in, his face skillfully avoiding your flailing fists. He laughed harder as you snorted loudly and you jabbed your elbow into his ribs. He huffed and snorted himself, causing the two of you to laugh again.

Your laughter was cut short by the front door opening. You glanced over and instantly felt your heart drop. It was your ex, in all his patheticness. He stood there, slightly hunched over and eyes covered by his hair.

"Hey… I texted you but you never responded so…" He started quietly. "I, um, still had a key and… I figured I would just come get my stuff and… maybe talk." You and Sans untangled somberly. Sans stood first, taking the plates and moving to the kitchen, never breaking eye contact with your ex. You sat upright on the couch and stared at your lap. Sans came back, interrupting the silence and got right up in his face.

"You better stay at least five feet away from her. I'll be watching." He said, slowly backing up and moving to sit on the stool at the breakfast bar. You had never heard him sound so threatening before. Your ex just nodded and sat on the chair, opposite of you.

"Look, I know I really messed up." He started, his voice still quiet. "And… I know you probably won't get back together with me. I just hope that you can forgive me… eventually." He saw the bandages still wrapped around your arms and his whole face scrunched up with concern. "What h-happened?"

"I don't think that's anyone of your business anymore." You said coolly. He looked down at his lap, ashamed.

You both sat in silence, neither sure what to say.

"Maybe it would be best if you just left." You said finally. You stood and got the box from behind the couch. Instead of handing it to him, you just used your foot to slide it over to him. He glanced in and saw a small velvet box nestled in the things. His face fell, but was filled with acceptance.

"I see. I'm sorry… I still love you." He said, a last ditch effort to win you back. You heard Sans make a sound behind you and felt your resolve hardening.

"Bye." He turned to leave. As he was halfway out the door, you quickly called his name again. He spun around, looking at you with one of the most hopeful expressions you had ever seen. "Leave your key. You're not welcome here anymore."

His face fell, tears threatening to fall. He shuffled the box into one arm before digging through his pocket and tossing a small silver key onto the floor. He scowled and slammed the door behind him. You felt the breath you were holding escape and you were suddenly crying.

Sans was at your side in an instant, his warm hands found your own and whispered comforting things into your ear. You began hyperventilating and tried to break free of his grasp. His closeness was suffocating you.

You finally broke free and sprinted to the bathroom, locking the door behind you. You hadn't done anything since that first night, Sans distracting you through stories and… other things to keep you safe.

But that wouldn't work this time. You ripped off the bandages on your thigh.

You dug through the cabinet to find your box. You could hear Sans pounding on the door, but you needed this.

"Please Sans! Let me do this! I need this…" You cried, not even sure if he could understand what you were saying.

"You don't need this. You have me. You don't have to do this to yourself." He said, his words muffled through the door.

"Please…" You said softly. He didn't reply, but you could feel his presence on the other side of the door.

You took the blade between your fingers and sliced your thigh. The first cut wasn't deep, but that just made you angrier. You brought the blade back up and slashed again, this time putting more strength behind it. The blade opened up your leg, letting the blood bubble up hotly.

The red ran down your leg, cooling almost instantly as it hit the air. You sobbed as you swiped again, just as hard as the last time. Five, seven, nine deep gashes before you felt the tightness in your chest lessen.

Numbly, you placed the razor on the edge of the sink and took a roll of toilet paper. With slow movements, you carefully mopped up the blood, being careful around the gashes on your leg. This time you were careful enough to keep it from dripping too much onto the tiles, so there wasn't a lot of clean up.

Three toilets full of bloody toilet paper later, you took the gauze and gently bandaged the wounds, almost completely sure you didn't need stitches. You carefully opened the door and was immediately pulled into a tight hug.

"Don't fuckin scare me like that again." Sans said into your neck, holding you tighter. You just hugged him back without responding to the comment.

"Thank you." You said softly. He pulled back, confused.

"Why are you thanking me?" He asked.

"For letting me do what I had to do." You responded seriously.

"Just… don't do it again." He said, just as seriously. You knew you couldn't promise anything, so you stayed silent as he held you.

* * *

"It is a great pleasure to meet you!" the tall boy said, shaking your hand vigorously. Sans had invited his brother over for dinner that night because he hadn't seen him in a while. Papyrus – his brother – lived in suburbs outside of the city and went to high school out there.

"It's great to finally meet you too! Sans has told me a lot about you." You said, massaging feeling back into your hand.

"All good things, I assume!" He said loudly. You snickered and led him to the kitchen. Dinner went by nicely, Papyrus doing most of the talking. He updated Sans all on all his old friends from high school and the neighborhood.

Two woman named Alphys and Undyne have plans to get married in the spring. Sans' invite was sent to his old address, which was why he never heard. Papyrus assured him that he would inform the couple of his change in residence.

Toriel started living with Asgore again after a long fight. Sans seemed happy to hear this, and you made a mental note to ask about it later.

"So what about that Mettaton?" Sans asked, slurping up some of the pasta. Papyrus choked on his food, turning bright red. Going by the look on Sans' face, you knew he did it on purpose to fluster his brother.

"M-m-mettaton?" He asked, his voice going up three octaves. "He is- we're just. Fine! Everything is fine!" Sans chuckled deeply and went back to eating.

You watched the brothers interact quietly, feeling your chest warm at their relationship. You never really had a brother figure, be it younger or older. You were a little jealous, but you were happy that they were finally able to spend more time together.

By the time Papyrus left, it was pretty late. He had to leave to catch the last bus of the night, but seemed hesitant to go.

"You're welcome anytime Papyrus. It was nice to see Sans under control for once." You said cheekily, grinning and snorting at Sans' indignant huff from behind you.

"I will definitely take you up on that offer!" He explained loudly before scooping you up into another tight hug. Papyrus left, clicking the door shut quietly behind him. As soon as the door shut, Sans seemed to deflate.

"That was… exhausting." He said with a content grin.

"Your brother is… quite something." You said with a chuckle, putting the dirty dishes in the sink.

"Ain't that the truth." He ran his hands thought his bangs and signed, his grin fading.

"Sans, is something wrong?" You asked, concerned.

"Nah… It's just… It's been a while since I've felt that, you know, carefree. Paps always had a way to make me feel better." He said, shrugging and leaving the kitchen.

You smiled warmly at him and followed, standing in front of him and kissing him on the cheek. He seemed a little shocked but relaxed and placed his forehead on yours.

* * *

You stumble home, falling into walls and using them to support yourself. You could feel your ribs throbbing, and your mouth was already swelling. The only consolation was you did more to him than he did to you.

 _You were walking home from work, walking the same path you've walked almost every day for close to two years now. You hadn't seen it coming, mostly because he covered your eyes before pulling you into the ally way._

 _Breaking away, you finally saw who had pulled you from the walkway. It was your ex, looking much more greasy and disheveled than ever before. He had dark bags under his eyes and his shirt had dark stains down the front. The smell was the first thing you really noticed._

 _"Are you_ _ **drunk**_ _?" You asked. He had always been against alcohol, even when you were back in high school. He never drank, and made you feel guilty when you did._

 _"I'm not drunk." He slurred. He took a threatening step towards you. "This is all your fault… you bitch…"_

 _"What do you mean?" You said, your fear growing._

 _"She found out that you're banging her ex." He said. You realized he was talking about Sans' ex, the one that cheated on him with your ex. "She got mad… and left. Ap-app-apparently I was just somthin' to make him jealous… she f-fucked my life… then you fucked_ _ **him…**_ _and made everything_ _ **worse!"**_ _He lunged at you._

 _He caught you by surprise, so he managed to get a solid hit to your face before you thought enough to fight back. You dodged his next hit but ended up throwing yourself against a dumpster. You got the wind knocked out of you as you made contact with the dumpster, and he took advantage of that by swinging at your face again._

 _He had never been the strongest, and that mixed with being drunk, it wasn't that painful. It split your lip, though, causing blood to flood your mouth._

 _You jumped aside and kicked your leg out, knocking him over. He fell heavily, hitting his head on the concrete painfully. As you tried to run past him, his hand reached out and grabbed your ankle, causing you to slam down face first onto the ground._

 _Groaning, you roll over to see him towering over you. In a blind panic, you kicked out. Your foot connected with something, and the way his collapsed made you think you hit him where the sun doesn't shine. You took this opportunity to sprint away._

You finally made it up to your apartment, taking a break to wheeze in a deep breath, wincing as your definitely bruised ribs stressed against the breath. It took you three tries to get the key in the lock because you were shaking so badly.

As soon as you opened the door, Sans was by your side.

"You scared the crap out of me- what the _hell happened?"_ He practically hissed, his eyes narrowing as they took in your appearance. You flinch as you walk forward, and flinch more violently when Sans scooped you up.

He brought you to the bathroom, where he used a pair of scissors to cut off your shirt. It was already ruined, ripped and bloody and covered in dirt. He placed the ruined shirt to the side and wet a washcloth, gently dabbing at your split lip.

He cleaned you up – reminding you of the first time he found you in need. He left quietly and returned a minute later, carrying his jacket and a bag of ice wrapped in a towel. He also had some painkillers, which were hidden in his hand.

"Here, take these first." He said, handing you the small pills and filled the bathroom cup with tap water. In a single swallow, you took the medicine and let him help you stand. He slipped the jacket on your arms, being extra careful around your already bruising side. Letting you lean on his one side, he grabbed the ice bag in the other and helped you hobble into the bedroom.

Sans arranged the pillows to help you sit up and managed to get you up on the bed without hurting too badly. He handed you the bag of ice and you placed it on your side, the cold making the burning bruises feel better immediately.

"What happened?" He asked, rubbing comforting circles into your thigh.

"It was my ex. He was drunk and mad. Apparently she left him after finding out we were living together. According to him, it was all a scheme to make you care more about her or something." You said, talking softly so you didn't mess up the scabbing from your split lip.

Sans made a growling sound in the back of his throat.

"That bastard… I'm going to kill him-"

"Sans no. I gave him worse than he gave me." You smiled weakly, feeling your lip rip a little. His expression soften and he carefully wrapped you in a hug.

"You have no idea how scared I was. You're never that late coming home… all these horrible situations were running through my head. What if you were kidnapped? Raped? Murdered? I was about twenty minutes from going out myself and finding the police."

"You would have done that for me?" You asked, shocked.

"Of course! You mean the world to me." He said. You felt your heart stutter. Your stomach sunk as you finally realized something. You dropped your head, looking at the bedspread.

"Sans… I did something dumb." You said, voice low and shaking. You could feel the tears stinging your eyes. He tensed up next to you, and you could practically hear the gears in his head turning. He just saw your torso, so you couldn't have done anything there…

"What did you do?" He asked, calm and patient but also scared.

"I promised myself I wouldn't do it. I promised myself I wouldn't do this to you…" You said, accepting the truth made you even more emotional. A single tear fell silently down your cheek. He took your hand and gave it a gently squeeze.

"What did you do?" He asked again, still not sounding angry or aggravated.

"I went and fell in love with you." It was practically a whisper. Sans took a sharp breath and moved away half an inch. You closed your eyes, waiting for his rejection.

"I did something dumb too." He said. Your eyes shot open as he moved closer to you. His lips met your gently, keeping in mind the fact your lip was split. "I went and fell in love with you too." He admitted.

You felt your heart skip a beat. The tears started falling faster and faster, and you were powerless to stop them. Sans sensed your distress and tried to wipe your tears away with the sleeve of his shirt.

"What's wrong?" He asked, afraid he said something wrong.

"I'm scared Sans." You said pitifully.

"What are you scared of?" He asked, trying to get you to talk out your feelings.

"I thought I knew what love was, with my ex. I thought I knew, but I was wrong. When he cheated on me, I thought it was because I was unlovable… I didn't think anyone could actually love me… then I started living with you, and it was nothing like being engaged to him… I thought I was the one that was wrong… that my views of love were wrong." You sniffled before continuing. "I guess that's kind of right. This is real love, isn't it? Not my need for acceptance, like when I was with him… and that scares me. The fake love tore me apart enough. What will real love do to me?" You finished in a whisper.

Sans pulled you into another gentle hug, letting your head rest on his chest. The sound of his strong heartbeat and the baritone rumble of his words soothing you.

"Love can be very scary, but as long as we stick together, we'll be okay." He smiled down at you. You sniffled again, but this time it was out of joy.

He loved you. He really, actually loved you. Not that fake love you thought you deserved.

You were going to be okay, you realized as you buried your face in his chest.

* * *

 **I could have gone on – I had maybe three more 'scenes' I could have written – but I felt it was starting to drag on a little too much.**

 **This isn't the normal kind of thing, but I wanted to show a longer, more drawn out relationship. Not every comforting relationship starts out immediately, or starts out being best friends from the very beginning. Sometimes you have to start out as strangers and form a bond strong enough to open up to each other.**

 **While it isn't as long as I thought it was going to be, this chapter is still the longest at over 6k words. I'm actually pretty proud of that fact!**

 **I don't know if it crossed anyone's thoughts, but it was actually really hard to write it without using any names, especially for the ex's. I had names in mind, but someone reading might have that name, and I know it sucks to see your name for the bad guy of a story. Like in the** **Nine Lives of Chloe King** **series. The main bad girl was "Keira" exactly how I spell it and everything. It made me feel weird to see my name like that, so I avoided using names all together.**

 **Also, I was told my Human AU takes away from the feel of the characters, so I added the part with Papyrus. I hope it doesn't feel too forced or awkward. I'm trying my best here : )**

 **Thank you everyone who has been sending suggestions and support! Sometimes you guys are the only reason I can keep going day to day, so thank you so, so much.**

 **Until next time!  
~Starlight **


	39. Doodled Sadness - Depression

**Warnings- depression, mild suicidal thoughts, somewhat graphic images.**

* * *

"Whatcha drawin there kiddo?" Sans asked, peeking over your shoulder. You quickly moved to cover the sketch book and tried to play it off.

"N-nothing Sans. Just doodling." You said with a fake chuckle.

"Can I see?" He asked, interested in your art. You felt your heart stutter at the thought of Sans seeing your art.

"Actually, I have to get going now." You said, gathering your stuff. "Maybe next time?"

"Um, yeah sure." He said, a little shocked at your sudden need to leave. You offer him a quick smile before bolting out the door.

You made it back home in five minutes, one good thing about the monsters living in the same town as you. You went up to your room and closed the door. Sitting on the bed, you flipped back to the page you were working on.

A haunting face stared back at you, dark graphite forming messy hair and a screaming mouth. The girl in the picture was crying, but her eyes were smiling – or at least you were trying to get it to look that way.

Your sketchbook was your diary, your coping mechanism. All your dark thoughts were transferred into doodles and sketches and full scenes.

Going one page back, you saw one of your favorite pieces. It was a large tree, a small girl swinging on a rope swing on the left, and an adult swinging from a noose on the right. Just seeing the somber scene made you feel a little better.

You heard your mom come home, so you stashed the sketchbook under your pillow and went to help her carry in the groceries.

* * *

Sans sat on his couch, trying to make sense of what just happened.

He always knew you were a fantastic artist, so it was no surprise to see a fantastic sketch of a woman on the page. All he managed to see before you left was that the woman was crying. It looked like she was in a lot of pain.

That worried Sans. You always seemed too happy, but the fact that you were _so happy_ after everything that happened… that didn't seem healthy.

He remembered the nightmares you used to have, back before the barrier was actually broken. As soon as everyone made it to the surface, you snapped right out of it. No one questioned it, not even Sans…

Until now.

Sans rubbed the back of his head and sighed, trying to think of how to ask about that picture without making everything awkward between you.

"What are you doing kid?" He asked to the air.

* * *

"You always have that little book with you." Undyne said one day. You were just hanging out, everyone doing their own thing but enjoying the company of their friends. You had been sketching something else – a wrist bleeding lace. It was one of your favorite so far, the lace looking so delicate and dangerous.

You quickly flipped to a decoy page, where a half-finished sketch of Asgore's throne room was drawn. You started working on it again, adding more details to the thousands of flowers carpeting the floor.

"Yeah, I just really like sketching." You said, turning the book around and showing the decoy picture.

"W-wow! That's amazing!" Alphys said, moving closer to take a closer look. You blushed, not thinking it was that great.

"What's behind it?" Papyrus asked. He could see the faint lines of anther drawing behind the throne room drawing. The dark graphite showing through the thin pages. You felt your stomach drop but couldn't see a way out of this.

"J-just a doodle. I messed up so it's n-not finished." You said, stalling.

"Well, can the great Papyrus see this doodle? He asked again, tilting his head to one side like a puppy. You couldn't say no. With a reluctant page turn, you showed them the other drawing. It was much darker than the last.

It was a young girl with a long black braid that was curling around her neck. Her face was calm, smiling but crying black. The background was pure black except a ring of white around the girl so she would stand out against the darkness.

The room was silent for a moment, everyone too shocked at the image to say anything. Papyrus was or course the first to snap out of his shock.

"W-wowie! This certainly shows much skill!" He said uncertainly. Everyone else awkwardly nodded and mumbled. You quickly closed the book and stashed it in your backpack.

"Anyway…. I need to go. Um, school work and all that." Your voice was shaking. You never wanted anyone to see your drawings. They were your outlet… Now they're going to worry. You rushed home and locked yourself in your room again, opening to a fresh page.

* * *

"Hey kid. Sorry about the arrangements, but you know how it is. We'd all feel better if you stayed with someone when your mom's outta town for the week." Sans put his hands up in a surrender motion, but you could tell he was being sarcastic.

"Yeah, yeah. Just as long as you don't start acting like a dad again." You said with a grin. He grinned back, remembering the first time you stayed with him and his brother back in Snowdin. He hovered over you, constantly asking if you were hungry, or thirsty, or cold, or bored. You lasted all of two hours before telling him to knock it off.

"Hehe alright kid. I'll be the cool uncle this time." His grin faded slightly but didn't say anything about his sudden change in demeanor. "You want some pizza? I should have some leftovers in the fridge."

Sans moved out of his brother's house after coming to the surface, so him not really having food was a mix of concerning and expected. You watched him shuffle around on the fridge and thought it was a fun view to draw.

With a shit-eating grin, you brought you your sketch book and began doing a rough sketch of Sans, his butt sticking out of the fridge. You got so sucked into drawing, you didn't notice him disappear from in front of you and reappear slightly behind your left shoulder.

"That's pretty good kid." He said directly into your ear, startling you.

"Don't scare me like that!" You practically screeched. He just snickered, but stopped abruptly. You tried to steady your heart beat as you looked at him oddly.

"Then why do you have the right to scare us?" He asked, more seriously that you've heard him in a long time.

"What are you talking about?" You asked, honestly confused. His eye sockets went black – something that used to scare the crap out of your as a kid but has since lost its scare factor. Something you haven't gotten used to, however, was teleportation. He teleported you to the kitchen, making sure you were firmly seated.

"I'm talking about this." Your sketch book was tossed into the table. The hard cover caused the book to spin on the surface of the table, coming to rest directly in front of you.

"Hey! That's mine!" Your protectiveness of your secrets caused you to try to escape the hold of his magic. It was no use, his blue keeping you firmly seated.

"Yeah well…" Sans used his powers to open the cover. The very first page showed a person with stitches keeping the mouth shut. The figure was using a razor blade to cut the stitches apart. Your eyes trained on the picture, remembering exactly how you felt the day you drew that one.

You had come home from school crying because you had been lied to by your so called best friend. You tried talking to your mom about it, but she had to rush out to work. You felt alone, silenced. You had no one to talk to. That picture reflected how you felt that day.

"What about it? It's just a drawing." You said defensively. Sans just flicked his hand again, causing the page to turn.

The second page was a first person view of an arm, as if the viewer was looking down at their own arm. The arm was covered in dozens of cuts, some openly bleeding and others half healed. The only color on page were the little Band-Aids, barely covering the cuts. They were colored pink and green and blue – all such innocent colors.

This was the day you thought of killing yourself the first time. It was supposed to symbolize that 'sorry' and 'I love you' were just small bandages that wouldn't be able to fix the painful wounds covering your heart.

"Sans… please stop… These are my drawings. I don't want anyone else seeing them." You said, eyes stinging with unshed tears.

"Sorry kid, but we have to talk about this. These pictures are… disturbing to say the least. Got me real worried 'bout you and your head." Sans said, sitting across from you.

"I'm fine Sans." You said gruffly, not looking him in the eye.

"Come on kid, we both know that's not true." He responded softly, sounding calmer and more supporting than he did when he first confronted you.

"I use the drawings to get my emotions out. I've never been able to keep a real diary. I always forgot to write and it just didn't work out. I found that drawing things make me feel better. A lot of them are more intense than what I actually feel though, so there's nothing to really worry about."

"The fact that you're feeling this way at all is pretty worrying. It don't matter if it's as intense as these drawings. No one should feel this bad, ever." He manually flipped through a few more pages, examining the sketches and their details.

"It's nothing…" You mumbled, not completely comfortable with him looking through the book.

"Explain these to me." He said suddenly. You blinked owlishly at him before he thought to explain. "What were you thinking when you drew this?" He said, flipping back to the first page and pointing to the stitched face.

You started slowly, explaining what had happened that day. How your mom left you alone. How you felt completely abandoned. He stayed silent as you explained.

Your chest started feeling light, like how it felt when you drew. He turned the page after you finished and asked about that one. He went through each and every one of them, asking for you to explain how you felt while making them.

Some of the doodles didn't have any stories behind them, and some of them were a little happier, like the sketch of Asgore's throne room and one that you did of Papyrus posing with Undyne. Those were some of your favorites.

"Thanks kid." Sans said after a few hours of you talking. You looked up at him, slightly confused. He somehow magiced a glass of water in front of you. Taking a sip, you realized how badly your throat hurt from talking so much.

"For what?" You asked, finishing the glass.

"For trusting me with this. I get how hard it can me to open up and stuff." He closed the sketch book and slid it back to you. You took it from the table and slipped it in the bag.

"Thanks for… listening. And not judging me I guess."

"Judge you? I could never." His usual lazy grin was back on his face, replacing the air of normalcy to the room. You smiled faintly at him, but the moment was ruined by your stomach growling loudly. He just chuckled at your sheepish grin. "How about some take out? There's this sweet Thai place down the road."

"Sounds good Sans." You said, but you really meant " _thank you for everything you've done for me"_

* * *

 **Another short(ish) chapter. This was given to me a while ago but I never got around to it until now! This is something else I relate to a lot. I used to doodle stuff like this in my math notebook instead of taking notes. Thankfully no one ever saw them.**

 **I'm hoping to maybe upload a smallish chapter once a week, or a long one every other? I know I keep saying "Oh yeah this is totally going to be my update schedule y'all" then I end up not following it at all ever.**

 **I have a plan for a longish one next maybe? It'll be the dancetale AU, so look forward to that in the next few chapters! I also have some other very unique ideas, though I'm starting to think I'm moving** ** _way_** **far away from the original hurt/comfort aspect of this story.**

 **ANYWAY thanks everyone for your support and love! It never fails to make me smile : ) y'all keep me young.**

 **Until next time!**

 **~Starlight**


	40. Encore - following your dreams

**Warnings- dancetale AU, mentions of death and injury.**

* * *

You woke up to your entire body hurting. You couldn't remember what had happened, not for the life of you. You remember going to New York, to audition to be in the New York Ballet… you stepped out of your taxi and…

You looked up and saw a small light, hundreds of feet in the air. You were sitting on a pile of yellow flowers, and while the aroma was quite pleasing, you had no idea how you ended up here. It was obvious you had fallen, but how? Were you dead?

"Howdy!" A friendly voice said. You spun around, but all you saw was a single yellow flower sticking out of the ground. You go to walk around it, but the voice stopped you again. "Where ya think you're going, friend?"

"Who's there?" You asked, seemingly to no one.

"Down here silly!" The voice said again. You glanced down at the flower, and are surprised to see a smiling face where the pollen should have been. "I'm Flowey, Flowey the flower!" It said, smiling at you.

"H-hello?" You told it, not sure how to feel about a talking flower.

"Oh would you look at that!" The flower said. "You're already dressed to go! How wonderful."

You look to see what you were wearing. Pink tights, a plain black leotard and ballet slippers. You felt a pang of guilt for wearing your dance shoes outside of the studio, but it didn't seem you had any options.

"Dressed for what?" You asked, still unsure of how to feel.

"For the Underground, of course!" The flower stuck his tongue out at you, making you feel even sillier.

"Um…" You stammered, not knowing what to say.

"Here, I'll give you a tutorial! Dance, human! Dance!" He cackled as his face transformed from a smile to a horrifying grimace. You barely managed to dodge the white bullets, your years of training making it easy to jump and spin out of the way.

"How horrible!" A voice said. Suddenly, Flowey was blown away by a small flame. Looking to your right, you saw a large goat monster. She reminded you of your old dance teacher, with a pair of glasses and a light pink cardigan.

"Oh my child… how awful!" She said, leading you back to her house. On the way she explained the way the Underground worked.

Along with puzzles, each monster had his or her own style of dance, and the only way to get past them was to fight or earn their respect through your own skill. You thought it was odd, dancing to solve conflicts, but you'd rather dance than fight.

Your stay with the goat monster – Toriel you learned was her name – was amazing. She taught you technique that even you had never seen before. She danced with you, spinning you around in a classic three step waltz, and really showed you the finer points of ballroom dancing. It was the most fun you had ever had dancing, because there was no pressure to be perfect. It was just for fun, something you hadn't experienced since you were young. It was perfect, and you wished it would never end…

But it was too good to be true. You told her about your dream to dance in the professional ballet, and she seemed to remember something of her own.

With a deep sigh, she led you to a set of large stone doors. She seemed reluctant, and started tearing up. She hummed a faint tune, soft and sweet. It was the same song you had been dancing to the whole time you were with her. The melody settled over your mind, running through your thoughts so you wouldn't forget them – forget Toriel.

"Past these doors lies the rest of the Underground. If you choose to leave the Ruins, I cannot guarantee you can return. These doors cannot be opened from the outside. I… while I do not want you to leave, I do want you to be able to achieve your dreams… unlike so many of us monsters. We cannot do what we dream of, being trapped under this mountain. Go, and live your dream for me." Toriel said, tears soaking into the soft fur of her cheek.

She embraced you tightly, as if this was the last time she would see you alive. The thought made your heart plummet, but you knew she was right. You needed to go and find your way home, so you could finally live your dream.

As you walked through the doors, you heard another sob before it was swept away with the chilled wind. The doors clicked shut, much more quietly than two large stone doors should have been able too.

Steeling your nerves, you realized something strange. While there was snow on the ground and the air had a definite chill, you weren't getting cold. Your slippers weren't getting wet and you couldn't see your breath.

While it was startling, you reasoned with yourself that it was just monster magic. You carefully made your way thought the snow, being careful to step over the large fallen branch that was in the way. You saw a small bridge up ahead, but the railing went across the middle rather than along the sides. As you got closer, you saw the poles of the railing were so far apart you could easily walk through without having to turn your shoulder at all.

Just as you were about to step onto the bridge, you felt your muscle tense up. You were frozen, and your heart started hammering painfully.

"Turn around… and shake… my hand." A deep voice said behind you, painfully slow. You had no control over your movement as you spun around and stuck your hand out. The figure was shrouded by shadows. All you could see was a single iris, blue and seemingly on fire.

Their hand reached out towards yours and you saw bone fingers. Just as your heart was about to explode from fear, they stepped into the light. They actually weren't scary at all, you realized.

He was shorter than you, just barely. Despite being a straight up skeleton, he had soft white lights in his eye sockets and a big friendly grin stretched across his face. He took your hand and the area was filled with a farting sound. You looked at him, shocked, before snickering. His grin widened even more at the faint sound of your laughter.

"I'm Sans. Sans the skeleton." He said, retracting his hand. "So you're a human, huh? That's hilarious." His chuckled deeply, his laugh causing you to relax a little. You told him your name, not sure how to feel around this strange being. He was wearing long, baggy pants, a baggy jacket and a hat with a pair of sneakers. He reminded you of those hip hop dancers you saw during those street dance competitions.

"Heh, well I'm too lazy for a dance off right now, but if you come across my Bro you better get ready kid. He's a dancing fanatic! Actually, I think that's him up ahead." Sans said, glancing over your shoulder. You heard a loud voice echo through the area. "Come on, follow me. There's this conveniently shaped lamp up ahead that I think you'd love."

* * *

"Nyeh heh heh!" Papyrus crowed, striking a pose. He wore tight black pants and a flowing white shirt. "Are you ready human?"

You nodded and plastered your 'performance smile' on your face. He struck another pose, this time he had one hand above his head and the other across his chest. Music began to play in the clearing, its fast guitar strumming kicking up a frantic beat.

Papyrus' dancing was a lot of sharp movements and snaps. You tried copying his motions, but you were too used to the regimented ballet form to be able to do it properly. He stomped in time and gave a flourish, looking to you expectantly.

You panicked a little, but your muscle memory kicked in. You kept with the fast beat of his music and did what you did best. You took his movements and turned them into something that was your own. His sharp movements were turned into something more elegant, his stomps turned into light touches of toes.

The skeleton joined in, taking your hand and spinning you around. Your bodies moved perfectly in time with the music, Papyrus helping you swing your hips the right way. He spun you this way and that, twisting you under his arm and twirling you back into his chest. Finally, you spun away and did a grandé jeté leap, landing in a perfect fifth position.

Papyrus watched in awe as you stuck the landing and grinned. As the music faded away, you could hear yourself panting at the effort it took to complete the challenge.

The skeleton came up to you, towering a good two feet above you. He knelt in front of you and handed you a red rose with a grand flourish.

"I, The Great Papyrus, am great enough to admit defeat! As a token of your victory, I shall give you this trophy!" He said with grandeur. You took the rose with a smile and wrapped your arms around his neck. "Oh my! Human! You are panting! Come, come rest at my home."

You followed him, letting the cold air dry your forehead. It was surprisingly normal in his house, and you saw Sans leaning up against the wall, grinning casually.

"Oh hey there bro." He dipped the brim of his cap down to you. "And human. You both look danced out."

"That we are brother! The human was a respectable adversary! Maybe even to your own caliber!" Papyrus exclaimed loudly. Sans blushed as you shot him an interested look.

"You dance too Sans?" You asked, which was a little redundant. All monsters danced, the only difference being the genre.

"Yeah but I'm not that good." He gave a sheepish smile when Papyrus threw something at his head. You saw the fork stick into the wall with fear and concern, but to Sans it appeared to be a normal day in the skeleton household.

"He is just being shy!" Papyrus exclaimed. "Sans is one of the best dancers I know! He doesn't think so though, because he's the only one to dance in that style." He said matter-of-factly.

"What do you mean the only one?" You asked, wanting to know more about the monster culture. Papyrus seemed more than happy to explain. He sat you down on the couch while Sans went into the kitchen and started clinking things around.

"There are four distinct sections of the Underground. Snowdin, Waterfall, Hotlands and the Capital. Each area has a specific type of dace that we do – kind of like different cultures. Each sections assigns a 'Master' of the area. That monster is the one that is most adept at the particular dance style." Papyrus puffed a little, a large smile on his face. "Of course, I have been the Snowdin Master for eight years in a row! No one can match the Great Papyrus's stamina, skills and excitement!"

"So each area has a special kind of dance, and that's what everyone does in that area?" You asked, trying to clarify. Papyrus nodded enthusiastically.

"Snowdin has been known for its fast tempos. Some call it "Salsa" but there really are no specific terms because every monster has their own take of the dance. Waterfall is more about footwork and kicks and the like. Hotlands is definitely Jazz, which had several styles. The Capital is much more formal, ballroom and waltzing and such."

"That's…" You were speechless. "That's amazing." You breathed. You could feel your eyes shining at the prospect of seeing all the different dances. Sans came back with some food and chucked at the look on your face.

"Here kid. Eat up and rest a while. It's gonna be tiring once you leave Snowdin." He handed you the plate and ruffled your head. You smile and take the plate, feeling at home with these two strange monsters.

* * *

You ran away, your slippers making it hard to run on the dock. Undyne was chasing after you with no hesitation. You felt a glowing spear rip through your tights. The thin fabric tore and left a huge hole on your thigh.

You were cornered. There was nowhere left to run. Turning to face the woman, you felt your face pale. Undyne really was a force to be reckoned with. Close to six feet of muscle and teeth and determination. When she cornered you, you were instantly drawn into an encounter.

She instantly started attacking, something you weren't used to. Most of the monsters were more interested in dancing and sharing stories. Only a handful actually fought.

You tried dancing, tried showing her you meant no harm. She hesitated but continued her assault. Her spear hit your side, your blood soaking your leotard. The sudden pain caused you to stumble, and there as suddenly a spear sticking out of your chest.

You gave a horrified gasp before everything went black.

* * *

"…hey!" I familiar voice was calling to you. Sitting up, you blinked and rubbed your head. You were back in Snowdin, in front of the Inn. Sans was crouching next to you, looking concerned. He put out a hand to help you up.

"H-hey Sans." You said shakily. He grimaced and started walking with you.

"Undyne I'm guessing?" he said. You nodded and he grimaced again. "You know what? I'm feeling kind of hungry. You wanna come get some food with me?"

"Um, sure." You responded, not expecting an offer for a lunch date. Sans let you to a bar next to his house called 'Grillby's'. He led you right up to the bar, and you had never seen the skeleton so at ease. Not even at his own house, you realized.

"Hey Grillbz." Sans greeted with a lazy wave. The fire monster behind the counter crackled warmly. You giggled to yourself a little at the fire pun you made to yourself. Sans just looked at you oddly but didn't question it. Looking through the menu, you order the same this Sans did, a burger and fries.

"Thanks for inviting me to lunch Sans." You said. He just shrugged and grinned.

"Eh, I figured you could use a break after what you just went through." The lights in his eyes disappeared completely, startling you. "Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about something. Undyne is… well Undyne is an enigma. Waterfall is known for its traditional dancing. Humans call it 'Irish' but us Monsters don't quite get the name.

"So anyway, Undyne was a star when she was a kid. Was the best dancer in all of Waterfall. She was destined to be the Master of Waterfall since she was a child. One day, she had a terrible accident. She couldn't do those fancy hops and jumps she was so proud of. It destroyed her, not being able to dance anymore. Asgore, the king, saw that without that, Undyne had nothing to live for. Instead of appointing her the dance Master, he trained her in combat. She completed that training with flying colors too, of course. She was made the first official member of the Guard. Because of her, any monster that cannot dance has the opportunity to do something with their lives."

"That's awful…" You said, horrified. You could never imagine your life if you couldn't do what you loved.

"That's why she's going so hard on ya." Sans said quietly. "She's jealous that you can dance and she can't. Don't take it to heart though. I've known that monster for most of her life, and she's actually pretty cool. Just…" The food came, distracting you momentarily. "Go easy on her kid."

* * *

Lunch with Sans was actually a lot of fun. He made some awful puns, but the food was amazing. All too soon, however, you were back on your way to fight Undyne. The thought of facing her spears again made your heart quicken, but you knew you needed to face her in order to make it some and reach your dream.

"I am not going to go easy on – wait… this seems familiar somehow." Undyne looked confused for a split second before grinning again and started to charge.

"WAIT!" You yelled, getting an idea on how both of you could get through this. Undyne paused, shocked that you yelled at her. "I have a proposition for you Undyne. I know why you're doing this, and I want to help."

"What are you talking about?" She growled. You had to keep yourself from flinching at the tone of her voice.

"I know that you were hurt, and can't do jumps anymore. Well, I have an idea." You said quickly, wanting to get her attention before she decided to attack again.

"Go on…" She said stiffly, her spears disappearing.

"I-it's something I learned at school." You said, preparing yourself for a performance. "It's called lyrical dance. It's a lot of symbolic movements rather than definite, regimented steps. I… I think you could have a lot of fun with it." You were so nervous. One wrong word and you were sure she would stab you through the heart again.

"Symbolic movement?" She asked skeptically.

"Yeah! Say the music has a swell. You could do a lot with your arms and upper body. When the music gets soft you do soft moves. When the music picks up you get more energetic. You tell a story rather than just dance." You could feel your palms sweat under her intense stare. Undyne glared at you for a few more seconds, and you were sure you were as good as dead.

Suddenly, she bursts out laughing, her throaty cackling echoing loudly through the cave. She wiped a tear from her good eyes and grinned down at you.

"You're not so bad kid." She said, her armor magically disappearing. Honestly, it wasn't the most shocking thing you've seen on your adventure so far. "Yeah, I was hurt pretty badly when I was younger, but I managed to recover. Between you and me, I faked being extra hurt for a long time. I never really liked dancing, especially the Waterfall kind. It just… never fit me.

"When the king started training me in combat, I finally found something I was good at that I actually liked doing! He caught on pretty soon though. I thought he was going to kick me out for lying about it, but he was actually really understanding! He told me I could keep working with the Guard and they would find another Master for Waterfall." She said with a grin. "The fact that you were willing to make up an entirely new genre for me really says something about you, punk."

"Well, it's not made up-" You tried to explain, but you realized it was a lost cause trying to correct her. "I-I'm happy that you found what you loved to do." And you really were. Not everyone gets the chance to find what they're good at. Undyne somehow grinned wider and messed your hair up with her fist.

"Since we're here, you might as well show me what you got!" She said loudly. She definitely reminded you of Papyrus. You took a deep breath and performed your audition routine, making sure every step was flawless.

* * *

"Now darling, can you handle this?" You were exhausted. Mettaton was definitely a force to be reckoned with. While jazz tended to be close to ballet in form, Mettaton's jazz was so much faster than you were used to.

His feet moved at a thousand miles per second, going from a turn to a piqué to an attitude in eight counts. Honestly, he was one of the best dancers you've seen. The energy, the passion… it almost rivaled your own.

He started a new challenge combination. Step right, immediately into an attitude as you turned. He did a trick step, switching his weight from his right foot to his let so he could do a layout.

You copied his challenge perfectly, adding your own flare to it, pointing your toes and doing the turn with a relevé rather than a flat foot. You gracefully copied the trick step and did a perfect layout, holding your core so tightly you didn't even shake a little.

Mettaton took a step back, letting you show your challenge combination. Boré, changement, chassé, pas de bourrée. A simple combination really. It was something you learned back in your Ballet 3 class as a child, but you were running low on energy.

The robot was able to copy you with ease, adding extra hip and sass to each movement. He must have seen what state you were in, because he paused.

"We can't have a true dance battle on LIVE TELEVISION with one competitor unable to dance! That would simply kill ratings! We will have an intermission." He clapped his hands twice and suddenly the lights went dim.

He walked over and handed you a water bottle and a towel. You accepted gratefully and drank half of it on three gulps.

"You're doing quite marvelously out there darling! Where did you learn to move like that?" He didn't sound winded in the slightest, but you guessed that's what you got when you were a robot. You wiped your mouth and regulated your breathing, just like you were taught.

"I've been dancing my whole life actually. I started when I was three years old." You said proudly. His eyes widened in shock.

"My, my, my! That's quite impressive! The only thing that's more impressive is how easily you beat my challenges." Mettaton said with a raised eyebrow and a smirk.

"Well, I took a few years of jazz when I was a teenager. I've found that the moves and the movements are similar to ballet. I … well I actually liked jazz better than ballet." You said with a smile. "I liked the fast paced music and movements a lot more than the methodical ballet moves. But there's no New York City Jazz." You laughed, but Mettaton didn't seem to understand the joke. He chuckled lightly though, and took a step back.

"Well, darling, ready to go again?" He asked, clapping his hands to turn the lights back on without waiting your response. You felt the energy return to your legs as the music started up again. With a grin and a pose, Mettaton started the challenges up again.

His next combination was even longer and more difficult than any of the previous ones. You made the smallest mistake – you landed on your right foot instead of your left – and a bomb exploded next to you.

You barely dodged the explosion, only to walk into another one, and another one. You were completely thrown of the beat of the song. Mettaton clapped and the explosions stopped. He came over with a wide grin.

"Darling, you couldn't possibly believe after what you told me I would go easy on you! Now, whenever you mess up, a bomb goes off! How exciting! There's no way the entire Undergound won't be watching after this!" He laughed like an anime character – probably something Alphys programed in during development.

You swallowed thickly and felt your fear skyrocket. Dancing _and_ explosives? You took a deep breath and tried again, making sure to land every step perfectly. You didn't set off another bomb during that challenge.

You decided to up the difficulty in the next round. You gave it your all, using the most difficult combinations from your audition routine. You could see Mettaton's eyes widen as he watched your moves and felt a sense of pride.

He started the combinations with extra finesse, letting his hips swing, doing double instead of single turns. He was _too_ cocky, and missed a step. A bomb went off to his left, causing his arm to be blown off.

You let out a cry of horror at the sight of the metal limb flying away, but he simply gave a tight laugh and posed again.

"Something like this can't keep me from impressing the masses!" He tried again, only to make another mistake. His right arm was blown off too, causing him to falter and fall to his knee. "W-who needs arms with legs like these?" He asked, pain obviously lacing his voice.

"Mettaton…" You said softly. You dropped your pose and rushed over to him. "I c-can call Alphys… or s-something." You rambled, afraid something bad would happen if he wasn't fixed soon. You rushed around, collecting the arms and the wire pieces that came loose during the explosions.

"Why are you helping me?" He asked softly. It scared you how quiet he was being.

"Because we're friends, and I can't let a friend suffer." You were frantically dialing Alphys' number. As soon as she picked up, you were babbling.

"I-I'll be there a-as soon as I c-c-can." She said and hung up quickly. You sat next to Mettaton and did what you could to help him. It was obvious he was in pain, but you did your best.

"Thank you, darling, for staying and helping me…" He said quietly. You placed your hand on his leg in a comforting manner and smiled at him.

"No problem Mettaton. I had to make sure you'd be okay. You can't dance without your arms after all." You smiled at him. Alphys finally appears, frantically fluttering around the robot, her claw delicately prodding wires and carefully picking up the metal limbs.

"Thanks f-f-for calling me. M-mettaton would h-h-have been t-toast if h-he had kept g-g-going the way he w-was." Alphys said to you, smiling shyly.

"Do you need any help?" You asked, eager to help Mettaton. Alphys just shook her head and waved you off.

"I'm f-fine. It's actually e-easier working a-alone… Besides, don't you have someone to meet up with?" she asked, as if she knew something you didn't. You looked at her, confused, but she just turned around and carried Mettaton's spare parts.

"Thank you Darling." Mettaton paused behind Alphys. "Be careful out there… not everyone will be as sweet as you… and they'll try to take advantage of you." He said, completely serious. You just nod and smile faintly at him as he walked away.

* * *

"Once you go through that door, you'll be facing the king." Sans' voice was deep and menacing. "I'm here as… a judge of sorts. I'm supposed to look back at all the things you did, all the monster you talked to, and the dances you danced, and judge you as a person." His hands were shoved deep in his pockets, eye sockets dark. The brim of his hat covered his face in a menacing shadow.

"Sans, what are you talking about?" You asked, scared. You had never seen Sans like this before, and it was honestly freaking you out.

"I mean, let's hope you didn't do anything wrong." A single blue iris burst to life, lighting up his face, making the ridges of his face sharper and more intense. Suddenly, your soul was brought out, the small heart floating towards Sans' outstretched hands.

He took your soul gently and brought it up to his face. His grin dropped and your soul was suddenly surrounded by blue fire. It didn't hurt but it was shocking to say the least. It was like he was searching for something, but his smile softened as the soul floated back into your chest. He sighed and stepped aside.

"Good job kid. You really are the most innocent being in the Underground." He said, jokingly sarcastic. "Just… be careful in there. Asgore is strong. Stronger than Undyne by a thousand times. And he isn't the dancing kind of monster either. He's going to fight, and it's going to be tough. You gotta stay determined, alright kid?" Sans said, almost pleadingly.

You felt yourself tearing up, his concern making you want to turn around and never face the monster king. Instead, you threw yourself at him, wrapping your arms around his neck and hugging him tightly. He seemed shocked, but hesitantly hugged you back.

"Thank you Sans… and if I don't see you again, thank Papyrus and everyone for me? You all helped me get to this point." You smiled at him, but his return smile seemed too tense to be completely real.

"Good luck kid…" And he was gone. Your hands dropped down as the last hint of blue magic faded from the area. You turned and face the door at the end of the hall, steeling your nerves for the final battle.

* * *

"I do not want to fight you, child, but I will do what I must to save my people." Asgore said heavily. He destroyed your mercy option, leaving you no choice but to act or fight. Out of desperation, you attacked, but you barely did ten damage to the king's almost infinite health.

Asgore struck, destroying half of your meager health in one blow. You fell to one knee, feeling yourself start to shake. He looked as remorseful as you, but that didn't stop him from attacking. You only managed to dodge another two attacks before he struck again. He left you with three health.

You tried acting, but he wasn't listening. It was like he had tuned off all moral thinking. He was in fight mode, and nothing was going to get past him. You dodged again, rolling and jamming your ankle painfully.

You let out a cry of pain, causing Asgore to hesitate, but it wasn't enough. His weapon pierced you through the chest, causing blood to trickle from your lips. You saw his face fall slightly as your vision went black.

* * *

You were back in the judgment hall, the light filtering softly through the amber windows. Sans was standing there again, his grin the farthest thing from easy going.

"Hey kid. You look like you've seen a ghost." He said with a tight smile." Asgore isn't going to be an easy battle… but you look like you already learned that."

"Sans…" You said, not sure what to say. Before you could say anything, Sans spoke again.

"But hey, it's not like you already fought him or anything." He said with a wink. You grimace but didn't correct him. "Be careful in there kid."

You felt your hands start to shake at the thought of facing the monster king again. You went to move past Sans, towards the final door. At the last second, you fell into him, letting him catch you. You were shaking too hard to walk.

"It's okay kid. Just breathe. You're strong, remember that. Look at all you've done so far on this adventure. You got this… there's nothing to be afraid of." He whispered into your ear, his deep voice calming you down greatly.

Your shaking stopped as he slowly helped you stand. You wiped your face and looked him in the eye sockets.

"Thanks Sans…" You said. He just waved you off and moved to lean up against a pillar.

"You go have fun kid. I'll just be here taking a nap." He said, sliding down to the ground and instantly falling asleep. You smiled at him and went into the throne room.

Asgore went through the same speech, asking if you were ready, really ready, to fight. He offered you a final chance to finish what you needed to. You saw his kind face flash, your memory showing the vicious face from the last fight, causing you to panic.

Blindly, you rushed out of the throne room, the scent of golden flowers disappearing as you went through the door. You let yourself take a deep breath after the door closed, only to hold it when you heard music.

Looking towards the middle of the room, you saw Sans standing dead center, hands in his pockets and hood up. His sneakered foot tapped the tiles in time with the music that seemed to come out of everywhere and no were at the same time.

He started dancing, his back still to you. He dropped down and popped back up, feet in second position. He slid his left foot into his right, bringing his arms above his head. He jumped back to second and popped his shoulders in time to the music.

He jumped with his right foot in front and did a low turn going right into an elbow pull. He did his whole dance while facing away from you. His movements were mesmerizing, so sharp and purposeful.

Papyrus was right, it really was nothing like anything in the Underground. It was hip-hop, and although you only took two years of it, a lot of his moves were very familiar to you. The music picked up speed, and Sans' moves became more frantic.

His style switched from more traditional hip-hop to break dancing. He did a one hand hand-stand and kicked his legs up high, ending the move in a spin. Somehow he managed to jump right back up and skid back on his right foot while kicking the left out.

He managed to slow the music down, his dancing slowing as well. He finally stopped, his panting the only sound in the long hallway. You started clapping, beyond impressed with his skills. He spun around and stared at you with a horrified expression.

"W-w-what are y-you-"He stuttered out, taking a step back. You saw his fear and tried giving him a comforting smile to calm him down.

"That was amazing Sans!" You cheered, taking a small step towards him. He chuckled uneasily and wiped some sweat from his forehead.

"It's nothing, um, special…" He said, looking down at his shoes.

"Why don't you ever dance in front of people?" You asked, genuinely curious why he didn't share his talent with others.

"My dancing… doesn't fit in." He said, scuffing his foot on the ground. "I don't really fit in. Skeleton monsters are a rarity, Paps being the only other one now. Pops… fell a long time ago, leaving us alone. He taught me this genre, to preserve the skeleton culture, but he left before he could teach Papyrus." He continued, looking sadder as he talked.

You moved forward, placing a hand on his upper arm in support. He sighed and smiled weakly at you.

"Most monsters don't understand why I have a different style. It… scares them? I don't know why. I guess we're just a species that can't understand change. I just… don't show anyone anymore. At this point they mostly assume I don't dance because I'm too lazy to, and I don't argue with that. It makes things easier." He said with a shrug.

"No!" You squeaked out, startling him. "I mean, you shouldn't let that stop you. From what I just saw, you're absolutely amazing. You shouldn't let a few monsters that don't understand keep you from doing what you love! Besides, if its skeleton culture, and you keep it to yourself, it'll die out completely! And wouldn't that be the worst thing to come out of it?" You continued, taking his hands.

"Heh, you think so kid?" He asked, not sounding convinced in the slightest.

"I saw the way Papyrus looked when he talked about your dancing. He looks up to you Sans. You should let him support you. Him, and Undyne and Grillby and everyone else. I'm sure they would accept you! You shouldn't have to lie to them… you deserve happiness too."

"You're pretty good at this motivational speaking thing." He said with a chuckle. He took a step back, letting his hands fall to his sides. "Maybe you're right… You would fit better as a teacher. Performing is fun an all, but you have real talent… listen kid, the king and his queen had a special song, one they would always dance too. Maybe you could convinced Asgore to go easy on you." He explained, the lights in his eyes seemed to be begging you to stay safe.

"Thank you Sans.' You said with a smile. You gave him another hug, letting him be the one to let go. You never know how badly someone needs a hug. As you pulled away, he shrugged off his jacket and placed in over your shoulders like a cape. He was wearing a large white shirt with a colorful design underneath.

"Remember us kid…" He said, but didn't explain what he meant. As soon as he said that, he disappeared completely, like the first time you talked to him in the judgment hall. A small wisp of blue magic twisted through the air and tickled your nose.

You smiled, feeling more ready to face Asgore than ever before. You turned on your heel and went through the throne room doors again. The scent of golden flowers hit you like a brick wall, making your courage disappear as quickly as it came.

Asgore turned to face you, and you wanted to run, but you needed to make it home. For Toriel, for Papyrus, for Sans and Undyne and Mettaton and everyone else.

You were brought back in front of the barrier, and your mercy option destroyed, just like the first time. You act first, telling Asgore he already killed you once.

Asgore just nodded sadly and attacked. Being a little more prepared, you dodged and managed to keep all your health. Sans' jacket almost flew off your shoulders, so you tied the arms around your neck to keep it in place.

You remembered the tune Toriel hummed throughout your stay with her. Thanks to your ear for music, you remembered it perfectly. You hummed it at first, and the light melody caused Asgore to pause.

Encouraged by his reaction, you began to sing out loud, your voice swelling and moving with the music. You began dancing, just like Toriel taught you. Asgore stopped completely when he realized what you were doing. As if in a trance, he watched you dance and sing.

"Toriel…" he whispered, tears gathering in the corners of his eyes. He dropped his weapon, the metal making a horrid sound as it crashed down. Asgore fell to one knee, muttering under his breath. You stopped singing. "Child… I- I cannot excuse my behavior in any way. What I did was… monstrous. While I cannot ask you to forgive me, I can do one thing though." He looked up at you, his soft face back again. "I can offer you a home. Stay with me, I can give you a home, and all the love you could need… we could be a family…" He offered, looking at you with wide, hopeful eyes.

You were so tempted, his offering sounded perfect. You could stay in the Underground, stay with your friends… but you remembered the promise you made to Toriel. You took a step back and looked at Asgore with a tearful expression.

"I'm sorry… as much I as would absolutely love to… I made a promise, and I have to keep it." You said, a single tear dripping down your face. Asgore's expression fell, but he didn't push it. He stood, towering over you again and stepping aside.

You passed by him and gave him a smile before placing your hand against the barrier. You felt something – magic or electricity or what, you didn't know – and you were suddenly-

* * *

You woke up disoriented. There was loud beeping in your ear and a faint throbbing in your wrist. Your whole neck and back hurt like you were run over by a truck. Opening your eyes, all you saw as white. Looking around, you realized you were in a hospital.

A machine beeped, signaling someone that you were awake. Within second, a nurse came bustling in. She was tall, with a warm smile and silver blonde hair. She came over and checked a machine before turning to you.

"Hello, dear. My name is Tori. I'm your nurse. If you can bear with a few tests, we can get you some food, alright?" She asked, checking her clipboard. You nob numbly, feeling tears building in your eyes. Was it all just a dream?

"W-what happened?" You asked, your throat sore for some reason. You thought maybe it had been because of what had happened in the Underground, but what Nurse Tori said next made your heart skip a beat.

"You were in an accident… You've been in a medically induced coma for three days. It would be best for the doctor to explain the details though." She tapped something and you felt a sharp pain in your wrist. Looking down, you saw there was an IV sticking out of your skin.

Just before you could freak out and rip the IV out, another person came in the room. He was obviously the doctor, just by how he held himself. He was tall, at least six foot four. He had short blonde hair and tired looking eyes. He also had faint scars on his face, one going up over his right eye and one going down under his left.

"Hello! Good to see you awake." He said with a smile. "My name is Doctor Gaster. You had quite the accident… You are quite lucky to be alive." Your heart stopped.

"Will I be okay though? I have to be able to join the New York Ballet. I made a promise to-" You cut yourself off, realizing you would just sound crazy if you told them about your adventures. You felt tears spill over, the reality finally crashing down on you.

None of the friends you made were real. Sans, Papyrus, Undyne… even Mettaton. None of them were real, and they never were real. A sob ripped its way through your chest.

"You will recover. However, we had to do some serious surgery to enable you to be able to walk again." Gaster said with a sad smile, he handed you a tissue, and gave you some space.

"What kind of surgery?" You asked, despite having a sinking feeling that you knew what it was. There was an unnatural stiffness to your neck, as if you were wearing a brace. You tried turning your head to the side, but you found you couldn't move it more than an inch or two in either direction. Cold realization sunk in.

"We had to fuse your neck to your spine. While it saved you, it limits your movement considerably. I'm afraid it would be physically impossible to dance with the New York Ballet… I'm sorry…" Gaster said with genuine remorse.

"No… no, no, no… this can't be happening! I promised Toriel! Papyrus is counting on me to reach my dreams! I can't fail them…" Another sob broke up your words. "I c-can't disappoint them…"

"Who are Toriel and Papyrus?" Gaster asked, not as if asking an insane child about their imaginary friends, but rather like an adult asking another adult about their acquaintances.

"It's a long story…" You said sheepishly. You didn't want him to think you were crazy and send you to a psyc ward.

"We have a little time before your dinner arrives." He said warmly. "May I sit?" He asked, gesturing to the bed. You nod and he sat, the mattress dipping down under his weight.

You told him everything that happened. From waking up in the field of flowers to Flowey, to meeting Toriel. You told him about Snowdin and Waterfall and Hotlands and the capital. About Papyrus and Undyne and Mettaton and how you danced for them. About Sans, how you got him to accept a part of himself that he never wanted to accept.

You told him everything, all the details burned in absolute HD behind your eyelids. You couldn't help cry as you remembered your adventure. It was as if all your friends were dead. They couldn't really be dead, because they were never really there to begin with.

It still hurt though.

Gaster just sat there, not taking notes or psychoanalyzing you in anyway, which made you feel better. When you finished your story, Gaster made a noise in the back of his throat and excused himself, leaving you with your thoughts.

He came back a few moments later, carrying two trays. While hospital food is never good, the food on the tray seemed fairly edible. He sat back down and handed you a tray. He stared eating from the other one, which confused you at first. You realize he must be trying to make you feel more comfortable around him.

"There's something I meant to tell you, before you started telling me about your adventure. When you were brought in, your clothing was completely destroyed. When you were brought into the emergency room, the nurses found a blue jacket covering you. No one knew how it got there, but when the nurses tried removing it, you woke up.

"You said something… "Sans" I believed is what the report said you mumbled. As soon as they replaced the jacket, you fell back unconscious." He said, placing his tray aside. Moving to the other side of the bed, he opened one of the draws and pulled out a familiar blue jacket.

He handed it to you, and you could barely hold it in your shaking fingers. It was real… the fabric rough against your touch. You brought it up to your face and inhaled. Almost choking on the tears that built up at the nostalgia of the scent.

You brought it up to your cheek and snuggled your face into the fabric, letting yourself remember, not bothering to question how. You missed the doctor's knowing glance.

A slip of paper fell from the pocket. It was small, as if someone had ripped a piece of notebook paper in half. The writing was oddly squat, like an annoying font on a Word document.

 _Teaching would best suit your skills. Remember us, because we'll remember you._

There was no signature, but you knew exactly who had written the note. You held the note up to your chest and cried, a smile on your face the whole time.

* * *

"And a one, and a two, and a three." You counted as the girls danced down the studio. You were old now, almost sixty years have passed since your incident in the Underground. You were devastated, that's for certain, but what Sans told you reminded you of your passion.

It wasn't performing solely. It was dancing as an art. It took a while to get through rehabilitation and therapy and recovery, and it took years to save up enough to buy your studio, but in the end it was all worth it. Underground Dance Studio, run and owned by you.

You sat on your stool, watching the new generation of dancers learn and hone their skills. Sixty years since the accident, and forty-five years molding young minds.

Sans was right. Teaching definitely suited you better. You smiled to yourself as you tried to picture the condescending face he would make at you if you told him he was right. Though a lifetime had passed, the memories of the Underground were as vivid as the day you woke up in that hospital room.

One of the little girls came up to you. This was the five year old class, where they learned ballet and started learning the basics of jazz. When you opened your studio, you included all the dances you learned from your friends, and taught the children the way your friends taught you. That was one reason your studio was so popular. You had the most unique forms of dance in the world.

You turned to look at the child, wincing at the stiffness in your neck and the soreness of your hip. The years had not been kind.

"Miss? Why do you always wear that jacket?" She asked, her short hair in wild pigtails. You looked down at the worn jacket, the elbows worn almost completely through and more than a few stiches held it together. You had taken better care of it than yourself over the years.

"A very dear friend gave it to me. It gave me the courage I needed to recover from an accident and open my studio. It is my most prized possession." You said fondly. The little girl looked at the threadbare jacket with complete wonder in her eyes. "Now, back in line dear. We're learning something new today."

As she ran back to her spot, you heard a voice echo through your mind.

 _Don't forget us._

You just smiled and shook your head a little. You could never forget them.

* * *

The darkness was suffocating. You couldn't remember how you got there, nor where you were at all. You looked down and thought your heart was going to give out.

You held your hands out, looking at the smooth skin with awe and fear. The wrinkles, the scars, the marks… all gone. You looked around, realizing your neck wasn't stiff at all.

You looked at what you were wearing, pink tights and a black leotard. You heard a sound in front of you and looked up. The darkness started fading, showing a familiar scene. Snow, lights, a group of people.

"Welcome back human!"  
"Took your time punk!"

"Welcome home child."

You took slow steps towards the group. Papyrus, Undyne, Asgore. Everyone was there. You walked right into their arms, too overwhelmed to speak.

"It's good to see you again." Sans said, smiling warmly. "Glad to see you followed my advice. You really helped those kids. You passed your talent on to other generations… now you can come home. We've been waiting for you."  
"Wait, does that mean-?" You realized.

"Yeah, you finished your time with the humans, and now it's our time to love you." Sans said, gently punching you in the arm.

You were home.

* * *

 **Dancetale! This is actually the story (Kind of) of my own dance teacher. She was destined to dance in New York but was in an accident. They had to fuse her neck to her spine, destroying that dream. Instead, she opened her own studio and to this day is still doing what she loves. She turns ninety this year, and is going for hip replacement surgery next month. Better believe that isn't slowing her down in the slightest.**

 **I'm so glad there was so much feedback for this chapter already! I didn't know dancetale was such a popular AU! I wish I could have written out the dance scenes a little better, but even though I've been dancing for sixteen years, I barely know any actual terms. Also, it's easy to just write the names down. It's nigh impossible to write them out so someone reading could picture the movements at all… so I'm sorry if the dance scenes seem… fake?**

 **This is definitely the longest chapter (Over 8k words!) and I don't think there will be any as long as this for a while, but the chapters will definitely be coming out a little faster because my spring break started today!**

 **I took a few liberties with the AU. I don't know everything about it, other than Mettaton being jazz, Papyrus being latin and Sans being hip hop. I worked with the dance genres I know best to make it seem like I know what I'm talking about.**

 **This really doesn't follow the average format, but overall is does kind of. The reader cannot dance, and therefore is heartbroken. Sans' advice gave them the courage to keep going to do what they loved to do for the rest of their lives. I think it's pretty hurt/comfort.**

 **If you have any questions about chapters – like if something happened that I didn't explain or plot points I never actually tied up, questions about life, etc don't hesitate to message me! If you need advice or just want to talk, I'm here.**

 **I think that's about it for now.**

 **Until next time!**

 **~Starlight**


	41. Schools In - depression

**Warnings- mentions of depression and suicidal thoughts**

* * *

"Hmm… I think I should get a haircut soon." You said, messing with the ends of your hair, which were starting to get a little long. You thought about who would be able to help, because you couldn't trim it yourself without messing up. Maybe Muffet? You shuddered a little of the thought of the spider near your head with scissors.

"Hair… cut…?" Papyrus asked skeptically.

"Yeah? You have to trim it when it grows out." You said as if explaining that rain falls from the sky. Both Sans and Papyrus stared at you with wide, horrified eyes.

"It _grows?"_ Sans asked, aghast. You couldn't help but snort at his expression.

"What did you think? That I was born with my hair like this?" You asked, amused.

"Well…" Sans started, sounding defensive.

"I guess skeletons wouldn't know about human workings…" You mused to yourself. "Is there… anything else you want to know about humans?" You asked, wondering just how much you were going to have to explain to them.

"Oh! I have a question!" Papyrus jumped to his feet and rushed over to you. You nodded at him, waiting for his question. "How are human babies made?!"

You felt your face flush and Sans just chuckled.

* * *

"And that's how babies are made, _sans_ some of the more gruesome details." You said, winking at the shorter skeleton. You had explained conception, how the zygote grows, how the hands are made, how the baby is born. It took you hours and you didn't even tell thim everything.

Sans surprisingly not only stayed awake, but seemed even more interested in the science behind it than Papyrus.

"That sounds… quite painful!" Papyrus said after a moment of consideration. You laughed and agreed.

"Yeah, it's one of the most painful thing a female human can go through." You said with a slight smirk. Papyrus sat back with an awed expression.

"Wowie…" He said, eyes practically sparkling. "Humans are so strong!" He explained, jumping to his feet. He said something about telling Undyne, but he said it so fast he was practically out the door before it registered what he said.

"Do you have any questions?" You asked Sans in a joking tone. He nodded, his face completely serious, and you were a little surprised he didn't have a notebook and pencil in hand.

You could already tell this was going to be a long day.

* * *

"Alright, so if the sodium and the chloride by themselves are so volatile, _how are the edible together?"_ Sans asked, using one hand to scratch his head and the other to gesture wildly with confusion. You giggled at his enthusiasm.

Ever since you proved to have at least a high school understanding of chemistry and biology, Sans had been hounding you nonstop about the finer points of just about everything. Papyrus, on the other hand, was more interested in Human culture, like holidays and day-to-day rituals.

"I don't actually remember exactly why." You said with an apologetic smile. "I just know that something about the combination of the elements turns them into salt."

"Wow…" He said breathlessly. You just laughed again. He was silent for a few seconds, and you were actually starting to enjoy the silence. "Okay, now…."

You prepare yourself for the next onslaught.

* * *

"Paps, could I have something to eat?" You asked trying to be polite. Your stomach growled again, making your patience thin a little. Papyrus tilted his head to the side in confusion.

"You ate just yesterday, did you not?" He asked, moving to the fridge to see if there was anything to make. You fought the urge to smack your forehead with the palm of your hand.

"Humans have to eat several times a day to survive. If we go too long without food we die." You explain.

"How often?" He asked, feeling a little guilty that he hadn't been feeding you like a good host would.

"Three times a day, sometimes more with snacks and stuff." You said, eyeing the leftovers from Grillby's. You had only eaten maybe four meals since staying with the skeleton brothers. You had been keeping yourself from starving from getting buns from the shop and fries from Grillby's every once in a while. You felt bad, making Papyrus cook for you all the time.

Papyrus somehow developed eyes in that moment, just so they could bug out in shock and horror.

"HUMAN! You have not been eating? That is bad! You are going to die!" He started crying, and you tried consoling him with gentle pats to the head and arm. Sans came in at the end of his brother's rant, confused.

"You dying kiddo? That's a bummer." He said with his usual grin. You narrow your eyes at him in a friendly manner as he kicked off his sneakers and jumped on the couch.

"I'm not actually dying. I just told Papyrus how often humans have to eat and he started over reacting." You gave the taller skeleton another gentle pap on the skull.

"Well, us monsters only really have to eat to restore our HP and magic. We can go weeks without needing to eat." Sans shrugged and used his magic to make the remote float up and over to him.

"Here you go human!" Papyrus said as he handed you the plate of hot leftovers. "And the Great Papyrus will make sure you do not die from lack of proper nutrition!" He exclaimed loudly.

Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea to teach them about humans….

* * *

"Human!" Papyrus bounced to your side. "Tell me more about human things!"

"Like what? I feel like I've already told you everything." You said with a fond smile. He pouted for a split second before perking back up again.

"Tell me more about those ride parks!" He said, practically vibrating with curiosity. He reminded you intensely of Temmie. You were confused for a second before you realized he meant theme parks.

"Well, there are usually long lines to get to the rides, but in the end it's totally worth it! Some go upside down and some go over a hundred miles per hour. Almost everything is wildly overpriced, but somehow kids still manage to convince their parents to buy them things." You told him about the last time you went to an amusement park.

You remembered your friends fondly, how they screamed on the coasters and insisted on eating a funnel cake right after. Papyrus seemed enthralled with your story.

"Wowie! Humans are… amazing! I hope to see one of these parks when we make it to the surface!" He said with complete sincerity. You felt a pang in your chest, because despite your best efforts, it seemed like breaking the barrier was impossible.

"Hehe yeah Paps… I'll take you to my favorite park as soon as we're free." You said with a guilty smile and a hard heart. Papyrus scooped you up in a hug, spinning you around joyfully. You were suddenly even more determined to save these monsters.

* * *

You mused silently that you always thought being a teacher could be fun. You always loved playing teacher as a child, grading imaginary tests and teaching your stuffed animals how to do basic addition and such.

As you sat on the couch, rubbing your temple in an attempt to calm a roaring headache, you started to rethink your ideas of teaching.

"Tell me about the stars again!"

"How does human genetics work?"

"I want to learn about clothing from around the world!"

"Why do certain chemicals affect the brain?"

"How many kinds of dogs are there?"

"How to human wounds heal?"

You couldn't take it anymore. It was like they only cared about what you could tell them about the Aboverground. They never spent any time with you anymore. Your movie nights were replaced with question and answer sessions. Meal time discussions were similar.

Even the other monsters were getting in on it. They had heard Papyrus flaunting his new found knowledge of humans, and came rushing to you with their own questions.

Long story short, you were exhausted and very short tempered.

"Would you guys just SHUT UP?" You didn't mean to yell, but your head was pounding and you could hear the blood rushing through your ears. Sans and Papyrus fell into a shocked silence, both staring at you with wide eye sockets, like a child that was scolded for nothing.

You immediately felt guilty for yelling, but it was too late. You hugged yourself and stood, moving around their shocked forms.

"I-I'm sorry. I'm tired…. I'll just go to bed." You said quietly, already beating yourself for snapping at them. Neither skeleton made a move to stop you, which just fueled your self-hatred. You went upstairs to the spare bedroom they set up for you.

With a heavy heart, you locked the door behind you for the first time and cried.

* * *

You were in such a rut. It had been two days since you snapped at the brothers. You came out of your room twice - both times only when you knew they were both out. You used the bathroom and got some water, but you couldn't bring yourself to shower or eat.

You felt dead, like how you felt before you threw yourself – no, you fell. At least, that's what you told everyone anyway.

A tear worked its way from your eyes as you buried your face in the pillow. You heard someone come home, but you couldn't tell who. The footsteps grew closer, and you really hoped they were going to just pass by your door.

Unfortunately, you didn't have the best luck. The footsteps stopped right in front of the door, and you could see something pink with fur sticking through the crack under the door.

"Knock knock." A voice said. So it was Sans, you thought numbly. You didn't respond. Sans opened the door, the lock standing no chance against a magical skeleton. He stepped into the room and closed the door behind him. "Um, you're supposed to say 'who's there'." He said, changing his voice in a mock impression of you.

You just turn around, facing away from him. You heard him sigh. Your bed dipped down as he sat on the mattress with you.

"Look kid, if you're still beating yourself up about what happened the other day, you shouldn't. It was our fault for pushing you so far. A person can only take so many questions before they snap." He said with a chuckle. His chuckle sounded forced.

You didn't turn around. Sans sighed again.

"Hey kid. How about I repay you some. Ask me anything." He said, pushing your shoulder so you were laying on your back. Your head lolled to the side to you were looking at him. It took a second to get the energy together.

"…Why…?" You asked, your voice raspy. Sans just looked at you for a second before seemingly deflating in on himself.

"Because we can't help how our brains work. Despite knowing all this technical junk, we don't know nothing about _why_." He started stroking your hair gently. "I'm so sorry kid… No one should ever feel this."

"I didn't fall." You said, just as quietly as before. Sans didn't seem to understand. "I didn't fall, like I said. I didn't trip and fall to the Undergound." You said again, with more emotion. Sans jerked his hand back as he stared to connect the dots.

"W-what are ya sayin kid?" He asked shakily. You sighed softly.

"I jumped. I wanted to die so badly I threw myself down the hole." You said. You gave a dry chuckle that chilled Sans down to his bones. "Imagine how I felt when I woke up, after everything I did to make sure I didn't…"

Before you knew it, Sans had scooped you up his arms, holding you close to his chest. He didn't say anything, just held you and rocked a little. You could feel him muttering against your hair, but you couldn't make out what his was saying.

This burst your dam. You found yourself crying into his chest, mumbling nonsense as you got your emotions out. You felt a pang of guilt when you realized you were getting snot all over his jacket. It didn't seem that he minded though.

"Hehe, looks like humans and monsters aren't so different after all." He said huskily with a choked sounding chuckle.

"I'm sorry Sans…" You said, your voice muffled by his jacket.

"Shhh, it's alright kiddo. Just let it all out." He rubbed your back comfortingly. "We've missed you. Papyrus has been making three meals a day, hoping you'd come down and forgive him."

"Forgive _him?"_ You asked, not sure what there was to forgive. Sans chuckled deeply again.

"He feels awful about hounding you all the time with his questions." He shifted so you were sitting next to him. "We both are."

"I'm sorry for snapping…" You whispered, feeling guiltier than ever.

"Stop apologizing… I can understand why you did. And I can relate..." His voice dropped in volume and energy.

You didn't move.

"I guess it's a little different for humans though. For monsters, it happens because our magic gets contaminated with negativity. It's tough to fix, cuz you have to cleanse the soul, then cleanse the mind. Most monsters don't like to talk about it, so they don't get help."

"That's kinda what it's like for humans too." You said with a little more life in your tone. You explained briefly about decreased dopamine levels and such.

"That sounds pretty scary kid." He said, letting you stand.

"Yeah, I guess." You mumble, feeling a little better after talking to the skeleton. "Thanks, I guess. For putting up with me…"

"I'd do it a thousand more times. Everyone needs someone to listen to them." He offered you a soft smile and stood himself. "Let's go get some of that food Paps made. He'll be super happy to see we've been chowing down."

As you followed him down the stairs, you had a thought.

Maybe humans and monsters weren't so different after all.

* * *

 **I'm really sorry for this. I have so many suggestions for legit problems, but I keep writing shit about mild depression and stuff. If you don't follow the tumblr, I've been feeling kinda bad lately. As soon as my spring break started, I couldn't really get out of bed or eat. The fact I was able to get this written is already a type of miracle. I have evenings free all next week as well, so I should hopefully make up for the lack of updates eventually. Please forgive my not-so-up to standards writing the last few chapters. I know a few have been a little disappointed with the subjects I've chosen, and I really do hope to make it up to you soon!**

 **Thank you everyone for being so supportive. I know I say it every time, but I really do mean it. I feel like Markiplier at his milestone videos… it's just so overwhelming that so many people are not only willing to read what I write, but also draw art and send such amazing messages… I never thought I would come this far, and it's all thanks to you.**

 **Hopefully after this I'll start with some actual quality plot, but no promises. Everything I promise, I ironically end up breaking that promise.**

 **Until next time!**

 **~Starlight**


	42. I'm a Fighter - Cancer - suicide

**Warnings- suicide attempt, cancer, human AU**

* * *

The doctor's words rang in your ears. You tried to pretend it wasn't true, but the evidence was staring you right back in the face, a metaphorical middle fingers in the air.

You had been cleared almost two years ago. You were supposed to be free. The first round with cancer almost destroyed you. The pain, the hospitals, the medications. You barely survived.

Now you learned that not only is it back, but it's moved to another part of your body. A more dangerous part. It was if you could feel the cancer cells moving through your bones, like there were trillions of little bugs crawling in your body.

You wiped the tears from your cheeks, not noticing you were even crying at first. You nodded, letting the doctor know you heard her. She gave you a sympathetic smile and left the room.

Again…

Not again…

You were to be discharged from the hospital later that day, after the last few tests came in. You laid back in the bed, the tiles of the ceiling blurring because of unshed tears.

You blinked hard and reached over to get your phone. You needed to make a few calls. Your parents, your friends… your fiancé. He needed to know, but you were afraid of what he would say… You hadn't met him when you were first diagnosed.

You remembered the hardships you went through, all the hardships you put your family through. You felt a pang in your chest. What if he couldn't handle you? What if he left you because of this?

That fear was quickly squashed when you told him.

"Oh baby… Don't worry. I won't let you go through this alone. I'll be here for you no matter what." Sans said, the sincerity so strong you could hear it through the small phone. You promised him you'd be home for dinner and hung up, a small smile on your face.

* * *

Sans had made you a fantastic dinner, making all the things he knew you loved. He didn't mention the cancer, or ask any questions. He knew you would tell him when you were ready. It had been a tough day for everyone.

You helped clear the table, or at least tried to help clear the table. Your hands had been shaking so badly you dropped the plate, shattering it. Sans smiled weakly at you and shooed you off to take a shower while he cleaned up the floor.

As you made your way to the bathroom, you could feel your bones grow heavy. It was almost like just the thought of the bone cancer caused it to grow even faster. The heaviness in your chest made it hard to breathe.

You locked the door behind you, leaning heavily on it and sliding down to the ground. You let a silent sob escape your throat, the reality of your situation crashing down on you. You flashbacked to what those damned doctors put you through last time and felt your breathing stop.

The shots… you still had scars from all the shots and IVs they stuck in you.

All the days you spend, writhing in agony on the sterile white bed, while your mother wiped your vomit from your chin. You sobbed again. You couldn't handle it. Not again.

You rushed to the shower and grabbed your shaving razor, desperate to avoid your fate. If you were going to die, you were going to die on your own terms. You weren't going to let this illness control your life again.

You dropped the plastic razor into the floor and stomped on it, glad you didn't take your shoes off. The cheap plastic cracked easily, and you grabbed the razor that was sticking out the most. You tried prying off the left over plastic, but it wasn't worth the effort.

You held the razor to your arm, right under your elbow where you knew the veins were the thickest from all the needles that went into your skin. The metal had barely cut into you when the bathroom door flew open.

Sans dropped his credit card onto the tiles and rushed over to you. He smacked the razor out of your hand and yanked you to your feet. You struggled against his grip, cursing him for trying to stop you. You started flailing around wildly, doing anything to get him to let do.

His fingers dug into your upper arm almost painfully, but he was way stronger than you. There was no way you could escape. Finally, you fell limp, letting him hold your weight.

"Stand up." He growled out angrily. You stood, your knees shaking almost too much to stand on your own. Suddenly, your cheek was burning painfully. You cried out, falling slightly. Sans still had a grip on your arm, so you couldn't fall completely.

Sans had hit you. Sans, who pulled over to help a turtle cross the road. Sans, who stayed up with you for three days when you had a cold a few months ago. Sans, who would rather have his nose broken than throw a punch of his own. That same Sans hit you.

"How could you do that to me?" He said, practically screaming. There were tears running down his face. You stared at him in numb shock. "How could you even think of leaving me like that?"

"I…" You couldn't respond.

"And what about your family, huh?" He continued, not even hinting that he was going to be done anytime soon. "After everything you've survived, you were just going to throw it away? Throw your family away? Throw me away?"

This continued for what felt like an eternity. You could tell he was getting his own frustrations out as well, so you didn't stop him. You found yourself crying again, the silent tears running down your face. Abruptly, Sans fell silent.

You glanced up at him, and saw tears on his cheeks again. He pulled you into a tight hug and sunk to the floor with you.

"I could have lost you…" He said, mostly to himself. His arms tightened around you. "What were you thinking?"

"I don't think I can survive this a second time… I can't handle it. This is going to kill me. I know it… I can't handle the needles and the IVs and the treatments and the surgeries and the pain and the smell of the hospitals all the damn time!" You rambled, growing more and more frantic with each word. By the time Sans cut you off, you were screaming at nothing.

Sans placed his hand over your mouth, preventing you from talking anymore. You tried calming down, but you were starting to hyperventilate instead.

"Come on, breathe with me." Sans said, releasing you and helping you control your breathing. It took a few minutes, but soon you were breathing normally. The room stopped spinning, and you were able to focus on Sans' face.

He was smiling, but it was a tired kind of smile. You felt fresh tears sting your eyes as you buried your face in his shirt.

"I'm s-so sorry." You sobbed, gripping the fabric of his shirt in your hands as if he would float away if you didn't hold him.

"I'm here. Don't worry. You won't be alone." He muttered softly into your hair as he rubbed your back, trying to get you to calm down. "Come on, let's get something to drink. We're both dehydrated after that." He gave another weak smile, and you couldn't help but smile in return, your own smile watery and small.

Sans stood and held a hand out for you. Taking his hand, he helped you up so quickly you jumped a few inches in the air before falling against his chest. You couldn't help but giggle a little as he held you close.

* * *

You stared at the liquid dripping through the IV listlessly. You had been in the hospital for a week this time. While it wasn't the longest time you've spent pinned down to a sterile bed, it was still way too long in your opinion.

You sighed and turned your head to stare at the ceiling. Sans had brought those suction cup darts the other day, and the two of you spent hours throwing them up. They've been slowly unsticking and falling back down onto the bed, but there were still a half dozen stuck to the tiles.

When the nurse saw, she had to leave the room for a moment to keep her laughter under control.

You had very little to do lately. You couldn't get out of bed lately either. The pain in your bones had been growing more and more intense until you had to be carried into the hospital. You took another deep breath and closed your eyes. Maybe you could fill the time with a nap.

Next thing you know, your room is packed with people. You were mildly surprised you managed to fall asleep, let alone stay asleep while the group shuffled in.

Everyone was there. They were all Sans' friends to begin with, but you soon bonded and you were just as close to them as he was. Papyrus, Undyne, Alphys, Mettaton, Asgore and Toriel. Everyone was there. You couldn't help but smile at your friends.

You had to use the bed to help you sit up because you couldn't sit up yourself just then. Sans pushed his way to the front of the crowed with a sheepish smile.

"I tried to get them to come in a few at a time but they all just rushed in." He said, handing you one of your favorite iced coffee drinks from the local coffee shop. He knew how much you hated the hospital food, and how much you hated how tired being there made you.

You took the cup with a bigger smile and took a large gulp before addressing the crowed.

"Hey everybody." You said, your voice weaker than it usually is. A week in a hospital can really take its toll on someone.

"Hey there punk! Long tome no see! You look like crap!" Undyne yelled excitedly. You wince a little at the volume of her voice, but snicker a little as her girlfriend scolded her.

"U-undyne!' Alphys said in a hushed yell. "You c-can't just say she looks like c-c-crap! She's s-sick…"

You snickered again, pretending not to hear their argument. Papyrus, Sans' younger brother, hopped on the bed with a grin. You held back a yelp as the movement caused your whole body to spark with intense pain, but you didn't let your smile drop.

"Sister! I was very distraught to hear of your condition, so I had everyone at school sign this card for you! We all wish you well!" He said, his tone just as loud and excited as Undyne's. You remembered the first time you told him that you and Sans were getting married. He stared at you for a second before tackling you and calling you 'big sister'.

You took the card Papyrus was holding out to you as Sans took the coffee from you. You opened it and felt tears threaten to fall. There were dozens of signatures, some even had little messages to go along with the names. 'Get well soon!' 'kick that cancer's butt!' 'we believe in you!'

"Thank you Papyrus." You said, wiping away the moisture that had mysteriously gathered on your cheek. It hurt to lift your arm, but you didn't want your friends to worry.

"Here dear, I know how much you dislike the food here." Toriel, a larger woman who works at the local school. You bonded over a love for baking, and had been good friends ever since. Toriel handed you a small box, tied with a small white string.

Instantly, you were hit with the warm scent of butterscotch and cinnamon. You felt your heart swell at the thoughtfulness of your friends. You opened the box and your mouth started watering at the sight of the most perfect piece of pie you had ever seen in your life.

"Thank you so much Tori! You know me so well." Sans took the box and put it on the side table as Toriel leaned down to give you a hug. You had to stifle another groan of pain.

Just then, a nurse popped her head in the door.

"Oh! I didn't know you had guests." She said, looking a little awkward.

"Must be time for a checkup, huh babe?" Sans said, standing and stretching. He pecked you on the cheek. "I'll catch up with you after, alright?" He started for the door, and thankfully the others followed after him.

You heard faint conversations about cafeteria food versus the fast food joint a few minutes down the road. You could hear your friend's voices all the way until the elevator doors closed. The nurse had moved in the room with her cart, preparing for the checkup.

"Quite the group, huh?" She said with a fond smile. You couldn't help but laugh at that. She handed you your coffee before taking your blood pressure.

"That's an understatement." You said with a fond smile. "You should see them when we do drinking games." The thought of the last party would be forever branded insides your eyelids. Undyne shaved half her head on a dare, Papyrus did a keg stand and Mettaton sang catchy pop songs in awful German.

"It's nice to see some life come through these halls." The nurse said with a wistful smile. "So many people come in here, already accepting their fate… as if they were already dead. That much life and vitality… it's really refreshing." She finished by replacing your IV drip and turned to you with a smile. "Oh look at me, rambling on. I'll bring you dinner soon, alright? I'll send Sans back in."  
She had been your nurse long enough to recognize the short man, especially because he was quite recognizable. Even the workers at the front desk just let him through now, not bothering to make him sign in. He was the most popular person in the whole building apparently.

Not that you really experienced that. While you were stuck in bed, getting test upon test ran on you, while you were getting poked and prodded, Sans was out getting you treats and talking with every nurse, doctor, patient and worker that he passed.

You really loved that man.

Sans came back in a few minutes after the nurse left, as if he had magic powers to tell him. You giggled a little at the thought of Sans having real magic.

"Hey there babe." He greeted you with a kiss on the forehead.

"How much trouble did they get in on the way down?" You asked, partially as a joke, partially because you knew they had to have done something.

"Not much. Well, not much in comparison to what they usually are up to." He chuckled, sleepily resting his head on the edge of the mattress. "Undyne took the elevator to the top floor, then proceeded to race Paps down the emergency staircase to see who was the fastest. Papyrus tripped and got a bloody nose, but a nice nurse patched him up." He chuckled and you resisted the urge to face palm.

"Maybe they shouldn't visit anymore." You mused, running a hand through your slightly greasy hair.

"Aw come on. You can't keep them away." He grinned, but his grin quickly faded. "You can't push your friends away babe… they need you as much as you need them." He said, completely serious.

"I'm not pushing them away." You said, slightly defensive. "I just… don't want them to see me this way. I can't shower, I can barely use the bathroom. The slightest movement causes me pain. I don't want them seeing me this weak." You finished, your voice as weak as you thought yourself to be.

"Don't think that way." He said, taking your hand gently. "No one is going to think you're weak. Honestly? I couldn't believe how impossible strong you were being earlier. Dealing with our friends, everyone moving and jostling you. It must have been excruciating, but you didn't cry out once. You didn't show any pain at all." He stroked your hair lovingly, and you felt more at home in that hospital bed than you ever had before.

* * *

"Welcome home!" A collective voice cheered. Your apartment was filled to the gills with your friends and family. Your parents were in the kitchen, chatting with Alphys about her future plans. Papyrus was by the table, making sure all the food was displayed in the most welcoming way. A large banner was hung across the wall, and you could see each person's donation to the project. Alphys' hand writing, Undyne and Papyrus' drawings. Toriel's ability to make anything look like it belonged in a better homes and garden magazine with flowers and lace. Even Mettaton pitched in, pink glitter falling onto the carpet like rain.

"Guys…" You started tearing up. You had expected maybe a meal with Sans and a movie before going to bed early. It had never even crossed your mind that your friends would throw you a welcome home party.

"It's about time you got out! I found this new game, and Alph is crap at fighting games!" Undyne crowed, slamming her fist into her open palm. "I need a real opponent!"

"Chill Undyne. She just got home and probably wants a few days to get back in the swing of things." Sans interrupted. You shot him a grateful look before turning to Undyne.

"I'll play later, alright. Why don't you tell me about it in the meantime?" You said, trying to appease the overly energetic woman. She grinned so wide you through her cheeks were going to split before she burst into a rapid conversation.

You didn't hear most of the things she was saying, but you could see she just appreciated that you were willing to listen as best as you could.

"Big sister!" Papyrus called, drawing you away from the taller woman. You moved over to the boy, who had a plate filled with different foods. "I know the hospitals do not feed one well, so I made sure to make all of your favorites! Please, eat as much as you can!" He said, shoving the plate into your hands.

He was right, it was all of your favorites. You gladly dug in, making sure to tell Pap how amazing each item on the plate was. With each compliment, Papyrus seemed to puff his chest more and more. You really were fond of that boy, you thought with a smile.

You didn't realize how much you missed feeling 'normal'. No one mentioned your cancer, or your stay in the hospital, or how much weight you've dropped. They only joked about how Sans' needed a haircut and how Undyne thought she could eat all the taco dip and not get sick.

She did get sick.

By the time everyone left, you had almost forgotten you were sick at all. It wasn't until Sans handed you the antibiotics the doctors prescribed to keep you from getting even sicker. He gave you an apologetic smile as he handed you a glass of water to go with it.

"You did great today babe." He said, kissing you gently on the temple.

"I didn't do anything." You said with a faint smile. Sans just pulled you closer and rested his forehead on yours. You could smell the beer and taco dip on his breath, but it wasn't gross. It was just Sans.

"You did everything. Five minutes after leaving the hospital and you were a perfect host. You gotta learn to let us take care of you every once in a while." He said teasingly.

"But if you take care of me, who's going to take care of you?" You asked, just as teasingly. Sans chuckled in his signature sleepy way and leaned on you.

"You. We work together. That's why we have such a perfect relationship." He wrapped his arms around you and abruptly lifted you off your feet. You gave an elated giggle and he spun around once. "Now, let's go to bed. I'm pooped."

Sans carried you to the bedroom and placed you gently on the mattress. As he was getting in the other side, you pulled him in for a kiss. He blinked sleepily, rubbing his head.

"What was that for?" He asked, not upset in the slightest.

"A thanks. For staying with me. I don't know where I would be if you weren't with me during this." You stopped yourself. "Well, I do know where I would be…" You trailed off, the thought of your suicide attempt making your heart skip a beat.

Sans wrapped his arms around you and pulled you close to him. He rested his chin on your shoulder and sighed.

"Don't think about that. I'm here, and you're here. That's all we need to focus on." He snuggled his face into your shoulder more and sighed heavily. Within seconds, he was fast asleep.

You smiled as you felt his warm breath against your neck. Despite everything you've been through – despite everything you're going to go through – he was still here, by your side. He really was your anchor.

You settled back into him, letting his heart beat lull you to sleep.

You could fight this, and win. You were a survivor.

A warrior. And Sans was going to be by your side the whole time.

* * *

 **Alright! I did promise you a quality chapter with some real plot, and I actually did it?**

 **This was based off the experiences of a lovely reader, and I just wanted to give a shoutout to them! Thank you so much for letting me use your story!**

 **I hope everyone has a good holiday, even if you don't really celebrate Easter. Eat a choco bunny head and smile cuz it's finally spring!**

 **Also, I wanted to say thank (again ^-^') to everyone who sent me reassurances about my updating schedule. I try to remember that it's my story and that I'm not obligated and blah, blah, blah. But I can't help but think about those who message me saying how my story helps them cope and stay clean and believe that maybe there can be a tomorrow. Those are the people I think about when I don't update when I say I'm going to… and I'm sorry to everyone who uses this as an escape. I'm awful when it comes to updating, I know. I'm sure there are others authors out there that are better than be and can update at a consistent rate…**

 **Anyway! Thanks everyone, for your support with just about everything** **:)  
**

 **Until next time!**

 **~Starlight**


	43. Pass a Tissue Please - self doubt

**Warnings- low self-esteem, negative thinking, blood**

* * *

You heard a sniffle come from your left. You glance over, amused, and saw Sans discretely dabbing his eye. Papyrus was outright crying. You were watching a movie, and in the end, the girl got to marry her one true love.

It really was heartfelt and emotional, but you just couldn't seem to cry. Sans clicked off the movie as the credits started to roll and sighed.

"Well that was emotional." He said, his already deep voice slightly deeper from the tears.

"Wowie! Even the Great Papyrus could not contain his tears!" He explained, hopping off the couch. "What about you, human? Did you cry?

"Eh, not really." You answered honestly. You shrugged a little and stood as well, stretching and cracking your back. Papyrus' jaw hung open slightly.

"What do you mean? How stone cold must you be to not even tear up at such a happy ending?" He asked, his volume not decreasing in the slightest. You could see him tearing up again.

"It's a skill being this cold hearted." You said with a cheeky grin, but you couldn't help a twinge in your chest. You didn't know why you didn't cry during movies. Maybe there was something wrong with you.

"Nah, you're not cold hearted. You're just emotionally strong." Sans said, shooting you an encouraging grin and a set of finger guns. You smiled back, returning his finger fire.

"You are like Undyne!" Papyrus exclaimed. "Except she is strong in muscle and vocal chords!" He seemed to deflate as he said that lest part, and you couldn't hold back a giggle. His and Undyne's relationship was quite unique.

But now you were thinking. You had never really realized how hard it was to cry at the things most people would be sobbing over. It never really bothered you before, but now it was all you could think about.

Was there something wrong with you?

* * *

You felt the sob building in your chest, and you knew you couldn't stop it from spilling out. The shattered remains of your cup glisten in the light and the water was seeping into your sock. The cold water numbed your toes, but you couldn't feel it.

You were pathetic… couldn't even get a glass of water…

The tears streamed down your face. You fell to your knees, not caring whether or not you knelt in the glass. You tried picking up the shards, but your hands were shaking so hard all you managed to do was slice up your fingertips.

The red pooled with the water, and in any other situation you would have thought it was morbidly beautiful, the way the blood swirled in the water.

Sans was not expecting to find you kneeling on the kitchen floor, sobbing into a puddle of watered down blood and glass.

"Wow there kid! What happed?" He asked as he rushed over to your side. He started picking up the glass with deft fingers.

"I dropped the glass…" You said softly, continuing to try to pick up the shards. Sans gently smacked the glass from your hand to keep you from getting more injured.

"Here, go to the bathroom while I finish cleaning this up. I can fix up your fingers, alright?" He asked, making sure his voice wasn't too loud. He didn't want to startle you in such a state.

You stood and walked to the bathroom, your feet scuffing across the carpeting. You turned the faucet on, your fingers leaving a red smear on the handle. You let the water warm up slightly before placing your hand under the stream.

It stung painfully, squeezing another tear from your eye. Soon, the water was running clear again. Sans came in behind you with a box of band aids in hand. He sat you on the toilet and started putting them on your fingers one by one. He used twelve band aids, dropping all the packaging into the small trashcan next to the toilet.

"There, all patched up." He said with a smile.

"Thanks Sans…" You said, embarrassed you lost control of your emotions like that.

"No problem kid." Sans walked with you back down the stairs. "You don't hafta hide your emotions like that ya know. It's alright to cry and get frustrated and stuff."

You wanted to cry again, but you held it back.

"Thanks Sans…" You say again, but this time it had more meaning behind it. Sans gave a tired grin and ruffled your hair.

"Anytime kid…"

* * *

"A-and I know I h-had some s-s-secrets in the past… but f-from this day forward, I p-p-promise to make you the o-one person I t-tell everything. You w-were the one that s-saved my life, and n-now my life is i-in your hands. I c-could never love m-myself as m-much as I love you, b-b-but I can try to g-get close." Alphys said her vows, holding Undyne's hands on her own. Asgore stood behind the couple. Holding a large book in his large claws.

She was stuttering more than usual today, which was understandable for the scientist. It was her wedding day after all. It was a beautiful ceremony. Asgore let them hold it in the throne room, and as if they knew the importance of the occasion, the flowers seemed to glow brighter.

"I now pronounce you life partners." Asgore said, his fanged grin spread wide. Instead of the nice, loving kiss everyone was expecting, Undyne literally surplexed Alphys and smooched the smaller monster over her head.

Everyone cheered, some even whistled. You glanced around momentarily and saw more than most of the monsters gathered had tears streaming down their faces. 01 and 02 – well, 01 was crying. His boyfriend tended to fairly stoic. Asgore was a mess, sobbing and smiling like he was the one marrying off his own daughter. Well, in a way he was marrying off his daughter.

The wedding quickly moved to Waterfall, where the reception was being held. Napstablook offered to DJ, and the whole area before Undyne's house had been transformed into a party room. Tables and food and balloons covered every surface. There was even a dance floor set up.

The Riverperson was nice enough to offer to ferry the guests to and from the official wedding site, seeing how the party was right by the boat stop. The couple had invited the Riverperson, but they turned down the invite, saying they were content to stay on their boat and listen to the festivities from the river.

You were sitting at one of the tables closer to the wall. Most of the tables were empty at this point of the night, and the dance floor was packed. You sighed in content as a cool breeze blew over your sweaty brow.

"Heya there kiddo." Sans was suddenly beside you. While you were getting used to his antics, you couldn't help the small squeak that slipped past your lip. Sans grinned wider and rose one eyebrow bone in amusement. You still didn't understand how he could do that.

"Hey Sans! You having fun?" You asked, wondering if the skeleton had been dancing at all.

"Yeah, you know Paps. Won't let me hear the end of it if I don't dance with him for at least half an hour." He said, his amused grin fading into a more loving one. You sort of envied their brotherly relationship, but you quickly squashed it. This day wasn't about you.

"I'm glad everyone is having fun." You said honestly. You had spent months helping prepare this night for your friends, and everything seemed to be going perfectly.

"That ceremony was a real tear jerker, eh?" Sans said flippantly, staring at the dance floor instead of looking at you. The comment caught you off guard, and you couldn't think of anything to say in response. He saw your hesitation and kept talking himself. "I noticed you looked a little distressed. Everything okay?"

You wanted to say yes, wanted to make him believe everything was okay. There was nothing wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with not being able to cry at a wedding. There was nothing wrong with you.

"What's wrong with me Sans?" You asked shakily. Sans didn't seem perturbed at your response. He just sipped the drink you didn't realize was in his hand and sigh slightly.

"Nothin's wrong with ya kid. Not everybody cries at the same things. Papyrus bawls when he drops a spaghetti noodle on the floor. Alphys tears up when someone bashes her favorite anime. I get misty eyed myself when we run out of ketchup. Everyone cried at different things. That doesn't make you any more or any less of a person."

"You really think so?" You asked, not really believing him.

"Maybe you can talk to the doc after the honeymoon. Didcha hear? They're getting a suite at Mettaton's resort, dinner and shows and everything. All for free. Must have its perks to be the creator of the Underground's most successful ghost/monster hybrid." He said, his smile carefree again.

"I don't wanna talk to Alphys…" You mumble under your breath, more to yourself than to anyone else. Sans caught it anyway though.

"Even if you don't want to, you should. They say even the most mentally stable monsters should see a professional every once in a while. It's like a yearly checkup at the doctors, yeah?"

"Yeah, I suppose…" You agree hesitantly.

"Seriously kid. There's nothing wrong with you." He said, even more seriously. He appeared in the chair directly next to yours and placed a warm hand on your knee. "You gotta believe me. I wouldn't pull the _wool_ over your eyes." With a cheeky grin, he covered your eyes with one of the napkins on the table.

"Sans!" You laugh and knock the napkin away. "First of all, the napkins aren't wool, they're cotton. Secondly…" You trail off, not sure what you want to say.

"No secondly. There's nothing wrong with you." He said again, making you look him directly in the eyes as he said it.

Maybe he was right. While you did feel wrong – who cried because they dropped a glass and not at a wedding? – but maybe that wasn't _too_ odd, you supposed.

Maybe you should talk to Alphys.

"You really think so?" You asked again, a more teasing tone coloring your words. Sans caught onto you and gave a lopsided grin.

"Yeah, I really do. Now come on." He stood and pulled you to your feet, leading you to the slowly emptying dance floor. "It's a celebration! Let's dance kid!"

* * *

 **This is something that had been requested a few times, but in different ways. Like, crying at odd times or at random things, not being able to cry at normal things, apathy and such. I know this doesn't really cover the last one that well, but I have another chapter planned for that one.**

 **I managed to get this one up a day early! So that means tomorrow I can start working on the next chapter! Get ready cuz it's gonna be an emotional roller coaster from start to finish!**

 **I know this chapter is a little short, but hopefully the next one will make up for it! It won't be any Dancetale chapter or anything in regards to length, but it'll be decent!**

 **Also, I'm sorry to those who PM me and end up waiting a week for a response. (More specifically, those still waiting for a response right now.) I like to have the time to actually write real responses, and I just haven't had that time recently. I know that's a dumb excuse, and I'm sorry! I'll be responding as soon as I can, I promise! I haven't forgotten you, and I'm DEFINITELY not ignoring you!**

 **Until next time!**

 **~Starlight**


	44. Consequences - suicide

**Warnings- suicide, self-harm, depression, guilt,**

* * *

You sob one final time before steeling your nerves. You take the knife, one that was meant for self-defense – the irony wasn't lost on you – and carve a deep line into your wrist.

You were done.

You cut another line, the blood gushing out even faster. Your vision started to blur and there was a strange pressure in your head. Such an odd pressure, in fact, you thought you heard a voice.

 **"Are you sure you want to do that?"** The voice said. You were so shocked, the knife clattered from your hands.

"Who's there?" Your voice was surprisingly steady.

 **"Do you understand the consequences of your actions?"** The voice spoke again.

"What do you want from me?" You sobbed, reaching for the knife again. Just as your fingers were about to close around the bloody handle, you blacked out.

* * *

You saw Papyrus, but it was like you were watching a movie. The view moved, from looking down at the young skeleton to right in front of him.

Papyrus was in shambles. His skull was ashen and frail looking. He had scratches and small cracks all over his head. You reached out, but your hand passed right through his chest. He sobbed a great, painful sob, and you felt your heart break.

You took in the rest of his appearance. A ragged sweatshirt instead of his usual battle body. Dirty sweatpants, obviously in desperate need of a washing.

 _"What happened to him?"_ You asked, but your voice seemed to float away. Where were you? What where you?

 **"When young Papyrus heard you were dead, he fell into a deep depression. He blamed himself, for not being able to protect you. He felt he was a failure as a Royal Guardsman for failing you. He's letting himself waste away, because he believes he has nothing left to live for."** The voice said, seemingly from right behind you. You spun around, but there was nothing there.

 _"What do you mean? What about Sans?"_ You asked, desperate to believe Papyrus would be okay. You looked back at the skeleton with wide eyes.

He lurched forward, his face in his hands. You could see his fingers clawing at his face as his whole body wracked with sobs. His wails cut you deep to your soul, and if you were able to cry in whatever form you were in, you would have.

Never had you heard such wails. It was like he was trying to kill himself with the intensity of his mourning. He clawed at his face some one, causing a deep gouge in his skull. His bones must be softer than usual, because he was able to just carve the line in.

As soon as the line was made, his sobs calmed. He quickly sat up and ripped off his hoodie, exposing his bare ribs. You couldn't hold back your cry of fear.

His ribs were an absolute mess. You could see fractures and cracks, as if he had snapped them off and hastily glues them back together. He took one of his bottom ribs in his hand and took a deep breath, on the exhale, he snapped it off completely.

Papyrus bellowed in pain, but the cry soon turned to laughter. His laughs were hysterical, verging on insane. Tears were gathering in his eyes, from the pain or the laughing, you couldn't tell. He let the dust fall from the base of the rib, as if the bone marrow turned to sand and fell free from its casing.

You tried to turn away, but you were stuck there. You had to watch as Papyrus placed the rib back onto the dusting nub and let a dark blue magic cover it. When he drew his hand away, the bone stayed, but had a large fracture at the base.

Finally, Papyrus let out a relaxed breath and slipped his hoodie back on. He ran a hand over his face and leaned back on the couch, letting his skull dangle on the back and let the lights in his eyes extinguish.

"I'm so sorry…" He said to the silent house, one final tear dripping down his face, only to be lost among the countless others in the couch.

* * *

You were no longer in the Skeleton's living room, but in Alphys' lab. There was a frantic banging coming from your right. You saw Undyne trying to break down the door that led to the true lab. She was screaming.

"ALPHYS COME OUT! PLEASE! I N-NEED YOU! Don't… don't do anything stupid…" She trailed off, her tears making her words catch in her throat. She slowly slid to her knees, hitting the door with both fists. She continued to sob, but there was no response from the doctor.

 **"Alphys also blamed herself."** Said the voice. You glanced to where it sounded like it was coming from, but only saw a faint shadow of what looked like a man. It disappeared the instant you saw it. **"She locked herself in her lab, not eating or opening the door for anyone. Undyne has been banging on her door for three days, with nothing from Alphys. Undyne is getting desperate."**

You were no longer in the first floor of the lab. You were in the true lab, in the room of beds. All of the bad been destroyed, as if something had picked them up and threw them at the walls. One bed remained in the middle, and a small form was huddled under the covers. The amalgamates were surrounding the bed, their form melting and molding. A faint whine filled the room but never ended, just grew in pitch and volume.

The form on the bed shifted, the covers pulled down a little to revel a face that was as familiar as it was different.

Alphys had dropped a considerable amount of weight. You could see her bones straining against her scales, which had turned a muddy mustard color. The bruises under her eyes were purple, making her face scales seem even drabber.

"Go away..." She said, her voice scratchy and hoarse. The monsters whined louder, desperate to be fed. "Shut UP! GO AWAY! I HATE YOU!" She screamed, throwing weak punches at whatever was in arm range. The amalgamates just oozed around her fist with extreme ease.

 _"What happened…?"_ You asked horrified.

 **"She gave up…"** The voice said. One of the amalgamates turned its head to you, as if it could hear you. It stared at you, or stared at you as much as an eyeless creature could, before turning away. One of them nudged Alphys, who kicked her leg out, trying to make it leave her alone.

You could hear Undyne banging away, the yells so faint it sounded like a bird's heartbeat. Alphys glanced towards the door that lead to the elevator. She could hear the banging too. One of the monsters reached a blob out to rest on her head.

For a second, it seemed like Alphys was going to swat them away. Instead, she leaned into the touch, sobbing quietly.

"I'm so weak…" She whispered.

* * *

You were in the restaurant portion of Mettaton's resort. You were surprised to see the room completely empty. Not a single soul seemed to be in the building at all. Mettaton was sitting on the edge of the stage, his back rigid and his face empty of all emotion.

He was humming softly, without much feeling in it. His eyes were trained on something in the distance, but it was obvious he wasn't really seeing anything

 **"When you died, all of his close friends pulled away. Papyrus ignored his calls, Alphys locked her door completely, and Sans… They were so engulfed in their own grieving, they didn't realize he was all alone. He lost all enthusiasm for performing, so soon the other monsters of the Underground stopped coming to his shows. He realized everything good in his life had lost its luster."** The voice explained.

With a heavy heart, you recognized the tune. It was Papyrus' battle song. You could hear Mettaton's voice, as sweet and beautiful as ever, but you could also hear a hint of desperation underneath.

 _"How could this happen?"_ You asked, horrified.

 **"You held the Underground together. When you killed yourself, it fell apart. Relationships were destroyed, lives torn apart. Poor Mettaton was not exempt from this butterfly effect. He is broken, both mentally and physically. Because Alphys locked herself away, he cannot get fixed. He is slowly deteriorating, and as of now it seems as though he will never be fixed. Soon, there will be no way to reverse the damage."** The voice continued.

 _"I'm so sorry Mettaton…"_ You whimper, wishing you could reach out and comfort him. This was all your fault, you realized. _"Please… I don't want to see anymore…"_

 **"I'm sorry, but you must."**

"I don't like being alone…" Mettaton said, his voice echoing painfully through the room.

* * *

 _"Please… I don't want to see anymore."_ You said again, as you felt yourself being dragged somewhere new. This time, the voice didn't respond.

 **"This one is a little different, because in this timeline these events have already taken place. We will be going back in time so see the effects of your actions."** The voice said, sounding farther away than before.

 _"My actions…"_ The thought weighed heavily on your mind. This was all your fault… Papyrus, and Alphys and Mettaton…. All your fault.

You found yourself in an unfamiliar room. It was almost like there was a grey scale filter over your eyes, and you remembered the voice saying something about going into the past. There was a bare mattress, and a curtainless window, and a dresser with all the draws ripped out. You heard a sob, something that had become painfully familiar to you.

Without your consent, your head turned to face the center of the room. You couldn't stifle the scream that ripped from your throat. You felt like you were going to scream out your lungs. Suddenly, your jaw clacked shut, as if an invisible hand closed your jaw for you.

You realized this must have been Sans' room. The set up was similar to Papyrus', and you saw some familiar clothing in the piles. What really tipped you off though, what _really_ connected those dots for you…

Sans was hanging from his bedroom ceiling fan by a makeshift noose. You could see he was still breathing, just barely. His face was turning a sickly grey-white. With a last desperate lunge, you tried to reach him. Your hands just passed right through him.

And in an instant, the dangling monster became a pile of dust on the carpet. You screamed again, tears streaming down your face. You somehow heard something over your own screams. The door creaked open.

Papyrus peaked his head in, the color of the room washing out all the color of his costume.

"Brother? Is everything-" The skeleton cut himself off with a scream of his own. He collapsed, using the doorframe as support. He stumbled forward, almost kneeling in his brother's dust. "N-no… no please. Not you too… I cannot…. I cannot do this alone…" He sobbed, burying his face in his brother's jacket.

 **"Sans felt personally responsible. After all, he was the one you always talked too. The fact that you killed yourself without saying anything to him… he felt like a failure. He believed he failed you when you needed him the most. The guilt ate away at him, keeping him awake for days on end, keeping him from being able to eat. Eventually he started to hallucinate. He thought you had come back to haunt him, blaming him for not being there for you, not being good enough for you. It was all too much for him… as you can see. He, like all the others, gave up."** The voice said, but you didn't care anymore.

 _"Please… please send me back. I don't want this to happen. I don't want my friends to go through this…"_ You sob, watching Papyrus mourn the death of his brother.

 **"Have you learned your lesson, human?"** the voice asked, sounding softer than ever before. You sob and nod your head, but that wasn't what the voice wanted.

 _"Y-yes! I've learned my lesson. Please send me back!"_ You cry out, clenching your arms to your chest tightly and closing your eyes, praying to wake up from this nightmare.

 **"So be it…"**

* * *

You stayed in that position for a few seconds, sobbing into your arms, praying to wake up. You felt something warm soaking into your shirt, shocking you back into reality. You pull your arms away and realized that it was the cut on your arm that had been bleeding, which was soaking into your shirt. Wait…

You bolt upright, which caused the room to spin violently.

Even with the room spinning, you could see the familiar features of your bedroom. You scramble to your feet and rush out the door, praying.

You could hear the television coming from downstairs. You ran down the stairs as fast as you can, not bothering to worry about tripping. Of course, you tripped as you come to the last few steps. Before you could hit the ground, something warm surrounded you, placing you back on your feet.

"Careful kid." Sans said from the couch. You felt your eyes sting at the sight of him, alive. You ran at him, throwing yourself into his arms. He caught you with a confused look before he became horrified. "W-what happened with your arm kid?" He asked, horrified.

"I'm so sorry!" You sob, blubbering into his chest. He tried to console you, but was completely flabbergasted at what was happening.

"Calm down there. Tell old Sansy what happened." He said in a quiet voice. It was the voice he used when you were crying about a night mare. You took a shaking breath and tried to explain.

* * *

Gaster watched from above as you threw yourself into Sans' arms.

It was all according to his plan.

You were to be the savior of the Underground, something he himself had failed to do. He had been watching your adventure, giving light shoves here and there. He couldn't do much, nothing more than planting a whisper of an idea in your head, but it got you on the right track.

When you were dying, you were close enough to his realm where he was able to connect with you and show you a magic induced hallucination. At first, it was all about saving monster kind.

Now, however, the not-monster had grown quite fond of you. Almost like… a father.

He smiled as he watch Sans scream at you before pulling you into a choking hug.

Yes. All according to plan.

* * *

 **What? Another update? I must be magic!**

 **Nope! Actually this is a pre-apology, because I have two speeches (With matching powerpoints) and an English essay to do before Sunday. This'll be the last update for at least a week.**

 **I've had quite a few requests for depressed Paps (Several from the same guest, I do believe) so I did a little bit of that in this, as well as an US chapter planned, so don't worry guest!**

 **I really like the way this chapter came out! It's like a Christmas Carol type thing. I dunno, I just think it really turned out great :)**

 **Thank you everyone, once again, for putting up with me. You're the real MVPs!**

 **Until next time!**

 **~Starlight**


	45. He? She? They? - gender identity

**Warnings- doubting yourself, incorrect pronouns.**

* * *

"Aw, you look so beautiful!" Toriel gushed. "I told you she would look best in pink." She said to Asgore, who looked a little annoyed at her teasing.

"A little girl in purple is very royal!" He said indignantly. While you were happy Toriel was giving the monster king a second chance, their constant bickering made your head hurt.

"My little girl is going to wear pink to my own birthday party." She said smugly. You cringed a little every time they said 'she'. It never bothered you as a child, but now that you were older something about being labeled struck a nerve.

"You know mom, I'm not that little… I can wear anything." You said, a small smile to show you were just being polite.

"Oh I know… I just don't want to believe that you've grown into such a beautiful young woman…" She came over to you and let her paw caress the tulle of your skirt. You were irked, but felt your chest constrict at her confession.

"I'm never too old you for mom." You said, hugging her. You knew it was the right choice, because you felt her hug back tightly and smile into your hair.

You wanted to correct her, tell her you weren't comfortable being called a girl, but it never seemed like the right time. Besides, she probably wouldn't understand. Humans had a hard time understanding this, and you didn't think monsters would be any different.

* * *

"Hey kiddo." Sans said with a lazy wave. He and Papyrus were walking towards you. You had been coming back from the ruins and they must have been visiting Undyne. Papyrus saw you and rushed towards you.

"Human! What strange clothing!" He commented. You looked down and saw you were wearing a lacey blouse that Toriel made for you. You grimaced, waiting for whatever the taller skeleton was about to say. "Monster boys don't wear clothing like that! It must be a human thing." He finished with a grin.

"Y-yeah… a human thing." You said, looking to the side with a fake smile. Sans shot you a strange look but you didn't say anything.

"Anyway, human do you want to see what I learned?" Papyrus asked, looking excited.

"I dunno if that's a good idea. The kid's frail, and you might hurt him if you lose control." Sans said, placing a hand on Pap's arm.

"He is strong! I will not hurt him." Papyrus said with complete confidence. You wince but don't say anything. You didn't feel comfortable being called a boy either.

With a heavy heart, you realized that maybe there was something wrong with you. If you weren't a girl, and you weren't a boy… were you a mistake?

You were snapped out of your musings when a bone came flying at your face. You ducked and dodged, the muscle memory from your adventure coming back. You managed to dodge them all flawlessly as Papyrus guffawed in the near distance.

"See human! I have gotten much stronger than the last time we faced off! You were just a boy then. A small, small boy. Now you are growing into a…. a… GROWN UP BOY!" He said enthusiastically. You couldn't correct him…

You gave him a half -hearted smile and turned to leave. You missed the confused look Sans gave you as you left.

* * *

It was Alphys' birthday, and as the birthday girl, she wanted everyone to come over to watch anime with her. You would have come over anyway, but it was nice to come over and celebrate with your friends.

But of course, there was conflict. As much as you loved your friends, you knew getting more than three together in a room was going to cause a headache. This time, they were caught between two anime, half the group wanting one involving swords and fighting, the other half wanting one about magic and girls in costumes.

"Punk!" Undyne got your attention. You looked over, concerned and scared about what you were getting yourself into. "You're the final vote. You wanna watch a hella anime about fighting and bad ass swords? Or that lame pansy anime about schoolgirls and pink lasers?" She said, her tone of voice making sure to prove what side she was on.

"Oh c-come on! She obviously wants to watch this one!" Alphys held up the cover, which showed lots of brightly colored characters.

"No he doesn't!"

"Yes she does!"

 **"No I don't!"** You yelled, finally losing your temper. "Stop it! Stop calling me 'she'! And stop calling me 'he'! Because I'm not either! I hate it when you guys force me to be one or the other! I like both shows, and it doesn't matter if I'm a girl or a boy!" You ranted, getting louder and louder until finally your voice cracks.

Everyone was staring at you with a mix of concern and horror. You realized what you just did and felt the blood drain from your face. Silent tears had been streaming down your face, and a sudden sob worked its way out of your chest.

You turned and ran, not bothering to apologize when you bumped into someone on your rush out. You made your way out of the lab and into the elevator right by the building. Your blurry eyes made it hard to see which button you pressed, but you didn't care.

As long as you could be alone.

You stumbled out of the elevator, ignoring the small fire monster that usually hung out by the doors. You kept going, your tears evaporating from your cheeks faster and faster the farther you ran. You came across Sans' hotdog stand, standing alone in the corridor.

Sans was still at the lab with everyone else, and without Sans, no other monster would be hanging around the old shack.

You moved to sit behind the stand, the shade and snow on the roof cooling you down a little. Now that you were far away from your problems, you felt shame and guilt building up in your chest. You sobbed again.

You never should have lost your temper on them. They were your friends, and you just snapped at them for something they didn't know bothered you. You were the real monster here.

"Hey there kiddo. Looks like you're a little under the weather." Sans said from above you, gently sprinkling a handful of snow into your hair. The snow melted instantly, soaking into your shirt. You didn't respond, and hid your face from the skeleton. "About what happened at the lab-" he started to say. It made you want to cry again.

"I'm sorry… I shouldn't have yelled like that…" You sniffled again. Sans came to sit next to you, his joints cracking loudly with the movement. You couldn't help but smile a little at the sounds of his bones.

"You should have told us kid." He said, not tip toeing around the subject.

"I didn't know how people would react… I didn't even know how to react myself…" You said, shrugging sadly.

"Well, on the monster side of it, you should have more faith in us. For monsters, gender tends to be more of an abstract concept. Because we reproduce through magic, gender isn't that big of a deal to us. I mean, look at Napstablook. They don't have a defined gender and they seem pretty okay." He said, putting an arm around your shoulders and pulling you close to him.

"Sans…"

"And as for yourself? Well, sometimes it's a lot to take in, especially from what I've seen from human culture." He chuckled slightly. "You humans are real dumb, putting so much stock on something as trivial as gender. What does it matter if you're a gal or a dude?"

"Is there something wrong with me?" You asked, your voice small. Sans pulled back a little, seeming horrified that you would even think that.

"What? No way kid! In fact, the ones who are wrong are those boneheads above ground that make something like what genitals you have more important than the person with said genitals!" he said loudly, throwing his arms in the air.  
"Hehe, when you put it that way…" You giggle slightly, amused by the way Sans was ranting about it.

"There's that smile." He said, pulling his arm off of your shoulders and gently rubbing a finger on your cheek. "How about we go back and explain this whole situation?"

"They'll be mad at me." You said quietly, shaking your head. Sans snorted and stood.

"You could throw cake in their faces and curse their mothers and they would still love you." He held an arm out for you.

"You really think so?" You asked again, still not sure if you would be welcome after you blew up at them.

"No, I'm Sans." He said with a wink and a cheeky grin. You grinned back and took his hand. You stumbled a little when you stood, your knees a little numb from sitting the way you did. Sans caught you and helped you stand up right. "Come on kid, let's get back before the cake's all gone."

* * *

 **Wow… talk about a short chapter. This is more of a trial chapter. I don't have much personal experience with not being comfortable with the gender I was born with, so I'm not sure if I even did this right. I just know a lot of people request chapters that have to do with gender and the like, and I thought I would try. For y'all.**

 **I still have a lot of school work, and I've actually started writing my own story again. I had pretty much forgotten about it when I started writing this story, and I remembered my new years resolution was that I would finish my story by the end of the year. I really hope to get it publish for real!**

 **I'm still aiming for one chapter a week, and this time I really am going to try to keep up with it. My finals are over my May 9** **th** **, then summer starts for me! Hopefully then I'll be able to write a whole ton, if my mental states doesn't crash and burn like it did during my spring break…**

 **Until next time!**

 **~Starlight**


	46. Club Activities - Suicide

**Warnings- mentions of suicidal thoughts, depression and romance. Human AU**

* * *

You looked at yourself in the mirror and desperately wished the redness around your eyes would go away. It was three weeks from the end of the semester and your thoughts were about to drive you over the edge of a cliff. Literally.

You had run off from your club meeting, not wanting the others to see you break down. You splashed some water on your face and pat it dry. You glance in the mirror again and saw the redness had gone down a little.

Taking a deep breath, you steeled your nerves and left the bathroom. Two steps out of the door and you ran smack into someone else. Glancing up, you immediately tried to turn away. Strong arms caught you, keeping you there.

"Are you okay?" Sans asked. He was the president of your club, but he wasn't a good friend of yours. He was more of that person you wished you could be close friend with.

"Yeah I'm fine." You muttered, pulling away. Sans glanced around and pulled you to the side of the hall.

"You don't look okay. What happened?" He asked, his voice low with worry. He positioned himself so his back was blocking you from the other students walking past. You didn't know what to say. You couldn't even tell your friends that you were suicidal again, let alone this guy who was practically a stranger to you. Sure you were in the same class, but you sat on the opposite side of the room. You rarely talked outside of club meetings. He noticed your silence and pulled you into an empty doorway to get even more out of the way. "Look, I know we aren't that close, but when I see someone upset like this, I just want to help them. I've been through some crap of my own, and I refuse to let someone else go through that." He said, looking at you dead in the eyes.

"I don't think I can talk about it." You said honestly. You didn't want anyone seeing you like this, broken and empty.

"Come on." Sans said, smiling softly. "You can trust me." You were still a little skeptical, but you could feel your eyes stinging again.

"Sometimes… sometimes I feel like things would be better… if I wasn't around anymore." You whispered, looking at the design on the lanyard around his neck. You could feel him stiffen next to you. He rested his hand on your upper arm gently and made you look at him.

"Listen, that's a serious thing to think. Do you honestly believe that?" He asked, his mismatching eyes looking straight into your heart. You couldn't say anything, so you just nodded subtly. He took a deep breath and pulled out his phone.

He sent a quick text and glanced down the hall. You knew he was looking at the door to the classroom the club was meeting in. His phone dinged seconds later. He checked the response and nodded at the screen.

"Here, I just told Papyrus to take everyone outside for a little bit. He's going to make up some bonding activity or something so we can talk in the room." Sans said, glancing down the hall again. You could hear the club members leaving the room, your friend's voices carrying down the hall loudly. Sans took your hand gently and pulled you out of the doorway.

Papyrus was the last one by the door, looking at the two of you approaching with a look of worry and concern.

"Is everything alright Sans?" He asked, glancing at your red face and the creases between his eyebrows. The shorter laughed humorlessly and shook his head.

"Probably not Paps. We have some stuff to talk about, so I'll text you when we're done." Sans said, opening the door and giving the taller a smile. He turned to you and jerked his head towards the door, silently ushering you inside.

The lights were off, the windows letting in a good amount of natural light. The projector was on, and there was a game up on the screen. You smile faintly. That was something your friends would do, you thought with a shake of your head.

The classroom was more of a lecture hall, with the rows of desks ascending gradually. It wasn't very big, just five rows deep. Sans sauntered to the front of the room and took the rolling chair form behind the professor's desk. You followed his move and sat on the desk, facing him.

"Alright babe." Sans said, straddling the chair. The nickname made you blush, but you had heard him call all his friends various pet names. "Tell good old Sansy what's wrong."

"I did… Sometimes I just don't want to be here anymore." You said quietly, kicking your legs back and forth.

"Well, I can tell you right off the bat that I want you here." He said, resting his chin on the back of the chair. Your blush deepened, but you didn't say anything. "Alright, how about this? _Why_ do you not want to be here anymore?" He asked, completely understanding and not the slightest bit pitying. Looking back, that's probably why you opened up.

"I'm just so tired…" You started, your kicking slowing. "I'm tired of this… emptiness in my chest." You choked slightly, your tears causing your eyes to burn painfully.

"Why is your chest empty?" Sans pushed gently. He didn't sound like a psychologist, trying to analyze what was wrong with you. He sounded like a friend that wanted to understand why you were sad.

"I… I'm so sick of feeling alone. Whenever I get close to someone, they get tired of me and leave. Whenever I get a crush on someone, it always comes back and bites me in the ass. I'm never good enough for the people I like. I'm never one of the mains in my group of friends – I'm always the extra friend, the leftover friend. I'm always left behind, and I'm so sick of it." You cut off with a dry sob. You were trying to keep from crying, but it was getting hard.

"You don't seem like the leftover friend with these people." Sans said, gesturing with his head towards the bags that were still cluttering up the desks.

"I don't really see it, but thanks I guess." You said, looking anywhere but Sans.

"Are you actively suicidal?" He asked, not dancing around the subject. You squeaked a little, not expecting the question. You stayed silent for too long apparently, because Sans stood and moved to sit next to you on the desk. "Are you?" He asked again, his tone soft and caring.

"Yeah." You finally admitted, your hands shaking in your lap.

"Have plans?" He asked, his voice sounding strangled. You took a deep breath and closed your eyes. You couldn't give a vocal answer. You just nodded your head. Sans swallowed loudly and ran a hand through his hair, sending his bangs in every direction.

"Tell me." He wasn't rude or forceful, which you appreciated.

"Overdosing. I have the pills all set." You said with no emotion.

"When?" His voice even softer.

"This weekend." You replied, even softer still.

"Why?" He asked again, running a hand down his face

"I can't handle it anymore. I can't handle the stress, the responsibilities. I can't handle my mom pushing all this responsibility down my throat. I'm only eighteen! I'm not ready to be a parent. I'm not ready to own a house or pay for groceries. I'm still a child!" you said, your voice getting louder and your eyes getting wetter.

"Sounds like your mom really depends on you." He said, his voice a little clearer.

"Yeah, and it's breaking me into pieces! I can't handle this stress anymore. If I forget to do one things on the list, I get yelled at for being lazy and untrustworthy. She blames me for not being able to get a full time job because she can't trust me to get things done around the house. I'm the one who does the dishes. I do the laundry and the cleaning! I take care of my siblings and make sure nothing catches on fire! But it's never enough… is it?" Bitter tears burned tracks down your cheeks, staining your lap with dark splotches.

"Sounds like she really needs you." Sans said. Leaning onto your arm slightly. The warmth felt nice, and you managed to calm down a little. "Sounds like she wouldn't be able to function without you. You're the one who keeps her going."

"Yeah, I guess." You muttered, feeling guiltier and guiltier by the second.

"And don't you think leaving her behind would be a little selfish?" He asked, not unkindly.

"How could you ask that?" You say, shocked and hurt that he would call you selfish. He chuckled without really laughing and ran his hand through his hair again.

"Look, I'm not about to turn this on me, but I've been in the same place you are. I put a gun up to my head and put it back down again. How did I put it down again? Because I had to take care of Paps. I realized I was being selfish, putting myself before my brother. Now, that isn't always the best thing to think to yourself, especially when you're in this mindset, but it saved my life." He explained, and the hurt in your chest faded with each word. You really were being selfish, weren't you?

"I am being selfish, aren't I?" You asked out loud, tears spilling over again. Sans saw the grief on your face and wrapped an arm around your waist.

"No, you're being sad. You're looking for an escape. I'm here to tell you that's a dumb thing to do." He grinned and messed up your hair gently. You didn't smile, because you were thinking of something else. He pulled away, worried about your silence.

"Sans…?" You asked, your whisper barely loud enough for him to hear, despite being less than three inches from you.

"What's wrong?" He asked, immediately on edge. You swallow thickly and choke a little, your next question stuck in your throat.

"Can I trust you with something? Something super important?" You asked, dead serious. Sans nodded solemnly, his eyebrows furrowed with concern. "If I give you something, can I trust you to get rid of it?" He nodded again, and you took a steadying breath.

You hopped off the desk and walked over to your backpack. With shaking hands, you unzipped a small pocket in the back and pulled out a smaller case. It used to be a pencil case, but now it held the things you'd rather not anyone find. You removed a large orange bottle and hid it behind your back as you walked back over to the desk.

"Please, get rid of these for me." You handed him the bottle, your fingers shaking so hard you practically drop it in his open palm. He instantly recoiled, as if you dropped a red hot coal into his hand rather than a full pill bottle.

Sans' face paled as he unscrewed the top and removed the cotton ball shoved in the top. With a light shake, a handful of pills tumbled out into his hand. There were dozens, all different shapes and sizes. Most were sleeping pills of various brands and strengths, but there were some painkillers and other prescription pills in the mix.

"Why do you have these here?" He asked, his voice shaking. You winced, not really wanting to talk about your reasoning.

"It calms me down…" You explained. "Seeing the bottle. Hearing the pills. It reminds me of my commitment to that decision."

He took a shuttering breath and put the pills back in the bottle, replacing the cotton ball and lid. Silently, Sans moved to his own bag and tucked the bottle between some books. He stayed there for a few moments, his back to you.

When he finally turned around, you could see faint wet trails running down his cheeks. He came over to you and wrapped his arms around your waist tightly. You instantly hugged him back, his strength and compassion making you want to cry again. When you felt him sob gently into your shoulder, you lost it. You tightened your arms around his neck and sobbed.

You held each other for a few second before letting go and wiping your face. Sans did the same, smiling a little guiltily as he sniffled.

"There was something else I wanted to ask." He said, wiping his cheek one last time. You just nodded, not wanting to speak just yet. "Do you think you need to be in a relationship to be happy?" He asked, messing with the hems of his sweatshirt.

"I…" You weren't sure how to respond. You knew you didn't need to be in a relationship to be happy, but a part of you realized maybe that was wrong. As you tried to put your thoughts into words, it finally clicked. "I'm a very physical person. I need physical reassurance that I'm wanted, and friendly hugs and pats on the backs and stuff aren't really enough. I mean, anyone can give someone a high five or a hug. I need actual physical reassurance. I need kisses and long hugs and for someone to hold me when I cry and I need to know that person cares about me on something more than a platonic level. I haven't gotten that in so long.

"Sometimes I feel like I'm not really here anymore. Like I'm just kinda floating through life Physical contact grounds me, and I haven't had anyone to ground me in a long time. I have this hole in my chest that gets bigger and bigger and bigger and I have nothing to fill it with. I just wanted this loneliness, this emptiness to end!" You finished, surprisingly dry eyed. You guessed you were all cried out at that point.

Talking about that emptiness was exactly what make it grow again. It was almost like your stomach dropped into your intestines, and it made you heart skip a beat. Sans was by your side in an instant, his warm hand cupping the back of your neck.

He pulled you into a kiss, nothing deep and soulful like they always talk about in movies and books. It wasn't rough and desperate. It was soft but still meaningful. You kissed him back, too shocked to really do anything.

When he pulled back, you were able to look into his eyes for the first time. His eyes were glazed over, but he didn't seem sad. He looked determined, and the fire in his eyes made you feel a little stronger yourself.

Sans didn't try to kiss you again. He just pulled you into another tight hug, the kind you give when you know you won't see that person for a long time, or the kind you give to try and keep the pieces of the other person from falling apart.

The hug was interrupted by a faint buzzing. Sans pulled away and checked his phone. With an apologetic grin, he slipped his phone back in his pocket.

"Paps said a security guard scolded them for wandering outside. They'll be back inside in like five minutes. If you want to go freshen up, now's your chance." He said, rolling the chair he was originally sitting in back behind the desk.

You nodded and slipped out the door. The bathroom was exactly the same, even though you felt like a lifetime had passed since you were there last. The same flickering light over the third mirror, the second sink that didn't actually work and the three stalls that were completely out of toilet paper. Exactly the same.

But you weren't.

You splashed some water on your face and practiced your breathing. You knew you only had a few minutes left, and you knew there would be a thousand questions aimed right at your head the second everyone got back to the room.

You splashed another handful of cold water on your face and grabbed a paper towel, patting your cheeks and forehead dry. Looking at your reflection, you ran your hand through your hair a few times to calm the mess it had become.

Deciding you looked presentable enough, you headed back. Sans was still the only one in the room, but you could hear voices getting louder and louder down the hall. Within moments, the room was filled with the rest of the club.

Your friends instantly went to your side, asking if you were okay, why you weren't outside with them, why it looked like you were crying. Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Sans shoot you a smug look. You smirked a little and turned back to the group.

"I'll explain later." You told them, not emotionally strong enough to repeat your whole story. You realized that now, after talking with Sans, you were able to tell your friends too. Just then, your phone buzzed. Glancing down, you saw it was a text from Sans.

 _"Stay after the meeting. There's something I need to tell you."_ Was all it said. You glanced over to him, but he was talking to Papyrus, not even sparing a glance in your direction. You were grateful that he wasn't making a big scene.

The club adjourned after another twenty or so minutes. While your friends packed up their things, you thought of an excuse to stay.

"Aren't you coming?" One of your friends asked. You just smiled at them and rummaged through your bag.

"Sans asked me to stay behind and go over something for class tomorrow. I'll catch up with you guys later." You said, swinging your bag over one shoulder. Your friends seemed to accept that excuse and made their way out of the room. They didn't go far away though, because you could still hear their voices. You smiled as you realized they were waiting for you anyway.

You walked up to Sans, who besides Papyrus and a few others that ran the club, was one of the last ones in the room. He glanced up at you and grimaced slightly.

"Look…" He started, and you felt your heart drop. He was going to tell you it was a mistake to kiss you, a mistake to talk to you, wasn't he? "I'm sorry I kissed you out of the blue like that. It was rude of me to take advantage of you like that, especially because you were so emotional at the time." He ran his hand through his hair and glanced around awkwardly.

"I… um, I didn't mind." You said, blushing brightly. He glanced up at you, a faint blush on his own cheeks. "I mean, if you were to do it again, I wouldn't say no." You continued, shuffling your feet. Sans grinned and used his hand to gently grab your chin, pulling your face close to his.

He placed another light kiss on your nose before letting go and taking a step back.

"If you ever need to talk again, you have my number. Don't you dare hesitate to text me." He winked cheekily and grabbed his bag. "Come on, your friends are still waiting outside for you."

You followed behind him, ignoring the looks the others shot at the two of you. As you got closer to your friends, you slowed a little.

"Thanks Sans." You said, forcing yourself to sound lighthearted. You didn't have to clarify what you were thanking him for, because Sans knew.

"If anything happened to you, we would all be devastated." He responded, smiling at you. "Don't scare me like that again though." He said, his grin slightly less playful. You felt another rush of guilt.

"I won't. And I'll text you if I'm feeling bad again." You said, your voice strong with conviction. Sans just hummed and kept walking.

You didn't properly say goodbye to him, but you knew you would be talking to him very soon.

* * *

 **Hey I'm back! But unfortunately this is a fluke update. My finals start a week from today, and I'll be MIA until those are over. BUT! After finals, I should be back at it.**

 **I've noticed a lull in the Undertale fandom, which is very upsetting because it used to be so big. I don't know how much longer this will go on, because of this dip in interest, but I might write more on other fandoms, having the characters comfort each other in a similar way.**

 **Thank you everyone who supported this story and me. It really does mean a lot when someone messages me, asking if I'm okay. Sometimes it's hard to remember that people actually do care.**

 **Until next time!  
~Starlight **


	47. Don't Pity Me - suicide

**Warnings- depression, self-harm, alcohol abuse, suicidal thoughts**

* * *

It was only your second night in the Underground. The first was spent in the snow, shivering and feeling your snot freezing in your nose. It was like a gift from the heavens that the short skeleton found you. Another day and you probably would have died.

You were sitting in their kitchen – and by their you meant Sans and his brother's house – sipping some hot coco. Your shivering had finally stopped, and it was actually starting to get a little warm.

"After you warm up and eat something, I – The Great Papyrus – will fight and capture you!" Papyrus explained as he placed a plate in front of you. The spaghetti on the plate was extra limp, but from what Sans told you it was a huge improvement on the burnt, raw pasta he used to make.

"Give the kid at least one night to recover Paps. Otherwise it wouldn't be a fair fight." Sans said, walking into the kitchen and to the fridge. He pulled out what looked to be a ketchup bottle and squirted it right in his mouth.

The heavy scent of alcohol hit your nose as he wiped his mouth and capped the bottle. Your eyebrows flew into your hairline as you opened your mouth to say something. Before anything could escape your lips, Sans held one boney finger up to his smile. His grin changed to something more mischievous before he left the kitchen.

You had a sinking feeling in your stomach as you watched the skeleton leave the room. Papyrus was standing by the sink, his jaw hanging low.

"How dare that lazybones try to besmirch my good name? I would never fight an unfair battle!" He protested, waving his arms in the air to show how sincere he was. You gave an uneasy smile and patted him on the arm.

"You wouldn't do something like that." You said comfortingly. He perked up instantly and gave a triumphant laugh.

"Of course not! I, The Great Papyrus, am far too great and fair!" He struck a powerful pose and laughed again. You couldn't help but laugh with him, the skeleton's enthusiasm beyond contagious. Despite the joy coming from Papyrus, you couldn't shake the unease forming in the pit of your stomach at the thought of the smaller skeleton.

They had prepared a makeshift bed for you on your couch, which was slightly lumpy and juggled whenever you moved. There must be coins or something in the cushions, you guessed. As you laid down on the couch, you could feel your arms tingling.

You listened carefully, not wanting to be caught. You knew what you wanted to do, but at the same time you didn't want to do it. You knew Sans had actual alcohol in the fridge, and that would stop the pain better than your original need.

Creeping to the kitchen, you paused to listen every time the floor creaked under your feet. It took what felt like an eternity to make it to the fridge. Opening the door, you cringed as the door creaked. You paused again, listening, and let out a sigh of relief when there were no sounds from upstairs.

"If you were thirsty kid, you should have woken one of us up." Sans said, appearing behind you. You couldn't help the scream that worked its way from your throat. You jumped and spun around, your heart beating wildly.

"I, um, didn't want to bother you. You're already letting me stay on your couch." You gave a hasty excuse.

"Sure, kid. Sure." He said, his tone saying he wasn't entirely buying it.

"W-why are you awake anyway?" You asked, trying to make things seem more normal. The lights in his eyes seemed to shrink, but it may have just been a trick of the light.

"Couldn't sleep. What about you?" Sans turned the question on you.

"Same." You said simply, not wanting to get into what woke you up. Sans hummed and went to the fridge, pulling out a bottle of water. He handed it to you without a word. You opened it and took a sip, not wanting to seem rude. When he was seemingly satisfied, he moved to the stairs. Before he turned completely around, he called back to you.

"I don't know what kind of crap you're going through, but that's not the way to handle it." He said, his back to you so you couldn't see his face. You felt your stomach drop, but decided to play dumb for the time being.

"Handle what?" You asked innocently. You saw his shoulders move up and down, like a shrug or a sharp laugh. Sans didn't respond. He just walked silently up the stairs. If you didn't know any better you would have said he was a ghost, by how silent he moved.

You moved back to the couch, feeling exposed. He didn't directly call you out, but you knew that he knew something was up. You felt the familiar itching in your arms again and rolled up the sleeve of your sweater.

Newly healing lines marred the once perfect skin. The healing was causing the itching, you knew, but that didn't stop you from wanting to scratch them open again. You heard soft footsteps from upstairs and quickly rolled your sleeve back down. Just because Sans wants you to stay quiet about his drinking, doesn't mean he'll stay quiet if he found out about you.

* * *

You reflected on your first night at the Skeleton's house, just a few days ago. The next morning, you continued on your adventure, but stopped back into Snowdin every once in a while to say hello. Papyrus was always on call, and Sans would randomly appear through the Underground, but despite this returning to the small town was never stale.

Now, you were catching your breath, trying to calm your heart after your most recent encounter with the Captain of the Royal Guard. You didn't understand why Papyrus would want to be like the monster in the armor, but you weren't about to destroy his dreams.

You rested your head on the rock you were leaning on, the faint chill from the water trickling down the wall cooled you down after your sprinting.

You didn't think anyone would be able to find you hidden behind the rock, but you weren't really surprised to see Sans sitting next to you. Nothing really surprised you anymore.

"You looked soaked to the bone." Sans said with a grin.

"That wasn't even funny." You said tiredly, but smiling nonetheless.

"Here, at least take my jacket." He said, shrugging off his blue jacket and handing it to you. "You'll catch a cold in those wet clothes, and personally I have no clue how to get rid of a human cold." His grin never faded.

You took the jacket with a thank you and peeled off your sweater. The sopping mass of fabric clung to your body for dear life before finally being ripped free. Zipping up the jacket, you were immediately wrapped in warmth.

Turning your head to see him, you were distracted by his jacketless torso. He was wearing a t-shirt with the logo of a long forgotten band. The fabric was visibly worn, and you knew if you were to touch it the fabric would be soft from how many washes it went through.

What really distracted you though, were the chunks taken out of the ulma and radus bones of his right arm. It looked like his arm was mauled by some kind of animal, cracks and scratches and cuts littering the white.

"Sans what the hell?" You asked, too shocked to be careful in your questioning. He stiffened next to you but his voice didn't change in tone.

"I dunno what you're talking about Kiddo." He said, the lights in his eyes gone. His skull was facing straight forward, and the lights twinging from the ceiling of the cave had shadows dancing across the ridges of the bone.

"Sans, seriously." You said, furrowing your eyebrows. That caused a reaction. He turned to you and shot his hand out, grabbing your wrist almost painfully. While he wasn't touching any of the cuts directly but you could feel electricity zapping from scar to scar.

"I didn't say anything about your problems. I would appreciate it if you didn't say anything about mine." His voice was deeper, raspier. It caused a shiver to run down your spine. You mustered the courage to nod. Sans took that as a good sigh and released your arm.

He stood and made a big show of stretching as if what just happened was an everyday occurrence. He turned to leave before looking at you. He winked and placed a finger against his teeth in a 'shushing' motion.

"And hey. You should stop by for dinner. Paps is getting a little lonely." Sans said before he walked behind a rock. You shot forward to catch him, but he was already gone. You contemplated sitting back down, but you didn't want to soak the jacket too.

You heard metallic footsteps in the near distance and realized your rest was over. Taking a deep breath, you continued on your journey.

* * *

Now that you knew Sans knew about you, you tried to avoid him at all costs. You didn't know why, but the thought of someone seeing through all the lies you've told makes you slightly sick to your stomach.

Speaking of your stomach, you felt it grumble loudly just as you caught sight of the Nice Cream Man and his cart. You could see the two guards next to the cart, muttering softly to each other. With a smile, you went up to the cart and tried to order some nice cream.

"Sorry kiddo!" The blue monster said with an apologetic smile – a smile that was much more sincere than the one Sans always wore, you noted. "Those two fellas over there just bought my whole stock of Nice Cream for today. Come back tomorrow though, and I'm sure there will be more." He grinned again, and you couldn't bring yourself to be upset with the rabbit monster.

"You need some Nice Cream kid?" A voice said from behind you. Without turning around, you knew you would be facing a cold grin if you were to turn. You debated whether or not to accept the treat, but decided instead to just walk away.

You heard a snort of confusion from the skeleton, but it was soon lost in the various sounds of Hotlands.

You realized you were completely alone when you came back from your thoughts. Usually there were a few monsters here and there, going about on their daily business, but here it was almost completely silent. The Core loomed in the distance, like a war ship ready to fire, and the faint hissing caused you to become even more uneasy.

A few steps later, another sound catches your attention. It sounded like mud sliding across the ground, but there was more to it. Looking over the edge of the walkway, you saw red hot lava slowly oozing it's was under you like a molten ocean.

You remembered learning about lava in school, about how hot is gets and how it's formed and all that. You found yourself mesmerized by the swirling reds and oranges and the tints of blue in little cracks. It was beautiful.

Unconsciously, you took a step forward. The heat the blasted you in the face was almost unbearable, but the pain made you smile.

When you woke up in that patch of flowers, you were devastated to realize your plan didn't work. After meeting Toriel, you thought maybe starting over down here wouldn't be such a bad thing after all.

Now, you took another small step forward, more than just a small part of you hoping the bridge would give out and you would fall.

Fall…

The thought wasn't foreign to you in the slightest. You took another step forward. Just a small one, but enough of a step that your toes hang over the edge of the walkway.

You could feel your arms tingling at the thought, almost like your cuts and scars were pushing you to do it. Cheering you on to jump. You sniffled, and felt a singular tear work its way down your cheek. It hissed where it hit the walkway and instantly evaporated.

Jumping slightly from one foot to the other, you tried to reduce the burning sensation that was making its way through the soles of your shoes. You closed your eyes and took a deep breath, the intense heat making it hard to inhale all the way.

Just as you were about to lean forward, you heard a zapping sound behind you. It was like a bug hitting an electrical bug zapper, but more magical. You turned your head to the side, just enough to see what it was.

To your lack of surprise, Sans was standing behind you, hands shoved in his pockets and his hood up. He raised his head a fraction, just enough so the glowing light from the lava river cast dangerous looking edges on his skull.

You saw his grin tense before he moved to take his hand out of his pocket. You made eye contact with him and placed your index finger against your lips, mocking his earlier actions. He seemed confused for a second before realization dawned in his eyes. His left eye flared bright blue as he lunged for you. You leaned away from him.

Right off the edge of the walkway.

You couldn't even scream as you tumbled into the lava. You had two thoughts before you hit the heat. The first was that Sans seemed hysterical as he watched you tumble, his hand outstretched and surrounded by something blue. Whatever it was thought, it wasn't affecting you.

The second thought was that the lava didn't seem that far away from the walk-

* * *

You woke up in a shallow puddle of water, a gentle mist dampening your cheek. For a moment, you thought your whole body was on fire, but the thought was quickly banished when you realized where you were.

You were at the star in Waterfall, right outside Undyne's house. You had forgotten about those stars, you realized with a jolt. You couldn't die down here, even if you wanted to. The only way to truly end it all was to beat Asgore and cross the barrier.

The realization made your stomach drop painfully. You took a few shuddering breaths and wrapped your arms around your chest tight, as if to hold yourself together. Out of the corner of your eye, you saw something glint in the dull light of the cave coming from a cluster of reeds.

Curious, you moved to investigate.

The glint came from an old dagger, probably left over from the war, you mused as you pulled it free. The hilt had decayed, leaving a simple metal rod where the wooden handle once was. The blade itself was only slightly muddy. Through the mud you could see light designed in the metal.

You brought the knife over to the nearest pool and rinsed it off, cutting the hem from your sweater to wrap around the handle. Holding your newly found treasure, you couldn't help but give into the very first thought you had.

You glanced around and saw how in the open you were there. You knew there were paths to Temmie village that were dark and secluded. Stashing the dagger in your waist band, you made your way to the paths.

You found a nice square of grass and sat, waiting for the crystals to dim enough for you to continue. A short eternity later, the light around you faded to almost nonexistent, and you freed the dagger from its hiding place.

You could feel familiar stirrings deep within your chest just from looking at the shining blade. There was a rustling in the tall grass, but you ignored it. With a faint smile, you rolled up your sleeve and repeated the actions that got you stranded in this cave in the first place.

The dagger was a little dull, duller than the blades you would use back home, so the first cut barely broke the skin at all. The slight throb was enough to lessen the pressure in your chest, but in the end it wasn't enough. You tried again, putting more pressure on it in order to cut deeper.

For a moment, nothing happened. There was no pain, no blood. Than in an instant it all hit at once. A sweet, thrilling pain laced up your arm as the crimson beaded up along the line. The blue glow of the cave made the blood look almost purple.

You made a third cut, letting the tip of the dagger dip into your skin even deeper. You had missed this. By cut five, your eyes were slightly unfocused.

By cut seven your head was feeling light.

By cut ten you couldn't make straight lines anymore. There weren't that many lines, but they were deeper than any you made before.

You could feel yourself slipping, so you made one final cut, slashing the blade as hard as you could on your wrist. The dagger blade hit something hard, and you couldn't hold back the scream that ripped through the cave.

Your vision went completely black before barely coming back. The cave was brighter for some reason, or at least brighter to your dying eyes.

You heard a loud noise, but it sounded muffled as if you were underwater. Something touched you, but the feeling was so numb you weren't sure it was actually happening.

"No!" A voice called, and you managed to see a bit of a downturned grimace before blacking out entirely.

* * *

Sans held your body, waiting for the world to reset like normal. He looked down at you, flinching at how red everything looked. He used one shaking hand to brush the damp hair from your pale face, willing himself to stop crying.

He had tried. God, how he had tried to make it in time. He knew something was going to happen. After what happened last reset? He knew something was wrong.

Oh yes, Sans remembered everything, or enough of everything to know what he needed to do. Watching you copy him and tumble into the lava, he thought the world really was ending.

Even his teleportation wasn't fast enough to get him to the edge of the walkway. Even his magic wasn't strong enough to lift you back up after you had fallen out of his range. Even his Determination wasn't enough to erase the sight of your body melting in the lava.

The light began to dim, but not in the usual way. The whole world began to darken, and Sans knew it was time for the reset to happen. He placed your body back on the grass and used his fingers to close your open, sightless eyes.

Standing, Sans flipped his hood up and waited. He would catch you next time.

* * *

You woke back up at the same star as last time, in Waterfall. Your arms still tingled from the last go, but it made you smile faintly. It didn't hurt as much as falling into the lava, you noted silently as you stood and slowly brushed off the gravel sticking to your pants.

Your stomach growled, but you ignored it. Getting food meant talking to people, which mean having to hide the fact you just killed yourself twice.

You stood there for a few moments, willing your feet to move. You blinked hard when you realized how turned around you were. Which way did you just come from? Which way were you going? You glanced left, then right, and sighed. Both paths looked exactly the same.

You chose to go to your left, which may have been right if someone was looking in on you from outside, like an audience for a game or something similar.

Each stepped seemed like an eternity as you made your way back. You instantly knew you made a mistake as soon as a familiar looking booth came into view. Before you could turn around, Sans called out to you.

"Hey there kid! Long time no see." He jogged over to you, grinning lazily as usual.

"Hey there Sans!" You say, with a little less enthusiasm.

"I'm about to go on break. Wanna join me for a bite to eat?" Sans offered, holding a hand out for you. There was no escape, that much was obvious. You took his hand and smiled uneasily. He started walking the way you just came.

"Isn't Snowdin the other way?" You asked, looking over your shoulder and the proper hall, slowly fading from sight.

"I know a shortcut." He said without any explanation. You raised an eyebrow, but he didn't see it. You blinked and next thing you knew you were sitting on a stool at Grillby's. Your heart beat was erratic, your breathing short.

"S-sans…?" You said, waiting for your chest to calm down.

"Just breathe deep kid. It's always tough the first time." He chuckled and rubbed your back. You took a few deep breaths and soon your heart began to calm down. "There much better. It would be a shame if your heart were to stop for some reason." He said, a sharp edge to his tone for a brief second. You glanced at him, afraid he might remember, but he had turned back to Grillby with a sleepy grin on his face.

The memory of the lava light casting sharp angles on his skull caused your stomach to drop, but you pushed down your panic. The skeleton wasn't showing any signs that he remembered anything, so hopefully you were in the clear.

You didn't want to be saved.

"So whatcha in the mood for kid?" Sans asked, placing his elbow on the bar and resting his skull in his hand. "Grillbz here make a pretty killer burg."

"A burger?" You said, excited. "That sounds amazing! I've been eating nothing but cinnamon bunnies and monster candy for two days!" You exclaimed, your mouth watering at the thought of real food.

"Hehe sounds like someone is really moo-ved by the thought of a burg." He said, his grin turning cattish. You couldn't hold back a snort of laughter, your dread slipping away. When you laughed instead of getting mad, Sans seemed to sit up another two inches.

"That was so bad!" You laughed, shaking your head. He just winked at you, waving at someone who walked into the bar.

"Here you go." A soft voice said, placing two plates down on the counter. You looked up at the fire monster and smiled, thanking him for the food. When he left to attend to another customer, you turned to Sans and whispered.

"Grillby can talk?" You asked in a hushed voice. Sans raised an eyebrow bone and chuckled.

"Yeah, but it's usually so loud in here you can't hear him." He responded, pouring a healthy amount of ketchup on his burger. "He used to be louder, but he got injured in the war. He doesn't lie to talk about it." He said quietly, holding the burger in front of his smile.

You didn't comment, but you did watch with awe as Sans opened his seemingly glued shut grin to take a huge bite from the burger. He saw your look and winked at you again. Flustered, you looked at your own plate and took a bite of your own meal.

It was every bit as good as you thought it would be. The not-sugary flavor, the not sticky texture. It was heaven. You must have groaned into the meal because Sans snorted and put his burger down.

"Sounds like someone's… _horney."_ He said, putting his index fingers to his forehead like bull horns. He was only able to hold his grin for half a second before he burst into laughter, one arm around his waist and the other on his skull.

You didn't want to laugh at it, because not only was it slightly inappropriate, but more importantly it was too much of a stretch to be a good pun.

You smacked him lightly on the shoulder before shaking your head again and going back to your burger. It took him a good two minutes to calm down enough to finish his plate. The two of you ate in silence until both plates were clear.

"You in the mood for desert?" Sans asked, wiping his mouth with a napkin. Though your stomach was full, the thought of something sweet after something ketchupy sounded good. You nodded as you ate a pickle that fell onto your plate. He was silent for a second, as if trying to think of what to say. "The chocolate lava cake it pretty stellar."

He didn't say it with his normal, jovial tone of voice. There was that sharp edge to his words again. The half-eaten pickle fell from your fingers as the meaning behind his words made your blood run cold.

"S-sounds good." You said, cursing the tremor in your voice. Sans was looking down at the bar, so you couldn't really see his expression. From your perspective, it was dark.

"Yeah, when you cut into it, the lifeblood of the cake just spills out, all over the plate." He continued, clenching his hands on his lap.

"You remember?" You said, so quietly you couldn't even hear yourself. It could also be the ringing in your ears that made it hard to hear. He gave a single, humorless huff of air and let his head fall back so he was looking at the ceiling. There were no lights in his eyes.

"Remember what kid? Remember watching you fall into the lava? Remember failing to save you twice? How could I FORGET?" He screamed the last word, slamming his fists on the bar. He seemed shocked by his own outbreak and let his hands fall limply onto his lap.

"Sans…" You said, your throat tight.

"Looks like my break time is over." He cut you off, his own voice shaking. "C-could you cover the bill? It's just 10,000g." He said, his grin so forced you thought he would snap.

"I-"

He cut you off again, running a hand down his face. "Just messing with ya kid. Grillbz'll put it on my tab."

You felt a pressure building in your chest again, and the last thing you wanted to do was spend another moment with people.

"I have to go." You mutter and try to run out the door, but a strong grip kept you firmly in place. Sans had grabbed your upper arm, his boney fingers painfully digging into your sweater. You turned back to face him and felt the blood drain from your cheeks.

His left eye was burning, yellow and blue and white swirling together like a while hot star. You thought for a moment that if the fire in his eye were to touch you, it would be a thousand times more painful than falling in lava.

"Nuh uh kiddo. You're comin with me." He said, or rather, growled. You numbly nodded, not able to speak. You blinked, and you were suddenly in a new room.

It looked like a shed or sorts, but it had been converted into cage. There were bars separating the room in half, one half filled with boxes and various weapons. The half you were on had a large dog bed, a dog food bowl filled with steaming spaghetti and a pile of blankets. There were a few boxes on that side as well, as if the brother's had run out of room on the storage side.

Sans was standing on the other side of the bars, looking at you with a sad expression. He took a deep breath and looked like he was going to say something, but hesitated.

"What is this?" You asked, horrified that he would do this. His expression shifted from sad to sullen.

"It's for your own good." He said, sounding like a child in that simple sentence. "There are extra blankets from Paps. I'll be back tomorrow and we can go out to get breakfast." He hesitated again, as if he was going to take a step towards you. Instead, he turned around and shuffled from the room, locking the door behind him.

You sat on the dog bed, shocked that he would lock you up like this. You went over to the bars and tested them. They were wide enough for a small child to squeeze through, but just too small for you to escape.

You suddenly felt trapped. Despite the wide open room you were in, you felt your breath turn shallow. You went through the blankets and wrapped one around your shoulders, hoping to block out the feeling. Something long and red dropped out from between two blankets.

It was a red scarf, and you instantly knew it was a gift from Papyrus. Warmth filled you for a second before a violent wind shook the shed.

How could he do this to you? He was supposed to be your friend.

Your eyes began to water painfully.

You fiddled with the scarf in your hands, your fingers automatically tying a familiar knot in the fabric. You had tied it a thousand times before, but never put it to use. You started tying nooses a few years ago, when the thoughts began to get too loud and you needed something to calm you down. Some people use stress balls, you tied nooses.

Within moments the scarf was no longer something left with love, but a weapon of destruction. You looked down at it with a mix of awe and apprehension, running your fingers against the soft fabric of the scarf.

It was amazing how something so simple caused so many clashing emotions inside of you. You glanced at the ceiling and saw the beams, a plan forming in your head.

* * *

Sans was sitting on his couch, not watching the show that was flickering on the screen. His head was filled with thoughts that he would rather chop off his own arm than think about. Images of another tall monster, cloaked in all black, tumbling off the bridge into the lava, his dust being eaten by the molten rock instantly.

Images of his own arm, magic and dust seeping from gashes in his arms.

Images of Papyrus, holding him and crying…

Sans wiped his face and took a shuddering breath. He refused to cry.

Suddenly, the world began to dim. His nonexistent stomach dropped as he teleported to the shed.

 _How could this have happened?_ He thought as he appeared in the room. He had just enough time before the world reset to see you dangling from the ceiling, one of the boxes pulled over to sit under you.

You swayed from side to side, your face distorted in a silent scream. Sans felt bile rising from his throat as the world went black.

* * *

You woke up by the same star for the third time. This time you knew which was to go to avoid everyone. You thought you would regret it, killing yourself over and over, but all you regretted was letting Sans see you die.

You continued on your path, taking slow shallow breaths to sooth the phantom pains in your throat. You came across Mettaton's resort, but you already talked to everyone in there before you died the first time. Would any of them be different if you were to talk to them again?

Since you couldn't die, you figured you might as well do everything possible. You thought back to the first time you saw the resort and remembered the rooms off to the right. Each had a request, which they revealed when they thought you were room service.

You knew one wanted a cinnamon bunny, and another wanted a sea tea. Checking your inventory, you saw you just happened to have those things. You were planning on saving the sea tea for your next battle, but what did it matter at this point?

You knocked on the first door, but realized you didn't have any way to give the monster what they wanted. On a whim, you took the bun and smooshed it flat. It just barely slipped under the door, and the monster was ecstatic, giving you a 10g tip. You did the same with the tea, receiving a 15g tip. You were glad they were enjoying their snacks.

You knocked on the last door, but there was no answer. You tried the knob, but it was locked. The monster moping the corridor was starting to get a little annoyed, so you wanted to get out of there so as not to annoy him further. As you turned to leave, the door creaked open.

You slowly turned around to look at the door, which was suddenly open just an inch. All you could see through the crack in the door was darkness. Your hand reached out to push the door open and you felt a rush of cold air.

You opened the door a little more by pushing it with your fingers, the cold seeping out faster and faster. You grab the knob to push it open all the way when something grabbed your wrist. Before you could scream, you were pulled into the room, the door locking behind you.

As soon as your arm was free, you cowered on the floor covering your face in fear. You were shivering, but that was only partially because of the temperature.

"Calm down kid. I just want to talk." A familiar voice said. You lower your arm shield and looked at Sans with a mix of shock and anger.

"Sans! What the hell?" You snapped, trying to calm your racing heart. The skeleton held his hands up in an 'I surrender' motion and took a step forward, extending his hand to help you up. You hesitated for a moment before accepting his hand and standing.

"I just want to talk." He said again, sounding more ominous. He took a step towards you, causing you to take a step back. The hotel bed hit your legs, causing you to fall onto the mattress. You thought for a moment about calling for help. "There's no use screaming. This room in particular is soundproof. It's Mettaton's private suite, but he owed me a favor. Now, let's talk."

"What is there to talk about?" You asked, a sinking feeling in your stomach that you knew what this was about. He chuckled deeply.

"There's quite a lot to talk about kid. Let's start with your arms, huh?" He said, sitting on the bed next to you.

"My arms?" you said, trying to stall the impending conversation.

"Yeah kid, your arms." He flicked a finger and the sleeves of your sweater flew up to your elbows, exposing all the crisscrossing lines covering your skin. "Seems like you've done quite a number on yourself. That doesn't seem very healthy."

"So?" You said, trying to keep yourself from sounding like a spoiled child.

"Why would you do something like this, huh kid?" He pushed his voice getting softer and calmer.

"A lot of reasons." You replied haltingly. He just sat there, looking at you and waiting for your answer. "I have this itch, and this is the only way to make it go away. Sometimes I mess up, and it's the best way to make sure I don't do it again… sometimes I can't feel anything and this is the only way I can actually feel anything at all." You rambled, not sure what to say.

"Don't worry kid. I'm not going to get mad or anything. Just tell me what you need to." He said softly.

"I just…" Your words caught in your throat. "I'm such a failure sometimes. I hate myself more than anything." It felt good to say those words out loud.

"You can't hate yourself kid. You have to learn to love yourself." He said.

"It's not that easy. Why do you think I'm here Sans? Here in the Underground? Because I jumped. Because I couldn't handle it anymore."

"Here, let me tell you a story kid." Sans said, cutting off your rambling rant. "Once upon a time there was a young monster. He was young, and reckless, and got into trouble more often than not. Now, this monster had a family. A happy one, in his opinion. A father that had a well-paying job and a brother that was always lit up the room. This young monster had everything he ever could have wanted, but he got greedy.

"He wanted to do what his dad did, so he worked hard when he was alone. He took all the books out of the library and memorized them. He stole equipment and set up his own lab in his garage. He thought he was being so sneaky, that he would be able to surprise his father. One day, when there were no more books to be read, no more experiments to be done, no more notebooks to be filled, the young monster thought he was ready.

"When his father left for work one morning, the young monster followed him. Now, the young monster knew his father worked in Hotland, but he didn't know where exactly. He followed his father carefully, making sure not to make any noise. He followed him this way and that, to a place he had never seen before. There was a long bridge he had to cross before he got to a large white building, and that seemed to be exactly where his father was going.

"The young monster's father walked across the bridge with no problem, so he followed. What the young monster didn't know, was that the bridge was a security measure. There were lasers and scanners every inch along the bridge. When the young monster set off the scanner, the alarms started. A large gun appeared from the wall and aimed right at the monster. His father turned around and saw his son in the way of the blast. He dived and knocked his son out of the way, but was shot in the center of his chest and was thrown off the edge of the bridge.

"The young monster watched his father fall off the bridge into the lava, watched his father die for him. He ran home as fast as he could. His brother was sitting home, waiting for him and his father to return. By the time he got back, his brother had forgotten about the father. The young monster was horrified. It was all his fault. He took it upon himself to right the wrong he had made.

"He became the royal scientist almost instantly. Somehow the King hadn't realized there was no royal scientist, that there had been none for a long time. The young monster made his way to the same bridge, but this time was able to walk across with no problem. He couldn't help but pause and stare at the spot his father died.

"The young monster worked day and night, injecting himself with experimental Determination and other things left around his father's lab. Everyone seemed to forget about the father, but his work was still there. The young monster's father was brilliant, and had thousands of blueprints for machines to improve the underground. The young monster also learned about his father's drinking habit. Drawers filled with flasks, fridges full of bottles. There was no end to the alcohol. In an effort to make himself more like the father he killed, the young monster started drinking. To his surprise, it made everything better!

"The headaches went away for a little while. The guilt and the sadness and the shame all disappeared. It was around that time that the young monster upped the experiments on himself. He could cut chunks out of his arms and legs and ribs, to see if there was a way to grow it back. To see if there was a way to create new tissue to save others.

"Soon though, he realized that cutting just for the experiments weren't enough. He began using the medical tools to remove full ribs, then used healing magic to reattach them. He would remove teeth and fingers and spine vertebra. In the end, all that experimenting permanently damaged his health. One day, the young monster was extremely drunk. He stumbled upon a room he had never seen before. It was dark and dusty and smelt like death.

"The young monster went in, using his magic to light up the room. What he saw in the room still haunts him to this day. There were jars lining the walls, each with something pulsating inside. The young monster was afraid, but even drunk off his ass he was curious. He went closer and wiped the dust off the closest jar. The young monster thought he would throw up.

"Inside the jar was a human soul. It was small and weak, proving it had been there for a long time. He wiped the dust from the second jar, and the third, and the fourth. They were all the same. Six human souls, all weak and dim. There was a seventh, empty jar at the end. But that wasn't all that was in the room. There were tables and containers and more jars, all filled with bits and pieces of what the young monster could only assume were humans.

"He did throw up. He ran from the room and locked the door. The young monster had such a surge of emotion that the Determination inside of him activated. Things started to float around and catch on fire. The young monster just wanted to go home, and suddenly there he was. He was in the living room of his house, surrounded by the items closest to him from the lab.

"His brother rushed to him, worried. The young monster lashed out at his brother, throwing magic directly at his faced in a panic. The young monster's boosted magic hit his brother in the eyes, destroying the lights. The young monster, even guiltier than ever, ran to his lab. He wished for some alcohol, any kind, to make it go away.

"The young monster suddenly found himself at an unfamiliar bar. He could see snow from outside the window. He was served by an older flame monster who was starting to go out and a younger flame monster that was just starting to learn the ropes. The bartender told the young monster about the town, and more importantly about the abandoned house at the edge of the town. The young monster saw this as the perfect opportunity.

"He drank himself into a stupor and had to wait until morning to go home. By then, his brother had healed himself, but the damage to his eyesight was irreversible. Within the next few hours, the young monster moved himself and his brother to the abandoned house in the snow town, to start over. He never touched his lab coat again, opting for more comfortable clothes. He never used his magic to its full potential again, and he never told his brother why they moved, or what happened to his eyes, or anything that happened in the Core.

"The young monster never dropped his habits though. He kept cutting and drinking, to drown out the guilt and the pain and the voices in his head. To this day he can't escape his own demons, so he tried to help others that may be going through the same thing." Sans finished, looking at his lap.

"Sans…" You didn't know what to say. You knew almost from the beginning who the young monster in the story was, and it killed you to hear what your friend had gone through.

"Look, I don't want your pity kid. I want you to learn from my mistakes. Don't let this consume you, because you'll end up hurting those you care about."

"Is that why Papyrus thought I was a rock?" You asked, piecing things together a little at a time.

"Yeah…" He said with a sigh. He ran his hand over the top of his skull and hunched over. "I've tried everything to get his eyesight back, but it all ends in failure. And he won't wear the glasses I got him unless he's at home because he thinks they make him look 'uncool'."

"It wasn't your fault." You said after several minutes of silence. He didn't react other than letting out a harsh bark of laughter.

"It was most definitely my fault. Pops told me time and time again to stay away from the lab, to stay home and take care of Paps. If I had just listened none of this would have happened… I doomed my family."

You didn't know what to say. You wrapped an arm around his shoulders and let him rest his head on your shoulders.

"I'm sorry Sans." You said softly. You realized when he was telling his story that the death of his father was almost the same as the first time you threw yourself into the lava.

"Don't leave me too." He whispered. As soon as the words left his mouth, he tensed up and tried to pull away. You didn't let he move.

"I won't. I'm sorry I tried to leave you. I won't do it again." You said, gently running your fingers over his skull.

The two of you sat in silence for a long time, each other's breathing calming the other down. You soon found yourself drifting off to sleep.

"Go to sleep kid. We can talk more in the morning." His voice wasn't nearly as hoarse as when he was trying to tell the story. You gave a silent agreement and moved to lay down on the hotel bed. He followed your lead and laid next to you.

* * *

 **Hey everyone! As promised, a long update. Thank you everyone for all your support and love. It was amazing waking up to see all the notifications. You guys are beyond amazing.**

 **This chapter kind of went everywhere, but every time I came back to write a new section I was in a different state of mind so each section is very different.**

 **I feel like the chapters are getting a little repetitive, but hopefully I can write some of the amazing suggestions I have and not screw it up.**

 **If you have any questions from any of the chapters about why something happened or what happened next, feel free to ask! The tumblr blog also has asks open, so if you want to send Anon messages or see the art that had been submitted, check you** **loveyourselfstory** **and #loveyourselfstory.**

 **Until next time!  
Starlight. **


	48. Ghosted - Self harm

**Warnings – self harm, suicidal thoughts, self-deprecation**

* * *

"Sans you'll never guess what happened!" You were basically vibrating with excitement. It was really a fluke – you just happened to be in the right place at the right time. The skeleton lazily looked up from his papers, his grin relaxed. He was always most relaxed while working on some kind of science. And since breaking the barrier, he had more time to do just that.

"What happened kiddo? Something exciting, I'm guessing." He said, his low voice more familiar to you than your own at this point. You grinned and hugged him tightly.

"I met someone." You beamed despite the strain his smile seemed to gain.

"Met someone huh? Like, a boy?" He asked. If you hadn't been so blinded by happiness you would have heard the hesitation in his voice.

"Yes like a boy! Remember how my friend dragged me to that car show this weekend?" You prompted. A few days ago, one of your best friends got roped into going to the car show with her family and she begged you to go with her, just so she didn't have to suffer alone. Sans nodded after you let him go, rubbing the back of his neck as if you had hurt him. "Well, this boy was working security and we got talking! Turns out he's into all the same things I am. I gave him my number and we've been talking all weekend!"

"Sounds… like you had quite the weekend." Sand said dryly. You grinned dreamily until you heard your phone buzz. Your hand shot to your pocket in a flash and you were instantly reading the text with a giggle sigh.

' _Did you get home safe?'_ He sent you with a cute emoji. You felt your face warm with how much he cared about your well-being.

' _Safe and sound. I didn't even go over 70!"_ You had joked about fast driving, and he seemed so serious when he told you to stay safe.

"Is that him?" Sans asked nonchalantly, jokingly trying to peek over your shoulder. You locked your phone and put it back in your back pocket before turning to the short skeleton.

"Yes, it was. I'm going to go home but we should have another movie night soon. We still haven't finished that monster TV show from ages ago." You smiled at him, but it was more of a toothy grin. Much different than the soft smile you gave your phone.

Sans waved you off and got back to his work. You practically floated out of his house and down the street to yours. The skeleton stared at his papers, an uneasy feeling growing in this stomach. He tried working on his project more, but the feeling just kept growing until he wasn't able to concentrate at all. With a sigh, Sans put the papers away and went to see Grillby.

* * *

 _'You're so beautiful.'_

 _'You're the first thing on my mind when I woke up again today.'_

 _'You're way too good for me.'_

 _"What did I do to deserve meeting you?"_

You couldn't help but giggle as you reread the messages. This boy really was amazing. He respected you more than anyone had before. He always complimented you, and always said how he didn't deserve you, how he wasn't good enough for you. Of course you denied that and told him it was the opposite, but he never really let him say bad things about yourself.

"Hey kid. Haven't seen you in a while." Sans commented as you walked into your kitchen. He was casually sipping coffee out of the novelty skull mug you had gotten for a laugh. It wasn't an unusual sight, Sans just randomly appearing in your kitchen and making himself at home. What was odd was how he had his brow furrowed for some reason.

"I've been talking to-" I cradled my phone lovingly.

"I know, I know. You've been chatting with your new boyfriend. You don't have any time for little ol' Sansy anymore." He cut you off with a dramatic sigh, resting the back of his hand on his forehead and tilting back in his chair.

"You know that's not it! I've just been preoccupied." You blushed when you realized that maybe he was right about the fact you've been talking to this boy more than Sans. He laughed lazily and set the front chair legs back on the tiled floor.

"I know. I'm just messing with ya," He winked and you pursed your lips. "Why don't we go out? I've been dying for a good cup of coffee."

"What, is my coffee not good enough for you?" you teased him as you slipped your phone into your back pocket. He tipped the skull mug back, finishing the last sip and placing it back on the table with a thud.

"Nope. Come on kid, coffee's on you." With another wink, he grabbed your arm and teleported to the nearest café.

"Sans, take a picture with me!" You said excitedly. You had told the boy all about your best friend Sans, and he seemed really interest to hear about a living skeleton. You snapped a picture of the two of you, Sans' grin extra wide and your face flushed slightly.

You sent the picture and ordered your drink, setting your phone on the table. A few minutes later I returned to the table and were excited to see what the boy had said about the picture. With an odd feeling, you saw he hadn't responded yet.

He had been a lighting fast texter for the past two weeks, but everyone has to step away from their phones for a little while, right? You didn't let it deter you though. You locked your phone and blew on your coffee to cool it off enough to drink.

Your date with your friend went as well as they normally do. You almost snorted your coffee at one of his jokes, and he drake three times as much as you did. You even went for a muffin to split. It was nice, being able to just talk to Sans again.

Despite the continuous conversations, you found yourself checking your phone every few minutes. Each time, you felt a slight stab of disappointment at the lack of notifications. You finished your coffee finally and started digging through your bag to find your wallet.

"Don't worry about it kid," Sans pulled out a twenty and slapped in into the counter, letting the barista keep the change. "It's the least I can do for my favorite human."

Just then, your phone buzzed. You practically doze back to the table to grab your phone, but deflated completely when you realized it was just an email. Sans looked at you strangely, but didn't comment on your strange behavior.

Halfway home, he texted you back. You jumped to respond, giggling at his remarks on the picture. Sans glanced at you and shoved his hands in his pockets.

"He finally got back to you, huh?" He asked, watching the birds fly across the sky.

"He fell asleep," You said, happily typing away. You didn't notice him glance at you oddly. "I don't blame him though. He's been staying up late to talk to me."

"Hmm." He hummed, not saying anything in particular. You looked over at him, narrowing your eyes a little but didn't say anything either.

* * *

It had been almost twenty four hours since he last texted you. You sat on your bed, going over the past weekend's events in complete detail. Three days ago you had met up with him in person since the first time you met and spent the night at the party. It had been so much fun, and he held you in his arms while you slept that night.

To you, it had been perfect. He had complimented you so much you thought your head was going to melt right off. But now he was acting distant. The past three days, you sent him messages about your day as you usually did, but instead of responding with interest he just never sent anything back. You knew he was getting them though.

You felt your breathing pick up again. You had already talk yourself out of a panic attack once today, but you could feel yourself slipping into another one.

Glancing at your thigh, you knew you were going to make another mistake. Maybe meeting him was a mistake in the first place-

No. He was so nice to you. He cared about you. He thought you were beautiful and too good for him, which was a complete lie. He was the one that was too good for you. You shook your head and grabbed the pair of scissors again.

Your habit had started a few years back, but it never got too out of hand, but this was making you question your self-worth even more than usual. You sliced the scissors across your thigh, watching and waiting for the familiar sight of the blood to bubble up.

You checked your phone again, but there was nothing. You cut your leg again, wishing you had something sharper to make the pain go away. You laughed at the irony of that thought. Creating pain to stop the pain…

You reread your last few messages, trying to figure out what you had done wrong.

 _'You'll never guess what happened!'_

 _'I snagged two tickets to the concert by my place this weekend! You can still come right?'_

 _'I guess you're still sleeping. Text me when you're up!'_

 _'Is everything alright?'_

You didn't think you were being too clingy or weird, but damn it hurt. What went wrong? What did you do wrong?

A sob ripped its way through your chest, just as painfully as the blade that ripped through your skin. You sent him one last goodnight text and turned your phone off. You bandaged your leg carefully and went to bed, your tears soaking into your pillow.

* * *

"You ready to go kid?" Sans was standing in the doorframe of your room, or rather, he was leaning against the doorframe in such a way it looked like his feet were about to slip out from under him. You were fixing your hair one last time, but in reality you were stalling for time. The boy was supposed to be there. He said he would go to this concert with you two weeks ago, but his responses were few and far in between.

"Yeah… let's head out." You said reluctantly, grabbing your phone and the tickets. Sans offered to teleport you directly to the front of the venue, but you weren't going to risk getting kicked out of the concert.

"He still hasn't said anything?" He guessed, seeing you depressed demeanor. You nodded but didn't say anything. He sighed and pulled you into a hug before teleporting you to the front gates. The two of you turned in your tickets and made your way to the pit.

You took out your phone and deflated again. You were suddenly filled with such bitterness opened Snapchat and sent him pictures from throughout the night. You wanted to get the message across that he was supposed to be there with you, but he wasn't, and now he's missing this fun time. He opened the first few, which made you feel better, but halfway through he just stopped.

The rest of the concert was fun, but the fact he stopped opening your pictures itched the back of your mind.

* * *

"Kid? Are you alright?" Sans asked to the silent house. You hadn't left the house in three days and everyone was staring to get worried. He went upstairs and opened the door to your room. He had prepare himself for the worst, but what he saw was even worse than what he prepared himself for.

You were lying on the bed, wearing a tank top and sleep shorts. Your thigh was exposed and bleeding heavily, the blade from a pencil sharpener on the sheets next to you. Your tank top had ridden up some and showed that your stomach was in the same state as your thigh.

You were awake, but you just stared at the ceiling. You didn't blink when he came in, nor did you blink when he rushed to your side, frantically trying to wipe away the blood congealing on your skin. You blinked slowly, barely turning your head to look at him.

"Kid, what the fuck?" He was almost yelling, but Sans didn't really know how to yell. He just raised his voice past the mellow tone he usually used. "Is this what you've been doing? Why would you do this?"

"Why wasn't I good enough?" You whispered, your voice ragged. Sand paused his actions and stared at you in shock. "What did I do wrong? Was I wrong? Am I just… wrong? Is that why he started ghosting me?"

"Wait, start from the beginning." He said, helping you sit up. He wiped his boney hands on the sheets, not caring about staining the fabric because there were already dried stains covering the once pretty pattern.

"I don't know what happened. He just… stop responding. Everything seemed to be going so well. He was so nice to me. I knew he was too good for me right from the start." You sobbed, hiding your face in your hands. Sans pulled you into his arms and held you tight.

"It wasn't anything you did, I promise. He was an absolute idiot for letting someone as amazing as you slip through his fingers." He rubbed your arm in a calming motion. He could feel your heartbeat thrumming against your ribcage and his new concern was that you were going to pass out.

"I thought maybe his phone wasn't working," You started, your voice monotone and muffled by his jacket. "So I messaged him online. He read it almost immediately but never responded. I waited and waited and waited but he never responded. I told him if he didn't w-want anything with me, that he should j-just tell me, b-but still nothing."

"You stood up for yourself, huh?" Sans knew you had a hard time standing up for yourself when it came to romantic relationships. Normally, you let them step all over you, always putting them before yourself, but for the first time you put yourself out there and called this guy out for the way he was treating you. "I'm so proud of you kid."

"Why wasn't I good enough for him Sans?" I asked, my voice cracking pathetically as I sobbed into his jacket.

"You're plenty good enough." He said with such a serious tone you couldn't help but pull back and look at him with shock. His normal grin was turned down into a grimace. He started to say something else, but you cut him off.

"Just sit with me for tonight" You weren't in the mood to listen to Sans tell you good things about yourself. It just reminded you of all the things the boy had told you. Sans sighed and pulled you onto his lap. He leaned against the headboard and let you fall asleep on his chest.

* * *

"God… I'm so pathetic," You whimpered through your tears. It had been a week since the breakdown Sans saw and there has been zero contact from the boy. "I should have been able to move on already."

Your voice cracked as you sliced your leg again. God, you wished these thoughts would just stop. The thoughts told you horrific things that made a lot of sense.

He stopped responding because you were too clingy. Because you're too fat. Because you weren't funny or cute. Everything he said was a lie. He never liked you. He thought you were pathetic. He never thought you were beautiful. You deserved everything you were going through for being stupid enough to think he could actually love someone like you.

You sobbed hysterically, heaving painful breaths with each outburst. You took the razor and placed it over the vein on my arm, contemplating the idea of just ending it.

You had thought about it a few times before, but you felt so awful right then that it seemed like the best option. You were alone, heartbroken. Who could possibly love you now? You thought maybe he could, but now that you were disfigured by your own hand? No one could love you now.

You tried to press down, but you couldn't even bring yourself to break the skin. With a scream, you threw the blade across the bathroom. It sliced through the shower curtain and clattered in the tub. You brought your knees up to your chest, not caring if you smeared crimson all over your chest. You sobbed into your knees, hoping that maybe you would pass out from blood loss and forget about the thoughts in your head.

Leaning against the cabinet, you closed your eyes and waited to black out.

You felt cold hands against your face but couldn't find the energy to open your eyes. Someone was shaking you, and it was so bothersome that you found the energy to look. Sans was kneeling in front of you, red splattered across his bones. His face was twisted in such an expression of horror you felt your stomach drop.

"Sans? What are you doing here?" You asked, your voice faint.

"I came to check on you!" His voice was high and panicky, nothing like the low, calm tone he normally spoke in.

"…'m fine." You mumbled, eyes closing. He slapped you so hard your eyes flew open completely.

"You have to stay awake." He practically screamed. You struggled to stay awake, if it would make him happy.

"I'm sorry Sans. I didn't mean to go this far." You told him. The throbbing in your cheek helped you focus on your words.

"Why did you do this?" He practically begged. You blinked but forced yourself awake again. It was getting harder and harder to keep your eyes open.

"I wasn't good enough… I needed to remind myself why he didn't like me."

"He's the one who wasn't good enough. He's the scum bag that fucked you over and left you in the dust. I swear if I ever meet this guy I'll rip his jaw off his face." His face had contorted into the scariest glower I had ever seen. Just the sight of it sent enough adrenaline through me to make it easy to stay alert.

"It's fine Sans, I accepted it already." You leaned against him, your body heavy. He tried shaking you again, but the slight adrenaline leaving your system added to the blood loss made it almost impossible to stay awake.

"Don't you close your eyes," He started panicking again. "You can't fall asleep." You chuckled weakly and rested your head on his shoulder.

"I promise I'll wake up again. It's not as bad as it looks. I've been through worse. Just don't tell anyone. Please Sans?" You used the last of the strength to make him agree. When he finally nodded – albeit reluctantly – You let yourself fall asleep.

* * *

"- I don't know what your problem is, but if anything happens to the id I swear I'll make you feel the same pain-" Sans' voice was the first thing you heard when you woke up. He must have heard you stir because he cut off and said something under his breath.

"Sans?" Your throat hurt and your body felt like lead. I felt his hand in mine and my chest lightened a little bit.

"Oh thank God," He breathed. "It's been twelve hours. I was about to call an ambulance."

"I told you I would wake up." You gave him a weak smile, which he returned just as weakly.

"You had me so worried. You can't do that to me ever again, alright kid? You can ever scare me like that again."

"Who were you talking to?" You asked, sitting up. Your head spun but it wasn't so bad that you couldn't stay upright.

"…No one." He said curtly. He looked towards his phone and you knew he was lying.

"Sans…" You said threateningly. Or rather, it would have been threatening if you didn't sound like you just woke up from a thousand year sleep. He sighed and took your hand again. His bones were warmer than you remembered them being last.

"I got that asshole's number from your phone and let him know what I thought about him. 'course he didn't answer though. I left a message." He practically growled. His eye sockets darkened, but his face quickly lightened when he saw you getting upset.

"You didn't have to do that." You said, your voice finding its strength a little at a time. He laughed and rubbed the back of his skull with his free hand.

"Yeah well, when one of the most important people in my life feels like shit because of how they were treated, you better believe the person who did it will feel my wrath."

"Thanks Sans. I shouldn't have gotten so torn up over a boy who I only talked to for four weeks." You glanced down at your lap in shame. Sans made you look up at him.

"You had every right to be torn up. He made you fall for him with his compliments and charm. But it was his mistake for letting you go. I mean, any guy would be lucky to even have you say hello to them, let alone fall in love with them."

"Thanks Sans." You didn't know what to say. You were choking up at his words, but it didn't feel right to say anything other than a simple thanks.

"I'll always be here for you kiddo," He grinned, running his hand through your hair. He leaned in and placed a skeleton kiss on your forehead before pulling away and tugging the blanket up over your shoulders. "GO back to sleep. Now that I know you'll wake up, I can see how exhausted you are. I can make something for you to eat when you wake up." He smiled at you and stood, stretching and heading to the door. He paused in the doorframe when you called his name.

"I don't deserve a friend like you." You said as you drifted off to sleep again. Sans made a sound in the back of his throat, and you just barely caught what he said in response before you fell asleep again.

"Nah kid. I'm the one that doesn't deserve you."

* * *

 **Hey everyone… I have no excuse for being so awful. I had plans for writing a ton more this summer, but time just got away from me. I started writing a book, and it's been coming along so well that I'm almost done it! I even have an editor to help me hopefully publish it.**

 **I've also been doing a lot of writing on AO3 (The link to that profile will be in my bio, as per the request of a review) in Overwatch and a personal story I'm writing for a friend. If you want to check those out and leave feedback, it'll mean a whole lot to me!**

 **For those interested in my actual life, things have been decent. Boy troubles and the impending doom of school have kept me on my toes, no doubt about that. A word of advice to everyone: Don't use Tinder. It's dumb and boring and you'll have guys who just want to screw messaging you day and night.**

 **Thank you everyone who's stuck with this story during the many hiatuses (Hiati?) and for everyone who's supported me through the past year. And yes, this story is almost a year old already. I'll definitely have something up for the one year anniversary, which is coming up this September!**

 **That's all I have for right now. If you've messaged me and I haven't responded, that's because I'm awful. I see your messages and promise I'll respond in a minute and get distracted. I'm sorry. I'm actually the worst.**

 **Until next time!**

 **~Starlight**


	49. First Day of School - anxiety

**Warnings- anxiety**

* * *

"Shouldn't you be heading to bed soon?" Sans asked from the couch. You had been putting off your issues for the past few hours with a movie marathon with your best friend. Some thought it was strange that you decided to stay with the shorter skeleton after you made it back to the surface, but you couldn't be happier.

"Yeah I guess." You relented only a little bit but didn't move. He grinned at you but that's his usual expression.

"Don't you have school in the morning?" He poked you in the side gently and you twisted away from his touch. You felt your heartbeat pick up at the thought of starting school. You took a deep breath but your chest was hurting really badly.

"Yeah…" Your voice was so quiet Sans almost didn't hear it.

"You don't sound too excited." He commented, turning off the television with a click. You bit your lip but didn't know how to respond.

"I'm a little scared," You admitted hesitantly. "I don't know if I can handle the work. I don't know if I'll be able to pass my classes. What if I fail out of school? I won't be able to get a good job, and then I'll end up on the streets selling myself to buy dinner. What will Mom think of me if I fail out of school?" You were crying at that point, the hot tears burning paths down your cheeks. Your anxiety had been building and growing for days but talking about everything out loud made it seem that much worse and that much realer.

"First of all Kid, I know you're smart," Sans tossed a pillow at you so you could wrap your arms around it and rest your chin on it. "You're grades are pretty good when you don't try, and you know I'm always here to help you study. You're not going to fail out, I can promise you that, and even if you did – which is impossible for you to do – you wouldn't end up on the streets. You have me, for one. And everyone else from the Underground too. We won't let you live in a box."

"S-sans…" You sniffled. You never knew how much he cared about you. He had helped you study for tests before in the past, but you never knew how much faith he had in you. It warmed your heart. Wiping your eyes, you smiled at him.

"I told ya, I'll always be here for you," He ruffled your hair and you couldn't help the giggle that escaped your lips. "No go to bed. I know what a monster you are in the morning."

* * *

"So how did it go?" Sans asked as you walked in the front door. He was sitting at the kitchen table, typing away at the laptop Toriel gave him in order to do his science stuff. There was an empty mug in front of him and a cold, half-filled pot of coffee in the maker.

"Have you moved at all since I left this morning?" You asked, putting the coffee pot in the microwave.

"Nope," He grinned that half lidded smile he tended to give. "Was school as awful as you thought it would be?"

"Not really. My teachers seem pretty cool so far, and I have at least one friend in each class." You poured him a fresh mug and he sipped it without waiting for it to cool. "I've already gotten some homework, but its common sense stuff."

"What did Uncle Sansy tell ya?" he chuckled deeply and gestured for you to sit. "Nothing can get my kid down for long."

"Shut up you sentimental goof." You grinned at him, but you couldn't help the happiness that rose in your chest.

"Let's go do something. I haven't moved since you left this morning." He winked and stood, making a huge deal of his cracking joints.

"Alright Sans. Let's celebrate the first day of school being over." You stood too, putting his mug in the sink.

"And celebrate the rest of the year just starting."

* * *

 **I was in the mood for another update, even if it's super short – something I apologize for. I hate to say it, but I can't promise any more for a few days at least. I wasn't even planning on writing this but classes start tomorrow and I'm starting to freak out a little bit.**

 **If anyone is starting school soon and is really scared, don't sweat it. Anything that may seem overwhelming is really just your mind telling you things that aren't true. You can do it! You'll pass your classes no problem and have fun doing it! I believe in you!**

 **Until next time!**

 **Starlight**


	50. Drop Out - Self Harm

**Warnings- self harm, suicide, anxiety attacks**

* * *

"Whoah there Kiddo, what happened?" Sans asked as he came in the front door. You were on the couch, crying and trying to sip some tea without spilling it. You knew your face was a mess, but you were too distraught to care.

"I f-failed my test." You whimpered, thinking about it making your tears renew again. You knew you didn't do that well, but you at least thought you had gotten a B but instead you were barely a handful of points from an F. The second you saw it, you started crying.

"Oh man, that's awful." He came to sit next to you on the couch and wrapped an arm around you. You leaned into his embrace and cried more. You had always gotten decent grades, so a failing test seemed to be the end of the world.

"How am I going to bring my grade back up?" You blubbered. "How am I going to pass this class? It's so important to my major. How am I supposed to do this for the rest of my life if I can't even pass one class?"

"Don't look at it that way," He said, rubbing your back. "Think of it as you facing adversity and overcoming an awful teacher."

"God I'm such an idiot." You whimpered again.

"No you're not. You're smart and creative and everyone is going to love you when you graduate."

"Thanks Sans." You say wetly. He just hummed and hugged you tighter.

* * *

You sat on your bed, trying to keep yourself from sobbing loudly. Sans had to leave a few hours ago to help Papyrus with something at the local gym – the taller skeleton took to using the human gym to train after breaking the barrier with Undyne and surprisingly Alphys, who was more motivated to exercise ever since confessing to the fish woman. Now, you were alone in the house you shared with the brothers, almost all of the lights off.

You tried to keep from doing anything you would regret, but that red number kept screaming at you, even after you threw it into the trashcan. After an hour of fighting with yourself, you caved. Now there were two dozen shallow cuts on your thigh. If Sans were to find out, he would be so disappointed with you.

 _You're so dumb. There's no way you could get a job. No one would want to hire someone who failed so miserably. You might as well give up now. You're pathetic. You're stupid. You're better off dead. You have no future no matter how hard you try. You should give up. Everyone will be happier if you give up._

The voice in your head screamed at you despite the cuts on your thigh. Usually cutting stopped the voice, but it seemed extra violent for some reason. You shuddered and sobbed again, biting your lip until a metallic taste filled your mouth, but it didn't help.

"Jeez Kid are you okay?" Sans asked from the other side of your door. You sniff loudly and say something inaudible. Sans opens the door and comes in, knowing he was the only one you wouldn't be mad at for entering your room without asking.

"I don't want to be here anymore." You whispered, your voice scratchy. Sans' eyelights seemed to dim as he processed what you said. He came to sit next to you, but you didn't lean into his warmth like you normally do.

"Again? What caused it this time?" He knew about your suicidal thoughts. He knew for a long time - he was one of the first down in the Underground who figured out why you were down there in the first place. You made him pinky promise not to tell anyone, and so far he's kept his promise. You looked at him and felt shame.

"The test…" You said, tearing up again. The voice screamed at you. _Of course it was the test. You're a failure. You're going to be a burden on your friends until you die because you're too pathetic to pass class. You'll never graduate and you'll end up alone and dying because no one will want to deal with your stupid ass._

"Is that all?" Sans asked, pulling away and looking at you with a faint grin. You felt a spear stab through your chest.

"All…?" You repeated shakily.

"Yeah, I was worried it was something serious for a second. Don't scare me like that." He chuckled, but there was a ringing in your ears. He didn't think you were being serious. He didn't think this was worth being upset over. He was right. It wasn't worth getting upset over, but you were anyway. You were so pathetic.

"I think I want to be alone now." You said with more force in your voice that you thought possible. Sans blinked at you but didn't push it. He rubbed your back one more time before standing and leaving, making sure to close the door behind him.

As soon as he left, you felt more tears burn their way down your face. Even Sans thought you were pathetic. Out of everyone, you thought Sans would understand, but you were wrong. Of course you were wrong. You were pathetic and stupid and dumb. Everyone hates you.

You took out your pencil case from under the bed and unzipped it with surprisingly steady fingers. You pulled out the small razor you had taken out of a pencil sharpener months ago but had kept hidden. The pencil case also had bandages and tape, which you have run out of several times since starting the kit.

You made a new line for everything the voice said about you. You cut over the lines that had just stopped bleeding, wincing and grinning at the pain it brought you. You deserved it for trying to tell him. You were too stupid. Too pathetic. You were an unlovable idiot.

Your breathing started to pick up painfully. You knew you were about to have a panic attack, but you knew you couldn't go to Sans this time. Your vision started blurring as the oxygen overloaded your body. Gasping for a deep breath, you started choking. You shoved your face in your pillow in hopes that it would keep yourself under control, that almost suffocating yourself would calm you down – it didn't. You could feel the blood dripping down your leg as you sobbed into your pillow.

You knew you were overreacting. It was just one bad test grade. But to you, and to the voice in your head, that one bad test grade determined the rest of your life.

You eventually drifted off to sleep, letting the blood harden into a brown blob on your leg.

* * *

It's been almost a month and you haven't gotten any better. In fact, one may argue that you've gotten even worse.

You've been avoiding Sans as much as possible. The voice kept telling you that he didn't want to be bothered by you. He was too smart to be dealing with your idiocy. Since that last test, you've failed every assignment given to you.

There was no point in trying anymore. You've stopped paying attention in class, stopped taking notes. In the classes that you even bothered showing up to, you slept through. Your professors tried reaching out – they knew you were a good student before. They didn't understand why you had suddenly given up.

"Hey Kid, I got a call from one of your teachers," Sans came up to you one day, practically cornering you in the kitchen. You shrugged and tried to push past him, but he was solid. "They're worried about you. Apparently you've been skipping class, falling asleep, not turning in assignments and half assing the ones you do turn in. They also mentioned some of the drawings they found on your work. Real disturbing stuff. Anything you want to talk about?"

"I'm fine." Was all you said, finally pushing past him and going up to your room. You locked the door behind you, forgetting that doors and locks never made a difference to the shorter skeleton. You went to change, slipping your shirt off just as the door flew open again.

You were caught red handed – or rather red stomached. Your torso was littered in dozens of cuts in a variety of shades of red. You quickly tried to put your shirt back on, but you were frozen in place. You could see the fire in his eye and felt as though you were going to throw up.

"It doesn't look like you're fine." He growled, his grin tightening.

"Let me go Sans." You said with more confidence than you thought you were able.

"I don't think so. It seems like there's a lot to talk about." The pressure surrounding you tightened.

"Put me down. I'm meeting with some friends." Your voice was dead. So dead in fact, that Sans lost control of his magic for a second, which caused you to fall to the ground in a pile. You slipped a new shirt on over your head and grabbed a jacket before pushing past him.

"When did I lose you?" You heard him asked as you walked back down the stairs.

"A long time ago." You said back, so quietly you weren't sure if he could hear you. Oh well, it was for the best.

You really were going to meet with some friends, or rather some people you met behind the school one day that offered you a way to ignore the voice. They hung around the liquor store, drinking and smashing bottles. One of them was of age and would buy alcohol for the minors if they had money. You made your way over and one noticed you. They raised a hand in greeting but other than that they didn't make a big deal of it.

"Have the cash?" The oldest asked. You nodded and dug it out of your pocket. It was the money you had been saving for textbooks, but what was the point in saving for textbooks if you were just going to flunk out anyway?

"Hey, weren't you in my public speaking class last semester?" Another asked you. You looked at him and realized he was a little familiar.

"Probably." You said simply. He came a little closer, towering over you.

"Yeah it was definitely you. You did that whole speech about the monsters," He said, his whole face lighting up in recognition. I waited for an insult, but it never came. "I thought it was really cool. No doubt it was the best in the class."

"Thanks." You nodded curtly and took the bottle the first person handed you. The second person, whose name was Jake? Josh? You didn't remember. Jake/Josh looked at you again, this time with a puzzled expression.

"You aced that class, and I heard you talking about your GPA. Why're you hanging out with us if you're so good at school? Everyone knows we're the drop outs." He shoved his hands in his pockets. You stared at him, wondering what to tell him.

"Well, I'm failing now so here I am. I was never good enough for college anyway. It was a waste of my time and money." You said bitterly, taking another sip. The alcohol burned as it went down, but you had learned to enjoy the pain.

"You? Failing? That's hard to believe." Jake/Josh said with a laugh. You didn't laugh with him. You instead pulled out your phone and pulled up your grades. He read them with an incredulous look on his face. "Holy crap you really are failing." He breathed as you put your phone away and took another few sips.

No one said anything for a few minutes as you guzzled as much of your bottle as possible. You tossed the empty container into the pile of bottles to be smashed and gave a curt wave before walking away. Those people weren't your friends.

You made it back to your house somehow, despite your vision blurring a little and your feet walking slower than your mind thought they were. You opened the door and tried to go up the steps, only to trip on the first one.

"Kid?" Sans asked from the kitchen. You scowled and ignored him, going up the rest of the steps more carefully. You didn't hear him follow you, but even if you had, you wouldn't have cared. You went into the bathroom the three of you shared and took out a bottle of your sleeping pills – weak, over the counter stuff, but it helped you. You tipped four out onto your hand and threw them back with some water. You accidentally knocked the bottle over and scattered the pills all over the floor but you were too drunk to think about picking them up. Instead you just went to your room and climbed into bed without bothering to get changed.

You didn't expect to hear a shout from the bathroom, or to have your door practically kicked open. Within seconds, Sans was at your side, trying to make you throw up. You tried to push him away, but you were already so nauseous that you really didn't have the strength for it. Within minutes your stomach was empty and your head was pounding.

"Sans what the fuck?" You asked angrily as you tried to pull off your soiled shirt. He looked at you with such anger you thought he was going to hit you. Good. You deserved it.

"What the fuck me? What the fuck _you_?" He practically spat at you, but you didn't have the energy to flinch away. "You come home drunk off your ass and try to kill yourself? How could you do that to us? We love you so much." You blinked at him, not comprehending what he was saying at first. When you did, you felt anger flare up in your chest.

"I wasn't trying to kill myself, I was just trying to go to sleep. And besides, why would you care? You didn't notice when I tried last week to off myself. No, you didn't notice then, but when I really just want to sleep you play the over protective dad card. I see how it is." The bitterness in your tone almost shocked you. Almost.

You wish you could have said you almost forgot about your attempt, but in reality it's been haunting you every minute of your day, both waking and sleeping. You never told Sans. You knew he didn't care.

"You… what?" He sounded so lost that you almost felt bad, but you didn't. You were pathetic and stupid. You didn't have feelings like that. You were suddenly wrapped up in a tight hug. You could feel his bones digging into your sides as you tried to struggle but he held you firmly. You could feel wetness spreading on your shoulder and realized with a pang that he was crying. You had made him cry, you worthless, idiotic sack of shit.

"I tried to kill myself. That's all. Nothing serious to worry about." You said echoing his own words with a bitter twist. He practically dropped you with how fast he pulled away, a look on his face you had never seen before.

"N-nothing to worry about? What the fuck is going on with you? And I want real answers. Skipping class, getting drunk, attempting suicide… What happened? What happened to the bright little kid that broke the barrier and saved us?"

"That kid was a faker," You told him. "They didn't know anything. They were stupid and naïve and pathetic. They wouldn't have been able to pass a single test if they hadn't had the help of the monsters. They would have died down there. They should have died down there."

"You don't really think that, do you?" He asked, but the look in your eyes told him all he needed to know to answer his question. "You're not stupid, alright? You're so smart. You had – you still have - such a bright future. What I don't understand is why you're throwing it away like this."

"You can't throw away something you never had," You spit out. "I'm a complete idiot. I'm stupid and pathetic and I'll just be a waste of everyone's time. I was never going to go anywhere in life. No one is going to want to hire someone like me. I should have given up a long time ago, but I was delusional enough to think that studying was all it took to be smart. Well new flash, it's not."

"Wait, is this all because of that one test grade?" Sans breathed. You could see him connecting the dots in his head. He was always so much smarter than you. "You gave up because of one test? You didn't you tell me? We could have worked together to bring your grade up and-"

"Come to you? Really?" You asked rhetorically. Sans winced at the tone of your voice. "If I remember correctly you didn't think it was that big of a deal. You didn't think it was something to worry about. So I didn't bother you." Tears finally broke through your cold mask, and Sans' face softened as he took a step forward.

"I didn't mean it that way-" he tried to say, his words getting caught in his throat. You just looked away, too tired and nearly intoxicated enough to deal with that right now.

"Just leave me alone, please Sans." You whispered, your tears making your voice almost inaudible. He hesitated, conflicted, but didn't leave. You didn't know if you wanted to be annoyed or relieved, so you kept a passive face.

"I've left you alone too long already," he said, almost like he was confessing to some crime. You sat on the bed, trying to avoid the puddle of alcohol-and-pills that was on your carpet. You were going to have to clean that before you went to sleep, you realized with a grimace. "Now I need you to tell me what you need me to do."

"I don't need anything." You denied, but a part of you wanted to scream "yes! I need help! Please don't leave me alone again!" But you kept silent.

"We both know that's a lie, I can see it in your eyes." He missed the opportunity for the pun he always made when trying to cheer you up. He would say something like " _I nose something it up."_ As he handed you a tissue. But not this time. This was a matter of life or death. A matter of your life or death. You sighed and looked at your lap.

"There's no point Sans. I already gave up. There's no way I can get my grades up now. I might as well not try."

"There's always a way Kid. And with my help, we can get you up to a B easy." He smiled at you, the tension in his shoulders melting a little. You weren't so sure.

"There's no way. I've missed too many classes and assignments. My Professors won't care, they just see a zero and not a reason." You felt like crying again. You really messed up this time. You let yourself fall so far there really might not be any way to make your way out again.

"Here, get your computer and let's see if we can't find a way to fix this." Sans suggested. You did what he said and opened up your email, adding your professors one by one in the recipients before starting the message.

* * *

It took you the better part of the evening to compose the email, and by the end you were emotionally drained. In your email, you explained what had happened in the past month, apologizing for letting yourself become such an awful student and informing them you were going to seek help for your suicidal thoughts and self-harm issues. It was Sans' idea to be as professional about it as possible, so you added a part that said something like 'I understand if you are unable to allow me to try and bring my grade up before the end of the semester, but it would make my recovery a lot easier if I had a second chance to right the wrongs against you and myself' or something similar.

The second you send the email, you felt yourself panicking. Thankfully Sans was there for you this time. He was a pro at talking you down from panic attacks at this point. He rubbed your back and led you in your breathing until you were calmed down enough.

Surprisingly, the first response came within twenty minutes. It was from the professors whose test you had failed. She said she couldn't let you retake the tests you had missed for it would be unfair to the other students, but she was willing to give you extra credit papers and homework in order to get your grade up as much as possible. She said she understood how tough it can be to function while plagued with such thoughts, and how she lost a brother to suicide. She said she would look forward to seeing you in class again, and that you should be a little nicer to yourself because you had a bright future ahead of you.

You started crying again. You never expected your professor to be so understanding, let alone be willing to help you bring your grade back up. You still had seven weeks to catch up, and Sans seemed confident that you would make it.

You buried your face in his hoodie and started sobbing, but the whole time you had a smile on your face.

* * *

"Well?" Sans asked, sounding as nervous as you felt. It had been seven weeks exactly since Sans found you. Since then, you had been studying and doing makeup work almost every waking hour of the day. You ended up taking leave from your job in order to finish your work, something the skeleton's were actually happy about. They never liked you working to begin with. They were more than willing to pay for everything, but you were too stubborn to let them do that.

In the seven weeks, you had also gotten help. It started with just talking to Alphys and getting medical attention for your cuts, but it quickly moved to talking to a human doctor. Despite your immediate trepidation, you began taking antidepressants. Sans only convinced you to take them when he agreed to take them too, so you've both been keeping each other on track. So far it seems to be working, but you weren't sure if it was the medication or the support you received from your friends that brought your mood up so much.

Between Sans, Alphys, and Toriel, you managed to bring almost all your grades up. There was one teacher that wasn't too keen on giving you a second chance, but you showed him you were more than capable of passing his class.

Alphys, Undyne, Papyrus and Sans were crowded into the kitchen, waiting for the browser to load. As soon as the page was up, you would see what your final GPA was for the semester. You held your breath as the page loaded. Your eyes instantly honed in on your final grade, and you felt all the air leave your body.

3.2

You managed to bring your GPA up from a 2.1 to a 3.2. It wasn't as good as your 3.7 from the previous semester, but it was so much better than you ever thought you could do.

"You did it!" Undyne screeched as she picked you up and spun you around. You laughed as tears ran down your face. You did it, you really did it.

"I never had a doubt." Sans grinned up at you, and as soon as Undyne put you down you tackled him to the ground.

"Thank you Sans." You laughed and sobbed and cried, but you had never been happier.

"You can do anything you put your mind to," He said, chuckling and hugging you back. "But you have to promise me to never doubt yourself like that again, alright?"

You just nodded, grinning too wide to say anything.

"I think this is cause for celebration!" Papyrus exclaimed. "Let us go out for dinner tonight, human's choice!"

You sniffled and wiped your eyes with your shirt. You realized then more than ever before how much you needed these crazy, over the top, wonderful monsters.

* * *

 **I'll be completely honest. I wasn't going to write anymore for this story. I had the Final Chapter TM written and ready for posting, but then I remembered why I started writing this in the first place. I needed a coping method, and now with my depression hitting me in the ass with a spiked bat, here's a new chapter.**

 **There was going to be all this symbolism of making the 50** **th** **chapter the final one and uploading it on the anniversary of the first chapter, but who cares about sentiment? I sure as hell don't.**

 **I can't guarantee another 50 chapters, but I can tell you to watch out for some depressing shit coming up soon. I'm sorry if that's not what you were hoping for, but I really need something to use as a coping mechanism other than hacking my leg apart -_-"**

 **Until next time.**

 **Starlight**


	51. Plastered Smile - Depression

**Warnings – depression**

* * *

You stared at your ceiling, trying to stop the burning in your eyes. You refused to cry. You refused to you. You refused to-

A single tear worked its way down your cheek, but you refused to make any sound. You couldn't let the others know you were crying. You didn't want to worry them any more than you already have. It's been almost a year since you fell into the Underground, and you couldn't be happier living with your friends. You usually rotated between friends, so they could all spend time with you, but you found yourself staying in Snowdin more often than not. You heard the steps creaking and knew someone was coming upstairs. You quickly wiped your face and took a deep breath just as someone knocked on your door.

"Yo Kid, you ready? Papyrus is back with the stuff." Sans said. You were to make special cookies with the brothers today, and part of you was dreading it. It was so tiring, keeping up a happy persona all the time. You didn't know how much longer you could do it.

But instead of saying anything, you just told him you'd be down in a minutes. You changed into long pants and a tank top so your sleeves wouldn't get in the way of the baking. The skeletons liked to keep the house warm anyway, so you wouldn't freeze as long as they kept the front door closed.

Making your way downstairs, you could smell the oven heating up and felt your plastered on smile turn a little more genuine. Papyrus had laid the ingredients on the table in color order and was trying to get the bowls down without dropping them.

You picked up the recipe and laughed a little at how many steps there were. Of course Papyrus picked the most difficult cookie recipe ever made.

"Are you ready human?" Papyrus asked, turning to look at you as he tilted backwards on the chair he was using to reach the top cabinets. Sans waved his hand and used him magic to steady his brother, who didn't seemed the slightest bit ruffled over the fact he almost just toppled onto the floor painfully. "These cookies will prove our friendship!"

"I'm super stoked Paps." You tried to say with genuine enthusiasm, but it sounded flat to your ears. Thankfully the skeletons didn't seem to think anything was off because they just launched into the recipe.

You found out that Sans had quite the knack for baking, back in the first few weeks of you staying with them. You were ecstatic to see the shorter skeleton be so excited about something. You had been worrying for his mental health, and to see him so lively made your chest warm. You guessed that he used baking as a coping mechanism for whatever he was dealing with.

It was a lot of fun, making the incredibly difficult cookies. For a while, you were actually happy. The first batch was completely wrong. Instead of baking into cookies, the dough just melted into a sheet of rock hard sugar. Thankfully, you had enough to make a second batch – paying even closer attention to the recipe that time – and the dough from the failed batch was tasty on its own. You snacked on the dough as you decorated the other ones that actually came out of the oven looking how they were supposed to.

The whole house smelled like cookies, and you felt the warmth in your chest grow. This was what you had been missing on the surface. This was what you needed.

"You seem sleepy, dear human." Papyrus said from across the table. You looked up and saw he had icing across his forehead. You smiled weakly and laughed once. You hadn't realized you had been staring into space – something you did when pretending to be happy became too tiring for you.

"Yeah, I've been having trouble falling asleep recently. I'll be fine after a good night." You smiled, showing your teeth in an attempt to convince Papyrus you're alright. He hesitated before nodding, almost as if he didn't believe you but he let the topic drop. You sighed as soon as his back as turned his back.

Grabbing a cookie, you make a comment about taking a shower and make your way out of the kitchen. You heard two voices call after you as you went up the stairs. As soon as you were in the bathroom and had the water running, you let the smile drop off your face. Your whole body drained of what little energy it had and you sat on the ground with your back against the tub.

Resting your forehead on your knees, you let the fatigue wash through you as the mirror began to fog up. You thought about the movie night you were supposed to go to tomorrow and felt your chest tighten even more. How were you going to keep up your happy façade for hours?

You sobbed dryly but it didn't stop the tightness in your chest. It was like a weight was crushing your ribs and there was nothing you could do to stop it. You let yourself cry for another ten minutes before shaking your head and getting in the shower to let the hot water melt away your sadness.

* * *

You came home from the Librarby after finishing the Ma-Mi section. You had spent one day a week there for the past few months and read every book in order of author. It was a good way to kill time, and you also learned a lot about the Underground. It was also one of the only times you were able to drop your smile for a few hours without anyone bothering you.

You usually spent the whole day there, but after four hours or so you started getting a painful headache and decided to call it a day several hours early.

You pulled out your keys and went to unlock the front door but realized it was already unlocked, something that never happened. Papyrus never left the door unlocked unless someone was home. You were suddenly on edge, listening for any unfamiliar sounds.

Creeping into the living room, you strained your ears but didn't hear anything out of place. There was a ticking of the clock, the faint dripping of the tall sink and the occasional creak of the house battling the perpetual storm outside.

You relaxed as you headed up to your room. You figured even Papyrus forgot things like locking the door sometimes. You were maybe three steps from the top of the staircase when you smelt smoke. Rushing to the top, you followed the smell to the first room in the hall.

You stood in from of Pap's room, confused. Why would smoke be coming from his room? It wasn't a fire smoke, you could tell from the distinct cigarette smell. You were familiar with it seeing how Sans would smoke occasionally, whenever Papyrus wasn't around.

You placed an ear to the door but didn't hear anything from inside the room other than the whirling hum of the computer Papyrus never turned off. Disregarding your instinct to not go into the skeleton's room without knocking, you cracked the door open.

Papyrus was sitting at his desk, the window above it wide open. An icy breeze ran through the room, carrying the thick smoke out of the house. Papyrus himself was wearing an oversized sweatshirt and baggy pants, the opposite of anything you had seen him in. You didn't even know he owned that kind of clothing.

He must have heard the door open, because he took a long drag before putting the cigarette in the ash tray and twisting his chair around to face you. It was shocking, not seeing the usually bright smile on his face. In its place was one of the most tired half-grins you had ever seen, and you had spent a lot of time with Sans.

"You are back early." He said, and you could see him trying to force a brighter smile for you. You felt your face drop as your realized what he was doing. It was almost like he looked more comfortable sitting alone in his room wearing clothes you thought until a minute ago that he would never be caught in. He was doing the same thing you were.

"How long?" You asked, ignoring his statement. You felt the weight in your chest turn your stomach inside out as he picked the cigarette back up and took a long drag, blowing the smoke out the window. Papyrus looked at you, and you could almost see bruises under his eye sockets. How did you not realize this sooner?

"I cannot remember anymore. It has been a long, long time," Papyrus snuffed the cigarette out on the palm of his hand. You flinched, but the small burn didn't seem to affect the skeleton at all. "I believe it started when Sans worked in the Labs with Alphys and… I cannot seem to remember who the third person was. Anyway, I would be left home for days on end, and when Sans came home he was always severely depressed. It was horrific, seeing his HP drop lower and lower and lower until one evening it was a below one. If he so much as stubbed his toe he would have died. I realized early on that if I acted happy and innocent, Sans would not be so upset when he came home. I realized that I had the power to keep my brother alive, and I am certain without me he would have dusted himself long ago."

"Does Sans know?" You asked, your body feeling numb at his story.

"He does not have a clue. I tried showing him my real personality and he was so afraid he had a panic attack. He thought he had failed me, and that was why I was acting that way. After that I doubled my efforts to keep him happy."

"You have to let him know eventually," You said carefully. "You're both adults now, and he's been doing really good with his depression." Papyrus gave a sharp laugh and stretched, his spine snapping and cracking into place.

"If I told him now, he would be destroyed. His beloved brother has been lying to him for most of his life? He would hate me," Papyrus scowled, and the expression looked so out of place on his face you questioned for a moment if you were just imagining it. "Besides, I am so used to it at this point I doubt I would be able to drop this mask. The only time I am able to be myself is when I am alone like this. Otherwise I feel like I am lying."

"I understand." You all but whispered, not sure how to comfort the skeleton. You never thought you would be in the position to be comforting him – he was always the one comforting you when you were upset. He gave you a long look before glancing away. He stared at the sleeping screen of his computer.

"I know you do, and it is something that has been bothering me quite a bit recently." Even though he wasn't looking at you, it felt as though he was staring into your soul. Part of you wanted to deny it, but a stronger part of you knew he already knew. Denying it wouldn't help you at all. You signed and shuffled in place.

"I don't know when it started." You said, looking at your feet. Papyrus stood and placed a gently hand on your arm. He brought you over to his bed and sat you down before crouching in front of you. You looked at him and realized how close you were to tears when his comforting face was blurry and out of focus.

"It is going to be okay dear one. Tell Papyrus what is bothering you so much." His voice was warm and smooth, almost like Sans'. You never realized how similar they sounded because he always put on the exuberant near-screech. You could really tell they were brothers just by their voices. You sniffled and blinked until your vision was clear.

"I was always depressed, at least for the past couple of years. That's the reason I'm down here. It got better when I met everyone, but recently I've been getting bad again but I don't know why. I figured no one would want to deal with me being all depressed and mopey so I tried to pretend everything was fine so no one would worry."

"We have all noticed Human, despite your best efforts." Papyrus said, almost scathingly. If he had eyebrows, you could see one of them raised.

"Wait-" You felt your stomach drop to the floor. They knew? But you had tried so hard to hide it.

"Why do you think you need to hide your depression? Do you not trust your friends?"

"Of course I do!" You exclaimed, feeling hurt that Papyrus would even suggest that. "I just…"

"You just…?" Papyrus goaded you on.

"I just don't know how the others will react." You finished lamely. Papyrus just nodded before standing and moving to sit next to you. He wrapped one long arm around your shoulders and pulled you in so your head was resting on his chest.

"You do not have to worry about how we will react. We will love and care for you no matter what." He said, his strangely honey-like voice extremely comforting.

"What about you?" You asked, the smell of smoke mixed with the smell of Papyrus confused you but oddly made you feel at home. "We all care about you too, and you've been struggling for so long and you shouldn't have to pretend either." You started tearing up.

"Nyeh heh heh… I guess you are right. I know how difficult it is going to be, to stop pretending. Maybe it is the right time for myself to stop pretending as well. Though I do not know how Sans will react…"

"Hey, we have each other right? We don't have to do this alone." You took his hand and gave it a gently squeeze. It was odd feeling the bones of his hand without is gloves. His fingers were longer and more slender than Sans' but had the same smoothness to it.

"You are correct," He smiled at you, and you could finally see the old Papyrus you were so used to. "We do have each other."

Just then, a door closed downstairs. You looked at each other, contemplating not going down at all, but Papyrus stood and offered you his hand. You took it with a smile and stood, heading to the door first. You hesitated when you realized Papyrus wasn't following you.

"Aren't you coming?" You asked as he made his way back to the desk. He waved a hand and reached for a new cigarette.

"You go on ahead. I need a few moments to gather my thoughts. You have to remember that I have not broken this façade in almost a decade." He said, turning towards the open window and lit the cigarette with a powder blue lighter. You nodded and went down to the kitchen, where Sans was reheating some leftovers.

You felt your chest tightening with every step, but Papyrus' promise to work with you kept you determined enough to keep walking. Sans was just removing his plate from the microwave when you got his attention.

"Hey Sans?" You said timidly. "There's something I need to tell you."

"There's something we both need to tell you." Papyrus said behind you. You jumped at his voice and glanced back at him. He hadn't changed from his hoodie and sweatpants, but the most upsetting thing was the fear clearly written on his face.

"Everything okay bro?" Sans asked, his tone colored with apprehension.

"Actually, no… everything is not okay. But that is what I wish to talk to you about," He took a shaking breath and stepped fully into the kitchen. "It started a few years ago…"

* * *

 **So this was just going to be a normal Sans comfort thing, but I realized if any character would be hiding their sadness it would be the Great Papyrus. I wanted to get this up before Halloween because tomorrow I'm going to be ten kinds of frantic getting everything together before the sun sets and the trick-or-treaters come out.**

 **Thank you everyone for being so supportive! I never thought in a million years that everyone would be so ecstatic for a new chapter. I hope to be able to keep writing chapters that you guys deserve, so please be patient!**

 **Until next time~**

 **Starlight**


	52. Other SIde of the Mirror - Depression

**Warnings- depression**

* * *

 ****"It started a few years ago…" Papyrus started weakly. Sans stared at his brother with shock and a small bit of horror. He had never seen his brother in clothing like that, let alone smelling of cigarette smoke. He thought back… he had seen his brother like this. Once. A long time ago.

"Wait, Paps what's going on?" Sans' voice was shaky despite him desperately trying to hold on to the grin on his face. Papyrus stopped mid-sentence to look at his brother with an expression the shorter had never seen on his brother's face before.

Guilt.

"I have a confession," Papyrus said. Sans wasn't sure how to feel. His brother – ever happy Papyrus – sounded like he did. And that thought made his soul ache. "I have not been entirely honest with you these past few years. The Human and I have come to a sort of agreement. We will work together to stop… to stop pretending that everything is alright."

"I don't get it…" Sans said, staring over Papyrus shoulder. "Is everything not alright?"

"It is becoming alright now, but in the past it was not. You were always working and coming home with less and less HP… I got worried Brother. I had to do something to help you. I found that acting happy and innocent put your mind at ease and helped you recover a little of your Hope. I apologize for keeping this from you for so long." Papyrus finished lamely, rubbing his arm. You could see the conflict raging in Sans' eyes but the shorter skeleton didn't say anything.

He abruptly turned and walked out of the house, leaving his food on the table. He didn't slam the door, which gave you hope that he wasn't mad, but the distraught look on Papyrus' face was enough to make you tear up again.

"I don't think he's mad at you," You said, rubbing his spine in hopes to calm him down. Despite not having lungs, Papyrus' breathing was picking up until he was almost hyperventilating. You knew what was happening. You guided your friend to the couch and had him sit, whispering things like _'you have to breathe'_ and _'it's going to be okay'_ and _'Sans loves you.'_ Over and over until his panic attack subsided. When he finally calmed down, there were streaks of tinted tears running down his face, staining his sweatshirt.

You continued to hold him and whisper reassurances as he drifted off to sleep, all the while wondering how Sans was taking the news.

* * *

Sans was not taking the news well.

He went straight to Grillby's, the snow not bothering him. He practically kicked the door open and made a beeline to the bar. Grillby was standing there, watching the skeleton shake as he sat on the stool. Sans rubbed his hand over his face and gave a shuddering sigh.

"Grillbz, am I a bad brother?" Sans asked, his grin wavering painfully.

"What brought this up?" the fire monster asked, his flames dancing with concern. Sans had always stressed about being the best caregiving and brother possible. He did everything – even subject himself to awful experiments – to get the money and the support needed to give Papyrus a good life. The fact that he was questioning it all scared Grillby.

"Apparently Paps has only been pretending to be happy for years," he slumped in his seat pitifully. "All these years I thought he was okay, but I was so blinded that I never noticed he was just faking it. What kind of brother am I? How many times have I left him alone when he needed me? He was _smoking_ Grillby. He always yells at me for doing it but he's been doing if for who knows how long!" He slammed his hands down on the bar in frustration. A tear worked its way from his eye.

"You aren't a bad brother Sans," Grillby said, trying to comfort his friend. "You did everything you could for him. You fought through depression and whatever horrible things they did at that lab to give him anything he could ever want."

"He was so young… he saw how low my HP was dropping and thought he needed to be the one to keep it from getting any lower. He started pretending as a kid for my sake and never stopped. Do I even know my brother? It's obvious the happy Paps I've raised isn't the real Papyrus. Is my own brother a stranger?"

"I can't answer that you for, but you can find the answer yourself. You can't run away from this. Imagine how Papyrus must have felt when you ran out – because I know you well enough to know that's exactly what you did. You bolted out the door because you didn't know what to do." Grillby didn't mean to sound so forceful, but he knew how much Papyrus meant to Sans, and he would bet his whole business on the fact that they could easily make up if only they actually talked to each other like grown monsters instead of running away from their problems and pretending everything was alright.

"I messed up, didn't I?" Sans sniffed, eyes downcast. Grillby didn't say anything. He just crackled and went back to wiping down the mess a previous customer left on the bar. Sans let out a stressed groaned and shook his head like a dog to clear his thoughts.

He jumped off the stool and thanked Grillby, who waved as the skeleton sprinted out of the building. Grillby watched him go with a faint smile on his fiery face. He had known Sans for what felt like lifetimes, and the amusing part was he never changed. Sans was always Sans, no matter the situation. Grillby went back to cleaning, not too worried about the skeleton anymore.

* * *

You were just starting to doze off yourself when the front door slammed open. You jumped, but the skeleton resting on your lap flew into the air and landed with a painful sounding thump on the floor. Before Papyrus could process what just happened, Sans tackled him.

"I'm so sorry Paps. I never should have left you alone when you were a kid and I never should have let you think you needed to take care of me and I never should have run out cuz you needed me and I never should have been such a shitty brother I'm so sorry Papyrus this is all my fault." He babbled into his brother's shoulder. Papyrus just sat there, shock written on his face.

"B-brother, it is fine. There is no need to cry," He tried to pull Sans away to look at his face, but the older just buried it back into the crook of the younger's neck. Sans kept babbling, but you couldn't make out what he was saying. "You went to Grillby's." Papyrus noted. That got Sans to lift his head.

"I didn't know where else to go… I shouldn've run out like that… I'm so sorry." His voice was cracking with the guilt and regret he must have been feeling, but Papyrus just hugged him until his hiccupping slowed to even breaths.

"I am sorry Brother. I should not have dumped all of that on you at once." Papyrus said, sounding far older than he actually was. Sans moved off of Pap's lap and rested his back against the couch, drawing his knees up to his chest.

"You should have told me years ago. I could have helped you. I would have done anything…"

"I know, and that is one reason why I started doing this in the first place. I knew you were doing everything for me, and it was killing you. I knew if I made you think I was happy and content that you would not worry as much." Papyrus wouldn't look at Sans. Sans wouldn't look at Papyrus. You were watching them both from the kitchen, wondering if you should intervene or just boil some water for tea for after their talk.

"Oh Paps… I never should have let you think that." Sans sounded so broken.

"It is fine Sans," Papyrus never used his brother's name unless it was serious. "I do not regret the years I spent helping you."

"It's not fine," Sans snapped, but he instantly apologized and shrunk away. "I mean, no Papyrus It's not alright. You never should have been put in that situation."

"Well there's nothing we can do about it now." Papyrus leaned his head back, glancing over at his brother out of the corner of his eye.

"Yeah… it's too late." Sans rested his forehead on his knees in a defeated manner.

"But it is not too late to fix things now." Papyrus was staring at the ceiling, but there was a faint smile on his face. Sans lifted his head and looked at his brother with a mix of shock and hope.

"You think so?" He laughed without any humor. Papyrus gave a similar chuckle and sat up.

"I do think so. We can start with being more honest with each other."

"Yeah, I think I can handle that." Sans smiled, and Papyrus smiled back – a smile with genuine happiness for once in who knows how long.

You watched on, tearing up. You knew it was good for the brothers to get all this out of their systems. You watched them embrace and cry into each other's shoulders with a smile so wide it almost hurt.

This is what everyone needed.

* * *

 **So this is a first. A continuation of one chapter into another? Blasphemous!**

 **I have a ton of school work to get to, so I don't know when I can start the next chapter but I'm glad to be back in the game!**

 **Until next time~**

 **Starlight**


	53. Sticks and Stones - Verbal Abuse

**Warnings – verbal abuse, self-harm, eating disorders, suicide  
**

* * *

"Another one?" Your mom asked scathingly from the sink. You were at the fridge, cutting yourself a second small slice of the pie left over from dinner. It wasn't a big piece, it was just enough to satisfy your sweet tooth. She stared you down as you put the small piece on a plate and brought it up to your room.

You suddenly weren't hungry, but you knew you'd be scolded if you wasted the pie after cutting it and taking it to your room. With a churning in your stomach, you ate the piece of pie. It ended up being only five bites big, but it still made you sick. You pushed the plate aside, making a mental note to take it back down and clean it. Your mom would be very upset if you left the plate in your room, like the lazy slob you are.

Suddenly, there was a rap at your window. You go over to look, confused about what could have knocked on your second story window, and saw a familiar skeleton standing on the grass. You knew if your parents saw him they would be mad, so you grabbed a jacket and rushed down the stairs as quietly as possible. Slipping on your shoes, you made it to the front yard without your parents noticing and pulled Sans into the shadows.

"What are you doing here?" You whispered, eyes darting around frantically. Sans' smile tightened painfully.

"We were supposed to go to that party, remember?" He asked, sounding hurt. You stared at him blankly for a moment before remembering that you did in fact promise to go to a party with him weeks ago. You but back a curse and glanced around again.

"I can't go anymore. My parents wouldn't want me to go out this late." You said, quietly and rushed.

"Who cares what your parents think? You're old enough to make your own decisions." Sans chuckled, but it didn't sound quite right. You shuffled around, not sure how to break it to your friend that your parent's weren't fond of the fact that you were friends with the monsters. In fact, they're very against it. Your parents are part of the population that believes monsters are sub class and that they should be chased back into the Underground. They didn't ask questions when you came home after weeks of being gone, but they always changed the subject whenever you so much as mentioned your adventures.

"Seriously Sans…" You start to move away when you hear the front door open. Your heart dropped to your feet and Sans must have seen the change on your face because he stepped in front of you as if to protect you from something.

"What are you doing out here- is that a _monster_?" Your mother screeched from the front porch. You felt the blood drain from your face as you spun towards her, excuses stuttering from your shaking mouth like a swarm of dying bees.

"It's n-n-not what it l-l-l-looks like!" You stuttered. She marched across the yard and grabbed your wrist painfully, making a point to avoid touching Sans at all. She yanked you towards the house, all the while screaming over her shoulder.

"You stay away from my child. She may be pathetic and worthless, but I'm not going to let monster scum like you corrupt her anymore." She slammed the door behind her, shutting Sans out. His horrified expression would be burned on your eyelids for weeks.

"Mom stop!" You tried to pull your arm free but your mother's grip was like a bear trap. She pulled you into the living room and practically threw you onto the couch.

"What's the matter with you? Are you really that stupid? You purposely went against our rules about no monsters. Not only did you go against it, you thought you were being sly by doing it right under my nose. I should have known I could never trust you to do anything right. You're going to be grounded for so long you're going to forget what the sun looks like."

"Wouldn't be the first time I forgot what the sun looked like." You said. Your blood was boiling – not because of how she's treating you, but because of how she treated Sans. Her face turned three shades of cherry red, and you could see a vein starting to pop out on her forehead.

"You pathetic excuse for a child, how dare you talk back to me! I brought you into this world. I feed you and clothe you and this is how you repay me? You're so ungrateful… I wish I never had a daughter. You've done nothing but make your father and myself miserable with your stupidity and your selflishness," She was spitting in your face, but you were numb to her words. You had heard them all before, but never with this much venom behind it. "Just wait until your father gets home. You're lucky we don't believe in corporal punishment. Go to your room, and I swear if I find you tried to leave, I'll make life even worse."

You stood silently and walked to your room, locking the door behind you. You knew as soon as your dad got home you'd get in even more trouble. You sat on your bed and sobbed, trying to remember where everything went wrong.

 _You had failed a test. Well, you didn't really fail, but to your parent's anything under an 80 is failing. You got a 78. They had screamed at you for hours, picking out all of your flaws and yelling more when you started crying. They moved from insulting your intelligence to insulting your appearance, and your sobbing increased._

 _"You don't have brains at all it seems," Your father sneered. That's the only way he ever looks at you anymore. You remember when you were younger and he seemed to love you, but those times were over. "You don't even have the face to make a career. You have nothing that can get you anywhere. With a waist line like that you're going to be a parasite on us for the rest of your life."_

 _You felt like throwing up. You had been starving yourself for weeks, trying to get them to stop picking at how much weight you had gained. When your mom found out what you were doing, all the said was 'at least do it right'._

 _You ran away in the middle of their rant, ignoring the screams after you. You ran to your room, slamming the door and locking it behind you. You reached for your blade and sliced at your arm, your parent's words making your soul bleed just as much as the knife was making your skin drip. You sobbed until the blood was drying before making your final decision._

 _They were right. They really would be better off without you. You were a burden on them. Their lives would have been better if you had never been born._

 _Not bothering to bandage your cuts, you opened your window and hopped onto the overhead of the front porch. You used to come and sit on the overhead to stare at the stars and dream of a life far away from your parents._

 _You dropped from the overhead with barely a thump and took off running. You weren't running very fast because of how light headed you were, but in the dark your parents had no idea you had fled in the first place_

 _You ran to the one place you knew better than even your own house. Mt. Ebott was barely a mile from your town, the looming mountain keeping the snow thick in the winter and the sun off the buildings in the summer. You loved the mountain because everyone thought it was cursed, therefore no one bothered you there._

 _It wasn't easy, getting to your perch. The darkness mixed with the blood loss made it hard to even put one foot in front of the other, let alone run without falling. By the time you finally made it, the sky was dark as the bottom of the hole before you, but the stars shone so brilliantly it made you tear up a little. You let out a final scream, trying to get your frustrations out before throwing yourself into the blackness that had been a comfort to you for so long._

 _You didn't expect to open your eyes to a field of yellow flowers._

You sat on your bed, shaking uncontrollably. You didn't hear anyone enter your room until a shadow crossed over you. Sans was standing in the middle of your room. He has his hands shoved into his pockets and his face was shadowed enough so that you couldn't see his expression.

"Come on kid. Let's get you out of here. There's a party we need to get to, and there's something I want to talk to you about." He held his hand out, but you hesitated. He put his hand a little closer to you, prompting you to take it.

You weigh your options. On one hand, if you stay in your room and don't run, your punishment wouldn't be nearly as bad as it will if you run. On the other hand, you could run and never look back. Maybe you could live with Toriel or Sans…

With a grim expression, you took his hand and in a flash you were somewhere else. You knew your parents wouldn't bother checking on you for at least another two hours, so you safe for now. Sans brought you up to his room, the new house surprisingly clean compared to the house they lived in back in Snowdin. His room was almost the same though, with the clothes on the ground and the messy bed. But it was so Sans that anything else wouldn't feel right.

"Alright, so we made the first step here, but we need to do a little more chatting." Sans said, rummaging through his closet, which had a suspicious amount of blankets and boxes shoved in the bottom.

"What kind of chatting?" You asked, suddenly afraid of what he was going to ask. He pulled out something and handed it to you. Unfolding it, you saw it was an oversized sweater. It was a female's sweater, but it was one you recognized of Sans' own collection. None of the monsters cared for gender clothing, and that got Sans a few more odd stares when you would go out in public.

"How 'bout we start with… are your parents the ones who've been keeping you away from us?" He asked, turning his back so you could change your shirt.

"Yeah… they hate monsters. As soon as I told them where I had been, they refused to talk about it ever again. They scream at me if I so much as try to mention the M word while they're around." You sighed sadly as you pulled the sweater sleeves over your palms.

"Sounds like they aren't very nice people." He said, something hiding under the surface of his seemingly innocent words. He turned to face you again, his expression unreadable.

"They're my parents." Was all you said.

"Just because they're your parents doesn't mean you have to love and respect them. Even parents have to earn that. If they're awful and abusive they don't deserve your love." Sans took your clothes and put them in his hamper – such a natural action that it didn't seem weird at all.

"Why are you doing this?" You asked, sniffling a little. You never expected him to care so much. Sure, when you were in the Underground he was like your guardian angel, your best friend and confidant. At one point you were sure you loved him, but after breaking the barrier you left them behind like the awful person you were. You left them behind like trash.

"Because I care about you kiddo. When you started blocking us out, I knew something was wrong. Back home you were all secretive and stuff. It took a while for you to open up to me, and it was honestly such an honor. I've missed ya kid." He said with such a soft voice. You felt a stab in your chest and started crying. Neither of you caught his slip of calling the Underground 'home'.

"I'm s-so sorry… I'm such an awful person. I threw you guys away like garbage and tried to forget about you like you've never done anything but you've done so much for me." Your 'me' sounded more like a 'me-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e' because of your crying, but you were sobbing too hard to make your words audible.

"You didn't throw us away. We've always been here for you. It's not your fault that you had to keep some space. I know you kid. You could never hurt someone and not feel guilty about it. You could swat a bug and feel bad that you hurt it. You're a hero, remember that."

"N-no I'm a failure… Mom was right. I can never do anything right. I'm a disgrace." You kept crying, the pressure on your chest lightening a little as your sadness left you.

"Your mom is full of crap," Sans said bluntly. You looked up, shocked at his tone of voice. His face was blank of any emotion, as were his eyes – the sockets pitch black. "Your parents are full of such fuckin bullshit. Everything they've told you? Forget it right now. Only listen to what I tell you. Me and the others are the only ones telling the truth. You're important to us. You're a hero. You're amazing and wonderful. You're funny and sweet. None of that garbage shit is true. You're you kid, that that's pretty fuckin' amazing."

"S-sans…" You sniffled, speechless. You threw your arms around his shoulders, almost knocking him to the ground. His familiar smell filled your nose and relaxed you almost instantly. His arms came up and wrapped around you, the familiar touch letting you melt into it. You missed this. Sans had been your support in the Underground. Sans was the one who convinced you to want to survive. Sans was the one to make you laugh when you felt like crying was the only thing you knew how to do. You missed him so much, and you never realized it until that moment.

He let you cry into his jacket, humming and rubbing your back softly. Every time you thought you were about to calm down, another wave of sobs hit you like a truck of bricks. Sans never once yelled at you for being weak. He never once tried to shame you for showing your emotions, which only caused you to cry harder.

After what felt like decades, you finally calmed down. You hiccupped and sniffled sadly as Sans sat you on the bed. He popped away for a moment before coming back with some tissues and a water bottle. The water was room temperature and the box of tissues was almost empty, and you realized these were from the last time you went to him crying, back before you broke the barrier. You recognized the label on the bottle as the Underground brand.

"You zapped all the way back to Snowdin for these?" You smiled, your nose stuffed so much your words came out warped. Sans gave you a lopsided smile and sat on the bed next to you.

"Nah, I made sure to bring them up with me just in case you needed them." He said, his grin never changing. You felt yourself tearing up again, but a playfully stern look from the skeleton made you smile and blow your nose loudly.

"Thanks Sans." Your voice was weak from your emotional downpour, but it was a good kind of sore, like when your muscles hurt after a strenuous workout.

"Hey, come on," Sans stood and helped you up. He was strong enough to cause you to jump a little as he pulled you up. "We have a party to go to, and there some free booze calling our names." The look on his face was so mischievous you couldn't help but return the same look. The partners in crime were back together.

Sans quickly changed his jacket and wrapped a boney hand around your waist, pulling you close to him. He placed a quick peck on your cheek – something he used to do all the time to cheer you up. You let yourself relax as he teleported you to the party, the weight in your chest lightening almost completely.

* * *

"Yeah, about that…" Sans was on the phone when you woke up. The party had been so much fun – the most fun you had in months. You had passed out around five in the morning, the mix of alcohol and exhaustion causing you to crash and sleep dreamlessly. You woke up to the sound of his voice and opened your eyes to the early afternoon light blinding you. "You're not getting her back. Ever. If you try to talk to her again, you'll have to answer to me. If you try to hurt her again, you'll have to answer to me. If you try anything… well, you know what'll happen. Don't make me repeat myself again." He snapped the phone shut, sighing and running a hand over his skull.

"Sans?" You said, your eyes just starting to adjust to the light. He spun around and tried to give you a nonchalant smile, but you could see the tenseness around the edges.

"Morning kid," He said with a chuckle. "Or rather, afternoon. You up for some lunch? I'm pretty sure Undyne left some chicken in the fridge, and no one is awake yet so anything left downstairs is free game."

"Were you talking to my parents?" You asked, standing and trying to adjust your clothes. They had gotten incredibly rumpled throughout the night. His grin turned instantly guilty. Sans could never lie to you.

"Yeah… they called your cell and I took the number. I wasn't able to protect you before… but I'll never let you be vulnerable like that again." He fisted his hands at his sides as if he was trying to keep himself from punching a wall, and you couldn't help the smile spreading across your face.

"Thanks Sans. You're my hero." You walked over to him and hugged him. When you pulled back, he had a faint blush on his cheeks.

"I ain't a hero kid…" he rubbed the back of his head and chuckled. "I'm just Sans."

"Well Just Sans, let's go get food."

* * *

 **Yay an update! I've been feeling like Atlas with my school work, but I have a lull in work so I managed to finish this.**

 **I wanted to write something about the elections, but the tensions are still so high I don't want to risk anything. To anyone who is scared, afraid for their lives, uncertain about the future, just remember that you're not alone. For those of you who are thinking of killing themselves because of the fear, or for whatever reason you have, live out of spite. Live for the sole reason of being bitter towards the white house.**

 **Stay safe everyone. I know these are scary times, but we have to stick together and stay safe.**

 **Until next time!**

 **Starlight**


	54. Isolated - Bullying

**Warnings – bullying, verbal and emotional attacks**

* * *

You froze, your lunch held tightly in your hands. Your friends were looking at you with the same eyes you've seen them give others. Their judgmental stares and cat like grins caused your blood to run cold. You managed to make your feet take one step after another until you were at the usual table, standing by your usual seat. There was a bag where you usually sat, but the girl directly to your right slowly moved it.

"Wow, nice haircut." One girl said with a snakeish blink. Your hand instantly went to your hair, which you had trimmed yourself the night before. Your bangs had grown out, so you trimmed them enough to reach the tops of your eyes.

"T-thanks…" You said, sitting and picking up the plastic meal the school provided for you. Taking a bite, you focused on the usual non-taste.

"Did you do it yourself?" She asked, her sickly sweet tone the same as when she talked to those she hated. You had always listened to that voice when it was directed to someone else, and you knew what it mean.

"Um, yeah. Sans was busy and-"

"Oh you mean your monster pet?" She asked, her grin growing wider. You froze again, the fork halfway to your mouth. You felt your heart skip a beat in shock at the bluntness of her words. It took a lot of strength to gently place the fork back down and look her in the eye.

"He's my friend, not my pet. Monsters are people too." You had found your voice while on your adventure. You had fallen over the summer, so coming back to school you had a lot more confidence – and your friends didn't like that.

"Oh sure… I'm sure he's just a 'friend'." She did the finger quotes, and your face flushed.

"Get your mind out of the gutter," You practically growled. "Sans is my best friend. There's nothing more between us."

"You sure?" She asked, deceptively innocent. "Cuz… I saw you at the mall the other day and it seemed like you were _much_ closer than that." There was a fire burning in her eyes and you wanted to shrink away from her gaze.

That past weekend you and Sans had gone to the mall as a friend date, to catch up since your school and his work had kept you busy. When you met up, it was like you had never been apart – bumping into each other, making jokes. At one point he scooped you up and carried you across the food court because you had been pretending to be too weak to walk.

"I'm sure." You snapped, trying to put as much force behind it as you could, but the look on her face told you she thought of you as a child acting out against an adult. You weren't going to take this from her. Picking up your tray and bag, you walked away. You threw your barely touched lunch out and left the cafeteria, your phone already in your hand.

' _Sans it's happening again."_

* * *

"Where is your group?" Your teacher asked. Usually you and your friends were a group in class, but they had decided to form a new group with one of the sporty boys who sat in the back on his phone. You looked up at your teacher, trying to keep a straight face.

"I guess they're working with someone else today." You said, your voice almost hollow. Your teacher glanced at your 'friends' with a slight frown but didn't say anything. She just nodded and went back to patrolling the classroom.

With a sigh, you went back to your packet, slowly feeling yourself drown under the sheer amount of work you had to do all by yourself. The sounds of the other groups talking ground against your head, causing your headache to worsen. Eventually you packed up your back and asked to go to the nurse. Your teacher took pity on you and wrote you a pass.

The nurse was reluctant to give you painkillers, but she was always reluctant to give out painkillers to students in general. You downed them easily and went to lay down, waiting for them to kick in and stop the pounding behind your eyes.

What seemed like two minutes later, the nurse called your name. You blearily opened your eyes and realized you had slept through the last two periods of the day. You gathered your things and thanked the nurse before walking out to the parking lot and heading towards your car. All drowsiness disappeared as soon as you approached your car.

Someone had keyed the side of it, carving slurs and curses into the already beat up paint. You tried choking back tears, but as you traced the words with a shaking finger, you couldn't keep the burning in your eyes from overflowing. You threw your phone in the back and sat in the driver's seat, sobbing and trying to put the key in the ignition but your hands were shaking too badly for you to get it in.

A knock came from your window, causing you to jump. Hastily wiping your face, you rolled down the window and saw your friends, all forcing their smiles from their faces. The main girl, the one from lunch, was obviously not trying as hard as the rest of them. Her own key was dangling from a perfectly manicures finger, and you could see flecks of familiar paint stuck to it.

"It's a shame what happened to your car!" She explained, faking a shocked expression. You didn't bother trying to respond. You knew if you opened your mouth, either Blooky or Undyne would come out, and you knew either reaction would make everything worse.

"Maybe you could get your sugar monster to buy you a new car," She continued, a bright smile showing off her perfectly straight teeth. "The big goat like one? I'm sure he's plenty rich."

"Asgore is not my 'sugar monster'," You ground out, your knuckles whitening against the steering wheel. "He and Toriel are trying to work out their relationship. Besides, he's not into humans like that, even humans as monstrous as you."

"Ex-CUSE ME?" She screeched, her face contorting into something more monstrous than anything you saw Underground. With a tight smile you jammed the key in the ignition and peeled away, forcing the girls to jump out of the way to avoid being run over.

"S-sans please pick up." You whimpered as your phone rang. He hadn't responded to anything you sent him so far, and you were in desperate need of your best friend. Just as it was about to go to voice mail, you heard a hurried greeting. You tried to say something, but all that came out was a sob. You heard him curse and hang up, and a second later he was sitting in your car next to you.

The first time he had done it, you almost swerved off the road into oncoming traffic. Now you barely batted an eye at the sudden appearance of the skeleton. You even asked once how he always knew when you were driving and when you were in your room and such, and he responded with a sheepish grin that he teleported directly to wherever your soul was.

"What's wrong?" He asked right off the bat. You kept your eyes trained on the road, your knuckles white as snow against the steering wheel. You took the turn towards your house and gathered your thoughts.

"My friends decided to turn against me." You said, your voice surprisingly calm. The shaking in your hands had stopped a little, but the ache in your chest was almost suffocating.

"Those bitches?" He asked, scowling and watching you from the corner of his eye. "Aren't they always picking on people?"

"Yeah, but it was never me." You sighed. You knew they weren't good people, but they were your only human friends. They were mean, and rude and drove one girl to drop out of school two years ago.

"Maybe this is a good thing. Gives you an out from some awful people." He leaned back and rested his heels on the dashboard.

"Maybe…" You repeated, less convinced. He turned his head towards you and frowned.

"Look, you can't let them get to you. You're an amazing person. You single handedly saved all of monster kind. You went out of your way to make sure we all got our happy ending. A couple of mean humans are nothing compared to you."

"Thanks Sans. I've missed you." You said, your chest a little lighter. You saw him wince a little and sigh.

"I've missed you too kid. I wish I could get more time off but this job is what gets me out of bed most days. Papyrus offered to pay for the bills and stuff, but he doesn't realize just how expensive it is to live on the surface. He's paying for food and junk, but he doesn't realize we have to pay for lighting and water and heat…. Being an adult is hard." He chuckled deeply, and you laughed along with him. Sans' laugh was one of the only things that could make you smile, no matter how bad of a day you were having.

"What am I going to do? I can't go back to sitting alone every day," Your eyes started stinging again. You always got teary when you thought back to how alone you used to be in school. "I can't be all alone anymore…"

You let the tears silently stream down your face as you pulled into your driveway. Putting the car into park, you wiped your face as the pain in your chest grew.

"You're never alone," Sans said, is hand running through your hair in a calming manner. "You have all of us, no matter what time of day."

"It's just so hard…" You cried, turning and burying your face in his shoulder. The car seats dug into your side, but you just let yourself cry.

"I know Kiddo, but you're never alone." He rubbed your back until you calmed down.

"Thanks Sans," You sniffled smiling and sitting up. You grabbed your bag and turned to him. "Wanna come in for some coffee?"

"I think I can spend some more time with my best friend." He grinned and opened the car door.

* * *

"Oh sorry, looks like the seat is taken." The girl grinned. You had automatically gone to your usual seat, only to find it filled with all of their bags. You tried to keep the emotions off your face, but something must have shown through because her grin grew.

You had been avoiding them for days, bringing your own lunch and eating in the library. Today, however, you slept in and didn't have the time to make anything. They had been doing little things the past few days that have made you want to scream, but you resisted.

They took your paper and hid it when the teacher told you to pass the assignment down the line. They tried to slip marijuana into your purse, but thankfully you found it and flushed it before anyone found out. The worst thing they did, in your opinion, was spread a rumor that you were having 'relations' with the various monsters you spent your time with.

You turned on your heel without saying anything and sat at a table across the cafeteria, the one no one sat at because it was too close to the trashcans.

* * *

You were sitting in class, silently working on a lab by yourself. Your teacher tried asking if you'd want to work with another group, but you didn't want those girls – you decided to stop calling them your friends – to feel the satisfaction of you giving up. Just as you were about to set up the lab, the teacher got a call. She asked if you could take your bag and go down to the counselor. You felt your insides tighten up as you heard snickering behind you.

The walk to the counselor's office was the longest walk you've ever had to make. You knocked and he instantly opened the door. He asked you to sit with a serious expression and you knew this was no routine class planning meeting.

"I've heard some pretty serious things going around the halls," He said, leaning forward in his chair and resting his elbows on his knees. You felt all the blood leave your face as you stared at your hands. Taking a deep breath, you thought about what to say.

"Which one are you talking about?" You asked, trying to sound as mature and collected as possible. "I know there have been a few going around."

"I have to ask you, and I need you to answer me honestly. Are you having relations with monsters?" He asked. His eyebrows furrowed in concentration. You sat back, and despite knowing it was coming you felt your stomach drop to your toes.

"I swear I've never done anything with them, not like that. They're my friends, and that's all they are to me." You told him. You made a point to make eye contact, so he knew you weren't lying. You conveniently left out the date with Papyrus and the flirting with Toriel.

"Do you know what may have started these rumors?" He asked after jotting something down on a notebook. You hesitated, not sure if you were willing to sell those girls out despite everything they've done to you. He heard your hesitation and looked up at you. He gave you a warm smile to convince you to speak up. You said the names of the girls without looking at him.

"They were my friends. When we came back from summer break they didn't like how confident I had become and turned against me. They've been isolating me in class, making excuses to not work with me in class and so I can't sit with them. A few days ago they keyed my car and wrote slurs. They've been trying to get me in trouble and to fail my classes. They made up this awful rumor because nothing they've been doing can get to me and they knew my friends were the only thing that would rile me up and I don't know what I did to deserve this." You broke into tears. He handed you a box of tissues, but didn't say anything until you calmed down.

"Why haven't you told anyone they were doing this?" He asked. He didn't sound angry or condescending in the slightest, which was surprisingly comforting to you.

"I didn't know if you'd believe me…" You muttered.

"Why wouldn't I have believed you?"

"You didn't believe the other girl two years ago. She was bullied by them until she dropped out." You couldn't help the guilt from seeping into your voice. It was partially your fault because you never stepped in to stop it.

"I know who you're talking about," he said, sounding equally as guilty. "She came in once, but refused to tell anyone what happened. We tried to help her, but she refused to talk. If she had spoken out, maybe we could have helped her."

"What are you going to do?" You asked, almost worried for the girls. He wrote something else down before rolling his chair over to the computer and bringing up a blank email.

"I'll need to talk to some of the advisors, but I think I have an idea. We'll make sure those girls don't do this to anyone else."

"Thank you." You said quietly, gathering your bag and standing. The bell was about to ring anyway, so you made your way out to the parking lot to wait for Sans. Since your car got keyed, he made a point to drive you every morning and pick you up every afternoon.

He drove up on his motorcycle – a purchase he was adamant about despite Papyrus' disapproval. He had a helmet on, but you knew he was only wearing it so he could give it to you when he picked you up. Monsters could heal much faster than humans in the case of a motor accident. You walked over to him as he pulled the helmet off.

"Hey Kiddo, how was school?" He asked, handing you the helmet and taking your bag so he could strap it down.

"Awful. The counselor called me down about some awful rumors going around." You shook your head and held the helmet like a child in your arms. Sans looked at you with suspicious eyes.

"What sort of rumor?" He asked, flicking down the kickstand and dismounted the cycle. You stayed silent, but with a single strong look you told him.

"They said I was… having relations with you and everyone…" You winced as you said it, and then winced again at the positively murderous look on his face.

"I'm going to kill them-" He growled when a shrill voice broke through his words.

"Oh look! This must be the pet." The girl said with a sickly sweet grin. Her lackeys were behind her, looking less sure of themselves.

"The… _what?"_ Sans said, an almost maniacal grin on his face.

"You know… the _pet._ " Her grin widened, and you could see Sans' blue fire forming in his left eyes. You knew she was about to have a bad time, and as much as you could have loved that, you couldn't have Sans fight anyone. Monsters were still barely accepted into society, and if he attacked a human they would never be accepted.

"Sans, stop." You put a hand on his arm, and you could feel him shaking under your fingers.

"Aw look, the pet is taking orders." She laughed, but no one else laughed with her. Sans' shaking got worse as the fire started licking his brow bone.

"Come on kid. One hit. Just one hit." His voice was gravely and deep, a sure sign he was about to lose control.

"No. No fighting Sans. Remember how I got everyone out? Without fighting." You said quickly, hoping to diffuse the situation. Already there was a crowd forming around you, and you didn't need any more rumors about you going around.

Finally after a few tense moments Sans takes a step back, his fire slowly going out. He took a deep breath and turned to you.

"Come on kid, let's get out of here. If I wanted to be around trash I'd go to the dump with the doc," He turned his back towards the girls and took a step towards the cycle. In the blink of an eye, he was nose to skull with the leader of the girl gang, his left eye glowing dangerously and his right eye as dark as his grin. "And if you ever bother my friend again I'll make sure you regret it."

In a second blink of an eye, he was back at the cycle, gesturing for you to get on the bike too. You put on the helmet and climbed on behind him, ignoring the shaking gasps coming from the frightened girls. As he zipped away from the school, you hoped you did the right thing by stopping him.

* * *

"Um, I know we've never really talked before, but I thought it was really brave of you to stand up against her like that. I don't know if I would have told the monster to stop." A shy girl had approached you during your lunch in the library, and you could see she was shaking.

"That monster's name is Sans," You said, not unkindly. "And I just didn't want him to get in trouble."

"Well… he scared her really badly, and she hasn't tried anything since then and I really wanted to say thank you because she's been harassing me for weeks and now I think she might have finally stopped." The girl said, taking a seat across from you.

"I'm glad. I don't want anyone else going through what I did."

"Would it be alright if I sat with you? I don't have anyone to eat lunch with…" she trailed off and you felt a tug in your chest. She was just like you.

"Of course," You said with a welcoming smile. "I always welcome new friends."

"F-friends?" Her whole face lit up, and you instantly knew you had said the right thing.

"Yeah, friends." You stuck your hand out over the table and formally introduced yourself. She did the same, and you realized that maybe having your 'friends' turn against you was one of the best things that could have happened.

* * *

 **A little different take on the hurt/comfort. In this one it's more Sans gives you a chance to find your own confidence.**

 **I'd like to thank everyone for all of your support and love. Honestly without you I don't know what would have become of me. I don't really have much to say this time, but I'm already working on the next chapter.**

 **Until next time!**

 **Starlight**


	55. Dressed in Black- Family Death

**Warnings- character death grieving, depression**

* * *

"I'm sorry…" Your mom sobbed into the phone. "I've been trying to stay strong but… he's gone."

You felt your heart drop to the floor. Your grandfather had been sick for a while, but you didn't think he would pass away so soon. It didn't really hurt that much, but then again it felt like you were walking through a dream.

You and your grandfather had never been that close – he was a very secluded person, but when he did come out to the living room during parties you could tell he loved all of his family unconditionally. He had been sick for years, and his health had declined rapidly in the last few months. You managed to spend some time with him before, but it wasn't enough. You said goodbye to your mom and hung up the phone, feeling numb.

You put your phone down and sat on your bed, staring blankly at the wall. You didn't seem to have any tears to shed. The clock chimed four, which meant Sans was done work for the day. He used his teleportation powers at the end of each day to save time and therefore have more time to nap when he got home.

Grabbing your phone and your jacket. You locked the front door behind you and got in your car. It was the beginning of winter, so it was starting to get cold enough to need to warm up the engine before driving, but you didn't bother waiting before pulling out of the driveway. Sans and Papyrus lived about five minutes away, just on the other side of town. While the drive itself wasn't too bad, you couldn't imagine walking the distance.

You pulled into their driveway and saw Papyrus' red convertible wasn't there. You knew he spent a lot of time volunteering at the school, so you pulled into your regular spot and let yourself into their house.

"Sans?" You called out, closing the door and taking your shoes off before stepping onto the carpet. He poked his head out from the kitchen and waved you over.

"Sup?" He asked, piling leftovers onto a plate and sticking it into the microwave.

"I… My grandpa passed away." You said quietly. His grin dropped and he came over to you.

"Ah shit kid I'm sorry." It was obvious Sans was out of his comfort zone, but he pulled you into a hug which you eagerly reciprocated. As you hugged him, your phone buzzed. It was your mom, telling you that the wake would be tomorrow and the funeral the next morning.

"They're having a wake tomorrow… my mom is staying out with my Grandma for tonight and maybe the next." You said quietly.

"What's a wake?" Sans asked. You remembered that when a monster dies it's much different than a human.

"They have the deceased person in the casket and their friends and family came come and say their final farewells. It's going to be three hours long, with some kind of sermon at the end." You explained.

"Do you want me to come with you?" He offered, giving you his awkward-but-good-intentioned smile. Your immediate response was to say thanks but he didn't have too, but your heart constricted painfully. You tugged on the sleeve of his hoodie like a scared child.

"Please… I don't think I could do this alone." You mumbled. He hesitated for half a second before pulling you back into a hug.

"Here, you can stay here for tonight. I doubt you'd want to be all alone right now. We can watch a movie and snuggle like good old times." He snickered and you felt yourself blush. You were young when you fell into the Underground, and you had less inhibition when it came to affection from the others.

"Sans…" You tried to be embarrassed and brush off his offer, but you really needed affection that night.

* * *

"Is this alright?" You asked your mom as you came out of the bathroom. You had a lot of black clothing, but not a lot of formal black clothing.

"It looks great," She said, in a slight hurry. She had been rushing around all morning. Sans had come to pick you up, dressed in black jeans and a black button down shirt. You were shocked for a moment, then he admitted to doing a little research on funerals and such. You felt your chest warm at how much he was trying to support you. You were wearing a black dress with black tights and shoes. It was a little casual compared to what Sans and your mom were wearing, but it would work for the wake. You went into the living room, the one place you could go to stay out of the way.

"Okay everyone, let's head over to the funeral home." Your mom said, gathering the family together. We split into separate cars, you and Sans going together in your car while your Grandmother went with your mom. The drive to the funeral home was silent, the next three hours weighing heavily on your chest.

You were the first party of cars there. The immediate family got there half an hour early, which included aunts, uncles and cousins. You filed into the funeral home and had your jackets taken as you filtered into the parlor out front of the viewing room. You watched as your mom and uncles walked your grandmother up to the casket. You buried your face in Sans' chest as your grandmother howled in pain at the sight of her husband, cold and still in the casket.

"It's okay dear," Sans said into your ear. You hadn't realized how badly your hands had been shaking until his own wrapped around them. "You're going to be okay. You got me, and the rest of your family. And if you need a breather we can take a walk for a bit. Stay determined, alright?"

"I don't think I can do this Sans." You whispered, fighting the stinging behind your eyes. He gave your hands a squeeze.

"I know you can. Come on, your mom is looking for you." He lifted his chin to point at your mom, who was coming back into the parlor with a tissue in her hand.

It was exhausting, listening to people you knew and people you had never seen before saying sorry and giving you hugs. You were introduced to so many people that you forgot all of their names almost instantly. After an hour and a half, you managed to slip away and sit down in a separate parlor in another room. Sans was by your side in an instant.

"It's a lot different than I expected." He said, popping a complimentary mint into his mouth.

"I've never really been to a wake either," You admitted, sinking into the pillows that felt like they had never been touched before. "It's awful, seeing him there. He looks so… waxy and still. It's almost like a statue or something. And hearing the crying… I can't handle the crying anymore…" You felt your own tears drip down your face. Sans tugged you into his chest and let you cry into his shirt. It hurt to finally let all the emotions out, but at the same time it felt good.

You had been trying to stay strong all day, for your mom and your family, but here, sitting with Sans you finally let your emotions out. You sobbed into his chest, not caring if your makeup ran. He didn't say anything, he just rubbed your back and whispered comforting nonsense to you. Eventually, your sobs calmed down and you pulled away, wiping your face and hiccupping lightly.

"Oh there you are," One of your cousins came into the lounge. "They're doing the sermon." Sans and I stood and followed her out, but not before snagging one of the many boxes of tissues that were scattered around the various rooms.

Your grandfather had served in the military, so they had other veterans come in and recite speeches and poems in his memory. They ended the ceremony with one of the vets playing TAPS on a bugle. The tears started anew, but this time you managed to stay quiet. No one turned around to see, which you were grateful for. Sans took your hand again, and you lifted his bony fingers to your mouth – a gesture of thanks and of reverence. If it weren't for him, you don't know how you would have dealt with the evening.

The rest of the wake passed quickly after that. Blurred faces of people came and went, and by the end of the night you had a pounding headache and the urge to go to a bar. Sans – who hadn't left your side the whole time – offered you a small water bottle that was on a small side table for us to take. You took it with a weak smile and tried to chase the saw dust feeling in the back of your throat.

"Alright everyone. Go and get some rest. The funeral is at nine tomorrow morning, and it's going to be chilly so dress warm." Your mom addressed the crowd of remaining family members. You filed out of the funeral home and got in your respective cars. You went back to your grandmother's house to drop off your car. Your mom gave you a long hug before letting you and Sans teleport back to his house. You didn't mind spending another night there, seeing as you've spend weeks at his place over summer breaks.

"How're you feeling babe?" He asked, making you a cup of tea and handing you a warm blanket. You had changed into an oversized shirt he let you borrow and the shorts you had been wearing under the dress.

"Tired. My head hurts and I want to go to sleep." You answered honestly, taking the mug and smiling gratefully at him. He sat down next to you and flipped the blanket on his lap.

"I bet. You were so strong at the wake. I saw how often you started to lose it, but you managed to pull yourself together. It was inspiring."

"Sans… I'm never going to be able to talk to him again…" You whispered, putting the mug on the coffee table. "We never really talked that much because he was always a quite person, but now… now I'll never have an actual conversation with him again. He'll never make hamburgers at our summer picnics and never scold us for putting cups on the table without coasters and…" You couldn't hold it in anymore. You started sobbing even more painfully than at the funeral home.

Sans didn't say anything, just let you cry into his shoulder again. You let the sobs rip through you as you howled painfully, letting all your pent up emotions come bursting out. You cried for over an hour, and slipped into a deep sleep before you could move from the couch. Sans just huffed with a smile and wrapped the blanket around your shoulder tighter.

"It'll be alright kiddo. You're strong. I know you are." He said, knowing full well that you couldn't hear him.

* * *

We started at the funeral home again in the morning. We had to collect the memorabilia that was brought in for the wake and let Grandma say her final farewell before the casket was closed for the last time. We drove to the church, everyone bleary eyed and quiet. The mass was a short one, only a dozen people in the large church. You wondered briefly if when you died if more people would come to your funeral. You only broke down once at the mass, and Sans was there to hand you a tissue.

You and Sans went with your mom and Grandma in the same car to avoid getting separated on the way to the cemetery. Two currently serving soldiers met you there, another part of the respects being paid for the service he had done the country.

The burial was cold and windy, but Sans' hand was warm and sturdy. He held your hand and then your shoulder as you buried your face into his comforting warmth. The solders took the flag from off the coffin and wrapped it tight before handing it to your grandma, who burst into tears again. You lost it at that point as well – you couldn't handle the sight of your grandma crying so painfully. Sans' hand tightened around you and you felt the weight in your chest lighten a little.

"Are you two going home now?" You mom asked. They had a reception planned, but you felt like you were about to collapse.

"I think I should take her home," Sans interjected politely. "I can drive her car back so there isn't an accident." Your mom smiled at Sans – she was always grateful that he was there for you – and gave you another tight hug.

"Stay safe. Call me when you get home. I should be back sometime tomorrow." She said, holding on for a few more moments before letting go and smiling at you.

* * *

"That was exhausting." You said when you got back. You felt like there was a hole punched in your chest and there was a section of you missing. It was surreal, despite having spent hours with the casket – seeing him lying there.

"You did amazing though." Sans said, ruffling your hair playfully. You smiled at him, albeit a little too tired to be completely genuine.

"Thanks for coming with me. I doubt it was easy to deal with a bunch of sobbing humans."

"I would do anything to help you out kiddo. You're my hero," He grinned at you, his grin dropping a little when your eyes filled with tears again. "Hey now, no need to cry about that. Ol' Sansy is here to make sure you stay safe." He wrapped you up in a hug and you let the silent tears run down your cheeks again.

"I'm sorry for crying so much." You muttered into his shirt. He chuckled deeply but didn't pull away.

"There's nothing to apologize for. You lost someone you loved, and that's a traumatic experience. You were so strong and I'm so proud of you." He responded, trying to drive home that it really was okay to cry.

"Thank you so much Sans…" You said again.

"Come on, let's go to bed," He said picking you up and carrying to his room. He placed you on his bed and climbed in next to you, wrapping the blanket around you and letting you bury your face into his chest. He wrapped his arms around you and fell into an exhausted sleep.

* * *

 **Sorry for the delay. As you can tell from this chapter, we had a lot to do these past two weeks. I made a short update on Tumblr, and I'm constantly posting inspirational things on there so if you ever need a pick-me-up check out loveyourselfstory . tumblr ****.com** **.**

 **I hope to write some more over the winter break. I've been getting a lot of requests, and I've been trying to write them all down but apologize if I don't get to your request. And for everyone who's been messaging me, I'm sorry for not responding. I've been really busy with funeral plans and Christmas plans. I hope to start responding more regularly soon.**

 **Thank you everyone for being so supportive. As I said in the tumblr post, I don't know if I would even be here right now without your love and support. Thank you so much.**

 **Until next time!**

 **Starlight**


	56. Needled- Phobias

**Warnings- Phobia of needles, anxiety**

* * *

"Whoah there," Sans looked at you with a raised eyebrow bone. All he had done was tell you about a blood drive at the local church. Your breathing had automatically picked up, your ears starting to roar at the thought. "Are you alright?"

"N-n-needles aren't my thing…" You muttered, trying not to let your mouth turn up into a scowl. You and needles not having a good relationship was a mild was of putting it. When you were younger, a doctor who was very new to the field tried to give you a vaccination and missed several times – just one of the reasons why you hated needles.

"Oh jeez sorry kid." He said, shooting you an apologetic grin. You smiled back to let him know there were no hard feelings and turned back to what you were doing.

"Are you afraid of anything Sans?" You asked. You never knew the skeleton to be afraid of anything, but you figured there must have been _something_ he was scared of. He thought for a moment, scratching the back of his skull.

"Hmm I'm pretty afraid of the dark. I get hella anxious if I'm stuck in a dark room or something. It's kinda dumb seeing how I'm literally a living skeleton but hey… we all have our reasons." He said, smirking as if his fear was something silly. You looked at him and realized that his fear had some real background. Imagine being forced underground where there isn't a sun, working in a lab for days on end… being forced into experiments and trapped in cages…

"It's not dumb." You said quietly. He hummed but didn't say anything else. He went over to the fridge and started digging through the various Tupperware containers.

"You want a left overs buffet?" He offered, pulling out twelve separate containers filled with various foods from the last week.

"Sounds good." You smiled, still feeling a little anxious.

* * *

"Now my child, I understand your aversion to needles, but your health is very important." Toriel had come over to convince you to get a flu shot. She tried explaining how the shot worked to keep you healthy, but you refused to open your door. You sat on your bed, a blanket over your bed and shaking. You would rather get sick than get the shot.

"Remember what happened last year?" Sans' voice joined Toriel's. You thought back and grimaced a little. "You did the same thing. Refused to get the shot, got sick, and spent almost a moth feeling miserable. The shot is scary, I get that, but it takes two seconds. Isn't two seconds of discomfort better than a month of feeling like trash?"

"It wasn't that bad…" You muttered, opening the door. Sans scoffed loudly.

"Not that bad huh?" He asked patronizingly. "Weren't you the one to be bedridden for two weeks? Another two weeks recovering? Feeling tired and crappy and gross for an entire month? All because you wouldn't trust us."

"It's not that I don't trust you!" you said quickly. You didn't want them to think this was their fault. You knew you said the wrong thing when his smirk grew.

"I never steered you wrong in the Underground, did I?" He asked, but you didn't feel the urge to agree or disagree. He took your silence as an agreement and continued. "Just trust me kid. You won't even feel it."

"I don't know…" You hesitated. Sans held out his hand with a warm smile.

"Just trust me. I'm only doin' this cuz I love you kid. And I would hate to see you sick for another month." He said, and you sighed. You gave him your hand, and in an instant you were at your local flu shot center. There were a few in various stores around the area, and they always tried to convince the people who walked past to get their free flu shot. Not many people went through.

"Sans I change my mind." You whispered in horror. Sans took your hand and gave it a squeeze.

"Are you ready?" The woman running the station came over. She had a warm face and made you feel a little more comfortable. You hesitantly nodded once and she smiled. "There's nothing to be nervous about. It'll hurt for a second, but I always say a second of pain is worth preventing weeks of recovery."

She led you around a temporary curtain to a doctor's table. She gestured for you to sit on it, while Sans stood next to it. You heard the woman doing something to your right and tried to look but felt your head frozen in place. Your eyes met Sans', who was giving you a sheepish look.

"Just look at me kid. It you look over there you'll just psyc yourself out and get even more scared." He said and you tried to smile back. Your hands started shaking and you thought you were going to throw up on your lap.

"Here, let me see your arm," The woman said. You slowly put your arm out, that threat of vomit growing more and more realistic by the second. Sans placed his hand on your other arm, right below the elbow. "On the count of three, okay? One… Two… Three."

As she said three, Sans pinched your arm painfully. You yelped and scowled at him, taking your arm away from his touch.

"See? That wasn't so bad was it?" He said, putting his hands in his pockets and grinning. You looked at him confused but understood when you felt the woman putting a bandage on your other arm. Sans had distracted you at just the right time in order for you to not be afraid of the shot.

"All done! You did great," The woman smiled at you, and you felt better. "Here, we have some candy you can pick from if you'd like. Now, you may feel a little sickly for a day or so, but that's just your immune system doing its job." She explained, holding out a bowl of lollipops and fun sized packets of candies to choose from. You nodded and took a skittles pack. Sans thanked the woman and teleported you away.

"How was it?" Toriel asked as you went into the kitchen. You shrugged, not wanting to talk about it.

"They did great," Sans said with a lazy grin. "I gave 'em a pinch and they didn't even notice the shot."

"I'm so glad," she said, pulling you into a hug. "I feel so much better knowing you will be illness free this winter. Now, I must leave. Asgore is coming over to dinner with a few of the children from the orphanage and I have to make some sweets."

"See ya Tori." Sans said, waving and going back to whatever he had been doing a second before.

* * *

"Kid, what are you doing?" Sans asked as you pulled him into your basement. It was finished, but no one really went down there other than for storage. You had transformed it though, and was ready to show off the finished product. You settled him down on a beanbag, ignoring his questions. You went over to the wall and flipped off the light. You heard him gasp, and listened as his breathing began to pick up a little, but you had a plan. Flipping on another switch, the stars came on. You wired little lights in the shape of your favorite constellations.

You went over to Sans and sat next to him on the chair. You took his hand and pointed to the ceiling, naming the shapes in the fake sky. You felt him gradually relax until he was able to ask you questions about the stars. Eventually he asked you a different kind of question.

"Why did you go through so much work for me?" He asked. "You could have just taken me out to see the real stars when they came out."

"You don't seem to mind night time, because it's a gradual darkness. Darkness like this is completely different. I figured it would be best to help you become comfortable in this kind of darkness first. Now, whenever you're afraid, just think of this moment and you won't be afraid anymore. Because you have me, just like how I have you." You gave his hand another squeeze, which he returned.

"You really are something else kid." He said softly before turning his attention back to his own personal sky.

* * *

 **Now that the holidays are (kinda) over, I'm hoping to write a little more. Thank you everyone who reviews and favorited and followed and who just care about this whole crazy thing I'm doing! I hope you had a good holiday, whatever holiday you celebrate!**

 **So I've had this written for a few days and I kept forgetting to post it… whoops? I'll hopefully have at least one more before my break ends!**

 **Until next time~**

 **Starlight**


	57. It's Okay - Consent

**Warnings- drinking, mild sexual situations, human AU**

* * *

"Get your shots ready!" Undyne called. She was hosting the New Year's eve party this year, and instead of the traditional champagne flutes, she made a plethora of Jell-o shots in various flavors. You took the blue raspberry one, excited to start drinking for real. You didn't get drunk often, but when you did you enjoyed the dizzy feeling it gave you.

You handed one to your friend Sans who had walked in barely twenty minutes before. He had come from another party, and was dressed to the nines with a suit and tie – something that didn't suit the Sans that you remembered. He took it with a smile and gave you a toast. As the clock ticked down, you prepped the shot and toasted him back. As half the party called 'Happy New Years!' you downed your shot with ease. Undyne had made some of the flavors more jell-o than vodka, and other more vodka than jell-o.

"Alright everyone, we have water pong in the basement!" Undyne called, grabbing the tray of shots to convince people to follow her.

"Water pong?" You asked, laughing a little.

"It's like beer pong, but with water in the cups. If you put beer in, the balls get disgusting and if it spills it's a bitch to clean up." She explained. You had played something similar, and weren't very good at it, but it would be fun to watch. As you entered the basement, you saw a large water cooler on the bar, and was hit with the smell of fruit punch.

Before you even asked, Sans handed you a cup with mysterious red drink inside. You raised an eyebrow and he laughed loudly.

"It's called jungle juice," He explained, pouring himself his own glass. "It's pretty much fruit punch, pineapple juice and vodka. There's also fruit in here but that's probably more alcoholic than the juice itself judging on how long it been soaking." You took a sip and were pleasantly surprised to not be able to taste any alcohol at all.

"They w-want us to play pong…" Blooky came over and tugged on your sleeve. You had come on their request, partly because you didn't have any other plans, partly because they didn't want to go alone. You excused yourself and followed them into the room with the table set up. There was a game that was finishing up, both teams getting extremely into it, yelling and jumping around. You sipped your drink and grinned at the noise they were making.

"Your turn!" Undyne came over and threw her arm around your shoulders.

"I can try." You laughed back, taking one of the ping pong balls out of the water cup and throwing it toward the pyramid on the other side. It went straight into the middle cup, and the party exploded. You grinned and fired yourself up for the rest of the game.

* * *

"Alright, its Sans' turn!" It was about two hours later. The party was still in full swing, and everyone was getting more and more drunk, which meant it was getting more and more interesting. At the moment, you were playing a game called 'Never have I ever' and you were winning – which meant you haven't done any of the things people were saying.

"Hmm…" Sans thought, sitting on the floor with his back against the couch. His legs were propped up on yours, and every once in a while his hand brushed yours. When that happened, he would glance at you and grin, which would cause you to blush bright. "Never have I ever… had sex with a guy."

He smirked at the various groans from around the room, male and female alike. He glanced over at you and you saw his eyes widen when you didn't put down a finger. You smirked back and sipped your new drink – the water cooler had run out about an hour ago - and the alcohol burned your throat a little as it went down.

"Never have I ever…" You said, trying to think of something. You felt a hand gently brush your lower back and your face flushed even darker. You glanced over to Sans, who was grinning like the cat who caught the canary, even if he wasn't looking directly at you. "Never have I ever flunked out of a class." You finished lamely. Despite the lameness, there were still several groans of defeat as half the game got knocked out of the round.

* * *

"Do you want to… go outside for a bit?" Sans asked, whispering into your ear. The night had progressed a bit, and you were the drunkest you planned on being. You glanced at him and nodded once. All night he had been flirting, and you were ready for some action. You followed him up the stairs and outside, where it was chilly but not horrifically cold. The moment the door closed, his lips found yours.

It was a little awkward, kissing someone who was shorter than you, but it was nice. You were both a little drunk, so your kisses were a little sloppy and your hands were a little clumsy, but it was worth the hours of flirting.

He bit your lip a little and you couldn't help but grin into the kiss. He grabbed your backside roughly but not painfully and you couldn't hold back the slight yelp that bounced onto his lips. He grinned and raised an eyebrow, looking like the devil himself. He tugged your hand over to a shadowy area of the yard. He pinned you against the house and kissed you harder, his hands caressing your chest and thighs. You felt his crotch press against your leg and your eyes flew open. He looked at you, a little embarrassed, but you weren't upset in the slightest.

"Want me to take care of that?" You asked as sensually as you could. Despite being a little breathless and your words shaking a little from the cold, his face lit up as red as the jungle juice. He started to nod before his face fell and looked away.

"Actually… since I'm drunk I dunno if I can…. Ya know…. With just a blowie…" he muttered, looking ashamed. It took a moment for his words to register in your head, and when they did you weren't sure what to do.

"Do you want to…?" You asked, not sure what you wanted to hear.

"I mean… I do, but only if you're okay with it." He looked you in the eye, but you looked away. You had been telling the truth during never have I ever about never having sex with a guy before, and against a house while drunk wasn't the ideal way for you to do it for the first time. You considered it for a few moments, weighing your options but finally turned back to him.

"I'm sorry… I can't… not now." You said, almost crying. You could feel he was hard and knew he really wanted to go all the way with you, but you just couldn't bring yourself to do it. He instantly back away a step and gave you a warm smile.

"I wouldn't dream of doing anything you didn't want to," He said calmly, and if you hadn't seen him drink twice as much as you, you would have thought he wasn't drunk at all. Your eyes filled even more and he looked at you with shock. "Whoah are you alright?"

"I'm sorry…" You said again, feeling ever worse. You knew he was being beyond amazing about the whole situation, but at the same time you felt that you should have been able to go through with it. He pulled you in for a deep kiss, cutting off any more apologies that you might have said.

"There's nothing to apologize for, I promise. Why don't you go back inside?" it was asked like a question, but you knew it was more of an order. " I can feel you shaking like a leaf. I'm going to smoke real quick and I'll see you downstairs, alright?" He said, making sure you maintained eye contact. You nodded and tried to apologize again, but he cut you off with another kiss and gave you a light tap on the butt to shoo you inside. You managed a smile, which caused his shoulders to relax. As you were going in, you heard him flick his lighter a few times before the cigarette was lit.

* * *

"Hey, you feeling any better?" Sans got your attention. You had changed out of your party clothes into your pjs, but were still sipping some sangria from upstairs. You smiled at him, still feeling a little guilty.

"Yeah. I'm sorry again…" You trailed off, sipping your cup to avoid saying anything else.

"There's nothing to be sorry about." He insisted.

"But-"

"No buts," He cut you off. "You weren't feeling it, so there's nothing to apologize for."

"Thanks Sans." You said with a small smile. He grinned back before kissing you gently on the cheek.

"Anything to keep someone as amazing as you happy." He said with a wink. Your face flushed and you tried to hide your expression on your face.

"Erm… Sans?" You said quietly. He looked up from his cup and raised an eyebrow – his way of saying 'what's up'. "We can still… kiss and stuff…" You said, the words trailing off at the end in embarrassment. Sans grinned wide and tugged you into a corner long enough to kiss you hard before pulling back and going to refill his cup.

"Happy New Year," He said, coming back over and placing another kiss on your cheek.

"Happy New Year Sans." You said with a smile, giving him a gentle kiss on the lips, pulling away just enough to see his eyes. Someone cleared their throat from the doorway and you tried to spring away, but his strong arm pulled you against his side before he gave you one last kiss in retaliation to whoever was trying to interrupt you. You just giggled and pulled away, going to find a water bottle.

Despite everything that had happened that previous year, you were still you, and you were so glad things worked out the way they did. As you rejoined your friends, you felt determined to face the New Year head on.

* * *

` **Happy New Year everyone! I hope 2017 bring you good opportunities and fond memories!**

 **I do have a worry though. I'm worried the format of my chapters have started to change and I'm not sure how to bring it back to the original feel. If you have any suggestions on how I can fix it, please let me know! I want to give you the best I can!**

 **Also, this chapter may seem a little different plot-wise, but that's because I wanted to stress the importance of consent, especially during holidays and when you're intoxicated. Those are the most dangerous times for things like sex. Always be clear about whether you want to or not, and try to make sure they listen and understand. Remember, consent is required.**

 **Until next time~**

 **Starlight**


	58. Past Troubles - Abuse

**Warnings- past relationship abuse, mild PTSD, mentions of rape**

* * *

 _You felt your cheek sting as you stared in horror at the man standing over you. You had been told to bring him a beer, but you had grabbed the wrong type. As soon as he saw the bottle in your hand, he stormed over to you and slapped you hard enough to hit the ground. The bottle broke and cut your hand as you tried to scramble away._

 _"You dumb bitch! All I did was ask you to get me a beer and you can't even do that!" He snarled, his once handsome face twisted into something unrecognizable. You flinched away, bringing your bloody hand raising to block your face. Blood dripped down your arm and stained your shirt. At the sight of the blood, he seemed to calm down a little. "Go clean up. It'll be a problem if the stains don't come out." He turned away and went to get the right kind of beer._

* * *

"Holy crap are you alright?" Sans was kneeling next to you, his hand gently rubbing your back in an attempt to slow your breathing. It took you a second to realize what had happened, and when you realized you felt embarrassment and guilt turn your stomach.

"I'm fine…" You brushed him off, standing and going over to the fridge. You and Sans had been dating for almost a year and a half, but even with all that time you still had flashbacks to those years you spent with that other man. You had been watching a show with him, and when you got up to get a drink you asked if he wanted anything. Sans thought for a moment and asked for a beer, which must have triggered the flashback.

"You sure?" He asked, his face twisted in concern. "You look really pale."

"Yeah, just tired. I haven't been sleeping that well." You said, giving him a smile and filling a cup.

"Alright babe. If you keep having trouble sleeping Tori has some tea that might help you relax." He offered, and you said if you kept having trouble you would take him up on that offer.

* * *

"What are you doing here so late?" You asked as you opened the door. It was almost midnight when you heard a knock on your door. Sans was there with a bag in one hand and some flowers in another. No matter how many times you tell him he can come right in, he still knocks and waits for you to let him in.

"I remember what you said about not being able to sleep," He said, coming in and handing you the bag. Inside was a box of tea with a sleepy bear in a nightcap on the front. "I was passing by the store on my way home from work and I figured it couldn't hurt to bring some over. I know you don't go to bed until late anyway so I figured you'd still be up."

"Thank you so much…" You said, tearing up a little. You were still getting used to his affection. You weren't used to being treated so nicely from a significant other, so whenever he would complement you or do something nice you found yourself flustered. "Do you want to stay for a little bit?"

"Actually…. I was thinking if the tea didn't work there's another way I can help you fall asleep." He smiled a little and gave you his flirty face. You knew what he meant and placed the bag on the couch before taking his hand and leading him upstairs. He grinned at your eagerness and followed like a puppy.

It wasn't that you didn't want to sleep with Sans. It was the opposite actually – you loved him. But you were so used to the repercussions if you denied sex, so you were overly willing to bring him into your room. As you started to undress, you realized for the first time since dating Sans that maybe you weren't acting the way you should.

* * *

"A-an amusement park?" You asked, trying to keep the fear from your face. You used to love them, but for the years you dated that other man, he caused you to fear the bigger rides. You were never a fan of coaster and heights to begin with, but he forced you on them and abused you if you refused. Now even the sight of a roller coaster made you want to throw up.

"Is that a problem?" He asked, watching you pale. You gave him a strained smile and shook your head.

"Of course not! I love going out on dates with you." You said quickly, not wanting to upset him. While you knew Sans would never get mad and hit you, or leave you for having an opinion, there was still a small part of you that was absolutely scared stiff that if you said no he would walk right out of your life.

"I love going out with you too," he grinned at you, kissing your cheek fondly. "I like to show off my cute babe to the whole world." You blushed bright and couldn't help but smile at him.

"You're too much." You laughed, pushing him away gently. He chuckled and shrugged, almost to say 'yeah well, I'm yours so deal with it'.

"Go put on some comfy clothes cuz we're going to ride every side at that park!" He explained, excitement causing his eyes to sparkle. You swallowed back your nerves and smiled before going to change. You put on a comfy pair of shorts and a solid colored tank top with a pair of flat sneakers. Casual enough to be comfy, and plain enough to not draw attention. The other man always hated when you wore things that drew attention, especially from other men. You realized that was another habit you had yet to break. You also realized none of your friends would know who you were before you gained off of these habits because you hadn't met any of them at the time.

"Ready to go?" You asked, grabbing a drawstring bag and a water bottle. He grinned and shifted from foot to foot, like a child waiting for an ice cream.

"Hell yeah!" He cheered and grabbed your hand, dragging you to the door.

* * *

"It's the tallest roller coaster in the world, and reaches speed of over a hundred miles per hour." Sans' eyes sparkled as you waited in line for the scariest coaster you had ever seen. It went straight up and then straight back down again. The whole ride lasted seven seconds from take off to pull in, and you knew it was going to be the longest seven seconds of your life.

"Seems scary…" You said with a trembling smile. His own grin dropped a fraction.

"We don't have to ride it if you don't want to." He said, placing a hand on your arm. You had been on a few of the more milder rides, but with the heat you were already a little sticky. You felt your heart skip a beat, not because of his care but because of what would happened if you were the reason he couldn't ride the coaster. He saw your face pale again and tried to get you to look at him.

"It's fine!" You said, turning away from him to look at the coaster. The screams of those on board echoing through the hundreds of people waiting in line. "I always get nervous while I'm waiting in line. It's the anticipation." You giggled nervously, but it seemed to work. He went right back to being overly excited, and you felt yourself relax a little.

The ride itself was over in what felt like a single second. By the time you stumbled off, tears were streaming down your cheeks from the wind smacking your face painfully. Sans tugged on your arm and puled you towards the tea cups.

"I have something special planned for when the sun sets, so look forward to it!" He said, grinning from ear to ear. You felt a little dread pool in your stomach but you ignored it. You wanted to focus on how happy he looked right at that moment.

The day seemed to fly by. Some of the rides had lines with wait times of up to two hours, but it didn't seem like that long when you were talking to your best friend. You spent a lot of time with Sans before, but you never really know someone until you wait for two hours in direct sunlight for a ride. You didn't really feel nervous about any of the other coaster because Sans was there to hold your hand. You almost completely forgot about his surprise.

You got off an indoor ride and you realized the sun had set and the park was lit up by thousands of lights. It was beautiful, all of the rides lit up and shimmering in the night. Sans took your hand and started leading you somewhere. At first you didn't pay attention to where he was taking you because you were so focused on how beautiful the lights looked. You only noticed where you were when he stopped and squeezed your hand.

"Come on, let's get in line." He said, grinning at you and pulling you towards the line. You looked over to the ride we were getting in line for and felt your heart drop. The Ferris wheel glowed in the dark, the lights changing color as the carts moved around the sky.

"S-sans…" You whispered so quietly he couldn't hear you. He started jumping from foot to foot with the largest smile you've ever seen on his face. You stared up at the ride and you could feel a flashback coming on. You tried to push it down, but it came anyway.

 _"Get on." He snarled into your ear, low enough so no one else could hear it. You smiled and nodded, climbing into the carriage. He smiled at the worker and climbed in behind you. You sat with our knees together and your hands on your legs to keep them from shaking. You didn't know what he was going to do to you._

 _As soon as the carriage left the docking area, he moved to sit next to you. Without saying anything, he started touching you. You whimpered but didn't make a sound. He pushed you on your back and lifted your skirt up, doing whatever he wanted to you. He shoved himself in you and finished before you reached the ground, leaving you to walk off the ride as normally as possible._

"-? Are you okay?" Sans' voice broke through the flashback. You realized you had moved to the front of the line while you were having your flashback. You tittered painfully as he waited for you to get on the ride. Part of you contemplated running, but you knew that would make things worse. Or would it? You didn't know right from wrong anymore. You didn't know what would happen to you. You were afraid. "We don't have to go on." Sans said, the disappointment clearly written on his face. You shook your head frantically and almost ran onto the ride.

Sans sat across from you, looking conflicted all of a sudden. You sat in silence as the cart rose slowly to the top, the cart stopping to let more riders on. As it moved up to the next spot, Sans broke the silence.

"Is everything alright? It looked like you were going to throw up. If you didn't want to ride… you didn't have to…" He said, sounding on the verge of tears. You felt your chest clench but didn't say anything. Your hands started shaking even harder. "Seriously, what's wrong?" He asked, sounding more serious than you've heard him in a long time. You looked up and realized you really were crying.

"I'm f-f-fine…" You tried to say, but you were too afraid to keep your voice strong.

"You're not fine," He said, looking scared as well. He came over to sit next to you but pause when you flinched. "Tell me what's wrong."

"It's nothing." You whispered, the cart moving up one more spot. You were three from the top, before the ride started going normally.

"Tell me." He said, almost like a command. You seized up and swallowed, almost afraid to deny his command.

"The guy I used to date, before I met you and everyone else… he would yell at me and hit me if I disobeyed anything he said. He forced me to do everything he wanted me to, from cutting my hair to losing weight to even what job I had. I dated him for almost three years before he was arrested for abuse. After that I met everyone, and met you, and my life got so much better… but I still feel afraid to disobey you at all even though I know you would never do anything to hurt me in any way, shape or form. But I can't help be afraid. Like the last time I was on a Ferris wheel he rapped me and told me if I told anyone he would kill me…" The tears were running down your face faster and faster. Your breath was picking up dangerously and before you would ramble on anymore he pulled you into a tight hug. You tried to fight the hug, but he refused to let go until you had calmed down.

You struggled a little, the cart shaking as it stopped for the last time as they filled the last cart at the bottom. As the ferris wheel started moving smoothly, he let you pull away and looked at you with broken eyes.

"Why didn't you tell me any of this?" he asked, his voice cracking. "I could have helped you through this or… fuck three years? You spent three years with that asshole and… fuck no wonder you looked so afraid…" He ran a hand over his face and sighed painfully. "If I had known I would have planned something else… Is this what your flashbacks are of?"

"F-flashbacks?" You stuttered, not realizing he knew.

"I wondered why you would zone out for no reason and freak so I looked it up and it said flashbacks were a symptom of PTSD… and that makes sense now. I'm so sorry… I should have been there to help you and support you and…"

"You did help me…" You said, taking his hand. You could feel it shaking. The ride started to slow, which meant the workers were starting to unload for the next ride. You looked over to the side and saw you had stopped at the very top of the Ferris wheel. Despite your fear, you couldn't help but gasp at the sight of the whole park, all lit up and sparkling. When you turned back, Sans was kneeling in front of you with something in his hands. You realized what was happening and started crying all over again.

"I wasn't there to help you with this before, but I swear on my life that I will be there for you from now on. No matter what, I will support you so… will you marry me?" He asked, opening the small box that had been hidden in his pocket all day. You couldn't even say anything, so you just nodded and cried. You threw yourself at him, knocking him back on his butt and rocking the cart as it started to move again.

He slipped the ring on your finger as your cart came around to the bottom. The workers cheered as you exited the ride. You grinned through your tears and as you tried to walk away Sans scooped you up in his arms and kissed you deeply. The onlookers cheered and you couldn't help but grin. As you made it out of the park, you realized you weren't afraid anymore. Looking back, you weren't afraid of Ferris wheels as much. Sure, you'll always have that deep rooted fear, but now you had an amazing memory to cover over the scarring one.

"Did you talk to the workers beforehand?" You asked as you exited the park. Sans shrugged a little, looking sheepish.

"When you went to the bathroom before I talked to one of the workers," He said with a smile. "They were more than willing to help."

"I love you Sans." You said, stopping and giving him a hug.

"I love you too. I love you so much…" He hugged you back, talking into your neck. "Trust me to help you whenever you have a flashback. I promise I'll always be there for you."

"I will. I trust you Sans." You grinned at him, twirling the engagement ring on your finger as your heart fluttered like a butterfly.

"Come on, let's get you home. It's getting late." He kissed your cheek and held your hand all the way home.

* * *

 **Another chapter! What's up with that?**

 **This was actually a suggestion from a guest, so I'm sorry if it's not the exact thing you had in mind when you reviewed. I tried, and I can try again later to see if I can get it closer to the original prompt.**

 **I want to give a shoutout to everyone. Literally everyone. It's so hard to deal with mental illness and abuse and school and relationships. Sometimes you think it's impossible to go on, but you all made it here and I'm so proud of you. I'm so proud of everyone who made it here!**

 **Until next time!**

 **Starlight**


	59. Unrequited - Depression

**Warnings- depression, self-deprecating thoughts and actions, self harm  
**

* * *

"You looked a little blue kiddo." Sans said, coming to sit next to you on the couch. You just sighed and stared at your phone. You saw that the message had been delivered, but you knew they weren't going to respond. They never did.

"It's nothing important." You muttered sadly.

"That jerk isn't texting you back?" He guessed, hitting the nail on the head. You spun around to face him.

"How did you know?" You asked, genuinely wondering how he knew. He just laughed and wrapped an arm around your shoulder.

"You've been moping around the house for two weeks because of this person. Even a blind monster would see that you're not your normal, happy self. "

"Have I been that obvious?" You moaned, cringing a little at your own patheticness.

"A little." He grinned, but you frowned.

"I just… I don't get it," You said, leaning into his chest the same way you always did to find comfort. "I thought they were interested but… I just don't know…"

"What happened?" He pressed on, acting like a big brother – one of the many things he was good at.

"At the party… everyone was getting a little drunk and they started flirting with me and… they kissed me… But now they won't respond. Was it something I did?" You felt yourself tear up, all of your thoughts rushing forward.

"Of course not kid! Sure you were both a little drunk, but that doesn't mean you did anything wrong. You already said you remembered everything from that night, so it's not like you did anything and then forgot about it. If they're not interested after what happened, they're the ones missing out cuz you're a real catch."

"Thanks Sans." You smiled, but still felt a weight on your chest.

* * *

You had given in again. You sent a cute picture to them, hoping for a response. You waited for three hours for something – anything – but your phone might has well have been off. You felt tears stinging your eyes and threw your phone onto your bed. You sat on the floor with your back against the mattress and pilled your knees up to your chest.

"What's wrong with me…?" You whispered, tears breaking through and dripping thickly down your face. Your eyes stung as you cried, but you held in the sobs because you didn't want the brothers to know you were crying. At first they somehow heard every little breath you took but now that you've been settled on the surface for a few years they don't notice as much.

Your phone dinged from the bed and you shot upright and practically threw yourself onto the bed. It was a text from your best friend. You deflated a little but tried to perk up and respond. You dropped the device back onto the covered and buried your face in the pillows to muffle your tears.

* * *

"It's because I'm not skinny enough," You said, staring at yourself in the mirror. You glanced down and sliced your thigh with a large razor you managed to get from a box cutter. The sting was muffled as the blood beaded up, and it wasn't until a moment later that the real pain came, your leg almost giving out until the initial pain wore off. "Because you're not attractive."

Another slice joined the others, the pain numbing more and more until you couldn't feel anything anymore. You slide to the floor and rested your back on the tub, letting the blood stain your bare chest. You bit back a sob as your thoughts took over.

"They couldn't care less about you," A voice in your head said. "They kissed you because they were drunk and now you're being pathetic and clingy. They must hate you now because you've been embarrassing yourself like an ass."

"It's all my fault," You said out loud, your tears muddying your words. "They hate me. I'm disgusting. They definitely regret even going to that party in the first place. I ruined everything."

"Are you okay in there kid?" Sans asked from outside the bathroom. Your breathing seized in your throat and you struggled to speak. You felt your eyes widen as your breathing started to come short and fast.

"F-fine…" You managed to whimper, not sounding convincing at all. You watched in horror as the lock on the door glowed blue for a moment before clicking open. The door opened to show Sans, standing with his hands in his pockets and a sad look on his face.

"Again?" He asked, coming forward and kneeling in front of you. He tried to pull your hands away from your chest but you fought him, wanting him to leave you alone. All of a sudden, you couldn't move. His left eye was glowing faintly as you were gently lifted into the air. The blood had already started to clot so the darkening red didn't drip that much. "What happened?"

"It's all my fault…" You muttered, avoiding his gaze.

"What's your fault?" He placed you on the edge of the tub with your feet in the tub itself and turned on the warm water.

"I'm too fat for them to like me," You started crying again. "If I was skinnier or more attractive they wouldn't be ignoring me… they wouldn't regret kissing me. I didn't want to mess everything up but I did because I'm pathetic and clingy and they hate me. I deserve this…" You sobbed, the warm water Sans dabbed onto your thigh stinging more painfully than the initial cut.

"That's bullshit kid," he said once he was sure you weren't going to say anymore. "You and I both know you're an attractive, amazing person. I mean, you saved all of monster kind! That's pretty impressive. Just because some asshole at a party doesn't want to sleep with you doesn't mean you're pathetic. In fact, it's a blessin' that they left you alone because they sound like the last kind of person I want my kid to be with."

"No it's all my fault." You couldn't bring yourself to cry anymore. You wanted to go to bed and stay there for years.

"Stop," He snapped before regaining his calm composure. "Seriously kid. You need to stop this. You're not at fault for anything at all. They person made a mistake by messing with you, cuz now they have to deal with me. I'll go teach them a lesson if you want me to."

"No… let them be. It doesn't matter anymore." You said in a monotone voice. Sans nodded and bandaged your thigh carefully, his fingers skillfully wrapping the cuts. You realized Sans had to do this for you way more that anyone should have to.

"What's wrong?" He must have seen the change in your demeanor. You wanted to cry again but you really were out of tears.

"I'm sorry Sans… I keep putting you through this and you don't deserve to have to deal with this every time I have a mental breakdown."

"It's fine kid. I'd do it a thousand times if it means helping you out." He ruffled your hair and picked you up in his arms before taking you downstairs. He set you on the couch and brought you your favorite blanket. You snuggled into the warmth of the blanket and let yourself relax.

"Thank you." You said as you felt your eyes relax. He grinned and tucked the blanket in around you more before going upstairs. He passed by the bathroom and saw your phone sitting on the counter. There was a notification from the person from the party and his eye sockets went black. In a flash, the notification was gone, as if it had never been there in the first place.

Sans felt a twinge of guilt, but knew if you had seen the notification you would have gone back to what you were doing twenty minutes ago, and he promised himself back in the Underground that he would do anything to protect you.

"Sans! Watch a movie with me?" You called from downstairs, and he snapped out of his anger. He plastered his lazy smile back on his face and sauntered down to you, ready to be the best big brother.

* * *

 **So this is almost a continuation of the New Years Eve party chapter? Almost? I don't really know, but it's supposed to be the pain of unrequited feelings. Honestly, catching feelings is the most awful thing that can happen.**

 **I hope your day is going better than yesterday, and that tomorrow is better than today!**

 **Until next time~**

 **Starlight**


	60. Hallucinations - PTSD

**Warnings- PTSD, violence, game events out of order**

* * *

You flinched away so violently that you slipped on the snow and cracked your head on the path. Sans looked down at you with a confused look and put his outstretched hand back into his pocket. You knew what he was going to say, but he changed the script.

"Well human, I can hear your bones rattling from across the Underground." He said with his usual grin. You just stared up at him, trying to dull the aching in your head. You were stupid and forgot to heal at one of those floating stars after meeting Sans, so you had to go back and relive everything after leaving the ruins. It was an embarrassing way to die, in your opinion. Greater Dog licked you to death and you woke up in the snow.

"I'm fine…" You said faintly. You stood, your knees still shaking a little from the experience. You almost found yourself back on the snow as your knees gave out. Sans managed to lunge out and catch you before you hit the ground. "Thanks Sans."

"Hmm…" His grin didn't change as he helped you stand upright. "I don't remember giving you my name…"

"Um…" You felt your stomach drop at your mistake. Before you had to cover your tracks, Sans laughed and slapped you on the back.

"Eh maybe I just forgot. Anyway, you're a human huh? That's hilarious." The lights in his eyes never dimmed, but you could feel him looking through you.

* * *

"Wanna grab a bite to eat?" Sans asked, resting his cheek on the counter top of his post. There were a few monsters hanging around, their talking mixing with the soft trickling of the waterfalls in the background. You knew if you continued on you would have to face Undyne again, and the thought of facing her spears even once more made you want to throw up the monster candy you had just eaten. Sans must have seen the green tint of your skin because his grin dropped a little. "Of not, I mean I have a break so I can do whatever."

"No food is fine." You said, trying to brush off the impending doom that was weighing on your chest. His grin came back as he came out from around the booth.

"Perfect, I know this great place back in Snowdin." He took your hand and you tried to keep it from shaking as best as you could. He started walking in the opposite direction of Snowdin. You tried to tell him, but he said something about a shortcut and the next time you blinked you found yourself sitting on the bar stool of Grillby's.

The customers all greeted Sans, not fazed by the skeleton teleporting directly into the building. A few greeted you as well, but most went back to whatever they were doing before giving their halfhearted greetings.

"Whatcha feeling kid? We got fries and burgs and… fries with a burg on the side," He said, not even looking at the menu. You glanced at your own menu and saw there were many other options, but since he mentioned a burger you suddenly wanted to have one.

"A burger sounds good." You said with a smile as you closed the menu and handed it to Grillby, who nodded and crackled gently.

"So, how has your adventure been so far?" Sans asked as you waited for your food.

"Erm… alright I guess." You said choppily. You couldn't let him know you've been killed almost a dozen times and had the whole world reset back to the last time you 'saved' as you've come to call it. He glanced at you from the corner of his eye and opened the bottle of ketchup in front of him.

"That's good to hear," He said, taking a sip of it as if it was soda, but you didn't question it. Honestly, it was the most normal thing you've seen since falling down into the Underground. "You know, when I was napping at my post earlier I had the weirdest dream. In this dream, the world kept turning back like a clock that was being rewound because you kept getting killed somehow. Now, I know that can't be real… right kid?" He turned his head to look completely at you, but there was something off in his eyes that made you hesitate.

"…nah that sounds like one crazy dream." You said, purposely looking anywhere but at the monster sitting next to you. Sans was silent for a few seconds and with each tick of the clock you felt a pressure on your chest increase. Finally he sat back and chuckled.

"Yeah you're probably right," He took another sip of his ketchup. "Look, I know its a little weird cuz we're practically mortal enemies, but if you ever need help or something I'm here for you. I mean. I don't know how much help I can be, but the offers there."

"Thanks Sans." You said, unable to help the soft smile that you gave him. You ached to tell him about Undyne, to ask for help because the thought of dying one more time at the hands of those magic spikes made you want to cry.

"Oh nice here comes the grub." He grinned as Grillby came out of the fire doo with a plate in each hand. You thanked the fire monster and dug in, relishing the non-sweetness of it. You didn't realize how many sweets you had been eating in the past couple of days, or the past couple of lives?

You put down your burger as you tried to untangle the timeline since you fell. It felt like you had been down here for few days, but after you thought more about it this was technically still the first day since you left the ruins. You've just relived it all so many times you might as well have been there for a week.

"Sans?" You got his attention. He put his own food down and turned to you, tilting his head to the side like a puppy. "When did we meet?"

"This morning, wasn't it?" he answered, not looking nearly as confused as you expected him to. "Though it seems like we've known each other for a few life times." Your breath caught in your throat as you struggled to say something.

"…" your words were frozen in your throat. Sans' eye sockets turned black as he turned fully towards you.

"Weird, isn't it?" He said, almost as if he was threatening you. "Tell me kid, are you the one making the timelines jump?"

His growl snapped you out of your panic. You scrambled away, falling off the barstool and causing everyone in the building to go silent. You and Sans stared at each other for a breath before you took off and sprinted from the building, your heart beating painfully.

Sans watched you leave and sighed, turning back to his burg. That didn't go the way he planned. He really did just want to talk about the skips, but he stepped out of line. He rubbed the back of his head with a boney hand and turned back to his half eaten meal, no longer hungry.

* * *

You sat in Hotland, panting and crying. You had finally gotten away from Undyne but you had been so close to dying yet again that you couldn't bring yourself to feel relieved. You still don't know why you saved her, but there was just something about the strong warrior drying out on the bridge that tugged at your heart strings.

You nibbled at some healing food – you didn't even care what it was anymore – and winced as you felt the deep gouges seal themselves up like a zipper. The blood stayed behind, making you look like the victim of a psychopathic killer, not that it was very far from the truth.

"There you are kid." A familiar voice said right next to your ear. In a flash you were scrambling away, sobbing and staring at Sans as though he was a ten foot beast, or an armor clad monster. All of a sudden, it wasn't Sans standing over you anymore. It was Undyne, her armor glinting in the faint light like a signal of what was about to happen to you. Her spear glowed, casting an ominous shadow on her bloodthirsty grin.

You tried to run, but found yourself backed up against the cave wall. You scrambled up, clawing at the stone as if you could claw your way away from your inevitable death. You couldn't feel the pain as your fingers were torn apart. Suddenly, a force pinned you to the ground. You tried struggling, but all you managed to do was scrape your cheek against the ground. More blood oozed onto the rocks as you fought for your life.

The figure came closer, and your struggling got even more frantic. You knew if you didn't get away you would be killed. Your tears stung your cheek as you screamed. She as going to kill you she was going to kill you _she was goingtokillyou-_

"Kid calm down!" Sans yelled, trying to get you to stay still. Finally his voice broke through your mind and you stopped struggling. You looked up at him from the force pinning you to the burning stone floor. The lights in his eyes were bright and seemed to be shaking a little, his usual grin turned down in a horrified grimace.

"S-sans?" You whispered, your throat raw from screaming.

"Yeah it's me… come on let's get you fixed up." He said, and the force holding you down suddenly disappeared as he gathered you in his arms. You tried to grab onto his jacket but it felt like you had dipped your fingers in the lava below.

He teleported directly to his house, which you only barely recognized from your brief date with Papyrus. He set you down on the couch but you couldn't bring yourself to look around. You stared blankly at the dark television as Sans rummaged around in one of the other rooms. He came back with a plate and a small white box. He handed you the plate and you saw half a sandwich on it. You took it without saying anything, but took a bite when he gestured for you to do so.

The sandwich started to heal a little of the damage, but your wounds were still tender so he wrapped your fingers and your cheek with soft white bandages. He worked in silence, and you were glad he didn't try to make conversation. You were so tired you thought a single word would cause you to pass out.

"Finish the sandwich kid," He said as he closed up the box. You finished the last few bites and suddenly felt much more energized. He came and sat next to you on the couch, looking as exhausted as you felt. It might have been the lighting, but it seemed like there were bruises under his eye sockets. Your eyes started to drift shut as he spoke again. "What happened?"

"I don't know," You answered honestly. "I finally managed to get away from Undyne, then all of a sudden she was back. She was g-going to kill me again-" you stopped yourself, going white when you realized you gave away your biggest secret. Sans just looked over at you with a sad expression.

"Sounds awful… no wonder you were trying to get away so desperately…" he rubbed a hand down his face before turning and giving you a tired smile. "But Undyne ain't gonna hurt you anymore. Papyrus talked to her… if you were to go by her house I'm sure things would be different."

You didn't say anything. You just started crying, not entirely sure why you were crying in the first place. You were thankful when Sans didn't say anything. He just pulled you close to him and let you cry into his jacket until you were all cried out. He got you a blanket and let you sleep on his couch for the night without asking any other questions.

* * *

Your throat was burning. You sat upright, screaming your lungs out. You didn't know where you were, or what time it was. You frantically looked around but you kept seeing flashed of stone and water within the coziness of the home. Hands were on your face, and your screaming became even more desperate. You threw your hands out, trying to hit whatever was touching you so you could escape whatever painful death was coming for you.

"Wake up!" A familiar voice screeched and broke through your fear. You stopped screaming and blinked the tears away before looking around. Sans and Papyrus were standing by the couch, both wearing matching expression of horror. You realized where you were and felt immediate shame. Shame for waking them up, shame for being so afraid.

"Are you alright human?" Papyrus asked, kneeling next to the couch and placing an ungloved hand on your back. The warmth from his hand calmed you down as you focused on your breathing. It took you a few moments before you could speak.

"Just a nightmare." You managed to say. Sans didn't say anything, but the look on his face told you he knew what it was about.

"Do you wish to talk about it dear human?" Papyrus offered, but you knew you couldn't really tell him. He would be destroyed if he knew his friend had caused you have nightmares.

"It's nothing…" You mumbled, pulling your knees up to your chest.

"It was about Undyne." Sans said bluntly. Papyrus turned to his with his browbones crunched in confusion.

"What are you talking about Brother?" He asked, sounding like he wasn't sure if he really wanted to know.

"Undyne has been attacking them, hurting them to the point where they could have died. They've been having flashbacks and hallucinations and now nightmares."

"Sans stop it's fine." You tried to make him stop, but he was determined.

"Papyrus, I know you, and I know you would want to know why your friend is hurting. And now that you know, maybe you can do something about Undyne to fix this."

"Brother, I do not know what I could possibly say to Undyne. I am not a part of the Royal Guard." He said, unconvinced he could be of any help.

"You're the only person she listens to except maybe Alphys and King Fluffybuns," Sans said in return. Papyrus hesitate and stood, one hand moving to grasp the upper part of his other arm.

"I will speak with her in the morning. Human, would you be more comfortable if one of us stayed with you down here? I know how hard it can be to be alone after a nightmare."

"I don't want to be alone." You said quietly, your tears barely dried. The skeleton brother looked at each other for a second before moving to sit on the couch, you in between them. They wrapped their arms around you. In seconds you had relaxed enough to close your eyes again.

* * *

You don't know how, but you didn't have any more dreams that night. The next day, you were dragged to Undyne's fish shaped house in Waterfall despite your reluctance. Each step caused a more and more powerful weight on your chest to crush your breath. Sans had tagged along, murmuring encouragements along the way which kept you mostly calm.

"Undyne!" Papyrus pounded on the door, and continued until the door was thrown open by an obviously upset Undyne.

"Papyrus I swear to- is that the human?" She stopped herself and stared at you, her sharp teeth showing through her grimace.

"Undyne what have you been doing to my friend?" Papyrus demanded, the usual joy in his voice gone. Undyne blinked a few times before scowling.

"I don't know what you're babbling on about Papyrus-"

"They woke up screaming last night." Papyrus said, cutting her off.

"They were having hallucinations. They thought I was you and that I was going to kill them. They were so afraid they ripped their fingers apart in an attempt to escape," Sans continued, staring the fist monster down. Undyne had the decency to look ashamed, but tried to defend herself.

"I just did what was best for the Underground! It's not my fault the human befriended everyone…"

"Undyne, the least you can do it apologize." Papyrus said, exasperated.

"Paps…" She tried to say, but Papyrus repeated himself.

"The least." Was all he said. Her ear fins drooped as she looked over at you. As soon as she made eye contact, she glanced away.

"Sorry human… I didn't actually want to hurt anyone. I just wanted to free everyone…" She said, biting at her bottom lip with her fangs.

"I understand…" You said softly. You didn't want to forgive her after everything she's done but at the same time you couldn't fault her. She was just trying to free her friends. She gave you a half smile but didn't say anything more.

"Why don't we have tea?" Papyrus suggested, opening the front door and ushering everyone in. "I'll heat up the water."

"Are you okay with this Kiddo?" Sans asked, tugging on your sleeve to keep you from going in. You turned back to him and let your smile drop.

"I don't know… I know she was just trying to help everyone, but I'm still afraid. What if she snaps and attacks me?"

"Then we'll protect you, alright kid?" He ruffled your hair in an attempt to get you to smile again. "We got your back."

"Thanks Sans," You said throwing your arms around his neck and hugging him tight. "Thank you."

"Anytime kid." He hugged you back and walked with you inside.

* * *

 **This was a suggestion that I thought worked really well with the other PTSD chapter I did. It makes a lot of sense that Frisk would have some form of trauma based issues, especially with the whole Undyne thing. Personally I adore Undyne so I wanted them to have a happy ending, so I apologize if it's not a realistic ending for the subject.**

 **I go back to school soon and I'm getting a little nervous. For some reason I thought it would be a good idea to take six classes, two of them being online. I can't guarantee many updates throughout the semester, but I promise I will try my hardest to update as much as I can!**

 **Thank you so much for all your support and love. It means the world to me that everyone cares so much about not only the story, but about me as well.**

 **Until next time~  
Starlight**


	61. I Love You All So Much

So, this has been a long time coming. I wish I had some excuse, some reason for my absence. A lot has happened, and I needed to take some time for myself.

If anyone has been trying to contact the tumblr, my main blog got terminated and since the Loveyourselfstory blog was a side blog, I lost all way signing into it. I've tried contacting the staff about getting the blog back but they never responded.

I started anti-depressants and at one point I almost took my life. This community has been such a supportive light in my life. I wish I could thank each and every one of you individually, because that's how much I appreciate your love and support.

I guess this is a "good bye for now" type post. I really don't think I'll be updating this anymore, but I can't say there won't be a surprise update here and there in the future.

I figured I left everyone hanging too long, and I finally fought my anxiety and the little voice in my head that's shouting "THEY ALL HATE YOU FOR NOT UPDATING" and write this little A/N.

I'm so sorry I put you all through so much trouble, but every review and every message I never responded to (because I'm an awful friend) really mean the entire world to me. You have all made my life so much better, and I never would have guessed I would be able to make such an impact on so many people and have them impact me back so greatly.

Thank you all, so much.

I'm hoping to keep writing, though, at some point, so maybe keep an eye out?

Until next time~

Starlight


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